What is happening?

Ever since changed new supervisor, things has been quite okay. Less stress and lesser burdens. My tolerance has finally paid off! Hopefully things can continue to go smoothly.

I don't know what is wrong with my legs recently. It seems that they no longer can support me anymore. There was once I fell from my workplace staircase because my left leg suddenly went weak. All the customers there look at me stunned. I cannot sit for too long cos one thing will happen, when I stand up(esp after sitting down for a long time), my feet will hurt a lot. Every step I take are very painful to me. The kinda pain I don't know how to describe. I am afraid one day I might have to sit on wheel chair permanently. Cos my legs are really very weak to the point that I cannot sit down for too long. If not when I try to walk, I will feel a kinda pain rush through the legs. I don't know is it the bones problem or the veins problem. It has been like this for a month now.

I am very happy for Esther that she has finally found her love of her life. But I am still worried as the guy used to be my ex-bf's friend. I do not really trust him. I guess I have difficulty trusting anyone at all, ever since some unpleasant things happened.

Ransack through my cupboard and again I saw some things that brings back old memories. Saw "His" mobile no. on one of my old phone book. I suddenly remembered something: He only gave me one of the no. and strangely that particular no. he gave me, his hp is mostly not switch on. The other no. was given to me by Jacelyn. But...it has all become memories now. He has now married to a Cheena girl and live very happy with his own family. While I seems to have only memories of him when he was 15 yrs old. I don't like the "him" when he grew up. Probably one of the reason is because we have been apart for like...3 yrs? Before he came back to look for me. I feel that he has changed. To another person whom I do not know and could no longer catch up with him. *Sigh* He belongs to the upper-class. I am the lower-class. So by right, we don't even match. Much less to be together. But I treasured the memories he left for me. At least he did show me how is true love like. Which I couldn't find the same pure love later on in life.

Delivery for these two days are very "siong". Candy asked me about my boyfriend during lunch. I told her how we met, to how we manage to get together in the first place. She said BaoBei was very romantic!(Ya, at first very romantic. Now old husband old wife so no longer romantic!) I told Ping this and she was surprise,"Eh?! Never hear you mention how you met your boyfriend before leh!" -.-" HELLO?! I have told you before lor! Long time ago...er...2 years ago I told you before???

Feeling very down these days. Went drinking yesterday cos of my work. But I didn't drink much. NB! Only 7% and I am tipsy..oh! Ate a Brandy chocolate before that. Almost cannot walk back home -.-" 7% only + Brandy nia!!!

BaoBei changed these few days. He use his nails to poke my arm WHEN HE HEARD THE PAST OF ME AND VINCENT. I don't even know that he dislike Vincent so much, HELLO, we are only GOD SISTER and GOD BROTHER RELATIONSHIP!! BaoBei:" He's not so innocent as you know ok!!" But thinking back, I sometime really did something to hurt him. Not sometimes, is all the times. I'll put all my anger on him, I slap him infront of his relatives when I fell down and I even scream at him when I'm not happy. But all of this, he still love me as usual. ^.^

BaoBei lost his iphone yesterday, 2 November 2010. He don't know where he lost it at. Worst! His iphone account is registered under my name! Bought a red and white rebel serpent casing and we both swap it together, and he lost it like that!

Now I am worried cos his phone iTunes account is registered under my card! I am very worried that my money will be misuse somehow. He is not at least bit of worried except for the contacts on his phone! Of course lah! The card money is not his!

I am having mix feelings about this now. I don't know whether should I cancel my card for this? There are also some important information inside his handphone. Since his phone is so striking, I wonder how the hell did he lose it and NOT seeing it properly and not checking it properly!? The person who picks up the phone is not very honest in returning the phone. I doubt he or she would want to return it at all. Am so devastated!

Emotions

There are times I really wish to give up on everything and just leave this stupid chaotic world.
Last month, a so-called "new colleague" join my workplace. Ever since he's here, he either intentionally or un-intentionally create a lot of troubles for me. Whatever I do, he will always put pressure on me by saying,"If you are not happy working here then I'll let Albert know" Albert is our top Executive Chef. I am not happy with the way he handle things. Just because his IQ is smarter than me so he can bully me? I just have to tolerate but for how long more? I do not know

Not many people can be trusted nowadays. Especially your colleagues! I realize the more closer your relationship with people, the more you can't put your trust in them cos you'll never know when will they ever betray or at least gossip about you behind your back. That is what it is happening to me at my workplace.

The other day when we went to the newly opened Universal Studio, Belvin didn't even greet BaoBei. He told me yesterday that BaoBei is a kinda useless guy who isn't worth to be greeted. Just because he knows certain things of my secrets that spread from Jing, he look down on BaoBei. Others who know began to follow suit.

I admit that most of the time I am unhappy with BaoBei. I just don't know how to express my thinking and unhappiness to him anymore. So I keep quiet about it. Actually I am thinking of breaking up more than three times in these 3 years. I am afraid that one day if I couldn't take it anymore I will just leave without a word.

Suicidal thoughts have been crossing my mind too. But I know I will not attempt any of it for now cos of my parents. But I still do not know how long I could endure all the pent up stress and unhappiness in my life. I do not know what exactly do I want anymore.

Will end here for now. Continue some other time

T.T

我的结果总是胜不过我的负出。为什么有些人就能轻轻松松拿到

加薪？ 为什么我做的东西比他们辛苦，做了很多人不喜欢做的

事，却得不到一点加薪的机会？！还是不管我怎么做，都不会得

到我所要的结果？

最近很多事发生。我以经没有力气去处里。既然我在人们的眼中

是那么讨人厌，为何老天还要把我留在人间？为何不让我早点离

开人世？！我觉得人生活的很累！！！ 没有任何意议! 不知到我

还活来做什么！？ 孝顺父母吗？ 可是我没有一个很高的收入，

没有什么可以让他们感到缴傲的事。怎么孝顺他们？！还好我弟

弟不像我。至少他比我还有出熄多了。Chuen, 如果你看到这

个，不要跟Papa, Mama 讲。我不想让他们担心。由其是

Mama。

我很难和人沟通。有很多事情，讲了也是这样。不讲也是这样。

我很累。有些事我以经尽力了。事情不能改变我也不免强了。反

正讲跟没讲，到头来都没两样。算了..我放弃了。 有很多次我很

想放弃我的感情。 因为我找不回“初钟”的感觉。一切都变成

很routine. 我觉得“外遇”是迟早会发生的事。如果真的发生，

他要离开的话，我会让他走。因为我要的“初钟”，他已经不能

给我了。我所为的“简单爱”他以经做不到了。爱一个人真的很

辛苦！被爱？如果爱变的很routine, 那不是我要的爱！

可能是在一起太久。他觉得反正都追到我了，有很多事可以不用那么在呼

或努力了。也可能是我自己不知到我到底要的是什么。终而言

姿，我觉得很累了。很想好好的“休息”

我写到这里。下次在update.

Sad

Maybe I have never been a good friend. Or maybe I am the kinda person who is not part of anyone's friends list at all. Sometimes I think I do not know what friendship really is and what it really means. That is why people often take advantage of my weak points(if they knew).

View someone's blog and I am very sad at her recent entry. After something happened, which I hear from Ivan's side of the story, I did call her and SMS her to try to ask her for her side of the story. But from his mouth of what that other person said, I know those words can't be from that "someone's" mouth as I know she isn't that kinda person to say such words! I believe her even before I get to hear her side. Since she does not wish to reveal, I won't force. It's okay. It's her life anyway. What upsets me is what she wrote in her recent entry abt friends. Okay fine...since I am nothing in your eyes, I will stay "Nothing" from now on.

Now I finally understand why you didn't look for me or even SMS me. Your excuse says that you are afraid of disturbing me or that afraid to bother me. At first I didn't understand why but still I told you if you need someone you can call or SMS me anytime. I will be there for you and I meant my every word. Now I finally understand, those "excuse" of yours, simply mean I am not one of your friends in your eyes after all. Is okay. Just give me some time to digest all these. I will be fine. That bitch already disappoint me greatly by her misunderstandings and her words. I thought you would be different. But...I guess I was wrong. Maybe you don't mean what you type but somehow, I know from your blog where I stand in your "friendship".

Things at work and friends started to have problems. I am very upset but I just don't know how to express any emotions anymore. Workplace colleague take advantage of my kindness and started to "bully" me, an extremely long-time friend of mine promise me something but end up taking back her words after receiving what she want. Is that what F.R.I.E.N.D.S meant? Seriously I don't know what is happening and I don't wish to know anymore. Even BaoBei started to be cold towards me during weekdays. All these isn't what I want. But I know it's useless.

I am envious and jealous of others having NORMAL BGR relationship. They have sensitive boyfriends, have boyfriends who would call them on the dot every night, have boyfriends who would give surprise visits or accompany them to walk around town after work. For me? I have a boyfriend who don't call. Sometimes don't SMS. Lazy to walk around town cos he don't like crowded place. And I have to be the one who do all the work - Go to his place every weekends cos he don't like to come to my place(Yes, call me cheap if you want), I have long ago given up on this relationship that I don't know what am I staying for or holding onto except the fact that he don't accept BREAK UP for a reason. I don't understand how come every of my relationships turns out this way. Is it my fault after all? That I don't know what relationship is and I don't know how to love someone and don't have a boyfriend who is sensitive enough to all my needs?

I am seriously tired. To that someone if you happen to see this and know who you are: I am not blaming you or what. Just that I am extremely disappointed that I am not your friend after all. No wonder you don't call me, don't pick up my calls and don't SMS me or ask me to go out with you. It's okay. I will leave you alone from now on. I won't bother you ever again. If that is what you want.

I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Seoul Garden buffet

Ever since BaoBei passed his driving licence, there's been both joy and headache for me. The joy? Happy lah! Cos can sit in his car and look at the scenery pass me by. The headache? He always ask me to suggest places for him to drive to. Some times when the places I suggest, either he doesn't know how to go or he said it's too far -_-"

He went to pay respects to his ancestors and call me to think of place to go for lunch. I then surf this website: hungrygowhere.com and anyhow type "steamboat". Hoping to find something else out. But then...the computer only shows you a list of restaurant of what you type. You also can view comments leave by diners about the place, service, ambiance etc whatever you want before you visit a place to eat. Not bad for a site! But the bad thing about it is, if you happened to browse the restaurant that has since closed down, it won't shows up. Unless some kind-hearted souls is kind enough to placed a warning sign or something. That happened to BaoBei and me while we browse a particular Japanese Ramen restaurant, only to rush there and greeted by surprise - The shop no longer operated there. KNS! Some people just don't know how to update things! BaoBei then uses his Iphone to check the last entry date of the last person commented. It was dated as far as 2004 -_-"

Went to Seoul garden @ Marina Square. The food was superb!!! Especially the black pepper beef! Sluuurrrp! Yummy! The chickens are also marinated well! Overall, for food wise, maybe say out of 5 stars I will give 4-and-a-half stars. Worth to give it a try! If you are vegetarian or non-meat fancy eater, you can try the vegetables there. There's a number of variety you can choose. Though the variety may not be much more like what Sakura has. Maybe you'll ask me,"Eh? Then the other half star leh?" Erm....it fail at the oyster section. Maybe it's because I choose the wrong oyster to eat. But I don't like the overall taste! It has a kinda sea taste. I don't know how to exactly describe. It's like the oyster when you try to eat the meat(even if it is cooked) you can taste a kinda sea-water taste there. End up I didn't eat the oysters that I took. Oh! One thing I have to caution you though, they charge $5 for every 100gm of food you wasted. So....erm...unless you are damn rich and don't mind paying for wastages, then you can go ahead and waste all you want.

It also has free flow of drinks(Milo, Pepsi, Pepsi-light, root beer, H2o etc) and coffee. I heard from BaoBei that the coffee is already sweeten even without sugar? Hmm? I don't know how true is that? But the machine indicate that there's no sugar in the coffee so I poured 2 packets of sugar into my Ice coffee. Haha! But end up errr....too sweet!

Before we step into the restaurant to eat, already there are one group of Japanese tourist rushing in. Is ok, never mind. Then just before we enter, another tour group of Koreans rush in. Never mind. We still manage to get a table. The annoying part I experience is this: I stood up to go to the buffet counter to pick the food out. The moment when I open this big pot(I knew beforehand that there's RICE inside the pot) this group of idiot Koreans old men rushing towards me & one of them even shove me aside to grab the rice! KNS! I stared at them for awhile and I mumbered loudly in Mandarin,"妈的！没有吃过饭是吗？！" I then walk off and pick out other foods from other sections. Luckily I manage to scoop out a handful of rice. After that I complaint to BaoBei. He said that Koreans men generally love to eat rice. While the women, most likely wanted to maintain their figure, will opt for salad or vegetables instead.

I then observe that station for a while and I notice this though out the period we eat there: From the moment I open the rice pot, people flood there like crazy just to get the rice(esp the tourist). After that when BaoBei closes the lid, the flow of the people there almost disappeared. I was wondering,"Don't people bother or even curious to go open the big pot(except me) to see what is it?" Or maybe they don't know there's rice? There's also mee siam and some Malay and Indonesian cuisines there too but not much. The buffet timing and prices varies from different timing, so be sure to check online of if you have any other means to check whether if you are okay with the price for that particular timing? For me I paid around $50+(I forgot the exact amount but around $52?)for 2 persons. Not bad. Maybe can bring Li Yi there to eat or even organize SL outing there? It'll be fun!

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Lunch with colleagues

Attended company's annual lunch buffet. It was great catching up with some colleagues. Most of them were shock of my dressing - a light blue flowered dress. Some even make fun of me but it's okay. I am fat or so I admit. Played Ban Luck but I lost $20 in the game. Cos I bet heavily, so I lost heavily too.

WeiTing help me put make up on. It really looks great! She sure does know how to make up but BaoBei complaint that the make-up is too heavy for me. But it's okay. I almost can't recognise myself with that make up. Maybe I should put on more eyeliner. WeiTing said I look more matured with make-up on.

Went for dinner with BaoBei at a Japanese restaurant, ichiban tei, at Robinson Quay. The food was super delicious and the service was excellent! Will recommend my friends there. Yvonne keep SMS me to go pubbing these few days. I wonder what happened? Or she just simply wanna have fun? Went to East Coast Park with BaoBei to relax. I was unhappy that I paid for all the expenses today! >:(

Nothing much to update. So I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

BaoBei's passed his driving lesson + Steamboat

Baobei passed his driving lesson only the day before. He drive me to our steamboat meeting with Kakis at Bugis. I was very happy to see some kakis there and we ate a lot of food. The only regret I had was I took a plate of vegetables for Ariel but end up she didn't eat the food. So much food was being wasted. It was also Taily's Birthday yesterday! Celebrate her birthday with a special chocolate cake. The base of the chocolate cake taste like Ferraro Roche!

Went to Xiao Phang's place later for the New Year. I heard from BaoBei that we are not suppose to open our Ang Baos during the Chinese New Year, as the Ang Baos are meant to ward off any bad luck for the entire year. But I have already open most of my Ang Baos.

Went to Vivocity with WeiDa and Lily, the view was great but I had upset tummy. I think it could be the food that I ate during the steamboat. On the way back home, BaoBei listens to 93.3FM but strangely, all songs at that point of time are all very emo. Like breaking up, being apart, a love that cannot be fulfilled due to circumstances. I feel that it talks about me a lot. I then dwell on my past memories but I hold back my tears. A lot of regrets but what else can I do? But seeing him happy with his wife, is enough for me.

The other day, I dreamt of him being kidnapped with his wife and daughter(the daughter seems to grow up) He was trying very hard to protect his wife. Seeing that picture, my heart felt painful but at the same time I am happy for him. At least, this time, he is really very happy with someone else. Some things just can't be forced. I accept fate as the way it is.

I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Sometimes, time doesn't heal all wounds. It may fade certain memories or heal certain wounds. But the wound from the heart, can never be healed. Even if it is, there will always be a scar or broken pieces of it remains.

Lunar New Year

Was suppose to be a extremely Happy New Year yesterday. But guess what?! My Mum quarrel with me about BaoBei. Apparently, she is not happy with me keep going over to BaoBei's place to stay over every weekend, and says that BaoBei is quite disrespectful towards her plus some other stuffs. In my fit of anger, I shout at her in front of don't know how many people,"Last time, I used to date Colin!!! Who is, IN MY EYES, A very rich guy that you've ever wanted!!! In the end, WHAT HAPPENED?!" She then told me this,"I did not say that I don't like Colin okay!? But the way he treat you?! He promised me he'll never bully you! In the end?! He left without a word and you cry so bad for him!!! If this is not bully, then tell me what is?!" My brother, as usual the peace-maker, try to interrupt our quarrel,"Oei! Today 大年初一can both of you don't quarrel? Not good leh" I cried on the way to Dua Gu's place, and my Mum order me not to cry! 妈的！You tell me how NOT to cry?! KNS!!!! Bo dua Bo ji bring this topic up?! No mood to celebrate the New Year anymore as you can guess. This year Ang Bao more lesser than last year. But overall I still feel happy cos this year, surprisingly, Boss gave me $158 Ang Bao money. But -$600 half month salary -_-"

Today is 年初二but I've long ago done with me visiting and rot at home. Vicente aka Vincent surprisingly ask me am I free today? But he didn't reply me in the end. Well, is ok. Esther ask me out too. But I really don't have the mood to go out. Plus, there are not many shops open on this day. So I decided to stay at home and play viwawa(http://www.viwawa.com)

Talk to Nicole about my problems. Strange for me to pour out my problems to her every time we chat online. I think I really need to control myself not to pour out my problems to her every time I see her. Cos I feel very bad lah.

Went to BaoBei's place to pack ALL my things due to what my Mum said. Took a taxi home and the cab fare cost $11.40(I gave the taxi driver $11.50 & ask him to keep the change) Before that I feed Vivi. She seems to be straving! Nobody feed her?! I think I need some time to cool things off but I don't know how to tell BaoBei. He doesn't allow me to pack my things home which I don't know why. When I pack today, I realize that I have a lot of clothes at his place -_-"

I didn't even left a note to tell him. I guess he will try to call me when he is back? But I don't wish to answer his calls. I don't know how to tell him what I am thinking. I feel very pressured being together with him cos I feel that it is as if I am doing everything and he is doing nothing. As a result, I am always the one who gets scolded either by his Mum or my Mum.

During the New Year, one of my long time cousin whom I had not seems for years, suddenly appear. Never mind. His arrogant wife, ask me what I am doing? I replied,"BOC building, as counter crew" She just replied a "Oh" and look at me with the kinda eyes, that people use to see/look at other people when they look down on people that kinda eyes. If you know what I am trying to say? I ask her what she is working as? She only replied(rudely),"Office" I ask,"Admin?" She just shake her head and refuse to reply me her position. My Mum said,"See lah! Ask you to study you don't want. People will look down on you. Aiyah..since she just said office and refuse to reveal her position, she also confirm those low office girl position lah" The most I can think of, she maybe is just an accountant. That is the 2nd "highest" besides Admin Assistant. I don't want to work in office anymore because I can't take the politics. But then, people says that everywhere you go, it's the same. There are bond to be office politics even in sales, retail etc. That's life. Just got to deal with it. Seriously, I do not know what to do with my life. I just wish to end it all after I paid my debts and settle everything in my life and ready to go, I will go by myself. But I will save money for my own coffin fees(Which I heard about $4000 - $8000 or more) depending on the ritual and whether you want burial or ash. BaoBei of course not very happy every time I mention this. He doesn't understand, I really don't wish to live anymore. I think I have depression but I am not sure. I also don't want to see psychologist. The fees very high. Just feel that life is just day in and day out. Useless. Just a routine. Nothing special about it. Also, partly because of BaoBei, I am always not happy. I am not saying that he made me unhappy. But it's the things that I have to shoulder on. Which I don't know how to explain to him and I guess he will never understand. Because he earns even lower pay than me, this makes things extremely tiring and much more difficult burden to my life. My life burden, is much more heavier than my already heavy bag I have to carry everyday. If even simple things(NORMAL relationship bf/gf will do everyday) I have to open my mouth to ASK from him, I have already know my stand in the relationship.

On the surface, I may seem like I live well. But in fact, I am not. I have my own problems which I guess people will never understand. I do things in a way that is very different from normal people. Ya, you can say I am abnormal. I am abnormal from the very beginning of my life. Some times I think I have enough and wish to go. But I have things to settle first.

Will end here first. I have already warn you(whoever you are and reading this), my entry will be very bleak. You can don't read if you want. This is just a place for me to rant everything out.

Too many things to update

I don't know where to start. I realize I only blog once in a blue moon. But it's okay since no one reads my blog anyway. Work for BaoBei at expo during Last year's Christmas right until end of the year. Went to watch fireworks with WeiDa and Lily. The fireworks were very beautiful! But too bad I do not have any camera device to capture it.

Bought some clothes on my own for Chinese New Year. Manage to finally found the shoes that I have been eyeing for a long time at Expo. As for clothes, Lilian help me choose some cheap clothes but then I still think I need new clothes. Will be going to Thailand on 19 - 22 March. Leave was semi-approve but I am afraid that it will change the last minute. Recently Nazmi been quarrelling with me about my leave and my way of doing things. Seriously sometimes I don't know what he is angry about? I am marely asking something. He keep saying things like,"You think you are manager?"

It's the start of a brand New Year but strangely, I don't look forward to life like others do anymore. Cos I feel humans are just a cycle of life:
You were born into this world -> Learn to crawl -> learn to walk -> learn to run -> learn to speak -> learn things in school -> Get a job -> Find a mate/partner -> Get married(if you are lucky) -> Give birth to Children and the cycle goes on. To me, this is very boring. Nothing much to look forward in life anymore. To me, life has no purpose. I have no talents to talk about, I don't know what is my passion, unlike some people who live for the sake of passion on something. So, in short to say, I don't know what am I living for anymore. Facing never-ending same problems everyday and every year. I really wish to end it all.

BaoBei doesn't seems to understand me like I thought he did. All I ask are simple caring ways. An SMS per day, a phone call every night. Is that too much? But nowadays he DID improve. At least he does FB me or MSN me when he is online and will try to call me every now and then. If not I am going crazy and will most probably end the relationship as fast as a speeding car. There are actually more things I wish I could ask from him but...the basics are just enough to content me for now.

I will end here now. Most likely from now all my entries will be very bleak. So..if you don't like it, can stop reading it from now on. Wishing you an advance Happy Chinese New Year 2010!