Saturday 26/8/2006

On Saturday, I woke up at 3pm and was late for service. Was chatting with a new friend over the phone until 4 plus am the night before and finally get to sleep. I then quickly rush for service. The sermon for that day was alright. Talk about marriage again for this week.

After service, Bro.Khai ask us not to run away and stay for fellowship as he will be joining us. But I have to meet a friend to pass her something and later have to meet a new friend around my area so I leave the hall. I tried calling HuiYi and Lorraine to tell them that I have to leave but none of them pick up my call. -_-" HuiYi then called me back to ask where am I and I told her that I have left the church to meet my friend. She said,"Huh? Bro is fellowshipping with us leh! Such a rare opportunity and you leave?!" I apologise to her and luckily she was understanding.

Met Edmund for the first time around my area and he brought me to Holland Village to walk around. He was surprise that I never went to Holland before even though I stayed near there. Cos I didn't explore around the neighbourhood much. He then called me a "Sua Ku". After that he bought 3 Volka and ask me to choose. I told him since he is paying then he should choose the drinks. We then walk around the area and I was very surprise that there are pubs around Holland! I ask him if there is any ladies' nite at the pub and he said he doesn't think so. Haiz...or else I have a new place for me to drink le :( then no need to go to DXO to drink.

We then sat at a void deck near my place and he teach me how to play hand games. Oh! Now I know how to play le! But then...I keep on losing and he said loser must drink a sip of the drink. Haiz..in the end, guess who drink ALL THREE BOTTLES of the Volka? Me! Cos I don't know how to play the game he is playing and my reaction is quite slow. He only lose once and drink a sip. By the 3rd bottle, I told him that I cannot take it and felt very giddy. I tried to sleep at the table but he keep shaking my arm and said,"Oei! Don't sleep leh! Wake up! Still left half of the contents only! Oei! Ki Lai!!!(Wake up in hokkien). We then continue with the game till I told him that I really cannot take it. I had a feeling of vomiting but when I do, nothing comes out. He said,"Wah liew! Lan leh ni! Drink abit only and you seh already? Mei yong!" He then send me to the foot of my block and left.

When I reach home, I am still clear enough to play msn. Edmund was online and ask me how am I feeling? The other time, he called me "Mei"(God-sister) out of no reason and now he said that he don't want me to be his God-sister. I was puzzled. It's hard to read guy's mind..really! Don't understand what he is thinking.

I think I'll stop here for now. Will blog again some time....

Poem for the Holy Spirit

You pull me up when the world pulls me down
You are the light when everything seems dark
You encourage me when there's no hope
You showed me how to care when everyone leaves

You comfort me when I am sad
You console me when I am heart broken
You heal me when I am sick
You heal my wounds when I am hurt

You hear my cries when there's too much to bear
You wipe away my tears when no one cares
You walk with me when the journey seems long
You carried me when I had given up
You shared my joy when I am happy
You shared my woes when I am down
You knock on my door to apologize
Even when I am the one who is wrong

Words cannot express how I feel
Roses cannot express my love for you
Thank you for being there for me
Thank you for everything that you gave
I love you Holy Spirit
With all my heart and my soul
For the Love that you gave
Worshipping you till the end

Poem written by: Juliet Li

Prisoner of my own world

Kids laughing and playing at the playground
Adults chatting and enjoying each other's company
Lovers taking long strolls holding each other's hands
and Friends gather around to chat like there's no end

Looking out of my window

I could only see

a life I've dreamed of
how I wanted it to be

Life seems so carefree
for they live without worries
For them, life seems the same
looking forward to a new beginning.
The sun shines on my face

it's rays are piercing though my eyes

I'm nothing but a prisoner of my own
in my small little world where I belong
Tears flows from my eyes
I could only watch

as the world gone by

Looking up at the clear blue sky
where the birds are flying high
Within the clouds I see
a rainbow's shine
smiling across the sky

As the wind breeze across my face
a sense of comfort I felt within
I smiled at the clear blue sky
from the prison of my little world
Where I belong...

Poem create by: Juliet Li

Friend + Music

On Sunday afternoon, I meet up with Esther and Jia Xin for outing. I was late for about half-an-hour or so..cos went home to sleep for an hour before going to meet Esther. My eyes still very tired...keep wanting to shut. This is the result of not getting enough sleep.

When I finally met Esther we then went to walk around and finally met Jia Xin. We then window shop for awhile before eating at a restaurant. I sort of regretted bringing them there to eat later on cos Esther complained that the chicken chop was very hard and very difficult to cut. Haiz..okay okay. My fault. After we had finish our food, we then chat for a long while. Talking about someone. Thinking about it, it's quite confusing. One moment she did this and the other moment, after the things had happened(and it was what she wanted it to happen in the first place!)she was sulking and hating the people around her. I was thinking,"KNS lah! ***!(Vagular word) What the hell are you thinking man?! Isn't this what you wanted it to be happened in the first place?! Then now after it has happened and you sulk and hate JiaXin! Siao bo?!" We then talk about her "kindness" towards us as she had claims it. I then comment straight-forwardly to Esther and Jia Xin,"Seriously speaking hor, I don't know is it that I am hard-hearted or what lah. But I really CANNOT SEE the kindness that she had claimed that she had done towards me. Or maybe that I am what you all called,"Mei Liang Xing"." I then ask is it true that she had done things that help them or in the sense that she really sacrifice for our friendship as she had claim? Jia Xin said,"Erm..I think it's not only you who cannot see lor. If you called yourself "Mei Liang Xing" and cannot see the things that she had done hor, then I tell you seriously now that even I also cannot see the things that she claims that she had done for me lor" I was surprise that Jia Xin said that! Cos from the first time I knew her till now, she is more soft-hearted than me in alot of ways and she is very merciful and forgiving in lots of ways than me. Now that even Jia Xin thinks the same way about her like me, I really have nothing to say.

I then clarify something that I accidentally overheard her commenting about Jia Xin with Esther is it true that it is what I have heard? Or is it that I heard it wrongly? Infront of Jia Xin. Cos I really have nothing to hide. Why dare to comment her and don't dare to say it infront of her right? This is also what I want my friends to do to me. If you dare to comment about me behind my back, PLEASE have the guts to tell me straight in my face! Don't ever backstab me! If I found out that you backstab me, you'll be sorry and don't ever expect me to forgive you so easily if I were to find out!

Esther look at me stunned and said,"Ya. You heard it right. You didn't hear it wrongly. She did say that about Jia Xin". Esther said my ears are very sharp and ask how is it that I can hear it when we walk quite a distance from each other? I seriously don't know. I really thought that I heard it wrongly since she said it so softly. I really heard her saying something negatively about Jia Xin but I just want to double-confirm am I hearing wrongly? I said to Esther,"Or else why do you think I suddenly turn my head around and look at the both of you? Cos I heard her saying something about Jia Xin and I thought I had heard it wrongly since both of you are walking so far behind me" JiaXin then shook her head and said,"Nevermind lah. It's her mouth lah. She wanna say what she say lor".

I am very disappointed with her(that someone). Really disappointed. But at the same time I do not know how to comfort JiaXin. After we send Jia Xin off, I then walk around alittle with Esther and we then took a train back home.

Yesterday(Monday), I bought a new CD "Piano Spa 2" the songs inside are very nice and smoothing. Could calm the nerves down. I then chat with a guy called Alex in my msn. Initially I couldn't remember him and ask how did he get my email address to add me? He said he has change his email address and I was in his previous msn list so he just add me although he had no impression who am I? We then re-intro and I ask him is his previous msn address "WZ17..." He said yes. Oh! I remembered who is he le! :P He somehow remembered me but had no recollection of our previous chats. When I saw his photo in friendster, my heart was broken. It is not his looks that made my heart broke. It was his eyes. I then told him that his eyes look exactly like my first love's. The eyes that I would never ever forget in my life. That is the eyes what I meant by "Fierce look but with Gentleness within it". My first love's eyes was like his. Seldom have guys that I came across have the eyes of my ex.

After that, I don't know why suddenly we became very silent. I listened to the music CD that I had just bought while thinking about the memories he has left for me. I couldn't help but thinking how is his health right now? Where is he? Has he found his true happiness yet? His health is one of the reasons why I couldn't really let go of him in my mind. I keep on wondering how did he develop Asthma since he was quite healthy when he was with me? But I had something else to forcus on right now, Holy Spirit and her. Don't wish to have anything to do with guys for now. Maybe someday, I will learn to love all over again but that would be extremely difficult.

WooHoo! Tokyo Drift!!!

Just came back home not long ago after watching mid-night movie with my friends - Tokyo Drift! WooHoo!!!! You Rocks!!!! Actually was quite guilty and quite pai seh...cos accidentally let Bro saw me in my angry state. Haiz...was quarreling with one of my friends on phone about a matter that really angered me. But after Lorraine talk to me about it, it made me think,"Ya. No point being angry over such things especially to people who do not understand!"

Haiz...If I know today's service going to make me cry, I shouldn't have come in the first place! But I want to listen to the marriage sermons. Little did I know that it would be something more. Lorraine then pat my hand like HuiYi did to me some time ago. I wonder.....erm...does she know what I am thinking about in my mind? HuiYi then turn and saw me crying. She should know why bah? HuiYi then told me something that shock me,"I have told Bro le". I was stunned when she told me that. I could not speak a word out but in my mind, I was thinking,"You..WHAT?!"I then thought to myself,"Oh no! No face to see him le. But so far he never said anything to me. Or maybe he wants me to speak to him about it? No I won't. Unless you come and confront me about it first.

The sermon today is quite confusing. About what equality, about what helper. I understand for some parts. There is a part, I feel like standing up and ask the Pastor, about the helping the husband to bring in income, I wanna ask,"What if the wife is a housewife role in the family? How can the housewife help the husband to bringing in income?" You get what I mean by this? Unless the wife is also working lah..but other than that, how can she help to bring in income if she is just a housewife? But none of his preaching for today answer this question in my head.

He then preach about God create women not to be rule over by men lah..not to be step over lah or whatever lah! In my mind, I was thinking,"Ya right man! As if!"Partly because I don't see this happening in my family. I almost cannot make it to church today because of some things happening at home. The worst thing is I couldn't do anything to help. My Mum pull me aside asking me to stay out of this cos she scared my Dad will vent the anger out on me. She said,"You forgot what happen when you were young and when your Dad quarreled with me? Cos he couldn't hit me..He knew he couldn't so? He vent the anger out on you! He hit you! Cos he couldn't lay a finger on me!"If I were younger, I will of course automatically step out of this. But now, I couldn't see any future in my life and I couldn't see that there's anything for me to live for anymore(if it wasn't for someone). He wanna beat, beat lah! I scared ah?! When I saw my Mum took a chopper, I then called HuiYi and tell her I couldn't make it for service today as something crops up at home. She said she will tell Bro and will pray for me..

Luckily my younger Brother is at home to stop the fight. He is always the peace-maker in the family. Without him, I couldn't imagine how the ending will be like? I dare not go out of the house as I scared something will happen but my Brother assured me that as long as he is there, nothing will happen. During the quarrel between my parents, he said something that makes me cry. I was deeply touch by his words. In my heart, I thank God for giving me such a wonderful younger Brother. But I regret how I used to treat him in the past. Luckily he is those forgive-and-forget kinda person and he don't harbor hatred. He's exactly like Nicholas - The Mr.Nice Guy. My brother then assured me,"Go for your service and don't worry about it. I can handle it here". After confirming everything is alright the time before I step out of the house, I then went for service, but with troubled heart.

After service, we went to fellowship for awhile and I overheard some bad news. I then remain silent thoughout as I keep thinking in my mind,"Am I one of them?"I do not know the whole story what happened. Cos no one tell me and I don't wish to probe.

I then went to meet my friend at Bugis. When I reach there, S was crying. I do not know what happened. When I arrive, Jia Xin then made an shocking annoucment that make me stunned for 2 minutes(some people call it "stone")I really do not know what to say lah. How come so many things happening all at the same time huh?! Feel that my world has been crush! She then ask am I alright? I told her,"You say leh!?" I then told her that I need some time to absort what she says. I then said to her,"I didn't even drink and you made me drunk now..by your words!"My friends don't get what I meant. It's like I've just recovered from hang-over, that same feeling! She said that she gather us tonight just to make this announcement. On one hand, I am happy for her lah..that she finally become normal person - not like me. On the other hand, I was shock about her sudden annoucement.(Vicente Kor, don't ask Jia Xin about this hor! Shhhh! Just keep quiet!)

We then went to buy the tickets for the movie. Wah! So late then start?! The show starts at 12.30am and we arrive at around 11pm or so. My friends then went to the arcade and request me to dance on the ParaPara cos they said they never see me dance for a long time. A group of Malay guys surround my favorite machine. I wait for them to move off first before I played the game cos I thought they wanna play but in the end they didn't. When I played, the Malay guys then siams away. I don't know why. I know I dance very lousy lah..don't like that lah. After I finish the game, my friends are nowhere in sight but I saw two girls sitting on a chair behind me - watching me played the game. -_-" Aiyah! Me play very lousy lah. Wanna see go and see those ParaPara experts dance, they dance more beautiful moves than me! Fail at the same stage - "Ultra High heels". Humph! One day I will master that moves! Quite complicated moves. But not as complicated than "Broken my Heart".

I went to play other games. Saw one of my childhood favorite game!!!! I still love the game though. That game has been around for 17 years of my life? Very rare that I could get to see the game in arcades. One day if I had lots of money, I wanna play that game and break all the stages! Of course I would be glad to have a "helper" helping me to break the stages together with me lah. Maybe I should call my ex-Manager along? He love arcade games. Heard that he is still single. Quite funny. A interesting guy like him still single? Or is he just plain picky? Don't get the wrong idea.

Did I wrote in one of my blog entries before? We used to be quite close but as friends. At work, of course I have to listen to his instructions but I was quite "pampered" by him. Maybe because we have the same interest. Everything was fine until colleagues started to misunderstand us as couple. Cos he used to ask me to wait for him after my work(I punch out at 3pm and he punch out at 6pm)so I end up always sitting at the table or doing free labour just to wait for him. I have nowhere else to go that time...cos I have walk almost the whole of Orchard Road everyday then till I am bored with it and don't know where to go. Aidah also ask me that time,"Eh, heard that you and B####### go steady ah? Is it true? You like B####### Sir?" I was surprise and angry. But though word of mouth, news began to spread and it gets worst. On that day when the restaurant was closing down, we are suppose to be allocate to other outlets to station there as permanent staff. I then told B I wanted to be op out from it and resign my job. He was surprise but did not say anything. I guess he knew the reason why. I don't want him to lose his job because of me. I heard that Managers are not suppose to date co-workers or the crews there. We are not dating! We are just friends who shared common interest! I almost lose a friend there because of different views about him. He has a habit of touching people's shoulders - To encourage them at work or just to console them. Actually I don't mind cos I see nothing wrong with that as I see it as a "buddy" reaction. But when he treated my supervisor the same way, my supervisor was not happy with it and cried. She said,"How can he touch me like that?! I can sue him for molest!" Maybe because I am used to be on the guys side. Meaning my behavior and etc are almost the same as a guy so I don't see anything wrong. He also touch my shoulder mah. But I didn't say anything. Aidah said that I am being open-minded and my supervisor is not as open-minded as me. Oh really? Okay lor...

But we haven't been contacting each other for a long time. He used to ask me out late at night to accompany him to play billiard but I reject him flatly until he got very upset. He don't know why I have changed. It's not that I have change but I do not know how to tell him that my then-bf doesn't like it when guys gets too close to me. He tend to be very processive of me. He almost beat one of my god-brother up just because my god-brother address me as "Dear" and also because of my then-bf I lose my God-brother just the snap of the finger. Thinking about it, I regret losing majority of my friends because of him. I thought it is a sacrifice I must made just to please him or see him happy. But now I regret. Especially after he suddenly began to hit me - more than three times on different occasions. I torlerated his hittings and verbal abusing for 2 and a half years until there comes a day where I couldn't stand it anymore, and told myself,"That's it! I want a break-up!"I was living in this way and he has hitted me countless times. I remembered there is one time I showed my friends the scar marks on my face and the bruises on my upper arms and they plead for me to leave him immediately. Of course, most of his friends who only saw his "nice" side, don't believe me even I had show them the scars and they insist that I bruise myself to accuse him! They cannot believe that he is such a person. Yes, he is a gentle person - when he is nice. But when he is angry, his true color shows out. I remember Esther said to me then,"Why ah, when you were in your Primary and Secondary school daze, majority of the boys scared of you. But now you are bullied by him?! Where is your then-reputation?!"I dare not hit him not because I love him. It's because he's a takuanto blue belt! His defense and attack are quite strong for me. If I hit him on one spot, he will hit me on multiple spots(I tried that so I know)!

Anyway to me, marriage course are not suitable for me. But I just went to listen to understand what marriage is all about? So far I have learn that to accept and to torlerate each other differences, and to become a Husband's helper instead of a competitor.

I think I have to end here. Have to get a quick nap for now.

???

Have you ever felt that there are times, something seems to be missing from your life and you don't know what is it? Or that you felt that you have come to the end of your life? I have been feeling this way just recently. A few days ago to be exact. Don't know why I have been feeling this way.

Went out for gathering with my CGM yesterday and it was a great gathering! Eat lots of food..oops! Going to get fatter again*crys* Initally wanted to go to MingZhe's place but he said that his car has not enough room for everyone..heard that it has two extra people. I then volenteer to be out lor. Didn't really want to go so badly lah. Cos I am joining for the sake of joining only. HuiYi then apologise to me and gave me a sad expression on her face. I assured her that it is really okay and ask her not to worry but still her face seems so sad that I couldn't go.

After they went off, I went into a nail salon to repair my nails. First time going into such place to get my nails done. Cos I normally do my nails myself but I find that my nails are quite croke and I really don't know how to fix or cut it so I ask for professional help. The person then serve me and keep massaging my hands, polish and trim my nails for me. HuiYi ask me not to visit such place so often as it will "spoilt"me and I will end up spending much more money to be "pampered"by the staffs there. Haha! Don't worry, I won't. Just that I am very fusturated looking at my nails so croke and don't know how to fix it myself. The place is much more cheaper than Clementi! It's town area somemore! Cos Clementi had opened a new nail salon but the price is quite steep.

I then lost my way within the shopping centre. Initally wanted to go to the MRT but don't know how to go. Why I keep losing my way these days? I walk around the shopping centres and went in to arcade to dance ParaPara 2nd mix. Failed by the 3rd stage! So malu! Lucky not many people watching me..if not no face to go back again. I wanted to play bowling but feel very strange to bowl alone. When I wanted to go and watch a movie, the movie treater queue is very very long! -_-" Public holiday mah...haiz..it's like that. I want to watch Tokyo Drift!!!! I love cars! Went in to a CD shop and bought Fast and Furious and Too Fast Too Furious VCD. Yeh! Have the VCD le! So happy! But I am broke again. I know..you all will say,"Huh?! So fast! You just got your pay leh!" Haiz..like that lor.

I then try to find my way out and eventually I manage to walk to CityHall MRT by 7.30pm. Wah! Stuck at the mall for 5 hours! Help! Why I always get lost? On the way home, my mind was thinking about some things and the more I think, the more depress I get.

One of my CGM, I accidently saw her left wrist have much deeper cuts than mine once. The cuts are more than mine. I wonder how she got the courage to cut herself so deep? I know how she feels cos I used to cut myself very often when I was in my Secondary School daze. But the scars are not so deep as hers. I know some people will feel very uncomfortable to see people cut themselves. But..let me explain something to you that shock you further more...When those people who are used to cut themselves, they do it not only because they are depress. After the cut, there comes pain right? But do you know, to me lah, after the pain, there comes a sense of relieve within oneself? Yes the problem remains unsolve there but somehow, the feeling after the pain gives me a certain kind of relieve from my pain from my heart. Ask those who cut themselves before, are they feeling this way or is there some kind of feeling that they cannot express it out by words? Is there some kind of "consolation" from the cut? Seriously I do not know how to explain the feeling I had after the cut. Yes it is very painful and it bleeds but it used to be my only way for me to cry it out and to vent out my anger, hatred and all the mix feelings I had in my heart when I had no one to talk to or that I had difficulty expressing myself about how I am feeling. But I do not know how and when I manage to grow out of it. I guess part of it is though blogging. Cos at least I can vent all my feelings here. I find one more thing that calms me down..very surprisingly is other's hugs. Those who do not know how to console people who cut themselves or have difficulty expressing yourself to others, give those who are sad, wounded or those who cut themselves, a hug..a geniune hug. Maybe it will console them this way. It works for me but I do not know whether this works for others. I learnt this kind of consoling through my younger brother. He once gave me a very big hug after I had a huge quarrel with my Mum and felt that no one understands me. I will remembered that day forever. He suddenly came into my room(I was crying looking out of my window)and call out to me and smiled at me. He then said,"Jie, Lai..big hug!"(Sis,come..big hug!)Surprisingly, I felt somewhat consoled by him. Although he never said anything to calms me down but though his hug I can feel his care and love for me. I do not know if it really works for others.

I guess by this blog you should know what I am thinking in my mind? But no, I won't do it. Takes alot of courage for me to do that. I will try to talk if I ever could eventually express myself well okay? Haha! No worries!

All the things she said...running though my head...

I don't feel so well these days. I mean emotionally unwell. A few days ago, when my supervisor come into my cubicle to talk to me about work, when she saw that I have a lot of medicines on my table scattering around, she was very surprise and worried at the same time. She was concern and ask how is my health going on? I told her I am fine and even joke with her that my desk is a mini-pamancy so if anyone is sick and needs medication can take from my desk. She then look very serious at me and didn't seem to find my joke funny at all.

As I also have diet pills and diet tea on my desk, she ask how long I have taken them and whether they are effective? She's very worried as she said I have too many kinds of medications on my desk. Erm? Many? Only medicines for sore throat, flu, fever and my diet teas. Together I have six different medicines on my desk and each of them have indiviual purposes. I seriously don't understand how come she gets overly-worried about it? She then shared with me some true story experiences that she saw from her close friends who are currently and used to be on these kinda sliming pills. A few of them even took sleeping pills.

She said that mostly, these kind of medications do not work and one has to take it for long term just to get it's "effectiveness". Some times, for life. She has witness how a few of her friends who took these kind of medicine, slim down only for a period of time but once they stop taking it, their weight bounce back and it was much worst than before. As they gain back double of what their previous weight. She said,"No wonder your concentration is so low and your mind can't function normally". She said usually people who are under this kinda pills, she has seen the same side effects. E.g, Forgetfulness(Told me one thing and I do the other or Told me something 5 minutes ago and after a while, I forgot about it completely. Low memory capacity), Low-concentration(Can't seems to concentrate on the things I do or things that she said). Food disorder(Some people will tend to over-eat while some, their body reject food completely till the stage where they become skin and bones but still could not eat a single food) etc etc.

I told her,"Mdm, don't scare me like that can or not?" She said she is not scaring me but it is what she really witness it from the friends around her, herself and how they become after taking all these pills. She ask if any of my friends complain about my health after I started taking diet pills? I then recall Esther(Ho LP), Jia Xin, Wendy, Ya Cin and Peter complain about how my health deteriote after I started taking those pills. Wendy notice after I took those pills, I started to fall sick easily and scared of cold. Ya Cin said I would some times take MC a little too often. Peter then said I look more paler than before(Ms.W also said this recently) and almost all of my close friends complain about my health too. But then, it didn't stop me from taking it cos I was thinking,"Ai ya! Can slim down can already lah." I once shocked one of my God-brother when he ask me how much weight I wanna slim down to? I remembered I replied him,"30Kg"and he stare at me with big eyes and said a loud,"Huh?!" I know it is really mission impossible lah but during that time I keep taking different kinds of diet products just to reach that target. Of course in the end I slimed down 5kg but the weight bounce back to me again. Didn't achieve my goal after all.(Don't know whether to Thank God for that?)He then complain that 30kg is way too thin for me then I said to him,"Okay okay 40kg"He said,"No! 50kg is enough!"(You should know which Kor you are) Cos I was thinking, the thinner the better mah. Easier to buy clothing leh.

Today, she came to my desk and look at my work. There is one assignment that I almost wanted to delete off and she said,"No! Not this one! You delete the other case yesterday remember? See lah! I don't care! You better stop taking all these diet pills! I want you to stop now! Your memory is getting very poor!"I then ask her,"Huh? Is it? But I haven't delete yet right?" She insist on saying,"You did! Just yesterday! Infront of me remember? I was sitting with you and you deleted that case infront of me! So fast you've forgotten?"She was getting very fustruated and I didn't say another word. I really cannot remember I delete any cases yesterday? Or..did I?

She then ask if I had taken the Slim10 pills? Luckily I didn't. Cos I didn't have any money to buy pills then. She said that Andrea De Cruz had liver damage(or something like that?)after taking those pills and luckily her boyfriend saved her by donating one of his liver to her. She said,"She can't be getting liver damage so fast. There must be certain side effects or symtoms before the real damage causes onto her but she didn't share that's all" I then wondered is that the real reason why one of my friend who introduce one of the slimming products that I used to take that costs me $300+ per month for the whole set, gain weight at a rapid speed? She used to look okay when we were in ITE but after we graduate and work in KFC together, she started to gain much more weight after taking some slimming pills. Her initial stages of weight-gaining was not so serious and I thought maybe it's all those fried food we have taken that causes her to gain weight.

But even after we have resign, and live different lives, we meet each other up once every year and surprisingly to me, she is getting more and more "plump"every year. This year when she ask to meet-up with me to pass me my birthday gift, I was very surprise that she said she don't want to go out and ask me to go to her place to collect my gift. I thought of nothing at first and went to her place but when I saw her I really got the shock of my life! She is no longer the small size Aidah that I used to know. She has gained so much weight that I really cannot recongise it's the same Aidah that I had known in my ITE daze. I had a mix feeling of surprise, sad and heartache when I saw her like this. The slimming tea I am taking now is actually recommend by her as she claims it help her to lose 3kg per month. I then told her I'll give it a try till the packet finishes. If it doesn't work then I move on to other products. If other products also didn't work, then I'll give up totally on those dieting teas/pills.

We then chat for awhile and we promise to meet each other next year and I really pray that hopefully when I saw her next year, she will at least slim down a little and not the other way round! Although we are friends for 5 years but still I dare not comment about her and ask her to stop cos I am afraid that it will bruise her ego and I am very scared that she'll become depress like me. No no..I don't want anyone to walk to path I am walking now. I just see how things goes and if she gain much more weight next year, I will really talk her out of it cos I can't bear to see her going on like this.(I know..some stupid friend I am right?)

I think I have to stop here for now. Really sorry for the very very long-winded blog these days. Sorry to have stain your eyes and tire you out(For those who find it tiring reading my long blogs).

4 things about me...

4 things about me

4 Names You Go By:
- Juliet <-- I prefer people to call me by this name - QiuFen
- Ah Fen
- My nickname = Blur Queen

4 Things That scares you:
- Cockroaches/Insects
- Darkness/Blackouts
- People approach me from my back
- Other people's blood

4 of your everyday essentials:
- Holy Spirit's presence
- Music
- Wallet with Money inside
- Mobile Phone

4 things you are wearing right now:
- Pajamas
- Earrings
- Bracelet
- Anklets

4 of your Favourite Bands/Musical Artist at the moment:
- Hillsong(WooHoo!)
- He Yao Shan(Yeah!)
- Delirious(Awsome!)
- Jeff Zhang Xin Zhe(Best!)

4 Favourite Songs At The Moment:
- Chong Kai Shi Dao Xian Zhai(Jeff Zhang Xin Zhe)
- Destiny
- Come, Holy Spirit(City Harvest Church)
- Great Is Our God

4 things you want in a relationship(other than real love):
- Faithfulness
- Trust
- Respect
- Understanding

4 truths:

- I am an impatient person and have low torlerance to people taking advantage of others

- I am a worrier(Sorry to say this but it is true..and I can't help it)

- I am a woman-of-few-words(I am really sorry If I always seems to be very quiet)

- I am a straight-forward person

4 physical things that appeal to you(In the opposite sex):
- Their eyes
- Their Gentlemen behaviour(of cos some are faking it)
- Their Smile(I like it when a guy smiles)
- They'll definitely win my heart if they know how to cook

4 of your favourite hobbies:
- Bowling
- Singing
- Watching race cars
- Hanging out with friends

4 things you want really badly:
- A Car of my own(Subaru WRX)
- Nokia N90
- Mp3 player
- A cross necklace that I like

4 Places you want to go on vacation:
- England!!!(Hopefully can go to London)
- Australia(I want to explore all the places there)
- Hong Kong(Shopping Spee!)
- Europe

4 things you want to do before you die:
- Watching her be the kind of girl I would like her to be
- Treasure my last moments with my friends
- Tour around the world(Mission impossible)
- Get to race in a race car on street racing(WooHoo!)

4 Ways that you are stereo-typically a dude/chick:
- I paint my nails
- I played street soccer
- I don't wear skirts(Am I consider a dude this way? Haha!)
- I dare to climb up and down in things that seems a little high

4 things you are thinking about now:
- Her
- Money
- My first ex-boyfriend
- What am I going to do when my contract ends?

4 Stores you shop at:
- Ice Lemon Tea
- Montip
- Watsons
- Sambawang CD Shop

Things about me?

Copied this list from my God-brother:

My Favourite -

Colours: Red, Baby Blue, Red, Yellow, Pink and Black

Food: Almost anything

Song: English, Chinese, Dance Techno, Worship, Punk Rock and certain RnB songs

Movie: Titanic, All movies acted by Lindsay Lohan, Too Fast Too Furious, Torque, Initial D, All movies by Jack Neo and those street gangs movie

Sport: Soccer, basketball, Bowling, cycling, Ice-skating etc

Day of the week: Saturdays

Seasons: Summer, Spring and autumn

Ice-cream: Any Flavour

Current -
Mood: Sleepy
Taste: Anything sweet
Clothes: spaghetti straps and Jeans
DeskTop: Windows XP
Time: 8.35pm
Surroundings: Home..in my living room
Annoyance: People who hurt me and wounded my heart deeply

First -
Best Friend: Mooi Kit Yin and a mute friend of mine whom I had lost contact
Crush: Primary 5(William Yip CC)
Movie: Titanic
Lie: Primary 4
Music: All Chinese songs sang by my Mother :)

Last -
Cigarette: A few months ago in 2006
Drink: Red Wine
Ride: Taxi (CityCab)
Movie: Horror Movie by Hong Kong directors
Call: HuiYi
CD: Hong Jun Yang

Have you ever -
Date one of your best friends: No
Being arrest: Nearly
Skinny-dipped: No but I would like to try one day :P
Been on TV: Yes
Kiss someone you don't know: Yes(When I was drunk???)
4 things you did today: Call people, SMS, attending CHC anniversary Service and Singing Praise and Worship
Sounds you can hear right now: The TV show in my living room

City Harvest 17th Anniversary

Slept only 3 hours last night. Went home quite late after Andrew's birthday. He said that I am anti-social cos I sit by myself alone and didn't talk to any of his friends and family. But..it is the very first time I met his friends and they are all those "Ah Lians" and "Ah Bengs" type lor! I then notice that all his friends, including him and his girlfriend, were all wearing Black for that day. I wonder is it a dress code for them? I dare not talk to them as they seem very unfriendly and vulgar. If I am still in my secondary school daze, I would have mix with these kinda people. Cos I don't see anything wrong with it..during that time, the "me" was thinking,"We are all humans mah! Just that we are a bit rough and vulgar that's all". But somehow as I grew up, that part of my thinking changed. Especially some awful incidents happened to me when I mix with those kinda people years ago. I will always and forever remember a particular incident, where the "friend" that said she will protect me if anything were to happened to me, and beat up those who wanted to bully me then. But in the end when it really happens, look who's the one who runs away and left me behind FIRST?! That time, I was thinking,"Wah Piang eh! Ah ni kuan eh sister?! KNS lah! Ki Si lah!"(Ki Si as in Go and die..not angry). Saying what Loyalty! The way they behave makes me think alot of my past. A past that I don't wish to go back. Although I didn't paid too high a price for it, I seen people getting killed in Gang crush or fights, but still it is enough for me to turn my head away from these people. I was an extreme attention seeker then but in the end I paid a heavy price for that attention seeking and I had regretted since then. They said,"A moment of folly, a lifetime of regret" I am in one of these category. So if you feel that I am very "lian" in my language. I do hope you'll forgive me. It's very hard for me to change and it has become part of my character.

We then help Andrew to celebrate and cut the cake. I didn't take any pictures though he invite me to take with him. Don't want lah! I hate taking photographs actually cos I always look v.ugly in them. His friends most come in motorbikes. Their bikes are very cool! The ones which I long to ride on. I then sit at a corner and admiring their bikes. How I wish I could have a ride on the motorbike just once in my lifetime. His birthday celebration is Buffet type. I only eat a little and Andrew complain,"Why take so little? Take more lah! If not I go and take for you hor"I shake my head and reject his offer. I am starting to get sick of buffet style food. Maybe because recently I have been to too many friend's birthday and they uses the same style for celebration. Some times, when you go to your friends birthday party and they all uses the SAME type of celebration, you'll get sick of it. I was initially hoping that he will have a barberque but he said it is too expensive. Haiz...

At the end of the celebration, his friends all left and left a few of them. Andrew state beforehand not to sabotage him as he have no extra clothes. His family members, relatives and a few of his friends then use the remaining cake to sabotage Andrew. The way Andrew look with cake being smooch all over his face was very funny. I laugh and laugh and Andrew point at me saying,"Wah! Le Ho! Chio! Chio! Wait I smooch the cake on your face then you know"(Wah! You good! Laugh! Laugh! Wait I smooch the cake on your face then you know)I then bleh at him and he smile. His friend then challenge him to drink 22 glasses of red wine mix with other berverages. He said,"Wah Lao! 10 eh sai lah! 22 buay sai lah! Siao bo?"(Wah Lao! 10 can lah! 22 cannot lah! Siao bo?)He face turn very red after about 8 glasses of red wine and the remaining ones he ask his gf to drink it up for him. I was thinking,"KNS! Bo yong! Kio le eh bor lim"(KNS! Useless! Call your gf to drink for you). We had alot of fun although I keep watching them and didnt do anything. Reach home in the wee hours of the morning and took a quick nap before HuiYi called me to ask me to queue for service.

I tried taking bus no.14 to get there but it didnt seem to reach the place and in the end I got lost around Terah Merah area and took a train to kallang and walk all the way to the stadium. I still got lost on the way to the stadium cos the signs made me v.confusing. In the end, I took around 2 - 3 hours to get there.

This time, the queue was very long and it's NOT moving! Unlike the one I go for the Frestival of Praise, although the queue was long but at least it was moving. When I queued half-way, HuiYi ask me to pick Sandy. I said "Excuse me", the first time to a group of people surround me(I was near the exit)and they didn't move. I thought they didn't hear me so I said louder,"Excuse Me"then 1 of them saw me but still don't move and don't give way to me. I then got mad and thought,"KNS lah! Siam leh!"This time I was really angry and shout,"EXCUSE ME!"for the third time but still they don't give way! I then got fed up and elbowed them on the ribs on my way out. For my friends who used to hear me shout before, you should know how loud is my voice when I shout right? Imagine after I shout and they still didn't move, how do you think I feel? Feel like punching them on the face and step onto them! But I know I can't lah. I know I am in the wrong lah but who ask them to block my way and refuse to let me out? Don't know they deliberately block my way or what! I said "Excuse me" three times and each time I said, I said it louder and louder till heads are turning to look at me(so u can imagine how loud I shout)but still those idiots don't wanna give way! I hate it!

HuiYi and I then fetch Sandy to the service. This time, I was surprise that the Pastor said,"Sorry to say, now what you are seeing now, although it is FULL HOUSE here, it is only HALF of our church population. The remaining half are stuck outside of the stadium and can't come in"I was thinking,"Wow! Only half of our church members and it's already full house?!" I really cannot imagine what is the exact number of people in church. Heard that it is more than 20 000 people! Wow! 20 000! That's alot of people! The slide show then show us how CHC has grown over the past few years from 200 people to 2000 people till the current 20 000 people. The show where CHC was first built on. I then recongise the old Hollywood threater as that is exactly the place where I first get to know CHC then through some school mates. I miss those days where we jump while singing praises and you can hear the ground go,"Brom brom brom"each time we jump. Those old members of CHC or those who grew up with CHC long before me or with me during the same time of the year should know the feeling and amosphere during those times. I was scared that time that the upper landing of the building will collaspe anytime if we jump too hard and because my ex-CG(W99)was always station below the balcony so you can imagine how my heart beats whenever I sit together with them. After that we then move to the church at Boon Lay and my ex-CG was dismiss during that time. Anyway I was not affected cos I backslide even before they are dismissed due to some reasons which I cannot state here.

I then got to know HuiYi when I was working at Taka and she once mention to me she can't work on Saturday as she has service to attend. I was not so close to her then. I then ask her,"Are you from CHC?"I remembered her reaction was v.surprise and ask me,"How do you know?"I then smiled at her and I think I said,"I guess so"and I told her I used to be from that church. She then invite me to the Jurong West building and a part of me was glad that I am back. Then the rest is history.

The preaching was great and so does the performance. When the Breakdancers and especially B-boxing guys came in to B-box, I then look at JingXian for awhile before turning back to the show. Cos that was his favourite. Then...something made me cry after that. The Pastor then invite those kids who are a few months old and ask the church to lay hands on them and we said a prayer for their parents and the babies. When Pastor ask the parents to lift their babies up for us to see, I cried immediately when I see the babies(Don't ask me why I cry)HuiYi then comfort me by touching my hand and nod her head. But still I keep on crying and luckily she is the only one who notice it. My heart then weigh very heavily and I felt very low.

But my mood changes after some songs and I felt okay after the service. Wanted to attend the service at night but I am broke now. Transportation cost alot these days. I feel like buying a car but it will be very expensive. Furthermore, I have no licence to drive. After that, He(*Ahem!)then send HuiYi, Sandy and me to Wisma Atria by cab. HuiYi ask if I still had feelings for him? I told her that only a tinnie winnie bit(and I really mean very tinnie winnie bit cos I find myself liking girls more now)Please don't be shock okay? and don't give me that kinda look can or not? I am sorry..although yes God has healed my heart and healed me, but sorry to say, I can no longer trust guys anymore no matter what. I tend to doubt the words they say now. Unless there is really a miracle that somewhere out there, there is a guy who loves me with all his heart and accepts my past and could made me really fall in love again, or else, haha...you know?

Getting very tired and my eyes are quite heavy. Going to sleep soon. Bye! Will blog again next time!

Yeh! Singapore Indoor Stadium!

Yesterday after work, I quickly rush to Kallang to meet my CGM for the Festival of Praise Service. It was my first time going there. When I reach Kallang MRT station, I saw alot of people waiting for the chartered bus and I squeeze my way in, hopefully to get a seat but to my disappointment, I didn't get any. But I felt good cos at least I could manage to get into the bus, I am okay with it. I then stood right at the end of the bus and when a guy saw me, he strain his eyes to look at me and the sister beside him ask,"Why? You know the girl?" He then replied quite loudly that I could hear,"No, but she looks very familiar. Don't know where I had seen her before". He then strungs his shoulders and chat with the sister. I was thinking,"Excuse me, Do I know you? Don't think that I have seen you before" Or maybe it could be that I look alike of someone he knows. The bus was very cramp and I felt very uncomfortable standing near a brother who stood quite close to me.

When I reach to the Singapore Indoor Stadium, I saw alot of people heading at the East entrance. But luckily the queue was fast. I keep cutting my way through hopefully to get to the front. When I reach the Indoor Stadium, I scan around the crowds to look for HuiYi. Amazingly, I saw her right at the front row and try to make my way there. Imagine I could see her immediately from the thousands of crowds there! I guess it's the Holy Spirit who helped me to look for her. She then called me to ask where am I and she is at the front row. I then said to her that I saw her already and trying to find the exit to get to the ground(Feel like jumping over the frence but I can't)

Esther then help me to look for a seat. I manage to sit together between her and Samuel. The service was awesome! I heard that over two hundred churches in Singapore are in this hall! Wow! 200 churches and it's all mix, Anglician etc! The stadium is almost full house by the time the service starts. The screen show the list of the churches that is in this hall right now but it flashes so quickly that I can't even get to read all of it. It was alot! I tried to search for the names of the churches that I used to attend but so far I can't find it. Have been to a few churches since young before I finally settle down at CHC. I heard from my friend that the NCC is almost the same as CHC and she encourage me to attend it one day. I wonder where is it located?

When the Pastor Preach about the word, seriously speaking, with his kind of English, I really can't catch most of what he is saying. He is from Agentina(Is it spell like that?)and the way he pronounce certain words, I can't seems to understand. I then scan around the crowds hoping against hope to spot someone but I guess I couldn't see him. I know he's from another church but I do not know which church he belongs to. We then join hands together with the Brothers and Sisters to pray. First time seeing a mass of people praying together in the same place although we are from different churches. I am really looking forward to The Festival of Praise 2007! Where we will once again gather together and Praise and worship the same God!

After that Bro talk to us for awhile before we are dismiss. Some of them wanted to go for supper and Esther said ask us to have supper together and she will pay for our cab fare home. I was thinking,"Wah! So good?"but too bad I am broke again. If not I will surely join them. Stupid Agency! Told me that the pay will be out but till now I have yet to receive my pay! I wanna complain!(Joking) My colleagues also not happy about it and ask me to call them to chase it. Why am I the only one who should call to chase? Why they don't wanna call to chase too? It's not only my pay you know? I think Jia Xin said to me before it is usually the accounts department to handle our payrolls and if they are slow or miss out our timesheet, then that's it! We won't be getting our pay. KNS! I wonder what are the accounts department doing?

I think I shall end here for now. Will be going to Andrew's Birthday celebration later. Will update again soon!

Hmmm...encouragement?

Recently, I got to know a new chat-game called "IMVU" though the internet. It is a 3D chat game that you can choose a "Avatar"and to chat with different kinds of people from all over the world. It works almost the same as our regular MSN chat but just that you can choose a character and chat at some scenes.

I had tried this game for a week and I am quite addicted to it. The reason is because, each time you chat with an "Avatar" or invite a friend to join you using this chat, you'll earn credits points which you can use it to buy things for your "Avatar". I find it quite interesting and fun and can played the game for hours(but of course I do set aside time for prayers and Bible reading. Cos I still want to know God all over again and to commuicate with the Holy Spirit more). I also make it a point that I will read at least one page of the Bible and to pray every night before I went to bed. So don't worry. No matter how tired I am, I told myself that I will make it a point to read minimum one page of the bible and to pray before I go to bed. Won't affect my spiritual life so bad right? Those who are interested to play this chat, can tag your email address at my tagboard and I will email the invitation to you. For my friends, you can either email me or SMS me if you also would like to play the game.

Yesterday night, I played the game as usual and the program found a guy to chat with me. I shall call him P. The guy is a Singaporean and he's 19yrs old. He said he'll going to be turning 20 this year. He study at a local Polytechnic and we chat alot of things to each other. He then invited alot of people to the scene and thus most of them create chaos at the scene. Erm..because of my "Avatar". Cos I dress my Avatar in a very sexy clothing that reveals most of her curves and the funny thing is that the 2 guys that P invited, fight over my Avatar. Cos both of them wanted her and trying all sorts of stupid actions to attract her attention. Hahaha! I thought it was fun at first but then things got out of hand when the both of the guys started to get things quite serious until they "fought" with each other repeatly and disrupt the whole chatting process. P and I tried to stop the fight but it end up worst instead. I then quickly exit the chat and P open another chat scene to apologise to me.

After that we continued chatting, this time without inviting anyone in anymore cos we are afraid that the same thing will happen again. We then exchange our friendster profile and when he saw my picture, he said,"Not bad what. Not as ugly as you had describe". I then told him the reason why I feel inferior since young and was being called all sort of nicknames that degrade me and affect my mentality and affected me quite bad psychologically, emotionally and mentally. He then spoke alot of things to encourage me and finally answered a question that I prayed to God yesterday. I was wondering is this the answer God wants to tell me though this guy in IMVU? The guy is a Catholic but from the way he "speak" to me, I can feel that he is an ultra positive guy. Very rare that I can meet such kinda positive people. I mean the ultra super positive kind. He told me in real-life, he is an introvert who will sit by the corner himself. I wonder is it true?

I then log off the internet after bid him goodbye and went to read another page of the Bible before going to bed. Still at Genesis lah...but I find the scripture quite confusing. Especially the one that said about wives. How come in the early days, the relationship between humans is already so chaotic? Haiz..complicated world. No wonder God is so disappointed and unhappy after he had created the world.

I think I have to end here for now. Will blog again soon. Do tag or message me if anyone of you wants to play that game with me okay?

Tragedy Past

Whew! Finally complete my whole assignments le! Actually I complete it by doing OT(Which by the way, I am not paid for and am not allowed to claim). After that I saw my supervisor discuss something with my colleagues and I joined in.

She then shared with us the main reason why she don't like us doing OT. She knows that Ms.W and me are doing OT frequently and this has cause quite a concern to her. She then shared a tragic history of one of the employee of my department who has since passed away a few years ago due to work related stress. She said that the girl's behavior in the office is exactly like me. Don't like to talk much and always keep problems to herself. She also notice that the both of us(meaning Ms.W and me)are often staying up late just to finish up our work and she is not very happy with it. She said the reason is because she is very very scared that the history would repeat itself and she cried while she was saying this. It happened like this:

During the years when the girl is still working with the company and when she was still alive, by that time my supervisor report to work, she would see the girl already there, most likely before 7am. The girl is an introvert who keep things to herself. There are times my supervisor would go over to the girl's place & ask if everything is okay? The girl would smile and nod but my supervisor could tell that the girl was obviously stress up by her work. She didn't share with anyone about her problem and as time passes, the girl slowly got more and more depress due to the tight dateline and overload work that she has to complete. When my supervisor left at 9pm after her work, the girl is still at her desk clearing up her work. Often, she would say to the girl,"Hey, it's getting late. I think you should stop your work and go home". The girl would only nod and said,"Ya ya..go home. Go home". But her eyes are fix to the computer and to the pile up assignments that she has to complete. This happens frequently and everyday. The girl report to work at 6+am in the morning and only left the workplace either at 10+pm or 11+pm at night. Then on one day, the girl then finally said to a close colleague of hers saying that,"I cannot take it anymore! I wanna die!"The colleague just comfort her but did not do anything more because he thought that she is just say-say only and didn't mean it. But...Tragic struck...

The next day, when my supervisor report to work, she didn't see the girl on her desk. She was surprise but she thought that the girl might have taken MC and thus didn't report for work. When she returned home at night to watch the News, she then learnt that the girl had committed suicide just opposite the building of where we work at one of the HDB blocks. She apparently had jump down from the building and ended her life just like that. The news of her death was quickly spreading around the whole company. Even people from other departments got to learnt of her death. The Directors and Managers then called an emergency meeting and shortly after that, organize a lot of de-stress campaigns and programs and insist on all employees to attend and learn how to de-stress. My supervisor cried and said,"What's the use for organizing these type of campaigns after tragic has happened? Why didn't they spot something is not right with the girl? Don't tell me that NO ONE notice that she's been working so hard?"She said that sadly, a few weeks after her death, the company got another replacement and the girl was cleanly forgotten within a few weeks. But..although everyone else seems to forgot about the girl, my supervisor still remembered the girl. Especially after she see us working so late into the night just to finish our work and she mention that my type of behavior was exactly how the girl was like when she was still alive. Work and work and work way late into the night before calling it a day and seldom talk to my own colleagues and rush to complete my work. When I heard that, I felt guilty. Cos I really didn't mean to provoke her to dwell on the memories of the girl. After she said that and I recall the nights that I stay up to work, no one was with me in the office. I was always alone if I work past 7.45pm at night.(Cos I usually work until 9+pm or 10+pm at night if I were to work OT)now I know why no one stays up with me to work and they quickly rush off after 7.45pm. Erm..okay okay. Maybe it's just my imagination. Right? I then said a silent prayer for the girl's soul and pray that she'll find peace and joy in her afterlife.

I really wonder in what ways did I behave that provokes my supervisor's memory of the girl? Cos she said my behavior is exactly like the girl. Luckily I am on contract term. So I guess after I have completed my contract and after I leave, hopefully my supervisor won't be reminded of the girl. After that, my supervisor went back to her desk and do her work but I can see from her eyes that she is still crying. She blamed herself for not standing up to speak for the girl. She said if she did that during that time, maybe the girl won't have died. I don't know what to say to console her but I just pat her back. In my mind, I was thinking,"It's not your fault Mdm, It's not your fault".

On my way home, I was thinking maybe I should be more chatty at work? Since the girl is an introvert, I guess maybe by doing what is the opposite of the girl won't make my supervisor think so much. But haiz...I am really a woman-of-few-words and don't know how to console people. What else can I do to not make her think of the girl? Now then I realize that behind every beautiful history, lies a tragic story that only people who lived(or rather, work)there for all their lives, would know the true story behind it...