My day was not very good on Friday. Cried on the way home cos being chase out by Manager. I do not know what exactly I had done wrong. Feeling very suicidal there and then...almost took my own life(not going to tell you how). Shared with BaoBei about my day but..he could only listen. What else could he do? He's in camp. My friends were at work. I am alone. My heart feeling very heavy. I cried to myself and no one hears. I think I am already on the edge.
Hang around at Clementi area and went home at 2pm. Lied to my Mum that I am not feeling well, therefore releasing early from work. Didn't want her to worry. Rent some VCDs to watch and I cried while watching the VCDs though most are comedy shows. Pretend that I cried for the show and luckily my Mum didn't suspect a thing. Cos she is still learning English and so she thought that the show must be touching enough for me to cry.
Went for CGM and cried during CG too. Can't seems to stop my tears from flowing. The CGM was about prayer. You prayed for another person though HS. Very difficult for me cos my spiritual is not strong. If your spiritual is strong, you can really sense what is the person you need to pray for, like a sister from another CG did. She laid hands on me and pray for me. She said that I am facing thunderous amount of pressure and the pressure came from ALL sides at one shot. She said that I had already broken down(Did I?!)and said that God is only behind me. I just need to call out to him and pray. She said she saw me in a calm lake. In that picture, I was carefree and very relax. She said I need to release all my burdens up to Him. After she prayed, I cried very badly. BaoBei came for CG and the same girl prayed for him. She said she saw BaoBei on a ladder, heading towards God but somewhere, somehow, he is stuck in between to ladder and couldn't move. Went back to BaoBei's home to sleep. Cried at night and he consoles me and told me not to think too much. I worried about the future. I don't know why.
My friend celebrated my advance birthday for me. Eat 2 hours of steamboat and went to a cafe. They gave me a big bag for my present for the upcoming chalet. I was surprise that V SMS Esther to ask her to help him wish me Happy Birthday. When I saw the SMS, I was like, -_-" didn't really wish to talk to him. Although he didn't chase Lynn anymore but still, I don't know. I don't really treat him as friend. He's not my enemy now(cos I don't treat him as one) but neither is he my friend. Can considered strangers. I know, it's sad. But..I don't know how to put my thoughts into this. Do you know why V remembers my birthday? Because his Mum's birthday and mine are the SAME! Just that the years are different. That is why!
Yesterday, my CGMs help me to celebrate my birthday for me. Though it's not grand but I feel touch that almost all of them came! Jaslyn feels very sad that I didn't share with her my problem. I told her that I almost commit suicide on Friday and she was shocked! She said why didn't I call her to accompany me then? Cos...most of my friends are at work. She is studying and BaoBei is at camp. So..I am left with nobody. I told her that I think I have already broke down but I didn't know what I was doing at that time. All I know then was that I wanted to end my life to end the sufferings and the hurt that I have felt. The only reason why I couldn't do it is because people were walking here and there. The place I was at, is not very crowded but at the same time, if I were to do anything silly, I know someone will have seen it. So....that's why I am still here typing. Jaslyn said if I were to do that on that day, my soul will go to hell and will never make it to Heaven. Yes, I know. But...I am really suffocated at that time. I don't know what I was doing, I don't know what to do.
My leave was not approved. So I have to work for the whole week. My manager still treats me the same. But somehow, I felt a little bit better and a little bit happier. At least he didn't bother me so much...just for now. I hope my luck has indeed starting to be better.
I think I will end here for now. Don't know what else to write. Will blog again some other time.
No comments:
Post a Comment