Regretted joining TRUE YOGA + Prawning again?! = I must be more careful with my money next time -_-"

Sorry for the prolonged absence of blogging. I have been really busy with my life lately that I hardly have time to blog. Just last week, I was alone at Clevon(I don't know how to spell the name) and a guy approach me with a TRUE YOGA leaflet. I took the leaflet and he ask me whether I would like him to show me around?(for free) I decline at first but then he assured me that's it's free. So I followed him in the end(stupid me!). He gave me a brief tour on the facilities and later sat down to talk me into joining the club. He access my daily routine of my life and that he understands how stressful I am with my work. He said TRUE YOGA will help me de-stress, relax and at the same time, losing weight. The original membership total fees is about $3000 dollars but since I do not have money, I decline joining. He ask is it $$ problem? After negotiating for about a while and his Operation Manager have a talk with me, I blindly paid a sum of money(sorry I cannot state how much due to confidentially). I remembered before I left the club, the instructor gave me his name card and number to said that I could call him ANYTIME if I need help. This is what I am unhappy about:

Since Thursday until now, I have been trying IN VAIN to get through him. He doesn't reply my SMS and when I called the moblie number that he gave me, the operator reply,"The Singtel mobile customer is not available. Please, try again later" Imagine this, You paid for a sum of money in order to enter the club. This TRUE YOGA personnel, assured you that you can call him anytime if you have any regarding. BUT, just a day or two later when you tried to call, you can't get through and you keep hearing the phase that I have stated above, when you tried SMSing him, you didn't get ANY reply! How would you have felt?! I don't know what duties is my Consultant is for?! Since he is not available for me 24/7 or whenever I need help, or doesn't wish to have any contact with me at all, I don't know why in the first place he wants to be my consultant!? I have not lodge any complain against him yet cos by Friday(the day I book myself for Yoga session), I want to know what is his reason for doing this?! His mobile phone lost? He left it somewhere?! I don't know. The sad thing is, my membership is for 24 months! What an agony!!!! I am seriously thinking of either 1) Changing my consultant - Sorry man! I don't want to have a consultant who is NOT available for my needs! 2) Wait in agony for the 24 months to pass me by to terminate my contract!

Failed my sign language test and I didn't attend module 2 because it was raining very heavily that day and I didn't have any umbrella with me. Yesterday, BaoBei went shopping with me for the very first time(He doesn't like shopping malls), just because I wanted to buy a sports bra and shirt for myself. After that we went to his friend's place to see his 1 month old baby boy! So cute!!! But he's also very naughty. It's very difficult to get him to sleep. Later when they fed him, he went to sleep but during the baby's sleep, he vomited milk from his mouth!!! He was lying flat in his baby chair and I quickly carry his son to force his baby to sit up so that I can pat his back. He vomited more milk out! Haiyo!!! Didn't they pat him after he finish drinking his milk?! Some babies died from this because after drinking the milk, the parents or care-taker didn't pat the baby's back. I tell you an interesting fact: Babies don't have a natural digestive system like adults do. Whenever they finish the milk, a part of it actually stays in the baby's THOAT! That's why if you don't make the baby sit up and pat the baby's back, the baby will die! The sit up is the let the milk to flow into the stomach and the patting is to make the baby burp. If the baby vomit out milk, that means the milk is too much for the baby to take. If it is normal, you should be able to hear a small "burp" sound from the baby.

Went to AMK hub to shop around before resting at KFC. L and JZY came with JZ in a van to fetch us to prawning. We caught 29 prawns in total! This time is mostly BIG prawns! I realize that BBQ prawns taste much more nicer than streamed or boiled ones. BaoBei is really addicted to prawning. But I don't like the fact that I have to fork out $50 just for prawning?! There's a group of people, they have caught the BIGGEST PRAWN I have seen in my entire life!!! The person in charge later said that is the GRANDFATHER of the prawns!!! It is as big as a 2 year old toddler!!! So you can imagine how big is the prawn!? I wonder what did the group use a bait?

Went to JZY's house for majong session again. I accidently fell asleep in JZY's bed! Later I SMS her to apologise. Reach home around 4 plus in the morning and fell asleep.

Outing with LY + NB Kena scold again!!!! = EVERYTHING MY FAULT LAH?!

Went out with LY yesterday. Let her vent out her frustrations. I only know how to listen but don't know how to comfort people. Haiz...hope that will help her somehow. I pity her that she has tons of stupid homework to be done and her classmates are really not helping at all. But then, when you are studying in a "high-class" school, most of the people there you meet will be nothing but snobs! Trust me!

Kelly later join along to go to Anchor point. It has been a long time since I last went there and a lot of things have changed! They have a lot of new shops there and Kelly was very excited shopping. When we enter a shop called,"Bilabong", she ask me a question which made me very angry at the BITCH!!! TMD!!!! You like to spread gossip about me to other people is it?! I tell you because you were my friend then and I TRUSTED you!!!! Too bad I have trusted the WRONG person!!!! And all you can do is to just gossip about me and spread news about me around!!!! NB!!!! But LY says that she don't look down on me. Rather, she is 佩服 that I can go through all these ALONE. It's not that I do not treat her as a friend that I don't want her to know or whatever. It's just that I feel very 丢脸 that I did this when I was still young. If I ever find that bitch I will straggle her!!!

Send LY home and she gave me a lot of facial products. So far so good but a few of the products I use it wrongly. End up my face being very red. She talk to me a lot of things at her place too. Haiz...how I wish I can have a Meimei like her but....I don't know how to take care even for my own sibling! I hardly talk to my bro but I know that we will always be close no matter what. Some times I feel that LY, for her, she have a sister like have no sister. It makes no difference! Some more, I don't think HY knows the meaning of KINSHIP. Now she's moving out to live outside, only God knows which boyfriend she lives with(or how many bfs she lives with) owe money and don't want to pay back! Have you ever met such a lousy person?! Can't trust her word that she'll return at all!!! Have the money to buy branded bag but no money to return!

I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Scary guy....

Went to work in the morning and got scolded by manager again. Asking me whether is it that I do not have enough sleep cos my face is very black early in the morning. For your information, when I am deprive of sleep, my face be black. Just that you will notice I have half-shut eyes. My face is "black" because early in the morning, humph! Don't know which kuku like to bang things around and then shout at me using that demanding tone! You tell me lah!? How can ANYONE be happy working early in the morning, when the first thing they go to work, is to being SHOUTED at?! I keep quiet because I know if I ever talk back, you won't be happy REGARDLESS of what I say! I am just a "prawn" mah. You are "King" mah! What to do? Haiz...

Met LY on Friday. Saw Angel before that because I can instantly recognise her from her BACK VIEW. I enquire her about a position she offer me in her workplace but after hearing the job scope, I decline her offer cos I don't want to go through the same hell at office work place again. When I saw LY from afar, she shock and at the same time, surprise me. She look exactly like the "ME" when I was 17 years old. Long black hair, pale face(but that is because for her, her health is not very good) her eyes tells me that she deprived of sleep too. After bidding Angel goodbye, I talk to LY. Her school mates really sucks to the core! But no choice, in a "high-class" school, you will bound to meet some "act-high-class educated-act-Ang-moh" people. I pity her that she can't submit her school project on time.

I am sad that I can't help her much. Sorry, I am really a very bad comforter. I only know how to listen. Called BaoBei down and he talk a lot of things to her to make her feel better. BaoBei is a good comforter than me. That is why I called him. LY, don't feel like light-bulb. Just treat us as normal can? I am constantly worried about her as she is very low-self(Like me) hey! But at least she got talent ok? Not like me. LY, Ni ke yi de!

Went to meet the my SL friends again last week. Went for A's birthday bash at Sentosa. Her party is boring because she only talk with her RL friends. After that, we went for prawning at AMK with Jzy, J, SY, db, BaoBei and me. S later joined in. I am an very impatient person so it bored me prawning for 3 hours! But in the end, I manage to catch 2 prawns. 1 of them I caught it blurly. Cos when I was checking Jzy out, I didn't realise the prawn is biting my line. BaoBei said,"Your rod have something! Pull it out!" It was a big prawn! But not as big as BaoBei's 1st catch! He caught the biggest prawn in the group!

After work, I went to my usual bus stop to wait for my bus. While waiting, I played my PSP game and was engross in the game. A Malay guy approach me at first and speak to me in Malay. I don't understand him so I shake my head, he said in English,"May I know what time is it?" I took out my phone and told him the time. Later, he sat beside me and said his name is Shai and ask if he could be my friend? After that he chat with me and ask me a lot of questions. When he ask,"You got boyfriend?" I said,"Yes" he look very disappointed. I bid him goodbye and board the bus home.

St.James Power house

Met a lot of SL people yesterday at St.James. "R" invite me and BaoBei to the event, but I doubt she will invite us again. Later on, I will tell you why. There were about 7 of us there. Met "Jo" for the 1st time and she is not what I expected her to be. Well? What to do? It's SL! I feel like backing out at that moment at the entrance because "Jo" said at the very last minute that she can only bring TWO of the SEVEN of us in! But luckily for BaoBei, he was one of the guys who "Jo" selected to go in with her(For FREE).

We went inside and there was live band there. Later on, there was dancing. Saw "Glan" and his RL friends there. They were all so pretty can?! Went to get drinks with "R" and I had my usual Whiskey coke, while Tuil and "R" order something else. I was surprise Tuil only order fruit punch?! Hmmm...never mind. Went to the other club in less than 30 minutes of being there.

At the other club, they opened bottles under "R"'s name. Played 10s, 5s, and 20s with Jeff(Jo's RL friend). Glan join us later in the night. Poor him, he has to run two clubs at that night. There's one point before I was dead drunk, I remember Glan sat beside me really close(as in FULL body contact) and talking to someone else. "W" was beside me, shaking his head with the music. Later on, I felt a hand on my right shoulder for a brief moment before the hand moved away. I have no energy to lift my head to see whose hand it was. I am still sober to know the things around me though I am drunk. Just that my ears....the music seems to be drifting further and further away. BaoBei claims that the hand I felt was his so I just assume it is.

Walk back to the other club to join Glan and BaoBei keep pushing me to dance with the girls. There is one guy who tried to dance very close with "R"(cos "R" is the prettiest among us girls) I keep staring at that guy and I realize through out the night, "J" was beside "R" all along. They used to be SL couples. Since day one, "J" has almost always been beside "R". I said almost because the very first meeting, the group photo, I was standing in between "J" and "R". I did not know they were SL couples then. If I had knew, I wouldn't stand in between them. After the meeting, I heard that they broke up in SL shortly after. I blame myself for their broke up because, as a superstitious person, there is a saying, during photo-taking, a person CANNOT stand BETWEEN a couple. It's a very bad omen. But from their contact, I can feel that "J" still likes "R" very much. I also pray that one day, they will be finally together again, this time, in RL!

Went home with BaoBei in the end cos he nag about my drinking. He says he is worried about me going home alone. Hello!? I went home by MYSELF before when I was dead drunk ALONE ok? He says that he has his responsibility. Haiz...guy's ego...haiz...

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

p.s: Li yi, I know you are upset. I am glad that you have a friend to confide into. I am also your friend ok? You also can look for me. Take good care of yourself especially YOUR HEALTH. I am worried for you.

Movie

Went to watch "Money not enough 2" yesterday. The movie was funny but it talks about real life stories of what Singaporeans are facing currently. Raising oil prices, raising cost of living. I like Hwee Ge sentence,"Government always raise this raise that but yet our pay still remains the same!" He echos my heart-felt feeling towards my current life. Singapore has rank the 5th MOST EXPENSIVE country to live in on a worldwide survey! How pathetic is that?! Transport price are going to raise again on October. I think it's time I take bicycle instead of MRT to work. Of course I have to wake up very early. I really cannot stand living in Singapore anymore! I have discuss with BaoBei about migrating to another county but because we are short of cash and my qualification is low, I don't know if I could survive overseas?

Things are work wasn't going well. I do not know whether or not to resign my work? I am very tired of all these. What is the use of working so hard but yet NOBODY appreciates of what you do and your work is NOT recognise? Keep saying that I didn't try hard enough!!! When I do, DO YOU EVER NOTICE?! No! You only care about your ******* part-timer!!! He does LESS work but he get MORE PAY!!! Fair? He can joke and laugh with you at work!!! When my other colleague and me have only a SHORT chit-chat at work, YOU STARE AT US! FAIR?!

I have been thinking a lot of things recently. I am considering really hard whether or not to tender my resignation? Cos if I tender now without looking for a job first, the good thing is IF I got my last month's incentive, it can really last me for 1 month 2 week of my jobless period. If I got only $800, It can only last me at most 2 weeks or 3. Then, on Straits Times, there's a newspaper cover saying that jobs are not as rosy because employers are now very careful about who they hire for work. I ask Ivan a question: Should I tender first before looking for a job or the other way round? He says depends whether I have enough money for me to survive for my jobless period? I have things to pay other than my own hp bill!

Sometimes, I really wish to end my life at some point of my life. Cos I was thinking,"I am just a rubbish and garbage in this world!" I have no talent. Everyone has a talent in some ways but I have none. I only know it's something you LOVE to do, and you don't mind doing it even if it's for free. That is your talent. It's something you are very good at. Until now I really do not know what is mine? BaoBei's talent is cooking and drawing. Li Yi's talent is drawing(I have seen a few pieces of her work before) or maybe something else that I do not know. My brother is computer gaming and Maths. Me? I do not know. Lorraine says my talent is my poetry but I don't agree with her. Though yes, I love to publish my self-created poems but because I believe there are more experts poetry's than me, so I don't believe my talent is that. Even if it is, Poems can't get me anywhere at all! It's just something I love to do and my poems inspiration doesn't come easily like others. It's not something that I anyhow write about it or think once and I can create that kind. I don't have that kind of inspiration. I have to struggle to think about how to express something that I felt in words! Those who had seen my published poems before on this blog, you should know my poems doesn't contain strong words or my poems are not the kind that make people go,"WOW!" or "Wah!" that kind. Though I did remember publish one of my MOST SIMPLEST poem on wholivesnearyou.com and I got a "WOW" response from a reader, and another poem which brings a tear to A GUY'S EYE! Imagine a GUY reading my poem and he almost cried reading it!? I don't know. Poems still can't get me anywhere. The reason why I am dis-satisfied with my own poems, is because mine is not the shake spear kind of poem. I am not even close to shake spear. Shake spear is the most elegant, well-written poem that I have ever read in my entire life. Those who study literature in secondary school, now you know why I am not satisfied with my own work? That kind of poem, even if it is written in anger, you can still find gracefulness in that poem. Sorry, I can't write that way. However, I will try to write it that way if I ever can.

I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Yeah! PSP!!!

Finally!!! I can get my hands on a PSP!!! Though it's not a new PSP, it's a 2nd hand. The original owner only use for 2 months. He initially wanted to pass it down to his brother instead cos he says he is bored playing with it. BaoBei bought it from him instead! Yeh! Why I am so happy, is because, BaoBei told me that the PSP that the guy is letting go, is a LIMITED EDITION GOLD PSP!!! How cool is that!?

Actually I had wanted to get a PSP badly some time ago but then, I was thinking since I don't use so often, might as well forget it. But after that, when I saw my friends around me, ALL OF THEM HAVE PSP, I am a little bit envy + jealous. But if I got one myself, then next time we can play battle mode together and I don't have to either sit there to watch ALL of them play, nor do I need to keep borrowing PSP from people(very pai seh you know?)

The other day, one of Li Yi's friend went out with us. We were discussing whether to eat 'Fish 'n' Co'? Together with Li Yi of course! Li Yi, if you read this, next time either you or Kelly organize then I will join in okay? But then I have to warn you that the food there is NOT cheap. Though I heard from a few friends that the food taste nice.

Saw that bitch some time ago but I didn't call her out. She was with Angel at that time. I do not know the girl personally but I respect their personal space. When I told BaoBei, he was very angry. Because that bitch initally promised to return bit by bit sum of money to BaoBei but until now, there wasn't even any news of her! NO MONEY TO RETURN TO BAOBEI BUT HAVE THE MONEY TO CHANGE BAG!!! See?! What kinda LIAR is that?! To YOU: If you ever get the read this, please go and reflect!! Best is that you go back to see your old SENT messages, YOU DID SENT A SMS TO YH THAT YOU WILL RETURN HIM MONEY ONCE YOU GOT A JOB AND WILL PAY HIM BIT BY BIT DEPENDING ON YOUR PAY!!! THIS IS WHAT YOU SAID! NOW YOU HAVE MONEY TO CHANGE BAG AND BUY CLOTHES BUT NO MONEY TO RETURN HIM IS IT?! SO?! AREN'T YOU A LIAR?! If not, then WHAT are you?!

I don't know if there's any way BaoBei could get back what that bitch owe him!? Tell me what to do?

Top Bloggers + Plastic surgery = Envy

When I walk past BaoBei's neighbour today, I saw "The Sunday Times" July 20, 2008 article on the doorstep of the neighbour. The cover page was featured Dawn Yang(Singapore's No.1 Top blogger) and XiaXue. Apparently, Dawn's lawyer sent a letter to XiaXue to seek her apologises on one of her blog entries that she comment on her blog about Dawn's plastic surgery. After reading the article, I went to look for Dawn's blog and she look much more prettier than I had expected. But when I see her past photos of her, she was indeed just an average looking girl. She did a nose and eyes job(I assumed) cos she had smaller eyes when she was younger. After her plastic surgery, surprisingly, she is much more prettier than XiaXue!(Sorry XiaXue, though I am your fan but still this is my honest opinion)

XiaXue then publish the lawyer's letter in her blog. Some childish people force her to show her lawyer letter if it is genuine that Dawn had sent her. I was like,"Eh come on! didn't you read the newspaper?! If you did, why the hell would you still traumatise XiaXue!? You know that the newspaper did state so then just be it lah! So if you force XiaXue to show, means that you don't believe what the papers has publish?!"

If I am rich, I wanted to have a plastic surgery too. But too bad I am not. The girls seems to know how to make-up exactly like each other. I think I will have to end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Stress + end my life??? = Can I just go??? T_T Wo hao tong ku....

Things have not been going on well....My manager said that he will let me work until August. My mind is in a blank. I don't know what else I could do. Everywhere I go, I seems to get bullied. Is it because I am too quiet?(I tend to keep things to myself), or it is because I am too simple-minded? I do not know exactly what kinda job is suitable for me?

I have a lot of burdens. Burdens for now and for the future. In a television show, a person said,"The past is history. Since it's past, there's nothing you can do to change it. So why bother? Tomorrow is Mystery. Whether you are alive tomorrow or not, you will not know. So why worry about things that's 10 years down the road? Today is a gift, make use of today. That's why, it's called PRESENT" I still don't understand what she meant.

I don't know how to share anymore. I am already shut-down...on the edge. But with no one really to turn to. Yes, there are many people around me who is willing to lend a listening ear but....who can really help me out of my life???

I know that what I am living now are all tempoary. But I really can't take it anymore. Is there any permenent solution? I am really tired.....tired physically, mentally and emotionally.....of all these things. I am tired....I wish to end all these.....

Ivan's Birthday + SL kakis + Sign language lesson 1 = Happy!

Sorry for MIA for the whole month. I have been busy with a lot of things and I do not know what to blog. Celebrated Ivan's birthday last month and it was fun! We have chalet at Pasir Ris and some BBQ activities. Ivan was very happy when he saw his gifts. Esther gave him a PSP slim blue colour on his birthday!!!(My favourite!!) and Ivan was touched that he kissed Esther for the first time in front of us. Woo!!! Strangely enough, all the girls in the chalet said I became prettier -_-" I don't know is that a compliment? Cos I don't know how to take compliments very well. They even showed me my latest picture taken a few months ago compared to the current picture, and said that I have changed a lot. We sabotage Ivan with a party spray. He was covered in webs of spray!!! Hahaha! But his reaction was very funny though. Made all of us laugh.

Met a few more SL kakis in RL-cum-SL gathering. Finally get to see some new friends in RL. Now I can see who is controlling which Avatar behind the screens. Some guys are soooo handsome! But have tattoos all over their body -_-" There is a guy who look almost alike with BaoBei!!! I almost grab his arm on one point because of the similarities! He was holding the door for us to go out and because I only seen his BACK view, I thought he was BaoBei! I almost grab his arm but something tells me that he is not BaoBei(women's sense) and I hesitate to grab his arm. Later when the guy turned around, I was relieved! I thought to myself,"Heng ah! Almost hold the wrong guy's hand!" When I told this to BaoBei, he said,"Wah! Got new boyfriend is it?!" Went for supper later and we sat into two separate groups. I really hate that! Cos cannot mingle much. But then I like the topic of my group. Talk about news and RL issues while the other table was talking only about SL issues.

June went by very fast and in a blink of the eye, it's now July. One month never blog. I think this time, no one reads my blog le. Hahaha! Lorraine help me to sign up for sign language class and I had miss the orientation! KNS! How do I know? Cos when I step into the class, I notice that majority of them already have worksheets and I don't. Plus, the guy beside me, has a set of worksheet that is very different from mine. His worksheet sign language seems more harder than mine. The thing I don't understand is, there 2 girls in my class, their sign already reach level 5. Which means they can sign quite well in memory without looking at the stupid paper. But somehow they re-study level 1(The level I am at now) I wonder why. I saw the Pastor who interprets what the teacher is talking about. She seems very serious. There's also a guy, Level 6 student, there to help the teacher to translate(Interpret) what she is signing about. The teacher told us to give ourselves a "sign name". A special short-cut name for everyone to remember and to sign easier. The thing is, she wants us to think of our hobbies and use that as our sign name! I don't know how to sign my hobby! Maybe next week, I will sign my initial name "JL" which stands for JulietLi. I am still struggling to learn my ABCs in sign language cos some signs are similar that I always got them mix up. Either that, or some alphabets I forgot how to sign. Lorraine said if I master that sign language, she ask me to consider to join the "talking hands ministry". A ministry that preach to the Mute-and-deaf. You have to stand in front of the stage directly opposite Pastor, to interpret what Pastor is saying, to those people. Sorry, I do not have that kind of confidence. Neither do I have a strong sign language background to do that. To interprets, you have to know how to sign what the pastor is saying. The thing I hate about sign language is finger-spelling. You spell the word out with your fingers. It takes a long time to get the word out for me and since I am already struggling with my ABCs, it's very difficult for me to spell-sign.

Part of me wanted to look for Royston to teach me but then, I really hate him to the core. He is the only one who is willing to teach me. But...I lost his contact and don't wish to contact him a few years back because of something that he said. He also gives me the creeps. One of my ex-boyfriend who know about him, wanted to bash him up badly. He is the kind of guy everyone loves to hate. He is a few years younger than me but I don't know how, rumours got spread around that he is trying to woo me back then and that is why my ex-boyfriend got upset! I saw him at MRT once and we happen to be in the same cabin! I refuse to greet him. At that time, he seems to have lost a lot of weight and his countenance was very bad. I had not seen him since but I know he lives near my place(unless he moved)

Now there are still interpretors there to help us. But lesson 5 onwards, there will not be interpretors there and we have to understand directly what she is signing about. She signs very fast!!! I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Motive + BaoBei's lack of understanding + Turtle's strange behaviour = T_T

A cleaner from my workplace has been terminated for his service. I knew the Uncle only by greeting. A female cleaner now took over his place. I used to have short chat with him when I went to throw rubbish. The last few days that I seen him, he keep asking me out and ask me not to bring BaoBei along. I wonder why. Anyway, it's only dinner. But I had turn him down indirectly.

I am very upset with the things that's happening around me!!! I am more upset with the way BaoBei react to my situation!!!! He doesn't seems to understand my situation even after I had confide in him!!! So what if I had told him?! He still remains the same!!! Whatever for?! Humph! I really regretted not doing it in the first place!!! I should have taken my life there and then!!! Everything will be over soon~~the voice in my head says. I HATE ALL OF YOU!!! You lead a life that is indifferent. Regardless of the seasons, regardless of your family woes, regardless of your job. You lead a life that is the same! But I am not! and I can't afford to anymore!!! My situation has changed!!! I CAN NO LONGER HANG OUT TILL LATE LIKE BEFORE!!! BAOBEI DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!!! MY COLLEAGUES BULLIES ME!!!! MY WORK AND CG GIVING ME A LOT OF PRESSURE!!! PRESSURE THAT I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! I WISH TO END ALL THESE ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!! HUMANS ONLY CARE FOR THEMSELVES! THAT IS HUMAN NATURE! HUMANS ARE SELFISH!!!!

I have broken down - finally. Is that what you all expect to see?! Is that what you all want from me?! If it is, Congratulations! You won! I HAVE BROKE DOWN AND CRIED! BUT DOES ANYONE CARES?! NO! WHO CAN I TURN TO?! NO ONE! NOT EVEN A SINGLE SOUL!!! Turtle has been acting strange lately. The other day when Esther ask BaoBei and me out for dinner, IT WAS A LAST MINUTE THING! I didn't realize that turtle was affected badly by the outing itself. She was upset why did it have to be a guy who ask her out and not us girls! US GIRLS?! ME INCLUDED INDIRECTLY!!!! BUT DO I KNOW THAT SHE IS NOT COMING AND DA LAO PO IS NOT COMING IN THE FIRST PLACE?! DID I?! NO!!!! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!! BUT YET WHEN TURTLE SAYS THAT, I HAVE A FEELING THAT I WAS SOMEHOW INVOLVE! NOW SHE DOESN'T REPLY MY SMS AND DOESN'T WANT TO PICK UP MY CALL!!! WHOSE FAULT IS IT?! WHO'S TO BLAME?! STUPID!!! I FIND ALL THESE THINGS VERY STUPID!!! What else could I have done?! Tell me?!

I have decided. Since every time when I try very hard to open up to people, people took advantage of me, bullies me, heck care me, don't understand me, misunderstand me, I will go back to my old ways once and for all, cos it's the third attempt I have tried. Sorry! No longer will I open up! No longer will I share! What's the use of sharing when people don't understand?!

I wanted to tell BaoBei to give me some space and perhaps we should be separated for a long long while for now. But I don't know how to tell him and I doubt he will understand. I insist on my way, he insist on his. There is no real communication anymore. We don't really communicate anymore. When was the last time we really communicate? A very very distant long time ago. All he cares now, all he wants now, it's only one thing! When was the last time he did really care about me? A very long time ago too....a very distant memory. I don't know what is wrong with guys themselves. I know you all have this thing called "Ego". So? Just to boast that up, in front of my friends, you act like you are prince charming and act like you really care about me. But...when situations really calls, only I can see your true self! Only I know whether or not you really care! But can my friends see?! No! They only see the "gentlemen" and "caring" YOU.

Maybe....only maybe. This will be the final time I will blog. After that I will left my blog dead. Or I will just continue ranting my frustrations here and that's it. Thanks for reading my blog all these years(or months). I have broke down....Can anyone see? Does anyone really cares? T_T

Break down + negative thoughts = Help?

My day was not very good on Friday. Cried on the way home cos being chase out by Manager. I do not know what exactly I had done wrong. Feeling very suicidal there and then...almost took my own life(not going to tell you how). Shared with BaoBei about my day but..he could only listen. What else could he do? He's in camp. My friends were at work. I am alone. My heart feeling very heavy. I cried to myself and no one hears. I think I am already on the edge.

Hang around at Clementi area and went home at 2pm. Lied to my Mum that I am not feeling well, therefore releasing early from work. Didn't want her to worry. Rent some VCDs to watch and I cried while watching the VCDs though most are comedy shows. Pretend that I cried for the show and luckily my Mum didn't suspect a thing. Cos she is still learning English and so she thought that the show must be touching enough for me to cry.

Went for CGM and cried during CG too. Can't seems to stop my tears from flowing. The CGM was about prayer. You prayed for another person though HS. Very difficult for me cos my spiritual is not strong. If your spiritual is strong, you can really sense what is the person you need to pray for, like a sister from another CG did. She laid hands on me and pray for me. She said that I am facing thunderous amount of pressure and the pressure came from ALL sides at one shot. She said that I had already broken down(Did I?!)and said that God is only behind me. I just need to call out to him and pray. She said she saw me in a calm lake. In that picture, I was carefree and very relax. She said I need to release all my burdens up to Him. After she prayed, I cried very badly. BaoBei came for CG and the same girl prayed for him. She said she saw BaoBei on a ladder, heading towards God but somewhere, somehow, he is stuck in between to ladder and couldn't move. Went back to BaoBei's home to sleep. Cried at night and he consoles me and told me not to think too much. I worried about the future. I don't know why.

My friend celebrated my advance birthday for me. Eat 2 hours of steamboat and went to a cafe. They gave me a big bag for my present for the upcoming chalet. I was surprise that V SMS Esther to ask her to help him wish me Happy Birthday. When I saw the SMS, I was like, -_-" didn't really wish to talk to him. Although he didn't chase Lynn anymore but still, I don't know. I don't really treat him as friend. He's not my enemy now(cos I don't treat him as one) but neither is he my friend. Can considered strangers. I know, it's sad. But..I don't know how to put my thoughts into this. Do you know why V remembers my birthday? Because his Mum's birthday and mine are the SAME! Just that the years are different. That is why!

Yesterday, my CGMs help me to celebrate my birthday for me. Though it's not grand but I feel touch that almost all of them came! Jaslyn feels very sad that I didn't share with her my problem. I told her that I almost commit suicide on Friday and she was shocked! She said why didn't I call her to accompany me then? Cos...most of my friends are at work. She is studying and BaoBei is at camp. So..I am left with nobody. I told her that I think I have already broke down but I didn't know what I was doing at that time. All I know then was that I wanted to end my life to end the sufferings and the hurt that I have felt. The only reason why I couldn't do it is because people were walking here and there. The place I was at, is not very crowded but at the same time, if I were to do anything silly, I know someone will have seen it. So....that's why I am still here typing. Jaslyn said if I were to do that on that day, my soul will go to hell and will never make it to Heaven. Yes, I know. But...I am really suffocated at that time. I don't know what I was doing, I don't know what to do.

My leave was not approved. So I have to work for the whole week. My manager still treats me the same. But somehow, I felt a little bit better and a little bit happier. At least he didn't bother me so much...just for now. I hope my luck has indeed starting to be better.

I think I will end here for now. Don't know what else to write. Will blog again some other time.

Prince?! More like a bastard!!! Pui!!!

Went to meet Esther, Ivan and turtle to hang out yesterday. We were chatting happily until Esther received a call from Da Lao Po, saying that her prince will bring her to graveyard to drink. We thought they were joking at first but then things seems to get pretty serious as time goes by. Turtle was very worried for Lao Po and we took a cab down to Lim Chu Kang Cemetery to look for her. I followed Turle and BaoBei followed along too. We bid Esther and Ivan goodbye before we went to search for Da Lao Po. The cab driver refuse to drive us in even though we don't mind paying more. He also said,"Who the hell with the right mind would go into a cemetery to drink at night?!" The cab driver just drop us at the enterance of the Muslim Cemetery and we had to walk all the way in to look for Da Lao Po ourselves!

On the way in, I held onto BaoBei's hand tightly. I heard a lot of strange sounds that I couldn't describe what they were. In front of us, all three of us saw a flash of light, flashing at us only once and disappear! Ivan ask later was the light came from the graveyard watchman? I tell you, the answer is NO! There is NO graveyard watchman around at that time although there was a wooden house on my right hand side. But...even then, do you know that the house, which is the nearest to us, have to walk a distance to get to the house itself? When we got closer to look where the light is, it was only a tree! How on earth could a light came from a tree?! The time when we reach the Muslim graveyard was past 12 midnight and it was full moon. We then saw a van driving towards us. I ask is that Da Lao Po? We went closer to look and she was in the front seat of the van. I slam the van door and of course, her "prince" wasn't very happy about it. Turtle pull her aside to talk but Da Lao Po don't seems to listen to her.

After that Turtle went to talk to "prince" while BaoBei and I smoke at a corner. He was glaring at me though. He then agreed to drop us at Redhill MRT station. When he finally drop us at Clementi MRT station, one of his Malay friend with a big dragon tattoo on his back, came down and scold BaoBei, saying that he don't like the way BaoBei walks. Very sa pa rak(386 in hokkien). He ask us to remember his face(I will!), and said that if BaoBei walks that kinda way again, he will beat him up outside. NBC!! That is his natural walking way! Whatever shit you are unhappy about?! Then if others don't like that way YOU walk, does that mean they have the right to beat you up also?! I regret that I didn't stand up for BaoBei at that time.

From then on, I hate her "prince"! Don't know what she sees in him! Okay..maybe it's not him but I really don't like his social circle of friends! I know I don't have the right to interfer. It's her choice and I have to respect it. From then on, my impression of her boyfriend drops. He is really not suitable for her after all! But well, when you are so in love with a person, especially since he's your first love, most likely you won't listen what your friends point of view for your guy. Cos to you, your guy is almost perfect. Only those around you will see the full picture.

I will end here for now. Da Lao Po, if you don't like anything I said here, I am sorry but I am stating the fact! I had apologise to him for slamming his door and he said this to my anata before he left,"You stay in Whoapoh right? Be careful!" and then to me,"You too!" What the hell does he meant by that?!

Mess up life + Gangs = My only source of death

Went home to watch the 9.30pm channel U show about bloggers. The show talks mainly about Teenage gangs and their lives. When I watch the show, I realize that I am not as "hiong" as them as I have thought. The main character was a girl grew up from a rich family. Her behaviour really very "Quai". Really not suitable to be an Ah lian. The way she fight, I really don't know what to say. Only to think,"Siao eh..is that what you called fighting?" Her gangs even have to teach her how to fight -_-". They fight with other gangs in order to snatch territory(a place where they claim is their "land") Those who were in gangs before or are currently in gangs will know what I am talking about. But then I thought usually territory snatching is done only by senior gang members and not Juniors?! After watching the whole show and the main character wrack her future because of her slipping grades and was force to be on the venge of kicking out from school. Her rich parents were upset and worried about her future. By the way, the school she studies at is one of a top school in Singapore. Part of me wanted to join a gang again. Yes, I might be wasting my future away with those people but then again, what kinda future do I have? None! The main character also cuts herself with pen-knife. She said this,"Don't ask me, whether is it painful? I just want to feel the pain to know that I am still staying alive". Her cuts are deep and are fresh wounds! For me, during the times I cut myself, my reason is this,"I want to feel the PAIN so that I could feel the COMFORT in the later part of the pain" This, again, only those who cut themselves before might know what I am talking about.

BaoBei called to ask me about work and I seriously don't wish to talk about it. There's nothing to talk about. My manager is really very annoying these days!!! I don't know what the hell is wrong with him?! Don't know since when, whenever I punch in for work, he will surely find something to scold me!!! Even though the things might not be my fault(JUST BECAUSE I AM A FULL TIMER) I think it's because he feels that full timers are the ones who should be scolded regardless whether the duty is done by them or not! NBC!!! His part timer earn more than me okay!!!! I have ask around my friends without revealing my pay, whether is it reasonable for a PART-TIMER to earn MORE than a FULL-TIMER? Ivan said it is impossible for a part-time to earn more than full time unless they work longer hours than full time or they are working 12-hour shift. Everything I do(or NOT do) will get scolded!!! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF IT!!!!!!! Just quarrelled with my Manager and he says things that it not what I meant! I don't wish to quarrel with him further but only to state the facts! Khair said I am being sarcastic but I am not!!!

Though out the whole TV show, my Mum keeps on talking about BaoBei and his Mum. Because I shared with her that she is being scolded by his Mum. My MUM being bullied by others and yet I can't do a single thing!!!! She ask when his Mum said that, did BaoBei said anything? I said no(Most of the time, BaoBei don't know what to say) She then keep blaming me that I don't study hard enough and get myself a rich guy. Please lah...rich guys won't like ugly girls like me. She is disappointed that I have to live in BaoBei's place but yet being bullied by the members in the household. She said why don't BaoBei stay over instead?(Cos BaoBei don't like my home). I also shared with her that BaoBei wants to be a teacher and not a Chef when he comes out for work. She states that teachers earn lesser than Chef and on top of that, it's very hard to get into a school plus they have to keep on going for courses and studies to upgrade themselves.

Why is life much more difficult to live as the years went by? I only miss my Primary - Sec school daze only because during those times, no one dare to talk to me, no one dare to approach me. I am only with my gangs for 2 years and left the gangs, after that and I am on my own. Even then, still, no one approach me. Not that I am a good fighter or whatever. But because the way I throw my tantrum whenever someone provokes me or angered me. It's only a small action but yet it is big enough to impact on my schoolmates not to anger or provoke me.

I said that in a joking manner to my friends before, don't be sad for me even when I die. Just forget about me. Thinking back, what is there to be sad? Is it because my presence is no longer felt?(If so, I tell you, your life really be much more better without me than you think!). Is there any other reason? Friendship? Friends come and go. So....1 more or lesser, seriously doesn't make any difference. Love? You will find a better girlfriend(or maybe wife)than me, seriously speaking. I have no achievements, no title, no money, no fame, everything that I should have, I don't have it.(Yes, I have friendships and Love) but I still feel something is missing. Maybe death is the only answer for me.

For my friends: After reading this, please don't panic for me. Please don't worry. I am just blogging for fun. I won't have the courage to die. So no worries. Esther, this is the part that I told Turtle why I smoke for the real reason: I want to end my life slowly. Besides my stress as my other reason(which is also true. Not lie) But when I die, I make sure my ENEMIES will die together with me!!!

The world is really a cruel place...why did God create the earth and humans in the first place?! A lot of messy things are happening, a lot of ugly things are reflected! No God, I don't blame you for creating the world. The world is nice on the outside. I enjoyed your creations like the sun, wind, clouds and sea. Not forgetting your plants too(trees, Jungles, forest etc) but do you know God? The world is really corrupted on the inside??? Incest are happening(which you forbid in the first place), crime rates are increasing, humans living in mess up lives, the 10 commendents are breaking:
1) Thou Shalt not have other Gods before me:
-> Then what are those idols and statues and cults for?

2) Thou shalt not murder:

-> Then why are deaths of murdered occur in the world? Because of hatred and unresolved anger?

3) Thou shall not commit adultery.

-> The human flesh only goes for new things. New human. New feeling of love and affection. It's really very hard to stay faithful to one partner

4) Thou shall not steal.

-> Some people can't possess what they longed to have thus...the sin

5) Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.

-> That bitch(HY) did this to my BaoBei! Then?! If it's not false witness, what is?! LY, your sister break this commendment!

6) Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
-> Sorry Lord but I find this very difficult! Especially to BaoBei's Mum!

7) For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and consecrated it.

-> That is why we have 6 days work week on most places -_-"

The rest, some of it is repeated on the above. So refer to Bible for the full commendments. This time, I guess, I really break down. I don't know what to do anymore. Don't wish to talk to anyone.....don't wish to live....just wish to be alone

My life

Cruel eyes of the society,

harsh reality of the world

Despair lurks in my eyes

Sorrow dwells within my heart

Trying to find ways to end my life in a flash

Ending the misery and the pain that pierce from within

Friends leaving my life one after another

Enemies surround me, awaiting for revenge

Words that I couldn't speak,

feelings that I couldn't show

Trying to stay invisible,

trying to be non-existent

On the whole, I may seem alright

Deep inside, I'm being tore apart

A broken heart,

a fragile mind

Breaking down on the inside,

trying to be strong on the outside

Crying till the tears runs dry

Shouting till the voice went hoarse

Whoever can help me?

Whatever can save me?

Wishing hard to end my life,

just to escape permanently

from this cruel and sarcastic world

LY's workplace + her change of mindset + Charger arguement = SIAN!!! PEK CHEK!!!!

Baobei and me went for dinner a few days ago at Cineleisure and he happened to saw LY. I didn't see her until she turn around. She was greeting her friend who is seated behind us but didn't see us. I then tried to wave at her but she didn't see me..until I call her name out. So coincidence! She is working at Taka B1 selling shoes(like her elder sister did -_-") Oh sorry..I forgot you almost don't have an elder sister..(That bitch!) Chat with her very happily but I scared she will kena scold by her boss. Her friend(whom I don't know her name) was Ivan's God-sister! KNS! The world in Singapore is really very small! Ivan also know 1 of my ex-boyfriend's cousin, Han Bing! While Angelia's kid brother is Aidah's friend! Wah liew! Ivan surely has strong connections!(Scarly he also happen to know my ex-boyfriends gangs) I do really hope that Li Yi has no longer self-inflict injury on herself anymore(Oei LY..I am worried for you on this part). Erm...at least she claims that she doesn't. Anything can find me.

Turtle stayed over at BaoBei's place last week. She borrowed a charger from Ivan(TAKE NOTE OF THIS PART). Before that, I heard Ivan proudly proclaimed that he has a few similar chargers at home so no need to worry. After that she claims that her bag is heavy and pass the charger to BaoBei. Which by the way, the charger is SIBEI LIGHT! But because BaoBei will be away in camp for TWO WEEKS, he pass the charger to me and ask me to remember to pass it to Ivan. Okay..like that never mind. I THEN REALISE THE REASON WHY IN THE FIRST PLACE TURTLE PASS THE CHARGER TO ME(or BaoBei for that matter) This is my guessing: She is afraid of being "chased" by Esther! Which is what she eventually did to me until I got extremely fed-up! This is what Esther did that lead me to be angry, frustrated and stress!!! Esther, in case you do not know why I got sooooo angry and fed-up, this is THE REASON WHY:

Baobei already pass me the charger to ask me to pass it to Ivan, on Monday, we did not meet and you ALREADY SMS ME TO REMIND ME TO BRING THE CHARGER! I did not reply because, I had already told you before a lot of times and even in front of Jia Xing, then whatever SMSes that only requires me to reply: Okay/ok or any ONE WORD LETTER, I WILL NOT REPLY!!! Even though I may have received your SMS. This is my style! and to the rest of my friends who view my blog, if you send me any SMS that requires me to just reply OKAY, please take note, I WILL NOT REPLY AND I DON'T WISH TO REPEAT THIS AGAIN!

2) I know that your lunch time is in the afternoon. But hor, if you already sent me an SMS to REMIND ME TO PUT INSIDE MY BAG, WHY DO YOU NEED TO SMS ME DURING MY MOST BUSIERST HOURS?!(Which happens to be rush-hour LUNCH TIME!) to ask me whether I had put in my bag?!

Sorry that I did not state and did not say this to all of you: From now onwards, my handphone is 24-hours ON! And I will never silent/off my handphone unless I am in these places or circumstances:
1) Cinemas
2) Church
3) CG meeting
4) Places that requires me to switch off or silent my hand phone

5) My handphone battery is either low-batt or completely dead!

Da Lao Po, I am sorry to have shouted at you even though this whole thing is not your fault but I am really very angry that Esther keep on SMS me during my most busiest hours! Esther, try this at your workplace if you dare for just ONE DAY. You switch ON your handphone(NOT SILENT MODE) and set your ringing volume that only YOU CAN HEAR. When your phone rings, in front of several customers who gave you a strange look on their faces, how would you feel? And if one of them comes to you to ask,"Excuse me Miss, is that your phone ringing?" How would you feel?

After the whole episode, Turtle and Esther SMS me. One to apologise, the other to thank me. If you still don't know what I am angry for, then forget it. Just take it as I am talking to the wind!

Money + SL addiction + Quarrel with BaoBei's Mum = Can I really die???

Things are not going well for me these days. Recently I realize that whenever Ivan is around, I need to spend more than $50 on food and cab fare to go out with them. Esther, it's not that I am not happy or whatever but I am thinking, if we need to spend so much money in long term to go out, I might as well meet you all once in a very blue moon. By the way, thanks for helping me to organise my birthday.

I am very sad, disappointed and regret introducing BaoBei to Secondlife game. BaoBei wanted to introduce Li Yi to the game but....somehow I don't think it's a good idea. Li Yi, I prefer that you play with your SIMS rather than SL cos SL is very deadly to play with. Recently, in the straits times on Sunday(I mean last last Sunday), they report and feature about SL gamers. To me, I agree only 50% on the report itself cos the report only reflects the bad image of Secondlife(SL) game. They describe how the game works and there is also an article about how a couple broke up because of SL. The boyfriend played SL game and was addicted so badly that the couple now broke up. The guy met a girl through that game and she was from Korea. He was so serious about his virtual girlfriend that he even flew to Korea just to visit her in RL. Crazy as it might sound but it is a true story. This is what happens when you are too addicted to SL and in some cases, some people merge SL into RL!!! Which leads to psychological unbalances in life.

I started playing that game after my Dad introduce me to the game but he himself wasn't interested in the game much and gave up after playing for 2 days. I, on the other hand had already played the game for more than half a year. I like my current Avatar and the clothes she wears. I admit I was addicted to SL once and my friend Marcus comment in my tag board not to be obsessed into the game. I don't know in the end how I manage to over come that addiction. Probably because in RL, I had a job which already tire me out enough and that plays a part to help me curb the addiction. To be honest, there was a time I almost broke up with BaoBei because of the game itself. That game plays a part in drifting BaoBei and me emotionally apart. Actually, I think not all people agree with me that SL is deadly. Seriously, it's HOW you are going to play that game and whether will you let the game influence your RL to the extend that you aren't yourself anymore. BaoBei cherish the people in SL more than his RL friends(That's what I think). We even quarrel over a stupid bloody L$200(Linden $200, equiventlent to Singapore $2.00). Because I use his account and Avatar to help a friend in SL find her baby. I didn't find it in the end but she still reward me L$200. I gave her the money back and when BaoBei saw it, we had a huge quarrel over it. He says the money in SL are difficult to earn(which seriously it is) but I didn't manage to find her baby so I think I don't deserve the reward. Although I search the whole Kakis Island by myself.

Quarrel with BaoBei's Mum for the very first time in my life. She came into the room when BaoBei went away for camp and scolded me this and that and even accuse me(without proof!!!) that after wearing my clothes, I didn't wash in the washing machine and just dump it into the cupboard and now the cupboard stinks!!!! I HATE BEING ACCUSE OF SOMETHING THAT I DIDN'T DO AND I SAID THIS UPTEEN TIMES!!!!!! After BaoBei came back, he told his youngest aunt about his Mum. Of course as relatives, she surely side his Mum! After that when Ah girl told BaoBei's Mum about what I told BaoBei over the phone, she shout angrily,"I say her is for her own good! Complain to Ah Hao Lah! Impressive is it?!" WHY IS IT THAT EVERYTHING THAT BAOBEI DOES, I AM THE ONE WHO IS BEING SCOLDED AND PUNISHED!? I HATE IT!!!!!!! His Mum even want my Mum's number so that she could call my Mum to scold her. What kinda respect is that?! In the end, BaoBei had a quarrel with his Mum and his Mum said that from today on she won't say anything about me(Ya right man!!! KNS!!!) Skip church for the day and feel very depress. Feel like jumping out of the window to end my life straight but too bad....BaoBei's window had grills -_-"

Feel like slashing my wrist but have no pen-knife. Feel like eating poison but don't know where to buy. The only way I had is to eat overdose sleeping pills(Which I KNOW where to get it). The problem is: Whether or not I dare to take the step of....should I say faith? to die. Cried during my work one day for no reason. I also don't know why I cry for. Before that in my mind, I imagine my friends, BaoBei and my family members especially my Brother surround me. Feel very sad. Don't know what to live for and don't know what else to look forward to.

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again next time.

Friends encouragement + Broken IC = FUCK!!! Wo shi shuai de lor!!!

Went to meet Esther after work. Was suppose to go for prayer meeting but I didn't go. For my CGMs, if you gain access to my blog by don't know how, sorry to say this to all of you, I HATE LAST MINUTE PLANS! I believe that I have stated it in my previous blog entries before. Ai Zhen SMS me last minute by saying that tonight there's a PM at River walk. It's near my workplace but still, SORRY! I still hate last minute plans! I wasn't informed that there's a PM going on except for the coming Sunday.

Nowadays I then realize that most of my CGMs are all gone. In a sense that a few of them back slided, or only to contact me for fellowship and church stuffs. Seriously speaking, I had told Lorraine that I won't and don't wish to mingle with ANY of the CGMs anymore. Not after that stupid incident. She told me to step out and renew my mindset. Try going through what I have gone through and then come and tell me again! There's 2 new members in our connect group. 1 of them really behaves like Vincent!(This name didn't appear in my blog for a very long time le hor?) God is really testing my patience(sorry..should I say, molding?) God!!! You know that I am extremely impatient!!! Haiz....Was wondering since BaoBei stop going to church and CG, should I stop going too? In a way that I become what Esther did. Just go for church service and have no bondage's towards CGs. Cos you see, CG is suppose to be a group whereby your church members gone though with you thick or thin. Fellowship with you, pray with you(talking about this, I forgot when was the LAST time I really prayed) etc. But sorry to say, I still feel it lacks of something to sustain me. Plus maybe there are more and more commitments, so I feel more and more pressured.

Something happened during my work. I was sent to UOB plaza 1 to deliver what it seems like a letter to one of the offices there. In exchange for the visitor pass, I need to give my IC to the securities at the counter. I remembered very clearly that when I gave my IC, it was in good condition. When I came back from the office, this is what happen: When I receive my IC back, it felt very different in the touch. Like somewhere there's a CRACK! When I look carefully, the right side of my IC had indeed been crack off(almost to the state of broken into half!!!) I was very angry and question the security of how they handed my IC!!! One security answered me,"Every one's IC is the same! You broke the IC yourself is it?!" NB!!!! If my IC has been broken earlier, I WOULD HAVE KNOWN!!!! He then said,"Go report to police lah!!!" After that I went back to work and Khair help me to call his friend who is in the police force to ask. He said that there is nothing the police can do about it plus I do not have any witness or solid evidence to say that it's the securities who broke my IC. SWAY DAO~! I was very angry until I don't know what to say!!! The only way I could console myself is this Chinese old phase,"Jiu de bu qu, xin de bu lai" meaning, the old won't go, the new won't come by. Anyway, I see this as a good opportunity to make a new IC. I wanted to make a new IC long time ago - Just to add my Christian name behind my full name.

Went out with Sheryln, Esther and turtle. Ask Sheryln a lot of questions about the IC renewal. In order to add my Christian name to my new IC, I need to engage a lawyer to sign the court documents and to use the document to make a new IC. Of course will be much more expensive. But to me, it's still worth it. Cos...it's my name mah!

Went for a chat with Turtle while Esther and Sheryln went for toilet break. I told her something that I never told my other friends before, my real reason to why and what I am doing now. When she hear it, she shared with me about her depression and how Sheryln manage to make her get out of it. She ask me to find my own source of way to release. Cos different people release their burdens and stress differently. When Esther and Sheryln came back, Esther ask me to tell her my other reason. Sorry, why I don't wish to say is because I don't want you all to worry about me. Turtle said to them,"When she feels that it's time or when she feel like telling you, she will. Just don't force her". Though I said it out to turtle but don't worry. I won't do it. At least, I know myself. Cos if I wanted to do it, I won't say it out until I do.

Turtle then send me a chinese SMS that it's very meaningful. It's about life. Though I do not know who the ORIGINAL sender was, but the message was encouraging enough to make me cry. This is the message in English(sorry cos my computer can't type chinese so I will translate the SMS in English):

In the process of growing up,
there will bound to be set-backs
know to protect yourself
know also to love yourself
life's happiness or sadness
depends on how you want to write it
hiding might not be able to hide from it
facing it might not be the most unbearable
getting it might not last
losing it might not mean that it won't get back
turning around might not mean that it's the weakest
Don't be in a hurry to say that it's no choice
Don't think that in this world, there's only right and wrong
the answer to many things doesn't only mean one
so, we always have a way to go
you can find a reason to be sad,
surely you can find a reason to be happy
the people who have no worries, found relaxation
the people who knows how to forget, found freedom
the people who knows how to care, found friends
meaningful? Share it with your friends

Sorry that if I am bad in my translation. Those friends whom I have forward the above message to in Chinese will know what it says. It made me shed a tear but at the same time, it is encouraging enough to make me live on.

I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Colleague's strange behaviour + unreasonable schedule = KNS!!!

Went to work in the morning and scolded by Manager. He ask one of my colleagues why were we knocking off late yesterday night and she's kinda angry and scolded him back. But then again, WE ARE NOT PAID FOR OVERTIME, so why did the Boss make so much of a fuss?! He then laid out a schedule of "rules" that we are to follow. On that day, I am already not in a good mood cos I only manage to sleep for only 3 hours! Cos the fellowship end late and somehow or rather, I couldn't get to sleep. I don't want to take the sleeping pills cos it will make me sleep for at least 8 hours! The other day, Pastor just preach that we should get at least 6 hours of sleep to be sufficient. I told Khair not to disturb me or talk to me for the rest of the day cos I am not in a good mood due to lack of sleep. Talking about this, Manager told us that we are NOT suppose to talk at work at all!!! NBC!!! BORING WORK LIFE!!!! The only time I AM allow to talk is only during my break hours, which is only40 minutes!!! SAI LAH!!!

Feel like punching something and shouting at somebody!!! When Khair saw me in that state, he suddenly said,"Ai yah..come come. You beat me lah. If after beating me up will make you feel better, I don't mind". I said,"You siao ah?! KNS! Beat you for what? You are not the one who offend me what. Siam lah!" He then block my way and refuse to let me go out and said,"You beat me first. If I pain then I let you go"
Me: "Siao ah!? Siam lah!"
Khair: "Mai leh"
Me: *Pek Chek* "You better siam or else! Later you fly then I don't know"
Khair: "oh ya? See who fly first. Wanna try me?"

Me: Siam lah!

After that I finally hit him..but softly, on his arm. I don't know how to describe my feeling at that time. Khair wanted to go drinking with me tonight but I am meeting my friends later in the night so I couldn't join him. He is still wounded from his relationship. Anyway, the way I heard him drinking, I will sure get knock out before he do.

Went to meet Esther, Da Lao Po and Turtle(forgot her name). Played DDR extreme and they said it will help me to release stress. Okay lah. But still I don't know how to release. Have Pasta Mania for dinner and went back home after that.

Movie

It's been some time since I last blog. Don't know where to start. Went for the SL-RL BBQ last week and it was fun. Meet some of the players there. But all they talk about is SL and nothing else. BaoBei seems to click with them really well. Needless to say, he does all the BBQing. After that, Amok and Kerr take over BaoBei to BBQ.

SL girls in RL are quite pretty(except me lah!) Meet a lot of interesting people. Especially Tuilipcia. Though she is big size but her dress sense is superb! Celebrate Reds birthday that day too. But the decline to reveal her age. Because of the confidentially, I am not allowed to post any of the outing pictures.

Went to movie with Esther, Da Lao Po, her friend and BaoBei yesterday to watch "Step Up 2 - The streets" I have never watch "Step Up" but I heard that it doesn't link to "Step Up 2". The movie is about Hip hop dancing and in the movie, the students who were passionate about hip hop, would do anything to pursue their dreams. Even if it means to sacrifice their studies. Extreme right?! The main character(Andy) skip a lot of classes and schools just to be with the dancers as dancing is her passion. But then one day, she was forced to choose between dancing and school. Or she will risk being sent to Texas(another country) for studies. She went to school in the end, but find it extremely hard to cope with her school life. She has to juggle between, studies, her CCA and her street dancing. But because of school, she was kick out from her street dancing team due to the fact that she missed a lot of practice sessions with them. Things just got worst from then on. She then set up her own team in school.

She went to the usual club that her ex-gang used to gather and dance there with her new team mates. But when they see that their rival dance way better than them, they give up hope. Andy encourage them to keep trying and surprising, midway of the movie, one of her best friend from the streets, leave the gang to join Andy to help them in their dance moves. Their efforts didn't gone to waste! They even issue a challenge to the ex-gang dancers through the Internet and that made the leader of the pack angry. When they were back to challenge once again, this time, they defeated the ex-gang dancers. Andy said this before the dance,"Dancing is about different kinds of people with different background, different walks of life, come together to dance. To show off their skills. Not to fight against each other". She wanted to end this criticism once and for all. With that, she got the support of the crowds and went out in the rain to dance. I was amazed at their skills! In the end, they won the hearts of the crowd.

I wanted to look for the songs in the movie. Guess I have to wait till the sound track is out in stores. I only have one of the songs from the movie. Which is the main song. After that, we bid goodbye to Esther, Sherlyn and her friend. I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Shouting from Albert

Went to work today in a tired mood. Not enough sleep these days. I hope that I could get enough sleep someday. Later in the afternoon, Albert punch in for work. But during lunch time, he suddenly shout at me when I told him not to throw the coffee bean into the sink! In front of several customers, he shout at me,"Shut up lah!!!" I was thinking,"Na Beh!!! I work here longer than you or you work here longer than me!?" But I shout him back,"Say that again?!" After that I had no mood to work for the rest of the day. Luckily I applied for half day leave beforehand!!!

Later Albert called to apologise. Deep down, I am still hurt. Plan to celebrate my Mum's birthday in advance but she doesn't want. Waste my leave again. I wanted to go shopping but have not enough money.

Played SL game and I don't understand why BaoBei likes to flash other girls picture to others!? But then, is okay. Probably because I am already not in good mood and plus he is paying attention to other girls recently, I am sensitive. I know I am not attractive enough. So? No need to flash other girls picture in front of me to tell me that! I am already low-self enough!

Recently, me too have been started to think about other guys. I do not know whether is it a sign that we are drifting apart emotionally? I cannot really blame him for attracting to other girls since I myself is not available to him 24/7. Should I consider to be single again? I don't know.

Will end here for now. Don't know what else to write. Will be looking forward to SL-RL BBQ!