Very tiring and sick

Yesterday I went to service with my cell group members. We then sing alot of Christmas songs and worship together. During the sermon that Pastor Kong gave, I cried. Cos there was something that he said, touch my heart and it was what I was going though in my life! I then raise my hand and a sister then came and pray for me.

After the service, we went to have our dinner. Vincent then went to the gents while I went to buy food from Burger King. I forgot to use my coupons! Argh! Then I went to the 2nd level with Jing Xian leading me cos I do not know how to go. When I reach there, I ate with the rest. After dinner, we then played games and it was quite fun. I was forfeit once but I still have to go out to dance..sian..then Vincent video captured my dance moves...so malu! After then we then left and Vincent and I went to meet our friends at Orchard.

When we meet, I then went to a sports shop to see if I could find the type of shoes that I wanted. But sadly, I couldn't find the type that I really want at the shop..or maybe there is no such type of shoe that I am looking for. It's okay. I then went to rejoin my friends and we head to Bugis street to eat desserts. After eating, we then went to Espanade and chat. We then chat about girl's talk while Vincent and Silvia's bf talk about soccer. Jia Xing then ask me is it true that when I take the slimming product, after I manage to slim down, my "assets" will become smaller too? I told her sadly, Yes. Silvia was then very shock and said,"Huh? Really? Then u still take?"I replied that I have no choice cos I wanted to slim down. We then talk craps for awhile before we board the NR home.

Initally I wanted to go back with Esther and Sheryln but Vincent ask me to stay to accompany Jia Xing. After confirming that there will be a last NR bus ride home, we then stay with Jia Xing to wait until her bus came and she board it. I then board the last NR with Vincent. Along the way, I was staring outside the window and Vincent ask me what's on my mind and I replied,"Nothing". Vincent then shared with me a bit of his problems and I listened to him. Oh! And 1 thing I must clearify, if at any moment when you all tell me your problems and I seems distracted for a few seconds, please don't think that I don't have the heart to listen or what ok? I am not like that. It is just that I am used to doing two things at a time. So..sorry about it if I upset anyone that think that I am not listening to them..I am LISTENING okay? This I can promise you.

When I reach home, I message Vincent to SMS me when he reach home. I then went to sleep for a few hours before going to work. When I was at work, my eyes keep wanting to shut and I keep getting giddy. Esther then tried to talk at work but I keep on disturbing her and stop her from talking cos she have sore throat. Ya Cin then blame me jokingly that it must be my fault again that Esther is sick. I then gave Esther the sore thoat medicine that I have bought. I then told Ya Cin that Esther knows abit of sign language when I communciate with her though sign language yesterday. She said,"You know sign language meh?" I said,"Ya but only a tinnie winnie bit" She ask how come I know sign language and I explained to her that when I was a child, I have a mute friend whom I met at a playground near my old house.

At that time, I don't know she was a mute and she keep sighing all the time. Then she found a stick on the ground and she use it to write on the sand that she can't speak but she can hear what I am saying. I then apologise to her and ask if she want to play catch with me? We then played happily and we keep in contact for 4 years before I really lost contact with her. The last time I know, her grandmother's house is at Queenstown, Blk 173, 3rd or 4th level. But I do not know has she move away since then? I miss her very much. Because of her, I tried to learn sign language from her friends when I was in Primary 5. So far, they only teach me a few basic sign language which I could remember till today like,"Hi, how are you?", "I'm fine, thank you", "Good afternooon", "Good Night", "working", "see you", "I love you", "cry" and "goodbye". I have not enrolled into a sign language class. Which I am planning to if I have the time and money. I am still trying to learn how to sign,"I miss you" but no one could teach me. If I learnt how to sign,"I miss you", maybe when I finally get to see her on the streets again, I could sign that to her and hopefully she have not forgotten me. Vincent once consoled me by saying that God will definitely let me meet her again. But I think I almost forgotten how she look like..her face is getting blurer and blurer each time I tried to remember her. I only remembered her face when she was younger. Now I think she should be 17 or 18. How time flies.

My friend, if you happened to read this and your grandmother's house used to be in Queenstown Stirling Rd Blk 173, 3rd/4th level, please give me a reply. I really miss you very mcuh. I am sorry that I have lost your number years ago. I really wish to see you again.

There are times I cried because of this. Cos I missed her too much. Maybe the people around me will never understand how come I can miss a mute friend so badly? I do not know how to explain. Maybe because I could learn new sign from her everyday and that makes me happy that I feel that I can so-called draw closer to her and understand her better. Whenever I see people signing to each other, my thoughts will immediately drift to the mute friend that I have lost contact with and it pierced my heart each time I saw those people signing. I will wonder everytime,"When can I see her again" and then sometimes tears will flow from my eyes when I think too much of it.

I guess I shall end here for now....I know today's blog is very boring..sorry cos I don't know what to write...Will blog again soon.

Sarcartic remark

HAHAHAHA! I am very happy today. This afternoon, I was late for work. But lucky Wendy never said anything. After that Peter then came to deliver the goods to us while we were having lunch. He then left soon after that. We then continue to do our work.

Around late afternoon, Wendy then received a phone call from Peter. After Wendy hang up, she told us that Peter has just sack Stacy cos she request to Peter if she could come back to work only after Chinese New Year? That's exactly one month! Peter then got very angry and told her that she could go on enjoying her life and don't need to come back to work anymore! When I heard that, I was overjoyed! Cos I don't have to see her and torlerate her nonsense anymore. I feel that I am very "xing(4) Zai(1) Le(4) Huo(4)"but...I like it!

Then...all of a sudden, I felt very scared. Cos it seems that whenever I curse someone from the bottom of my heart, the curse that I swear on the person seems to come true! Those people whom I have cursed, seems to have bad luck befalling on them the way I wanted it to be. Firstly, it was Colin. My first love. I used to cursed him to be jailed from the buttom of my heart and earlier this year, I receive news from Kenneth's friend that he heard from a friend of his from the Police force that Colin was jailed last year December(A few months after my last meeting with him)and was sentence to 7 years in prison for Gang fighting, illegal gathering, illegal VCD processions and another sentence which I forgotten. After that, it was Adrian Chong. One of my ex-bf who is a gang member. After he did something bad to me that ruin my life, I cursed him from the bottom of my heart that one day he'll get into trouble with the law and true enough, a few months after we broke up, he was jailed for transpassing, processing weapons, rioting and threatening a school boy. He was jailed for 2 years and 6 stokes of the cane. But after his release, he's still the same..hanging out with his gangs. But I find the curse that I put on Stacy was quite strange. Cos I cursed her 3 days ago that one day I hope that she'll be sack and I don't have to face her anymore and today she's been sack by Peter. Thinking about it, it seems that whenever I curse someone from the buttom of my heart, the curse always seems to work. Quite scary thinking about it.

After that I then went home cos I don't know where to go. Good night folks! Will write again some other day :)

gift wrapping

Today I feel very stressful at work cos there are quite alot of customers and most of them keep on "disturbing" me. I think maybe because I am the type of person that prefers to handle one customer at a time, so if I were to serve too many customers at the same time, I'll go crazy.

I then keep wanting to sleep as I slept quite late yesterday after watching the movie with Zhi Rong. Jia Xing then came around the evening to go out with Esther. She never invited me along to join her later or whatsoever.

When I reach home, I suddenly realize that I forgot to take my wrapping papers with me. I left it at my workplace drawer! Haiz...so forgetful. Lucky I still have some spare wrapping papers at home. I then ask my brother to help me to wrap but he said he don't know how and ask me to gift wrap myself. I then took one of the papers and wrap Vincent's present with it. I tried 3 attempts and finally I am sort of satisfied with the third attempt. Maybe because I have never gift wrap before so I find it quite difficult to do it.

Adrian then called me but I hang up his call and ask him not to talk to me about the business thingy again. I don't have the money to invest. He then SMS me to assure me that he won't be talking to me about the business. He then called again and I pick up. He then chat with me about other things. After that he ask me a question which I am quite scared of him. He ask me whether I am free on Tuesday night and if I could accompany him to scroll along the beach? I was very puzzled by his question as I do not know what exactly is he thinking on his mind? Or maybe I am being sensitive again? I then told him no initally but he plead to me saying that he is feeling quite stress and just need me to accompany him to the beach to walk with him. Even if I don't say anything, it's also fine with him. I then told him that I'll think about it.

When I was using the computer, I was surprise that the keyboard had been changed. Cos the previous keyboard had spoilt and my father change it to a smaller version. Wah! Quite difficult to type with the new keyboard cos they keyboard is too small! Wah! Test me on my typing skills with a smaller keyboard is it? Nevermind! I'll try to master it within a week lor! Humph! If not, the soonest within 48hours lor! Try to challange my typing skills is it?

I then thought of 25th December. I know it's still a long time. But I am planning on how to spend my day time as I only meet Vincent around the evening. So during the day, I have lots of free time. Sian..I plan to go visit someone and celebrate a small christmas for her but I don't know what time she'll be going church and what time she'll be at home. But I pray that I can get to talk to her for at least 3 - 4 hours before I go for for Vincent's birthday. I just pray that I could get to spend time with her longer.

I think I will end here. Will write again some other time...

Bought alot of X'mas present

This morning, I woke up at 8am. Some of you who knows I work in the afternoon shift will wonder how come I wake up so early in the morning right? Cos I need time to prepare myself to go out.

When I had finish preparing myself, it's already 9.30am. I then went out of my house and take a bus. I miss my stop at the commonwealth MRT and had to walk all the way to Queenstown MRT to catch a train. When I reach Tiong Bahru, it's already 10.30am. I then went to the 7-11 store to print some of the pictures from my handphone cos I don't want it to take up so much space in my handphone. After that I went up to buy myself a new wallet. I regret buying the wrong size as I could fit everything in except the money. Haiz...I then went up to the 3rd level and look at some accessories. Cos I was thinking of what to get for Vincent's present. Strange..usually for guy's present I have no problems buying for them but for Vincent's, I don't know why, it suddenly becomes so difficult cos I don't know what to get for him.

I think the sales person there do not know that I am a chinese as he keep on speaking to me in English. He then comment to his colleagues about me in chinese and I can understand each and every sentence that he comments but I just pretend that I don't know chinese. Maybe it's because I look more like Malay(cos alot of people said so)or that I look like Indonesian. He then try to stike conversations with me and ask what am I looking for and what is my budget? I then saw two things that catches my eye and ask how much is it? When he told me the price for it, I was very surprise. His colleagues then tease him and said alot of vaugarties which again I pretend that I do not know a single word. I then ask him to show me the two things that I had my eyes on and he ask who is it for? I then tell him that it is actually for my god-brother and I do not really know what type he wants. The sales person then recommand me one of the thing which he claims that it is the best seller and most guys would buy it. After some consideration, I decided to take what he recommand and was very surprise at the price!

After that when I was about to left the shop, I said,"Xie xie!"and he seems stunned that I could speak chinese. I am a chinese of course I know how to speak lah! I think maybe he feels guilty to what he said to his colleagues just now. Ai yah! Nevermind lah! I pretend that I never hear anything lor the most.

After that I went to "Ice Lemon Tea" and window shop for awhile as I still have some time before I start work. A bag then caught my fancy and I ask the sales person how much is it and she said it's $30++. I request her for a new bag but to my disappointment, it's the last bag they have in store and it's the latest arrival. I then bought the bag and went to "More Than Words" and buy a exchange gift for Christmas. After that I walk around for awhile before heading to take MRT to Harbour Front.

When I reach there, I realize that I got there too early and again I went to More Than Words and buy a gift for Ya Cin as she buy me a christmas gift. Then I walk around for awhile and bought myself a new handphone casing before I report to work. I like the colour very much. I then request the person to help me to change my casing. After changing, my immediate reaction was,"Wah! Ah lian handphone?!" Cos after she change, I feel that my handphone looks very "stylo"(meaning "cool" in proper English). When I reach work, Esther look at me in surprise and said,"Wah! Go shopping ah?" I then said,"Ya" and put my things down and went to pack counter. When Ya Cin arrive, I gave her the christmas present and she said,"Ai yo! I told you not to buy for me already!"She said thanks and took the gift away. Esther then ask what I bought for Vincent and I showed it to her and ask her to guess the price. When she couldn't guess and when I told her the price, she graps. I showed her a bag that I bought from Ice Lemon Tea and she comment something that made me feel very embaress. She said,"Eh? That bag looks very familiar. Orh! I remembered! The material is the same as Vincent's sling bag!" I then look at her with my eyes wide and look at the bag. I didn't notice that the material of the bag is the same as Vincent's. Ai yo! Malu! I was actually thinking of using it for church service as my bags couldn't fit in my notebook. Now since she said that, I dare not bring the bag to church le. Haiz..cos the other time I wear a t-shirt that is almost the same colour as his and he ask me to sit further away from him. I was a bit sad by that but I keep quiet cos I think he didn't mean it.

After that while I work, I keep thinking since I had to use that bag, the most I avoid Vincent lor. Cos I know what will be his reaction if he sees the bag. I don't want and I hate misunderstandings. It only fustruates me. I feel very heartache later cos I feel that I had spent too much money today. Haiz..Esther then remind me about the K-box outing we will have on the 24th and make sure I will set aside some money. I was thinking of fasting for maybe 3 weeks? Just to save the money. Erm...I will not really fast. But maybe I will just drink plain water the whole day without eating anything that's all.

Hahaha....so stupid

When I woke up this morning, I was feeling very depress cos of what happened yesterday night which I do not wish to mention about it. All I can say is that my inital plan had been foiled and I was quite upset about it. When I woke up, I lay on my bed crying and wondering whether should I report to work today? Cos I was thinking of getting M.C. I am not sick but I just don't have the mood to go to work. After I had finish crying and calm myself down, I drag myself out of bed and get myself ready for work.

When I reach my workplace, Wendy nag at me again for doing the scarf so slowly and said that I have spend 4 hours doing it and she is not happy about it. I then never said anything about it and keep quiet. I am already in a very bad mood and don't wish to quarrel with her further. After that when Ya Cin came, she gave me my christmas present and I was very surprise to receive it as she ask me not to buy her anything. Haiz..when I saw what she gave me, I was very happy as I was thinking of buying a hp chain as my previous chain had broke. I thank her and God for it as I think maybe it's God that spoke to her to buy me another chain. The chain was prettier than my previous chain and I like it very much.

Then Esther saw my earring and she ask me where I bought it and I said I bought it at "More Than Words" and I had bought it a long time ago. She then saw that I had 3 earrings on my left ear and said,"Wah! Since when u pierce so many ear holes? Chow Ah Lian!"I then laugh alittle at her comment as I know she is joking with me. She then ask why I seems so sad today and told her a little about what happen yesterday. She then encourage me to go. I'm still considering whether to continue going since my plan was foiled. I didn't make any back up plan for it that is why I am very upset. But a promise is a promise. Since I promise that I'll be there. I will defintely be there.

I then think of yesterday's chat with Wendy as she talk to me alot about cars and modifications. Although I do not know much about cars and all that, but hearing her talking to me about it makes me feel very excited. I don't know why. I then comment that I am envious that she can get to sit in a race car and to feel the speed as her then-boyfriend(now her husband)race with other racers. She then said,"Ai yah! You also can mah! Find yourself a Ah Beng boyfriend and you can get to feel the speed of the car and ask him to bring you along to his races lor"I then said,"Haha! If I have a Ah Beng boyfriend who race, I'll be happy. But then again, Ah Bengs are usually flirts and unfaithful boyfriends! So no way!" She then said to me that not all Ah Bengs are flirts. It depends on my luck. If the Ah Beng happens to be one of those who are faithful and responsible type, then it's a different story. Haha! Where got such guys right? Very funny...

After lunch, Wendy then tease me about the way I walk when I come back from buying food. She said when something is blocking my way, Iwill brake suddenly and stop there for 3 seconds before I move on which makes her laugh. When she shared this to Ya Cin and Esther, they laugh too and I feel very malu.

After work, I walk around alone and smoke for awhile before I went home. I was thinking of going drinking tomorrow to forget all about my problems but I know no one will go with me. Ladies night mah. I know it will not solve any problems but at least it can let me forget my unhappiness for awhile. I am still considering whether to ask Joesphline to accompany me along as we no longer talk to each other. Not because we fight before or what but somehow we just lost contact just like that. Part of the reason is because of Kenneth and Desmond which again I don't want to mention what happen cos it happen quite a long time ago. Sorry but this is how I release myself when I am depress or unhappy. I know alot of you will object and disapprove of the way I solve my problems. But this is one of the ways of how I used to solve my problems thoughout my years when no one is there for me or when I don't know how to express myself to others of what I am thinking. Anyway, even if I were to express, I will only create misunderstandings because of what I said. I hate that and I am very fustrated when this happens as I mention to some of my friends before that I am a person who do not know how to express myself well in either words or actions. I don't want to mention what is the other way that I used to solve..cos..it will scare quite alot of you if you ever learnt how I used to solve my problems. Looking back at my past, I now understand why my classmates and teachers are very scared and wary of me when I am upset about something. I do not understand why they get so freak out then but now I understand. It is something that I used to do it easily. But if I were to do it again now, I need alot alot of courage to do it. Cos after a teacher said to me about something that change my live totally, I did not do it anymore. I must really thank him for his words or else I do not know what I will become without his encouragment.

For those of you who read my blog now, don't worry about me. I am fine. It's just that I am poor at handling bad situations that's all. I am lousy at everything. Even to plan something for someone...I remembered there was a time I went to church, the pastor have this sermon that ask us to find what is our strong points and use it to serve God. But..no matter how I think, I couldn't find any strong points of myself. Haha! Funny right? But it's true. I don't have any strong points. Cos I couldn't think of any.

I think I shall end here for now. Will write again some other time.

Prayer

Today when I went to work, I saw Jerrica there. After some time, I then ask her could I get leave on one of the days of this month? She said she can help me to cover up my work for me but I must ask Wendy and Peter first to see if they approve my leave or not. Ahhh! I pray that they'll approve! Which I know it is not likely cos I must work on one alternate weekend. But still I pray hard for me to get the leave to be approve. Hopefully my prayers will be answered! Please! Tolong tolong! Father! I hope that You can answer my prayers please? Please? Cos that day is an important day for me! Please!

Esther then tell me a very good news. She said Peter let her off on Saturday! Yeah! We both off together! She was thinking of joining the church after it shift to Expo! Yeah! My god-brother and my prayers are answered! Yeah!!! As there are no customers around at that time, I then shout,"Praise the Lord! Our prayers are answered! Yeah!" Jerrica then gave me a whierd look. Esther then give me a -_-" look and said,"Shen(2) Jing(1) Bing(4) ah ni?!"I said,"Ya lor! Cos I can see you at church haha!"She then request for the most early service but I think the 5pm service is the earlist. She said if my cell group is really the earliest cell group, she have no choice but to join my cell group(If she join, Vincent's prayer will be answered).

Esther then said she feels that she lose out to me. Cos she said I haven't get baptize and yet I am so spiritual. She has already Baptize but yet she is not so spiritual..should be the other way round. I then told her that even how spiritual I am, I will lose out to somebody. Cos speaking of being spiritual, he is MORE spiritual than me lor!(You should know who you are)

After that, when Jerrica left, I showed Esther the pictures I have taken on Saturday and she said the pictures are nice. Ya Cin and Esther then tease me when I told them about Saturday's incident. Hahaha! This year ends quite fast but I am glad that it is over. I just hope that the coming year will bring me alot of joy and happiness as I am quite upset and disappointed of what happen in my life for last year and this year. I don't want to lose everything I had like I used to. Even though I may get used to being alone, but at times I can't escape the feeling of being decrimated and unwanted. Seriously speaking, even up till now I am still feeling this way. Maybe I think too much but this is what I really feel even up to today.

I remembered that there was a time, I don't know was it my dream or was it that I visionize, I saw God standing in a garden with alot of trees of different fruits and alot of different types of flowers. The place was very beautiful to me. He was writting something on a pierce of paper and then he look at me and I saw myself running away after He sees me. He then called out my name three times but each time he called, I run further away from him. He was walking slowly to catch up with me while I keep on running away from him and hide behind each tree as He came. He then ask me from afar,"Why is it that each step I tried to take towards you, you are drawing further and further away from me instead of coming closer to me?"I then cried while I answered Him,"Cos of my Sins Father. I have committed too many shameful Sins and so I am afraid to come to you. Don't touch me Father, for I am now too dirty for your hands to be layed upon me". When God heard that, I thought I saw a tear flowing from one of His eyes. I was thinking,"God cried?! Or was it that I am seeing things?" He then said,"I have forgive you of ALL your Sins. There is no such thing that the Sins you have committed are greater than I am. Unless you tell me that you have taken someone's life". I then peek at him though one of the trees and he sigh and said,"Come to me again when you are ready to face me"and he walks off. He then turn back to take another look at me and said,"You will come before me one of these days though the Holy Spirit and will seek for my forgivness and you will want me to come into your life again to guide you as you walk though your life"He then turns and walk away.

After that, a few weeks later, Vincent bring me back to church and the week after that, I went down to the altar call and true enough, I did seek for his forgivness and accept Him back into my heart. When I close my eyes during the altar call and prayed along with the sinners, I "saw" Him sitting on his throne. He bend his head down to look at me and gave me a very big smile. I was sooooo tiny in that vision. He then gave me a look that said,"See? I told you that one day you will come to me and seek for my forgiveness". But my spiritual level was not so strong that time. I have alot of doubts and my life was in a terrible mess.

After that cell group meeting that Yue Ming had bring me to, I keep on thinking about what the brother said to me. Today at work, God spoke to me(or maybe it's my imagination). He said,"You thought that I was too busy for you? You thought that I have never notice the pain you go through each time you got hurt or suffered? You thought that when you backslide from church and walk away from me, I never notice you walking away from me while the rest came towards me? I was sitting here(his throne)all the time waiting for you to come to me to talk to me about your problems. I know what your fears and problems are but I just want you to pray and talk to me about it. But you didn't. Instead you keep them all inside your heart and suffered alone."and strangely, I cried for no reason. My tears just flow like that. Lucky, again no one saw. Somehow he is hinting me something which I am trying to figure it out what is his message.

After work, Adrian came and meet me to pass me the things he wanted to give me on my birthday. It was all Naruto things that I liked. He then offer to take my bag for me but I decline. I then showed him the photo I took of myself on Saturday and he said I look pretty in that picture. Haha! Very funny! Then I told him I am not free on the 23th Dec to 25th Dec so don't ask me out on that day. He then seems disappointed. He see me home after that.