Depression

Work today was very difficult. STUPID WENDY! I really hate to work with her and thinking of quitting my job but too bad, if I quit my job now, I do not have money to survive and I am not confident that I can get another job so easily. Jia Xing suggest me to join her company as she is quitting soon. I told her I'll consider about it. Nor is also quitting her job next month and she wants me to follow her to study nursing course. Sorry but I am not interested in nursing course.

After lunch, wendy then write me a note,"I go toilet". I was thinking,"Why? mute huh?! cannot talk huh? Must use note to write to me like that huh? Okay lor..never mind! You want to continue this way right? I can continue with you till next year!"Cos I was thinking of quitting only if I get my bonus for next year, then I will look for job from there. I cannot quit now. Cos I do not have money to survive.

After work, I went to look for Nor and she invited me to join her to Dbl O on thursday. Wah! I then ask her she's not scared that the incident will happen again? She said,"No. This time, I make sure I'll go with a very big group of people already. Of course I scared lah. But I make sure I go with 10 people or more if I go club". I then raise my eyebrowns at her. Haiz..too bad I have to go Kbox with my friends that day so I could not join her. I then ask her to follow me to Music Underground next thurday she replied,"MU?! You wanna go you go yourself ah! I don't wanna go!"I then ask her why. She said,"There always got alot of ah lians ah! Got fight somemore! Don't want! I will go any club you ask me except MU!"I was thinking,"Wah liew! MU so scary meh?"Cos I had never seen it myself so I do not know. For those who go Music Underground before or are regulars there, do you mind telling me how is it like there? The crowds, how is the structure of the place like etc? I only heard my god-brother told me before that the dance floor is quite small there.

I then help her until 12am. Wah! So late?! I never notice that it was so late already. Time really flies today. I didn't notice the time until she ask,"Eh Juliet! 12am already leh! You don't wanna go back?"I then look at the clock and said,"Wah! So late?!"She then shoo me off,"Go go go..if not ah..you got no bus to take home don't blame me". We then walk to the bus stop together and she said,"Eh if your bus never come then I give you money to take taxi home". I then reject her offer and luckily there is a bus for me to get home and it's the last bus.

Sorry I think I have to end here for now. Will blog again soon.

Thank you for everything

Yesterday, I went for my Bible study conduct by HuiYi. She said she was nervous but I felt that she is a wonderful "peacher". She can share God's word very well. Li Yi joins us for Bible study cos Yue Ming is not there to conduct the Bible study for her.

We then went for service after that and Brother Tony came to me and ask me about Vincent. The moment I heard his name, I don't know why but a feeling of depress came over me. I then told Brother Tony Vincent's recent "progress" and he ask me to pray for him. I nearly wanted to broke down and cry right there and then. But I force myself to hold back my tears. I think Brother Tony had seen tears forming from my eyes when mention about him so he dare not talk to me any further and walks away. There are some things I do not know how to express in words or actions. So..forgive me for that. I am a person who don't know how to express well.

After service, Hui Yi then pull me aside to have a heart-to-heart talk with me. I had never seen her so serious before. She is quite worried about what I write in my blog and probe me about it. I then told her everything about me from what I was like from childhood to why am I behaving this way towards all the brothers in church. When she learnt about my life, she was shock but encourage me to tell Brother Tony about it and to seek counselling as she feels that because of so many bad experiences I had in life, it has become a negative impact on me. I told her,"Don't worry. I won't get married or have another relationship ever again. Cos I feel that I am no longer loved or cherish by anyone". Other reasons are I could no longer trust guys anymore, I feel that I am not being accepted. She then told me not to look back at my past but to look at my future. What future do I have for a girl like me?(Hui Yi should know what I mean by this).

Hui Yi then left quite early as she has to meet her friend and I went to Brother Tony and ask him to arrange a counselling session for me. He then have a heart-to-heart talk with me again and ask me about my family. He was surprise to learnt that I have never actually really talk to my father for 10 years. I mean a heart-to-heart talk or even a decent conversation. To me, my father is almost a non-existant person. When I was young, he was hardly home most of the time as he have to work from morning to night. By the time he came home, we will either by sleeping or gone to school. Anyway, the main reason I do not want to talk to my father, is because I couldn't forget an incident that he did to my Mum and me. I have forgiven him for what he has done but the incident that I witness him did to my Mum was unforgetable. I will never ever forget what I saw! My Mum said that I was dreaming but I know I am not! My father's used-to-be-violence is also one of the reasons why I do not want to get married. Since that incident, although I have relationships, but I have never ever thought of marriage. The idea of it just scares me.

I then went out with my friends but I am not very happy through out the whole meeting. I keep thinking what Hui Yi and Brother Tony had said to me and I am very hurt by someone. I guess he will never ever get to understand my feeling. I do not know how to communicate with him anymore. I don't know why. It really hurts me deeply but I guess to him, it doesn't matter. Cos he will never ever understand how I feel and I don't think he cares.

Haiz..tomorrow is Monday and I really dread going to work on that day. Cos I don't want to see somebody's black face the whole day! I will talk to Peter about it and see what he says. I guess I shall end here for now. I do not know what to type. I felt very painful deep inside my heart but what can I do? I am feeling very useless! So much things happen and yet I could not solve them. Haha..what a useless fool!(I mean me okay?)

Where is it?

Yesterday morning, I woke up quite late. Woke up at 9am!!! Ahhhh! KNS! Mati! LATE AGAIN?! I then quickly shower and take a cab to Simei ITE to attend my friend's "shop". When I reach there, I couldn't spot them and I keep walking around the campus while talking to Esther on my hp. Sheryln then spot me and lead me to where they were. Wah! Simei ITE is sure big! Can compete with some of the Polytechnic buildings!

They had not set up the store when I reach there cos they were also late. But I went there in a rush and after buying, I then quickly rush off to work in taxi again. Cos of the time constrain. I start work at 12pm but I reach Simei ITE at 11am. So..you can imagine how rush I am. When I reach work, I only saw wendy there but she show me the "black face" look. When I went in, the first thing that came to my mind was,"KNS! What the %&^ did I do again?!"I then went to do my work.

At 1.30pm, Ya Cin then came to work and I overheard Wendy telling her about the earrings. Why can't she just confront me straight when she's not happy with what I am doing huh?! I don't know what did I do that she keeps on ignoring me! Ai yah! KNS! Heck care le! While at work, the phone ring and I pick it up. It was for Wendy. When I was about to hand it to her, SHE SNATCH THE PHONE AWAY FROM ME RUDELY!!! KNS! WHAT KIND OF ATTITUDE IS THAT?! I wanted to shout at her at that very moment,^&$%@*%(short-form vagular words)!!! WHATEVER YOU ARE NOT HAPPY JUST SAY IT OUT LAH! DUN KEEP SHOWING ME THAT STUPID BLACK FACE!!! NI ZHER YANG CIANG TIAN HUA SHI SHEN MO YI SHI?!" But I just glare at her for a moment and walk off. Seriously, THAT IS NOT ME! I know myself that I won't be so torlerent and be able to control that kind of anger. But something made me keep my mouth shut and walk off. I just don't know what is it. Maybe to others, it's not surprising. But to me, it's very surprising! Especially when I am not the kind of person that can control my anger at all. I can feel anger boiling within me but strangely at the same time, I felt a sense of comfort that is trying to calm me down. Seriously, if I can split myself into two, one of me will stand down there and looking at myself with my eyes wide. Cos I really can't believe that I can really do that! In my mind, I was thinking,"O.o! You can walk away like that without shouting at Wendy?! Oei! This is not you man! This is not the Juliet that I know!"I just torlerate lor and I keep on telling myself,"Ren(3)! Ren(3)! Wo yi ding yao Ren(3)!"although I know that I'll be "bursting" out any moment.

After she finish her work, she then complain about the wrapping papers - directing at me again! Again I glared at her and feel the sense of comfort again that asking me to calm down again. What exactly was that feeling? Seriously I had never had that feeling before. Especially when I am angry at someone. Surprisingly, I never went to punch anything(which I normally do when I am angry). O.o?! Is this Juliet?! Hello?! The "Juliet" I know is NOT torlerent at all okay?! I just glare at Wendy until she walks off. Ya Cin then keep quiet the rest of the day. I think I know why.

After work, I try to avoid Nor but..haiz..my workplace is so small. She then ask me whether I wanna accompany her to meet her God-brother? I ask,"For what sial?"She then told me she is still not happy about that incident and may meet that guy out with her god-brother to settle. She told me,"You help me jaga my things. If by 1 hour I am not back, call the police". I then SMS my god-brother to ask him whether is there any NR from Teck Whye to my place? He ask me why am I doing at Teck Whye? Cos Nor ask me to follow her to Teck Whye to "talk" to the guys??? I then explain to him what happen to Nor and he SMS me back saying that what Nor is bringing me, is 100% gang thingy and he doesn't want me to be involve. Oh is it? But I thought she said "Talk only"? He then called me and insist me on going home cos he don't want me to get into trouble. He's afraid that they'll drag me into the matter. I understand his concerns. I then showed Nor a "pitiful look" and she ask,"Why? What your God-brother say?" "Nothing..erm..Kak, can I don't follow you or not?"I replied. She then seems to get angry and said,"Aiya! You ah! You don't wanna follow then forget it lah! I go myself! Then anything happen I also die down there alone!"I ask what does she meant by that? She said,"Nothing!"

After that she then ask me to accompany her and her friend to chat along the pavement. We then chat for quite some time before I went home and SMS my god-brother that I've reach home before going to sleep.

help me

This morning, Adrian called me on my mobile phone. I then pick up the call and he told me he was thinking of attending a church! He then ask me if I could help him to join my church on March. Seriously speaking, I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THE SAME CELL GROUP AS HIM! He then ask which cell group will he be if he joins the church I am attending now. I told him if he goes by himself, he may be alocate to a cell group by the counsellor who pray for him. If he were to follow me, I have to introduce him to the cell group I am attending now. GOD! WHY DO I HAVE TO STICK WITH HIM?! YOU ARE BEING UNFAIR! YOU KNOW MY FEARS! YOU KNOW WHAT HAD HAPPENED AND THE HOLY SPIRIT HAD WITNESS IT! WHY DO YOU STILL ASK HIM TO JOIN MY CELL GROUP?! WHY?! I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM!!! HELP!!!

He then told me something,"If the church can convience me to believe in Christ, then I'll consider joining the church". Part of me was thinking,"Wah kao! Who the ^%# do you think you are?! Must convience you to join the church?! It'll be better if you don't join! I don't wish to see you!"But another part of me take it as an oppotunity to save a lost soul. But..CAN I DON'T BE IN THE SAME CELL GROUP AS HIM!? I SERIOUSLY DON'T WISH TO BE WITH HIM! He said that he join the church only because of me. I then told him that he should do it for God and not for me! Anyway I know his real intentions of joining the church. Which is also the reason why I don't want to bring him in the first place!

He can even pretend nothing had happened between the both of us and act as normal! KNS! I am beginning to hate guys like that! Sorry lor! I am not the type of person that can play pretence lor! Feel like murdering him! Cos nothing could take away the hatred that I had for him! I know the Bible ask us to forgive and forget. But how could I?! Sorry God, Sorry Holy Spirit, but..I COULDN'T DO IT! I COULDN'T FORGIVE HIM! and most importantly, I COULDN'T FORGET WHAT HAS HAPPENED! HOW COULD I?! TEACH ME!? DON'T ASK ME TO PRETEND NOTHING HAS EVER HAPPENED AND MOVE ON! I TELL YOU, I HAVE TRIED! BUT I COULDN'T FORGET AND ESPECIALLY COULDN'T FORGIVE NO MATTER WHAT! I AM NOT THAT MERCIFUL AND I AM NOT AN EASILY FORGIVING PERSON OKAY?! ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO MATTERS LIKE THAT! I AM STILL TRUMATISE BY WHAT HAD HAPPENED THAT NIGHT!

I then told him that I do not want him to come for once or twice and never come. If he wants to come, he should be totally committed to Christ!(I said this to scare him off actually). He then said,"What if I couldn't come because I had something on? What if I don't come for no valid reasons?"I then told him sacasticly that he might as well don't join the church in the first place! Sorry but I really couldn't bring myself to be with him no matter what! I know God needs souls to be save. Sure, I can save his soul if I want to..but fellowship with him after service? NO WAY MAN! THAT IS TOTALLY OUT OF THE QUESTION FOR ME! If he stays after service, then I'll leave! If he leaves, then I'll stay! FULL STOP! My friends should know why I am acting like that(I have told you all the whole story of what happened le)!

He then hang up the phone and I went for work. After work, Nor then came and meet me to chit-chat. She then offer me a bottle of beer. When I look at the brand, it automatically reminds me of him!(That *******!)I then told her that I don't want to drink with her for today. She ask,"Why? scared you get drunk? Please lah..this brand of beer won't drunk 1 lah!" I said,"I know. But I don't wanna drink today can?"Actually, I lied. I just don't want to drink that particular brand. Just looking at it makes me think back of the incidents. Although it is not that brand of beer that made me drunk but because that night, he was drinking that particular brand. So no matter what, if i see that particular brand of beer, it will automatically reminds me of that ugly incident!

I think I shall end here for now. Sorry for the nonsense blog for today. Can anyone tell me how to help that idiot to receive salvation from God but at the same time, seperate the both of us in different cell group?

Hahaha...sen jing bing!

Today's work was quite boring. Wendy and me didn't talk for the whole day. Don't ask me why cos I also do not know. She always seems to have mood swings. The other day, I just overheard her backstabbing me. She thought that I didn't hear what she says! I just pretend that I didn't hear it. If I ever had a million dollars, the first thing I would do is to go for sex change operation. Yes, to become a guy! Then I'll see what she says then! Since she said that when guys called me even it's just once, I can hear very well. When girls called me, I can't hear. Sorry lor! KNS! When Peter called me, I also didn't hear lor! He also complain that I have hearing problem! It's just that you are not around to witness lor! You didn't witness that when it happened so don't say that I can't hear when girls called me! Peter called me the third or sometimes forth time then I realize that he is calling me lor! Or I can cut my hair to boy's style lor okay?! It's not like I have never cut before! Whatever you are not happy just say it to my face! Don't backstab me! And don't think that whatever you say to Ya Cin about me, I didn't hear it lor! I HEARD EVERY WORD YOU SAID LOR!

After work, I then went to look for Nor cos she came to look for me in the evening to ask me to drop by her workplace after I finish work. When I went there, she told me that on Saturday, she was attacked and rob by 7 guys from Planet Paragrim(My favorite pubbing place). Her handphone, some of her valuable items and the bracelet that I gave her on her birthday was snatch by the guys. I then thought in my mind,"Thank God that I never join them on Saturday!". Cos I was thinking of joining them to clubbing after service but Jia Xing had ask me to watch horror movie with Esther after my service. So I sms Nor that day that I couldn't go clubbing with her and went to watch mid-night movie with Esther and Jia Xing instead. I then think,"If I had join you all on Saturday, I will also be one of you who get beaten up". Nor's right cheek was swollen and her boyfriend was hurt very badly during the fight too. The police are now investating on the matter. They initially wanted to go to Tunnel but Sue told Nor that she had no money so they decide to go to Planet Paragrim at the last minute. When they leave the place, 7 guys approach them and beat them up and snatch their things away. The police came a little too late. Now Nor is thinking of taking action herself and will go back to Planet Paragrim to settle the matter herself. She is thinking of looking for some of her friends to go back to Planet Paragrim with her and if she happen to spot her attacker, she will have a fight with them in the club itself. Cos she is very upset and heartache that her boyfriend had suffered more serious injury than her and her friends who go along with her were not spared too.

After that she then went to buy two cans of beers from Cheers and ask me to drink with her. I then drink with her while she pour out her problems to me. Her boyfriend hasn't gone home since that incident. She's quite worried about him but she couldn't do anything. I just pray for her boyfriend to be safe and sound. She then told me that after the incident, she dare not go clubbing anymore and will only go drinking with her friends under void decks or public places as she is still traumatized by what had happened. I can understand her feelings. Cos I am still huant by something that happened some time ago. When some of my friends learnt what had happened to me 2 days ago(cos they said I didn't exactly state what happen),on that fateful Wednesday, their reactions are all the same - shocked, followed by anger. That is exactly the reason why I don't wanna share in the first place. Cos I am not prepared by their reactions. That is also why I dare not tell Brother Tony about it as I do not wish to see the same reaction from him. This time, I told myself, if I were to go to those places again, this time, I'll go with FEMALES! She then said to me,"Don't know who ah..at MOS that time, drunk already ah?" I then look at her and ask,"Who"? She said,"You lah! huh? Sit down there and watch the people dance only. You think I don't know you drunk?"I then ask how did she know? She said,"Cos you keep looking at the people dancing and smile only. Smile to yourself somemore! You think I don't know? Wah you ah..becoming more like Elzy. When Elzy drunk, she also like you lah. Smile only!"I then laugh at her comment and she said,"Wah next time ah..I think..if we ever go chiong, I better jaga the both of you. You two ah..very scary. I thought only Elzy will smile when she's drunk. Now you also like that!"I then denied,"I where got drunk? I just look at the people dancing only mah"She said,"Ah..ah..beh dek somemore! Then that time when you walk to the toilet with me, why you walk unsteadily ah?"I then smile at her(cos I was starting to get slightly tipsy from that can of beer)

After drinking from that can of Beer, I then bid Nor goodbye and walk to the bus stop. By the time I got into the bus, I am feeling tipsy. I then rest for awhile and when I reach home, I am still feeling tipsy even now.

I guess I have to end here for now and get some rest. Sorry for the long-winded blog. Will blog again soon some time.

Happy Birthday Nor!

Yesterday after work, I went to look for Nor at her shop and gave her a present for her birthday. It was her Birthday today but she wanted to celebrate it a day earlier. She said she like it alot and thank me. After that, her boyfriend came and help her to clean up the store. We then walk to the carpark to wait for two of her friends.

When her friends arrive, they greet us and greet me in Malay custom. Luckily I have learnt a bit of Malay custom greetings from my Malay neighbour who lives at the 2nd floor of my old house last time. So she could not tell the difference that I am actually a Chinese! Nor then introduce me to Sue and Sue was surprise that I am actually a Chinese! She said she thought I was a Malay as I look like Malay. Maybe because of my skin colour. Cos since young, I've been doing outdoor activities too often. Oh! By the way, why I am dark skin colour, it's because I used to swim alot in the swimming complex when I was very young and did not use any sun block lotion. That explains why I am more to darker skin tone. But after a near-death experience while I was swimming at Thailand when I was 10 years old, I dare not swim after that and have develop phobia of swimming pools. That is why whenever any of my friends invite me for swimming, I will decline immediately, partly because of my body size but the main reason is my near-death experience at the pool. I could not forget even after so many years. Luckily a guy save me from drowning. I do not remember his looks. He pull me out from the deep pool and let me breathe for air. If it wasn't for that stranger who save me, I might have been drowned 11 years ago.

I then took a cab with Nor to MOS and her bf and friends followed us by their motorbike. When we reach the place, Nor then meet up with another friend named Faiz, who's a transexual, and leave Sue and me alone. While we were alone, 2 Caucasian guys approach us to ask about MOS. Sue don't know anything so I explain to them how's the crowd like, the music it played and what to expect. They were thinking of going to Devil's Bar and ask if we know is there ladies' nite there and how's the crowd like? As I have been before, I explain to them and encourage them to go for Devil's Bar if they prefer crowds. They then left for Devil's Bar. After we meet up with Faiz, she then fish out a plastic bag from a place(I don't wish to mention where she took out from. It will make you puke)containing a bottle of pure Absolute Volka and 1/3 of sprite. Nor's bf then mix the drink and they drink it together. I keep rejecting the drink they offered until Nor said,"Why? Scared later you drunk and kena molest?"I then stare at Nor and in my mind, I thought,"DON'T...Ever remind me about that incident!!!"I dread that memory. I really dread it. How I wish I could wake up the next morning forgetting everything that had taken place that night. But reality is reality. What has happen, happened. I couldn't forget. Neither could I forgive! Occasionally, I really admire my god-brother. He can pretend that things never happened. But I know I could never be like him. Cos my type of person is not like that!

Nor's bf then drink the bottle and as they leave to re-enter MOS again, Nor ask me to finish the rest of the contents of the drink. Wah! half contents and you want me to drink?! She then assured me,"Aiya! I promise you, this time, you go out with me and get drunk, no matter how drunk you are, we will not let anything happen to you k? I promise you"I then look at her as she was leaving, and finish the whole half contents of the Volka. While we were inside, we went to R&B section and I felt my head "spinning". Wah! What kind of Volka is that?! I only know they mix one whole big bottle of Absolute Volka with 1/3 of sprite and I only drink half of it! I then sit down on the floor beside Faiz ask she ask,"Eh..you okay?"I shook my head and signal to her my head is spinning(Cos the music was way too loud). She then help me up and let me rest on a "chair". The R&B music didn't help. I felt my eyes were getting heavier but I force myself not to fall asleep or I have difficulty waking up. I then say to Nor,"Eh..sorry ah. Aku Tak Boleh Tahan sial"She then look at me and ask me to rest and don't move about.

I do not know how long I have rested, as my eyes look at the crowds dancing for quite some time. From the corner of my right eye, I saw Nor and Sue quarrelling. I then turn towards them and saw Nor shaking off Sue's hand and walk to the entrance of the gents angrily. Sue then rush behind her and I walk to them unsteadily. At the entrance of the male washroom, when the door is push open by a guy, Nor shouted angrily,"Eh! *** ** ** ** * **** **** ***!(Vulgar words)You ****** ******! If you have the guts you come out now! I'll fight you 1/1!"I was shock by her reaction as she has never been so angry before. Or maybe she was drunk? I ask Sue what happened? Sue said a Malay guy touch Nor and Nor is not happy and wanted to pick a fight with that guy. Nor waited for a minute before she went to the ladies'. We went in with her and she went into a cubicle and lock the door. Sue then knock on the door and said something in Malay and ask her to cool down. Nor replied her angrily and said,"That ******! He better watch out! Later don't let me see him!" I then strug my shoulders and Sue smiled.

After that when we go out of the ladies',Nor still waiting outside the gents and stare angily at the door. I then said,"Aiya! Forget it lah. Eh! Your Birthday today leh! Don't be so angry can or not? Relec ah.."She then look at me for awhile and mumbered something before she went off to dance with Sue. I then went back to my "seat" unsteadily and watch the crowds as they dance the night away. A Malay guy then came to sit beside me and point a girl in red t-shirt and denim shorts to me and ask for her name. I whisper to the guy,"That girl is not my friend!"He then ask am I alone? I then point to Nor, her bf, sue, Faiz and Faiz's friend(who is also a transexual but more prettier than Faiz)to him and said,"These are my friends". He then nod and ask me for Sue's number. I did not have Sue's number as I just got to know her. I said,"You go and talk to her lah and ask for her number". He said he's shy and ask me to help him to get her number. I then went to Sue and pretend to dance with her for awhile before I give her a gesture that the Malay guy wanted her number. She then glance the guy for awhile and said,"Not interested". The guy was not bad looking, quite decent. But then again, looks can be deceiving. I went to the guy and told him my friend is not interested. He then plead me to help him to get Sue's number and gave me his mobile number. I store it in my hp and show it to Sue. She then whisper to me,"Later then you give me".

After a while, Sue ask whether I wanted to go back?(I had just recover from drinking) I glance at her watch, it was 4am in the morning! I nod and we went out of MOS and sat along the pavement. Shortly after, the Malay guy joined us and sat a distance from Sue. He greet Sue and she return him with a smile. Sue then whisper to me,"Actually I have fiancee(Is that how you spell?)already. Just now you saw the guy I come with his bike right? That one my fiancee"I then look at her with my eyes wide and she add,"Aiya! Doesn't mean I have fiancee I can't get to know other guys right? But don't tell my fiancee lah"and wink at me. I was thinking,"Wah! Ah ni kuan?!"(mean "Wah! Like that ah?" in hokkien). By the way, just in case you're wondering, Sue is only 20-yrs-old this year and currently engage with her guy. She then take the guy's number from me and take my number too. She then said,"Eh! This Saturday ah? We go Tunnel"(I now know where Tunnel is..but not sure how to get there)I said I couldn't join them as I had activities on and only end at 9.30pm or 10pm. She said,"Never mind ah. You come to Tunnel later after that".I told her I'll see about it. Wah! I wanna go!

I know alot of you will be thinking how come I like to lead this kinda lifestyle? Actually it's also one of my "dreams". But most of it will not come true. Like I said earlier in my previous blogs. From young till now, these are my dreams but have not been fulfilled:

1)Visit ALL clubbing places in Singapore(So I can compare which club I like most)

2)Getting a car license and hope to race in Malaysia(Cos S'pore is ban for racing but after I read the books on Basic theory driving etc, I think I'll give up. Anyway I don't have the money to afford a car)

3)Being a Ge-Tai singer at least once(This is another dream that will never be fulfilled)

4)Able to travel to England to visit all the states in England. Another mission impossible is to mirgrate to England

5)Being an artist(But I'm lousy at drawing)

6)Hope to meet the guy of my dreams(But after so many ugly incidents that happened to me, I'm terrified of guys now)

7)Hoping to obtain motorbike license(But I cannot let my Mum know I'm riding a bike to work or she'll be worried..if I ever obtain that license lah)

8)Being an usher(This is my latest dream..but again, DON'T THINK! It can never be fulfilled! So forget it!)

These are my dreams from childhood..except number 8..actually I wanted to go for choir but something made me decide on usher. But I know I could never be one. Cos of my commitment of my work so I could not serve God's people in full. Anyway, I don't think I am called for that as I never complete my Bible study lessons yet. So forget it!

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again soon.

Poetry

As the pain dwells in my heart,

images of you lingers on my mind.

Confusions and questions keep on raging

with no answers to provide.

Suddenly, you leave without a word

Suddenly, you treat me like a stranger

Back to the time when it all started,

leaving me alone in my darkness world.

I'll leave you, my friend(You should know who you are).
I'll leave you, if that's the way you want me to be
I'll leave you alone with your own life
If that is what you want me to do

I'll leave the Light that you've brought to my life,

I'll leave the place you've brought me for salvation.

I'll leave the place that I was once familiar with,

for I was never ever felt belong.

Thank you for the day

you brought me back to the Kingdom of God

Thank you for the day

you brought me to receive salvation

Thank you for all the trouble

to help me to locate a make-up cell group(with YueMing)

Thank you for being there for me when I was happy

Thank you for being there for me when I am down

Thank you for sharing

so many wonderful things about God to me

Thank you for your friendship for all these time

Thank you for teaching me the importance of Friendship

I'm Sorry if I have hurt you in any way,

I'm Sorry if I have disappoint you

I'm Sorry for the tears I've made you shed,

I'm Sorry for the hurt that I've brought to you.

I'm Sorry that I forgot to tell you,

Slience is the only "poison" that could kill me deep inside my heart

I'll never forget you my friend,

I'll never forget the friendship you've shared.

I'll never forget the cell group,

I'll never forget the fellowship,

That we've shared all these time

Please forgive me for my wrongdoings

Please forgive me for my forgetfulness

Please forgive me for my attitude

Please forgive me for my stupidity

Please forgive me, if I'm the one who cause you pain.

Goodbye my friend,I'm really heart-broken now

Goodbye my friend,I guess this is the end

Goodbye my friend,I'm leaving now

Away from the Light you've brought me,

Into my own darkness world

Delicated to: VCMX

Poems written by: Jui3t

WHY ACCUSE ME?!

Yesterday night after work, I went to change into a black dress and cover my shoulders with a baby pink translucent scarf. I then went to look for Nor and put my bag in her store and ask her to take care of it for me for awhile. When she saw me, she open her mouth slightly wide. I then ask,"Why? Never see me wear like that before?"She then ask am I going for wedding dinner or something or else why I wear so beautifully? I then gave her a -_-" look and went to buy a packet of milk for her to let her try my supplements.

After that I went to meet my friend. When he saw me with the outfit, his eyes become wide and his reaction was exactly the same as Nor. He then said he never seen me wear so beautifully before and ask me to hold his hand but I reject fiecely. We then went to "The 1 Night Stand" and surprisingly, we could enter the pub without any problems(For those who are non-Singaporeans, there is a pub named "1 Night Stand" in Singapore. So don't be misunderstood). I just wanted to enter the pub to feel the amosphere. But to my disappointment, the pub was very small and crowded. I only stayed there for about 3 minutes and we then went to "Hooters" to have our meal. The waitresses there are quite pretty and sexy. Cos their uniforms are body-hugging type and revealed their figures. My friend then ordered 3 Heilikens(don't know how to spell) and wanted me to drink a bottle. I then told him that I couldn't drink as I had promise "someone" that I will try not to drink. After much persuading, he then gave up and drink all three bottles.

After that we then went to watch a movie until 4am in the morning before I took a cab home. When I reach home, it's already 7.30am and I took a quick nap before meeting Yue Ming at Chua Chu Kang MRT for cell group meeting at 10am. I was late and reach there about 10.45am. The cell group was actually postponed to 11am in the morning by the time we reach the place. After the cell group, I then accompany Jeffrey to Lot 1 shopping centre to buy his exchange present and went to have lunch with him at Siah Imm Food Court. He shared with me alot of things on his life. Wow! He sure knows how to talk alot! But I like people like that..can go on and on talking cos I'm more to the quiet side and prefer people to talk to me so that I could listen to them.

We then went to board the MRT to Expo and on the way there, again he talk to me about many things. I was very surprise to learnt some things about him! While we were at outrum park MRT station, a uncle then rudely squeeze his way behind Jeffrey and Jeffrey almost fell on top of me but luckily we could balance well. I then stared at the uncle and scold alot of vagularties inside my mind. Jeffrey then said,"Eh, forget it lah. Don't be so angry". I then look at Jeffrey and told him,"Humph! If it was the "Me" 8 years ago, I would have grab his shirt and punch his ****** face!" Jeffrey was taken aback by my reaction. I then said,"Humph! Nevermind...forgive and forget! Humph!"He then laugh a little and continue chatting with me thoughout the journey. When we reach Expo, I then ask Jeffrey to go ahead first as I had to top-up my Ezlink card. I then went to search for him and join him for service.

At church, some of the members were asking me why Vincent didn't attend service today? It is the question that I too, wish to know. Cos he seems to be acting strangely these days and I was quite concern for him. One of the members said something that I felt quite offended as I felt that she say it quite sarcasticly. I just keep quiet but in my heart I was very angry by her remark. I went to punch the toilet cubical door to vent my anger out. Luckily no one was at the ladies' then. One thing for sure, I HATE BEING DOUBT! No matter whether the person mean it or not as it is just a remark. Feel like struggling the sister! Don't ask me who is it as I will not tell. I JUST HATE BEING MISUNDERSTOOD AND I ESPECIALLY HATE BEING DOUBT!

After that, we then went for fellowship and I went for my Bible Study and learnt something new about the Holy Spirit. After that I stay with the members for awhile and Brother Tony then share with us some Bible verses. Hui Yi then comment that it is the first time that I had stayed with them until so long. I ask,"Is it"? She then said that whenever I go for fellowship, I will always rush off quickly without staying another minute longer with them. But she was surprise that I stayed with them till the end of the day. I apologise to her and said I had to meet my friends at around 9.30pm usually so I couldn't stay too long with the members. She then encourage me to talk to the other members more. Hmm..one thing all of the members didn't notice is that, I am quite an anti-social person from young. It's not that I am being arrogant or what but I just feel very afraid to talk to others. It takes me a very long time before I can warm up to people.

In the train, my mind was thinking alot of things and I was feeling quite upset that all of the sudden, Vincent seems to be avoiding me. WHAT EXACTLY HAVE I DONE WRONG?! He could at least tell me and let me know! Now I do not know what is going on. God! Can you please show me some signs to tell me what exactly did I done that all these things are happening?!

I think I'll end here for now. Will write again some other time.

Prayer To God

Yesterday night, I couldn't really sleep. I then went to my room and pray to God and pray for the Holy Spirit to guide me as I felt that my life was in a mess and everyone has been ignoring me for the past few days. There was a time when I was about to go for work, I felt a very strong presence of the Holy Spirit. I felt that He was trying to tell me something but I do not know what is His message. I then ignore it and never seek for Him for His message.

After that, my days has been going quite badly. It seems that almost everyone, is giving me the cold shoulders lately. I do not really know what is going on and I do not know what have I done wrong?

When I prayed yesterday night, it was the very first time that I cried in my mist of praying. Yeh! Finally I could cry! But still I do not know how to address my problems to God. I felt the Holy Spirit presence but somehow, He did not come near me. I felt that He kept a distance from me and I do not know why. The first time I ask him to lead me in my prayer, his presence is still far away from me. It was only the second time I tried asking Him to guide me in my prayer to God, then I felt his presence beside me but somehow I could sense that He was not happy. What exactly did I done wrong?

After the prayer, I then felt a sense of comfort over me. I then remembered my god-brother once told me,"The Holy Spirit is our comforter!"I then told the Holy Spirit to show me some obvious signs to tell me what have I done wrong that He was so upset with me and show me what have I done that everyone is giving me the cold shoulder? I felt very sad.

After work today, I went to look for Nor and pretend to be happy infront of her. But somehow she sense it and ask,"Eh why you so quiet today ah? You don't seems to be happy leh". I told told her,"No lah, nothing lah" and gave her a fake smile. She then look at me with doubt and ask,"Sure ah?"I then nod my head and she carry on doing her work.

After that I help her for awhile before I finally went home.

Feeling very lonely

Today when I woke up, I went to Jurong East to sell a few of the CDs away as I no longer listen to it anymore. I then went to CD-RAMA to buy some CDs that again cost over $60 but this time, for 3 CDs. After that I then went to work as usual and Ya Cin had came back from her holiday. She even bought some biscuits from Malaysia for me. Erm..I take it as she has forgiven me le. Haha! Thank God..finally I've been forgiven.

After work, she finally bid me goodbye when she was going off. Haiz..it has been quite a long time she never bid me goodbye. I then went to look for Nor but she was not there. I guess she went for smoke again but without leaving the sign on. Cos normally when she left her workplace she will left a sign indicating she will be back in 5 minute or what but this time I didn't saw the sign and I didn't see her in the shop. Her shop front "door" is lock too. I then walk pass Elzy's shop and she ask where am I going? I replied that I am on the way home. She actually wanted me to wait for her to go home together but as we are staying in different area and her bus route doesn't reach my place, she then reluctantly let me go back home by myself.

On the way home, I suddenly feel quite lonely. It's a feeling that I have never felt for a long time. I felt that same kind of feeling when I was in my primary school daze right to my ITE daze as I was quite lonely and no one dares to talk to me. I then stare out of the window and thinking of something that has been troubling me for days. The feeling is still with me even when I reach home. I saw a friend of mine from Australia online and chat with him for awhile before he sign off. After that, I rip some music from the CDs that I have bought, into the computer. My brother taught me how to rip the music...quite complicated but I guess I will learn how to rip it myself one day.

Next week will be Nor's birthday. Initally she wants to celebrate it at either "Tunnel" which I do not know where is it, or Music Underground(Which is otherwise in short-form called "MU") She told me that there will be no birthday cake and the drinks will on her that day. But these few days, she told me that she may not be celebrating as she has no mood. I can see why. Cos her Boss hired a new girl and she hates that new girl very much. Although the girl is more educated than her, but the work she done is all quite lousy and that made Nor angry. Nor is also jealous of that new girl cos...the new girl is prettier than her. Nor has never seen her before but I describe how the new girl looks like to Nor yesterday as I have seen the new girl when I pass by her workplace once. She was quite jealous and said,"Humph! Don't know who ah..that time say won't hire anymore malay girls! Now leh?! The new girl is also Malay!"She also complaint that her Boss has pack her things one side and left a space for the new girl. She get what the boss means but she keep quiet and see how things goes. I wish her the best of luck.

There has been temptations for me to go back onto smoking these few days. I have been very down and don't dare to turn to anyone. I do not know how to speak my problems out. It's really very difficult and I don't know how to say it. Even if I do, I don't think anyone will ever understands. So I just bottled it inside my heart and somehow I couldn't cry when I wanted to. Why is it like that? Those who are really quite close to me or known me for quite a long time will know that I used to smoke before. But now I try not to smoke infront of those non-smokers. Don't worry guys, it's only a temptation. I was just thinking of smoking but so far I didn't go back smoking for now.

I think I will end here for now. I do not know what else to write. Night folks and take good care!

Haha! Gain only a kilogram

This morning, I went to meet up with my consultant. When I weigh at the measure scale, I only gain 1kg from all that overeating from Chinese New Year. Hahaha! But she gained 2kg. But my BFL(Body Fat Level)increase in 40%. Haiz..just as what I have expected. I then bought the products for over $300+ cos I have added some extra items(Thank God that Jia Xing stop me from buying that mp3 player). After that I then went home to put the items and went for work.

Work was very boring today and there are not much customers. I only get to stock up some handphone accessories and then Wendy ask me to stock up the hairbands. After work, I then went to look for Nor. It was quite late when I look for her but luckily she is still there. After that Elzy and a woman,whom I recognize as one of my customer, came and talk to Nor. Elzy gave Nor 2 cans of Tiger Beer and Nor offer me 1. I then look at Nor and ask her if she mind sharing with me half of the contents of the beer? Cos I dare not drink too much after what has happened on Wednesday night. I will never ever forget and I have a bit of phobia of alcoholic drinks after that incident.

We then chat for awhile and Elzy left early to catch the train while I stayed with Nor and help her to clean up her store. She comment that I know how to sweep. I then told her that I sweep anyhow. I then found some money while sweeping and hand it to Nor and she kept the money.

After we had finish everything, I accompany Nor for a smoke. Hey! But I didn't smoke okay? Serious! I only accompany her while she smokes. Cos if I were to smoke, "somebody"will grieve. But still I could not get rid of my drinking habit as I am sort-of addicted. I started drinking when I was very young and could not stop since then. I admit that I am still drinking now even after that ugly incident. But not as much as before. I have cut down on the level of drinking. Hopefully, one day, I could really succeed in quitting drinking forever like what I did for smoking.

I then went to catch the bus home. During the journey, I thought alot of things. Some times I wonder why I couldn't cry when I wanted to nowadays? Maybe there's not much tears for me to shed?

I guess I have to end here for now. Nothing much happening so nothing much for me to blog. Take good care folks!

Haha..worshipping

This morning, when I woke up, I played some classical songs and went back to sleep. I really hate to wake up. I don't wish to wake up. Cos I dreamt of someone and in the dream, she has grown up alittle and knows how to talk back! Haiz..just like her father! I saw myself being very strict to her and she cried and ran away from me. I guess she must have hate me alot. But anyway, it's just a dream. I can never ever see her again anyway. Don't ask me why.

When I finally really wake up, I get myself ready and head to my 2nd cousin's place. When we reach there, she greet us and I saw that she has a cute little daughter. We then ate for awhile and I bid my cousins, aunties, uncles and my family goodbye before heading to church. My eldest cousin of my 3rd uncle then ask,"Going to church?"I said,"Ya. You wanna join me"? He then shakes his head. He used to be from the church I am attending now but now he permenantly backslide as he find that the teaching is not suitable for him. I then left the place with my younger brother and he went to meet his friends while I board the MRT to church.

After I reach there, I went to worship and "Delirious"was performing the songs. At first I worship with all my heart. But when I close my eyes, images of something happened on Wednesday night keep surfacing to me. It was then I finally cried. I then cried with all my heart out and during a moment, I saw the Holy Spirit(He was a mist), Jesus and Father stood on a cloud and they shake their heads at me all at the same time and Father said,"I'm very disappointed with you. Why didn't you use the help that I've provide for you in your time of need?"I never answered them and just keep crying. I do not know what to say.

After that we then went for fellowship. I don't have the appitite to eat so I sat there alone. After that I followed Yue Min and Melissa to Attributes and I bought a CD. They did not get to purchase their items and I felt guilty for not waiting for them to purchase together. After that we went back to join the rest and I sat alone. I don't have the mood to fellowship with the others and I am still dwelling on my problem. I wondered was it my fault after all? Was it because of my dressing? My god-brother then came and interrupt my thoughts and ask me to join the rest. I told him I don't want and then went into my thoughts again. He then encourage me to share with Brother Tony as he handled all kinds of problems before. I did share with one of my god-brother, Samuel, the guy that I have bought to church last year on Christmas Day. His reaction was very big. So I dare not share with Brother Tony as I am not prepared for the reaction he will be given to me and what he will say to me.

After that we then left and I went to meet Jia Xing and Esther. We then went to walk around the Pasa malam near City Hall and they then took a bus home. Initally I do not wish to go home as my mood was very low but my god-brother insist me on going home. I had no choice but to be at home...still dwelling on the problem. Seriously, I could only had myself to be blamed. Maybe it's my dressing? Maybe I had too much drink? Maybe that I've been too trustful? Maybe I did not have the ability to provide enough information when help is at my own hands? I am now too confuse and scared. In church today, I suddenly hate all the Brothers in church. I know it's not their fault. But somehow I am very scared of guys now. Those who are smart enough, you can figure it out what happen to me. Please..don't ask me about it. I don't wish to talk. I will forgive him since he is my ex. But I will not forget about the incident and it may scarred me for life this time.

Pastor Kong also said today that he don't wish to see any members to backslide because of some problems. I really don't know what to do now. I don't wish to make matters worst. I just leave things as it is. I could only look at Brother Tony and could not tell him my problems. I don't wish to speak to him about it too. As I am really not prepared of what is he going to say to me.

I guess I shall end here. Again, please read and just forget it okay? Don't bother to ask me any questions as I will not answer.