T.T

我的结果总是胜不过我的负出。为什么有些人就能轻轻松松拿到

加薪？ 为什么我做的东西比他们辛苦，做了很多人不喜欢做的

事，却得不到一点加薪的机会？！还是不管我怎么做，都不会得

到我所要的结果？

最近很多事发生。我以经没有力气去处里。既然我在人们的眼中

是那么讨人厌，为何老天还要把我留在人间？为何不让我早点离

开人世？！我觉得人生活的很累！！！ 没有任何意议! 不知到我

还活来做什么！？ 孝顺父母吗？ 可是我没有一个很高的收入，

没有什么可以让他们感到缴傲的事。怎么孝顺他们？！还好我弟

弟不像我。至少他比我还有出熄多了。Chuen, 如果你看到这

个，不要跟Papa, Mama 讲。我不想让他们担心。由其是

Mama。

我很难和人沟通。有很多事情，讲了也是这样。不讲也是这样。

我很累。有些事我以经尽力了。事情不能改变我也不免强了。反

正讲跟没讲，到头来都没两样。算了..我放弃了。 有很多次我很

想放弃我的感情。 因为我找不回“初钟”的感觉。一切都变成

很routine. 我觉得“外遇”是迟早会发生的事。如果真的发生，

他要离开的话，我会让他走。因为我要的“初钟”，他已经不能

给我了。我所为的“简单爱”他以经做不到了。爱一个人真的很

辛苦！被爱？如果爱变的很routine, 那不是我要的爱！

可能是在一起太久。他觉得反正都追到我了，有很多事可以不用那么在呼

或努力了。也可能是我自己不知到我到底要的是什么。终而言

姿，我觉得很累了。很想好好的“休息”

我写到这里。下次在update.

Sad

Maybe I have never been a good friend. Or maybe I am the kinda person who is not part of anyone's friends list at all. Sometimes I think I do not know what friendship really is and what it really means. That is why people often take advantage of my weak points(if they knew).

View someone's blog and I am very sad at her recent entry. After something happened, which I hear from Ivan's side of the story, I did call her and SMS her to try to ask her for her side of the story. But from his mouth of what that other person said, I know those words can't be from that "someone's" mouth as I know she isn't that kinda person to say such words! I believe her even before I get to hear her side. Since she does not wish to reveal, I won't force. It's okay. It's her life anyway. What upsets me is what she wrote in her recent entry abt friends. Okay fine...since I am nothing in your eyes, I will stay "Nothing" from now on.

Now I finally understand why you didn't look for me or even SMS me. Your excuse says that you are afraid of disturbing me or that afraid to bother me. At first I didn't understand why but still I told you if you need someone you can call or SMS me anytime. I will be there for you and I meant my every word. Now I finally understand, those "excuse" of yours, simply mean I am not one of your friends in your eyes after all. Is okay. Just give me some time to digest all these. I will be fine. That bitch already disappoint me greatly by her misunderstandings and her words. I thought you would be different. But...I guess I was wrong. Maybe you don't mean what you type but somehow, I know from your blog where I stand in your "friendship".

Things at work and friends started to have problems. I am very upset but I just don't know how to express any emotions anymore. Workplace colleague take advantage of my kindness and started to "bully" me, an extremely long-time friend of mine promise me something but end up taking back her words after receiving what she want. Is that what F.R.I.E.N.D.S meant? Seriously I don't know what is happening and I don't wish to know anymore. Even BaoBei started to be cold towards me during weekdays. All these isn't what I want. But I know it's useless.

I am envious and jealous of others having NORMAL BGR relationship. They have sensitive boyfriends, have boyfriends who would call them on the dot every night, have boyfriends who would give surprise visits or accompany them to walk around town after work. For me? I have a boyfriend who don't call. Sometimes don't SMS. Lazy to walk around town cos he don't like crowded place. And I have to be the one who do all the work - Go to his place every weekends cos he don't like to come to my place(Yes, call me cheap if you want), I have long ago given up on this relationship that I don't know what am I staying for or holding onto except the fact that he don't accept BREAK UP for a reason. I don't understand how come every of my relationships turns out this way. Is it my fault after all? That I don't know what relationship is and I don't know how to love someone and don't have a boyfriend who is sensitive enough to all my needs?

I am seriously tired. To that someone if you happen to see this and know who you are: I am not blaming you or what. Just that I am extremely disappointed that I am not your friend after all. No wonder you don't call me, don't pick up my calls and don't SMS me or ask me to go out with you. It's okay. I will leave you alone from now on. I won't bother you ever again. If that is what you want.

I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.