Cell group thingy

On Friday, I met YueMing at AMK for Bible Study and after that we went for cell group. There are alot of things that Brother Tony preach that day, most of it I felt that he is talking about me(or that I am too sensitive?). After the whole thing, the rest went for fellowship and eating at a table. While Brother Tony talk to me about what I SMSed him last week. The things that he told me left me quite confuse. I had discuss it with YueMing earlier and she gave me a brief history of W117 before I joined in. I used to be from W99 but that cell group is no longer there after I had left some years ago. I miss alot of sisters from that cell group.

After that I went to meet JiaXin and Esther. I had told them beforehand that I wanted to go back home at 3am as I have to work tomorrow morning at 9.30am. But my request has fallen to deaf ears! There are times I felt that Jia Xin is being inconsiderate for others. Last time when Esther has to work on morning shift, the same thing happens. She only let Esther go after dawn or sometimes until 4 or 5am in the morning and Esther only get a few hours of sleep(I wonder if that is enough rest for her?) But because Esther is those soft-hearted kinda person, she always said,"Ai ya, never mind lah. 1 week once only". Esther, I know that you care about us friends alot. But sometimes, you got to think for yourself especially if you are working morning shift the next day and you had to accompany us! While walking on the way, JiaXin said something that made me very angry with her! I felt like punching her face!!! But because Esther is there so I felt that it is not so nice to create a scene infront of her. So I just keep quiet but I comment something sarcastically to her.

I then reach home at 7.30am and sleep for 30 minutes before I went to work. Luckily Dr.W only give me the easy jobs to do so I don't need much concentration. I then went for service and sleep while Pastor was talking half-way. Sorry guys but I am really very tired and not enough sleep. I guess I am getting old. No more energy level. I know I am being quite rude. But I didn't mean it. After that I request YueMing to give me BS. And after that, she complaint to me that I sleep half-way through BS. I can tell that she is not very happy with it. :'( but she advise me to prioritise my time and the importance accordingly. I understand what she meant. Si Jia Xing! Next time if you wanna leave home or whatever, DON'T CALL ME! And don't drag your poor friends to suffer with you!!! I TOLD YOU THAT I HAD TO WORK AT 9.00AM IN THE MORNING AND HAD TO ATTEND SERVICE THE VERY NEXT DAY!!! WHICH PART OF THIS SENTENCE YOU DUN UNDERSTAND?! *******!!! I CANNOT GET TO STAY UP SO LATE AT NIGHT TO BE WITH YOU ALL LIKE LAST TIME!!!!!! I NO LONGER WORK IN THE AFTERNOON SHIFT!!!!! WHEN ESTHER WORK IN THE MORNING SHIFT, YOU DIE-DIE ALSO DUN WANNA LET HER GO HOME AND REST?! WHAT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU?! ESTHER DON'T MIND BUT I MIND!!!! YOU LIKE YOUR OWN WAY OF TIMING, IT'S YOUR BUSINESS!!! MY TIMING HAS CHANGED!!!! SINCE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THEN YOU JOLLY WELL DON'T CALL ME OUT NEXT TIME!!!!!

After that I went to fellowship with MingYing only. As some had the attend BS and as for the rest, I don't know where they gone to. After that on the way home, MingYing told me something that surprise me. She also share with me things that made me very heart-broken. But I was thinking,"So that was it?! KNS!" Felt so stupid of being used!!! I don't wish to mention who was it but that person made me very upset. Why am I so stupid?! After that I bid MingYing goodbye and went home to catch a very long sleep.

Praying for people on the spot?! *graps*

Today I only work half-day as the clinic only open for half-a-day. Dr.W then ask me to assist her in the Dental room. Haha..I am a lousy assistant. Cos I can tell that she was not very happy with my perfomance. But....I am very scared of other people's blood!!! Sorry lor Dr.W...I didn't mean it. I really didn't mean it. But...I am really scared at the blood of others(I don't know why). I almost faint at the operations room after the patient has left and when the tooth is finally extracted out. Cos...a lot of blood! and worst, I am the one who do the cleaning up! KNS! The doctor have a lot of difficulty extracting the tooth out as the roots are quite thick and it is rooted very deeply into the gums.

Regina was 1 hour late for work and when she came, the way she greeted me was very cool!(At least that is how I feel). Her dressing was also very cool today! Biker's style of dressing! Wah! I then sat at the chair at the reception area and when Dr.W ask someone to assist her again, I ask Regina to go as I am still very scared of what happen just now. Regina ask me,"Hey, are you okay? You know ah..what you see now, it's only a minor blood you know? Although yes, there's alot of blood. But wait till you assist Dr.C in the operations room ah, I tell you, you are really gonna faint"I ask her why? She said,"Cos he's dealing with those pregnancy thingy, labour etc..so when the baby is on it's way out or when the water bag burst, there's alot more blood in the operations room. If you cannot take it with Dr.W, then I can confirm that you will definately faint in Dr.C's operation's room". I then look at her with my eyes wide and she smiled at me before going in to Dr.W's room.

When Regina came out, she chat with me for a little while and when I heard about her family, I said,"Tonight I will pray for you". She then said to me excitedly,"Pray for me now lah"! I said,"Huh?! Now?!"She said,"Yes! Now" But when I tried to pray for her, Dr.W called her in to assist her..Urgh! KNS! But I think God knows that I am quite tense in praying for others so..he don't let me pray first..phew! Heng ah!

After that I then do the closing quite fast cos Dr.W is hurrying me. I know that I didn't do it properly. Haiz..tomorrow opening is still me mah. Nevermind. I will clean the rest of it tomorrow.

Father, can you next time please prepare me mentally if you want me to pray for someone? Haiyo..I don't know how to pray for others..so..forgive me. I think I have to end here for now. Very boring!!! Haiz..but no money to go out..sianz..

My work

I went to work quite late nowadays as I was scheduled in the afternoon shift. Before that, In the morning, I went to see my counsellor. She talk to me alot of things that made me keep on thinking for the rest of the day. When I reach the clinic, it was not open yet and when I went to the back door, I saw Dr.W leaving but I did not call her. I let her walk off as it is still not time for me to start work yet. I then saw a familiar figure holding a guy's hand walking past Dr.W and towards me. When the girl was about 3 - 5 metres away from me, I then could see clearly who she was(Is my eyesight getting poorer?) She greet me from afar and ask if I had the key to get in. I replied no and she open the door for me. Her boyfriend(I assume..since he was holding her hand), then ask which zone am I from? I thought for awhile before answering,"Pastor Iris"(Is it spelt like that?)He then gave me a surprise look and said,"Oh! Pastor Iris!"and smile at me.

After that I then went to put my bag and sign in. My colleague then play games with her boyfriend and make alot of noise. As the clinic was still not time to be open, I just leave them alone and went about to check the appointments for the day. After that when the clinic opened, Dr.W ask me to go in and assist her. Haha! The work was extreamely easy! But just that I need to be more observant in which instruments she use it on the patient and I must sterilize the instruments after the patient has left and after everything is ready, I can invite the next patient in. I must lead them to Dr.W somemore!(Feels like usher-cum-assistant)Hahaha!

After everything has done, I then sterilize the instruments and Dr.W teach me what to do on closing. Alot of things I have to learn but I believe that I could manage it as time goes by. We then sign off and went home. Quite a tiring but enjoyable day for me!

Anger subside

On Saturday, I went to service a little late as I am working in the clinic. The doctor then told me my schedule for the next two weeks. Wah! The first week of the schedule that she gave me, I only work for few hours! But for the second week it will be more "siong" as I have to work from morning to night.

I am still very scared of the computer system as I don't really know how to use it. Maybe I can master it as time goes by. I only have 3 months to learn everything. After work, I rush back home to change my clothes before going for service.

After service, I then went to fellowship with Nicholas, Melissa(by the way, a male singer look like Melissa!), YueMing, Jonathan and Anita. MingYing and some of them came to join us later. Wah! Anita sure knows how to eat! When we went to the food centre at Bedok to eat, we ordered our food and Anita ordered a big watermelon with alot of fruits in it. YueMing and Anita "fight" for the white color agar-agar. After that we ordered some chicken wings. I was very full by then but Anita said,"Still not enough leh..oei..go and order some more want or not?"I then stare at her with big eyes and said,"Huh?! I give up..you want to order you order yourself..count me out!" After that I went to meet HuiYi as I SMS her something that made her want to see me urgently.

I then suggest to meet at TBP as I am meeting my friends there(It is also quite near her home). She was late so I went to meet my friends at McDonald's first. After that my god-brother came and I was not very happy to see him initially. I keep staring at him while he chat with my friends as if like nothing had happened. Sometimes I really dislike him cos he likes to play pretentious(That is how I feel). Shortly after, I receive a call from my hp and I rush out quickly without informing my friends. I then meet HuiYi at the control station and we sat down somewhere to talk. She always seems to know the right words to say to me and encourage me not to backslide. I can see that she worry for me alot. She then said something about Easter service and the message I am sending to God if I ever backslide. When I heard that, I was very upset and confuse. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I told her that I am very lost and don't know what to do after she said that. I can't backslide, neither I can stay in church. She ask me to give the cell group one more try and ask me to raise my problems to Brother Tony. Haha! If he really understands my situation, he won't say such a thing to me! Felt very stress and pressured! One more time he say that to me again, sorry HuiYi...but I can't take it! I will try and speak to him when I manage to get his attention and see what he says.

I then went back to my friends and stare at my god-brother. Esther then suggest to play "Bingo" game and I finally manage to win once! Hahaha! BINGO! But still I lost in the game as the rounds goes by. KNS! At certain rounds, I almost win! Just by one number! Haiz..but we had fun anyway. We then went to Tiong Bahru park to play for awhile. It was getting quite hot(or maybe because I was wearing white long sleeve shirt) I then took off my sleeve shirt and get some teasing whistles from my friends. Really very hot leh! Haiz...regret wearing that shirt. After that they then play their games while I sit on a swing and thinking alot of things.

After that we then went to 7-11 and buy some Volka to drink. Esther said she toast for me leaving the old job and manage to find a new job. She wish me luck for my new job. After that I went to buy another bottle and drink it half-way and I was feeling very sleepy(By the way, Alcohol drinks can make me sleepy at times). I then told them I went to the ladies and my god-brother lead the way. After that, we then sat down at BK to talk. I said to him impatiently(cos I was still angry with him),"What is it?! Say!" He then explain to me that he don't know that what he said has hurt me alot and apologise to me. He said that he don't have the heart to fulfil what he has said. I told him that I will forgive him about the matter but I will never forget what he has said that hurt me alot until now. We then talk it out on our problems but I don't know if he really understands what I have said.

After that we the rejoin our friends and chat for awhile before we went home...

Very sian..

Yesterday work was very boring as the clinic was quiet. Regina then check through the duties for the day and it was empty. Sian..I then sat down there and jolt down some notes from the big stack of files that Dr.W gave me. After that she ask me to pick up the call. Huh?! Liew! I don't know what to say?! She then quickly open the file to a section and said,"Nah! Follow what it is stated and say it to the patient!" I fumble over my words cos I don't really know how to say. After that she said,"Nice try. You'll be more familiar as time goes by". After that Dr.W came out and talk to me and describe some of the patients I will encounter if I were to work full time. She teach me what to do on different situations and that I must be firm but yet polite.

After that I then went to my other workplace. Nor then meet me at night for the last time. She said it will be our farewell gathering. This time she gave me the choice of which club I wanna go to. We then decide to go to Zouk. After that, she keep on arguing with me about who will get the champions league in the end. She keep on saying,"Chelsea will win!" while I keep on saying."Man U will win!" She then ask Riz and Jo, whom are her friends which team they support? They look at each other before saying,"Sorry Nor, we support Man U!"and Nor stare at them. Jo then said,"Chelsea bodo!" and I laugh. Nor then replied back,"Man U bodo!" We then echo in unison to Nor,"Chelsea bodo!"and Nor was quite unhappy and said something in Malay that I don't understand. But somehow I had a feeling Chelsea will win as they are always the champions and their soccer skills are strong. When we reach there, Nor's IC was with her boyfriend so she couldn't enter the club. We then sat down at a coffee shop and she quarreled with me over an incident which has long passed. She said that I've change alot into someone which is different from what I am used to be. I really don't understand her. In what ways did I change? She then said that I hurt her too deeply and she told me that I am her first and last Chinese friend she ever had but yet I hurt her so deeply that she felt so sad(I saw her eyes become red and a bit of tears form on her eyes). She then told me something,"In case you do not know, when you were been criticize by the people in Harbourfront, I was the one who stood up for you! When they do not accept the way you are, who was the one who talks to you first?! When you need help, do you remember who to you run to for help?! Yet when I just wanted to borrow something from you, you did this to me! Do you know how hurt I am?"

After quarreling for quite some time, we then entered the club after her bf came and pass the IC to her. When I step into the club, my immediate reaction was,"Yes! This is the kind of club I want!"I like the crowds and amosphere there. For those who enjoyed going to MOS, I think you will also like Zouk. The crowds there are not so bad but some of them are a little "messy"(if you get what I mean). There are alot of hunks and babes there!(Hahahaha!)Nor keep wanting to go to R&B section(Again!)but she followed me to the Pop songs section for awhile before I followed her to the R&B section. Again I didn't get the chance to explore the whole club. One thing I hate about going clubbing with her is that she tend to stick to one section of the club while I am the type of person who likes to walk around to different sections of the club to explore. On the way to R&B section, we saw alot of strange/funny events. Like couples *Ahem!* at a corner, people who are drunk slept on the tables, Fighting incidents(which strangely no one resolves it..no bouncer to stop the incident?!), Quarreling incidents etc(You named it, it happened). Nor don't understand why when I go clubbing I like to walk around the club and cannot stay at one place while I don't understand how come she only go to the R&B section only?!

The club closes at 3.30am and Nor gave me some money for the taxi fare. She then bid me goodbye and I went home to sleep for a few hours before going to work. If possible, I will go there again to explore the whole club cos I don't like to explore clubs half-way!

Messy

Yesterday morning was my first day in my new workplace. I came quite early as the Doctor told me to be there 15 minutes before 10am. When I reach there, no one was there to open the door. A girl then came at 10.05am to open to front and back door. After that she made me stood for about 10 minutes before Dr.W gave me a big stack of files for me to read through. Wah! So many things to memorize! Can die man! I think my brain function is dead le. Haiz...must remind Dr.C about things somemore! No different from a secretary -_-"

The girl then showed me where the patient's appointment cards are kept and I must locate it by number and she showed me how to register and search for the patient's Data and where to put the card after the patient has left. She also show me how to key in the documents that the doctor state. Strangely enough, she never showed me where the medicines are kept -_-". Dr.W then ask her to let me sit by the computer and let me explore the computer?! Wah! I dare not really explore it as I scared that I might press anything that accidently delete the patient's data. No no no..I wait for them to teach me how to use.

My first day end with a breeze. But at the end of the day, I realize that I forgot to take the small piece of paper that Dr.C has wrote for me about the procedures for NETS and Credit Card transections(Cos there is different procedures for different cards). Oh no! Haiz..I just hope that when I go back in the morning, the small piece of paper is still there *pray hard*

I then knock off at 12pm and went to work at Harbour front. Wah! Time really flies fast for today. On the way, I keep worrying on alot of things. Mostly money problems and I miss someone really badly. Don't know when can I get to see her again?(Those who know who she is, keep it to yourself). Around the afternoon when I went to check my handphone, I got alot of miss calls from alot of Agencies. KNS! When I waited for an answer from you all(I waited for close to a month!), I didn't get a single reply from any of the Angencies! Now that I finally so-called "got" a "job", all of you gave me replies all at the same time! What is this man?! Really KNS!

Ya Cin then ask where I am working and when I told her, she said,"Huh?! You sure you can do it or not? Here you already blur like sotong! How can you handle there?" I didn't answer her but in my mind, I answered her,"By God's Grace and by the strength and wisdom that God gave me and hopefully He could guide me through it all". Cos I know in my heart that any job that I have got, it is not by myself and not by my own source. They are all sent by Him. Of course, I must really thank all the people who help me to look for jobs. Especially YueMing and Brother Tony. Thank you! and Thanks a trillion for all the troubles that you've made to help me. I really appreciate it :)

Ya Cin then ask me to reason why am I leaving? After I told her what I have kept in my heart for so long, she still side that *****! I know lah, you all are friends mah! Friends will definitely help each other de! I find it very difficult to forgive her for that! Maybe someday I will forgive her but not now. I also find it extreamely difficult to forgive somebody for hurting me..sorry Father, sorry Holy Spirit, sorry YueMing, but for now, I couldn't find the strength to forgive. Maybe someday, I will forgive them but sad to say, I will never forget! Especially if the incident has cause so much hurt in my heart!

The day before, YueMing called me to pray with me and she mention that she learnt alot of things though people and she said that she has also learnt to be more tactful with me and she have to pick her words and think through before saying anything to me as she is afraid that I might be unhappy(or whatever she mention that i forgot). When I heard that, somehow I felt quite unhappy cos I prefer people to be straight-forward to me. Like I said, I am a straight-forward person. But one thing I must agree with YueMing about what she said is that not many people could accept the way I am. Some could, some couldn't. But sad to say, I have poor judgments of people and that is why I always tend to get hurt.

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time..

Easter Day

Yesterday afternoon, I was suppose to meet YueMing for service but I was late. Uh-Oh! Totally forgotten about it le! -_-" I then rush down for service quickly but when I reach there, I have to queue with the rest of the church members and it was a very long queue! But thankfully the queue was quite fast. I then located my cell group members and seated quickly with them. There are two cell group leaders quarrelling behind me over the seats as one group of the members were not very polite and even "snatch" the seats that one of the group has taken, when the other cell group members arrive and couldn't find any seats, they throw the other cell group member's bags and overtake their seats!?(As least that is what I heard about their conversations). In my mind, I was thinking,"Wah liew! Ah ni kuan?! How can they do that?! No wonder the cell group leader is unhappy and quarrelling with the other cell group leader"She was shouting very loudly at a guy, and the guy seems to be very defensive. After quarrelling for a long while, they then stop but I do not know how did the settle the whole matter. Both of their cell group members are quite young.

Brother Tony then came over and comment that I dress very nicely that day. I smile back to him and said,"Thank You". Actually I anyhow dress de. I was wearing a green spegettie strap(my god-sister gave me)with a white long sleeve shirt covered over it(My Mum folded the sleeve) and Dark blue Jeans. Cos one of my cell group members complained last week that she don't like to see me dress in T-shirt and Jeans as it doesn't look good on me. Urgh! So I pick the clothes which I think will look nice on me. YueMing then help me to make up but maybe cos it was too dark..so I couldn't see the colour of the eye shadows.

After that the service starts and we sing praise and worship songs. Then came drama which show how Jesus was cruify on the cross and who were his betrayers. How he healed the blind, how he cast out Demons etc. He was so powerful and so merciful towards His disciples even though He predicted that two of them will betray Him. I cried alot of times throughout the whole drama as I couldn't control my tears. Especially the part where he carried a very big cross on his back and walk painfully each step he takes. There was blood all over the body of Jesus and there are scars from the whipping too! I cried instantly when I saw that and there is this pain in my heart that I don't know how to explain. In my mind, I keep shouting,"Jesus!"and my tears just keeps flowing. There were shoutings and wailings from the people who followed him and in the end, he died when He was nailed to the cross(The blood and scars are so real! I don't know how did they make it so real?!)I liked the part most is where Jesus rise from the dead after 3 days and he appear himself to his disciples before going to Heaven.

After the whole show has ended, Pastor Kong then shared sermons with us and towards the end, I cried again while he shared how faithful God was and He was still there with us even though we reject Him or Backslide from Him. He is there when we are happy, He is there when we are sad, confuse and disappointed. He is still there waiting for His people to return to him one day. I keep crying non-stop when this sermon was shared. Cos I was thinking about alot of things that I had done to Him. But still...I couldn't believe that He is still there waiting for me to talk to Him each day.

After that we then went for fellowship and Nicholas brought us to a place to eat. The place was very nice and looked like a resturant. On the way there, I saw HuiYi and quickly rush to her like a little child. I miss her so much. LiYi ask me,"Oh! I am invisable again huh? Okay lor. Go away lah..don't talk to me!(she said this jokingly). I then held Li Yi's hand and said,"No, no. I also miss you". She smiled. I then told them what I am thinking and Li Yi said,"If you dare to do that, I will "K" you!" HuiYi then look at me sternly and said,"Juliet! Don't you dare!"

After that I went to meet up with my friends for a small gathering. Sherlyn look very beautiful that day! She said she wore like that cos she has to attend her elder brother's wedding. We then took alot of pictures together. I think a few of my friends are still quite confuse to what is going on and to what's happening around them. It's okay. I will explain it to you guys sooner or later about the whole story but still, in the end, it's for you to judge about that matter. I had my own reason why I made that decision. Sorry..

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Am I such a useless person?

As the day goes by, I'm feeling more and more useless. Cos..can't seem to get a new job fast. I have subcribe to don't know how many online job agency and don't know how many resumes I had sent but I didn't get any reply. Or maybe I should apply other jobs other than office jobs? Was thinking of working back to factory but I know very well that the timing don't suit me and that it's a dead-end job for me. Don't ask me to stay in my current job as I hate it! Esther told me the other day that she is thinking of leaving too. I then encourage her to stay on as I have my own reasons why I wanted to leave. Actually I was thinking of leaving the company quite long ago but I didn't have the courage. But now when I finally took the step of Faith to resign, things doesn't seem to go well for me. Jia Xin is also suffering as she is also out of job for two weeks. I can understand her pressure as I am going through it now. Haha. YueMing did prayed for me before and ask me not to lose hope. She told me that God will provide a job for me. Actually He already did but I don't like the job timing as I have to work 6-days a week and worst of all, I have to work on Alternet Saturdays which means that I have to miss service. I used to be very concern about that but now...I don't really care if I miss service or not. HuiYi should know very well why? HuiYi and WeiJing tried to knock some sense into me. HuiYi knows very well about me and what I am going through. She then ask me to talk to Brother Tony about this as she really doesn't want to see me backslide. I am still struggling with this decision although I know very well what I have decide.

Yesterday night, my God-sister then called me trying to ask me out for supper with that stupid idiot Alan and her boyfriend. I told her I am not joining them as I want to watch TV. Actually I wanted to avoid Alan as much as possible cos I don't want to be his "Dang(3) Jian(4) Pai(2)"Cos Cherlene is there and he seems to be quite unhappy. I know...I know..but don't ask me out okay? I will go out with that stupid Alan if he dare to clerify to Cherlene what is going on between him and me! Stupid Alan! Since you have a very big mouth that lies right? Then I want you to clear your lies first! If not, next time if I ever happen to see Cherlene and if she ask, I will tell her myself about the stupid whole story! Mei! Stop helping Alan can or not?! I told you the upteenth times that I don't like him! I thought you told me you understand le!? If you really treat me as your "sister", then can you please respect my decision?

Felt that everything has gone back to what it was before(at least for me). I am also struggling whether or not to go back to my bad habits once again and also try new *Ahem* habits(HuiYi should know what is it as she has pinch me for it)She told me not to give up and not to go back to what I was before. She don't want me to walk back into the past. The new habit is a thing that will destroy me completely if it is out of my control. The only thing I remember hearing HuiYi comment about my new habit is,"No! Juliet No! Cannot! Can you please be more positive?! Trust God! Believe that he will provide you a job that is suitable for you! Pray! Pray to Him and seek Him and confess! There is power is confession!"Actually I felt quite hurt by her reaction. In a sense that I don't wish to see her keep worrying for me and I don't wish to upset her. Seeing her worried expression made me think twice about my stupid decision.

I now understand why I had that nightmare and why is Vincent not in that dream. He used to ask me before,"Why you dreamt of HuiYi, Jing Xian, Wei Jing and MingWei(etc) and why was I not in your dreams together with them?"I then joke to him saying that if he were in my dreams, I guess he will take out his Bible and said to the zombie,"In the name of Jesus, I commend you to...!"(whatever he commends lah)He then joke back to me saying,"Ya, I will definitely do that!"But again on the other hand, it could be a coincidence about that dream. Cos sometimes, dreams do mean something that tries to warn us about certain things in our life or what our sub-concious self is thinking(at least that's how I feel about dreams). I used to dreamt of certain events that really takes place in my life years after that dream occur. I was quite young then. When I shared with my then classmates about it, a few of them said that I may have the ability to see the future through my dreams or whatever. But I don't think so. I dreamt of a dream(quite stupid)was I was Primary 5 and that dream turns into reality when I was in Sec.2. I finally get to learn who was that voice in my that dream but it was all too late. I now live in regrets that I had not treasured him when he was with me. He did came back to look for me 3 and a half years later after we broke up but sad to say, I cannot be with him due to certain reasons and I remembered he left me feeling heart-brokened. The very last time I saw him, he has changed alot, into someone whom I don't know. He got more violent, took drugs, rioting etc which made me extremely heart-broken, disappointed and upset with him. After that, I had no news of him. Some of his friends said he went to jail and was sentence to 7 years imprisonment while some said he has mirgate to Australia(if he's really sentence to 7 years, that means it'll be another 3 years before his release). But whatever it is, I wish him all the best in his future. Hopefully, the next time if I get to see him, he could tell me that he has a wonderful wife and a cute little child and that he is very happy with his life. At least, that is the last thing I wanted to hear him saying to me.

As for me, I think I will chose to remain single. Or until the day where a guy could really accept me for who I am and could really accept my past. I think I shall end my stupid nonsense here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Regret Clubbing?

On Wednesday night, I went to meet *Eileen and a friend that she wanted to introduce to me. When we reach to the destination, we saw a group of people sitting around a table and I got really scared as I got closer to the group.

Eileen's friend then introduce the friends to us. I kept quiet throughout the meeting while they chatted with one another happily. Eileen ask me why am I so quiet? I said nothing. Actually, one thing I can tell you guys, is this..If you see me being very quiet while the rest of you talk, it is either I cannot click with the conversation you are talking about or I am simply just observing people. While they chat, I scan them with my eyes. I then notice a guy with tattoos underneath his sleeved shirt when he rise his hands upwards. He is sitting just beside me and he's the only Chinese guy other than Eileen's friend. I didn't think much about him then.

After that, we then left for Momo and bid the group Goodbye. Eileen then said,"How? Later that guy is coming down leh..didn't you hear him mention just now?" I said,"What guy? The guy sitting beside me?" She nodded. I then said,"It's okay lor". She then mention to me that, that is the guy her friend wanted to introduce to me and ask me how do I think of him? I then said to her,"What?! No way man! I hate guys with tattoos!"(Especially those associate with Gangs). She was surprise and ask,"He have tattoos? I didn't see it" I then told her that, it's because the tattoo is covered by his T-shirt! She was surprise but said nothing.

She drank quite heavily at Momo and keep snatching my drinks! In total she had 7-8 glasses while I only had 4 glasses. Cos when I ordered my drink and the bartender hands it to me, she either exchange my drink with hers or she just snatch away(Cos my drink has higher alchohol content than hers). Saw that guy at Momo again! But upon closer look, he is not as handsome as he seemed. So disappointed..After that we then went to MOS to dance.

We then went home after that. Reach home at 5.30am and sleep for a few hours before going to work. Feeling very tired as I do not have enough sleep. I then notice that the fringe of my hair has grown! Wah! So fast! Just had my haircut a week ago?! Sianz...or maybe I should crop my hair? One thing good about it is that I can manage my hair easier but sad to say, none of my friends like me to have short hair. Cos I told them I wanted to cut to boy's style or army style if possible. But they said that kinda hair cut don't look good on me. Okay lor...nevermind. Haiz..guess I have to look for my God-sister and ask her to give me a new haircut if I got money. Have to sleep soon...cos I'll be waking up to play soccer for fun. Haiz..so long never practise the skills that my God-brother taught me. I wondered if I had forgotten any of the tactics? Haha

Mood swings?

Today at work, Wendy was surprisingly "not bad" to me. Maybe because she knows that I am leaving so she just heck care me. I know lah..you want me to disappear fast right? I will lah! Just give me 2 more weeks and I will disappear from your sight forever!

HuiYi then message me an SMS to which I felt quite bad about it. I know she is trying to make me felt better but sad to say, I can't see her point of view. Although her SMS is quite encouraging. But I always have this negative thoughts in my mind. I don't see any point thinking positively as the FACT of the WORLD is viewing it in a negative way. The other day, she shared with me something that really surprise me. It's about the way I see things. I was very surprise about what she shared and she encourage me to see things with a different point of view and maybe things will get better for me this way. Well, it's very difficult for me but I will try. From now on, I will try to see things positively okay?

I had receive an Email from a company looking for Admin at HF?! Oh no! The job was introduce to me by my cousin. He is also helping me to look for Admin job after he learnt that I am looking for job. Thanks Kok! But after I receive the email back and the person telling me the location, I got very scared. I don't know why. But still I had sent my resume and give it a try and see how it reply. I pray very hard that I can get that job!

After that, when Wendy went off, YaCin doing her work with that "sian" look. When I ask her what happened, she replied,"Good lor. Somebody get to leave this job le. Not like me..still stuck here."I then laugh and said,"Ya,but I leave without back-up. Don't be like me. I leave because of you-know-who"She then sigh at me and continue doing her work.

After that I couldn't really concentrate on my work as I am thinking of somebody and wonder how she is now? I really miss her very much but there's nothing I can do about it. My god-sister also wants to see her. The other day, she speaks to me excitedly,"I want to see her first!"I told her I will bring her to see when I am free.

I think I have to end here for now. Really very tired of everything..haiz..

Waiting for transformation

On Saturday, I went to a Sister's cell group with MingYing. We lost our way and in the end we have to take a cab there. Late for 1 hour haiz..sorry MingYing, my fault cos I don't know how to lead. MingYing then left very early as she has ministry to attend. I saw some new faces in the cell group but never get to know them. I don't like to socialize much anyway.

After that the cell group leader bought a few of us back in a cab. Haiz..so pai seh. I then thank her and went to look for my cell group. I was walking alone and I guess I was late for service as there are no ushers outside of the building and only a few of the people are walking with me. Strange..no one SMS to tell me where they are seated. I then walk past HuiYi's new cell group and was surprise to see Yanling there! Ahhh! Long time no see le! Very happy to see her although she change cell group like HuiYi and the rest. LiYi then ask me,"Oei! Greet them never greet me huh? I am transparent de huh? Okay lor.." I then apologize to LiYi as I never see her sitting there. Sorry lah LiYi..don't be angry leh. Haha. HuiYi then ask where is my cell group sitting and I replied that I don't know as none of them message me or anything to where they are seated. I then told her I will be sitting alone lor. She then glare at me and said,"No! How can you sit alone?! Come! We take you to them!"HuiYi then tried calling YueMing but she never pick up the call. MingWei and HuiYi then followed me and lead me to my cell group then they went off. *Sobx* I want to sit with LiYi!

Brother Tony then came and greet me as usual and sat down to talk to the new friends that Jia Ling's sister brought. I then wait for him to finish talking to them and then I ask him on purpose,"Brother Tony, do you have something to tell me"? He then look at me and said,"Uh.." before he came over and talk to me about my tithe. After that he then went off and talk to the new friends again. I was waiting for him to ask me something else other than tithe! Cos I want to talk to him! KNS! Haiz..since he don't want to talk to me and keep it to himself then forget it lah. I don't want to talk about that topic to him as I can see that he is quite stress about bringing new friends to church.

After that we then sing praise and worship and took the Holy Con-union(Is it this word?). I was very happy cos I thought I had miss it when I never attend service last week as the church usually takes it the 1st week of every month. But I hate it when the pastor gave us such a short time to say our prayers to God to whatever we want to say before taking the Con-union. I wonder what do they say using such a short time? After the service, there is this little girl called Jasmine who join our cell group. She is quite shy and talks very softly. I don't quite like to talk especially to new friends. Sorry for being so "dao" but I don't feel comfortable talking to them. If it is sisters, maybe I will try to step out of my comfort zone to stike a conversation with them. But if it's a Brother, sorry to say, I don't like to talk to them. No matter how you push me, the most I just talk one or two sentences with them and that's it. Sorry but this is me. Brother Tony ask us to make them feel welcomed. Okay okay..I will try my best okay? Although I don't quite like to talk to Brothers after what happened to one of my god-Brother. It has affect me greatly as I had trust him not to hurt me..but in the end...haiz..I don't wish to say but my friends should know what happened. And that cause the change in me! I told myself from now on, just go back to being what I used to be and this time, I will be more close-up and more introvert than before! Since this is what you want me to become, okay! Fine! I can become like that for you! I am used to be like that anyway! So if I had become too quiet or what, DON'T BLAME ME cos this is what you want, so this is what you get!

After that we then went to fellowship and I went for my Bible study with Brother Eugune. Brother Tony ask Brother Eugene to give me as he is busy giving Bible study to another group of people. I am not used to Brother Eugune's Bible study as he go through it very fast! Like as if he is not interested in giving me Bible Study. He had told me before,"Juliet, if I go through it too fast you must stop me". Oh ya right. You think I will? I just want to see how is your way of giving Bible study so I purposely don't stop you. If it is like this, then I prefer Brother Tony's Bible study. But still..the person that I wish to give me the Bible study most...you should know who you are. I really enjoyed my Bible Study with you and I still miss having Bible study with you.

*Eileen then called me and chat with me about the guy she wanted to introduce to me. I then told her I see how things goes first. Cos I don't quite like the guy my God-sister introduce to me. I will see how this goes. Father, don't tell me that the other time I did the quiz, you saw it with your eyes? It's really scary that suddenly all these things happen after I did the quiz. Cos when I was doing the quiz, I came across a question that ask me which method I would prefer to meet my "the other half"? After I thought for it for awhile and ask the Holy Spirit, which he didn't reply me, I then choose an answer which I thought that it is how I wanted to meet "him" in a realistic way and shortly after that, things like this began to happen and I didn't pray for it at all lor! When I pray for the things I really want and expect it to happen, it didn't happen and when I didn't pray for the things to happen, it happened. Father! Why are you so strange? Could you also provide me for a job that I want too?

After that, YueMing disappeared(I think she left while I was taking Bible Study), Brother Tony and Brother Eugene had to go off and I was left alone with Jonathan. MingYing and Nicholas has disappeared too. JingXian, WeiJing, PengYee, YuZhi then came to join us. I then went to 7-11 to buy some snacks as I am not full after eating that Noodles. I then share with Jonathan a little and watch Jing Xian teaching the rest of the boys dancing. I was very surprise that YuZhi was taller than me! Hmm..I think he is the same age as my younger brother but yet he is taller than me. Which means he is a head taller than my younger brother. At home, I tease my brother for being so short. He's 18 this year but still, he is a head shorter than me. Hahaha! If I could, I would like to switch heights with him. Cos he is the same height as my Mum but I am the same height as my Dad. But one thing I lose to my Dad is by walking. He walks extremely fast! He walks in a very slow pace but strangely, very fast. I don't know how to explain this to you but if one day you were to walk with my Dad, you'll be surprise by the way he walks. He walks in a slow pace but at the same time, if you are not aware of him and talking to someone else while walking or whatever, by the time you turn to look at him, he could be quite far away. This is my Dad for you. A few of my friends sometimes complain that I walk too fast! I am walking in my normal pace mind you! I am not walking very fast! I guess maybe I had inherited my father's genes that's why. I am like my Dad in most ways. Hahahaha! We then board the train and went home. On the way, MingYing then ask me to save money and she will bring me to shopping and change my dress style too. Haha..okay okay. Wait till I really have money then I will go shopping with you. HuiYi also wants to bring me shopping to change my image and clothes too and not forgetting YueMing too and my god-sister. Wah! So many girls bringing me for shopping..have to spend quite alot of money. Haha! Wait till I got a new job first bah..

I guess I have to end here for now. Have to rush for work. Haiz..when can I get a new job??? Father, I want a new job please? A job that I am happy working in?

New hairstyle again!

Yesterday morning, I went to meet my god-sister for haircut. I wore the clothes that she wants me to wear. Those who knows me well, you know that I always like to wear standard clothes - T-shirt and Jeans right? But she says that she'll ban me from wearing T-shirts if I want to go out with her. I think maybe because she is sick of my dress style and try to change my dress sense. Actually I appreciate her for it. She is a person who knows how to dress really well(But not up to Silvia's standard lah). At least she knows what to wear for whatever occasion and not overdress herself.

I was late for 15 minutes cos I keep changing the T-shirts that she gave me but none of them fit me except for a pink sleeveless T-shirt. I wore that to meet her and when she saw me, she scream and said,"Yes! This is how I want you to dress Jie! Dress more girlie!"She then ask me when are my parents not at home, so that she could change the clothes in my wardrobe. I told her that I have a big stack of Jeans at home, Alot of T-shirts(short and long sleeves)and only one or two skirts which I seldom wear. She said if it is possible that one day my parents are not home, she will drop by my place and see what's in my wardrobe and if possible, she'll give my wardrobe a total make-over. But I know very well, Jeans is out for her. She insist me to wear skirt(which I don't like and hate to wear skirt!)but I keep on negociate with her and in the end, she let my keep my Jeans in one condition: From now on, whenever I go out with her, NO T-SHIRTS ALLOWED. In my mind I was thinking,"Wah piang eh! I can die lah!"and I notice one thing about the shirts that she chose for me: Almost all are low-cut at the front which I am not comfortable with it. I then showed her something and she went to make a copy of it.

We then went for our haircut and I don't quite like my new hairstyle. Cos it looks very strange to me and that I am not used to it. After that we then went to the arcade to play games and I was very surprise that she don't know how to play DDR!(Dance Dance Revolution)she keep getting "E" while I get alot of "A"s and occaional "S"s. She complain of leg pain during a stage of the dance cos I think she dance too roughly and it injured her leg. I then ask her to rest while I dance for the rest of the stages. I then insert coins to play for the second round and she watch me play as I use stunts in one of the DDR stages. She look at me with her eyes wide and clap after I had complete that stage. She said,"Wah Jie! You know how to dance stunts?"I said,"No. But I watch others playing DDR before and follow their movements to the songs. The stunt that you saw me playing just now is a stunt that I copied from a guy playing DDR a long time ago. So that's why it looks quite rough". She then went to watch other games.

After that I watch her playing ParaPara and a few of the girls in the arcade surround the machine. After that my god-sister ask me to take over her while she went to the ladies'. The girls do not seem to be happy but I don't know why. She then came back with her boyfriend(she is meeting her guy and wanted to go out with me at the same time). I then bid my god-sister and her boyfriend goodbye before I went to meet HuiYi for outing.

We then went to CityHall and she introduce me a food that is $4.90 but it's a very nice set meal. I then show HuiYi something and her reaction towards it surprise me! She didn't condemn me or didn't even show signs of worried or anything that I had expect her to react. Instead she take it like as if it is normal and there's nothing wrong with it! I gave her a surprise look and she ask me,"Why you look at me like that?"I then told her that her reaction towards it surprise me and none of my friends react like the way she does. She said,"Then what do you expect? Scold you? Cry? or what?"I then look at her for awhile speechless and continue drinking the soup.

We then went to meet Liyi and went shopping together and HuiYi help me to choose pants for office wear. We then walk around for awhile before we bid goodbye and I went to meet some friends for chatting. After that we then went home.

Sad and utterly confuse

Couldn't get to sleep right now. Just had a long chat with my god-sister. She was very shock, angry and most of all, upset after I share a little of what happened to me during the years when she is not in my life. She said that she regretted not being there for me when I need someone for support and understanding most. I apologise to her for making her so upset. She even cried for me! This is the very first time I heard her crying since the day I've known her. She is a cheerful girl who always puts a smile on her face and has never cried infront of me before. But yet..after what I have told her, she cried non-stop. She ask me alot of questions but she said exactly the same thing like what the majority(who knows about this)says. But I had my own reasons to why I chose to stand firm on my decision. I then said to her,"Now you know why I keep rejecting Alan?"She understood and said that she won't match-make me and Alan anymore(Yetta!). She knows what I want in my life and what I am lacking, but I told her that I know I won't get what I want in this life. I had lost almost everything now...just had to get used to it. Like my usual phrase,"Xi guan jiu hao".

She then blame me for being so heartless. Haiz..I had heard this word used on me for don't know how many times by the-people-who-knows. But I prayed a silent prayer whenever I can about this matter. I just prayed that my worst fears don't ever come true. It is the only reason why I continue to live and it is also my only burden in my life that no one could help me but myself. Now I learnt something: One wrong decision, the price you pay for it could be more than you could afford.

When everyone seems to be running and rushing with their lives, I walk through it slowly cos I don't see any purpose living like the rest anymore since that fateful day onwards. I could do nothing but to watch how things goes. Couldn't really find any meaning anymore.

Please, again, don't ask me what happen. I will not share. Those who know what I am talking about, just keep it to yourself..Feeling very tired emontionally but there is no longer anything I could do...

Song composed

Below is a song that I have created at the last minute. *Eileen, I think you should know who is the person of the song I am writing about bah? If you don't know then you can ask me and I'll tell you. I don't really know how to sing this song and may need people to help me to do the rapping of the song. If anyone wants to alter the changes to the lyrics of the song, please let me know okay? :

From the moment I saw you

You took my breath away

Your smile, your eyes and your boylish looks

made my heart melts with your every move

Chorus

Tell me baby, how can I make you mine?

Your voice has captured my heart

I love the way you sing tonight

and your smile is so kind

I love the way you sing to your songs

They brought me tears to my eyes

I love the way you sing tonight

You've made the world feel so right

Tell me when can I see you again?
Tell me when you'll be here?
Cause I'll be here waiting for you
Till the day you come back again


Lyrics By: Juliet

Haha! So happy!

Went to meet my god-sister yesterday night as she has some thing to pass it to me. Went to a coffee shop nearby her place and order drinks to chit-chat for a while. She told me again what Alan want me to change. Ahhh! Told you how many times le!? I am not interested in Alan! I don't like him at all!!! I don't mind that you all want me to change my haircut and my clothing style but my bag?! Why you all cares what kinda bag I take!? I have alot of things to put lor! That is why I seems to be always carrying such a big bag! I then told her that I don't like guys to be picky. Alan is extremely picky until I find it unacceptable!

I know she is trying very hard to match-make me and Alan. I told her(don't know how many times)that I don't like Alan! Actually there is this girl called Cherlene that liked Alan very much. The problem is, she has a boyfriend of her own le but she is wooing Alan at the same time. Then..that stupid Alan very funny! My god-sister said that he told Cherlene on the phone the other day(the day after we met)that I am his girlfriend! KNS lor! Now Cherlene is very jealous with me and treats me like her Qing(2) Di(2)! Oh no! Father! Help me to get out of this mess!!! Stupid YC(my god sister's name)! I repeat this again and again for don't know how many times and now I tell you straight on the face I DON'T LIKE ALAN! He is not my type! I know he is not bad for a guy but sorry to say I don't think he is suitable for me. Extremely picky guy! Of all my ex(s), none of them are as picky as him! The most they only pick me for my hair or my size. But never my bag! Feel like giving him a punch on his face! You want me to carry that kinda small small bag? Can..if you can magically put my size of Bible and notebook into the small bag of yours. Then I will consider taking that kinda small bag okay!(Which i think it only has space for handphone and wallet and a few make-up kits)

HuiYi then message me later in the night and said she will be helping me to choose office clothing.(Thanks alot HuiYi!) My god-sister will be bringing me for haircut on Saturday and she want me to dye my hair golden brown. I ask my Mum for the colour and she look at me for awhile before saying,"That hair colour is not suitable for you". Actually I dyed my hair once before but the colour was not obvious. It was light brown colour. But now the colour faded and return to black colour again. I think I will just go for a new hair cut on saturday and see how it looks like. But I have a feeling that I will look very ugly in that hair style.

Yeh! My weight has gone down again! Don't know why my weight keeps droping rapidly nowadays. But it's a good sign for me lah. Cos finally can get to lose so much weight in such a short time! Which I am very happy for it. Lose 3kg within 2 days. Hmm..maybe I should carry on with my current diet(1 meal per day)cos I don't have time to eat. The other day I post on my other blog that one day I would like to try the water-only-and-no-food diet but my cousin comment on that blog to ask me not to try that as I will gain back the weight I lose much faster as I only rely on water as my meal and that it will affect my health quite badly. Don't know how true is it? Cos my god-sister keeps on complaining that she is fat and tries to lose weight. But she looks okay to me. Don't know why she is so obsessive with her size? The other day she wore a tight tube dress and I didn't see any tummy on her! Very slim lor! Got figure somemore! Yet she still complain that she is fat and still picky on foods! Humph! Nevermind, if I continue with my current diet, one day I will sure catch up with you!

For now I aim my weight at 50kg first..then slowly I will reduce to 40 or lower if I can hit 50kg by this year. By then, if I really lose until that kinda weight, I can compare with my god-sister who is slimmer! Haha! *Day dreaming*

Okay lah..enough of my nonsense..I think I have to end here for now. Will blog again next time. Stupid YC! You just wait and see! And don't try to match-make me with Alan again!

Fun but depressing

This afternoon I went to meet my god-sister. After that we went to Orchard and meet her boyfriend, Christopher and Alan(The guy she wanted to introduce to me). We then went to Cineleisure and play games there. I failed my ParaPara game and Alan shake his head. HuiYi then called me and ask why I didn't attend church? After I told her my reason, she ask me to talk to Brother Tony about it. I dare not. So she talk to him for me. She then ask me not to do foolish things. Huh? What did I do? She said to me,"Don't think that I don't know hor!"I know lah..you read my blog mah. But really nothing happen to me..erm..for now. I still can hold on. Although I may be breaking down totally at any time soon if I cannot take it anymore. But so far, I still could hold on for a little while longer. I do not know how long can I continue being like this. She then told me something that Brother Tony ask her to speak to me. I was quite surprise! She said,"You think about it and let me know by tonight". I am still very confuse and don't know what to do but I told her that I may backslide anytime soon cos I couldn't take it that Brother Tony ask me to do something that is not within my means. Until now I still haven't gave her an answer. But I just hope that if I ever backslide, she won't be so upset. It is not that I wanted it to be this way but I can't pay for tithes anymore now that I am almost jobless and trying to make ends-meet at the same time. My line may be terminate anytime soon next month. Cos I don't think I have the money to pay for my Bills.

After that we then went to meet another friend of Alan's and Alan treat us to Pizza hut. So pai seh..meet him for the first time and yet he is the one who treats all of us. I don't know about them but for me I feel very embaress. We then took a very long walk and my god-sister is angry that Alan never talk to me much and keep asking him to talk to me and even scold him(secretly). She thinks that I don't know? I over-heard what she said to Alan. Alan nods to her but still in the end, he still keeps quiet and never talks to me even though we are walking side-by-side. My god-sister's face then turn black. But I told her maybe that he has nothing to talk to me. It's okay.

We then went on our seperate ways and I went home with my god-sister while her boyfriend, Christopher, Alan and another guy walks home by themselves. On the way, she told me what Alan had comment about me. She tries to match-make the both of us but I told her that I don't like Alan at all! She told me that she wanted me to get a new haircut as she thinks that my current haircut is not suitable for me. I then told her that I wanted a haircut like hers as it is easy to manage. She then told me,"Next time when we go out with Alan, you don't wear T-shirt. Wear skirt and wear a tube top or spegetti top". I was thinking,"Huh!? No way man! There is no way that I could dress like that! NO!"I then told her that I don't have that kinda figure to dress that way. She then comment that my figure looks okay as I am not so fat.(Ya right!) She said that I am slimmed down alot since the last time she saw me. I then told her I am on supplements and it only helps me to controls my weight and that is why I can manage to maintain my current weight. She also ask me to put on make-up. No! I don't want! By the way, I only put on make up when I go clubbing. Other than that, I won't put any make up on!

She then sigh and said,"I really wish that you and Alan can be together cos I find that he is not bad and his expectations of a girl is not so high. Just that he wants the girl to dress up and put a little make up that's all". I then keep quiet and fluming secretly. She then ask me,"Do you like Alan"? I almost fell off my seat when she said that. I then glared at her and said,"NO! I am not interested in him!"She then said that she had a feeling that Alan and I can be together someday. Haha! That will not happen okay!? Cos firstly, I am not interested in him. Secondly, he is not the type of guy I wanted. Thirdly, I don't think he is the kinda guy that can be boyfriend's material(for me). I told her that it is impossible bwtween me and Alan. She then kept quiet.

After that when I reach my stop, I then got off the bus and went home. I am still not used to going back so early. But..haiz..no money. What to do? I think I will end here for now. Another nonsense blogging again...haha. Night folks!