Cell group meeting + Service

Work on Friday was quite stress. I have to stay back to correct some figures for the July upcoming stock take. Haiz....Went to CGM quite late and joined my CGMs quickly. The message for the day was "Putting God first". Sister Lorraine shared that anything can be your God! Be it your career, your school even your friends can be your God! Anything that controls or dominates your life are your God! She shared that we have to be careful in WHO we are calling "God".

During the worship, I saw BaoBei coming in late, in his army uniform. I was very happy to see him. After CGM, Lorraine then talk to me about my work. I then shared with her about my fear of why I chose not to tell her. She was like,"Huh?!" she then ask the CGMs if she has ever condemn any of the members before? All of them said no. She said if I feel that my current job is really not suitable for me then there's no need to force myself to like my work. The CG even wrote a card for me. Thanks for the encouragement!

Went for service today and the Pastor preaching was very fast! We were struggling to write down what he says. Wah! Pastor! Can slow down?! Most of us cannot catch what he says. As in, we can't write down as fast as he preach. Wow! Saw the Emerge service before that, most of it which I did not attend as it was at night sessions. But night sessions are more exciting than morning ones.

Went to Jon's place to fellowship after that. Her house is big! A two storey Terrance. Her house has two dogs but one of it is her friend's. Her friend is trying to mate the male dog with her female dog but..she claims that the male dog already has a girlfriend just beside her house! Haha! So funny! No wonder when the female dog approach the male dog, the dog quickly retreat. When we pass by the next house, I saw a dog peering through Jon's house and bark fiercely. It's the male dog's girlfriend! A golden retriever(I heard?). Have pizzas at Jon's place and Katherine was practising her piano skills on Jon's piano. She only played bits by bits. Jaslyn then shared with me that a friend of hers just quit her cafe job. The boss wasn't nice at all. Her friend is more to admin so that is why cafe jobs she don't know how to do. While I am more to hands-on. So Admin job is definately a no-no for me. I then said that her friend and I should swop our jobs! Haha!

BaoBei then bring me to a place to eat Beef noodles. Not bad...NO MSG on the soup too! The meat was tender and nice. But the price is quite....erm..I don't know how to say. It's $5 for the small bowl and $5.50 for a medium bowl. Argue with BaoBei a little bit on the things he do. Did not quarrel further when we went home cos I don't wish to say anything anymore. He was upset that the people around us are trying to separate us and bring harm to our relationship than bringing happiness to our relationship. Somehow, I find myself getting irritate with the things he do, even the slightest mistake he does can set me getting annoyed. He then ask,"Do you find me irritating? Are you getting tired of me?" to which I did not reply. He said that if it is not for SOMEBODY's mouth, we would have been much happier than now. I said,"Really? I don't think so". We then gone quiet for the rest of the night. Sometimes, somethings, hurting me once and breaking my trust once is already enough for me to build walls between me and that person.

I don't know how can I trust in him anymore. I know building trust takes time. Can somebody(preferably a person who is STILL in a relationship even after the other party breaks the trust), tell me how can I learn to trust my partner all over again after the trust has been broken?

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Blogging + Second Life + Relationship = Why do I keep missing out things?

Katherine and WenTing called me the other day to talk about my blog. I suddenly realize more and more people are reading my blog. Including people whom I do not know, like "Angel sent by God". Katherine said that most people who blog, only blog on the surface or general information of their lives. She said I am different. I will blog about almost anything and everything(even including scolding people on blog). She said this makes my blog stood out from the rest of the blogger in the blogging world. Hmm...In natural I am a very straight-forward person. But in real life, I am struggling to share my problems face to face. I prefer writing or blogging to vent whatever problems I have, even though I do not know WHO really reads my blog?

Log into Second Life(game) recently. I then saw my "God-mother" online and IM her. She was so excited when she sees me online, that she IM back the wrong person, whose nick also starts with "J". That person thinks she's crazy. Oh no! Sorry "Mummy". I then follow her to her newly renovated club, which by the way, I heard that the club is created because of me(or my Avatar). Initially there's a dress code to enter the club and entry to the club is strictly by invitation only. But because I did not online for so long(close to a month), everyone who is close to me in SL, shows concern and my God-mother renovated her pub into a beach resort just for me. When she showed me around the ex-pub-turned-into-beach place, I cried(in Real life). Some of the things she created for me, I don't even remember telling her. Like the sea horse, the fishes, the beach and a swing to watch the stars above the skies. She said she create all these just for me cos I told her before that I like sea horses but don't have the chance to see it in RL(which I don't remember telling her!). She said she sense that I am unhappy nowadays and I am no longer as bubbly and cheerful as before. The part that really made me cry in real life, is not only the things she created, but because she is so sharp that she say out what are the problems I am dealing in my heart and my real life. By the way, she is NOT a christian(or so I guess). She said that whatever problems I face, I can share it with the people in SL. I then told her,"SL life and RL life don't mix! And I don't wish to bring my RL problems into SL" but she told me is okay and that I could share with them if I really have difficulties sharing with RL people in my life. I was very touch by that. She said that in SL, although I can be anyone I like, but somehow I sub-consciously behave in a manner which I can never behave in RL. Through these months that she knew me in SL, she can really see the real inner-side of Juliet through the game. She said somehow or another, this inner Juliet has been hidden from the light of the Real world. She then encourage me to share my problems instead of putting a brave front and handle the problem alone in despair and silence. For a while, I cried because I thought of my CGMs, HuiYi, my friends who stick with me for so long and my BaoBei. I really appreciate and Thank you for the encouragement card that you wrote(whoever you are in CG) and Thanks Lorraine..for the words that you told me.

I then discuss with BaoBei the problems that we are facing in our relationship. Whether he really wants to quit?(if you know what I mean) He was silent for awhile before replying,"No, that is not what I really want and I don't want that to happen in our relationship. I just want your forgiveness and trust". HuiYi was super worried over this, that she ask me to call her to pray over it.

Went to a place(in SL game) and in that place, there was a table with Tarot cards on it. I then went to click on the big stack of cards and then open the small ones, one by one. The result is very negative but 90% accurate. The first two cards says that I am struggling with jobs in my life and I just lose a job(100% accurate!) the third card says that I will have a downfall and struggling with finance in my life(100% accurate!). The fourth card says that I will have troubles in my relationship and I may face separation with a loved one(90% accurate!) the last and final card says that all my troubles and woes will finally come to an end eventually(depends). I was shock! "Mummy" then says that at least the last card is a good one. Mummy then also play the Tarot cards followed by dnickb. Mummy's card is all about her job, she'll get a promotion and her career advanced, plus a love life is coming towards her way(she's single). She was quite happy. Nick's card is about friendship and work. He may lose a friendship with someone in life while work, he will also get career advancement. Haiz...why only my cards are the lousiest?!

I keep on wondering why am I keep missing out things? Like friend's birthday, friend's wedding day etc. Haiz....headache. I really wish I could finally keep up with those important dates. I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Work + Conference Prayer

Went to work yesterday morning and did all the work Boss told me to do. Derek(I finally remember his name) claims that Boss is usually very nasty and he has a very foul temper. He did warn me to be careful around Boss before. I then dismantle the fax machine thing and Boss got really very angry at me(I can tell) but somehow he manage to hold his anger. He then ask me to buy a fax paper roll, which I did search the whole harbour front and vivocity for it but I can't seems to find the right size(and price) for it.

Went home empty handed and upset at night. Jaslyn then SMS us to pray at 11pm. I really don't have the mood to pray and was very disappointed and upset with myself. Chat with BaoBei over the phone before the prayer and I apologise to him for an incident on Saturday. I don't know why but I cried after I finally manage to say,"Sorry BaoBei" to him. HuiYi told me not to harbour anger for a long periods of time. Anything that upsets me, it's best to settle on that day itself and not keep on dragging. She says it's bad for the relationship. BaoBei finally told me why he stood up and left that day. He didn't attend the marriage course so he did not know what it means. I didn't tell him too. Guys, or girls, if you ever quarrel with your partner, don't ever leave in the midst of the argument. If you do, indirectly, you are telling your partner,"I am abandoning you!" Even though you may not mean it that way.

The CGMs comfort me at the end of the prayer session. A few of them even suggest to lookout a F&B job for me. Thanks girls! I had told BaoBei, if we ever get married, I would stay at home to do housework and not going out to work anymore. He was very happy when he hear that. I felt that the marketplace is really not for me.

I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Cell Group Meeting + Lack of Trust(and maybe love?)

Went to work yesterday but made my boss angry. Cos I don't know what is PDA form. In ITE, I never get to learn about PDA so it's something new to me. He ask me to locate a D/O for him but I couldn't locate it no matter what. He then got very angry at me and ask me to fold boxes for the rest of the day.

Went for CGM and I was late cos I board a bus there 30e to Bedok instead of MRT. BaoBei open the gate for me and Lorraine was teasing him for it. She shared a lot of things that what she learn in her Bible school. Sounds interesting! But I guess it is something that I could not achieve unless I have deeper understanding with the Bible and HS. The other day in msn, Lorraine give me a verse and ask me to go and read. After I read it, I was like,"Okay..." but then when I read further on(which is AFTER the verses that she told me to read), I felt mixture of anger and ashamed. I forgot where is the verse but it says something about Parents and obedience etc. I feel that it is trying to tell me something about my relationship with my Mum. Which until now, we haven't even spoke a word to each other.

Watch movie with Katherine and the rest of the CGMs. Saw a cute new girl among us and I get to learnt that her name was Li Ting. Katherine and Li Ting both look alike in some ways, like sisters! To the CGMs: Sorry for being an annoyance for walking about during the movie. Pray for BaoBei for his stomach(but he says he is pain in his intestine?!) and then we went home. Bidding goodbye to the CGMs. Before I left, Lorraine talk to me a bit on my mentally towards my new workplace. Okay, I will try to learn as much as I can. I will see how things goes. Disappointed that BaoBei didn't went home with me cos he keep complaining of the pain. My Mum cook the dishes for both of us but yet he can't go home with me. I let him go anyway and board bus 14 with HuiYi.

During the bus journey, HuiYi said she notice that BaoBei and I are no longer as loving as before. She said when she saw BaoBei hold my hand, I "responded" half-heartily. She also feels sad for us that we sit far apart from each each. She ask it is because of the incident that made me this way? She also ask do I still love BaoBei? I thought for awhile and replied that I still love him, but I can no longer trust him. She then said,"How can you said you love a person but yet you don't trust him?" I don't know how to explain to her. I had mix feelings on this too. She also said that she don't understand why I agree to go and meet his ex in the first place?(which in the end we never met up) She said the girl could pose as a challenge to me or she may be trying to get BaoBei back. I don't think so. Cos I heard that she's married with a child. One of the reason why I don't really want to meet her is because of my looks and the other reason is my low self-esteem. She's prettier than me and she knows how to dress herself. HuiYi once told me before that most of BaoBei's ex's are very pretty and fashionable. Ya lah! I know lah! Not like me right? - Auntie.

Later on, HuiYi prayed for me for my relationship with my Mum. She also prayed for the relationship for me with BaoBei will be restored. Reach home and sleep after that. I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

I want to quit!!! Help!!!

My mood is quite unbalance these days. I really regret going for the office interview and now working in my present company. I finally learn what does "Peace of God" really means. When Lorraine brief the CG sometime ago, she said,"Don't quit a job that you THINK that it's the peace of God that made you quit, when in reality, it's your FLESH feels "peace" and not the peace of God! Amen?"(Or something like that?) Now I finally know what does she mean and I truly regret it but couldn't do anything about it. Jaslyn called me during my work and I spoke to her a bit. Complain to her in the end but still she says at the end of the day, if I really want to quit, I have to tell Boss myself. Wendy was being sarcastic when she learnt that I am not doing well in my current job. Ya lah! Ya lah! Laugh lah! Only HuiYi and BaoBei knows my real reason why I leave my previous company. Anyway, I don't see any prospect to continue with that job.

I then ask my Dad can I go for new course by NTUC? The course fees is $3000 - $5000 but 80% will be subsides if I really have financial difficulties. The main thing is I HAVE to pass the course, or I will have to pay the full price if I fail(at least I heard?) Since office job is really not suitable for me, then my ITE certificate is considered invalid to me. I want to get a different cert, like F&B services cert, which I feel that is the only job which I can really excel well. Okay, maybe not as good and perfect as you imagine but at least I can handle the job scope well. Aidah, my ITE classmate, said that if I really feel that office is not for me, maybe I can try customer service job and it's good if I were to upgrade myself. I used to think that I can handle admin job but now in reality, I realize that I can't. Customer Service, especially in F&B industry, I feel that I can do well cos the things are all very basic(and no need to use mind power). The bad side is that the pay will be lower than office job but at least it's something that I know how to do and I can do. But of course this time, I have to choose the F&B job carefully since I plan to work as my career. But then it will be a 6 day week instead of 5 days. So I will try to look for one that I can get Saturdays off.

BaoBei ask me to stay on in my current job until the 3 months probation is up. Haha! I don't know whether I can still survive in this company then? One thing I learnt, if your physical(even mental) self dreads going to work everyday, that job may not be suitable for you. I know some people still continue to go to work in that state cos of the money and for survival so they had no choice. I feel sad for them. Cos work is what makes you wake up every morning(or evenings, for night shift workers) to be happy and look forward to go to work everyday. Not like my current state!

Listen to FM93.3 at night yesterday and a girl called in to delicate a song for her male-friend. She mentions that she has a lot of projects to do at school. It finally hit me why I hate to study. Cos I am alone in school so if I do not know how to do projects, I will fail the subject. In ITE, there is one particular subject that requires group work and I was alone while the rest of my classmates have their own project group. My teacher was annoyed and she said,"This project you cannot do alone! You must have teamwork in order to complete it! I don't care! You better go and find yourself a group partner!" In the end, I joined Aidah's group(That was only THEN I get to know her). Cos her group only consist her and Hairul(our class Ah Qua) she do most of the work while she hands Hairul and me the "easier" work. Of course mine is the easiest compared to Hairul. Only find the image of aeroplanes and photo copy to hand it to her. Which I did at the very very last minute(one day before the submission of our project, which I suppose to have start 2 week ago!) I anyhow grab a book from Queenstown Library, flip through randomly and just photo copy anyhow(Serious!). When I hand it to Aidah the next day, she said,"Wow! Eh! Where you get all these sia?! Very good!" By the grace of God, our project got the most highest mark - A* cos of the aeroplanes pictures which I randomly photo copied plus Aidah's clear description of the project. Our teacher was impress by the group work. At that time, I was thinking,"Like that also can?!" no hard work on my part, but still I thank God for helping my group mates. Cos seriously, I would think we would fail and get a D instead.

Feeling very sad now. I just pray that the Boss can let me go even before the 3 months ends. I really don't wish to stay on...Will end here for now. I will blog again some other time.

Church + BaoBei's BBQ + New workplace

Went to church on Sunday morning. Service was good but then the air-con was too cold! HuiYi's hand felt very cold throughout the time and she keep grabbing my left hand to keep herself warm. Towards to the end of the service, BaoBei told me that WenTing's hand felt very cold(When Pastor ask us to hold our neighbour's hand to pray). I then exchange place with him and tried to hold WenTing's hand but she was praying that time so I don't wish to disturb her. Later when she puts down her hand, I then grab her left hand. WAH! SO COLD!(But not as cold as HuiYi's hand). Tried to rub against her hand to give her warmth. Although I do not know whether that helps.

Went to BaoBei's place to have BBQ with HuiYi and Samuel. We were disappointed that most of the members could not turn up as it was too last minute thing. Quarrel with BaoBei about something which he promised me but didn't keep his word for it! Chee Yuan, Angie(and her bf), Anthea, Katherine and Stephanie came around the evening to join us. Didn't really fellowship with them much. HuiYi and Samuel went swimming but I couldn't join them cos I don't have proper swim wear. Later, HuiYi's hamstring got crump and she had to stop swimming for awhile.

Ate some food that's cook by Katherine and Anthea. Their new idea to use honey to BBQ instead of butter, taste better! Next time if any of you wants to organise BBQ, try using honey instead of butter and see how it taste. Especially on the chickens! Yum! But sadly, quite a lot of left overs. Especially my favourite sting-ray! I only ate two of it. The chickens only left half packet(initially was 2 big packets). BaoBei said that from now on he won't organise anymore BBQ. I guess he was disappointed with the attendance.

Went to my new workplace yesterday morning. My Boss and the rest of the colleagues had to go for the exhibition and I was left alone in the office. I really hate office job. But no choice, maybe I will search for another job at the same time. BaoBei was upset that I am a job-hopper. Maybe to majority, I am. But I can't work in a place where I know I cannot handle the task well. I am expected to do accounts too! Which is my weakest subject in ITE. BaoBei ask me not to give up and learn the things there. I feel that it's complicated. I can only do simple task, without using the mind power. Yes, I am a simpleton but that is the way I am.

My attitude towards BaoBei really changed. Or at least I know myself. I find myself pushing him away whenever he wants to hug me. I don't know is it the lack of trust in BaoBei made me this way? Showed BaoBei a(teared) application form from immigration and he says it's not really important. Cos my Dad ask my Mum to tear away that piece of application form WITHOUT showing it to me first! This made me hate my Mum more. I had lost count of how many days had pass since we have spoken to each other. No, don't pray for my relationship with my Mum. It's over! If I can survive all these stupid years in school without socializing much with my schoolmates, I can do it at home too! Anyway my Mum and me quarrelled more than we could talk. So I find it pointless to even communicate. Either something I said will spark a scolding and being put down at, or it's something she said that will angered me. If there's something called "Dao" in the younger generation now, and if there's a "Daoest" competition, I think I might have won the award.

Oh ya, for those who are still studying now, especially in Primary and Secondary School(although I don't know whether primary school students came across my blog), if you get bullied in school, and you have tell your teacher and they do nothing about it except to tell you,"ignore them and they will stop", Let me tell you, this method DOESN'T WORK! It's even more pointless to complain to the principal cos if your school bully finds out, you're going to get deeper trouble and get more bullies than you can imagine. The BEST way, to deal with them, is to bully them back. PLEASE don't seek "revenge" by bullying kids who are younger than you. Ask yourself, who is the one who provoke you to be like that in the 1st place? If that big bully you met in school, is tough than you, taller than you or whatever the crap, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. It will be easier if the bully is in THE SAME CLASS as you. If you prove yourself to be tougher than them, more fiercer than the tiger and dare to strike back at them when they bully you, ONLY then they will stop picking on you! But you MUST stand up for yourself especially if you had told your teacher and they do nothing about it. The result may vary depending HOW you do it. For me I get the BEST result, the bully has stop, but the whole school are afraid of me. I get different nicknames in school(mostly which I am proud of). If you want to know how to completely stop that bully who taunt you in school, you can tag me and I'll teach you the ways. But then the concequences may be fatal. I am saying this cos this thing only surface in the news ONLY NOW?! Where it has happened even during my school years and NO BODY cares?!

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Stupid Wendy! + Lorraine's Prayer + Disappointment and lost total trust with BaoBei = What shall I do?

Yesterday was my last day of work. My Boss was very unhappy cos he will be working alone for the next 2 weeks. That stupid idiot Wendy don't want to come back to work, and still shout at me on the phone! One thing I don't like about her is, she likes to push responsibility and she always like to make it sound like it wasn't her fault at all even though sometimes, some things she does, IS PARTLY HER FAULT! I hate to see her hypocrite attitude everyday at work! She thinks she's the lady boss huh?! Always order me around! She doesn't have any hands is it?! There was one time, a customer enquire me about something that I do not know(cos the order is taken by Wendy and not me!) then when I call her, she SHOUTED at me,"WHAT?!"very loudly IN FRONT OF THE CUSTOMER! KNS!!! OEI! THE ORDER IS NOT TAKEN BY ME OKAY?! %$$%^!!!! STILL HAVE THE CHEEK TO SHOUT AT ME LIKE THAT! Although I am younger than you, it doesn't mean you can push me around! If I want to, I can shout back at you! But I chose not to! There are also some other incidents that made me hate her! Usually when I resign a job, is not really that the pay is not good. But rather, it's because there are certain conflict within that company.

Went for CGM and Lorraine prayed for me the first time but I didn't feel anything. When she prayed for me the 2nd time, I cried. It was the first time that I cried very badly. In my mind, I imagine an image of Jesus, stretching out his right hand and smiled at me. I also don't know why I can cry at that imaginary image. Lorraine announced something that shocked me and somehow, someone's prediction is right. They will not be together for long. When Lorraine announced, I was like,"Huh?! So fast?!". That someone then somehow give a smirk. The guy seems very calm about it. I wonder how is the girl?

BaoBei said my attitude towards him seems to change and he couldn't understand why. He did something to me THE 2ND TIME!!! That made me lost total trust in him. He wants me to forgive him and like..immediately trust him. But how could I?! I then SMS HuiYi and I called her to talk about it. She was shocked. She then suggest that I speak to Lorraine about it, which I did SMS Lorraine in the end.

I do not know what to do now. Lost complete trust over BaoBei. I do not know whether I should still trust him? The trust is broken and I know myself that it can never be meant it back. Why has he change that way? I simply don't understand...Sorry to be discreet about what really happen cos I don't want too many people to know what exactly happen. So...just leave it as it is. So don't ask me what happen. If I want you to know, I will tell you but if not, just don't ask me.

New job + Depression = How?

Stupid Wendy! Purposely apply for 2 weeks leave!!! Then now left me and my supervisor together! I just received a phone call from one of the interviews that I attend, to ask me to start work TOMORROW 8.30am!!! How can I just quit my job like that? Although yes, I am suppose to end my work by the 15th, but my supervisor extend my work until end of the month. How?! God! Help me!

Bought a card for Lorraine. I hope she'll like it...although it's long-winded card(cos I had written all over the card. Till no space to write) I put all my feelings into it but I didn't expect it to be so long. Haiz...

Went for BaoBei's POP yesterday. Help him to wear his jockey. But I feel sad that he's "alone". No one gave him any hugs while I saw the rest hugging their buddies. Went over to BaoBei's place and saw his future-sister-in-law and his brother. WeiDa and Elizabeth came over later and help his sister-in-law to do her nails. Received a call from Lorraine later on and we chat on the phone. Almost cried while talking to her but luckily I manage to control my tears. I also don't know why I cry for. Went home after that.

IC found + Cell Group's encouragement

HuiYi called me yesterday when I was on my way home,"Juliet! Somebody found my wallet le! Accompany me to Boon Lay Police Station!" Cos she lost her wallet, a few months ago. I was thinking,"KNS! Now then say found it back ah!?" Cos she already done her replacement IC and she feels heartache that the $100+ gone like that! Waste money! But then again, her old IC photo is quite old(a child's photograph). Time to change a new one anyway.

When we reach Boon Lay, we took a cab there. The uncle told us that it's "very near". Ya right! "Very near" indeed! Don't know turn how many rounds and we finally reach to the police station. It doesn't look like a police station to us. It's more like a ITE or Polytechnic school, although the sign outside state,"Jurong West Police Division". I was very frustrated and disappointed with the way the police staff there handle things. We stood outside the door that they instruct us to wait there, for don't know how long. I then tell HuiYi,"5 more minutes and no body come, I am going to approach the police! What kind of attitude is this?! Expect us to wait like forever is it?!" Plus, one thing I don't like the police officers there is that, they have the "heck care" attitude. Very slack lor! HuiYi then ask me to cool down. HuiYi and my BaoBei, are those very patient type of person, while I am impatient type.

After about 15 - 20 minutes, a person then came to unlock the door to ask us to take a seat. Wait for another 5 minutes before we were called to their office. The female officer ask HuiYi to check her things. She was lucky, not only did she manage to get her wallet back, but ALL of the contents inside! Including her $150. All left untouched. The officer then ask her to sign and write her address. HuiYi claims that she lost it in a taxi but some kind souls found it at a void deck. She said she could have drop it while she was on her way to ZZ's place.

After that we took a bus to Chinatown. My gastric was quite painful by the time we reach there. Cos the bus journey was extremely long! But I am quite happy cos at least we could chat a lot of things throughout the journey. We then went to a coffee shop to eat before we head home.

On Sunday after service, the CG gave me a card, to encourage me. I wasn't able to receive the card personally cos I went to buy food for BaoBei and the CG had to go for PM so they rush off first and ask BaoBei to give it to me on behalf of them. Thanks Guyz for your encouragement!

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Money makes the world go round + Tired of living = If only I could move out...

Went home yesterday straight after work. In the end, instead of being happy for me that I came home, what I get is nagging and non-stop verbal abuse! Half of me feel like throwing things but I didn't do so in the end. When I lock myself in my room, my Mum bang at my door to ask me to open up. When I didn't. They get a replacement key to open my door and said,"You are not allowed to lock your room door! This is a house! Not a rental! You wanna lock? Then pay up a rental fee!!!" Just because that I said that I will fold the clothes later, this is what I get! Anyway, it's not the first time this has happened. MY OWN ROOM! Yet I don't have the right to even lock my door! From young until now, I cannot lock my room door! Lack of privacy! I really envied Li Ping(Esther Ho should know who is she). She has moved out from her home since her early Teens and live outside somewhere. What she lost: Family ties. But what she gained: Friendship, Guys who drove fast/sports cars. The other time I saw her came to my birthday sitting in a Mitsubishi Evolution drove by a guy and behind that Mitsubishi was another sports car(Modified), which she claims that it was her friend's friend car. The guys who drove the sports cars were so cool! Her life was what I always desired and long to live with. But too bad. I am not as slim and pretty as her. I seldom contact her but I know that she's doing quite well with her life. How I wish my life was like hers...or even better!

I then walk out of my house and close the gate angrily(so you can imagine how it sounds like). My younger brother was staring at me with his eyes wide. I guess he never seen such a reaction from me before. He then shout,"Jie! Where are you going?" when I was walking away from the house. I then walk to a nearby park and walk down. When I came to a big canal, I saw water gashing out and I just sit on a bench, staring at the water flow. Finally, I could cry - alone. In my mind, I drew a picture of a girl inside a prison cell(cos in reality I am a lousy drawer and artist) She's staring out of a small window on top of the prison cell wall, with tears flowing from her eyes. On her left hand, she has multiple cuts on her wrist that she crunch near to her heart. On her right hand was a pocket penknife. This is the kind of drawing I would draw if I am upset or angry. But I do not even know how to draw. So I could only do so in my mind. Most of the drawings I remember drawing in my head are very negative. Mostly are self-inflict hurt.

Recently, I lost interest in most of the things. Even some things that I know I should treasure. BaoBei called yesterday and complain to me about his selfish and irresponsible army mates, instead of consoling him and encourage him, I did the opposite. He was quite upset by my reaction and he said,"You used to give me moral support but nowadays you don't seem to believe in me anymore!" He's also very upset to hear that I am thinking of picking his bad habit(He should know what). I then defy him and said,"Why you can and I cannot?! Since the things that you promise me and you never do it, plus because of this I am constantly being nag by your Mum, what's the use of talking to you?! You heard of something? If you cannot beat them, join them! That is what I am doing now!" He then reveal the Ah Beng side of him which I had never hear before and hang up angrily.

HuiYi called me and then lecture me about my spiritual life. She then said that Lorraine wants to talk to me about this. Some times, I really don't know whether or not to be hateful for that? A few days ago in her SMS, she SMS me and said that she knows that I have a problem but I am not willing to open with her. She find it difficult to talk to me and said that I've close up the door(of my heart)and she cannot enter. I really don't know what does she want to know?

There are times I really think that money can really settle everything(Like just throw a million dollars to my Mum and then walk out of the door. Never to come back again). Those who don't know why I keep buying Toto, now you know. Is because of this! Anything I do, she would never like it! Even the jobs that I work! She would either complain that I am earning less money or that I work so hard for peanuts money. I am really very tired of the things she said! When I suggest taking up two jobs at one go, she quarrelled with me! Cos of the job natural, a lot of people disagree with my choice of workplace. That is the only job I know that could really earn a lot more than what I am earning now. Although it would mean throwing my dignity away. Please don't come and talk to me about this anymore! I am really tired and frustrated! I am really grateful to those who try to find better jobs for me when they overheard that I am resigning soon(like Jaslyn's boyfriend). But then again, jobs are not easy to find with my low qualification nowadays. Don't ask me to study cos I don't have the means to.

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time. Don't ever ask me why I have AP...I can only tell you, I HAD ENOUGH!

Is it true?

You Are An ISFJ

The Nurturer You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal.A good listener, you excel at helping others in practical ways.In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music.You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for. In love, you express your emotions through actions.Taking care of someone is how you love them. And you do it well! At work, you do well in a structured environment. You complete tasks well and on time.You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist. How you see yourself: Competent, dependable, and detail oriented When other people don't get you, they see you as: Boring, dominant, and stuck in a rut

What's" Your Personality Type?

Off day + "Shot-gun" marriage = Slacking the whole day

I didn't went to work today. While I was preparing to shower, my supervisor called me and said that he won't be opening the shop today as he has a flu. So I stayed at home the whole day playing SL, earning credits. Half of me felt that I wasted a day by staying at home. But I also felt good that I can finally accompany my parents at home. Watch television with both of them until my brother came home. He then join in to watch TV together. It has been a long long time since we watch TV as a family. Although it's just a simple TV watching, but somehow I felt warmth in my heart. When I was at home, I cannot take my eyes off the main gate. I watch TV in a moment and gaze at the gate another moment. If that woman come again, she'll get a hell from me! Hai ren jing! Po Huai Jia Ting De Nu Ren! Wo Bu Hui Ching Yi De Fang Guo Ni De! Ni Gei Wo Ji Zhu!

Later in the evening, one of my God-sister called me. SHE HAS MARRIED?! Well, actually it's not that she never inform me about her wedding. It's just that it clashes with church service and I cannot attend. I remembering telling her that I am not free to attend her wedding dinner and she feels disappointed. She's five months pregnant but she said that she's didn't know until she was three months pregnant. While she talks to me, in my head I am thinking,"How come pre-pregnancy is a trend now huh?" Four of my close friends got pregnant before they even got married. Luckily, my God-sister's wedding and Pregnancy was sort-of "planned". I am happy for her that Chris(her boyfriend), had bear the responsibility. She also wants me to turn up when she delivers her baby boy.

Recently I have been reflecting on a lot of things. Called HuiYi in the morning out of the blue and share with her what happened on Sunday after Emerge. She was shock and angry at my ex. Although I feel humiliated by what my ex says, but at least now I know what I am in his eyes. I had talk to BaoBei about this and I was surprise that he's very calm throughout the conversation(This is what I admired BaoBei most). Half of me was expecting him to shout at me or something but that didn't happen(It only proves that He's the YenHao I've known ^_^). He has such a big heart. My ex says that BaoBei and me cannot last long. He says that the most we could only last for a few months. When I told BaoBei this, he said,"The more people says that we cannot be together, the more they look down on us and said it's impossible, we'll show them that we CAN be together for a very long time and prove them wrong!" I really felt like crying at that point of time but I couldn't.

I think I will end here for now. By the way, there's something wrong with my handphone and it cuts off automatically now most of the time. So if you can't get through my handphone, just kindly leave your voice messages and your contact number after the beep tone okay?

TOUCH MY FAMILY AND I'LL KILL YOU!!! + Birthday Present

Finally receive my birthday gift from my CGMs. It's a pinkish(?) lipstick from Silkygirl. Although it's just a simple gift but I like it very much! They even give me a big black translucent pouch that comes together with the lipstick which I now use as my make-up pouch. Lorraine says she wish to see that I will start putting on make up. Celebrated Wenting's Birthday yesterday and she cried! I guess maybe she feels touched by the CGMs.

I did not know that something happen to my family when I was away. I have not been at home for 4 days. My Mum showed me the oil stains near our front gate. THAT BITCH AGAIN!!! Just as I had predicted, I heard that she may be trying to set our flat on fire!!! The first time she came, she put powder into my main gate lock pad. It made us can't open the lock pad with our keys and my father had to change the lock pad. The 2nd time, I had told HuiYi before, that stupid slut put "something" into my side main gate and it was disgusting and gross! I almost vomited! This is the third time! I remember yelling at my Mum,"First she smash powder! Now she put this disgusting thing! Then what's next?! Burning our house down huh?!" My younger brother was the one who found the oil stains. He did not know when was it there but he said it was lucky that the flat had not been set on fire. That bloody bitch! That time I was working and I cannot do anything to you! Don't let me see you one of these days! You dare to set my house on fire or harm my family members, I'll make sure you'll pay for your deeds dearly!!! TOUCH MY FAMILY MEMBERS AND I WANT YOU DEAD!!! Or do you want to have a taste of your OWN MEDICINE?! *Evil grins* Remember to ask your daughter to watch her back when she goes home at night hor! Just don't let me see her! I made you feel what I feel!

Those of you who read this, please don't speak to me the forgive-and-forget thingy. Cos that bitch doesn't deserve any forgiveness! My Mum ask me to ignore that woman and that woman will get her retribution. Sorry to say, I don't believe in retribution and this word doesn't exist in MY dictionary! Lucky this time, she did not set the house on fire. Probably because my brother came out in time.

I think I'll end here for now. Will blog again some other time.