Come lah! Take my useless soul away!!!

Been feeling very down recently. Why did all these stupid things happen? Really very tired....feel like ending my life with all these stupid s***! Don't worry about me guyz..just leave me alone.

Been crying for the past two days. Was chatting with Alphonsus Korkor for the past two days through msn. We are both shock to learnt about some things about each other. Why didn't I know earlier?! Why didn't I spot the signs earlier?! For the past two days that I've been chatting with him, I cried alot. Lucky thing that we did not chat face-to-face. I then told him that I wish him all the best with his girlfriend and drop him hints that I wish to end the friendship-cum-God-brother-sister-relationship with him. He seems hurt by what I said and do not know what is going on. Sorry Kor, I have let you down too much! Just treat it as I have never ever exist in your life before. I do not dare to chat with him face to face. I do not want to see his reaction.

Finish my work quite fast today and spend the rest of the two whole hours slacking at the office. Alot of things has been running through my mind. It seems so near but yet so far(The end times). How I wish that it would arrive sooner. Really very tired of my life and tired of everything. I had already given up on myself and my stupid life. Really regret of what I had done during my younger years. But sadly, time could not be turn back.

Receive an annoyanous chain mail in my email. It was a picture taken from a hospital with a girl lying on the hospital bed and beneathe the hospital bed, a girl dress in all white, lying on the ground, her face facing my monitor and her eyes are opening very wide. Her face is very pale. Whiter than the printing paper and her long black curly hair lying all over. Below the note, it said: Send this to ** people in ** minutes. If not, this girl will come to you tonight and take your soul away. It is not a joke! (And it lists the stories of how people mystrious died after receiving this email and did not forward it or just delete it away). I then delete the email without forwarding and in my mind, I was thinking,"If you really want to take my soul after I delete this email, come lah! I don't care anymore!" There's nothing for me to live for anyway.

After that, it was time to knock off and I just do a little shopping before I went home. Nothing interesting. Just another BL blogging again. I then called *Eileen out for a drink as I was feeling down but too bad she couldn't join me but invite me to join her on Friday night instead. Don't know whether to go or not cos on Friday, there is no ladies' nite. Unless she is going to Pubs then it's different story cos Pub is entrance free but the drinks are charged. Will see how things goes. Nite folks!

When will the end time comes? I'm looking forward to it..meaningless life...

These few days I got insult mails in my friendster account. It was from one of my ex-bf. Really very sad about it. I think it was partly my fault. After he insult me, I felt very down. I know there will be people asking,"Why take his insult so seriously? Just ignore him lah"sorry but I can't cos since this incident partly my fault, I have nothing to say. First time kena insult till no dignity. Anyway, after I read the insults, I think through it alot. Thinking of what I had done in the past. I remembered last week Pastor said that we can have a choice of whether to choose to build a wall between others or choose to welcome them with open arms, I think I had made my decision now - to build walls between others. I know this might sound very sad but sorry. I have stated in my previous blog that I can no longer trust. Stupidity has it's price after all.

Luckily for the first half of the day, I have nothing to do so I can cry out in the office. Cos I had finish my work and email my supervisor the workload. I then went to her to ask if there is anything she wants me to do? She look at me and said the new batch of files had not been ready yet so I can rest temporary if I want to. I then sat down and think through alot of things.

I wasn't very happy with my birthday yesterday. Cos someone didn't treat the day with respect...or maybe I didn't deserve it? Purposely came late and can walk somemore! After she then went to window shopping dragging one of my friend along! Anyway very angry for almost the whole day. At night when I went to Cineleisure to celebrate my birthday, on the way there, I keep calling that stupid idiot "princess" upteen times but she never pick up my call. She only said she will be there late but don't know how late? After that, when JiaXin called her, she said she don't wanna come cos she don't have mood to come! KNS! WTF! I called her and she don't wanna pick up my call! And when Jia Xin called her, she then pick up the call to tell her that she has no mood to come!? Don't know how to tell me on the phone when I called is it?! Don't know how to pick up my call is it?! Don't know how to say already! I said before, if you all don't have the heart to celebrate with me then don't celebrate!!! WO BU XI HAN! 21st birthday only mah! JUST TREAT IT AS I AM DEAD AND BURN JOSS STICKS AND HELL MONEY FOR ME CAN LE!!! But still I appreciate for the friends who really help me celebrated my birthday. Sheryln, Esther, Lynn, Vincent Korkor and Jia Xin..THANKS ALOT! I appreciate it :) Especially Jia Xin, took a lot of effort to help me organize the birthday. Initally I told her I am not celebrating..but she persuade me to celebrate.

Received some presents from my friends. They gave me a stack of voucher worth $140. Wow! $140! They said that I could use it to buy office clothing. Thanks alot guyz! Vincent korkor gave me a hp holder..cos he said that he think that's what I need. Hmm..can use it to rest my hp when its not in use. Really like it alot! Thanks Kor! Very kawaii ne!

Yesterday night saw Alphonsus Korkor online. Very surprise to see him. But he ask me alot of strange questions. Kor! You are getting married soon leh! Why say these kinda things to me?! I do not know what was he thinking in his mind. Suddenly rake up the past to talk to me. Or maybe he don't know what to say bah? I wonder what happen between him and Da sao? I hope nothing happens? Actually he started to speak very strangely to me even before Da sao entered his life. There's certain things in the past that he told me, I don't even remember. When I told him certain things he used to do in the past, he too, didn't remember. Haiz..what's wrong? He then showed me his recent photo..I was surprise that he gained alot of weight since the very last time I saw him. Hmm..okay lah..it's been quite a long time since I last saw him, so..it's not surprise that he has gain so much weight.

After that went back to work when the new files arrive. Why this batch have alot of back-logs?! I hate back-logs! After that I accompany Jia Xin to go for shopping and bought a flask. Until now I still don't know where is the Pantreen? Cos nobody told me. When I ask, they said,"You go look for it yourself lah!" Actually I don't know there's a pantreen until a colleague told me that I could bring my own cup and boil coffee/milo inside the pantreen. But...Where is the pantreen!? From the day I step into the company until now I still don't know where is the pantreen lor.

I think I shall end here for now. Will blog again next time.

Unhappy 21st Birthday

This afternoon I went out with my friends to Jurong Point and we do some shopping there. Jia Xin was late! Haiz..who is the one who ask to meet at 12.30pm but late herself? I then went to window shop around with Esther and she help me to pick earrings and an anklet for me. Lynn also came and join us. We then went to Long John Silver to have our lunch. After that we then went to a shop and I showed Jia Xin a Cardiant(Is is spell like that?)that I had set my eyes on. She then help me to pick a color that she thinks it suit me most.

She ask me not to wear Cardiant to work often and ask me to dress formerly whenever possible. After that we went to Sasa shop and I finally found the make-up box I am looking for!!! Yeh!!! Haha!!!(*Siao!*) but I actually took a long time to make a decision although I finally found what I wanted cos there is this other box(smaller)which looks simple and cute. In the end, I then bought the one that I had set my eyes on and wanted it for a long time. Before we left Sasa shop, my eyes caught a small set of eye shadows and I just look at the price for awhile before I put it back while my friends are looking around at the shop. After that I bid them goodbye and rush for service.

When I reach to the hall, I couldn't spot Nicholas anywhere. I then called him and eventually he guide me to the place they are sitting. I am very surprise that Nicholas can see me from so far away!(plus the hall is quite crowded with people) Wow! Nicholas, you sure have a good eye-sight! He then wave at me from a far distance and ask me whether I can see him waving? I then quickly join them for the service. The sisters ask me,"Wow! Juliet. Went for shopping?" I replied,"Ya" and they wanted to see the make-up that I have bought. I then pass the make up to them and they took turns to take a look before returning it to me.

After service, the cell group gathered around and sing Happy Birthday songs to Peggy and me. So coincidence that our birthday falls on the same day! We live just one block away from each other too! After that when it was testimonal time, I was surprise to what Nicholas said to me. Out of so many testimonals that is given to me, his was the one that I could never forget. I do not know whether he mean it from his heart or he is just saying for the sake of saying? But his testimonal really touch me alot...although maybe he find it just a simple testimonal but Nick, hey..If you are reading this, I just wanna say, Thanks alot! I am really touch by your testimonal for me. I am also feel a little consoled from MingYing's testimonal. She said that she knows that I feel sad that most of my friends has left the cell group and that I am the only one staying on and say alot of things to console me. Thanks MingYing! :) I appreciate it. Jialing then gave Peggy and me a present and when I open it, I was very surprise to what I received! It was the eye shadow makeup that I saw at Sasa just now! Cos I was thinking of buying it some other time when I really got enough money for it next time. But...maybe it was a coincidence. Or maybe it could be that God is blessing that makeup for me. Thanks Jialing! Thanks Father..Thanks Holy Spirit :)

But when it comes to Brother Tony's testimonal, honestly speaking I don't quite like what he said. It's just that I didn't show it out to him but I gave him a fake smile(YueMing, don't tell Brother Tony!! Just read and forget it). Now then I realize that in his eyes, I am so worthless in the cell group! If you want me to come to church just for the attendence sake, honestly speaking, I can don't come if I want to! I have better things to do than to come to church on a Saturday afternooon if I want to! So disappointed that he said that kinda thing to me!(Those who were there, I think you all had heard what Brother Tony said to me?)Sorry...even though it seems positive thing of what he said, but sorry to say, I don't see it as a positive thing! I see it as NEGATIVE! My feeling at the time was like, all of the cell group members pour roses on me while Brother Tony pour rubbish onto me! If you guys know what I mean and how I felt when he said those things to me! Okay lah, put attendence aside lah, I would really like to know, as a member, do I mean anything to him and to the cell group? If yes then okay, I can continue to stay in the cell group and try to mingle with the members. If NOT, if he just wants me to come for the attendence sake, or if he wants me to come for the sake of coming, then sorry to say, I am ultra disappointed that I am being treated this way! Someone spoke on behalf of Brother Tony before that since he is a Brother, he has difficulty expressing himself and I heard that guys in general are not very good in expressing themselves unlike sisters. She claims that Brother Tony ask about me through the sisters. Whether or not this is true I do not know and I don't wish to know. Before this, someone(I cannot say who..sorry) told me before that we cannot scold cell group leaders lah...cannot backstab or whatever lah cos if the person can be a cell group leader, that is because God has given the person authority and he is God's precious leader. Sorry Father, sorry guys but THIS IS ME. If I had anything I am not happy about, I just state it here. Cos like I said, some times, I had difficulty expressing myself face-to-face. I do not know how to tell him that I am quite upset by what he has said to me..I just don't know how to say it in a very "nice" way. That's all. Can't find the right words to put across to him. So I just keep quiet.

After that we then pray for Yue Ming's Grandpa and hope that he'll get well soon. After that went to Simei to fellowship with the members. Ate Sirlin steak for dinner with the rest..Yum! After that we then catch the train with Jeffery and Dilion while the rest bid us goodbye.

Hahahahaha.....sooooo happy :P

Yesterday I went down to the Agency to sign some papers. They said they need me to sign some contract before I can start work. WooHoo! Finally got a new job le! It is what I always wanted to do!

After that went to meet YueMing for awhile and she said alot of things to me about asking me to remember God's blessing on me and what was the very first song that was played when I first step into church to accept him again. After that she keep quiet while I thought alot of things in my mind..the very first song that was played when I first received him was,"So you would come". I love that song alot. But it is also the song that makes me cry alot. After I had done with my crying, she then prayed for me for awhile before I went off to meet Sylvia and the rest of the group. No one told me that Sylvia will be there. KNS..then purposely made me sit beside her! We didn't talk to each other at first and after that, slowly, she find excuses to ask me questions about my new job. Haha! Finally she talks to me le? After that Andrew then send me a sweet good night SMS and later SMS me to ask me to call him(cos he never paid his hp bill so his line is half-way cut). My friends then tease me about him.

I then use a public payphone to call him as I have a $5 value phone card which I never use before. We chat for a very long time. But mostly is about his studies and homework. He then wish me luck in my new job while I wish him luck in his studies. He feels a bit heartache that I am standing while talking to him. KNS! Like real! After that I wondered why my friends didn't come out? I then SMS to Sheryln that I am outside at the payphone. When they came out, I bid Andrew goodbye first and use my handphone to call him.

As I miss my last bus, I had no choice but to take a cab home. Haiz..$10 gone down the drain. He seems relieve when I told him that I had reach home and ask me to give him a morning call at 7.15am. But then he don't believe that I could wake up so early. -_-" Hello? I have to work early in the morning Mr.Andrew! Ni hen ke ai leh!

This morning, I woke up at 6am but I am feeling very tired. Maybe it's that I don't use to wake up so early in the morning. I then drag myself out of bed to get myself ready for work. Almost lost my way when I reach Chinatown station. Haiz..dunno where is the company located. I then called Andrew at 7.15am sharp. He sounds very cute when he just wake up. :P After that he SMS me a thank you message for waking him up -_-" When I finally found the building, I waited for 30minutes before I approach the customer service counter and a lady then lead me to the department I will be working at. About 15 minutes later, a young lady then look for me urgently and lead me upstairs to do my tempoary pass. A plump lady then greet me upstairs and lead me to the conference room. She said she has been looking for me since morning. Ahhh! Malu! After that she then brief me about the dress code. She seems to be very pleasent and a cheerful person.

After the briefing she welcome me to the company. I'll be taking over a guy who is leaving tomorrow. I then watch how my colleagues do the job and one of them then let me try hands-on as she said maybe I will remember it more better that way. When it was lunch time, Wong then ask me whether I would like to join the other colleagues out for lunch? I agreed cos I do not know where to eat. Wong is a very soft-spoken person but I think she finds it hard to click with me cos the topics that she talk about, I do not understand and it's a topic I hated most - politics. Please, I can talk to you about anything and everything except THAT. Don't ask me why. I just don't have to knowledge an interest to talk about such stuff to you. The guy then talks to me about travelling and Wong says that He likes to talk about travelling alot. But too bad he is quitting so soon. I guess that he would be a very nice colleague to be around with. He also share his tibits with us. Haha!

After lunch time, I am feeling very tired and sleepy as there is nothing for me to do there. I then ask the guy to show me how to use the photocopy machine. He showed me once but I forgot how to use it -_-" cos I saw him keeping pressing the buttons for a very long time before my paper can be photocopied. Haiz..so complicated. Yeh! Tomorrow can dress-down! I like it man! (^.^)>o (Peace!) I guess I will end here for now. Sorry for the long-winded blogging guyz..take care!

Job Agency? Guy? Love? God?

Yesterday I went to job Agency with Angel. Went to two job Agencies. One is recommended by my God-brother, Samuel. He insist that I must go. Haiz..the other is walk-in with Angel. I don't quite like the walk-in. Cos the consultant seems unfriendly and her spoken English is not very strong so most of the time I don't what is she talking about. After we then left the Agency and Angel actually wanted to go to other Agencies to apply for job but I don't want. Cos I don't want to confuse myself. Although yes it will slightly increase my chance of getting employed but I don't want.

After that we went to Sambawang CD shop and I bought a classical CD songs. Quite cheap. 3 CDs for $16.90. Later went to meet Sheryln for lunch. Pasta Mania again! Liew! I think if I were to continue going out with Angel like that, I can die more faster than you can say,"See?". After that Sheryln went back to her work and I went to Takashimaya KFC to look for my ex-colleagues. Sir Anthony saw me and gave me a smile but said nothing and went back to his office. While I was eating, Angel called me twice crying over the phone. I was very concern about her and ask if she need me to go down to her place to talk to her Mum for her? She said okay lor..When Sheryln sms me to say she just knock off, I apologise to her that I must help Angel and won't be meeting her and Jia Xin later(cos initally we planned that after Sheryln knock off, we will look for Jia Xin together and Jia Xin will help me to do the shopping for office wear). I then rush down to Angel's place.

When I reach there, I was extreamely angry! Cos after I reach there, she was talking on the phone with Jia Xing HAPPILY! And the worst part is her Mum is not around! I wanted to speak to her mother! Since her Mum misunderstand her, I wanted to speak to her face-to-face to clear all the misunderstand her Mum has on her. But in my mind, I was very angry that I feel like taking out the Agency's name card and throw at her Mum's face to tell her,"Aunti! You don't believe you call this Agency and ask whether is there a girl with me this morning at the Agency or not! I was with your daughter at this Agency this morning! She did not go out to have fun! She is out to look for a job!!!"I know lah..if I were to really do that, I would be in the wrong lah. But that is what mostly I would do If I am extreamely angry with someone. Worst to worst..erm..I think my God-brother(Vincent)has seen me done this more than twice. I dun want to state what is it. But my friends whom also saw me doing that will know what is it(something that I always do when I am angry..which is also not very nice).

I then left Angel's place and went to the Arcade and watch people play ParaPara. Haiz..the guys dance more expert than me. Have style de. After that I then went to meet Jia Xin and Sheryln and Jia Xin help me to choose an office bag and blouse. I need these two things. The pants I already had it and the shoes..I got it from HuiYi. Thank you HuiYi! You are the best sister-in-christ that I ever had! Not only you are there when I am happy. You are also there for me when I am down and discourage. Of course not forgetting my friends, especially Esther! You are also there for me when I need a listening ear and I really admire you that you always listening to my complains without ever feeling tired. Haha...thank you so much for your care. Sorry if I ever said anything that hurt you. Thank you for your friendship for so many years le..hmm...10-and-a-half years le ne! Don't believe you count it yourself..from Primary 5 until now.

After that meet Esther for supper and crap alot at Macdonald's. Have alot of laughter. But too bad..someone is missing because of me. Esther and group should know who bah. It's not that I didn't forgive her. Is she didn't forgive me lor. Since she is so angry to see me what for asking her out? I scared that it will be more unhappy for you all.

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Kana Shoot

Yesterday during cell group meeting, I didn't really join in. I suddenly harbor hatred towards God and the Holy Spirit. I then felt a sense of evilness within me..a feeling that I used to had a long time ago. I think a few of them must have notice that I didn't pray with them. I guess that the movie really affect me alot in a very negative way.

After the prayer, I then wanted to rush off. As I was late for meeting my friends. But when I told Brother Tony that I wanted to go off, he asked,"Juliet, is something bothering you today? You seems to lost focus for the prayer". I was surprise and thought,"He notice?!"For the first time ever, he finally take notice of me! Cos he was praying in the presence of God so I don't think that he notice that I wasn't praying at all. I then raise my voice slightly and told him that I don't think I can pray and worship to God anymore and that I have been thinking of backsliding. I told him this,"I can't believe that the God that I have been praying to and the Bible that I have been reading(although I didn't really read..but there was a time I really read the Bible for that period of time. From Mattrew to John), lies to me!!!" I was about to cry when I said that but I quickly blink my tears away. He seems very shock by my reaction and ask am I referring to the Da Vinci Code? I ask how did he know? He smiled and said that it is the hot topic currently in Singapore. He then slightly raise his voice to me and said,"Juliet, do you know that the movie you have watch is actually a fiction?" I said,"I know..but some things about the movie of what it says, I find it very hard to believe and it seems true! Like why was Jesus wearing almost the same color clothing as Mary?! And why did it said Jesus and Mary had a child when the Bible doesn't says so!? Even the discovery channel also said that Jesus actually LAUGH at his disciples?!" He took a deep breath before answering me that when the signs of end of age is about to come, one of the signs is false prophesy will come. What I had seen and heard about the Da Vinci code are all lies. He also said that when a person's is not spiritually strong and watch this kinda show, their faith for God will usually be shaken like what I am now. He then said,"You have not been praying and reading the Bible am I right?"I then look at him and nod..cos I had lost the fire and love for God and the Holy Spirit that I used to have. I remembered it was started when I think that I don't have time for God and don't have time for prayer. It was always either,"No time" or "Too tired to pray". I always told myself that,"I'll pray tomorrow". But till now, that day never comes and I guess maybe it's because of that, I have drawn further and further away from Father. Slowly, I find it extremely difficult to walk in His ways and I guess He has move on and left me behind.

He then urge me to start reading the Bible all over again and to pray to God more often. Thank God for the blessings that He showered on me, no matter how small or how big the blessings are and always remember his blessings. He said to me,"Juliet, always remember God's blessings on you. Do you remember any prayers that you made to him that he has answered it to you?"I then thought for awhile and I can name a few. Some small and some big. He also request that if I had any doubts or problems, it is best that I speak to someone than to keep it to myself. After that he then left me alone and Brother Eugene came and talk to me. Cos I think he has over-heard the conversations between me and Brother Tony as we were talking quite loudly. Brother Eugene said alot of things to me and he said since the movie is still fresh in my memory, it is best that I could buy the Da Vinci Code book by Mark Connell?(Can't remember the exact author). He said the book will have the true answers to what I seek from the movie. I had never seen Brother Eugene with that look before..his eyes are serious and his facial expression showed concern about my spiritual life with God. Cos I am used to seeing his jovial side of him. This is the very first time that I saw him being so serious. He also talk about his experiences with God that touches my heart. Maybe I have never notice God the way Brother Eugene does.

After that I then went to meet my friends and was 2 hours late. Haiz..went to the wrong place to meet them somemore..*laughs*. But we finally manage to meet in the end but I went home early as I was feeling too tired.

Met Andrew for the first time today

This morning, I went to Clementi to pay for my bills. After that I then hang around aimlessly there and later watch a movie alone. Sianz..Andrew then ask me out for lunch but too bad I was in the movie threater so I couldn't meet him.

After around 7pm, he then SMS me to ask me to meet him to accompany him for study. After much hesitation, I then agree to meet him at Bukit Batok. I then took a shower and later took a bus to Bukit Batok interchange. When I reach there, I greeted him but he look at me with a daze look on his face -_-" I know he never seen me before but don't need to give me that kinda look right? We then went to Macdonald's and I greet Rozita there. After that I then joined him and I play with my puzzle book while he study his Science test. After a while, he then showed me his IC and Army card. Strange? He haven't return his army card and yet he still can get back his pink IC? Hmm..but I didn't ask him anything about it cos I am afraid he will find me nosy. I then went to order Ice Milo and after I had returned, he pay me for the ice milo. Haiz..I wanted to treat him but he said,"No no no..since you come all the way down to accompany me, I should be the one who treat you. Nevermind..since you already bought the drinks then I just pay for my share. Next time if I come all the way down to meet you then you treat me back".

He then return to study and I return to play my puzzle game. After the he then request me to draw his time-table for him as he always has no time to draw. After I finish drawing for him, he look surprise and said,"Huh?! So fast?! Oh okay...thanks". He then took a rest from his test and play with my puzzle book. Wah! He looks for the words quite fast and he finish a page within 5 minutes!!! He then said that it is considered nothing and that I should meet his elder sister, whom she completes the crossword puzzle more faster than him. After he finish studying for his test, we then went out of the Macdonald and I greet one of my ex-colleague and she ask,"Wah! New boyfriend? Where's Adrian"? I then told her that Andrew is not my new boyfriend but a friend and that I have broken up with Adrian a long time ago. She was surprise by the reason that I broke up with him and she comment,"Wah! He's a b*******!!! I see that he's so gentle and sweet but yet he did such a thing to you!" I then said,"Nevermind lah..so long ago le..haiz..anyway I got to go..My friend is waiting. Sorry..chat with you some other time. Bye". She then nods and went back to her work.

Andrew then wait for me outside the Macdonald's and Rozita came out to talk to me for a short while. When she learnt that the guy with me is Andrew, she said,"Alamak! He's Andrew?! Sial lah! Mati!"She took a peek at Andrew and bid me goodbye before going into the counter. Andrew then gave me a whierd look as he stood at a distance away from me so I don't think he could hear what Rozita comments about him. He wanted to send me to the bus interchange but I reject and told him that I wanted to walk around the shopping mall. He said,"What? At this time of the night? I thought most shops are close? Nevermind..I accompany you". I reject him and ask him to go back by himself and he give me a disappointed look and said,"Okay..but SMS me once you reach home". We then bid each other goodbye and I went to the Arcade for awhile before heading home. Finally get to see him in person. Haha..so happy :P

Knowing a new friend + Last day

Yesterday morning, I work with Kat and I don't know why she was so happy to see me. After that we then work until lunch time and I went out to eat by myself and went to do some mini-shopping for awhile before I went back. After that, Kat suddenly ask me if I wanted to eat ice-kachang and she will be giving me a treat? Strange? How come she treat me so nice out of the sudden? I then join but and after ordering the ice kachang, I then told her that I actually haven't eat ice kachang for quite alot of years. Cos when I wanted to eat, my gums will feel very painful if I eat anything cold. So I dare not eat cold foods for a number of years. She then said I may have sensitive teeth or gums and that I must see a dentist. I don't want! I just leave it as that.

After eating with Kat, strangely enough, for the first time ever, I didn't feel any sharp pain in my gums/teeth. She was very happy for me. After that we went back to the clinic and she took a short nap while I SMS to Andrew(A new friend that I had through MSN and Friendster). He is older than me by a year but his wisdom is quite amazing to me. Maybe because I had not seen the world much than him. I had difficulty communicating with him in English as his spoken English is those University standard type of English(The same English as my God-Brother who have graduate in the University of Melbourne)Wah! Use alot of "Chiem" English word to me. I then purposely use Chinese to talk to him as I felt that I am better in Chinese. But when he spoke to me in Chinese, the way that he speaks, he reminds me of my first love as he used to be speaking in that manner to me too - The "Ah Beng" type of speaking. I felt very happy when I receives his SMS or talks to him because..although his circumstances is very messy, still, he is able to talk to me positively and offer me advise in a positive way. But until now I dare not meet him in person as I feel that he is those type of people that go for looks. Cos I see the type of female friends he has in his friendster, I have a feeling that he only befriends pretty girls.

I then told him that maybe, one day, I might bring him to meet my friends. He said he will follow me as long as my friends don't mind. Haha! My Dear Friends, if you ever see him, please don't be afraid of his looks and please don't reject him okay? If you want to know why I am saying this, you can SMS me and I will tell you in the SMS as I don't wish to say it here.

I guess I have to end here for now. Will blog again some time.

Happy Birthday Shuang Feng!

Yesterday I didn't manage to go to church cos I am attending my ex-supervisor's Birthday. When I reach there, Shuang Feng(Birthday girl/KFC Trainee Manager now) greeted me but as me to help myself around. Haiz...I do not know any of them there except Ah Feng. I then gave her a small present for her birthday.

As many of them crowd around the BBQ pit, I could not cook anything there. Haiz...After that Umi, Mdm Jasmine(my ex-Manager)and some of my ex-colleagues whom most of them I had forgotten their names, came very late at night to wish Ah feng Happy Birthday. I was very disappointed that I never get to see both Big and small Aidah and Benjamin Sir(My favourite Manager). Not every KFC crews attend Ah Feng's birthday. I then called small Aidah and she thought that I called her by mistake. >.<

We then went to take pictures and after that when Ah feng came out for the first time, all of them sabotage her. She then said,"Liew! Lucky I wear very simple! U all ah!" I pity Ah feng. Later she then said,"Eh! Pick up the rubbish lah"and after she picked up, she throw back at them. We then chat with each other for awhile and I learnt that all of them are still in KFC while I am working elsewhere. I miss them though. Cos when I used to work in KFC, all of us are like a family. A feeling of home which I never get when I work elsewhere. Except when I was working in Macdonald's and KFC. A guy then came and help me with the cooking. I sat down and stare at the escape theme park. There is a game I saw that I wanted to play - "Car racing". But too bad I do not know how much is the entrance fee and whether do they charge for each game or what?

After taking pictures with Ah feng, I then went out and pretend that I wanted to go back home. A guy then pass me 3 bags of water bomb and we standby at a corner. Some of them, whom Ah feng had seen them carry water bomb before, pretend that they never carry any and when she finally came out, all of us throw the water bomb at her. 1 of it land in on the back of my translucent blouse. KNS! Who is that idiot who throw at me?! Luckily all of them don't know my birthday but I gave them a hint that my birthday is this month. Umi and the group then wanted to throw water bomb at me. I then told them not to throw as I am wearing translucent blouse and it will become transparent when contact with water. I then stay inside the room and dare not come out until Umi and the rest give up(Cos I don't have extra clothes to change).

I then followed Umi to the MRT where we bid each other goodbye and I quickly catch the last train with Moteh(My ex-colleague). I then went home to watch a mid-night movie before going to sleep. Had a very fun day yesterday.

Bible Thingy

This morning, Dr.W still ignore me even after I had greeted her. I wonder what have I done wrong? I didn't ask her. I just leave her as she is. The first half of the day passes quite slowly and boring.

After that Dr.W ask me to wash the trays and informing me the things to do. Kat then left in the evening and JX came and take over her duties. After that we then chat for awhile and she said she is from the Ursher ministry! I then find out about the duties that the Urshers do and she then share with me the different positions of the Urshers and the difference of the duties that they do. Sounds very interesting! She then said,"Join me lah! Become an Ursher too!"I would like to..but my working timing is so tight that I don't think that I can go off early. Dr.W is already not happy that I can't work on Fridays cos of cell group meetings, and I guess if I were to tell her that I wanted to join the Ursher ministry, she will gone mad! She then mention to me that the church needs people for Ursher ministry. I want to join! But..too bad. I can't...at least not now. I think I will wait until my work has stablize and that I am being confirmed then I will discuss with Dr.W again and see what she says.

YueMing then called me in the evening to pray with me. I then share about the book that I had read, to her. She also told me the same thing that Regina told me,"If you are easily shaken by the book, then I also suggest that you don't watch the movie". She said that there are alot of things that I still need to learn. She then share with me about the book, and a verse from the Bible suddenly struck me. I suddenly remembered a verse from the Bible that says that when the end is near, false prophetsy will come and alot of questions will be ask. It is exactly what I am experiencing now! But I am still very confuse to which is which? I haven't found any answers to my questions yet.

Haiz..I think I shall end here for now....feeling more and more confuse....

Help me

I felt very depress after reading a book. Those who are smart, you can try and guess what the book is. I don't have the original copy of the book though. I heard from Rigina that the original book is quite thick and quite complicated. I WANT THAT BOOK!!! Sorry that I cannot reveal much of the contents of the book cos it is quite a sensitive topic to talk about. It is about religion thingy.

Although the book I have in my hand is not the original contents, but it is quite confusing as the characters discuss about the original book, alot of details were missing and some of my questions that I thought in my head were not answered in this book. I WANT THE ORIGINAL BOOK! I DON'T CARE! BUT HOOK OR BY CROOK I MUST GET MY HANDS ON THAT ORIGINAL BOOK!!! But Regina warn me sternly not to read that book as it will shake my faith violently. She said,"I pray that if you ever get your hands on that book, your spiritual life will not be affected badly. Cos if you really can't take what is stated in the book, you will eventually backslide. Mark my words". But..I DON'T CARE! I want to know alot of things!!! But in order for me to know both sides of the story, I must read through the WHOLE Bible before reading the book. As alot of contents of the book state are quite confusing to me. I discuss with Rigina about it and she seems quite offended by me. She said,"I don't want you to get brainwash by that book alone! Do you know that the book you are reading now are mostly anti-Christ?" I told her that I don't know. But..I was thinking, if what the book states are true, Christians, please don't blame me for doubting the Bible. Although I am guilty for not reading the Bible much, but I still know certain topics of the Bible. I even learnt some shocking findings about the Bible which I could not state it here. I had a "spiritual fight" with Regina because of this. Lucky she is firm and strong enough to answer all the doubts and questions about the book that I "threw" at her. She then told me,"If you are quite stress-up and deeply affected by this book alone, then I suggest that you don't watch the movie later on".

I have not yet finish reading the book. I am only half-way through. The topics that the characters discuss are more and more confusing that I desprately wanted to know the answers to it!!! But maybe if I ever get my hands on the real book, all my answers will be answered. Or maybe the book could be more confusing that I needed to seek for more answers to my questions. Haiz..Please..I don't want to hear anymore of this!!! Father!!! Tell me that all these things are lies?! But I really want to know..Which is which??? Which are truth?! Which are the lies?! After reading this book and after learning some of the historical things, I have serious doubts about the Bibles(In fact, all the Bibles). I wanted to cry but I couldn't cry. Although the story itself is quite messed up and confusing. But still I can catch a tinnie winnie bit here and there. The rest I have to find out myself!

Dr.W is not in a good mood today. Haiz..I don't think for the rest of my days will be good. I'll try to be on my guard now.

I think I will end here for now. Felt so depress and disappointed that everything now is in a mess.

Dislike became hatred

This morning, I went to meet Angel to pass her the classified jobs from CHC. We then went to Bugis for a walk but I couldn't find the push-cart that sells the socks type of hp pouch. I wonder where is it located? We then went to Pasta Mania and chat. After that we walk around at Suntec for awhile before we proceed to Harbour Front. I am broke after purchasing two books from the Life bookshop.

When we reach there, Esther was very surprise to see me. Ya Cin then ask how am I in my new job and I replied,"Good! I am very happy there! Better than here!"She then said,"Ai yah! You don't be like that can? After you left, she also ask alot about you from Esther". I then said sacasticly,"Oh is it? I thought that she doesn't like me very much?"She shook her head and said,"As long as you are happy in your new job then okay lor".

I then chose two earrings and ask Esther to purchase it for me. I then hang around there until closing time and went to meet Jia Xing and Sheryln at our usual huant. Initally I plan to go back with Esther but then it was a last minute meeting with them..sianz. When I saw Jia Xing, I was not very happy to see her. Cos of what she comment the other time. We then voice out our opinion about friendship and our expectations of each other. Esther is usually doing the peace-maker job..haiz..Esther, Xing ku ni le! Jia Xing was quite bothered by the fact that I am not that kinda friend that could sacrifice for friendship. She knows that I don't quite like her very much but at the same time, she doesn't want my dislike for her to become hatred. She has seen it herself and I believe most of my friends had somehow or another witness how my dislike for some people could become hatred overtime. It is either the problem had not been solved or that I had bear that incident in my mind for quite a long time and find it very difficult to forgive those who hurt me alot. Either by their words or by the things that they had done to me. This is also the reason why I HATE people to play pretendence to me! One thing is that I am a person who is lousy at pretending that the incident had never happened. But luckily, those who know me inside-out, could tell that there is something amiss or not quite right about me by just looking at my facial expressions or my actions towards them. Cos I am the kinda person, that if I don't like something about someone and that I don't wish to say it out, I will tend to keep it in my heart and slowly, when it accmelates, I will shock the people around me by suddenly "vacanoing" all the incidents out in just one shot and usually making the people involve speechless and shock. Especially if the incident has passed quite a long time ago and that I never voice it out until then. Esther and Sheryln wants us to solve our disagreements as soon as possible as they do not want the history to repeat itself(They should know what had happened before).

After some time, we finally clear our disagreements and I feel that both of us are wrong in this situation. We had since apologised to each other. She had learnt where friendship stands in my life and she is quite disappointed. Sorry but after being hurt from too many incidents, I had retreat back into my own world and the "door" in my heart has since closed and shut tightly. I had swear never to open that door of mine for the third time. I used to trust people too much to the extend that I got hurt quite badly in life - That was the first time I learnt to trust. After that the "door" in my heart has since close and I find it very difficult to trust. That is until my God-brother entered into my life and unknowing re-open that door of trust of my heart(that was the 2nd time I learnt to trust..or at least, he taught me to). Just when I had began to learnt to trust people all over again, I keep getting hurts from different people and eventually the person who re-open the door of trust of my heart, hurt me too deeply instead by piercing knife into my heart with his words. Since that incident, I then told myself that I would never ever trust again for the third time! Even though I had forgive him of that incident that he unknowing hurt me, but still I couldn't forget the words that he ever said to me.

No no no..I am not blaming him or whatever now. No matter what, I thank him from the buttom of my heart for the days that he had showed me how to trust people. But I am sorry that I could no longer hold the door of my heart open ever again. I had hurt the people around me by being what I used to be but I am very sorry. Maybe, someday, someone could open the door of trust again..which I guess it's extremely difficult.

I guess I had to end here for now. Will blog again some other time. Anyway, if you know who you are, I just wanna tell you that, It's not your fault. I had chose this way myself cos of fear. Anyway, I just wanna say "Thank You" for the things that you had done to brighten my life and "Sorry" that I had to chose this way...

Service

This morning I went to work as usual and there are some things that Dr.W said to me, I felt quite upset. I didn't say anything for the rest of the day and my mood was quite low after she said that. I understand that she is a straight-forward person. So I don't blame her or anything.

During service, I didn't really sing the praise and worship cos I have some worries that I couldn't let go of. Jeff brought his Mum to service and we then try to talk to his Mum. After that I went for fellowship and Bible Study. Jonathan notice that I am not in my usual self and keep asking me what happened? I then told him,"Nothing. It's just that I have some worries on my mind". I then went and bought a new Bible cos I like the color very much. Anyway it's a different version of the current Bible I am carrying now. So I don't feel that it's a waste of money.

We then went to TBP and eat KFC. I then bought cheese fries but I couldn't finish it and ask Jonathan to share with me. Sorry Jonathan..didn't mean to make you so full. After that I bid them goodbye and went to take a bus home. I prefer to take bus than MRT after an incident happened once when I was in a MRT quite a long time ago. After that I became sort-of "racist" towards certain racial groups just because of that incident and avoid taking trains whenever possible(I used to carry a pen-knife for this purpose). Hmm..I guess I had certain weird ways of solving problems. Hahaha.

so sad

This morning I went to work quite early to get everything done. Regina was very surprise to see me in the clinic and ask what time did I reach the clinic? I replied,"9.02am"and she raise her eyebrowns and said,"So early?" Haiz..Kiasu mah. Cos I scared that Dr.W will be there earlier than me. Anyway dunno who is the person who wants me to be there by 9am but in the end she herself is late. KNS! But I always wonder this question in my mind,"How come I am the only one who came early to work but yet end my work quite late?" Not fair! But still I didn't write overtime on my time street. I purposely write the time I am suppose to come in and suppose to knock off. But I don't think the doctors will notice as I never complain to them about this before.

After that I then went home and get change and took a short nap before I went to Bukit Batok to visit my friend, Rozita. As she was busy serving customers, I then went to visit a "friend". When I saw her, I had a mix feelings of happy and heartbroken. I am happy that I can get to see her finally. But I am very heartbroken by....well I don't wish to say. She then ask me alot of questions. A few of it I couldn't answer. She doesn't seems to be listening to me when I am talking to her. But seriously, I don't blame her for treating me this way since I let her down so much. After that we then spend time "alone" which I am quite happy. When I was about to go off, she bid me goodbye. I really don't wish to go. The way that she bids me makes me cry. I didn't cry infront of her. But I cried when I was on the way to meet Rozita(Those who know who she is...don't tag in my tagboard)

After meeting Rozita, I then went to walk around West Mall. I really hate it when the sales assistants of certain shops, followed me around when I am looking at things. I finally found the things I always wanted in a shop! But I felt very sad that I couldn't find Sasa shop. There is something I wanted to buy there. But I can't state here what is the thing that I wanted. In case my friends went to buy for my birthday present. No no no! Haha..if you want, you can guess :P

I then saw a high-heel shoes that I have always looking for. But sadly, the material is not what I wanted. Hopefully the high heel shoes I have in my mind won't hurt my feet. Cos usually if I wore high heel shoes for quite a long period of time, my feet will hurt. My god-brother witness it before so I think he should know.

I think I have to end here for now. Will blog again some other time. Take care folks!

I don't want to...Help!

Yesterday night when I was about to sleep, Kenneth called me. I really don't understand why even after I had told him what I wanted to say long time ago, he still do not understand. After that I give him a breakdown of what and why I don't like about him. But from the way he protest, I don't think that he really understand the reason why I leave him. Sianz..I told him that I am very tired of continuing to explain to him.

After chatting for quite some time, he too, also comment that I have changed. What exactly did I change?! Why Nor and him said exactly the same thing? He said that I have changed too much to the extend that it is not the same "me" that he knew. Haiz..I don't know. Maybe. I have just learnt that guys can be great liars some times.

After that he has another phone call and put me on hold. While I was on hold, I then hang up the phone(Haha! Very bad hor?) I then went to sleep. But this morning, he SMS me again asking me to give him a chance. Help!!! Haiz..If I want to terminate my line, I can. As my contract is already 2-and-a-half years old. But I just don't think that it is the right time to terminate yet. Worst! He is in the sunday service in the same church as me!!! KNS! I finally located his cell group and cell group leader's name. Initally I thought that he lied to me as I couldn't find the cell group leader's name as he claimed. But after scanning certain details that he said, I finally found his cell group leader and the cell group's holding place! KNS! Remind not to go to cell groups in Tampines the next time round! I don't wanna see him!

I think next time if I ever can't attend Saturday service, I will attend sunday service through internet. I know this sounds real stupid. But that's my only way of avoiding someone. Haha! Heard on the news that Rooney can't play for the world cup as he is injured. Haiz..Rooney! You have a great rest and recover soon okay? I'll wait till the day for your return to the soccer court!

I guess I will end here for now..quite a "bo liao" blogging again..haiz...

Lousy Pianoist

This morning I tried playing the piano but my mind was in a blank. I then played the only two songs that I am familiar with. But still I do not know how to play "Tong Hua". There is also another song I am trying very hard to play(cos I never learnt music in my life before). It is my childhood favourite song. It is still my favourite song in my life but sadly, I didn't hear that song anymore. I remember a long long time ago, for those who are born in the 1980's and have watch Japanese Drama before, maybe you will know what is the song. The Drama title is "101 の.."and I like the theme song very much. It is played by piano. But too bad I could no longer find that song anymore. If anyone has the CD of that song, do you mind selling it to me? Cos I am looking for that song since childhood.

I then went to work and do alot of cleaning up. The cleaning already drain half of my energy away. After that I then sat at the reception counter and stare blankly at the computer. Going through a list of appointments for the day..Haiz..quite busy for today.

I then went to buy lunch with Kat and we eat in the store room. After that she went to take a short nap while I play games on my hp. Very boring! After that we then continue our work and Kat teach me things on the computer. She ask me to be more confident of myself as I seems to be very nervous in everything I do.

After she knock off. I then continue to work and stay with Dr.W. She made me clean up all over again. Haiz...no choice. Quite tiring. After that I then went home.

Labour Day

I woke up quite late today. Woke up at 12.30pm. Haha! It's my first time that I ever woke up so late. I then slack at home and my Mum ask me whether I want to go shopping with her at Hougang Mall? I agreed and get change to follow her for shopping.

When we reach there, we saw a small shop selling clothes and there is a piece of clothing that caught my eye. The design is quite smiliar to what Sylvia usually wear. But I really like that piece of shirt. Haiz..but I think I must slim down a little more as I don't look really good on the cloth itself. But I really like it. My Mum bought it for me anyway(Thanks Ma! You're the best!) She then think for quite a long time before purchasing a shirt to match the clothe I am eyeing. KNS! Dress like sylvia! But hey! I am not copying her style of dressing okay? It's just that I felt that the shirt is very nice and I like it very much. Maybe it will make me more girly? My Mum complain that I've been a tom-boy too much and she is very glad that I have finally change my style of dressing a little.

We then went to C.O.A.X and I saw a very long jacket that's very nice. She said I can wear it when I go to karaoke sessions with my friends. Erm..I will wear it. But I am very scared that my friends will say that I wear till very "Kua(1) Zhang(1)". Spend quite alot of money on only a few pieces of clothes. Although it is not my own money but still I feel very heartache for it. We then went to Kopitiam and my Mum ordered curry fish head to eat. After that we then ordered drinks and chat about clothes while drinking. Haiz..it has been far quite a long long time since I last had dinner and shopping with my Mum.

We then went for window shopping for a little while and head back home. She then help me to pack my room and took out all the clothes that I no longer wear it or seldom wear it. Wah! I don't know that I have so many clothes that I no longer wear?! Haiz..I guess it has been a long time since I pack my wardrobe. I think it is also time that I change my style of clothing. Luckily my Mum is quite girly in her younger days. So she knows how to pick clothes well. I think alot of my friends will agree that my Mum is more fashionable than me when it comes to clothings? Haha!

Haiz..have to start work tomorrow morning. Don't feel like going back to work :P I think I have to end here for now. Will blog again some time.