Argh!!!!! I'm going crazy soon!

Went to work today as usual. After lunch time, I had boldly request to talk to my Boss. He then sat at the conference room and he ask me what is it? I told him that I wish to resign and would work until end of next month. He was quite unhappy and ask me to continue to stay on. He told me not to give up just because I find it difficult to cope. He reject my resignation and ask me to continue to work. Sianz!

Went out with my parents to walk around at Toa Payoh. Nothing much to see there. My brother ask about BaoBei. He ask me questions which I never heard before and a few questions I just don't know how to answer him. Went home to play SL till I almost fainted. I think I stare at the computer for too long. Most of my SL friends starts fading away. There are some new members coming in. Some from Hong Kong, some from Taiwan. Started to "avoid" my SL friends too and live in my own world even in SL. I don't mingle with them much anymore.

Esther, if you see this, please don't ask me out anymore. Sorry that I really couldn't make it to Lynn's birthday. The money that I owe may take me a longer time to return you all. Gomenasai! May consider taking a 2nd job. Have discuss BaoBei about my second job and he is very angry over it. The only job that could earn $7 per hour - Night shift. But then many of you would disapprove. Anyway, I am really very stress over it. I had already state one of the reason why in my previous blog(go figure it out yourself).

I will end here for now. Have to get some rest. I am not tired but don't know why I feel like fainting? No worries. I am alright! Okay?

Lorraine's encouragment + Quarrel = I don't wish to talk so don't bother me!

Went for Service yesterday and was late. Actually I was suppose to have BS with Lorraine but I couldn't find my BS book anywhere at my house. I SMS Baobei to ask him to help me search for it to see if I have left it at his place? After search here and there, still couldn't find my BS book. Had no choice but to tell Lorraine that I won't be attending BS with her. Cos..how to attend when I don't have the book? The worst thing is that I do not know which lesson I am at now. Lesson 7? I forgot.

Went for lunch with Lorraine instead. She called me when we are on our way to Expo. I couldn't recognise her voice at all! I look at my phone before I pick up and the screen flash,"Lorraine 12345678 calling...(Lorraine's number. Sorry cannot reveal lah!)" I answered,"Hello?" But then, the person who spoke to me, doesn't sound like Lorraine at all! I stare blankly in space, then look at my hp again,"Call 1" I feel like asking the person,"Who are you?" When the fact is that it's Lorraine's number. Cos her voice sounds so sweet that I never heard such a voice before! I replied,"Er..yeah. We are on our way" she said she will be waiting for us at the food court. I then hang up. BaoBei ask me,"Who call?" I said,"Lorraine. But then, her voice doesn't sound like Lorraine. Her voice sound like half of Katherine's voice" BaoBei then give me a whierd look. If you know how does Katherine's voice sounds like, you will know why I give that look yesterday.

Went to food court to search for Lorraine. Took me quite a while to spot her. Cos I am not observant enough. She then talk to me about my work. She then introduce a cafe near Bona Vista and said that the job is not suitable for long term. It's run by our own church member so maybe I could request for 5 days work week. I wonder why.

Went for service and I was surprise that the hall was quite empty! Usually for service, the hall will be either full house or half pack by members. But yesterday when we step into the hall, I was surprise! BaoBei was surprise too and said,"How come the hall look like almost empty?" Jac brought her schoolmates to church. I did not mingle with them. Especially the "Ah lian". She has piercings everywhere and a tattoo on her back. I gave her a look as if she was an Alien. In my mind I wonder,"Jac mix with Ah lians?!" Anyway I don't wish to talk to them at all. Cos all Ah lians have an attitude problem and the way they look at you, they are actually looking down at you cos you are different from them. Been there, done that. So I know. I have piercings too but I limited to my ears only. The moment the Ah lians came, the sisters flock to them and talk as if they are long-lost friends like that. While the brothers keep to themselves one side. I stayed with the brothers cos I don't wish to talk to the %$^%$#@!

After service, Lorraine encourage us to get to know the new friends cos they are "shy". Ya right man! But BaoBei insist to go home early. As we have not much money to fellowship, we went home first. On the way home, someone called me and said we did not fellowship for a very long time. I was very angry and part of me feel like shouting at her. We did okay!? She then hang up my call just like that! KNS!!! BaoBei saw me getting angry and ask what happen? I don't wish to talk. After that I show him one particular SMS and he was very angry and said,"Oh! Just because Mum's birthday they don't go fellowship! Then that time my Dad's birthday! I also still stay with the members and didn't go celebrate!" I said,'Then why you never tell me?" He told me that he don't cos he knows that I will buy gifts for his Dad. Anyway, that was suppose to be a surprise and that is why he insist me to go home that day. But I didn't. Anyway, I had enough. When I fellowship with the members, WERE YOU THERE?! Anthea then called me last minute asking me to pass her the book. I then went to the station just to pass to her and ran off. I am very disappointed that she don't understand me! She has the same situation as me but yet she is telling me all these! Humph! After all these years, I thought that you understand me! But it seems that you don't. I thought you are the person who know me inside out and know what I am going through. But after what you SMS me yesterday, I realize that you don't. Whenever I go out on weekends, I have to pay for BOTH PARTIES(me and YenHao's) expenses! I am really sort of cash nowadays. Anyway, I have given up on the members. If they don't co-operate really because that I fellowship with them lesser, then forget it. I won't bother to chase them for prayer list if they don't give me from now on. They are tired that I keep bugging them for prayer list? I am also tired of them for not giving me their prayer request. Anyway, if you see this and know who you are, don't bother to call me to explain anything anymore. If you don't understand me, then I have nothing to say. No need to say sorry or whatever anymore. I am disappointed! Really disappointed! Because of fellowship you can don't care about my problem, then never mind. We have nothing to talk.

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Hamster!!!!!!!!!!!! Hamster!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yehhh!!!! Yeh!!!!! -_-"

I seriously hate work!!! I want to switch job!!! I heard that my Boss wants to retain me and that he doesn't want to hire anymore people. How?! Help!!! I am planning to tell him on the 3rd of next month. If he doesn't want to release me, I will just disappear from the company like that. Yes, I know I may sound irresponsible, but hey! There is no fix contract to say how long I will be working, PLUS there are NO benefits for me! Anyway, I don't see any reason why I should stay! Seriously! When I told HuiYi about this, she was very agitated and said,"What?! Cheap labour huh?! Don't be so soft-hearted can?! I think you really should leave!" I really feel like crying but I couldn't.

I then SMS BaoBei that I won't be going home so early and will go out for a walk. Whenever I SMS this, immediately he knows that I am unhappy about something or that I feel sad over certain things. He called me and after hearing what I told him, he said,"Ya, I agree with HuiYi with this. You are too soft-hearted. Don't give him face lah! Just leave! Where on earth have such a low amount of money?! Even part timers are paid higher than you!" Okay, but the fact is that I am not considered a full-timer yet. At least not officially. Derek also told me to leave if I can but not now. Maybe next month. I think F&B is suitable for me. Or maybe because I am so used to work in F&B line that I am not used to work in other lines.

Recently I have some "silly" thoughts. When I told BaoBei about it, he was quite worried and somewhat upset about it. Maybe it's because that I do not like both my workplace and my work. I wish to leave but I don't know how. I guess I will just leave everything in God's hands and hopefully He'll help me to find a way out.

When I reach home, I went to my brother's room and happen to saw a cage in his room. When I went closer, I saw my favourite pet!!! HAMSTER!!!!!! I do not know what breed is it neither do I know how to tell their gender. Cos I never study deep into Hamsters and don't really know much about them. My brother raise one of his eye browns and said,"You like it? Give you lor. I don't want it anyway" I was like,"Huh?!" I ask him then why does he buy it since he don't like it? He said,"My friend buy that hamsters a few weeks ago. He said that he gets tired of it and don't want the hamsters le. So gave it to me. But I don't like hamsters! Since you like it, you can take it. Here are their food and mats". I happily take the hamsters to my room and play with them. Luckily, they don't bite(although somehow I expected them to)" Very cute! My Mum said that since I have to travel to and fro from BaoBei's place, there's no way I can take care of the hamsters. She complain that they are smelly. Yes, they do have foul smells at times but that is part of their smell!

I think I will end here for now. Now thinking of how to bring them to my workplace and to Cell group meeting...Hmm..any ideas?

The 7 Deadly Sins that I have..Haha! I think I can go to Hell..

Greed:	High
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	Very High
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	Medium

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Should I go? Or should I not?

Went for work today and just as I expected, PAY DEDUCTION. But then it was not too bad lah. Still within my expected range. Boss ask me whether I can handle the invoice thing and I honestly tell him that I couldn't really handle. Cos one slight mistake and that's it man! You're in for trouble big time!

The Accountant came and we chat for a while. She encourage me to switch job. She said office may not be the best for me after all and told me to go for further education if I can since I am still young. Ya..but...Money problem. I learn from Aidah that NTUC member could get subsidise but then I must pay $9 every month. Then I'll have to pay $300 - $400 for the course instead of $2000. Sounds worth it but...I don't know.

Boss left in the evening and Derek then psst at me,"Psst! Pssssst! Oei!" I then turn my head to him and then back to the computer again,"Ya?" He then came over and ask,"Oei, heard that you kena deduction ah? Deduct how much?" I then look at him and said,"You know the FnB job before I got this job? That pay lor. With no CPF" He said,"Wah liew! Then you better find a new job. It's not that I wanna pour cold water on you or what, but seriously lah. That kinda pay! You might as well stay at your previous FnB job to work right!? Please lah! If you can leave, just leave. Don't stay. For what?! At this low rate?!" I replied,"I wish so too!" But then he hasn't got any replacement to replace me. Further more, he's going overseas soon and the timing to leave is just not right. Miss too many opportunities of 5 days FnB job!(Hey I really found some FnB job that's 5 days but haven't got the chance to interview yet). HuiYi suggest that I go and study diploma in teaching since I love kids so much. I am still thinking.

I know I hesitate here and there but because I am afraid. I have burdens and only my close friends will know what are my burdens. I will see how things goes. I have speak to BaoBei and Lorraine about taking 2nd job. Lorraine said as long as it doesn't affect my spiritual life, CG and my relationship with BaoBei, she's okay with it. BaoBei said that if I feel tired when working both job, might as well give up one of the jobs. So...those friends of mine, if you ever SMS me to go out and I couldn't make it, you would know why. Either I am busy with church stuff or I am just busy working. I will see how things goes.

I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Fireworks Festival 2007

Feeling very stress at work today. Took quite a long time to print out the export invoice and Boss was not very happy. Accidently spoil the Invoice machine and Derek spend almost the whole afternoon trying to get it fixed.(Sorry Derek! >.<) During the time that Boss and Derek were away, I am thinking hard whether to remain in the company or look for another job? But Boss don't want to release me! Help! Speak to one of my Second Life game friend through MSN and he told me that actually, since I have no bond contract with the company, I can leave anytime. Haiz...

Went to meet BaoBei at City Hall and I was late for an hour. Went to pay my phone bill before that. Haha! Just as I predicted! It really came in $100+! We then get takeaway food from Subway but he said he's not full enough. Went down to get Takoyaki for him. It was a very long queue. Almost fight with a stupid idiot Auntie there! KNS! *******!!! I WAS IN THE QUEUE OKAY!!! ****!!!! I place my order but the stall assistant told me to wait. There are a few others who was waiting for the same food with me. I then walk away wanted to get some drinks but there was also long queue(just opposite the Takoyaki stall) I then go back to the line to wait. The stupid Auntie said,"Eh hello excuse me!? Where you came from?!" I glared at her and shout,"I was in the queue just now!" She stared at me and I stared back at her. The stall assistant look at me and then turn to the auntie,"Ya, she was here just now. She had already placed her order first" Finally after about 15 minutes, the food was ready. I walk past the Auntie and stared at her again.

Watch the fireworks display in amazement. Ask BaoBei to capture the whole thing with his camera phone. I pray that no calls will be ringing from the phone during the fireworks display. Saw a lot of different fireworks on display. There is even one of the fireworks play, with a heart shape design! Saw HuiYi and Samuel after the fireworks. HuiYi gave me a big hug.

Went home after that. Thanks for all those taggies. I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Work II

Finally I could learn to handle my work a little. Thanks for all those who prayed for me. Wen Ting's prayer almost came to pass. One of the things that she prayed for me was for my Boss to scold me lesser. Indeed he does! At least...for now. But then, Derek get scolding almost everyday still. Haiz...I do pray for him too, for favour of God to be upon him. I have finally learn to differentiate the headsets. Although some still looks the same to me. I could only differentiate a few.

I am thankful for God that I've such a nice Boss. Yes, he's quite temperamental at times. But the accountant told me that if I get to know Boss long enough, I might find him quite a nice guy. He did try to sack me. But then, there's no replacement to replace me - yet. I don't know is it because of this, that I am still staying on or what? He knows that I've a very poor memory. But nowadays, in order to make things easier for me, he wants me to put a note and he allow me to use the stick-on pad to remind myself certain things.

Today, I got the procedure wrongly and instead of lecturing me like he normally would, and which I expected him to, he explain to me step-by-step on what to do and even point out to me what exactly I did it wrong(which he normally doesn't do that). I was quite surprise by his reaction towards me today. Still, I admit my mistake and said,"Sorry Boss, It's my fault. Erm...not Derek's. Derek told me what to do but I got it wrongly. Sorry". He look at me with a surprise look on his face. But still, Derek been lecture Boss. Haiz... -_-"

On Sunday, Lorraine ask BaoBei and me for a talk. She said something that I find it quite true. She said that if I still don't know how to handle the same situation, it'll happen again and again until I know how to handle it with a right attitude. Half of me expected that she'll blast at me for my reaction on CG(on Friday?) But she didn't. I can sense her unhappiness though. Now I know why I always quarrel(and sometimes fight) with BaoBei almost for the same things. Almost broke up with BaoBei that day. I took out the ring that he bought for me and our photos and throw at him. BaoBei look like he's going to cry any moment. Our dialog went like this:

Him:"Can we talk later after CG?"
Me:"No! I don't wish to talk! There's nothing for us to talk anymore!"

Him:"Please? Let me explain..."
Me:(Cut him off)"There's nothing to explain!"

HuiYi later hear both sides of the story and she help us to get back together again. Lorraine told me that I almost hit HuiYi that day(I don't remember I did?!)She said whatever I've given away, I must let it "died down" and forget it. Cos once it leaves my hands, it's no longer mine(Sounds familiar leh).

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Happy National Day!!!

Sulking with BaoBei the whole afternoon cos he don't wish to go out. Yesterday he told me that he don't wish to step out of the house at all. I felt upset. This morning when we woke up, BaoBei keep dragging time here and there and we only left the house about 4+pm!!! I then sulk again and did not talk to him.

Reach Marina Square and was surprise that the arcade was still there. Went in to play the games there and we went to the roof top to see the fireworks. The fireworks was beautiful. BaoBei then rush to the Gents and I was left alone. Watch the whole fire works alone in the end. I then cried a bit while watching cos my mind drift to the day 9th August 1999. Thinking about my ex. He promised me he will watch again with me next year 9th August 2000. But that day never came and it will never come to pass. When BaoBei told me that he will try to get tickets next year to watch with me, I cried. Cos somehow I had a feeling it won't come to pass...or so I am afraid. Here are the pictures of the fireworks that we took:

The pictures are the view from BaoBei's side. BaoBei and me got separated by the crowds. Saw some ex-colleagues there and My Boss and his wife?!(But he never saw me). Saw Elaine too but then, ever since she join the church, she has been ignoring me. Unlike the old days when we were in school. Church really does change people. Either good or bad. There are good and bad Christians out there. I say this from what I see in church. So don't assume that just because someone is from church, he or she will be goody-two-shoes or holy. It all depends on the person himself/herself. That explains why, non-Christians always had this mindset,"Huh?! I thought Christians should be _____(fill in yourself)?!" Or "Huh?! I thought Christians cannot ______(fill in yourself)?! I admit I am one of the "bad" Christians lah. I don't live completely by The Bible(Although I really take my hat off those who could do it)still, I try my best to live up to the 10 commandments but recently I just break one of them. If you had been "chasing" my blog all these years you would know what is the one commandment that I break.

To Lorraine, I am sorry that I answer wrongly the other time. I was absorbing what you said so I reply you too fast(without thinking) and wrongly. I really didn't mean what I answer. Please forgive me. Those who were there to listen that time, were all shock by my answer but REALLY, I DIDN'T MEAN IT! Although there was once upon a time I was curious to find out what does being a Satanist like? Oh ya, talking about this, Russell Lee Book number 16 is out in stores!!! Those Russell Lee fans, you can go grab it now! There's one section that a person wrote about his Satanist adopted Parents. Quite interesting but scary. Now then I realize Satan does bless his worshippers like God! But there's a price to pay. It's something that I DON'T WISH TO PAY FOR! I pity that writer and I pray for him that he will get out of his adopted Parents clutches and hopefully meet his real biological parents soon.

BaoBei finally admit that he feels stress whenever he's with me. I also feel that there's something change in our relationship. We don't know how to communicate anymore. Actually it's my fault. I keep comparing him with others and he feels pressure that he couldn't give me what other's bf could give to their gfs. I want quality time but now we are so busy with our own that we hardly spend any real quality time together. I want his attention but he's been paying attention to his PSP that he doesn't even know I ever exist. I wonder will cold-war will do us any good to help us to think through what we really want in our relationship? Sorry, I am a person who don't know how to express and speak. Maybe blogging and writing are my only way to express myself. It's been too long since we ever had any heart-to-heart talk. He says that whenever we had any heart-to-heart talk, he needs to smoke in order to talk. That's what I hate most! He also know that if he ever smoke, I will "challange" him by drinking(which I promise Bro.Khai that I won't)and BaoBei hates my drinking style. He also feels upset that now I am beginning to shut down and don't wish to share my thoughts and my day with him. Like e.g: When I had a bad day at work, I don't know how to release my stress. I just SMS him not to call me. Then when he SMS me back and ask me to share with him how's my work today? He said he wants to listen to me. But I just SMS him back,"Leave me alone"then he'll feel that I don't open to him enough. It was only though HuiYi, then he gets to know what really happened. Cos I share a lot of things with HuiYi. He said that he feels sad that he has to go through other people in order to know what I am thinking and how I feel. I really don't know how to talk anymore. I guess no one could ever help me...

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time. Happy National Day Singapore!

Prayer buddy + Financial woes + SL Game

Had an extremely bad day yesterday. But it's all my fault. Don't know why that I couldn't absorb what Boss says. Perhaps I am tired. The stocks went "missing" again. Boss says if this continues to goes on, he will have to start charging us. Help! Stay back over time to do stocks.

Went home with burden. Keep thinking of using my old way to release my stress...but every time I think of this method, HuiYi's sad and crying face will flash in my mind. Maybe it could be a sign that God is telling me to think of the people's feelings around me before I do anything stupid.

Call Wenting to pray. Share with her my problems and she pray for me that I will adapt well in my work and that Boss will scold me lesser. But I don't want to stay in my work!!! Feel better after praying. I share with her that I was thinking of holding two jobs cos BaoBei's and me spend a lot. She ask me to spend wisely cos Lorraine definitely won't let me hold two jobs. If I were to hold two jobs, most likely I won't be able to pray. HuiYi's effort will be back to square one. NO!!! Cannot!!!

By the way, for those of you who are confuse by my blog, I am sorry. SL DOESN'T mean Spiritual Life. It means SECOND LIFE. It's a computer game. BaoBei and me are engaged in that game. By the way, my God-mother in that game help me to organise a simple wedding. It's a last minute wedding so very few of my SL friends attend. BaoBei has finally change his Avatar into a handsome guy instead of the nerdy Avatar. But his new Avatar is very "Ah Beng" with big bling-bling necklace and a big tattoo on his Avatar's back. He also add fire wings to his Avatar. Makes it look like "Angel of fire".

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Scary Prayer + unhappy episode = running away from things?

To be honest, it has been a very long time since I've prayed. HuiYi encourage me to seek God all over again and to pray again. I was very reluctant. But still I prayed. 5 minutes at first, then 10 minutes. Now the most I could pray by myself without my prayer buddy is 15 minutes. I feel that the time I spend with God is not enough. But I don't know how to "talk" to Him.

This morning when I came for work, Boss was not in the office. Yesterday, he ignore me at work just because I didn't greet him,"Good morning, Boss". Derek said,"Oei! Later a girl will come for interview". I then sat at my table to do a silent prayer(Pray in my heart + speak in tongues in my heart) that Boss will NOT come in today, or he'll just come to interview the new girl and hopefully rush to somewhere else after the interview. 30 seconds after I prayed, Boss call in to say that he won't be coming to the office. (O.o)!!! After that, exactly 1 minute later, a new girl came for interview. She get her interview with Boss through the phone. Er...prayer is really scaring me now. My prayers come to pass in just 1 minute!? I then pray that this new girl will get accepted into the office. Don't know when will it come to pass?

Went to meet BaoBei at Vivocity. He was late and I wait for him. I ask HuiYi to book two seats before that and I promise her that I will be at the Indoor stadium. BaoBei then arrive and we walk aimlessly at Vivocity. I then said,"Oei! What time le?! We have to go to the stadium!" He said,"Huh? Can we don't go? If we go I will surely sleep there and it's not just 1 or 2 minutes this time! It's throughout the service!" Argue with BaoBei and urge him to go. He then seems unhappy and abandon me alone at the superdog fast food restaurant and walk away from me very fast! I couldn't catch up with him and lost him among the crowds. Sprain my ankle while chasing him so I just walk slowly for the rest of the journey while trying to search for him. I wanted to cry out but then so many people are around me so I just control my tears. I then SMS HuiYi again to say that BaoBei walk very fast and his face is very black. I was scared.

Later when I finally saw him, he was very angry. I tried to talk to him but he ignore me. He then SMS someone which I don't know who and seems very angry. I then SMS HuiYi,"Er..Actually, I think it's my fault lah. I ask u 2 book seats cos I thought of rushing down after my work but I duno he's so tired. I'm sorry". Lorraine then call BaoBei's hp and BaoBei refuse to answer. I then answer it for him and Lorraine sound very angry on the phone. She ask for BaoBei. I then slap BaoBei's arm and said,"Lorraine look for you! Answer!" He brush off my hand twice before finally answering the phone reluctantly. I don't know what do they talk about? After that BaoBei hang up and said,"Come! Let's go eat something!" I started to have slight Gastric pain but still angry with BaoBei,"What did Lorraine say?" He don't want to answer me. Didn't went for service in the end.

BaoBei then apologise to me while we were deciding on what to order. -_-" I wonder what did Lorraine said to him? Do we still need to go for service? All my questions were left unanswered. BaoBei ask me to find out myself. Haiz...

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.