Backslide?

Didn't went for service on Saturday cos BaoBei ask me to wait for him till he return. He did said,"If you want to go then is also okay but please be back by 10pm" in the end, I still didn't go. Cos WeiDa ask to meet both of us last minute at 6pm. Went to Far East Plaza to meet them. Most of the time, I really dread meeting BaoBei's friends. Cos the conversations they talk about, I don't click. They are ex-secondary school mates so they have a lot in common to talk about: School, ex-teachers, ex-principals even gossipping about ex-schoolmates and classmates like who's getting married or who's already married with kids etc(Only 22 or younger!) I feel very left-out just because I am not from DSS.

We went to have dinner at a Japanese restaurant. The thing I hate most going out with them is the expenses. Cos they dine and drink at expensive restaurants or cafes. WeiDa then lecture me about saving for the future. It's really very difficult. I had discuss with BaoBei before if we ever were to get married(don't know will we last till then?), I just wish to go to ROM to sign documents that's all. No grand wedding for us, and I want our marriage to be a quiet one. Although that is not my initial plan and not even my dream wedding. My dream wedding was to held in a catholic church kind. Invite some close friends that's all. While BaoBei's initial plan was to held in a grand restaurant with his Singapore side + Malaysia side friends and relatives plus my friends and relatives. But then, WeiDa said that if we don't have 10K, we can forget about marriage. I have discuss with BaoBei before that if we really don't have the money to get married then I just move in with him and then have kids with him etc, without a proper wedding and needless to say, without marriage cert. BaoBei was very angry about it. Cos to me, marriage cert is just a certification that a couple is an official married couple in the law. A wedding banquet only telling the whole world(almost..) that you're married with someone. All these consist of lots of money...-_-"

Went to TCC coffee connoisseur to chill. I ordered a $6.90 coffee. The name was "Perfect match" while the rest ordered cold coffees. Read some interesting facts about coffee! Wow! I never knew Coffee can reduce the risk of liver cancer! Hey! Those hardcore clubbers and especially drinkers out there! Check this out! It says,"Studies have shown that drinking one or more cups of coffee a day may help to lower the risk of getting liver cancer by over 40%!" So, if you are clubbing too much and have hang over the next day, try drinking hot coffee may help. Haha! Anyway, whether is it true or not it's up to you to find out + some other facts about coffees. Check out those facts at TCC!

Lorraine called me today and spoke to me. She says that if I wanted to go out I can tell her so but....will she allow? She said that I seems to have excuses for not turning up on Saturday, e.g: Fever lah(which I really did!) and my attendance in church is not very consistent. WenKai also wish to talk to me. Chiam! Some time ago, she ask what is it that I really want? Seriously, what if I don't know? BaoBei complain that I hide my problems from him and don't tell him. I don't know how to tell him. After that...I don't know how...I just blurt out all the frustrations that built inside me for so long! CG lah, Prayer list lah, that I feel very tired and frustrated about some of the members. But I know in the end, I am the one who is at fault. I didn't do my duty as a Prayer warrior well. By the way, if I remembered correctly, Prayer warrior should be two persons! Me and Jaslyn! Jaslyn use to do all at first cos there was a problem with my computer that time with no window words. Now I so-called "have" it, she threw all the work to me. At first I don't mind but now thinking back, during that time, she arrange with me this way, She collects prayer request while I collect prayer timing. But now, she didn't do anything at all while I collect both! And when I can't produce the prayer request, Lorraine will come after me only! Ok..take it as it's my fault. Sorry.

As for queuing up, initially was BaoBei, Samuel, Chee Yuan and some other guys whom I forgot. I really admire Chee Yuan that he has been faithfully queuing up no matter rain or shine all these months without complain.(I think I forgot to Thank Chee Yuan for it) BaoBei's book out timing is not very consistent then and couldn't really make it in time to queue up. In the end, sometimes I had to queue with BaoBei. But ultimately the credit still goes to Chee Yuan lah. Cos he has been very faithful. Chee Yuan, I know you never get to read my blog but still, Thank you for queuing up for us and thank you for all the trouble to book seats for us. Sometimes, I saw ushers "bullying" Chee Yuan trying to "snatch" the seats. e.g:"Are your members coming yet? ok..5 more minutes they are not here then can you please give up your seats for those who are here? Thanks!" Something like that. I saw Chee Yuan trying to keep his cool(or is it that he try not to raise his voice?) to the ushers. He also try very hard to "fight" for the seats for us. Yet, the other time, Lorraine said,"Who ever thank Chee Yuan for booking the seats?" I feel guilty. I never once thank him.

Continue venting my complains to BaoBei. He said,"You say you don't know how to say? You said you don't know how to express? Now you vent all your frustrations out already lor" BaoBei said ever since I work in my current job, he has never seen me smile or live happily. After months goes by, he sees the danger in me - depression. He said actually I have already broken down but no one knows. Did I? I don't even know. I just know that I am really tired from my work, prayer list and church commitment. I think I need a break. For how long? I don't know? He was shock to hear me saying all sorts of things which I never mention it to him before. As in, I am usually behaving normally and then will suddenly erupt my problems and tensions that has built up in my heart for a very long time. When I told him that I don't know how to share with him anymore, he seems upset.

I don't know what is my own decision. This coming Saturday Lorraine wants to talk to BaoBei and me together with Bro.Wen Khai. Chiam! Somehow I had a feeling things are going to be messy and bad. That is all.

Will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Police report made + Do u have to shout at me like that?

Went to work and saw Lynn(The cleaner's name). She ask how am I feeling and whether I am going to make a police report? I said,"Ya, will be going to report tomorrow" She wish me luck,"Let me know what happens. Keep me updated. Meanwhile, I will still continue to ask around for you. Don't be sad okay?"

Stupid Boss! Anything I do today he seems to be so angry! My mood for the day was spoil by his words! I became agitated enough that I really feel like punching him on the face! Jaslyn once share with me that whenever Derek is angry with Boss, he would excuse himself by saying,"I'm going to the washroom" and then disappear for 5 minutes. But, once I am angry about something, it takes me more than 5 minutes to cool myself down! Luckily it was going to be lunch time soon. I then slip out without informing him. Too angry to talk to him! I know that if I don't go out, one more stupid accusation that he says and one more word about the lost of handphone that he mentions it again, I really gonna scream! Derek has never seen me show my anger before, I pray that there won't be a day where he sees it.

After lunch, he was gone. He then came back around 5pm. Good! But then at the same time, he detain me! Just because of the stupid stocks! Rush to CGM but I don't have the mood to pray. I also don't know what to pray for? After CG dismissal, I then discuss BaoBei about reporting the hp lost and he says,"Never mind" I then share with him that, on Thursday, I heard a familiar ringtone,"Wei Yi Se Chai" that ringtone is from a movie "ParaPara Sakura" starred by Aaron Kwok! Who would download such a old song!? Then, just today, I heard another ringtone also in BaoBei's hp,"Beautiful girl" the latest song! Just by the latest song alone, I cannot confirm that the phone is his, but....how abt by old songs? The hp that is lost, is mostly old chinese songs. English songs? Only have two. "Beautiful girl" and "fuck her gently" IF! By chance, I ever hear the "Fuck her gently" song, I can really definitely confirm that hp is still around cos no one else in the office has that song! And if the person is stupid enough to play any of the old Chinese song that is in the hp, I can definitely confront that person! Lorraine then shout at me,"Hey! Enough okay?!" I don't know whether she deliberately saying that to hurt me or she just say it out of anger? Try losing something sentimental and then tell me how you feel? Yes. although it's just hp that money can buy. But the phone is given to me by BaoBei! BaoBei is planning to buy a new N73(2nd hand) for me but I don't want! BaoBei's face then change. He decided to go with me to the police station in the end..but angrily.

We reported the incident but I feel that the help is very minial. Even with the serial number, if the person wish to sell the hp and the hp shop found out that it's a stolen hp, they will just reject that's all. So the chance of getting it back is close to impossible. There are a few who were also waiting to report to police

1) Complain of "missing" person. Why I said "missing" is because the parents knew where their daughter is but they can't get her back home. If their daughter ever knew that her parents know where she is, she will run away again.

2)Rape case - A Caucasian girl top and hair was very "messy" and she was very teary eyes. She look quite young. About 14. A pink towel was then wrap around her top as she speak to a female police officer. At first I don't know what is wrong with her except that she keep on crying. BaoBei says he overheard that she has been rape, and lost her "v". Poor girl. A Chinese girl was with her, about 20+. She stoke the caucasian girl's back.

Went home after that. I hope someday I'll be able to get that handphone back again. I hope that the Caucasian girl is okay...

I'm hurting inside....imaginary pen knife, imaginary cuts

Ever since yesterday, I have been feeling very down. BaoBei and I didn't talk on the phone anymore. Even if he did call, there will be an awful long silence between us. Don't know what to say anymore. He has always been very calm - most of the time. He just feels sad that his new phone lost - Less than 5 months. He don't know how to explain to his Mum.

My Boss compared my reaction about the loss of handphone to my work. He said that if I were that "Kan chiong" about my work, He'll be happy. PLEASE! FOR GODDESS SAKE! HANDPHONE AND WORK ARE TWO DIFFERENT MATTERS CAN?! I've not been sleeping since yesterday and won't be sleeping today. I have slip two 5ml of drowsiness medicine but it didn't seems to help me to sleep. I feel like taking 20 - 40ml of that medicine but....what if I take and won't wake up? I don't know? The accountant ask me to stay till December. I don't want!!! But....do I have a choice? Lorraine has given me some of the F&B jobs and she ask me to try. Thanks Lorraine! Despite your busy schedule you still look around jobs for me. Thanks and sorry for your trouble.

Will be going to lodge a police report on Saturday for the loss of handphone. I need the serial number. This is obviously theft! Although I am at fault in my part for misplacing the handphone, but, if the person who has pick up the phone, has the intention of returning it to me, why didn't she pick up my call in the first place but switch off the handphone after that?! No matter what, I must get that handphone back!!! Even if it's few months or years down the road later!

I am alone now. In my mind now is hatred towards my own actions. Yes, it's a painful lesson learnt. I feel very hurt inside. Took a ruler to slash my left wrist...but doesn't hurt lah. Imagine myself with multiple cuts all over my left arm...I don't know what to say anymore so don't ask me to share. What I wanted to say, I've said it. Nothing can heal the crack. Nothing can be undone. Eh...don't look at my blog like that lah. I don't have pen knife. Don't worry.

I think I will end here for now....will blog again some other time. BaoBei, it's okay if you don't wish to talk. I understand. Sorry...

Handphone lost + Head pain = Ouch! BaoBei...I am sorry

Went to work in the morning and everything was as usual, until lunch time...

I was about to go out to buy lunch but I went to the washroom first. I brought BaoBei's hp along with me. I think I left it somewhere on top of the "wall" and then left in a hurry without checking. The next thing I knew, the handphone was gone! Along with all BaoBei's contacts! I then run here and there and keep asking around if anyone seen a N73 handphone but no one saw it. As I keep rushing, I trip on something and fell. I land quite badly as I "skie" and my head hit against the glass door hard. I thought I heard a cleaner behind me screaming. Luckily the glass door didn't break. But my head hurts!

No mood to have lunch and I ate a little bit. I did call at first but no one answers the phone. After that, when I called the 2nd time, it diverts to my voice mail. I knew immediately that I couldn't get the phone back and I feel very sad cos that's not my phone! That's BaoBei's phone! I called BaoBei to apologise to him. He seems calm about it. I don't know how could he still be so calm especially I lost his beloved handphone?! When my Boss learnt that I had lost a phone, he got a replacement for me - His business phone!(Samsung latest model slide handphone!) I didn't accept it. Cos...what if I accidently scatch his phone? What if I drop it? what if I lost it - again?! So I kindly reject his kindness. He even offer to accompany me to ask around the HP company if they had seen a handphone? I thought that such things he wouldn't care cos....it's none of his business. Cos he's a busy person and always have a lot of things to do.

Spend the rest of the day crying over it. I am heartache not because of the SIM card that is inside but rather, it's the phone itself! Cos that is not my phone! How am I going to face BaoBei? Went to the ladies and saw the cleaner again(the girl who scream when my head hit the glass door) The first thing she ask when she sees me is,"Hey, are you okay? I saw you running and you hit your head on the glass door just now when you fell" I give her a sheepish smile and said I am fine. Luckily the glass door didn't break. Or else I won't suffer just a knock on the head alone. My face might have been pierce if the glass door were to broken in pieces. We then chat for a long time in the washroom.

Went to get a replacement SIM card at Vivocity but......I have no phone to use for now. Some of my contacts also gone together with BaoBei's phone. I can only remember certain people's number: BaoBei's hp number, HuiYi hp number, YuZhi's hp number, Esther Ho's Hp number, Derek's old hp number and my brother's hp number only. The rest, I couldn't remember.

I think I'll end here for now. Anything just email me. Don't SMS or call me anymore.

Hanging out with HuiYi + How can I change my mindset? = Help!

Went to work in the morning and reach work early. Haiz..work was quite slack for the day. I wonder when I could leave? I really hate staying on. HuiYi once said before that the more you prophesy, the more it will come to pass? But why isn't the words that I keep confessing come to pass? Maybe it will...soon. I hope.

Went to lunch alone as usual. After that I slack at office almost for the whole day cos Derek and Boss are out around 4pm. After work I went to Harbour front to purchase some snacks before meeting HuiYi for dinner. Went to BK where we chat about a lot of things and she ask me to do a comprehension about blog for me but I could think of anything and wrote a short comprehension for her. MY SHORTEST COMPREHENSION IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! Feel so upset with myself that I couldn't write anything useful for her! What happen to my English?! Argh!!! Pek Cek!!! Cos I expect myself to write a lengthy long comprehension about Blog for her but...haiz...Less than 200 words lor!

Went to the top level of Vivocity to chat with her. Share with her some of my relationship problems with her and she seems half-surprise and half-shock by what I said about BaoBei. I told her that ever since BaoBei become more good-looking, I found myself detest him more and more instead of treasuring him and loving him wholeheartedly where I should be. I told her that I feel "normal" when communicating or looking at BaoBei at a distance but when BaoBei tried to hug me or get close to me, I feel irritate and have a very strong urge to push BaoBei away! I cannot talk to BaoBei face-to-face at all. As in, really close contact face-to-face type. HuiYi ask if I know the reason for my behaviour? After thinking for some time, I think it could be due to BaoBei's looks. Cos the YenHao I know before, was not so good-looking. Ever since he has become more handsome, I found myself getting more and more insecure and more and more irritated with him. HuiYi continue asking questions and then I know the answer to my behaviour: I was being condemn and received sarcastic remarks from a ex-guy-friend of mine when I was in Sec.1 who happens to be good looking. From then on, I hated all the good looking guys to the CORE! Anyway, if my friends ever notice, that is the reason why my ex-boyfriends whom I have dated were never handsome! When I first met BaoBei, I notice his features first, then his entire looks. I had a feeling that if BaoBei were to slim down, he would be quite good looking base on his face alone. But then what I never discover was my own reaction towards BaoBei. I almost forgot....I hate handsome guys.

HuiYi said the reason why I behave and so-called "reject" BaoBei's intimacy(e.g: Hug) is because of my childhood mindset towards good looking guys. The more I realize on which part BaoBei look good at, I will have a subconscious rejection towards him. Oh no! She said the only way, is to change my views and mindset towards the good looking guys, maybe my reaction towards BaoBei will change once I do this? No wonder I tried to show love but end up arguing and fighting with BaoBei instead. I don't know what to do?

Went home after bidding HuiYi goodbye. I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time...BaoBei, Dui Bu Qi. Bu shi wo bu ai ni. Zi Shi wo heng nan biao da wo de ai. Sorry!

Stupid Boss! + Insecurities = Fears

Nothing much happen at work today. Derek came late for work. His face was super black when he came in! I tried to greet him but he just walk past me. Okay...never mind *shrugs* Derek finally said out what he tolerated for so long - He wish to resign. I think Boss was taken aback by what Derek said and then sort-of "Phycho" him, not to leave. In the end, Derek said he decided to continue to stay on *Fainted!* I wish him all the best since he decided to continue to stay.

Never had I ever met such an unreasonable(and I mean super duper unreasonable!!!) Boss in my whole life before! I was hoping that I could leave this "Prison" place! I had enough! My patience is not as good as Derek's! I do hope that my Boss learns his "lesson". Just because you employee is soft-spoken, patient or tolerating, doesn't mean that you can abuse them! Seriously, the way he treated us, if he were to meet another employee who couldn't stand him and knows how to fight back, the employee could sue him for abuse! Humph! Haiz....enough is enough.

Actually, ever since that incident, I don't wish to blog anymore. It's my own blog!!! Yes, Lorraine still say,"Mind your words you use in your blog cos you might hurt someone". I know. That is why I now decided to make my blog so-called "Private" cos I couldn't keep track and I don't know who exactly has been viewing my blog? Yesterday's Channel U talks about blogging. They describe blogger of 3 attitudes:

1)A blogger who blogs about anything and everything of his/her life(ME!)

2)A blogger who only blogs Generally("on the surface" type)

3)A blogger who blogs fake things to gain attention(-_-")

There is this stupid guy on TV, he said,"I think those people who blog everyday are either "Bo Liao" or nothing better to do so they keep blogging" I feel like throwing something on his face!

Talk with BaoBei and HuiYi after that. Somehow, my feelings towards BaoBei is no longer the same. I know he is disappointed in me. Sorry, maybe I just don't know how to love someone. Lately, he keep joking about looking for another girlfriend. But if it ever come to pass, I won't say anything, but will let him go. Seriously speaking, if a person who won't mind looks, BaoBei is really a very good catch! Somehow, the more good looking BaoBei become, the more insecure I feel. It's not that I don't like him to dress-up or style himself. But because of my split-personality thing, I don't know how to explain my own feelings.

I love it now that BaoBei has become more good-looking and when Esther Leong once comment,"Wah! YenHao! You've become handsome le leh!" Part of me feel very proud that someone gave BaoBei a positive affirmation, which is true, especially he wears contact lens and that he style his hair to Amani. But another part of me feel very insecure and depress. Cos good-looking guys usually attract girls attention! There was once when we board MRT, a few teenage girls(some whom are quite pretty) would steal glances at BaoBei. But when they notice that I started to glare at them, they look away. BaoBei didn't notice the girls. I don't know how would any other girls feel if some other girls were to look at their boyfriend? But to me, I feel insecure instead of feeling proud. I know Pastor taught in "Making marriage work" before that we should look good for our partners. But...now that it happens to me, I don't feel comfortable with it. I know BaoBei tried his very best to lose weight and to look good just for me, I am happy. But at the same time, I feel lousy about myself. A lot of What ifs...came to my mind.

Went to join CGMs for lantern thingy. Most of them were having fun. On the way, I talk to Jaslyn about work and Derek a lot. She was very agitated that Derek hides things from her. Oops! She didn't know?! I'm in big trouble now! I don't know what to do?

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time...

Finally said it out...BUT!

Nothing much to do at work today. A few weeks ago, I told Boss that I want to give but he don't allow me. This time, was different. He was lecturing Derek as usual. Then out of the blue, he ask,"Are you serious about work"? To which I did not reply. I just don't know how to say. Cos, if I were to say,"Yes", he will surely say,"But I don't see your effort!" If I say,"No" He will scream at me. What can I say?

After that he called me into his office and talk to me. He ask if I really had made up my mind or just saying it at the "spur of the moment"? I told him that I have made up my mind. Although I do not really know how to go on from here, but at the same time, I know that I couldn't stay on this job any longer. But...I do not know when I could finally leave?

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Pain....ouch! Sick!

I do not know what is wrong with my right knee? I don't remember injured myself or whatever but it has been pain for quite sometime. No, it's not the surface or the flesh inside...I think It's the bone. I only feel pain when I try to get up after sitting or kneeling. But have no problem bending my knees. I wonder what is wrong? When I told BaoBei, he said I might have "Gu Tou Shu Shong Zhen" I don't know what is that? Meaning my bones are weak and brittle. It happens when a person rapidly loses weight(which I don't) or have weight inconsistency all the time. It will affect the knee area. But if that was so, how come I only feel pain in my right knee and not both knees? He sound so serious and said it my bones are really brittler and I happen to injured the same pain spot like I have now, I might break my bones in the affected area and it's permanent damage. I might not be able to walk on that affected leg anymore. I don't know but then I think it's not serious.

Feeling very painful in my head and have slight fever. I don't know what is wrong. So I SMS HuiYi that I won't be going for service. BaoBei ask me to rest. Feeling pain here and there. I request BaoBei to buy porridge for me but he said he will buy KFC for me instead...what the....?! A person who is not feeling well, you still let the person eat fried stuff? But then ok lah.

Went for interview on Thursday evening in an Vietnamese restaurant located at Millenia walk. I had trouble locating the place. What they state in the newspaper advertisement, is VERY different of what they told me! The newspaper advertisement wrote like this: "IMMEDIATE VACANCY Looking for part/full time service crew. 5 days work week. Walk in interview at #01-26 Millenia walk(Opp Suntec City). Call 1234567 for interview." Note that the newspaper advertisement states like this. But when I go there for interview, they told me that it will either give me weekdays off or only Sundays off. It is not possible to give me weekends off. If it's really the case, what is the 5 day work week about?! I know that if I am given weekdays off, the it is really a 5 day work week but I don't want weekdays off! Plus the person who interviewed me, is interested in only giving me a full time position. I explain to her that I have difficulty leaving my current job and that I would like to take up a 2nd job. She gave me a strange look and told me to just resign or give my current company a month notice and I can leave. Humph! If only it was that easy! My stupid Boss won't let me go! Anyway, since it's a weekdays off only 5-day job, sorry, I am not interested. I don't need weekdays off. The interviewer suggest me to study Shatec if I am really interested in F&B line cos that cert will bring me somewhere and I will succeed in life in F&B career with that cert. I have yet to try a restaurant that is run by Shatec school and students. I forgot where exactly is it located but BaoBei remembers it. I heard that the food there is nice but then, it's not cheap.

Went for combine CGM yesterday. Before that, I had dinner with HuiYi and Stephanie. I was feeling sad for Stephanie. But I guess everyone has problem of his or her own. I was shock to hear about what one of an ex-CGL said to Stephanie! All along, my impression for this ex-CGL is not so bad, although I never interact with this person before. But now, I don't know. Went to toilet with Stephanie and after that we went to somewhere to talk for awhile. She share with me a bit about her past life and that she wasn't happy each time she did something. I know exactly how she feels. Not because that I am a woman too. But because what she gone through in her past, is what I have also gone through the exact same situation too. She said that she doesn't feel loved in the outside world and that she has no real friends outside. She is alone. She said that she may seems to be "popular" among male friends and that on the surface, it may seems that she has a lot of friends but then she feels lonely inside. Cos she feels that the friends are not real and that her guy friends only ask her out for a motive. I feel sad for her. She confess that she come to church is not for God. But because she has nowhere else to go. I feel that she's trying to gain acceptance. She wants people to accept for who she is. She used to be from my ex-CG too but somehow for some reason, she back slided. I never interact with her much then. All I see is a very happy-go-lucky girl. But after what she shared with me, I realize that she is not happy inside at all. I don't know what to say to encourage her. I just told her that if she feels that she don't feel accepted outside, Church is the place where she can find true acceptance. I then wrote her a letter to encourage her. I don't know if it will impact or touch her, but still I wrote. Even if she don't feel anything, at least I want to let her know that I truly care for her.

I guess I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Increase in expenses + Decrease in Salary = Depression x Stress

I guess my money problem never come to an end. The latest news on fare hike increase doesn't seem any good news to me. Lorraine told me before that if Boss doesn't let me go, there must be a reason. I don't know. With the increase in expenses, I do not know how am I going to cope? The only way is to work a second job. BaoBei says that if I ever work both jobs and feel that I couldn't cope with both anymore, I could quit one of the jobs. The problem is - How? Anyway, I really do not know what is the kind of job that is suitable for me.

I don't earn much but then I am going to have CPF deduction, which means my take home pay will be much more lesser. I don't really care, I know that it's hard to cope with such a low amount of money but at the same time, I am shock to know that one of an insurance that is under my name, DEDUCTS FROM MY CPF instead of my father's GIRO account! WTH! I don't know what is wrong with the transport system?! Although some people feel that it's okay that it's just 1 - 3 cents increase, but to low-income earners like me, even 1 cent of fare hike means alot! Not to mention about the transferring of buses cost 3 cents more! Yes, it's may cost less expensive than owning a car, but I do not know if you had notice, since 2005 until now, the fare of transportation keeps on adjusting higher and higher! Yet the pay remains the same! I do not know how am I going to cope from now on.

Not much things going on lately so that explains why I never update my blog. Anyway, there's nothing for me to share. Cried while imagining things. Things that may not happen. I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Sorry...

Until now, I do not know how many people has read my blog. Since everything happen because of what I blog, I decide to change my link. BaoBei was scaring me the whole day yesterday. Before we went out, he was sharpening(is that what you call?) the knives. I ask him,"What was that for? Why are you sharpening the knives for?!". He look at me and replied,"Humph!" and continue doing that. Okay, I know maybe the way I ask was wrong, but he is really scaring me!

We took a cab to church cos I was very late for my BS with Lorraine. Was suppose to meet her at 1pm but I woke up late and SMS her. She push it to 3pm instead. I reach there at 3+pm and she was not there. I know I was late. Sorry. When BaoBei reach there, he storm toward foyer 3 angrily as if to look for someone. His look was murderous! The kind of look as if you want to beat up someone. I touch his arm to ask him,"BaoBei, what happen?" He push off my hand and continue searching for I-don't-know-what-and-who? I saw Chee Yuan pass by and shout for him. He was shock and said,"Yes?" I ask his help to take care of BaoBei. He look confused. I called HuiYi to ask where was she and she said she was in bus with YuZhi. After I told her what happened, she ask a few of the Brothers in our CG for help. Most of them do not know what's going on?

Went to meet Lorraine and she talk to me about some things. I cried when she told me about HuiYi. I do not know that HuiYi has done so much things for me. The part that I cry, because Lorraine said that every time when she's angry, HuiYi will try her best to side me and help me whenever she can. She ask HuiYi and Jacqueline to come to talk too. Seriously, half the time, I do not know what is Jacqueline talking about? When I ask her a question, she replied me about BaoBei's tag instead. I do not know if ANYONE has notice, throughout the time, she was looking at Lorraine's face when she talk. I know I am in the wrong. If I am really in the wrong and you think that you are right, why then you do not look at me when you talk? Lorraine is not the one who do you wrong. I am the one. When I ask her a quote in her blog, she replied about BaoBei's tag. I was like,"Hello? I am asking you a question?" That is why when Lorraine said,"Juliet, now do you understand?" I shook my head. Because I am asking you a question and you are not answering me! Lorraine help her to say out what she meant. But still, I feel that the matter did not solve at all. But since she blog in her blog that it's over, I'll treat it as it's over.

We left after Pastor finish preaching. Cos initially he have to meet JJ. But they never get to meet in the end. He was scaring me the whole time! Where is the innocent and gentle BaoBei I have known?! His attitude was back to before and that scares me. He behave totally like a different man that I couldn't recognise! My BaoBei is calmer than me!!! When I was walking with him, I feel like crying. This is NOT the BaoBei that I've known! My BaoBei don't use violence!

I felt lost, is it my fault again? I do not know who to turn to. Okay, or maybe I am exaggerating. I don't know what to do? Where's my BaoBei? The Gentle, loving and kind BaoBei? Why has things become this way?