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Have you ever felt that there are times, something seems to be missing from your life and you don't know what is it? Or that you felt that you have come to the end of your life? I have been feeling this way just recently. A few days ago to be exact. Don't know why I have been feeling this way.

Went out for gathering with my CGM yesterday and it was a great gathering! Eat lots of food..oops! Going to get fatter again*crys* Initally wanted to go to MingZhe's place but he said that his car has not enough room for everyone..heard that it has two extra people. I then volenteer to be out lor. Didn't really want to go so badly lah. Cos I am joining for the sake of joining only. HuiYi then apologise to me and gave me a sad expression on her face. I assured her that it is really okay and ask her not to worry but still her face seems so sad that I couldn't go.

After they went off, I went into a nail salon to repair my nails. First time going into such place to get my nails done. Cos I normally do my nails myself but I find that my nails are quite croke and I really don't know how to fix or cut it so I ask for professional help. The person then serve me and keep massaging my hands, polish and trim my nails for me. HuiYi ask me not to visit such place so often as it will "spoilt"me and I will end up spending much more money to be "pampered"by the staffs there. Haha! Don't worry, I won't. Just that I am very fusturated looking at my nails so croke and don't know how to fix it myself. The place is much more cheaper than Clementi! It's town area somemore! Cos Clementi had opened a new nail salon but the price is quite steep.

I then lost my way within the shopping centre. Initally wanted to go to the MRT but don't know how to go. Why I keep losing my way these days? I walk around the shopping centres and went in to arcade to dance ParaPara 2nd mix. Failed by the 3rd stage! So malu! Lucky not many people watching me..if not no face to go back again. I wanted to play bowling but feel very strange to bowl alone. When I wanted to go and watch a movie, the movie treater queue is very very long! -_-" Public holiday mah...haiz..it's like that. I want to watch Tokyo Drift!!!! I love cars! Went in to a CD shop and bought Fast and Furious and Too Fast Too Furious VCD. Yeh! Have the VCD le! So happy! But I am broke again. I know..you all will say,"Huh?! So fast! You just got your pay leh!" Haiz..like that lor.

I then try to find my way out and eventually I manage to walk to CityHall MRT by 7.30pm. Wah! Stuck at the mall for 5 hours! Help! Why I always get lost? On the way home, my mind was thinking about some things and the more I think, the more depress I get.

One of my CGM, I accidently saw her left wrist have much deeper cuts than mine once. The cuts are more than mine. I wonder how she got the courage to cut herself so deep? I know how she feels cos I used to cut myself very often when I was in my Secondary School daze. But the scars are not so deep as hers. I know some people will feel very uncomfortable to see people cut themselves. But..let me explain something to you that shock you further more...When those people who are used to cut themselves, they do it not only because they are depress. After the cut, there comes pain right? But do you know, to me lah, after the pain, there comes a sense of relieve within oneself? Yes the problem remains unsolve there but somehow, the feeling after the pain gives me a certain kind of relieve from my pain from my heart. Ask those who cut themselves before, are they feeling this way or is there some kind of feeling that they cannot express it out by words? Is there some kind of "consolation" from the cut? Seriously I do not know how to explain the feeling I had after the cut. Yes it is very painful and it bleeds but it used to be my only way for me to cry it out and to vent out my anger, hatred and all the mix feelings I had in my heart when I had no one to talk to or that I had difficulty expressing myself about how I am feeling. But I do not know how and when I manage to grow out of it. I guess part of it is though blogging. Cos at least I can vent all my feelings here. I find one more thing that calms me down..very surprisingly is other's hugs. Those who do not know how to console people who cut themselves or have difficulty expressing yourself to others, give those who are sad, wounded or those who cut themselves, a hug..a geniune hug. Maybe it will console them this way. It works for me but I do not know whether this works for others. I learnt this kind of consoling through my younger brother. He once gave me a very big hug after I had a huge quarrel with my Mum and felt that no one understands me. I will remembered that day forever. He suddenly came into my room(I was crying looking out of my window)and call out to me and smiled at me. He then said,"Jie, Lai..big hug!"(Sis,come..big hug!)Surprisingly, I felt somewhat consoled by him. Although he never said anything to calms me down but though his hug I can feel his care and love for me. I do not know if it really works for others.

I guess by this blog you should know what I am thinking in my mind? But no, I won't do it. Takes alot of courage for me to do that. I will try to talk if I ever could eventually express myself well okay? Haha! No worries!