This morning, when I woke up, I played some classical songs and went back to sleep. I really hate to wake up. I don't wish to wake up. Cos I dreamt of someone and in the dream, she has grown up alittle and knows how to talk back! Haiz..just like her father! I saw myself being very strict to her and she cried and ran away from me. I guess she must have hate me alot. But anyway, it's just a dream. I can never ever see her again anyway. Don't ask me why.
When I finally really wake up, I get myself ready and head to my 2nd cousin's place. When we reach there, she greet us and I saw that she has a cute little daughter. We then ate for awhile and I bid my cousins, aunties, uncles and my family goodbye before heading to church. My eldest cousin of my 3rd uncle then ask,"Going to church?"I said,"Ya. You wanna join me"? He then shakes his head. He used to be from the church I am attending now but now he permenantly backslide as he find that the teaching is not suitable for him. I then left the place with my younger brother and he went to meet his friends while I board the MRT to church.
After I reach there, I went to worship and "Delirious"was performing the songs. At first I worship with all my heart. But when I close my eyes, images of something happened on Wednesday night keep surfacing to me. It was then I finally cried. I then cried with all my heart out and during a moment, I saw the Holy Spirit(He was a mist), Jesus and Father stood on a cloud and they shake their heads at me all at the same time and Father said,"I'm very disappointed with you. Why didn't you use the help that I've provide for you in your time of need?"I never answered them and just keep crying. I do not know what to say.
After that we then went for fellowship. I don't have the appitite to eat so I sat there alone. After that I followed Yue Min and Melissa to Attributes and I bought a CD. They did not get to purchase their items and I felt guilty for not waiting for them to purchase together. After that we went back to join the rest and I sat alone. I don't have the mood to fellowship with the others and I am still dwelling on my problem. I wondered was it my fault after all? Was it because of my dressing? My god-brother then came and interrupt my thoughts and ask me to join the rest. I told him I don't want and then went into my thoughts again. He then encourage me to share with Brother Tony as he handled all kinds of problems before. I did share with one of my god-brother, Samuel, the guy that I have bought to church last year on Christmas Day. His reaction was very big. So I dare not share with Brother Tony as I am not prepared for the reaction he will be given to me and what he will say to me.
After that we then left and I went to meet Jia Xing and Esther. We then went to walk around the Pasa malam near City Hall and they then took a bus home. Initally I do not wish to go home as my mood was very low but my god-brother insist me on going home. I had no choice but to be at home...still dwelling on the problem. Seriously, I could only had myself to be blamed. Maybe it's my dressing? Maybe I had too much drink? Maybe that I've been too trustful? Maybe I did not have the ability to provide enough information when help is at my own hands? I am now too confuse and scared. In church today, I suddenly hate all the Brothers in church. I know it's not their fault. But somehow I am very scared of guys now. Those who are smart enough, you can figure it out what happen to me. Please..don't ask me about it. I don't wish to talk. I will forgive him since he is my ex. But I will not forget about the incident and it may scarred me for life this time.
Pastor Kong also said today that he don't wish to see any members to backslide because of some problems. I really don't know what to do now. I don't wish to make matters worst. I just leave things as it is. I could only look at Brother Tony and could not tell him my problems. I don't wish to speak to him about it too. As I am really not prepared of what is he going to say to me.
I guess I shall end here. Again, please read and just forget it okay? Don't bother to ask me any questions as I will not answer.
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