I didn't sleep at all yesterday. From the time I start work(actually is after lunch time to be exact), I keep thinking about "Him" for the whole day yesterday. His face keeps on appearing on my mind. What is going on??? I tried very hard to ignore and keep myself busy but....my mind still flash his face and his eyes. I don't know why and I don't know what is going on?
During the night, I keep tossing and turning in my bed and I couldn't get to sleep. My mind keeps playing back some memories of him. Surprisingly, I am able to recall some of the events which I thought that I had forgotten. I cried.......in my mind, I keep thinking,"If only I had....if only I really really could turn back time". After a long time, and some memories suddenly jolt back to me, I finally realize something I had not realize then. He had told me the TRUTH all along but I had missed it. WHY?! Why didn't I believe him at that time.....? But it's all way too late now. Nothing can be done or undone, nothing can be change. Now, the only remaining wish I had, is for him to find his true and real happiness. A girl who can make him happy. A girl who can take over my place in his heart.
Throughout the years, I hear a lot of different version of stories about him and his life. Some times, I don't know who to believe and which of these version is true? Some said he went to jail(if it is true, he would be release by year 2011). Some said he had left the country. A few said he went to Thailand, some said he went back to Australia. His cousin told me that he attempted suicide - again because of me. My Mum told me that he was in a bar surrounded by a lot of girls(cos she hear girls giggling in the background of a noisy disco place). After hearing so many versions and I don't know which is true, I just cover my ears and let my tears flow.
There was a time, a group of Ah lians came to my ex-workplace. They were photo-taking and when I shout for them not to take photos, two of them glared at me and one of them whispered at the other's ear. Later, I hear one of them shout over her handphone,"Oei! Siao Eh! I think I have found Juliet" I do not know who is at the other line. Wendy and Ya Cin both stared at me but I deliberately ignored the Ah lians. But I suspected the person at the other line is..HIM. That was AFTER I had met him through Jacelyn. If only.........
If you happen to read this,(which I know he won't) and you know who you are, I just want to say,"I am sorry" I am sorry for not believing you then, I am sorry that I have let you down. I am sorry that I did not keep my promises to you, and lastly, I am sorry for making you what you are now. If there is something that I did owe you, please tell me. Lastly, I just want to say, remember the very FIRST poem that I have created for you and you said it was very mushy? I also wanted to tell you, somewhere between the lines, what I wrote there, it was from the bottom of my heart. Believe it or not, if one day I met you along the streets or anywhere, and you happen to be in trouble, the things I wrote in the poem, will come true. I know you will find me very ultra stupid for doing what I do but....I simply just owe you too much. Because of what I did, and because of what I said.
Of all the things you had ask me to promised you, I am sorry that I had failed. There is one and only promise which I had fulfilled. I had indeed found another guy...A guy who is really better than you(in person), a guy who truly loves me from the bottom of his heart, a guy who really takes care of me. If this is what you really want to see, I had fulfilled it. He has also met one of your most important principal in your life - He has never ever hit me, unlike my other Exs. I remembered your hokkien words until now,"Da Bo Pak Zha Bo Mm si Da Bo" That is what angered you the most and what you hated that most. He has never done that to me. But if one day...he did, don't blame me for being stupid again. This time, you can only find me above the stars or maybe in the sea(where I would like my ashes in future to be scattered at)
I am really going crazy soon...
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