Dislike became hatred

This morning, I went to meet Angel to pass her the classified jobs from CHC. We then went to Bugis for a walk but I couldn't find the push-cart that sells the socks type of hp pouch. I wonder where is it located? We then went to Pasta Mania and chat. After that we walk around at Suntec for awhile before we proceed to Harbour Front. I am broke after purchasing two books from the Life bookshop.

When we reach there, Esther was very surprise to see me. Ya Cin then ask how am I in my new job and I replied,"Good! I am very happy there! Better than here!"She then said,"Ai yah! You don't be like that can? After you left, she also ask alot about you from Esther". I then said sacasticly,"Oh is it? I thought that she doesn't like me very much?"She shook her head and said,"As long as you are happy in your new job then okay lor".

I then chose two earrings and ask Esther to purchase it for me. I then hang around there until closing time and went to meet Jia Xing and Sheryln at our usual huant. Initally I plan to go back with Esther but then it was a last minute meeting with them..sianz. When I saw Jia Xing, I was not very happy to see her. Cos of what she comment the other time. We then voice out our opinion about friendship and our expectations of each other. Esther is usually doing the peace-maker job..haiz..Esther, Xing ku ni le! Jia Xing was quite bothered by the fact that I am not that kinda friend that could sacrifice for friendship. She knows that I don't quite like her very much but at the same time, she doesn't want my dislike for her to become hatred. She has seen it herself and I believe most of my friends had somehow or another witness how my dislike for some people could become hatred overtime. It is either the problem had not been solved or that I had bear that incident in my mind for quite a long time and find it very difficult to forgive those who hurt me alot. Either by their words or by the things that they had done to me. This is also the reason why I HATE people to play pretendence to me! One thing is that I am a person who is lousy at pretending that the incident had never happened. But luckily, those who know me inside-out, could tell that there is something amiss or not quite right about me by just looking at my facial expressions or my actions towards them. Cos I am the kinda person, that if I don't like something about someone and that I don't wish to say it out, I will tend to keep it in my heart and slowly, when it accmelates, I will shock the people around me by suddenly "vacanoing" all the incidents out in just one shot and usually making the people involve speechless and shock. Especially if the incident has passed quite a long time ago and that I never voice it out until then. Esther and Sheryln wants us to solve our disagreements as soon as possible as they do not want the history to repeat itself(They should know what had happened before).

After some time, we finally clear our disagreements and I feel that both of us are wrong in this situation. We had since apologised to each other. She had learnt where friendship stands in my life and she is quite disappointed. Sorry but after being hurt from too many incidents, I had retreat back into my own world and the "door" in my heart has since closed and shut tightly. I had swear never to open that door of mine for the third time. I used to trust people too much to the extend that I got hurt quite badly in life - That was the first time I learnt to trust. After that the "door" in my heart has since close and I find it very difficult to trust. That is until my God-brother entered into my life and unknowing re-open that door of trust of my heart(that was the 2nd time I learnt to trust..or at least, he taught me to). Just when I had began to learnt to trust people all over again, I keep getting hurts from different people and eventually the person who re-open the door of trust of my heart, hurt me too deeply instead by piercing knife into my heart with his words. Since that incident, I then told myself that I would never ever trust again for the third time! Even though I had forgive him of that incident that he unknowing hurt me, but still I couldn't forget the words that he ever said to me.

No no no..I am not blaming him or whatever now. No matter what, I thank him from the buttom of my heart for the days that he had showed me how to trust people. But I am sorry that I could no longer hold the door of my heart open ever again. I had hurt the people around me by being what I used to be but I am very sorry. Maybe, someday, someone could open the door of trust again..which I guess it's extremely difficult.

I guess I had to end here for now. Will blog again some other time. Anyway, if you know who you are, I just wanna tell you that, It's not your fault. I had chose this way myself cos of fear. Anyway, I just wanna say "Thank You" for the things that you had done to brighten my life and "Sorry" that I had to chose this way...