Break down + negative thoughts = Help?

My day was not very good on Friday. Cried on the way home cos being chase out by Manager. I do not know what exactly I had done wrong. Feeling very suicidal there and then...almost took my own life(not going to tell you how). Shared with BaoBei about my day but..he could only listen. What else could he do? He's in camp. My friends were at work. I am alone. My heart feeling very heavy. I cried to myself and no one hears. I think I am already on the edge.

Hang around at Clementi area and went home at 2pm. Lied to my Mum that I am not feeling well, therefore releasing early from work. Didn't want her to worry. Rent some VCDs to watch and I cried while watching the VCDs though most are comedy shows. Pretend that I cried for the show and luckily my Mum didn't suspect a thing. Cos she is still learning English and so she thought that the show must be touching enough for me to cry.

Went for CGM and cried during CG too. Can't seems to stop my tears from flowing. The CGM was about prayer. You prayed for another person though HS. Very difficult for me cos my spiritual is not strong. If your spiritual is strong, you can really sense what is the person you need to pray for, like a sister from another CG did. She laid hands on me and pray for me. She said that I am facing thunderous amount of pressure and the pressure came from ALL sides at one shot. She said that I had already broken down(Did I?!)and said that God is only behind me. I just need to call out to him and pray. She said she saw me in a calm lake. In that picture, I was carefree and very relax. She said I need to release all my burdens up to Him. After she prayed, I cried very badly. BaoBei came for CG and the same girl prayed for him. She said she saw BaoBei on a ladder, heading towards God but somewhere, somehow, he is stuck in between to ladder and couldn't move. Went back to BaoBei's home to sleep. Cried at night and he consoles me and told me not to think too much. I worried about the future. I don't know why.

My friend celebrated my advance birthday for me. Eat 2 hours of steamboat and went to a cafe. They gave me a big bag for my present for the upcoming chalet. I was surprise that V SMS Esther to ask her to help him wish me Happy Birthday. When I saw the SMS, I was like, -_-" didn't really wish to talk to him. Although he didn't chase Lynn anymore but still, I don't know. I don't really treat him as friend. He's not my enemy now(cos I don't treat him as one) but neither is he my friend. Can considered strangers. I know, it's sad. But..I don't know how to put my thoughts into this. Do you know why V remembers my birthday? Because his Mum's birthday and mine are the SAME! Just that the years are different. That is why!

Yesterday, my CGMs help me to celebrate my birthday for me. Though it's not grand but I feel touch that almost all of them came! Jaslyn feels very sad that I didn't share with her my problem. I told her that I almost commit suicide on Friday and she was shocked! She said why didn't I call her to accompany me then? Cos...most of my friends are at work. She is studying and BaoBei is at camp. So..I am left with nobody. I told her that I think I have already broke down but I didn't know what I was doing at that time. All I know then was that I wanted to end my life to end the sufferings and the hurt that I have felt. The only reason why I couldn't do it is because people were walking here and there. The place I was at, is not very crowded but at the same time, if I were to do anything silly, I know someone will have seen it. So....that's why I am still here typing. Jaslyn said if I were to do that on that day, my soul will go to hell and will never make it to Heaven. Yes, I know. But...I am really suffocated at that time. I don't know what I was doing, I don't know what to do.

My leave was not approved. So I have to work for the whole week. My manager still treats me the same. But somehow, I felt a little bit better and a little bit happier. At least he didn't bother me so much...just for now. I hope my luck has indeed starting to be better.

I think I will end here for now. Don't know what else to write. Will blog again some other time.

Prince?! More like a bastard!!! Pui!!!

Went to meet Esther, Ivan and turtle to hang out yesterday. We were chatting happily until Esther received a call from Da Lao Po, saying that her prince will bring her to graveyard to drink. We thought they were joking at first but then things seems to get pretty serious as time goes by. Turtle was very worried for Lao Po and we took a cab down to Lim Chu Kang Cemetery to look for her. I followed Turle and BaoBei followed along too. We bid Esther and Ivan goodbye before we went to search for Da Lao Po. The cab driver refuse to drive us in even though we don't mind paying more. He also said,"Who the hell with the right mind would go into a cemetery to drink at night?!" The cab driver just drop us at the enterance of the Muslim Cemetery and we had to walk all the way in to look for Da Lao Po ourselves!

On the way in, I held onto BaoBei's hand tightly. I heard a lot of strange sounds that I couldn't describe what they were. In front of us, all three of us saw a flash of light, flashing at us only once and disappear! Ivan ask later was the light came from the graveyard watchman? I tell you, the answer is NO! There is NO graveyard watchman around at that time although there was a wooden house on my right hand side. But...even then, do you know that the house, which is the nearest to us, have to walk a distance to get to the house itself? When we got closer to look where the light is, it was only a tree! How on earth could a light came from a tree?! The time when we reach the Muslim graveyard was past 12 midnight and it was full moon. We then saw a van driving towards us. I ask is that Da Lao Po? We went closer to look and she was in the front seat of the van. I slam the van door and of course, her "prince" wasn't very happy about it. Turtle pull her aside to talk but Da Lao Po don't seems to listen to her.

After that Turtle went to talk to "prince" while BaoBei and I smoke at a corner. He was glaring at me though. He then agreed to drop us at Redhill MRT station. When he finally drop us at Clementi MRT station, one of his Malay friend with a big dragon tattoo on his back, came down and scold BaoBei, saying that he don't like the way BaoBei walks. Very sa pa rak(386 in hokkien). He ask us to remember his face(I will!), and said that if BaoBei walks that kinda way again, he will beat him up outside. NBC!! That is his natural walking way! Whatever shit you are unhappy about?! Then if others don't like that way YOU walk, does that mean they have the right to beat you up also?! I regret that I didn't stand up for BaoBei at that time.

From then on, I hate her "prince"! Don't know what she sees in him! Okay..maybe it's not him but I really don't like his social circle of friends! I know I don't have the right to interfer. It's her choice and I have to respect it. From then on, my impression of her boyfriend drops. He is really not suitable for her after all! But well, when you are so in love with a person, especially since he's your first love, most likely you won't listen what your friends point of view for your guy. Cos to you, your guy is almost perfect. Only those around you will see the full picture.

I will end here for now. Da Lao Po, if you don't like anything I said here, I am sorry but I am stating the fact! I had apologise to him for slamming his door and he said this to my anata before he left,"You stay in Whoapoh right? Be careful!" and then to me,"You too!" What the hell does he meant by that?!

Mess up life + Gangs = My only source of death

Went home to watch the 9.30pm channel U show about bloggers. The show talks mainly about Teenage gangs and their lives. When I watch the show, I realize that I am not as "hiong" as them as I have thought. The main character was a girl grew up from a rich family. Her behaviour really very "Quai". Really not suitable to be an Ah lian. The way she fight, I really don't know what to say. Only to think,"Siao eh..is that what you called fighting?" Her gangs even have to teach her how to fight -_-". They fight with other gangs in order to snatch territory(a place where they claim is their "land") Those who were in gangs before or are currently in gangs will know what I am talking about. But then I thought usually territory snatching is done only by senior gang members and not Juniors?! After watching the whole show and the main character wrack her future because of her slipping grades and was force to be on the venge of kicking out from school. Her rich parents were upset and worried about her future. By the way, the school she studies at is one of a top school in Singapore. Part of me wanted to join a gang again. Yes, I might be wasting my future away with those people but then again, what kinda future do I have? None! The main character also cuts herself with pen-knife. She said this,"Don't ask me, whether is it painful? I just want to feel the pain to know that I am still staying alive". Her cuts are deep and are fresh wounds! For me, during the times I cut myself, my reason is this,"I want to feel the PAIN so that I could feel the COMFORT in the later part of the pain" This, again, only those who cut themselves before might know what I am talking about.

BaoBei called to ask me about work and I seriously don't wish to talk about it. There's nothing to talk about. My manager is really very annoying these days!!! I don't know what the hell is wrong with him?! Don't know since when, whenever I punch in for work, he will surely find something to scold me!!! Even though the things might not be my fault(JUST BECAUSE I AM A FULL TIMER) I think it's because he feels that full timers are the ones who should be scolded regardless whether the duty is done by them or not! NBC!!! His part timer earn more than me okay!!!! I have ask around my friends without revealing my pay, whether is it reasonable for a PART-TIMER to earn MORE than a FULL-TIMER? Ivan said it is impossible for a part-time to earn more than full time unless they work longer hours than full time or they are working 12-hour shift. Everything I do(or NOT do) will get scolded!!! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF IT!!!!!!! Just quarrelled with my Manager and he says things that it not what I meant! I don't wish to quarrel with him further but only to state the facts! Khair said I am being sarcastic but I am not!!!

Though out the whole TV show, my Mum keeps on talking about BaoBei and his Mum. Because I shared with her that she is being scolded by his Mum. My MUM being bullied by others and yet I can't do a single thing!!!! She ask when his Mum said that, did BaoBei said anything? I said no(Most of the time, BaoBei don't know what to say) She then keep blaming me that I don't study hard enough and get myself a rich guy. Please lah...rich guys won't like ugly girls like me. She is disappointed that I have to live in BaoBei's place but yet being bullied by the members in the household. She said why don't BaoBei stay over instead?(Cos BaoBei don't like my home). I also shared with her that BaoBei wants to be a teacher and not a Chef when he comes out for work. She states that teachers earn lesser than Chef and on top of that, it's very hard to get into a school plus they have to keep on going for courses and studies to upgrade themselves.

Why is life much more difficult to live as the years went by? I only miss my Primary - Sec school daze only because during those times, no one dare to talk to me, no one dare to approach me. I am only with my gangs for 2 years and left the gangs, after that and I am on my own. Even then, still, no one approach me. Not that I am a good fighter or whatever. But because the way I throw my tantrum whenever someone provokes me or angered me. It's only a small action but yet it is big enough to impact on my schoolmates not to anger or provoke me.

I said that in a joking manner to my friends before, don't be sad for me even when I die. Just forget about me. Thinking back, what is there to be sad? Is it because my presence is no longer felt?(If so, I tell you, your life really be much more better without me than you think!). Is there any other reason? Friendship? Friends come and go. So....1 more or lesser, seriously doesn't make any difference. Love? You will find a better girlfriend(or maybe wife)than me, seriously speaking. I have no achievements, no title, no money, no fame, everything that I should have, I don't have it.(Yes, I have friendships and Love) but I still feel something is missing. Maybe death is the only answer for me.

For my friends: After reading this, please don't panic for me. Please don't worry. I am just blogging for fun. I won't have the courage to die. So no worries. Esther, this is the part that I told Turtle why I smoke for the real reason: I want to end my life slowly. Besides my stress as my other reason(which is also true. Not lie) But when I die, I make sure my ENEMIES will die together with me!!!

The world is really a cruel place...why did God create the earth and humans in the first place?! A lot of messy things are happening, a lot of ugly things are reflected! No God, I don't blame you for creating the world. The world is nice on the outside. I enjoyed your creations like the sun, wind, clouds and sea. Not forgetting your plants too(trees, Jungles, forest etc) but do you know God? The world is really corrupted on the inside??? Incest are happening(which you forbid in the first place), crime rates are increasing, humans living in mess up lives, the 10 commendents are breaking:
1) Thou Shalt not have other Gods before me:
-> Then what are those idols and statues and cults for?

2) Thou shalt not murder:

-> Then why are deaths of murdered occur in the world? Because of hatred and unresolved anger?

3) Thou shall not commit adultery.

-> The human flesh only goes for new things. New human. New feeling of love and affection. It's really very hard to stay faithful to one partner

4) Thou shall not steal.

-> Some people can't possess what they longed to have thus...the sin

5) Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.

-> That bitch(HY) did this to my BaoBei! Then?! If it's not false witness, what is?! LY, your sister break this commendment!

6) Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
-> Sorry Lord but I find this very difficult! Especially to BaoBei's Mum!

7) For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and consecrated it.

-> That is why we have 6 days work week on most places -_-"

The rest, some of it is repeated on the above. So refer to Bible for the full commendments. This time, I guess, I really break down. I don't know what to do anymore. Don't wish to talk to anyone.....don't wish to live....just wish to be alone

My life

Cruel eyes of the society,

harsh reality of the world

Despair lurks in my eyes

Sorrow dwells within my heart

Trying to find ways to end my life in a flash

Ending the misery and the pain that pierce from within

Friends leaving my life one after another

Enemies surround me, awaiting for revenge

Words that I couldn't speak,

feelings that I couldn't show

Trying to stay invisible,

trying to be non-existent

On the whole, I may seem alright

Deep inside, I'm being tore apart

A broken heart,

a fragile mind

Breaking down on the inside,

trying to be strong on the outside

Crying till the tears runs dry

Shouting till the voice went hoarse

Whoever can help me?

Whatever can save me?

Wishing hard to end my life,

just to escape permanently

from this cruel and sarcastic world

LY's workplace + her change of mindset + Charger arguement = SIAN!!! PEK CHEK!!!!

Baobei and me went for dinner a few days ago at Cineleisure and he happened to saw LY. I didn't see her until she turn around. She was greeting her friend who is seated behind us but didn't see us. I then tried to wave at her but she didn't see me..until I call her name out. So coincidence! She is working at Taka B1 selling shoes(like her elder sister did -_-") Oh sorry..I forgot you almost don't have an elder sister..(That bitch!) Chat with her very happily but I scared she will kena scold by her boss. Her friend(whom I don't know her name) was Ivan's God-sister! KNS! The world in Singapore is really very small! Ivan also know 1 of my ex-boyfriend's cousin, Han Bing! While Angelia's kid brother is Aidah's friend! Wah liew! Ivan surely has strong connections!(Scarly he also happen to know my ex-boyfriends gangs) I do really hope that Li Yi has no longer self-inflict injury on herself anymore(Oei LY..I am worried for you on this part). Erm...at least she claims that she doesn't. Anything can find me.

Turtle stayed over at BaoBei's place last week. She borrowed a charger from Ivan(TAKE NOTE OF THIS PART). Before that, I heard Ivan proudly proclaimed that he has a few similar chargers at home so no need to worry. After that she claims that her bag is heavy and pass the charger to BaoBei. Which by the way, the charger is SIBEI LIGHT! But because BaoBei will be away in camp for TWO WEEKS, he pass the charger to me and ask me to remember to pass it to Ivan. Okay..like that never mind. I THEN REALISE THE REASON WHY IN THE FIRST PLACE TURTLE PASS THE CHARGER TO ME(or BaoBei for that matter) This is my guessing: She is afraid of being "chased" by Esther! Which is what she eventually did to me until I got extremely fed-up! This is what Esther did that lead me to be angry, frustrated and stress!!! Esther, in case you do not know why I got sooooo angry and fed-up, this is THE REASON WHY:

Baobei already pass me the charger to ask me to pass it to Ivan, on Monday, we did not meet and you ALREADY SMS ME TO REMIND ME TO BRING THE CHARGER! I did not reply because, I had already told you before a lot of times and even in front of Jia Xing, then whatever SMSes that only requires me to reply: Okay/ok or any ONE WORD LETTER, I WILL NOT REPLY!!! Even though I may have received your SMS. This is my style! and to the rest of my friends who view my blog, if you send me any SMS that requires me to just reply OKAY, please take note, I WILL NOT REPLY AND I DON'T WISH TO REPEAT THIS AGAIN!

2) I know that your lunch time is in the afternoon. But hor, if you already sent me an SMS to REMIND ME TO PUT INSIDE MY BAG, WHY DO YOU NEED TO SMS ME DURING MY MOST BUSIERST HOURS?!(Which happens to be rush-hour LUNCH TIME!) to ask me whether I had put in my bag?!

Sorry that I did not state and did not say this to all of you: From now onwards, my handphone is 24-hours ON! And I will never silent/off my handphone unless I am in these places or circumstances:
1) Cinemas
2) Church
3) CG meeting
4) Places that requires me to switch off or silent my hand phone

5) My handphone battery is either low-batt or completely dead!

Da Lao Po, I am sorry to have shouted at you even though this whole thing is not your fault but I am really very angry that Esther keep on SMS me during my most busiest hours! Esther, try this at your workplace if you dare for just ONE DAY. You switch ON your handphone(NOT SILENT MODE) and set your ringing volume that only YOU CAN HEAR. When your phone rings, in front of several customers who gave you a strange look on their faces, how would you feel? And if one of them comes to you to ask,"Excuse me Miss, is that your phone ringing?" How would you feel?

After the whole episode, Turtle and Esther SMS me. One to apologise, the other to thank me. If you still don't know what I am angry for, then forget it. Just take it as I am talking to the wind!