Went home yesterday straight after work. In the end, instead of being happy for me that I came home, what I get is nagging and non-stop verbal abuse! Half of me feel like throwing things but I didn't do so in the end. When I lock myself in my room, my Mum bang at my door to ask me to open up. When I didn't. They get a replacement key to open my door and said,"You are not allowed to lock your room door! This is a house! Not a rental! You wanna lock? Then pay up a rental fee!!!" Just because that I said that I will fold the clothes later, this is what I get! Anyway, it's not the first time this has happened. MY OWN ROOM! Yet I don't have the right to even lock my door! From young until now, I cannot lock my room door! Lack of privacy! I really envied Li Ping(Esther Ho should know who is she). She has moved out from her home since her early Teens and live outside somewhere. What she lost: Family ties. But what she gained: Friendship, Guys who drove fast/sports cars. The other time I saw her came to my birthday sitting in a Mitsubishi Evolution drove by a guy and behind that Mitsubishi was another sports car(Modified), which she claims that it was her friend's friend car. The guys who drove the sports cars were so cool! Her life was what I always desired and long to live with. But too bad. I am not as slim and pretty as her. I seldom contact her but I know that she's doing quite well with her life. How I wish my life was like hers...or even better!
I then walk out of my house and close the gate angrily(so you can imagine how it sounds like). My younger brother was staring at me with his eyes wide. I guess he never seen such a reaction from me before. He then shout,"Jie! Where are you going?" when I was walking away from the house. I then walk to a nearby park and walk down. When I came to a big canal, I saw water gashing out and I just sit on a bench, staring at the water flow. Finally, I could cry - alone. In my mind, I drew a picture of a girl inside a prison cell(cos in reality I am a lousy drawer and artist) She's staring out of a small window on top of the prison cell wall, with tears flowing from her eyes. On her left hand, she has multiple cuts on her wrist that she crunch near to her heart. On her right hand was a pocket penknife. This is the kind of drawing I would draw if I am upset or angry. But I do not even know how to draw. So I could only do so in my mind. Most of the drawings I remember drawing in my head are very negative. Mostly are self-inflict hurt.
Recently, I lost interest in most of the things. Even some things that I know I should treasure. BaoBei called yesterday and complain to me about his selfish and irresponsible army mates, instead of consoling him and encourage him, I did the opposite. He was quite upset by my reaction and he said,"You used to give me moral support but nowadays you don't seem to believe in me anymore!" He's also very upset to hear that I am thinking of picking his bad habit(He should know what). I then defy him and said,"Why you can and I cannot?! Since the things that you promise me and you never do it, plus because of this I am constantly being nag by your Mum, what's the use of talking to you?! You heard of something? If you cannot beat them, join them! That is what I am doing now!" He then reveal the Ah Beng side of him which I had never hear before and hang up angrily.
HuiYi called me and then lecture me about my spiritual life. She then said that Lorraine wants to talk to me about this. Some times, I really don't know whether or not to be hateful for that? A few days ago in her SMS, she SMS me and said that she knows that I have a problem but I am not willing to open with her. She find it difficult to talk to me and said that I've close up the door(of my heart)and she cannot enter. I really don't know what does she want to know?
There are times I really think that money can really settle everything(Like just throw a million dollars to my Mum and then walk out of the door. Never to come back again). Those who don't know why I keep buying Toto, now you know. Is because of this! Anything I do, she would never like it! Even the jobs that I work! She would either complain that I am earning less money or that I work so hard for peanuts money. I am really very tired of the things she said! When I suggest taking up two jobs at one go, she quarrelled with me! Cos of the job natural, a lot of people disagree with my choice of workplace. That is the only job I know that could really earn a lot more than what I am earning now. Although it would mean throwing my dignity away. Please don't come and talk to me about this anymore! I am really tired and frustrated! I am really grateful to those who try to find better jobs for me when they overheard that I am resigning soon(like Jaslyn's boyfriend). But then again, jobs are not easy to find with my low qualification nowadays. Don't ask me to study cos I don't have the means to.
I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time. Don't ever ask me why I have AP...I can only tell you, I HAD ENOUGH!
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