Cry

Woke up quite late and HuiYi call to ask why am I not at expo hall again? Haiz..I then shower and quickly get change to rush to service. On the way there, I saw a guy I had my eyes on. His behaviour caught my attention. Cos he don't behave "normally" like guys. Especially the way he touch his hair and the way he walks. It's like you-know-what lah huh? I don't wish to say too direct cos it will offend a lot of people. I don't know why, I am especially drawn to 3 types of guys in my life.

1)The "soft" type of guy(Go figure it out what I mean by this..if don't know then come and ask me)

2)The Ah Beng type with Gentlemanly behaviour

3)The Sentimental type(This type of guy is very hard to find and very rare in the whole universe. Girls, if you yourself manage to find such a guy,treasure him and love him with all your heart and soul)

I then called one of the members and he was surprise that I came for Sunday service. Why leh? Don't want to see me then say lah(Joking joking). HuiYi then swop place with JingXian to sit beside me. Yeh! Finally get to sit with her le! Yeh!(Siao!). She then tease me asking who I wanted to sit with and I joke to them saying I want sit with Samuel :P He then show me -_-" sign on his face. But seriously speaking, he has grown much more handsome than before. Although I always tease him that he is very handsome but I speak from my heart. Just that I said it jokingly so that he will not feel offended or what. Hmm..he has become much more gentlemen lah..I could say. The other day, WeiJing(I always mix WeiJing and JingXian's names up)ask me,"Compare to Samuel, who is more handsome?" I said I have no comments. Actually I wanted to say that if WeiJing style his hair to the style that JingXian style for him, he will look very handsome(Serious!) but I just keep my mouth shut and said,"Errr...no comments" WeiJing then seems unhappy and said,"Okay lor..I know le..ZhiZhi more handsome right?"and he nod his head and smile.

A few minutes before the service starts, HuiYi ask why am I so quiet? Hmm? I thought I am always very quiet? I then shake my head and said nothing. When I browse through the paper, I had a feeling that God is going to answer my question to him the other day again.

During the service, The pastor touch me by his words and I weep uncontrollably. But unfortunately, he also made me recall some of the memories that I really wish to forget. I had "buried" these memories at the back of my head and don't wish to think about it. But it re-surface again when Pastor speak about sexual abuse. He also speaks about two type of reaction a woman often react when she is sexually abuse.

1)She will avoid intimacy altogether even she is married to her husband

2)She will become very flirtatious but doesn't give her heart to any men cos she simply can't trust

Sadly, guess which category I fall into? Hmm..I am the 2nd type of women. I know maybe a few of you will say,"Oh no!" or "Huh?!". Even up till now after the whole service, I still couldn't bring myself to trust guys ever again! Cos MOST of them hurt me very deeply in one way or another to the extend that I really cannot bring myself to trust them. Although Pastor also speaks that,"If I don't love, then there will be no heartbreaks. If there are no heartbreaks, then I can save myself from getting hurt"he wants us to break this cycle. Ya...but SHOW ME how could I? Maybe because I am more simple-minded and prefer things to be as simple as possible. So that is why I often get hurt. I prefer the way things are if possible but you know what? Human hearts and minds are very complicated and is ever-changing. You can love someone with all your heart right now but no longer love him or her after certain time. Can anyone tell me why is that the case?

He also speak about how our parents play a very huge role in our lives and how they treat each other, is how we will be treating our spouse next time and the cycle will never break unless you let God to break that cycle. We may hate our parents for treating us in certain ways or treating one of the parent in certain ways but UNKNOWINGLY, we ourselves pick up the fault that we used to discriminate them into ourselves and into our marriage! Hmmm..now I know why am I so violent and hot-tempered..(oops! *Speak in tongues* Must change!!!)

Next week, he is going to talk about how to communicate effectionately to our spouse. It is extremely useful to those who do not know how to express themselves in words and especially actions! Yeh! I am beginning to like this course. Cos it seems to be speaking to my heart :) and about me as a person :(

I think I have to end here for now. Will be blogging next time