Sad and utterly confuse

Couldn't get to sleep right now. Just had a long chat with my god-sister. She was very shock, angry and most of all, upset after I share a little of what happened to me during the years when she is not in my life. She said that she regretted not being there for me when I need someone for support and understanding most. I apologise to her for making her so upset. She even cried for me! This is the very first time I heard her crying since the day I've known her. She is a cheerful girl who always puts a smile on her face and has never cried infront of me before. But yet..after what I have told her, she cried non-stop. She ask me alot of questions but she said exactly the same thing like what the majority(who knows about this)says. But I had my own reasons to why I chose to stand firm on my decision. I then said to her,"Now you know why I keep rejecting Alan?"She understood and said that she won't match-make me and Alan anymore(Yetta!). She knows what I want in my life and what I am lacking, but I told her that I know I won't get what I want in this life. I had lost almost everything now...just had to get used to it. Like my usual phrase,"Xi guan jiu hao".

She then blame me for being so heartless. Haiz..I had heard this word used on me for don't know how many times by the-people-who-knows. But I prayed a silent prayer whenever I can about this matter. I just prayed that my worst fears don't ever come true. It is the only reason why I continue to live and it is also my only burden in my life that no one could help me but myself. Now I learnt something: One wrong decision, the price you pay for it could be more than you could afford.

When everyone seems to be running and rushing with their lives, I walk through it slowly cos I don't see any purpose living like the rest anymore since that fateful day onwards. I could do nothing but to watch how things goes. Couldn't really find any meaning anymore.

Please, again, don't ask me what happen. I will not share. Those who know what I am talking about, just keep it to yourself..Feeling very tired emontionally but there is no longer anything I could do...