Suicidal signs

Read one article from The Straits Times yesterday and I found something interesting. It is about recessions times and the number of suicidal deaths happen in that year and how many people really seek help from those so-called "help-lines". A suicidal expert(a person who studies suicidal deaths), Dr.Chia Boon Hock, Singapore's resident suicidologist has spent 40 years collecting and studying suicide data, notice that there have been four major suicide over the past 100 years in Singapore.

The article is actually about recessions in the past 3 decades and how many people took their lives in recessions:

1) During 1906 - 1910 Banker's Panic financial crisis, which he saw the suicide rate surge 71% to 11.3 per 100,000 people.

2)after the great depression from 1936 - 1940 when the toll swell to 15.8 per 100,000 people

3)from 1941 - 1945 during the Japanese Occupation. He saw 16 per 100,000 people ending their lives and lastly, 12.8 per 100,000 people per year. That translates about 400 deaths a year, or just one day.

After reading through all the article, it has one last article that I am very interested in. Surprisingly, I did not know that I am actually leaving signs for the people around me but yet they don't really care. Actually, I really don't have to courage to even to attempt suicide even though I done these things before:

1) VERBAL WARNINGS: These are given in almost half of all suicides. These consist of expressions that "life has no meaning", fatigue or bidding loved ones a final farewell. The young, sometimes issue verbal threats like: "if you do not love me, I will kill myself".

2) PRE-SUICIDE PLANNING: This is seen in about 10% of suicide cases. It involves tidying up one's affairs, such as finalising a will, leaving funeral instructions, sorting out finances, examining burial sites, studying the dimensions of the window they intend to jump from. Almost one-quarter of suicides here, usually the young, single and local-born, leave behind suicide notes. In some cases, they also send out text messages or make phone calls prior to the deed.

3) BEHAVIOURAL CHANGE: This is seen in only less than 5% of the cases. Changes include sudden calm or euphoria, excessive spending, generous gift-giving, sudden withdrawal, or a refusal to eat days to weeks before the event.

There are also help hotlines to call if you need someone to talk:
1. Sage Counselling Centre: 1800-555-5555

2. Care Corner Family Service Centre: 1800-222-0000
or 1800-353-5800(Chinese speaking)
3. Samaritans of Singapore: 1800-221-4444

After reading it through, I identify myself in No.1 and No.3. People around me will either tell me not to talk nonsense, slap me in my mouth after I said that or didn't notice at all(but that is because I act very well in front of them). But then again, I really don't have the courage to do it even though I do plan my suicide in advance since I was 14 years old. I have thought almost all methods to do the deed. But then I read certain books that says that if you commit suicide, it doesn't end there. Your flesh may have died but your spirit will continue repeat the suicide even after your death for decades! Imagine after you die, your spirits still repeat the death incident over and over again non-stop, and the pain that comes along with it. It cannot go to Heaven neither can it go to Hell. It just keeps repeating it over and over again until God knows when.

The No.3, I only identify myself on 3 behaviour changes,
1) Excessive spending - Your wealth and money won't follow you after you die. So, why bother to save when you already plan your suicide planning? This is the me in the past and now.

2)Generous Gift-giving - Ask Esther Ho about this and you'll know what I mean. Every year when she comes to my house and saw some CDs she like, I ask her to take it. Or anything that she like, I freely give her. Usually is because I no longer listening to the CDs or I don't need those things. Or than that, I have ever thought, these things won't go with me when I leave the world so might as well give it to others who are in need.

3) Sudden withdrawal - Those who are smart enough to notice me, will notice that I am way quieter than usual and will probe me questions. I feel that this is the hardest part my friends or people around me can identify cos I am quiet in nature and at most times, I don't even talk at all. I do prefer to listen to others or listen to people's conversation even though I may seem quiet. I admire certain of my friends, they seems to know how to read my face to know that I am not normal even though they know I am a quiet person.

After reading this, if you identify some signs that you have seen in yourself or your friends. It's time to do something about it before it's too late. Suicides don't happen overnight. It is best if you are very close with that friend and you are a very observant person. If you notice any behaviour changes, it's better to talk it out with that person before it's too late. Although I have identify myself, but don't worry. Like I said, I don't have the courage to do it. So don't worry about me.

I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

To Liyi: Really thanks for your encouragement, concern and letter in my facebook. :) Really happy to have a friend like you. Please don't walk the path that I have walk and don't think like me. You have your Mum to take care of and apple and some of your friends who really loves you, including me. Let's hang out again some other time.

Suicidal thoughts....

I am not feeling well these days. As in, mentally not well. The other time I tried to talk to BaoBei, but at that point of time, I forgot what I want to tell him. Even if I did, chances of him NOT listening to what I have to say, will be very high. So...what's the point of talking then? Now, my dictionary does not have this word,"Communication" anymore.

During one time, BaoBei suddenly blurted out,"Haiz..no money"(or something like that) That word angered me a lot!!! Part of it is because he is willing to continue working in his father's business, earning $300 a month(in the beginning) I feel that Xiao Pang pay more better than his Dad lor! Some more, BaoBei has not get his release letter from his previous employment so by right he is not suppose to work. But since his Boss verbally tell him that he is offically being release, then I hope that he could look for a better job. But then again, in BaoBei's previous contract, it is stated that it must be a written release letter. I think BaoBei doesn't know the law well. He could be charge! He doesn't even bother to argue for the release letter back!!! He just sit around and wait and wait...!!! Although I may seem like I am earning more than BaoBei, but I have my own debts to pay off and could hardly survive. I am seriously thinking of taking another job to supplement my current income but that would mean I get lesser sleep and lesser time.

Although I know I could never find another guy like BaoBei. But seriously, I think being single is still the best after all. Less headaches! BaoBei now no longer listens to anything I want to say or have to say. There are many many times I feel like giving up totally. Giving up my life. Nowadays I keep thinking of suicidal thoughts. Money is always the main reason of why we keep arguing. I no longer know what am I doing, I no longer know who am I and what am I living for anymore. There are times I feel like going back to my own self once again. Being alone and in my own world. At least it'll be better than the things I am facing now.

Recently I keep dreaming of my ex-boyfriend and some other strange dreams that I couldn't explain. I also heard some of my friends that the end of the world is coming very soon! In 21st December 2012. Jesus has already recarrianted into this world as human but we don't know who is He. BaoBei said if this was to be real, I just have to bear 3 more years.

Wouldn't it be better if I am dead??? Nothing to stress about. Nothing to argue about, don't need to care about anything and everything...

$%$#%#^$^%#$^#$^#$

Anyway I just blog to vent anger..can don't read if you don't like it.

Nowadays I hate my handphone a lot!!!! Cos it's china-made hp, worst of all, NO DICTIONARY!!! Never mind..it's just a temporary phone. I am aiming my next target anyway - Nokia 6600 Slide phone..yeh! But then must save along the way. BaoBei says wait till my contract ends, which is around late November. So..no choice but to wait lor.

I am seriously feeling easily irritated these 3 days cos my phone keep ringing non-stop!!!! As in, SMSes and CALLS keep coming in. Making me feel very busy. I used to love this kinda "busyness" during my secondary school daze but not now! Or maybe is my PMS problem that I feel irritated?

Tell you a secret, I have not been going to church for the past 6 mths(according to Lorraine). Somehow, I feel a lot more happier and "lighter" on the inside. Cos whenever I was in church, Lorraine always emphasis on "Friends, friends, friends, attendance, members' thingy etc" all the stuffs that makes you almost out of breathe. There's one time, I got really angry about this,

I was suppose to be in charger TOGETHER WITH JASLYN about the prayer timing and prayer list. At first, Jaslyn collect the timing and I collect the prayers. Then in the end I don't know what happened, she made me do it ALTOGETHER! Nevermind....after that I chased members for their prayer list on every Monday and ask them to submit to me by Thurs night. U know who reply then? I can count and even give u the names:!

1) BaoBei
2)Huiyi
3)Samuel
4)Ai Zhen
5)WenTing(only give me when I chase her the last minute)

that is all. During that time, member are SIXTEEN no.! And u see who are the ones who only gave me? I have been doing that for don't know how long and when I got fed up, I pass my assignments to BaoBei and he did it ON MY BEHALF...but you know what is the result? ALL of the member NB reply him TOGETHER!!!! I told Lorraine since that's the case I give up and hand all my work to YH, who is at that point of time serving NS! CB! Everyone reply him when he only sent ONE time! Me leh!?

Never mind. That's the past. After staying in church and CG for some time, I found myself can't adapt to the CG. Probably because I have difficulty inviting friends and saving souls. Li Yi wanted to come back to church at one point of time but I discourage her. You guys might feel strange why I discourage her? I ask u, if you stay in a place for a period of time, and you feel nothing but stress, would you invite your friend to join you? Worst of all, Lorraine always strongly wants us to invite friends. I get stress by that everytime. It's not that I am black hearted not wanting her to get saved. But......I have my own reasons why I don't want to bring her to church. But I told her if she really want to go, I will accompany her all the way. Though my heart is not there. I love God...it's just that I couldn't do the things everyone can. I am different in expressing myself. That's all.

Okay, enough of my renting. The last time I remember my phone was that busy was when I was in church and secondary school. Now I am no longer there but my phone is making me crazy!!! There are times when I wish I could throw my phone into a water! Spoil, spoil lor..$158 only mah! Some more it's not BaoBei's phone or the phone he gave me. You might think,"wah lau! $158 hp also phone mah!" ya lah..but then my hp that I bought is super lousy lor!

SMS no dictionary, calling, the tone also have problem, then camera is not very clear(though it's 5 megapixal) then have a lot more problems then I had imagine. No matter how poor you are, no matter how much you need a hand phone badly, one advice I can give you all:

DON'T BUY CHINA HAND PHONE!!! SI BEH LOUSY!!!!!!

Anyway I just blog to vent anger..can don't read if you don't like it.