Money + SL addiction + Quarrel with BaoBei's Mum = Can I really die???

Things are not going well for me these days. Recently I realize that whenever Ivan is around, I need to spend more than $50 on food and cab fare to go out with them. Esther, it's not that I am not happy or whatever but I am thinking, if we need to spend so much money in long term to go out, I might as well meet you all once in a very blue moon. By the way, thanks for helping me to organise my birthday.

I am very sad, disappointed and regret introducing BaoBei to Secondlife game. BaoBei wanted to introduce Li Yi to the game but....somehow I don't think it's a good idea. Li Yi, I prefer that you play with your SIMS rather than SL cos SL is very deadly to play with. Recently, in the straits times on Sunday(I mean last last Sunday), they report and feature about SL gamers. To me, I agree only 50% on the report itself cos the report only reflects the bad image of Secondlife(SL) game. They describe how the game works and there is also an article about how a couple broke up because of SL. The boyfriend played SL game and was addicted so badly that the couple now broke up. The guy met a girl through that game and she was from Korea. He was so serious about his virtual girlfriend that he even flew to Korea just to visit her in RL. Crazy as it might sound but it is a true story. This is what happens when you are too addicted to SL and in some cases, some people merge SL into RL!!! Which leads to psychological unbalances in life.

I started playing that game after my Dad introduce me to the game but he himself wasn't interested in the game much and gave up after playing for 2 days. I, on the other hand had already played the game for more than half a year. I like my current Avatar and the clothes she wears. I admit I was addicted to SL once and my friend Marcus comment in my tag board not to be obsessed into the game. I don't know in the end how I manage to over come that addiction. Probably because in RL, I had a job which already tire me out enough and that plays a part to help me curb the addiction. To be honest, there was a time I almost broke up with BaoBei because of the game itself. That game plays a part in drifting BaoBei and me emotionally apart. Actually, I think not all people agree with me that SL is deadly. Seriously, it's HOW you are going to play that game and whether will you let the game influence your RL to the extend that you aren't yourself anymore. BaoBei cherish the people in SL more than his RL friends(That's what I think). We even quarrel over a stupid bloody L$200(Linden $200, equiventlent to Singapore $2.00). Because I use his account and Avatar to help a friend in SL find her baby. I didn't find it in the end but she still reward me L$200. I gave her the money back and when BaoBei saw it, we had a huge quarrel over it. He says the money in SL are difficult to earn(which seriously it is) but I didn't manage to find her baby so I think I don't deserve the reward. Although I search the whole Kakis Island by myself.

Quarrel with BaoBei's Mum for the very first time in my life. She came into the room when BaoBei went away for camp and scolded me this and that and even accuse me(without proof!!!) that after wearing my clothes, I didn't wash in the washing machine and just dump it into the cupboard and now the cupboard stinks!!!! I HATE BEING ACCUSE OF SOMETHING THAT I DIDN'T DO AND I SAID THIS UPTEEN TIMES!!!!!! After BaoBei came back, he told his youngest aunt about his Mum. Of course as relatives, she surely side his Mum! After that when Ah girl told BaoBei's Mum about what I told BaoBei over the phone, she shout angrily,"I say her is for her own good! Complain to Ah Hao Lah! Impressive is it?!" WHY IS IT THAT EVERYTHING THAT BAOBEI DOES, I AM THE ONE WHO IS BEING SCOLDED AND PUNISHED!? I HATE IT!!!!!!! His Mum even want my Mum's number so that she could call my Mum to scold her. What kinda respect is that?! In the end, BaoBei had a quarrel with his Mum and his Mum said that from today on she won't say anything about me(Ya right man!!! KNS!!!) Skip church for the day and feel very depress. Feel like jumping out of the window to end my life straight but too bad....BaoBei's window had grills -_-"

Feel like slashing my wrist but have no pen-knife. Feel like eating poison but don't know where to buy. The only way I had is to eat overdose sleeping pills(Which I KNOW where to get it). The problem is: Whether or not I dare to take the step of....should I say faith? to die. Cried during my work one day for no reason. I also don't know why I cry for. Before that in my mind, I imagine my friends, BaoBei and my family members especially my Brother surround me. Feel very sad. Don't know what to live for and don't know what else to look forward to.

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again next time.

Friends encouragement + Broken IC = FUCK!!! Wo shi shuai de lor!!!

Went to meet Esther after work. Was suppose to go for prayer meeting but I didn't go. For my CGMs, if you gain access to my blog by don't know how, sorry to say this to all of you, I HATE LAST MINUTE PLANS! I believe that I have stated it in my previous blog entries before. Ai Zhen SMS me last minute by saying that tonight there's a PM at River walk. It's near my workplace but still, SORRY! I still hate last minute plans! I wasn't informed that there's a PM going on except for the coming Sunday.

Nowadays I then realize that most of my CGMs are all gone. In a sense that a few of them back slided, or only to contact me for fellowship and church stuffs. Seriously speaking, I had told Lorraine that I won't and don't wish to mingle with ANY of the CGMs anymore. Not after that stupid incident. She told me to step out and renew my mindset. Try going through what I have gone through and then come and tell me again! There's 2 new members in our connect group. 1 of them really behaves like Vincent!(This name didn't appear in my blog for a very long time le hor?) God is really testing my patience(sorry..should I say, molding?) God!!! You know that I am extremely impatient!!! Haiz....Was wondering since BaoBei stop going to church and CG, should I stop going too? In a way that I become what Esther did. Just go for church service and have no bondage's towards CGs. Cos you see, CG is suppose to be a group whereby your church members gone though with you thick or thin. Fellowship with you, pray with you(talking about this, I forgot when was the LAST time I really prayed) etc. But sorry to say, I still feel it lacks of something to sustain me. Plus maybe there are more and more commitments, so I feel more and more pressured.

Something happened during my work. I was sent to UOB plaza 1 to deliver what it seems like a letter to one of the offices there. In exchange for the visitor pass, I need to give my IC to the securities at the counter. I remembered very clearly that when I gave my IC, it was in good condition. When I came back from the office, this is what happen: When I receive my IC back, it felt very different in the touch. Like somewhere there's a CRACK! When I look carefully, the right side of my IC had indeed been crack off(almost to the state of broken into half!!!) I was very angry and question the security of how they handed my IC!!! One security answered me,"Every one's IC is the same! You broke the IC yourself is it?!" NB!!!! If my IC has been broken earlier, I WOULD HAVE KNOWN!!!! He then said,"Go report to police lah!!!" After that I went back to work and Khair help me to call his friend who is in the police force to ask. He said that there is nothing the police can do about it plus I do not have any witness or solid evidence to say that it's the securities who broke my IC. SWAY DAO~! I was very angry until I don't know what to say!!! The only way I could console myself is this Chinese old phase,"Jiu de bu qu, xin de bu lai" meaning, the old won't go, the new won't come by. Anyway, I see this as a good opportunity to make a new IC. I wanted to make a new IC long time ago - Just to add my Christian name behind my full name.

Went out with Sheryln, Esther and turtle. Ask Sheryln a lot of questions about the IC renewal. In order to add my Christian name to my new IC, I need to engage a lawyer to sign the court documents and to use the document to make a new IC. Of course will be much more expensive. But to me, it's still worth it. Cos...it's my name mah!

Went for a chat with Turtle while Esther and Sheryln went for toilet break. I told her something that I never told my other friends before, my real reason to why and what I am doing now. When she hear it, she shared with me about her depression and how Sheryln manage to make her get out of it. She ask me to find my own source of way to release. Cos different people release their burdens and stress differently. When Esther and Sheryln came back, Esther ask me to tell her my other reason. Sorry, why I don't wish to say is because I don't want you all to worry about me. Turtle said to them,"When she feels that it's time or when she feel like telling you, she will. Just don't force her". Though I said it out to turtle but don't worry. I won't do it. At least, I know myself. Cos if I wanted to do it, I won't say it out until I do.

Turtle then send me a chinese SMS that it's very meaningful. It's about life. Though I do not know who the ORIGINAL sender was, but the message was encouraging enough to make me cry. This is the message in English(sorry cos my computer can't type chinese so I will translate the SMS in English):

In the process of growing up,
there will bound to be set-backs
know to protect yourself
know also to love yourself
life's happiness or sadness
depends on how you want to write it
hiding might not be able to hide from it
facing it might not be the most unbearable
getting it might not last
losing it might not mean that it won't get back
turning around might not mean that it's the weakest
Don't be in a hurry to say that it's no choice
Don't think that in this world, there's only right and wrong
the answer to many things doesn't only mean one
so, we always have a way to go
you can find a reason to be sad,
surely you can find a reason to be happy
the people who have no worries, found relaxation
the people who knows how to forget, found freedom
the people who knows how to care, found friends
meaningful? Share it with your friends

Sorry that if I am bad in my translation. Those friends whom I have forward the above message to in Chinese will know what it says. It made me shed a tear but at the same time, it is encouraging enough to make me live on.

I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Colleague's strange behaviour + unreasonable schedule = KNS!!!

Went to work in the morning and scolded by Manager. He ask one of my colleagues why were we knocking off late yesterday night and she's kinda angry and scolded him back. But then again, WE ARE NOT PAID FOR OVERTIME, so why did the Boss make so much of a fuss?! He then laid out a schedule of "rules" that we are to follow. On that day, I am already not in a good mood cos I only manage to sleep for only 3 hours! Cos the fellowship end late and somehow or rather, I couldn't get to sleep. I don't want to take the sleeping pills cos it will make me sleep for at least 8 hours! The other day, Pastor just preach that we should get at least 6 hours of sleep to be sufficient. I told Khair not to disturb me or talk to me for the rest of the day cos I am not in a good mood due to lack of sleep. Talking about this, Manager told us that we are NOT suppose to talk at work at all!!! NBC!!! BORING WORK LIFE!!!! The only time I AM allow to talk is only during my break hours, which is only40 minutes!!! SAI LAH!!!

Feel like punching something and shouting at somebody!!! When Khair saw me in that state, he suddenly said,"Ai yah..come come. You beat me lah. If after beating me up will make you feel better, I don't mind". I said,"You siao ah?! KNS! Beat you for what? You are not the one who offend me what. Siam lah!" He then block my way and refuse to let me go out and said,"You beat me first. If I pain then I let you go"
Me: "Siao ah!? Siam lah!"
Khair: "Mai leh"
Me: *Pek Chek* "You better siam or else! Later you fly then I don't know"
Khair: "oh ya? See who fly first. Wanna try me?"

Me: Siam lah!

After that I finally hit him..but softly, on his arm. I don't know how to describe my feeling at that time. Khair wanted to go drinking with me tonight but I am meeting my friends later in the night so I couldn't join him. He is still wounded from his relationship. Anyway, the way I heard him drinking, I will sure get knock out before he do.

Went to meet Esther, Da Lao Po and Turtle(forgot her name). Played DDR extreme and they said it will help me to release stress. Okay lah. But still I don't know how to release. Have Pasta Mania for dinner and went back home after that.