This morning when I woke up, when I open my wardrobe, I was very surprise to find that there are NO long sleeve shirt for me to wear to work! Oh no! Cos the company I work for, their dress code is long sleeve with collar. I then randomly pick a blouse with collar to work(Actually this is not allowed in the dress code!). After that I wore a super slim high heel shoes to work, which honestly, I am not comfortable with the heels cos it is super slim that I am afraid if I walk to roughly, the heels will break very easily. The shoes is blessed by HuiYi(Thanks HuiYi!).
When I reach to my workplace, Ms.W was very surprise and she said,"Wah! New image?! Very nice!" I then said,"Not new image lah. My wardrobe doesn't have the normal office attire I need so I wear this lor. Hope that the Managers won't scold me". She said that I doesn't need to follow the dress code so strictly that I must wear long sleeve to work. She said she prefer my dressing for today and it is very nice. Cos normally I wear a white long sleeve shirt with black pants to work. I know it looks very old fashion but I really don't know how to dress up myself(This I really admit).
The shoes made me very uncomfortable. Firstly, I am not used to wearing high heel shoes especially those heels that are super slim type. Secondly, it restricts my walking speed. With that kind of shoes, I can only walk slowly and gracefully. I cannot walk normally or walk too fast with that shoes cos I am afraid that the heels will break.
After work, I then rush to CGM. I met HuiYi first and then YangLing(I think?)suddenly appeared out of nowhere. When she saw me, she said,"Wow! You look very nice! Very sharp! Keep it up! I like your new image!"I was like,"Duh....This is my OFFICE WEAR!"although I did not dress according to the dress code. HuiYi comment that what I wore is really for office wear. YangLing said that if I could wear like that for service and CG, it would be better. I said,"Huh? You want me to dress office wear for the entire week? No way man!" I was sort of "force" to dress like that because of the dress code. If not, I would only be in my usual T-shirt and Jeans.
We have two new friends joining us for the day. The sermon for the day is actually shared before on Sunday's marriage course. But strangely, everything that Bro says, really reflect on me alot. I mean the whole of the entire sermon! After that, when Bro ask us to lift our hands, cause our unforgiveness and past to the Lord. I held back. In my mind, I thought,"No! I won't forgive and I can't!!! No way! Not when this happens! No!"I then glared at Bro and in my mind, my Dad's image suddenly appear. I thought to myself,"No! I won't forgive no matter what! I hate Dad! I hate him!" Bro then lay hands on my head and prayed a short prayer for me but in my heart I cannot forgive. No way man!
After that the CG then roam around freely as we have steamboat at Bro's place. I then went to the balcony to stare at the buildings and sky and thought alot of things in my mind. I then sat on the "stone"and thinking of alot of things - mostly negative. Bro then suddenly appear from nowhere beside me and said,"Oei! Why are you sitting here?" I smiled at him and stood up, saying that I am admiring the scenery(Ya right!). He seems to read my mind and had a heart-to-heart talk with me. I tried to fake a smile to him to pretend everything is alright but I told him that the sermon he talk about today makes me think alot and that I have unforgiveness in my heart. He then smiled and talk to me. He said,"Well, I don't know what exactly is your problem but somehow I know that you have been through it alot"and began to talk to me alot of things.
There is one particular topic, other than today's sermon, is something quite sensitive. He then brought that particular topic up to me and I don't know why, I cried immediately. He then told me alot of things and I disagree with him by shaking my head. He continue to tell me things that I have never heard before..things which no one ever told me. He said,"You are crying now. Which is good! It means God is healing that part of you! God is healing you! You must forgive yourself and the person who hurt you and forget what has happened." He said I cannot change what has happened but I can and have the power to change my present and future. He encourages me alot and said that I am actually a very brave person to have gone through so much and he believes that somewhere out there, there will be a guy who will accepts me for who I am and will love me for who I am and not for my past. Later on he then prayed for me but I am still crying. The more he prayed, the more I cried. But I found some consolation in his words. I was thinking of becoming either a butch or lesbian initially but now I am not so sure after his words. I think if Bro were to know I am thinking that way, he'll "kill" me. Or worst, sending me for counselling!
Later I join the rest for the steamboat and eat quite alot. Oh no! Hmm..had a very great time fellow shipping with the rest. After that Ming Ze send a few of us back. My mind is still thinking of what Bro had said to me earlier.
I'll end here for now. Will blog again some time!
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