Backslide?

Didn't went for service on Saturday cos BaoBei ask me to wait for him till he return. He did said,"If you want to go then is also okay but please be back by 10pm" in the end, I still didn't go. Cos WeiDa ask to meet both of us last minute at 6pm. Went to Far East Plaza to meet them. Most of the time, I really dread meeting BaoBei's friends. Cos the conversations they talk about, I don't click. They are ex-secondary school mates so they have a lot in common to talk about: School, ex-teachers, ex-principals even gossipping about ex-schoolmates and classmates like who's getting married or who's already married with kids etc(Only 22 or younger!) I feel very left-out just because I am not from DSS.

We went to have dinner at a Japanese restaurant. The thing I hate most going out with them is the expenses. Cos they dine and drink at expensive restaurants or cafes. WeiDa then lecture me about saving for the future. It's really very difficult. I had discuss with BaoBei before if we ever were to get married(don't know will we last till then?), I just wish to go to ROM to sign documents that's all. No grand wedding for us, and I want our marriage to be a quiet one. Although that is not my initial plan and not even my dream wedding. My dream wedding was to held in a catholic church kind. Invite some close friends that's all. While BaoBei's initial plan was to held in a grand restaurant with his Singapore side + Malaysia side friends and relatives plus my friends and relatives. But then, WeiDa said that if we don't have 10K, we can forget about marriage. I have discuss with BaoBei before that if we really don't have the money to get married then I just move in with him and then have kids with him etc, without a proper wedding and needless to say, without marriage cert. BaoBei was very angry about it. Cos to me, marriage cert is just a certification that a couple is an official married couple in the law. A wedding banquet only telling the whole world(almost..) that you're married with someone. All these consist of lots of money...-_-"

Went to TCC coffee connoisseur to chill. I ordered a $6.90 coffee. The name was "Perfect match" while the rest ordered cold coffees. Read some interesting facts about coffee! Wow! I never knew Coffee can reduce the risk of liver cancer! Hey! Those hardcore clubbers and especially drinkers out there! Check this out! It says,"Studies have shown that drinking one or more cups of coffee a day may help to lower the risk of getting liver cancer by over 40%!" So, if you are clubbing too much and have hang over the next day, try drinking hot coffee may help. Haha! Anyway, whether is it true or not it's up to you to find out + some other facts about coffees. Check out those facts at TCC!

Lorraine called me today and spoke to me. She says that if I wanted to go out I can tell her so but....will she allow? She said that I seems to have excuses for not turning up on Saturday, e.g: Fever lah(which I really did!) and my attendance in church is not very consistent. WenKai also wish to talk to me. Chiam! Some time ago, she ask what is it that I really want? Seriously, what if I don't know? BaoBei complain that I hide my problems from him and don't tell him. I don't know how to tell him. After that...I don't know how...I just blurt out all the frustrations that built inside me for so long! CG lah, Prayer list lah, that I feel very tired and frustrated about some of the members. But I know in the end, I am the one who is at fault. I didn't do my duty as a Prayer warrior well. By the way, if I remembered correctly, Prayer warrior should be two persons! Me and Jaslyn! Jaslyn use to do all at first cos there was a problem with my computer that time with no window words. Now I so-called "have" it, she threw all the work to me. At first I don't mind but now thinking back, during that time, she arrange with me this way, She collects prayer request while I collect prayer timing. But now, she didn't do anything at all while I collect both! And when I can't produce the prayer request, Lorraine will come after me only! Ok..take it as it's my fault. Sorry.

As for queuing up, initially was BaoBei, Samuel, Chee Yuan and some other guys whom I forgot. I really admire Chee Yuan that he has been faithfully queuing up no matter rain or shine all these months without complain.(I think I forgot to Thank Chee Yuan for it) BaoBei's book out timing is not very consistent then and couldn't really make it in time to queue up. In the end, sometimes I had to queue with BaoBei. But ultimately the credit still goes to Chee Yuan lah. Cos he has been very faithful. Chee Yuan, I know you never get to read my blog but still, Thank you for queuing up for us and thank you for all the trouble to book seats for us. Sometimes, I saw ushers "bullying" Chee Yuan trying to "snatch" the seats. e.g:"Are your members coming yet? ok..5 more minutes they are not here then can you please give up your seats for those who are here? Thanks!" Something like that. I saw Chee Yuan trying to keep his cool(or is it that he try not to raise his voice?) to the ushers. He also try very hard to "fight" for the seats for us. Yet, the other time, Lorraine said,"Who ever thank Chee Yuan for booking the seats?" I feel guilty. I never once thank him.

Continue venting my complains to BaoBei. He said,"You say you don't know how to say? You said you don't know how to express? Now you vent all your frustrations out already lor" BaoBei said ever since I work in my current job, he has never seen me smile or live happily. After months goes by, he sees the danger in me - depression. He said actually I have already broken down but no one knows. Did I? I don't even know. I just know that I am really tired from my work, prayer list and church commitment. I think I need a break. For how long? I don't know? He was shock to hear me saying all sorts of things which I never mention it to him before. As in, I am usually behaving normally and then will suddenly erupt my problems and tensions that has built up in my heart for a very long time. When I told him that I don't know how to share with him anymore, he seems upset.

I don't know what is my own decision. This coming Saturday Lorraine wants to talk to BaoBei and me together with Bro.Wen Khai. Chiam! Somehow I had a feeling things are going to be messy and bad. That is all.

Will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.