Yesterday, I went for my Bible study conduct by HuiYi. She said she was nervous but I felt that she is a wonderful "peacher". She can share God's word very well. Li Yi joins us for Bible study cos Yue Ming is not there to conduct the Bible study for her.
We then went for service after that and Brother Tony came to me and ask me about Vincent. The moment I heard his name, I don't know why but a feeling of depress came over me. I then told Brother Tony Vincent's recent "progress" and he ask me to pray for him. I nearly wanted to broke down and cry right there and then. But I force myself to hold back my tears. I think Brother Tony had seen tears forming from my eyes when mention about him so he dare not talk to me any further and walks away. There are some things I do not know how to express in words or actions. So..forgive me for that. I am a person who don't know how to express well.
After service, Hui Yi then pull me aside to have a heart-to-heart talk with me. I had never seen her so serious before. She is quite worried about what I write in my blog and probe me about it. I then told her everything about me from what I was like from childhood to why am I behaving this way towards all the brothers in church. When she learnt about my life, she was shock but encourage me to tell Brother Tony about it and to seek counselling as she feels that because of so many bad experiences I had in life, it has become a negative impact on me. I told her,"Don't worry. I won't get married or have another relationship ever again. Cos I feel that I am no longer loved or cherish by anyone". Other reasons are I could no longer trust guys anymore, I feel that I am not being accepted. She then told me not to look back at my past but to look at my future. What future do I have for a girl like me?(Hui Yi should know what I mean by this).
Hui Yi then left quite early as she has to meet her friend and I went to Brother Tony and ask him to arrange a counselling session for me. He then have a heart-to-heart talk with me again and ask me about my family. He was surprise to learnt that I have never actually really talk to my father for 10 years. I mean a heart-to-heart talk or even a decent conversation. To me, my father is almost a non-existant person. When I was young, he was hardly home most of the time as he have to work from morning to night. By the time he came home, we will either by sleeping or gone to school. Anyway, the main reason I do not want to talk to my father, is because I couldn't forget an incident that he did to my Mum and me. I have forgiven him for what he has done but the incident that I witness him did to my Mum was unforgetable. I will never ever forget what I saw! My Mum said that I was dreaming but I know I am not! My father's used-to-be-violence is also one of the reasons why I do not want to get married. Since that incident, although I have relationships, but I have never ever thought of marriage. The idea of it just scares me.
I then went out with my friends but I am not very happy through out the whole meeting. I keep thinking what Hui Yi and Brother Tony had said to me and I am very hurt by someone. I guess he will never ever get to understand my feeling. I do not know how to communicate with him anymore. I don't know why. It really hurts me deeply but I guess to him, it doesn't matter. Cos he will never ever understand how I feel and I don't think he cares.
Haiz..tomorrow is Monday and I really dread going to work on that day. Cos I don't want to see somebody's black face the whole day! I will talk to Peter about it and see what he says. I guess I shall end here for now. I do not know what to type. I felt very painful deep inside my heart but what can I do? I am feeling very useless! So much things happen and yet I could not solve them. Haha..what a useless fool!(I mean me okay?)
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