Who's Your Type?

Found this test though tinkle link. Quite true for me:

Your type is the Artiste

Creative. Sensitive. A bit offbeat. Your type is the Artiste, a unique guy who knows how to express himself in many ways, whether it's through words,music, or attire. You're attracted to his unconventional ways and his remarkable talents. He doesn't feel compelled to abide by society's norms.He believes that individuality is the key to happiness, and everything he does is a reflection of his "inner self." You fall head-over-heels for such confidence and style. Whether he's playing a song he wrote for just you or writing you a love letter, this guy knows how to make you feel special. He's in touch with his feminine side and doesn't need to assert his masculinity to feel manly. If we were to paint a picture of your future, the Artiste would definitely be part of it!

Hee..Was quite bored during work and surf the net. Found this website and did the test. For those of you who are single, you need to use a lot of imagination to imagine how would you like your ideal/dream guy to be like? Quite true for my type but then again, I doubt that this type of guy would fall for a rough girl like me :P Agree? You can try other testes at http://web.tickle.com/

Why?! why?! why?!

Yesterday work till 7pm at night. Actually intend to work till 10 or 11pm but my head was very painful that I couldn't carry on my work. Decided to go home after that.

After I reach home, get showered and had my dinner, I then read Monday's Newpaper. At the speaker's column, a guy wrote in to complain about a shop assistant's rude behaviour and he was shock at the response of the Manager. His wife had trip on a hole that was cover by the carpet and had sprained her ankle. When he request the Manager to put a sign to warn other customers, he was shock to learn that the Manager is more concern about the shop image than the customer's safety! I didn't bother it too much at first until I read the name of the guy who wrote in. It was a name that I feared the most! When I saw the name of the guy, I had a mix feeling of anger, surprise and most of all, fear.

I felt my hands trembled a little at the name. I was thinking,"He's married?" But I am not very surprise cos it has been 7 years since I last saw him. But I wondered what did he do to the pictures and the video that...?(don't wish to say too obvious). He is the one that destroys my life completely and my life changed from the day where I first met him. Since he's already married, I guess he has cleanly forgotten about me. But till today I still have deep hatred and anger towards him. He has move on with his life but I am still stuck where I am now and could never ever forget that 1 and a half years torture of my life from him! For those of you who misunderstand that he is one of my ex-boyfriend, sorry to say, No. He is not one of my ex!

At night I couldn't sleep well and cried almost the whole night. Struggling with a lot of emotions within me. Why!? Why does his name appeared to me again?! Bro told me the other time to let go of my past and look forward to the future. He said that what has happened, happened and I couldn't do anything to change my past. What I could do is to treasure my present and to look forward to my future instead of looking back at my past. I understand what he means but still I couldn't forgive myself of what has happened even though many years has pass by. He said that I would meet a guy someday somewhere, a guy that won't mind my past and would accept me for who I am.

Thinking a lot of things in my mind. I find myself extremely irritated and sensitive about a particular topic nowadays. I listened to some worship songs and prayed for healing from God and The Holy Spirit(That was 2.10am in the morning). The memories that the person left for me was very painful! A lot of negative painful memories flooded back to my mind and I keep weeping.

Don't ask me questions cos I really do not wish to answer. Just read it and forget it. I would forgive him some time - soon. But still I really cannot forget the experience that I had that has "trap" me for so many years.

I think I'll end here for now. Feel better after blogging...

Met new friend today

It is the last lesson of the marriage course. I have benefit a lot from it but still, after that lesson, somehow I felt that maybe marriage is not really for me after all. Maybe I preferred single life. After service, I went to meet Esther at Boon Lay and I finally found where is Jurong Point le! Thought that it has gone missing.

Pass Esther some things and eat together with her. Feel very nervous when teaching her something which actually I have no authority to(sorry cannot say what is it). She ask me to relax and don't stammer my words. Ooops! Sorry.

After that we went to walk around for awhile and went to Woodlands. Didn't know there's a Pasa Malam there. Marcus then SMS me saying that he wanted to meet me. He don't mind that I have a friend with me. The other time, Esther and I suspect a reason why Don mind me bringing Esther along. Esther said that luckily it's God who protected me. Yes! Praise the Lord! :P

The way Marcus greet us was very funny. He was standing behind us and we didn't know. Since when did he appear? We then walk around and sat down at Burger King to chat. Marcus then got to know me better through some things Esther accidentally blurt out. But it's okay. Just hope that he don't mind my faults that's all. I was very surprise that he is the same height as me!(So short!) His eyes reminds me of Ah Liang. Cos he has the same pair of eyes as Ah Liang(Or at least I felt that way).

At the ladies, Esther said that Marcus is not so bad. Can be friends type. I can really trust Esther's judgement cos her judgement has never been wrong. Especially when it comes to guys that I befriend with. Walk around at Pasa Malam again before heading home. Marcus then send us to Jurong East MRT station and went home later on. Really had enjoyed my day with Esther and Marcus :)

Really touched....thank you Father...

Recently I have been feeling very sad that a few of my friends had "abandon" me. I could not blame them especially since I am the one who seems to "abandon" them in the first place. Busy with too many things till I neglect them too much. When I tried to reach out to them once again, they just "slap my hand away" and giving me hints that they don't need my help anymore. I know..I know..it's my fault but I couldn't do anything to salvage the friendship to it's original peace. Feel so sad of losing a friend again but only have myself to be blame. That is what happens when you are too busy with your own life that you neglect your friend or friends. Now that my friend is emotionally broke down and when I try to reach out, he shut me out of his life forever. Cried at office but luckily no one bothers me. Within this year I had lost 2 of my very close friends. But can I blame them? No. Only have myself to be blamed. I really do not know how to talk to him anymore...I wish to help him but..could I?

Prayed to God for 20 minutes. Okay I know it's not very long but at least it's a very nice prayer. Most of you who know me inside out, will know that I am not very familiar with the Bible cos I don't read the Bible often right? I did not use the Daily Bread for my prayers. I just pray on my own to God. Then at the back of my mind, it told me to flip to a particular verse. It's in Isaiah. When I read the verse that appears on my mind, I was very surprise! I wanted to cry to God but I couldn't. I don't know why. I pray to Him and told Him about my struggles with a particular Sin that I cannot break and my mind showed me this verse. Then I "stone" for don't know how long, looking out of my window. Trying to figure out what the verse mean.

I really dread going to work. You all should know why. But I have 2 more months of my contract to complete. After that I do not know what I want to do. Was thinking of going back to work in Factory line but I am still considering.

Here's a poem for that "someone" and to ALL my friends:

Friends we are, Forever we will Be

Through Good Times, and Bad Times

Through Joy and Through hardships

Forever my friendship for you will remain

I'll be knocking at your door

to ask how you are.

Even if you've shut me out

I'll still be knocking at your door

Till the day you finally open it for me

At times we would fight,
At times we would Argue
But through the fights,
our friendships grew stronger
our bond draws closer

If there comes a day when I am too busy to call
If there comes a day when I am too busy to say Hi!
Just remember that I do think of you
with every single moment
with every single day of my life.

Money can't buy our friendships
Time can't stop for our sake.
I could only use the time I've given
To Love and treasure you each and every day

If one day you were to walk away,
If one day we would never see each other again
You'll always be in my memory,
You'll always be in my heart.

I'll never give up the friendship
I'll never give up our hope.
Till the day you finally ask me to let go,
Till the day when we breathe our last.
Till then, I'll still love you, as my friend.

Thanks for being such a great friend!

Poem written by: Juliet Li

Sorry..Don't think it's a nice poem but I had written it from the bottom of my heart. Delicate to all my friends. Hope that you'll like the poem. Got to end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Finally can blog at office!

Yeh! Finally can do my blogging in the office. Cos for the previous weeks after I edit the format from my office computer, there are some icons of the blog I need, are not available in my office to help me with my blogging. Like text clour etc. But strangely it is available when I try to do blogging at home. So most of the time I could only do my blogging when I reach home. Well anyway...

Help!!!! I am going to be bored to death if it continues to go on like this! The project has actually finish le and the top managements are doing checking. Then never give me anything else to do. Sianz...Alex told me the other time that I should be feeling bliss that I could surf net in the office for the whole day. Some office working people don't get this bliss of worklife. Huh? Oei! At least they are WORKING okay? Not like me..have to fake a pretendence that I am working whenever my Manager pass by my work station. That kind of feeling sucks okay?! Imagine having nothing to do when you report to work everyday and yet have to act like you are working on something. I told Alex if I were to come to work to surf net, I might as well stay at home to surf..can play my computer games at home at the same time. He then said,"Wah! Eh! People paid to work while you are paid to surf net leh. Not good meh? How I wish I had your job!" -_-" Is that an encouragement or what?

Prayed to God yesterday and finally break my previous record of 15 minutes. Prayed for 20 minutes but never read the Bible as I was too tired and it is getting very late. Strangely, when I tried to speak in tongues, my tongues is not very normal! Meaning..I was not speaking in my "usual tongues"! My god-brother used to tell me that if the Holy Spirit really dwells in me, I will find that my tongues changes after some time. The Holy Spirit will give me a new tongues to speak every now and then. I used to get very scared and feared the Holy Spirit for this but now I guess I am used to it. He said I shouldn't be fearing Holy Spirit for this as the Holy Spirit will get very upset and grieve if He knows that I am afraid of the new tongues. But I am really not used to be scare by Him like that mah. Don't worry. Now I am used to it even if I find myself speaking in new tongues cos to me it only meant that He really listens to what I am praying and help me convey certain prayers to the Father.

Brother Khai wants us to at least make an impact on others life within this week and ask us to be very spiritual. As I am not really a spiritual person, and had neglact God for the past few weeks, I used this one week to pray and try to draw closer to him instead. I tried to use the emotional map to pray to God but still I had miss some steps of the emotional map. I felt that it is as if Holy Spirit is saying to me,"I'm giving you one last chance and giving you one week to repent all your Sins". Somehow I could feel that He is greiving when He said this to me. During last week's marriage course, I then learnt how the Devil can use evil tactics to attack on our weak points to draw us further away from God. The Devil sure know what are my weakest points! KNS!

Thinking about what my Mum had said, In the midst of my prayer, I thank God for his protection for me. I could have been drag away by a few guys in that state easily but strangely no one drag me away. Or maybe because I am too ugly and too fat to be drag away. Haha! Either way, I am still thankful that I could reach home safe and sound at 3am in the morning. My Mum was very angry at me for this part and said to me,"Next time if you really want to drink, make sure there is someone else you can trust, to control your alcohol intake and to send you home! You're lucky nothing happens to you this time!" I heard my Mum scolding me,"Yao Si! Zher yang da dan yi ge ne hai zi yi ge ren qu he jiu!"(Wanna die! So bold a girl alone went drinking!)

I think I'll end here for now. Nothing else to blog le. Maybe I will blog again some other time.

Sunday 17/9/2006

Woke up in the morning about 8am and quickly rush to get ready to go for service. I think I did not hear the phone ring while I was in the showers and have 1 missed call from HuiYi. Usually when HuiYi calls me in the morning, it is either she is at church le or she is on her way to church. Either way, it is not a good news for me cos I am always late.

Took a cab to rush to Singapore Expo again and reach there at 9.30am sharp. Saw HuiYi around the middle row of the seats and I went to greet her. Put my bag down and went to Attributes to purchase a music CD sang by various singers. I bought the CD because only that CD had one song sang by Sun inside. The money that I purchase for the CD will be going towards the cancer foundation. It's not so bad. Imagine that I could listen to Sun's song and knowing that I could help to contribute to the cancer foundation at the same time :)

The topic for the day was,"How To Affair-Proof"your marriage? But somehow I really cannot catch the concept of it. The Pastor preach mostly about Sexual Temptation(A Sin that can really Kill me!)This is also another Sin that I find it very hard to break free from other than my drinking habit. But luckily, Pastor also preach on how to overcome sexual temptation. When Pastor speaks about Platonic Relationship, I felt extremely guilty of that Sin. It means to have romantic love and affection for someone who is not your spouse, but without the sex! Pastor says that if people misunderstands your relationship with an opposite sex, you have to watch yourself. So if I had a boyfriend and I had feelings for another guy who isn't my boyfriend, it is consider a sin? Haiz...hmm..erm..sad to say then I had Sin against God on this part cos I used to have this experience before. I really do not understand the reason why we cannot eat alone with a person of the opposite sex? I mean..it's just eating with a friend mah? Never mind, maybe someday I'll truly understand what do Pastor mean by this. None of my ex-bfs are Christians but I manage to get only one of my ex-bf to accept God into his heart. Sad to say, he has since back slided..I still blamed myself for his backsliding to this day. I had a feeling that he accept God and backslide later on, all because of me.

I had also learnt how communication is very important in relationship and why do unfulfilled emotions could lead to affairs happening in marriage. Now I understand it isn't easy for two people to be joined as one flesh. A lot of understanding, trust, communication, respect etc is needed to maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse. Now then I know why some opposite sex members always misunderstand me and my intentions. This course is really very beneficial to me!

After service, I went to fellowship with Lorraine, HuiYi, Samuel and WeiJing at Bedok Long John Silver. WeiJing and Samuel don't want to dine at fast food restaurant and prefer to dine in food courts or coffee shops instead. But gave in to us and dine with us eventually. While I was queuing, there's this group of boys irritate me by talking very loudly. I quickly order my food and left hurriedly. I really hate going to Bedok cos I am scared of bumping into one of my ex-bf there. Each time when I used to called him to ask him something, he will always irritate me saying,"You're calling me because you miss me right? You are willing to give me a chance for patching up with you right?"I thought that we could still remain as friends after break-up but I really find it extremely difficult to do so when he still has feelings for me and hopes for me to go back to him. I had change my mobile number because of some people including him. I don't wish to mislead him or giving him false hopes so I had changed my number, hoping that his disturbance would stop.

Initally was thinking whether to meet a guy I had met through friendster a few days ago. HuiYi ask me not to go as AMK had nothing fun there but only coffeeshops. The place there is also quite deserted. Lorraine then comment,"You have 3 hours to make a decision not to meet him"(Or something like that?). Esther then SMS me am I outside and wish to meet me to accompany her to meet a ex-colleague at Bishan. I was very relieve by her SMS. Since that guy never replied me when I request to meet at PS, I meet Esther to go out instead. After biding goodbye to the group, I went to tampines to buy some things there before going to CityHall to meet Esther.

Shop at Toa Payoh with Esther and went to Bishan to walk around. Spend quite alot of money on something..haiz..not careful with my expenses but nevermind. Eat with Esther at Pasta Mania and she still like to order her favourite Chicken Pasta while I order a new dish that is on promotion. She ordered a soft drink that is very cooling to drink. She then met her ex-colleague and they chat for a very long while. I wanted to interrupt her to ask whether I could window shop around whlie she chat with her friend but dare not do so. So I just keep quiet.

Don SMS me around that time, still insist me to meet him at AMK. When I ask if I could bring Esther along to meet him? As I do not want to "abandon" Esther alone. He then SMS me back,"Then we meet some other day ba..." Esther said the guy is very fishy and warn me to be very careful if I wanted to meet him alone. I told her that I won't abandon my friends anymore..unlike when I was in my secondary school daze. Cos I had realize the importance of friendship and friendship often last longer than love relationships. But maybe I had realize that a little bit too late.

We then went to TBP to play games and going to KFC to chat for a long time before heading home. Had a wonderful day enjoying my time with Esther that day! :D

SATURDAY, 16 SEPTEMBER 2006

Woke up very late in the morning. Suppose to be at CGM in the morning for combine CG. When HuiYi called me in the morning, I had just woke up(my hp is now beside my bed 24/7..so even during wee hours like 3am or 4am if u can't sleep and need someone to talk to, you can call me and I'll surely pick up your call). When I woke up, my head was very painful!(You all should know why bah? Reason very obvious) I then drag myself out of bed and shower to get myself ready. Took a cab and rush down to CG and manage to be just in time.

At CG, I complaint to HuiYi that my head is very painful and she knows the reason why and said,"Si Gina! Go drinking again last night right?! Yao Si orh!"and complaint to Lorraine. Lorraine then look at me quite sternly and signal to me to go to her. I was thinking,"Oh no!" She then piak my thigh and said,"What did you promise me huh?"(I made a promise to her last time that I could only drink 1 glass of Vodka and stop at that)HuiYi initially thought that I had gone into ONS thingy and asked me. I told her I did not got into ONS but almost got into fights instead. She said,"See lah?!" She look very shock when I told her that I crawl out from the club and vomited on the streets. First time behaving like that..and couldn't see my surroundings clearly. Every image to me was extremely blur that time to the extend that I need help from people to help me see which place did the NR bus go to and could only trust their words to board the right bus.

During the CG, Bro then mention about the different levels of friendship we shared with our friends. From Level 1 to Level 5. I was very surprise that HuiYi is actually my Level 5 friend! Which means actually I am quite vulnerable towards HuiYi and she's the most closest person to me next to God himself! Now I know why I could share everything with her at ease. I was very touched by her when she said about me that although I am a crazy girl(feng feng dian dian)most of the time, but when she had problems and needed someone to talk to, I gave her my full attention and listened to her problems with a serious look on my face. Hmm? Is it? I duno about the crazy part, cos so far only Vicente Korkor and her said I am a crazy person. But as for the listening part, I admit that I give full attention to my friends. You can't expect me to joke on your problem right? Anyway I really can't do it. Like I said before, if you had problems, I can't promise you that I could solve it for you. But I can really promise you that I can lend you my listening ears and my shoulders for you to cry onto if you ever need that. That is also the main reason why I don't ever switch off my handphone(other than charging). Cos if my friends were to need me to be there, they could reach me by phone anytime.

In church, Pastor talks about the emotional map we all have. We could use it in our quiet time with God. Hmm..I find it extremely useful for a person who don't know how to express themselves well(Like Me). He then ask a sister to read out aloud the love letter that spouses should write for each other to strengthen their marriage when conflicts arises. When the sister reads it with emotions, somehow I don't know why, I felt that it is as if the letter is written by HS to me personally. I am going through a problem then and the timing of the letter is very eerie! The letter angered me at first but I didn't pray or said anything and continued to listen on. When the sister reads about hurt, I can strongly sense HS's hurt towards the sinful things that I had done to grieve Him. I can also sense His fear towards the things I do and something told me that He fears that my history of my past would repeat itself if I continue to do certain things again and again that I could never get out of that cycle. When the sister reads,"I'm sorry you have such a wounded heart", I cried immediately. I also cried at the ending part of the letter where it says,"Jesus and I love you". After the sister finish reading, I felt like going down on my knees and cry out loud to God. But then again I am scared that the people sitting around me will think I am crazy. Now do you guys understand how WORDS can impact me so much that could make or break my heart?

After the service, Bro came and share his thoughts about the message. After that I quickly rush off to meet my friends at Harbourfront. I thought I had lost my bag in the shop when my friends play a trick on me. I was not angry with them but I am more worried of losing the things inside my bag! So..Esther, JiaXin and Lynn, Don't worry. I am not angry with you guys at all. But I am worried that's all. We went over to the food court opposite Harbourfront for dinner. Send Lynn to the taxi stand and we went to Espanade for a walk. I told JiaXin I had to go home earlier as I had another service in the morning and I wanted to get some sleep. She reluctantly to let me go at first but give up after I paster her to let me go home. I know that it is very difficult to meet JiaXin in future but sorry, blame me that I don't know how to balance my church activities and my social life well. JiaXin complaint to me some time ago that I seem very busy with church activities that I had no time for them anymore. Esther, help me tell JiaXin that I am extremely sorry if I made her feel that way. But I promise you all that once this marriage course is complete and when church activities is back to normal, I will spend time with you guys again to catch up okay?

Will end here for now. Will blog about Sunday's event in a few days time.

Met Alex for the first time

Slack at work again yesterday and surf the net for the whole day. Very boring! Ms.W applied half day leave and rush out at 12.30pm sharp. Had lunch with another colleague of mine and went back to "work" again till 6pm. Cos I was late for work for about 15 minutes so I extend the time for knock off.

Met Alex at Orchard for the first time. It was quite embarrassing cos I was wearing a pink top to work that day and when I SMS him what I am wearing, he said,"Huh? I also wear pink leh :x" Haiyo! So coincidence? Imagine a guy friend and a girl friend wearing the SAME colour top..you know? Give other people a false impression lor. He looks exactly the same in his photos and he said that he has cut and dyed his hair. Oh is it? I didn't really notice so much cos I only notice his eyes. When he smiled, he doesn't look like my ex but when he looks serious, he looks almost like my ex. The way he behave and especially the way he talks, reminds me a lot about someone. Cos that's the way how that someone used to behave around me. Maybe some people could behave the same way but talks the same way? I seldom met people who talks the same way like my ex...this is the first time I met such a person.

Alex is quite a logical person. Talk a lot of logic things to me. He said he is planning to migrate to Japan cos he feels that there's more freedom there to do what he likes - Speeding+Drifting. He said if he ever migrate, he'll not choose Tokyo cos he said it's quite a complicated place. Had dinner with him and he's quite a fast eater. More faster than me. I think he took less than 5 minutes to finish that whole plate of Lasi Briyani. Humph! If not for my God-brother who trained me to eat slow, I would have eaten my meals at that speed of timing too. Nowadays the most fastest I could finish my meal is 11-15 minutes. Used to finish a meal at 5 minutes at first then "upgrade"to finish within 3 minutes. My most fastest record of finish a meal last time was 2 minutes and 45 secs. I think during that time I had shock my God-brother that I ate my meals so fast and he "trained"me to eat slow. It is considered a good influence lah..cos he said that it's not good for me to finish my food at an extremely fast timing(You should know which Kor you are lah hor?)

After that we walk around Far East Plaza and he ask for my option on choosing gifts for his female friends. In the end, he choose earrings for them but different designs. He apologised that he has to leave early cos he is meeting a friend. He makes me laugh a lot by his logical nonsense. We then sat at Starbucks and ordered our drinks. He complaint that Starbucks coffee are too sweet and preferred coffee bean's coffee which taste much smoother. Talk about a lot of things and our topic then drift to marriage. He is a person who doesn't believe in marriage and the "Ideal" marriage of his, I feel that it is what Pastor shared the other day about "Married Singles". He prefer to have his own freedom even after marriage and wants his future wife(if he ever had one)to have her own freedom to do her things too. Like going clubbing and stuff. While I totally disagree with him about such things and told him that I feel if I were to get married(which is impossible), I would like my partner and I to have a compromise. I don't want to live in a married singles life. I could and most likely would give up the things I love to do for the sake of making my partner happy and if by giving up, would make my future marriage a more happier one, why not? Like example, if my future partner wanted me to give up drinking if he feels that it is affecting my health or whatever the reason, I would accept and try my very best to give up for his sake(it usually works that way for me..cos my friends said I tend to listen more to the opposite sex aka my boyfriend)

We then end the conversations and he left to meet his friend and I went to somewhere else for awhile before going home at the wee hours of the morning. Almost got into a fight with a girl there but then the friend of hers interrupt in and scold me. KNS! It's her fault mah! That stupid &^%^&! Anyway I am out-numbered and my condition is not very stable at that time so most likely I will lose if I quarrel with them further. First time got into "worst" state then before(this part I had shared with some of my friends what happened so..you all know what I mean by "worst" state hor?) Saw one of my primary school mate there but didn't really talk to him. He's a waiter there and he still looks the same. Except that he has change his christian name. Saw him in Primary school but didn't talk to him at all. So I was very surprise that he could recognise me although he said he don't remember my name. Since when am I so popular in Primary School huh?

I'll end here for now..will blog about Saturday event and maybe Sunday's event tomorrow.

Hee! Hanging out with Esther!

On Sunday, Samuel called me in the morning to ask where am I? I then told him that I will rush down to service later and he hang up the phone. Strange..calling me for the first time. On the way to Expo, I met WeiJing in the train and I followed him to Expo. Wah! He walks very fast! I had to run in order to catch up with him! Now then I know that I am really walking very slow.

When I reach church, HuiYi saw me and said,"Oh! Finally!"and smiles. I was panting and couldn't really greet and smile at her. When the service was about to start, HuiYi then swap place with a guy and I was very happy that she sat beside me! Yeh! The message for the day was quite "special" to me. There is one part, where pastor said,"Have you ever seen some people or have you ever met people, they always seems to give you this kinda look?" He then showed us a "stone" look. I was thinking,"Hey! That's me man!" HuiYi then signal to me that I behave like that most of the time. I then smiled and point to myself. Oh! I didn't know that I am actually an emotional shut-down person. Cos that is how an emotional shut-down person will behave. Now then I know.

After service, I then followed HuiYi and the rest for fellowship. We went to Expo hall and tried some of the food there. Samuel, HuiYi and the rest bought Bee Hoon to eat while I ate Beef rice. Very tasty! The rest of them left first and I send HuiYi to the MRT station. HuiYi bid me good bye by giving me a sisterly-hug, which made me very touched. I then wait for Esther along the staircase.

When she came, I showed her the mp3 that I bought some time ago and she said that it was very nice. We went to Expo hall to walk around and tried a lot of milk samples there. Some were very tasty while the rest are tasteless. We walk past a store which sells coffee. Esther and I bought a flavour each and tried. Her cappuccino was tasteless. I prefer the coffee that I ordered. As it was raining very heavily outside, the coffee and cappuccino seems to warm us up.

Went to Tampines to shop around. Finally bought a cross necklace that I like! Esther chose it for me. We then went to a food court to have our dinner. I ordered desserts while Esther ate mix vegetable rice. I ordered a drink for her and she complain that the barley was tasteless. Taste like plain water!

After that we went to Harbour front and I went to visit Ya Cin. Before that, I request Esther to take a longer route to the shop because I wanted to avoid someone there. We are no longer friends after an incident and I don't wish to see her. Let alone talk to her! Ya Cin was very surprise to see us and a new part time staff was there. She is very friendly and chatty. She even treat us pizza to eat! I regret that I never buy the nail art at tampines just now but then again, if I had bought it, it will cost me $5.

We then went home after that. Really had a wonderful day hanging out with Esther! :D

New haircut + new mp3 player

On Friday after work, I went for a haircut near my place. I told the person that I wanted to trim my hair and change a new hairstyle cos some people keep asking me to cut my hair. The hair dresser then ask me whether I wanted to do rebonding and to color my hair? I said no cos the haircut already cost me $16 and I know very well that rebonding and hair-coloring is quite expensive!

After the haircut, I was not very satisfied with it! Ahhhh! My hair! *cry* I don't like the way I look now. When I reach home, when my parents saw me, both of them laugh and my Mum comment that I look more younger with my new hair cut. *cry* I told her that the new haircut look very "aunti" lor! She said I am not suitable for long hair as I look older than my age with long hair, and since I do not know what to do to maintain my long hair, it is better for me to cut it short.

*Cry* Still not happy leh! Around the evening, I went to meet my insurance agent and he tell me the new policy that I plan to take it up. Hmmm..don't know if I can be able to afford? After that I went to my old workplace to visit Ya Cin and she said I look better with long hair and the hair-dresser cut too short. She also said that I become much more fairer than when I was working there. Is it? I comment that maybe it's the whitening cream that she gave it to me the other time. I am still using it now and then.

Later at night I went to Boon Lay to meet the seller for the mp3 player that I order though the internet. Yeh! Have new mp3 player le! Although the earpiece is abit faulty but I think overall it is still okay. When I reach home, my Dad snatch the mp3 away from me to listen. I was very angry that NO ONE teach me how to use and yet he just snatch away like that and to listen on his own! Hello?! Who is the one who bought the mp3 huh?! He refuse it to give me back until I throw tantrums till my brother came to break us up. I know I am being impatient and hot-tempered lah, but hey! I wanted to explore it on my own okay?! So selfish and don't wanna teach me how to use and now you snatch it away from me to listen on your own!!! KNS!!!!

My brother then patiently teach me how to use the mp3 and how to explore the whole thing. Hmm...I am very sad that in this family, only my brother cares more for me! My parents don't seems to understand me and even accuse me at times! I really hate it! Bro told me the other time that maybe there are things in the past that has happen that made me such a person. That I have difficulity expressing myself in a nice manner. He wants me to forgive me parents but how could I when I have been treated unfairly!? I guess I am emotionally shut-down too.

Cry to sleep again at night and don't understand a lot of things. Why is only my brother being understanding and not my parents!? Feel so sad! I don't really understand especially since I am not so close to my brother and used to only share things with my Mum. Yet, my Mum doesn't seems to understand me more than my brother does! By the way, my brother and I seldom communicate okay? So it should be the other way round! My brother can't be much more understanding than my Mum! So disappointed and sad!

I think I have to end here. No mood to continue anymore. So disappointed that it is often the people who are CLOSEST TO ME, HURTS ME THE MOST! So now you guys know why I do not trust and no longer can open my problems so easily anymore face-to-face?

Cell group meeting + Brother Khai's encouragement

This morning when I woke up, when I open my wardrobe, I was very surprise to find that there are NO long sleeve shirt for me to wear to work! Oh no! Cos the company I work for, their dress code is long sleeve with collar. I then randomly pick a blouse with collar to work(Actually this is not allowed in the dress code!). After that I wore a super slim high heel shoes to work, which honestly, I am not comfortable with the heels cos it is super slim that I am afraid if I walk to roughly, the heels will break very easily. The shoes is blessed by HuiYi(Thanks HuiYi!).

When I reach to my workplace, Ms.W was very surprise and she said,"Wah! New image?! Very nice!" I then said,"Not new image lah. My wardrobe doesn't have the normal office attire I need so I wear this lor. Hope that the Managers won't scold me". She said that I doesn't need to follow the dress code so strictly that I must wear long sleeve to work. She said she prefer my dressing for today and it is very nice. Cos normally I wear a white long sleeve shirt with black pants to work. I know it looks very old fashion but I really don't know how to dress up myself(This I really admit).

The shoes made me very uncomfortable. Firstly, I am not used to wearing high heel shoes especially those heels that are super slim type. Secondly, it restricts my walking speed. With that kind of shoes, I can only walk slowly and gracefully. I cannot walk normally or walk too fast with that shoes cos I am afraid that the heels will break.

After work, I then rush to CGM. I met HuiYi first and then YangLing(I think?)suddenly appeared out of nowhere. When she saw me, she said,"Wow! You look very nice! Very sharp! Keep it up! I like your new image!"I was like,"Duh....This is my OFFICE WEAR!"although I did not dress according to the dress code. HuiYi comment that what I wore is really for office wear. YangLing said that if I could wear like that for service and CG, it would be better. I said,"Huh? You want me to dress office wear for the entire week? No way man!" I was sort of "force" to dress like that because of the dress code. If not, I would only be in my usual T-shirt and Jeans.

We have two new friends joining us for the day. The sermon for the day is actually shared before on Sunday's marriage course. But strangely, everything that Bro says, really reflect on me alot. I mean the whole of the entire sermon! After that, when Bro ask us to lift our hands, cause our unforgiveness and past to the Lord. I held back. In my mind, I thought,"No! I won't forgive and I can't!!! No way! Not when this happens! No!"I then glared at Bro and in my mind, my Dad's image suddenly appear. I thought to myself,"No! I won't forgive no matter what! I hate Dad! I hate him!" Bro then lay hands on my head and prayed a short prayer for me but in my heart I cannot forgive. No way man!

After that the CG then roam around freely as we have steamboat at Bro's place. I then went to the balcony to stare at the buildings and sky and thought alot of things in my mind. I then sat on the "stone"and thinking of alot of things - mostly negative. Bro then suddenly appear from nowhere beside me and said,"Oei! Why are you sitting here?" I smiled at him and stood up, saying that I am admiring the scenery(Ya right!). He seems to read my mind and had a heart-to-heart talk with me. I tried to fake a smile to him to pretend everything is alright but I told him that the sermon he talk about today makes me think alot and that I have unforgiveness in my heart. He then smiled and talk to me. He said,"Well, I don't know what exactly is your problem but somehow I know that you have been through it alot"and began to talk to me alot of things.

There is one particular topic, other than today's sermon, is something quite sensitive. He then brought that particular topic up to me and I don't know why, I cried immediately. He then told me alot of things and I disagree with him by shaking my head. He continue to tell me things that I have never heard before..things which no one ever told me. He said,"You are crying now. Which is good! It means God is healing that part of you! God is healing you! You must forgive yourself and the person who hurt you and forget what has happened." He said I cannot change what has happened but I can and have the power to change my present and future. He encourages me alot and said that I am actually a very brave person to have gone through so much and he believes that somewhere out there, there will be a guy who will accepts me for who I am and will love me for who I am and not for my past. Later on he then prayed for me but I am still crying. The more he prayed, the more I cried. But I found some consolation in his words. I was thinking of becoming either a butch or lesbian initially but now I am not so sure after his words. I think if Bro were to know I am thinking that way, he'll "kill" me. Or worst, sending me for counselling!

Later I join the rest for the steamboat and eat quite alot. Oh no! Hmm..had a very great time fellow shipping with the rest. After that Ming Ze send a few of us back. My mind is still thinking of what Bro had said to me earlier.

I'll end here for now. Will blog again some time!

Cry

Woke up quite late and HuiYi call to ask why am I not at expo hall again? Haiz..I then shower and quickly get change to rush to service. On the way there, I saw a guy I had my eyes on. His behaviour caught my attention. Cos he don't behave "normally" like guys. Especially the way he touch his hair and the way he walks. It's like you-know-what lah huh? I don't wish to say too direct cos it will offend a lot of people. I don't know why, I am especially drawn to 3 types of guys in my life.

1)The "soft" type of guy(Go figure it out what I mean by this..if don't know then come and ask me)

2)The Ah Beng type with Gentlemanly behaviour

3)The Sentimental type(This type of guy is very hard to find and very rare in the whole universe. Girls, if you yourself manage to find such a guy,treasure him and love him with all your heart and soul)

I then called one of the members and he was surprise that I came for Sunday service. Why leh? Don't want to see me then say lah(Joking joking). HuiYi then swop place with JingXian to sit beside me. Yeh! Finally get to sit with her le! Yeh!(Siao!). She then tease me asking who I wanted to sit with and I joke to them saying I want sit with Samuel :P He then show me -_-" sign on his face. But seriously speaking, he has grown much more handsome than before. Although I always tease him that he is very handsome but I speak from my heart. Just that I said it jokingly so that he will not feel offended or what. Hmm..he has become much more gentlemen lah..I could say. The other day, WeiJing(I always mix WeiJing and JingXian's names up)ask me,"Compare to Samuel, who is more handsome?" I said I have no comments. Actually I wanted to say that if WeiJing style his hair to the style that JingXian style for him, he will look very handsome(Serious!) but I just keep my mouth shut and said,"Errr...no comments" WeiJing then seems unhappy and said,"Okay lor..I know le..ZhiZhi more handsome right?"and he nod his head and smile.

A few minutes before the service starts, HuiYi ask why am I so quiet? Hmm? I thought I am always very quiet? I then shake my head and said nothing. When I browse through the paper, I had a feeling that God is going to answer my question to him the other day again.

During the service, The pastor touch me by his words and I weep uncontrollably. But unfortunately, he also made me recall some of the memories that I really wish to forget. I had "buried" these memories at the back of my head and don't wish to think about it. But it re-surface again when Pastor speak about sexual abuse. He also speaks about two type of reaction a woman often react when she is sexually abuse.

1)She will avoid intimacy altogether even she is married to her husband

2)She will become very flirtatious but doesn't give her heart to any men cos she simply can't trust

Sadly, guess which category I fall into? Hmm..I am the 2nd type of women. I know maybe a few of you will say,"Oh no!" or "Huh?!". Even up till now after the whole service, I still couldn't bring myself to trust guys ever again! Cos MOST of them hurt me very deeply in one way or another to the extend that I really cannot bring myself to trust them. Although Pastor also speaks that,"If I don't love, then there will be no heartbreaks. If there are no heartbreaks, then I can save myself from getting hurt"he wants us to break this cycle. Ya...but SHOW ME how could I? Maybe because I am more simple-minded and prefer things to be as simple as possible. So that is why I often get hurt. I prefer the way things are if possible but you know what? Human hearts and minds are very complicated and is ever-changing. You can love someone with all your heart right now but no longer love him or her after certain time. Can anyone tell me why is that the case?

He also speak about how our parents play a very huge role in our lives and how they treat each other, is how we will be treating our spouse next time and the cycle will never break unless you let God to break that cycle. We may hate our parents for treating us in certain ways or treating one of the parent in certain ways but UNKNOWINGLY, we ourselves pick up the fault that we used to discriminate them into ourselves and into our marriage! Hmmm..now I know why am I so violent and hot-tempered..(oops! *Speak in tongues* Must change!!!)

Next week, he is going to talk about how to communicate effectionately to our spouse. It is extremely useful to those who do not know how to express themselves in words and especially actions! Yeh! I am beginning to like this course. Cos it seems to be speaking to my heart :) and about me as a person :(

I think I have to end here for now. Will be blogging next time

Nice

Went to work to surf the net and to check a few case notes. Nothing to do at the office and I slack almost the whole day at work. Have been thinking some problems to myself. Sorry that I really couldn't share it out but I really appreciate the friends around me who cares about me(You guys should know who you are). I am really very sorry to have make all of you worried about me but I think for now, I could on endure and go through the problem myself. Thanks for all of your concern :) Really glad to have friends like you guys.

My mind then drift to some problem that I do not know what to do. I am struggling in many areas of my life too but sorry that I cannot tell. When I reach church, my mind is still forcusing on my problem and Bro.Khai ask me,"Is everything okay with you?" my heart skip a beat at his question but then I realise that he was asking me about why I didn't attend CGM the other day? In my mind, I was somewhat relieve and told him that I don't have money for travelling(My ezlink card amount that time was only suitable to only travel one trip)but by the time I knock off then I realize that my ezlink has no value so I skip CG...no choice. Then Bro said,"Haiyo! Why didn't you tell me?!" Pai seh mah...what he want me to tell him? Saying that,"Hey Bro, sorry leh. I couldn't make it for CG today cos my ezlink card no value?" Cannot be mah! Later he thinks don't know what then how?

Later when the Pastor preach about the sermon for the day, it speaks to my heart and my current circumstances alot. Oh! Now I know what type am I le. He then says something that I consistantly been asking myself almost everytime,"Eh? Where has the money gone to huh? Where did I spend it on huh? Oh no! Forgot leh! Why is my money disappearing faster than I could blink?"He then teach us a practical method to keep track of where our money gone to. Especially for people like me. Cos I spend my money without thinking twice and at the end of the day, I always ask myself,"Where is my money?"But he also says some things that really offends me alot that I feel like shouting at him! Never mind...Torlerate! 忍一时风平浪静! 我要忍! Later comes the Holy Convernent and I pray a little bit before taking it but still I need to see obvious signs! Lord! Show me some obvious signs can? Other than the Holy Convernent? Cos I see it as a coincidence and not a sign of His forgiveness. I sin against him in a great way so I need to see obvious signs that he forgives my sins other than the convernent. But somehow I had a feeling I am not forgiven cos I sin against him delibrately. That tempation really can kill me!(Please! Don't ask me what tempation is it okay!?)

After that we went for fellowship and I ask Bro can I not fellowship? He gave me a stern look and said,"No!"and bless me to go for fellowship. HuiYi then said,"See? Bro is very nice de. He's willing to help. Just that you need to go to him and speak up!" Liew! Pai seh mah! This kinda thing! But I told him I owe him one. Consider a good debt bah? Pastor preach about bad debt and good debt and the difference between the both debts. Since I can repay him after I got my pay then is it consider a good debt? Pastor also preach about credit cards and I am really very relieve that I don't own any. Luckily I only have debit card so I can use like credit card just that it deducts from my account and it won't process if the funds in my account runs low.

Later I walk with HuiYi and speak to her about my problems. She indeed know me inside out! She said she don't want me to repeat a particular pattern of my sin over and over again. Cos she knows what I will do and how I will feel if that thing ever happens again. She told me not to be so naive and to think it carefully. She wants me to be accountable everything that I had done to Bro.Khai!!! Ahhhh! No way! At least..not EVERYTHING please? She said that it is to teach me to be more responsible to my own actions and to be accountable in everything I do. Haiz...why like that?

Later Joan then comment that I look very pale and that I have slim down alot from my face! I told her that my weight remains the same and I am very tired of the slimming pills. She was surprise and said,"You are on pills? Then I think you better don't take it. Yes, you indeed slim down alot from your face but at the same time it makes you look very dull and sickly. You really look very pale!" I then give her this sign (-_-")and comment that it could be that she didn't see me for very long time so maybe that's why she feels that I have slim down. I ask HuiYi do I look like I have slim down and she said,"No". If I were to really slim down alot be it on my face or whatever or that I look very pale, how come during the afternoon when I bump into W117, none of them comment that to me? They seen me much more less often than Joan! Don't know lah..I don't care. But Lorraine and Bro never comment anything mah. If I look really pale, Lorraine and Bro should have been the first person to comment that to me but so far they didn't say anything. I think she must have been imagining things.

I have to end here for now..my eyes are getting very heavy. Will blog again next time