Lunar New Year

Was suppose to be a extremely Happy New Year yesterday. But guess what?! My Mum quarrel with me about BaoBei. Apparently, she is not happy with me keep going over to BaoBei's place to stay over every weekend, and says that BaoBei is quite disrespectful towards her plus some other stuffs. In my fit of anger, I shout at her in front of don't know how many people,"Last time, I used to date Colin!!! Who is, IN MY EYES, A very rich guy that you've ever wanted!!! In the end, WHAT HAPPENED?!" She then told me this,"I did not say that I don't like Colin okay!? But the way he treat you?! He promised me he'll never bully you! In the end?! He left without a word and you cry so bad for him!!! If this is not bully, then tell me what is?!" My brother, as usual the peace-maker, try to interrupt our quarrel,"Oei! Today 大年初一can both of you don't quarrel? Not good leh" I cried on the way to Dua Gu's place, and my Mum order me not to cry! 妈的！You tell me how NOT to cry?! KNS!!!! Bo dua Bo ji bring this topic up?! No mood to celebrate the New Year anymore as you can guess. This year Ang Bao more lesser than last year. But overall I still feel happy cos this year, surprisingly, Boss gave me $158 Ang Bao money. But -$600 half month salary -_-"

Today is 年初二but I've long ago done with me visiting and rot at home. Vicente aka Vincent surprisingly ask me am I free today? But he didn't reply me in the end. Well, is ok. Esther ask me out too. But I really don't have the mood to go out. Plus, there are not many shops open on this day. So I decided to stay at home and play viwawa(http://www.viwawa.com)

Talk to Nicole about my problems. Strange for me to pour out my problems to her every time we chat online. I think I really need to control myself not to pour out my problems to her every time I see her. Cos I feel very bad lah.

Went to BaoBei's place to pack ALL my things due to what my Mum said. Took a taxi home and the cab fare cost $11.40(I gave the taxi driver $11.50 & ask him to keep the change) Before that I feed Vivi. She seems to be straving! Nobody feed her?! I think I need some time to cool things off but I don't know how to tell BaoBei. He doesn't allow me to pack my things home which I don't know why. When I pack today, I realize that I have a lot of clothes at his place -_-"

I didn't even left a note to tell him. I guess he will try to call me when he is back? But I don't wish to answer his calls. I don't know how to tell him what I am thinking. I feel very pressured being together with him cos I feel that it is as if I am doing everything and he is doing nothing. As a result, I am always the one who gets scolded either by his Mum or my Mum.

During the New Year, one of my long time cousin whom I had not seems for years, suddenly appear. Never mind. His arrogant wife, ask me what I am doing? I replied,"BOC building, as counter crew" She just replied a "Oh" and look at me with the kinda eyes, that people use to see/look at other people when they look down on people that kinda eyes. If you know what I am trying to say? I ask her what she is working as? She only replied(rudely),"Office" I ask,"Admin?" She just shake her head and refuse to reply me her position. My Mum said,"See lah! Ask you to study you don't want. People will look down on you. Aiyah..since she just said office and refuse to reveal her position, she also confirm those low office girl position lah" The most I can think of, she maybe is just an accountant. That is the 2nd "highest" besides Admin Assistant. I don't want to work in office anymore because I can't take the politics. But then, people says that everywhere you go, it's the same. There are bond to be office politics even in sales, retail etc. That's life. Just got to deal with it. Seriously, I do not know what to do with my life. I just wish to end it all after I paid my debts and settle everything in my life and ready to go, I will go by myself. But I will save money for my own coffin fees(Which I heard about $4000 - $8000 or more) depending on the ritual and whether you want burial or ash. BaoBei of course not very happy every time I mention this. He doesn't understand, I really don't wish to live anymore. I think I have depression but I am not sure. I also don't want to see psychologist. The fees very high. Just feel that life is just day in and day out. Useless. Just a routine. Nothing special about it. Also, partly because of BaoBei, I am always not happy. I am not saying that he made me unhappy. But it's the things that I have to shoulder on. Which I don't know how to explain to him and I guess he will never understand. Because he earns even lower pay than me, this makes things extremely tiring and much more difficult burden to my life. My life burden, is much more heavier than my already heavy bag I have to carry everyday. If even simple things(NORMAL relationship bf/gf will do everyday) I have to open my mouth to ASK from him, I have already know my stand in the relationship.

On the surface, I may seem like I live well. But in fact, I am not. I have my own problems which I guess people will never understand. I do things in a way that is very different from normal people. Ya, you can say I am abnormal. I am abnormal from the very beginning of my life. Some times I think I have enough and wish to go. But I have things to settle first.

Will end here first. I have already warn you(whoever you are and reading this), my entry will be very bleak. You can don't read if you want. This is just a place for me to rant everything out.