Mess up life + Gangs = My only source of death

Went home to watch the 9.30pm channel U show about bloggers. The show talks mainly about Teenage gangs and their lives. When I watch the show, I realize that I am not as "hiong" as them as I have thought. The main character was a girl grew up from a rich family. Her behaviour really very "Quai". Really not suitable to be an Ah lian. The way she fight, I really don't know what to say. Only to think,"Siao eh..is that what you called fighting?" Her gangs even have to teach her how to fight -_-". They fight with other gangs in order to snatch territory(a place where they claim is their "land") Those who were in gangs before or are currently in gangs will know what I am talking about. But then I thought usually territory snatching is done only by senior gang members and not Juniors?! After watching the whole show and the main character wrack her future because of her slipping grades and was force to be on the venge of kicking out from school. Her rich parents were upset and worried about her future. By the way, the school she studies at is one of a top school in Singapore. Part of me wanted to join a gang again. Yes, I might be wasting my future away with those people but then again, what kinda future do I have? None! The main character also cuts herself with pen-knife. She said this,"Don't ask me, whether is it painful? I just want to feel the pain to know that I am still staying alive". Her cuts are deep and are fresh wounds! For me, during the times I cut myself, my reason is this,"I want to feel the PAIN so that I could feel the COMFORT in the later part of the pain" This, again, only those who cut themselves before might know what I am talking about.

BaoBei called to ask me about work and I seriously don't wish to talk about it. There's nothing to talk about. My manager is really very annoying these days!!! I don't know what the hell is wrong with him?! Don't know since when, whenever I punch in for work, he will surely find something to scold me!!! Even though the things might not be my fault(JUST BECAUSE I AM A FULL TIMER) I think it's because he feels that full timers are the ones who should be scolded regardless whether the duty is done by them or not! NBC!!! His part timer earn more than me okay!!!! I have ask around my friends without revealing my pay, whether is it reasonable for a PART-TIMER to earn MORE than a FULL-TIMER? Ivan said it is impossible for a part-time to earn more than full time unless they work longer hours than full time or they are working 12-hour shift. Everything I do(or NOT do) will get scolded!!! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF IT!!!!!!! Just quarrelled with my Manager and he says things that it not what I meant! I don't wish to quarrel with him further but only to state the facts! Khair said I am being sarcastic but I am not!!!

Though out the whole TV show, my Mum keeps on talking about BaoBei and his Mum. Because I shared with her that she is being scolded by his Mum. My MUM being bullied by others and yet I can't do a single thing!!!! She ask when his Mum said that, did BaoBei said anything? I said no(Most of the time, BaoBei don't know what to say) She then keep blaming me that I don't study hard enough and get myself a rich guy. Please lah...rich guys won't like ugly girls like me. She is disappointed that I have to live in BaoBei's place but yet being bullied by the members in the household. She said why don't BaoBei stay over instead?(Cos BaoBei don't like my home). I also shared with her that BaoBei wants to be a teacher and not a Chef when he comes out for work. She states that teachers earn lesser than Chef and on top of that, it's very hard to get into a school plus they have to keep on going for courses and studies to upgrade themselves.

Why is life much more difficult to live as the years went by? I only miss my Primary - Sec school daze only because during those times, no one dare to talk to me, no one dare to approach me. I am only with my gangs for 2 years and left the gangs, after that and I am on my own. Even then, still, no one approach me. Not that I am a good fighter or whatever. But because the way I throw my tantrum whenever someone provokes me or angered me. It's only a small action but yet it is big enough to impact on my schoolmates not to anger or provoke me.

I said that in a joking manner to my friends before, don't be sad for me even when I die. Just forget about me. Thinking back, what is there to be sad? Is it because my presence is no longer felt?(If so, I tell you, your life really be much more better without me than you think!). Is there any other reason? Friendship? Friends come and go. So....1 more or lesser, seriously doesn't make any difference. Love? You will find a better girlfriend(or maybe wife)than me, seriously speaking. I have no achievements, no title, no money, no fame, everything that I should have, I don't have it.(Yes, I have friendships and Love) but I still feel something is missing. Maybe death is the only answer for me.

For my friends: After reading this, please don't panic for me. Please don't worry. I am just blogging for fun. I won't have the courage to die. So no worries. Esther, this is the part that I told Turtle why I smoke for the real reason: I want to end my life slowly. Besides my stress as my other reason(which is also true. Not lie) But when I die, I make sure my ENEMIES will die together with me!!!

The world is really a cruel place...why did God create the earth and humans in the first place?! A lot of messy things are happening, a lot of ugly things are reflected! No God, I don't blame you for creating the world. The world is nice on the outside. I enjoyed your creations like the sun, wind, clouds and sea. Not forgetting your plants too(trees, Jungles, forest etc) but do you know God? The world is really corrupted on the inside??? Incest are happening(which you forbid in the first place), crime rates are increasing, humans living in mess up lives, the 10 commendents are breaking:
1) Thou Shalt not have other Gods before me:
-> Then what are those idols and statues and cults for?

2) Thou shalt not murder:

-> Then why are deaths of murdered occur in the world? Because of hatred and unresolved anger?

3) Thou shall not commit adultery.

-> The human flesh only goes for new things. New human. New feeling of love and affection. It's really very hard to stay faithful to one partner

4) Thou shall not steal.

-> Some people can't possess what they longed to have thus...the sin

5) Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.

-> That bitch(HY) did this to my BaoBei! Then?! If it's not false witness, what is?! LY, your sister break this commendment!

6) Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
-> Sorry Lord but I find this very difficult! Especially to BaoBei's Mum!

7) For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and consecrated it.

-> That is why we have 6 days work week on most places -_-"

The rest, some of it is repeated on the above. So refer to Bible for the full commendments. This time, I guess, I really break down. I don't know what to do anymore. Don't wish to talk to anyone.....don't wish to live....just wish to be alone