Sad

Maybe I have never been a good friend. Or maybe I am the kinda person who is not part of anyone's friends list at all. Sometimes I think I do not know what friendship really is and what it really means. That is why people often take advantage of my weak points(if they knew).

View someone's blog and I am very sad at her recent entry. After something happened, which I hear from Ivan's side of the story, I did call her and SMS her to try to ask her for her side of the story. But from his mouth of what that other person said, I know those words can't be from that "someone's" mouth as I know she isn't that kinda person to say such words! I believe her even before I get to hear her side. Since she does not wish to reveal, I won't force. It's okay. It's her life anyway. What upsets me is what she wrote in her recent entry abt friends. Okay fine...since I am nothing in your eyes, I will stay "Nothing" from now on.

Now I finally understand why you didn't look for me or even SMS me. Your excuse says that you are afraid of disturbing me or that afraid to bother me. At first I didn't understand why but still I told you if you need someone you can call or SMS me anytime. I will be there for you and I meant my every word. Now I finally understand, those "excuse" of yours, simply mean I am not one of your friends in your eyes after all. Is okay. Just give me some time to digest all these. I will be fine. That bitch already disappoint me greatly by her misunderstandings and her words. I thought you would be different. But...I guess I was wrong. Maybe you don't mean what you type but somehow, I know from your blog where I stand in your "friendship".

Things at work and friends started to have problems. I am very upset but I just don't know how to express any emotions anymore. Workplace colleague take advantage of my kindness and started to "bully" me, an extremely long-time friend of mine promise me something but end up taking back her words after receiving what she want. Is that what F.R.I.E.N.D.S meant? Seriously I don't know what is happening and I don't wish to know anymore. Even BaoBei started to be cold towards me during weekdays. All these isn't what I want. But I know it's useless.

I am envious and jealous of others having NORMAL BGR relationship. They have sensitive boyfriends, have boyfriends who would call them on the dot every night, have boyfriends who would give surprise visits or accompany them to walk around town after work. For me? I have a boyfriend who don't call. Sometimes don't SMS. Lazy to walk around town cos he don't like crowded place. And I have to be the one who do all the work - Go to his place every weekends cos he don't like to come to my place(Yes, call me cheap if you want), I have long ago given up on this relationship that I don't know what am I staying for or holding onto except the fact that he don't accept BREAK UP for a reason. I don't understand how come every of my relationships turns out this way. Is it my fault after all? That I don't know what relationship is and I don't know how to love someone and don't have a boyfriend who is sensitive enough to all my needs?

I am seriously tired. To that someone if you happen to see this and know who you are: I am not blaming you or what. Just that I am extremely disappointed that I am not your friend after all. No wonder you don't call me, don't pick up my calls and don't SMS me or ask me to go out with you. It's okay. I will leave you alone from now on. I won't bother you ever again. If that is what you want.

I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.