She's prettier than I am...so depress....so sad...low self esteem

Actually I blog this a little late cos I don't want to link it to the anniversary part. Last week when I went to BaoBei's place, he ask me,"Do you wanna know how my ex looks like?" I just look at him in his eyes and he click on a folder. The image then appear a girl's picture and he says,"This is my previous ex...XQ"(The one from China) When I look at the picture, I feel very upset but I didn't tell him. I just comment,"Oh okay..she looks very pretty". She looks a bit like Joanne. I think maybe it's because of her hairstyle..cos it's the same as Joanne's hairstyle. Her face was very cute. Of course, you all can guess how I feel lah - Depress and low-self esteem lor cos I am not as pretty as her and I don't know how to dress up myself. He then delete the picture in front of me and it was sent to the trash bin. I ask him why and he said,"It was the past anyway. No use having her picture in my computer". I said that he could keep it for memory sake but he don't wish to. Maybe because he knows that it would somehow make me unhappy.

Facing a little financial difficulty cos I have no job and I don't wish to go out often. Plus the bad thing is that I still owe some of my friends debts from last year and haven't clear it out. Sian...I don't have anymore money in my account. Met Lorraine yesterday evening and fellowship with her a little. She was actually looking for a gift for her boyfriend but I couldn't help much. She ask about my relationship with YenHao and things between me and Esther Ho and HuiYi. Then talk to me a lot of things. Mostly encourages me...but still...I don't know lah. Maybe it's my mindset. Or maybe it's my low confidence or whatever. I just don't feel that I could serve the new CG well. Plus she told me that she don't know me well and ask me to tell her more about myself. Huh? I thought she know me well? Okay lah..to a certain extend lah..Hmm...I also don't know what else she wants to know about me?

She ask me have I step into City Hall? Actually the place that she brings me to, I haven't been step in since year 1999 until now...cos..I don't dare to go there. A lot of things has changed. Actually, I am running away from myself..trying to run away from past memories that hurt me so much for so long. I think it's time that I should face up to reality that it's all been over a long time ago. That part of Juliet has died..because of a guy. But then again, sometimes I feel that I have not changed at all..I am still the same old Juliet that is still so stupid about a lot of things. Lessons that I never ever learnt..but no matter how hurt I am, I know that I must still move on. From my past..The one question that I will always ask myself,"Will this guy ever hurt me?" The answer always seems to be a "Yes" in the end. I just hope that BaoBei won't ever hurt me again. Hurting me once is already enough - His lie. I have forgiven him...but I am not sure whether to trust him again? Although it's just a very minor thing but people don't realize that it's always the little things they do that either touched me or hurt me the most.

I will stop here for now. Don't know what am I blogging myself...

Our 3 months anniversary + Belated Valentine's Day

On Saturday afternoon, I went over to BaoBei's place. He was suppose to meet me at 12pm but I was late. Board a bus to his place. Okay lah..I know it is my fault..cos...by right, if I am late, I am not suppose to board a bus but I just feel like taking a bus there that time. On the way, while it pass by somewhere, I saw a very beautiful blue colour wedding gown!!! Ahhhhh!!!! I want I want!!! The design was very beautiful. Although it was just a quick glance, but still I like that wedding gown very much. The shop name was "France" something..I forgot. But looking at the gown itself, I have a feeling that it may not be cheap. It was a sleeveless blue wedding gown..just that the bottom of the gown is very big.

When I reach BaoBei's place, I called him on his hand phone. He was surprise and said,"Huh!? So fast?! Wait lah!" I then heard him mummer,"Auntie..faster leh" I ask,"What?!" He then replied,"Nothing nothing..just don't go up first. Wait for me outside the gate" I wanted to wait for him outside his condominium but it started to rain. So I went inside..I saw a new guard inside the guard house but he never even bothered to ask who I am while the previous guards will ask. Of course after some time, two of the guards recognise who I am and will let me access without checking on me. Except one of them will still ask me for the unit number(I think he always forgot) while the other will always strike a conversation with me..I like that guard as he is very friendly person.

I then listen to the mp3 on my hand phone and after some time, I saw BaoBei peeking on me from the wall behind. I walk towards him and ask,"Wei...what are you doing there?" He smile and ask me to take the lift first. Inside the lift, he seems to be hiding something behind his back. I peek here and there but couldn't see what is it. At his place, he then hand me a boutique of pink roses! My favourite! It was wrap in a purple colour paper and it has 6 pink roses in total. The sides of it has 3 white roses but these were given free cos the florist promise BaoBei it will be ready in 15 minutes but BaoBei waited 20 minutes for it instead. She gave him the extra roses as a form of apology for making BaoBei wait for so long. But overall, it was very well done!

There's a card attach to the rose and I was touched when I read it. He apologise for the previous incident and at the same time, he said he was very bless to have me as his girlfriend. He wanted to gave me the hand-made necklace that he really made himself but that necklace was confiscated by his guard officer. I don't know for what?! He ask me to bring the flowers to church but I don't want! So pai seh!

Reach church quite late and so we get the usher to get us a seat. A sister then lead us to the floor of the choir. I tried to locate the CGMs but they are nowhere to be found. Pastor Kong was preaching that day but...seriously, most of the time I don't have a clue what is he trying to say or talk about although I know it is something to do with the Cultural Mandate. My mind was full of questions marks to most of his words. At the end of it, I look at my notebook and saw myself scribbling all over and don't even know what am I writing about?

Went to meet up with the CGMs and listen to Bro's word maybe for the one last time. So sad...After that, Bro then comment that I look pregnant in that dress! I was like,"Ahhhhh!!!" He then add,"But! I am only prophesy that it will happen maybe...5 years later in the future!" I then gave BaoBei a fierce look and BaoBei was a little scared by me. Cos that shirt was chosen by him. HuiYi said,"Oei! Ah Sao!" I was thinking,"KNS!!!" and in my mind, I went,"Ka-boom!" Esther and YangLin also comment about my shirt. MingWei was more bad! He said,"Oei..Juliet..come come come..I see" I tried to avoid his look. When he sees the front, he said to BaoBei,"Haiz..Yen Hao..you ah..haiz..why like that? What you do to Juliet?" BaoBei then give Mingwei a "punch".

After that we walk towards to MRT station with HuiYi. On the way there, I saw my ex-CG w117 and greet them. Nicholas become more and more stylish each time I see him. MingYing has become more pretty too. I almost cannot recognise YueMing cos she has changed her style too. I then saw Anita and comment,"Wah! You also become more pretty and cute!" She gave me a -_-" look. YueMing laugh and said,"Erm..you better not say that to her" The rest laugh at her,"Anita? Cute? Pretty? Hahaha!" Then Anita's look was like,"Si Juliet! Ni Gei wo ji zhu!" that kind. I then asked,"Did I say something wrong?" HuiYi then said,"Oei! Late le! Let's go!" and I bid all of them goodbye and went to Marina Square to meet Samuel. Have MacDonald's for dinner and then we went separate ways.

On the way to BaoBei's place, I joke with BaoBei by touching my stomach area,"Baby!" I smiled at BaoBei. He then glared at me and said,"If you really get pregnant one day, you better don't take the sleeping pills. Not good for the baby. Anyway, I also don't want you to eat so much pills" I then frown and ask,"Sleeping pills also cannot take?" He said,"Cannot!"

Went to sleep early but I take the 4mg pills to sleep. BaoBei confiscate my sleeping pills and refuse to give it to me. HuiYi then called me suddenly to ask for the pills. She claims that her friend wants it and ask me for two. I was like,"KNS!!! One pill is already 25mg! Two pills is equals to 50mg!!! You siao!!! Or your friend wanna die!?" But I told her to tell her friend that she can bought it at a particular shop for a very cheap price. Anyway since BaoBei confiscate my pills, I don't think I could give it to her that easily.

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Relationship...Having it or not, it's still leads to heartache

Slack at home during the daytime on Friday. Went for CGM and it was our last gathering together as Brother Wen Khai's CG cos from next week onwards, some of us will be going over to Lorraine's CG as she's promoted to a CGL! Congregations Lorraine! BaoBei and I have no objections to it. Initially, I thought that I would be separated from HuiYi but luckily, I am still in the same CG as her! Hahaha! Hug her when I hear the good news although it was not finalise. I have a feeling that Lorraine would make a good CGL..she has the leadership skills and she is good at consoling and counselling people. It has been a very long time since I had a Sister as my CGL. The very 1st and last time I had a sister as my CGL was in year 2001 under Sister Jace in W99. The CG is no longer there and has been disbanded. I still see some of my ex-CGM in other CGS and sad to say, most of them ignore me. I don't know why...but anyway, I am used to it.

Went to Clarke Quay to meet Esther and Jia Xing. We then went to 7-11 to buy bottle Vodka but it was tasteless to me. The Alcohol percentage is only 5% so it's quite light. Esther said she will bring me to a new clubbing place some time later. Jia Xin was shock and said,"Huh?! Since when you like to go clubbing?" Esther then smiled. She used to hate clubbing a lot and usually, it was only me who invite people to explore clubbing places with me. That day was the very first time Esther invited me to go clubbing with her! I was quite surprise! But I guess people do change..I just hope that she won't go because she is feeling sad. Cos....I don't want her to get addicted like I do..it's not good.

After that, we climb onto the ledge and chat about our friends, their problems and a lot of things. Somehow or another, the topic suddenly drift to relationship and Jia Xin shared a lot of unhappiness about her boyfriend to us. She said,"You may think that my relationship is very good to you. Just like I thought that you and your boyfriend are good like that lor. But in reality, only we ourselves knows whether our relationship is good or not" I then comment,"Haiz..Relationship, it's very troublesome to have it. But when we don't have it, it's also very troublesome". I replied to Jia Xin,"I think as time goes by, couples usually either get bored with each other or they take each other for granted. They no longer know how to treasure each other anymore." She sort-of agree with me. I then told Esther that the end of the world is coming REAL SOON! Very fast! Much faster than I have expected. First it was the Tsunami, then it was the flood at JB. Somewhere in the Bible, I forgot which verse was it, it was stated that God will send signals and signs that He is about the come. One of it was flood. He was wipe out one part of the nation and it said something about the red flood(Flood of blood). Esther was very excited about this and said,"Yeh! God is coming! Hope He'll come soon and then take this world away!" I agreed with her but she said,"You have your anata and live so happily and yet you are thinking this way? I am different from you! So you should be living happily now". But some things she just don't understand...

They then send me to the bus stop and I board the bus home bidding them Goodbye. Reach home at 4+am in the morning and force myself to sleep. I think I'll end here for now...will blog again some other time.

Promises

Words are cheap, Actions are fake
Words that you used to tell me,
are they all lies and plain sweet-talking?
Promises that you promised me,
are they really meant to be broken?

Attention you used to shower on me,
Promises you used to tell me,
do they left forgotten and faded with time?
do they still holds true till today?

You had eyes for another,
while I only had for you.
In your heart, am I your one and only?
Or am I just a substitute of her place?

You said you loved me and no other
but in your heart, was another woman's face
You promised never to lie
but an empty promise is what you gave

Trust broken, doubts sets in
Her smile lingers in your mind,
your heart longs to be with her
your eyes only had for her

I am nothing compared to her
for in your eyes, it's her you see
Cries of mine you can't hear
for in your ears, it's her voice you hear
Seldom that I will speak,
for your lips speaks of was her
No longer you long for my presence
cos in your heart, it's her presence you need

Slowly and quietly, I am leaving you
Pain and sorrows with me I take
A note by the table,
with my goodbyes
Tears flows from my eyes
as my heart broke into pieces

Tons and tons of sleeping pills I take
Sleeping peacefully by the bed
drifting myself into deep sleep
with my last tears flowing from my eyes
with my last breath to breathe
leaving this world, leaving you
to be with the stars above
Watching over both of you in Angelic wings
Giving my blessings to you from above
Just remember me as an ordinary girl
A girl that loved you once
from the bottom of her broken heart...

Poem Created By: Juliet Li
Date: 22 February 2007

Should I trust him???

Went for shopping alone while waiting for Esther to knock off. Before that, I went to Jurong to pass my Time Sheet to my Agent and at the same time, tell him about my alteration about a time slot. He ask me if I wanted to work as a packer in a Japanese snack shop? I said okay but I forgot to ask about the location and the pay. He said he will call me if there's any news. Manage to buy the things I want. While shopping, my mind was imagining things and thinking of BaoBei. The more I thought about it the more unhappy I felt. Why didn't he tell me earlier?! I am angry but I don't know how to express my anger. I HATE GUYS WHO LIED TO ME OR TO HIDE THINGS FROM ME!!! He said that he has forgotten about it. HuiYi tell me not to think too much and anyway, it was his past. BUT I MIND A LOT!!!

I happened to saw his MSN history at his place. Actually I had created that MSN history for him cos initially he doesn't have one. But I don't know how come it can captured his conversations from 2005? He used to have MSN history message and there was one time I saw his conversations between his ex-gf and him. I was jealous but I didn't think too much of it. I then saw his conversations between Stephanie about SOMEONE whom I am familiar with. He never tell me that he liked her before until I asked him about it!!! He said that he wasn't allowed to pursue her cos she was studying that time. He's only allowed to pursue her only after she has completed her studies. Despite his explanation, I am still not happy about it although it was 2 years ago. WHY DIDN'T HE TELL ME IN THE BEGINNING THEN!?

I HATE HIM!!!! I HATE HER!!!!(THE SOMEONE THAT HE LIKES) AND I HATE THAT CHINA GIRL!!!!! I won't fight with them anymore. I LOST! Although I had him but in his heart I AM NOTHING!!!! Lorraine, don't ask me to talk to him. I don't wish to talk. Now I have a feeling that I am just a substitute!

Bought the bag that I was looking for at $30. The initial price was $35 and Esther help me to get a discount. Finally bought myself a packet of sleeping pills. I was surprise that I can get it so easily over-the-counter for a very cheap price!!! I thought that I must see a doctor to get a prescription. The medication shock me cos my current pills is only 4mg - 5mg strong. The person said that it is the lightest and if I wanted a stronger one, I need to see a doctor to get it. The one that I have bought, is 25mg strong!!!

I told Esther that if I can I wish to take all of it at one shot(20 pills)she scold me siao and ask me not to talk rot during CNY(Lorraine will say,"Don't Ra-ra can?") I wonder 20 pills of sleeping pills plus 10 pills of Panadol will lead to what? That is only my thinking. I don't think I dare to try that.

My eyes hurts after crying. WHY CRY FOR HIM!? Since he initially wanted to pursue CLY then I won't say anything anymore!!! He's a diploma holder while I am only a stupid NITEC cert!!! CLY also going to study a diploma soon too. I said before, I won't fight but I'll just let him go. But if I ever really do that, my friends will see a very different side of me. If I ever failed again on this, I will save money to go for operation and then save another part of money to have my name and gender change and to serve NS. Leading a different life from then on. By that time, I won't be calling Juliet. Call me Richard. I have not yet think of a Chinese name for myself if I were to become a guy. Or maybe I'll try to save one million dollars to migrate to England? Then I'll start my new life from there. At least I can fulfil one of my dreams then. *Daydreaming*

I'll end here for now. Will blog again some other time....I won't trust you anymore BaoBei...if you really like CLY, then go for her...if you really think she's the one for you then I'll just say goodbye and thank you for the times that you gave me..I'll always remember it...

Outing with Esther

Spend the last three days of the New Year with BaoBei and visiting his relatives. By right in Chinese custom, the third day of the Chinese New Year is strictly not meant for visiting. I do not really understand why but I heard that because the third day is meant to pray for the souls and it's very unlucky for anyone to go visiting on the third day as bad luck will befall for a year for the owner of the house. Break his Mum's favourite bowl on the third day too...haiz..so sway! I wonder where to get a replacement for it?

Rush home to unpack my things and went out to meet Esther after that. Late for 30 minutes. Haiz..had dinner with her at pizza hut. $40 in total..don't know if it's worth it? Chat about a lot of things. I was surprise that the pizza we ordered, there are some things that we have in common! E.g: Both of us don't like to eat pineapples and Both of us don't like to eat onions(except that I only don't eat it when it is too big and in rings).

I describe a kind of bag I am looking for to Esther and she roughly knows what I am looking for. She said I could get it at Bugis around $30 for the big bag. I saw another similar kind at a shop selling $35 but it's a very small version. Not worth it and anyway I am not suitable to carry small bags. I wanted to find pink "stockings" to match my pink shirt too. I know that I could get it easily at Bugis street. Not sure how much will it cost?

Took photos with Esther. I had fun playing with the different effects with the "pen". Maybe I can take some pictures with BaoBei in future. Delicate a song and a message to Esther out the fountain. I couldn't think of any song that represents our friendship but a song title came into my mind. So I delicate that to her...

See Esther off to the bus stop and I walk to another side of the bus stop after she left. Reach home and the moment I step into the house, my Mum just can't stop nagging at me. It just only made me wanted to leave home more than staying at home. Sometimes I am feeling trap between my family and BaoBei. I am feeling "tired". Maybe someday I should move out to live all by myself in a rented apartment? At least I have more freedom outside than being at home. While at home, I cannot even do my own things like locking my room door. IT'S MY ROOM OKAY?! WHY DON'T I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOCK IT?! IT'S JUST PLAIN RIDICULOUS!!!

I think I will end here for now. Feeling happy to go out with Esther but I am feeling very upset with my Mum. Anyway I don't wish to talk to her. She will never understand me and she'll never respect me!!!

Reunion Dinner 2007

Pack my things in a rush and went to BaoBei's place yesterday. Had reunion dinner with his family members. His 2nd elder Brother still didn't talk to me..sianz...The couple shirt that his eldest Brother and his girlfriend wear are very cute. The girlfriend had dyed her hair and I think she went for re bonding. The new hair colour suits her well. BaoBei Mum still sort-of "blaming" me that I never stop BaoBei from smoking. But he promised me that he will quit upon his POP(Passing Out Parade).

Ate quite a lot at BaoBei's place. My favourite Japanese mushroom!!! Got a call from someone and she cried really badly. I really do not know what had happened and I cannot do anything about it. Sometimes I feel so useless. I cannot even help a friend who is in need! I cannot really advise her to move out cos it is not a best solution after all. Anyway, the rental fees to rent a room in Singapore nowadays is quite expensive. Didn't help to solve her problem in the end but the only thing I could do is to listen to her sorrows.

Went to my first Uncle's house to have reunion dinner after that. I wanted to drink the red wine but BaoBei forbid me to drink too much. Went "home" quite early at 10 plus at night cos we are afraid that there'll be no transport home. I don't want to take taxi cos it will cost a lot.

Visit my 3rd Uncle's house today. I was thinking of going to Shop N Save to buy Mandarin Sow tow but I heard that it cannot be store for too long cos it was turn bad. Haiz...it's my favourite fruit during Chinese New Year cos I don't get to eat it at any time of the year except CNY. My favourite "Gum" as I would like to call it. Speaking of which, yesterday was my last day at work. Haha! Finally I am free! I like the colleagues there but not the customers!!!

After that we went to my 2nd Uncle's house. He actually wanted to treat us to two bottles of red wines!!! But BaoBei was unhappy about it and refuse to let me drink. So sad...After that we bid my relatives goodbye and we went to meet our friends. Got a lot of Ang Bao money! Yeh! For the 2nd time, it has hit 3 digit figures!!! I wonder will there be a 3rd time? Tomorrow I'll be going to BaoBei's cousin place for visiting. I wonder how will it be like?

I found myself getting more and more emotionally attach to BaoBei. I wonder is it a good or bad thing? Cos....I am afraid of getting hurt again after some time. Most of my friends tell me not to worry too much and don't let my environment affect me but I tend to think a lot of things in my mind. I just don't know how to communicate my feelings to BaoBei....Does he really know what are my fears and how I feel? My past relationship experience keeps haunting me back ever since I saw BaoBei's latest blog entry plus...that woman's SMS!!! I don't know how to tell him that I have sink too deep into this relationship and that I fear losing him to some other woman or other things/reasons. I guess I could only bottle it deep in my heart...

Have to end here for now. Will blog again maybe tomorrow.

I don't understand??? Maybe..

Met BaoBei yesterday. He came all the way to my workplace and wait for me. I don't even know that he has been watching me working. He says that he has walk past my counter two or three times but I didn't see him. I think I was busy serving customers. Almost fainted at work around the evening. I have giddy spells but I don't know why.

BaoBei then sent me home and he have some chat with my Mum before he went off. Miss Service today but anyway, I really don't see the point being there. Cos I was thinking, even if I reach there, the singing itself takes about 30 minutes to 45 minutes(I take note so I know) and I must leave after an hour. What's the point going there just to sing and then leave? Sorry but this is how I felt.

Went to work and negotiate with my Boss to let me work early on the 15th cos I saw my organiser taking down a note that there's service that day 5pm -7pm. He then reluctantly agreed to let me work in the morning.

Around the evening just before I went for lunch, a customer keep sort-of "begging" me to change money for her. I then close my counter half-way and she shouted at me,"NO! NO! NO!" I got a fright at that point cos she shouted behind me! PLEASE! DON'T EVER SHOUT OR CALL ME FROM BEHIND! I REPEAT THIS! I then replied quite rudely to her,"Madam! Can you please don't shout!? I am NOT closing!" She didn't even apologise! Right after that moment after she shouted, I felt my chest have a piercing pain and I have difficulty breathing a little. But I quickly scan the rest of the customer's things. After I had scan the last customer, I quickly put a CLOSE sign at my counter and squat down. My chest still hurts! My colleague from the opposite counter who saw me, ask if I am okay? But after drinking one big gulp of water and some deep but slow breathing to relax my mind(hopefully), I felt better...Stupid customer! Some people don't know how to WAIT! I DON'T WANT TO WORK IN THIS JOB!!! I WANNA CHANGE JOB!!! I think I am not suitable to work with customers, they either angered me, frighten me or provoke me in some way or another. I think I am more suitable to work with things. Esther Ho also said that I am not suitable to work with customers as I will tend to let my feelings known/show. Sorry, once I am angered or provoked, it is very hard for me to smile. A few regular customers were surprise(or shock?)when I glared at them(The eyes that Esther Ho and my Da Lao Po(elder "wife")said that my eyes look murderous when I am angry that type) There is one customer even look down on me. I wanted to say to her,"Eh!! Hello! Since you know I am not familiar with the products here, then why don't you go to other counters where the cashiers are more familiar with the things?! Don't come to my counter lah!"But I didn't say anything but to stare at her and replied annoying,"Ya I know!"(In my mind I was saying,"KNS! Can shuddup or not?!")

Read BaoBei's blog and he says that I don't know him well. He even started to hate himself but I don't know why. I feel very sad when I read his latest entry. The Valentine's Day present that I gave to him, he didn't even read the message inside. He just open and see what is it and then close it. I felt disappointed but I didn't tell him. I guess it doesn't matter to him. Cos I expect him to at least read the small message that I had wrote for him inside. But he didn't. I just keep quiet and pretend nothing wrong. The Valentine Day present is only 99 hearts. The one that I took one whole day to make. I guess guys just don't know how to appreciate these kinda things. The rest of the hearts is in my room in another container. There was one time I type in my MSN extension nick: Will distance draw us apart or will it brings us closer? I guess his actions speaks out loud the question of mine. Although Esther Leong said that it will definitely draws us closer.

I wanted to talk to someone but I don't know whom. I also don't know where to begin with. Am I being sensitive again? Or maybe BaoBei really don't know how to express himself. Receive a cross necklace from BaoBei and he claims that he made it for me by asking his army mate to teach him how to make that necklace. I think I lost it but I don't remember where and when. There are times I wish that I could go somewhere alone to think things through. Why did BaoBei say that? Maybe I really don't understand BaoBei enough. Or maybe I don't even understand BaoBei at all.

During the days when I cannot accompany BaoBei, he did look for his friends that I ask him to. But sadly none of them accompany him. Xiao Pang is sick with high fever. Wei Da is busy with his girlfriend(Now then I know he's got gf! but I got the news a little late). He then SMS someone whom I felt threaten by. Although the SMS is harmless and pure, but still, the idea of her SMSing him makes me feel uncomfortable. She ask BaoBei to bring me along to meet her. I don't want! Seeing an ex-girlfriend of your boyfriend is really weird! I don't even know what is their status! Ordinary friends? Best friends? Close friends? Or what?! It was her who initiated the break-up(That's what I heard) but I forgot who told me before that JayJay who saw her before, only describe her one thing: When JayJay saw her, he wanted to "bed" with her. If you guys know what I mean by this? I also heard that BaoBei's ex-gf is quite sexy and pretty. *JEALOUS* But BaoBei used to be a racer. So I am not surprise that he got to know this kinda girls. I just feel insecure that's all. Cos I am neither pretty nor sexy. But I fear that if one day that girl came back to him, asking him to patch things back, BaoBei will have mix feelings. But if that really were to happen, I will most probably chose to let him go. I am not saying that they cannot remain as friends. But...I have my own fears and insecurities. Cos one of my ex-bf told me that he used to think that he has forgotten his ex-gf after I and him are together. But after I broke up with him, when I met my ex sometime ago, he told me that he realize that he still has feelings for his ex after all, deep inside his heart. Long after I left him and that he happened to met her again at his company functions. That is when he realise the feeling is still there. I fear that same thing will happen on BaoBei. But still, I cannot say anything about it. I tend to imagine things and at times, imagine the worst.

I think I have to end here for now. Nothing for me to type anymore. *Staring blankly into space imagining things*

Poor maid

This entry is very boring...can don't read if you want...

Went to work in the afternoon. Actually I drag myself there cos I don't wish to go to work in the first place. After counting, I then went out to serve the customers. Around late afternoon, there's one lady who bought a lot of items. I then purposely scan the items slowly. She then scolded her maid in front of a lot of other customers. The maid just kept quiet throughout except she says occasional,"Sorry Mum(Madam)", "No Mum(Madam)". I was very angry with the employer and half of me wish to speak up for the poor maid. But I was working so I cannot say anything but to watch the poor maid helplessly. When the maid tried to carry the whole lot of groceries later on, the employer push her maid on the back very hard and said,"Go lah! Take all these to the car first! Cannot understand instructions is it!? Stupid girl!"by this time, I wish that I could give the employer one punch on her stupid face!!! But I cannot do that lah. If I'm in my civilian clothes and I am not working, I may do that! I will even stand up for the maid! Cos if I stood up for the maid now, the employer can complain to my Managers of being rude and maybe plus being nosy. I pity the maid. She came all the way from her country to work in Singapore and yet being treated like a slave(or maybe worst than a slave)! TO ALL EMPLOYERS IN SINGAPORE(Especially those who hire domestic workers/maids): Please don't ill-treat your maids! They are pity enough to leave their hometown just to come here to serve you and your household members! Please treat them with dignity! They are humans too and have feelings too!!! Not your dog/slave!!!

I really hate people like that! I was thinking,"What if the maid was first time here in Singapore and she don't understand a lot of things? Can't the employer teach/guide her nicely?!" From the way she speaks and from the money she spends(she spend a total of $170+++ just for groceries alone), I can easily tell that the employer is from the upper class rich tai-tai. So what if she is rich?! It doesn't mean she can bully the maid like that!!! I hate people who uses money to push people around! They think that their money is made of gold!!! In my eyes, no matter how rich you are, if you treat a maid or those less well-off than yourself like shit, you are NOTHING in my eyes! Just a low-class idiot!!!

After the maid and her stupid employer left, I curse the employer deep within my heart. I pray silently that one day the employer will reduce her status to a pathetic poor lady one day and hopefully one day she will be in her maid's shoes!!! Then she will know the taste of being treated like a slave!!!

But of course I don't mean all the employers in Singapore are like that. I have also seen some(but very rare cases) whereby the employers treat their maid very well and even treat them like one of their friends/family members. But like I said, these are very few and rare cases. I have even seen an employer pull her maid's hair in public before and slap her maid. I do not know what has the maid done wrong to deserve such a treatment?

Sorry for the boring entry again. Will blog again soon.

L-O-V-E is in the air

Some says love begins at first sight
Other says love develops with time
Some says that it's infatuation
but I believe my feelings for you
will last beyond that

Each time you smile, I melt
Each time you cry, my heart pains
Every time you turn to look at me
my heart skips a beat
Each time you got yourself hurt, I cried

I don't know what is it
but I just can't help loving you
Pretending of not loving you
it's just not my style
it's not something I can do

I'll always be by your side
protecting you with my arms
I'll willing to lay my life for you
just to see your smile,
just for your happiness

You may not notice me
You may not even know
someone who is willing to protect you
is someone that you won't take notice

I'm willing to wait
No matter how long it takes
I'm praying and hoping for the day
the day when you'll finally look my way
the day where you finally be mine...

Poem created by: Juliet
on: 7 February 2007

Time - Feelings(divided by)Love x distance = Are we still the same?

My work schedule is quite tiring. Yesterday I was working night shift and today I am working morning shift. For the next few days, I am going to work night shift again. The 1st day of my night shift, I was surprise that the time pass by extremely quickly! Before I knew it, it was time for me to go home. I was thinking,"Huh?! So fast?!" The feeling is like I just come to work for only a few hours then I can go back that kind. But actually I had work 7 hours. My Dad then came to disturb me while I was doing closing.

Work was quite fun today. There are even a few customers who smile at me and told me to relax myself. Cos I tend to rush through and key in very quickly and pack the things very quickly and hand it to the customers especially when I see that the queue is quite long. Whenever the queue is long, I will get very stress and will tend to do things very fast. Customers who don't understand, will misunderstand me of being rude.

After work today, I close the counter myself(By right, I am not suppose to do that). Cos I want to rush home to rest. My store Manager then help me to do official closing of the counter. I then went in to count the takings of the day. Surprisingly, I had access of $1.00! I suspect it could be a newspaper that I never keyed in. But not my fault! The customer just throw the money to me(and I really mean throw)and just use the newspaper to point at my face before he went off! KNS! Maybe that explains the excess. Cos from the beginning until now, I always have either shortage or just balance but never excess.

After finish counting the takings, I wanted to go off but my Manager hold me back. He's giving all of us a treat(I mean the whole employees of that particular store). He called for Mac Delivery and all of us get to eat. Initially I said no cos I wanted to go back home anyway. Then he said,"Eh..Don't like that leh. I'm giving all of you a treat and you don't want to give me face" I explain that I have to go anyway so just don't count me in. He then ask me to wait until I have eaten then I can go off. I was like," O.o?!" look. He knows that I live nearby so the more he don't allow me to leave.

After the delivery has arrived, we then take our own share of food. By the time the food arrived, it has actually turned half-cold. But we still eat it anyway. After I had finish, I then went to thank my store Manager and he just smiled at me. I finally found the Zip Lock bag that I am looking for but the size is not what I really want. The stock only have "M" size while I am looking for "L" size.

Went home and called BaoBei. Both of us were very quiet mostly on the phone. But at least I can get to hear his voice, I am contented. He then said he may be booking out on Saturday. But still I may not get to see him. He wants to meet me on the 17th but I am working on that day. Haiz..sian. I just hope that he will not be "out-of-sight-out-of-mind" thinking.

I think that is all for now. I shall end here. Will blog again some other time

HuiYi's Care

Slack at home for the whole day today cos it's my off day. Went to Jurong CPF building to submit my time sheet to my Agent. He then ask me if I would like to continue to work for the company I am working now after the 17 days period? I thought about it for a while before answering him,"No". Before that, actually I have expected him to ask me this question but I didn't know that he would ask me so soon. Anyway, after some discussion with Lorraine over the phone about it, I decided not to continue with the job. But one thing I know for sure - The pay is going to be very less.

Went home after that and along the way, I fold hearts again. It has been a very long time since I last fold the hearts. Haiz...cannot reach my target or 999. Let alone 9999. Sorry BaoBei...didn't reach your target that you have set for me too...it's less than 520. If you all want to know why 520, ask BaoBei. Only BaoBei and me knows the meaning of 520. Such a failure!!! *Angry at myself*

HuiYi called me around evening. Chat with her for a while and she ask why didn't I call her for chat? Erm..actually I don't have the habit to call people up without reason. Now you all know how I lose contacts with friends? She ask me how are things between me and my BaoBei? I dare not really answer her this question cos...recently, I do not know is it that I am affected by my friend's broken relationships and the environment around me or is it that I am thinking too much or whatever? I suddenly don't have confident on our relationship(I mean my BaoBei's and me relationship) and I found myself having serious thoughts over some things and my imagination. She also says that she haven't seen me for a long time. Erm..I didn't attend church for a week only mah. The most funny part is, my Agent thought that I had work for 4 weeks?! Hahaha! I guess time really flies fast.

She sound very sad over the phone but I don't know why cos I never ask. Someone also never go for church and CG because of work. Alamak! Why like that? No wonder Bro's reaction was so big over the msn when I told him that I won't be coming for service and CG. He ask me to try to make it for this coming Sunday Service. Again I don't know how to console her but I just listen to what she says. She has a lot of homework to do PLUS PROJECT?! KNS! Her homework is already so tough and now the teacher give her project?! I was like,"What kinda school is this?!" She is also one of the people who envied BaoBei and me. How come the people around me envy us? Hmm...It's just that we seldom quarrel that's all. Anyway, we have nothing to quarrel about. Maybe because it's only the beginning of our relationship or it could be that because BaoBei is always giving in to me. Oh and one thing I must say. Because I heard a saying that quarrels will strength the relationship. Let me tell you, it's argument that strengthens it. NOT quarrels! There's a thin line between these two extremes. Argument means you have your stand of certain things and you want your partner to see your point of view so you sort-of "debating" with your partner. Quarrel means the words exchange are harsh and sometimes, even hurtful to both parties. I learnt all these in marriage seminar. Cos I had friends who said,"Quarrels and Arguments are the same what". No! It's NOT!

Argument = You "fight" in a way that your words doesn't hurt or degrade your partner in any way. But you only want your partner to understand your point of things.

Quarrel = The words exchange between both parties are often hurtful and will tend to hurt the partner's ego or feelings. This usually happens if the words exchange are harsh and there's name-calling, degrading terms are used.

Usually I will try as best as I can to op for the 1st option. But sometimes, in a moment of my anger or hot-temperness, the 2nd option will come from me "accidentally". If I can, I will try not to hurt BaoBei cos I heard that BaoBei's heart is quite fagile. But I think I had hurt him either directly or indirectly at times. There a part of me keep saying to me that because of all the things and environment that keep happening around me, the more I should hold on to BaoBei's hand tightly to face any obstacles that comes our way. But there's another part of me still having doubts here and there because of what I had seen with my own eyes or hear from my friends. HuiYi then told me not to let my surroundings or others affect my relationship with BaoBei. Because of my work, I can't get to see BaoBei at all for the past week. I do miss him at times and wonder how is he doing in NS and whether did he fall sick again? BaoBei's health is not very good nowadays. His family had gone back to Malaysia for the New Year, which means that he's now left alone. Now, because of my work, I cannot be there for him.

I've been thinking whether to avoid him? Cos he get to learn my nose bleeding problem and he seems worried. I was thinking,"What if my nose bleed again when I see him?" He'll be worried sick! Nowadays, I had no choice but to put a packet of tissue underneath my counter cos I don't want to run to the toilet to wash my nose every time it bleeds. My supervisor suspect that there's something wrong with my health and ask me to go for check up cos she says it's very abnormal for a person to have nose bleed frequently. I suddenly thought of a medical condition but I don't know the symptoms. The Chinese term is called,"Bi Yan Ai" it the cancer of the nose that will cause a person to bleed from the nose frequently. I don't think I have that? Maybe it's the heatiness of my body that cause it. I also heard that people who burn mid-night oil often(which means sleep very late quite often)will also have it. HuiYi says if my nose bleeds one more week, she is pulling me to see a doctor.

Argh!!!!! I miss Ps.Ulf service!!! This week, I think Dr.Bernard is coming? Ahh!! Cannot get to see him! Hate it! I don't know why but I look forward seeing Dr.Bernard. His Book that I have bought, brightens my day alot and the words inside it are very encouraging. If I miss his service I guess I have to wait till he returns next time.

End of the world is coming real soon!!! Very excited!!! Okay...I know I am siao but you people will not understand how I feel. Only Esther Ho will understand. All the signs that is stated in the Bible came true! He will be coming anytime soon! Those who read the Bible more often than me should know what I am talking about.

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time. Sorry that my entries seems boring.

Stressful Day!!! What the hell?! LOVE SUCKS!!!!

First day operating my own counter. Very stressful as most of the customers are quite demanding! I almost had a mental break-down because there was a long queue and the first few front customers are giving me problems. I keep pressing for help every 10 minutes and the Management are very annoyed with me. Saw that Bitch-cum-Slut at my first day of operating the counter!!! PUI!!! PUI!!! PUI!!! SWAY!!! KAN DAO(4) NI WO JIU DAO(3) MEI!!!! BU YAO LIAN DE JIAN NU REN!!!! WO YONG YUEN HEN NI!!!!!!!!! MEI YOU KAN GUO XIANG NI NA ME JIAN DE NU REN!!!!!!! Because of her, my relationship with someone had soured.

A girl then came to my help to clear half of the customers. After the "war" had end, while I was serving the one last customer, I felt something drip from my nose...I know it's not those normal cold flu type of drip cos the feeling is different. I quickly look up to the ceiling as I key the product. Of course, the lady customer gave me strange looks when I do that. After I calculated her things, I quickly put a CLOSE sign at my desk and the male customer who was queuing behind her earlier got annoyed. I don't know how to explain to him that my nose is bleeding. So I didn't speak at all and I didn't even bother to explain. Can you imagine if a service crew were to serve you with his/her nose drip with blood?

I then squat down and my colleague from the next counter peer in to see what happened? I then ask for tissue urgently as I saw my right hand covered with drips of blood...This is the 4th time my nose is bleeding. I wonder what happen to me? I quickly rush to the staff toilet to wash up. After 1 minute, it was temporary okay. When I returned, my colleagues ask am I okay? After work, I went to sort out the money...Haiz....sort of $1.30. I was ask to report to work at 8am the following day. I then quickly rush home to shower and change my clothes.

I rush for service as I was late. While I was on the way there, my nose bleed again...5th time. I was thinking of not going anymore but I promised Lorraine I will be there and she wants to see me attending the service. I then SMS the 7-11 counter crew for tissue cos I had difficulty talking in that condition. I then quickly paid and left. Luckily this time it wasn't as bad as that afternoon itself.

1st time - At BaoBei's place...he was worried cos that time it bleed quite heavily
2nd time - At the OJT
3rd time - In the middle of the night at 2.45am(don't ask me how I know)
4th time - At work around the afternoon
5th time - On the way to service

I wonder will there be a sixth time? It reminds me of a show "Initial D", where Kuo Hai's(Act by Jay Chou but I forgot the Japanese exact name)buddy's nose also bleed for no reason. A girl then wipe it off for him and he joked,"Wah...if I bleed every time, I wonder will it bleed once every month?" I don't know if you get the joke? If you haven't watch that movie maybe you won't understand what I am talking about. But anyway, never mind.

Met my friends at night for chit-chat and dinner. My stomach hurts and I suspect I am starting to get gastric pain. Cos I only ate Breakfast and never eat for the whole day after that until dinner. BaoBei, it's not that I don't want to eat. I have no time to eat. If you understand my job scope, you will know why. I am half-happy and half-sad for one of my friend(You should know who you are) and I pity on another one of my friend's friend. A lot of things had been happening and I cannot do anything except to watch them getting hurt by guys(Some kinda friend I am huh?) I don't know how to console people. All I could only do is to listen and be there for them(So useless!)A few of them are envious of BaoBei and me. Cos they said we seem like a happy couple. Maybe from their view, they think so. But..to me, everything has it's good and bad side.

I then went home quite "early" as I have to work in the morning shift later on. Have to end here for now. Will blog again some other time. A few more weeks to go before I can leave that company. DON'T WISH TO SEE THAT SLUTTY BITCH!!!! In my mind I am always murdering her.