Promises

Words are cheap, Actions are fake
Words that you used to tell me,
are they all lies and plain sweet-talking?
Promises that you promised me,
are they really meant to be broken?

Attention you used to shower on me,
Promises you used to tell me,
do they left forgotten and faded with time?
do they still holds true till today?

You had eyes for another,
while I only had for you.
In your heart, am I your one and only?
Or am I just a substitute of her place?

You said you loved me and no other
but in your heart, was another woman's face
You promised never to lie
but an empty promise is what you gave

Trust broken, doubts sets in
Her smile lingers in your mind,
your heart longs to be with her
your eyes only had for her

I am nothing compared to her
for in your eyes, it's her you see
Cries of mine you can't hear
for in your ears, it's her voice you hear
Seldom that I will speak,
for your lips speaks of was her
No longer you long for my presence
cos in your heart, it's her presence you need

Slowly and quietly, I am leaving you
Pain and sorrows with me I take
A note by the table,
with my goodbyes
Tears flows from my eyes
as my heart broke into pieces

Tons and tons of sleeping pills I take
Sleeping peacefully by the bed
drifting myself into deep sleep
with my last tears flowing from my eyes
with my last breath to breathe
leaving this world, leaving you
to be with the stars above
Watching over both of you in Angelic wings
Giving my blessings to you from above
Just remember me as an ordinary girl
A girl that loved you once
from the bottom of her broken heart...

Poem Created By: Juliet Li
Date: 22 February 2007

Should I trust him???

Went for shopping alone while waiting for Esther to knock off. Before that, I went to Jurong to pass my Time Sheet to my Agent and at the same time, tell him about my alteration about a time slot. He ask me if I wanted to work as a packer in a Japanese snack shop? I said okay but I forgot to ask about the location and the pay. He said he will call me if there's any news. Manage to buy the things I want. While shopping, my mind was imagining things and thinking of BaoBei. The more I thought about it the more unhappy I felt. Why didn't he tell me earlier?! I am angry but I don't know how to express my anger. I HATE GUYS WHO LIED TO ME OR TO HIDE THINGS FROM ME!!! He said that he has forgotten about it. HuiYi tell me not to think too much and anyway, it was his past. BUT I MIND A LOT!!!

I happened to saw his MSN history at his place. Actually I had created that MSN history for him cos initially he doesn't have one. But I don't know how come it can captured his conversations from 2005? He used to have MSN history message and there was one time I saw his conversations between his ex-gf and him. I was jealous but I didn't think too much of it. I then saw his conversations between Stephanie about SOMEONE whom I am familiar with. He never tell me that he liked her before until I asked him about it!!! He said that he wasn't allowed to pursue her cos she was studying that time. He's only allowed to pursue her only after she has completed her studies. Despite his explanation, I am still not happy about it although it was 2 years ago. WHY DIDN'T HE TELL ME IN THE BEGINNING THEN!?

I HATE HIM!!!! I HATE HER!!!!(THE SOMEONE THAT HE LIKES) AND I HATE THAT CHINA GIRL!!!!! I won't fight with them anymore. I LOST! Although I had him but in his heart I AM NOTHING!!!! Lorraine, don't ask me to talk to him. I don't wish to talk. Now I have a feeling that I am just a substitute!

Bought the bag that I was looking for at $30. The initial price was $35 and Esther help me to get a discount. Finally bought myself a packet of sleeping pills. I was surprise that I can get it so easily over-the-counter for a very cheap price!!! I thought that I must see a doctor to get a prescription. The medication shock me cos my current pills is only 4mg - 5mg strong. The person said that it is the lightest and if I wanted a stronger one, I need to see a doctor to get it. The one that I have bought, is 25mg strong!!!

I told Esther that if I can I wish to take all of it at one shot(20 pills)she scold me siao and ask me not to talk rot during CNY(Lorraine will say,"Don't Ra-ra can?") I wonder 20 pills of sleeping pills plus 10 pills of Panadol will lead to what? That is only my thinking. I don't think I dare to try that.

My eyes hurts after crying. WHY CRY FOR HIM!? Since he initially wanted to pursue CLY then I won't say anything anymore!!! He's a diploma holder while I am only a stupid NITEC cert!!! CLY also going to study a diploma soon too. I said before, I won't fight but I'll just let him go. But if I ever really do that, my friends will see a very different side of me. If I ever failed again on this, I will save money to go for operation and then save another part of money to have my name and gender change and to serve NS. Leading a different life from then on. By that time, I won't be calling Juliet. Call me Richard. I have not yet think of a Chinese name for myself if I were to become a guy. Or maybe I'll try to save one million dollars to migrate to England? Then I'll start my new life from there. At least I can fulfil one of my dreams then. *Daydreaming*

I'll end here for now. Will blog again some other time....I won't trust you anymore BaoBei...if you really like CLY, then go for her...if you really think she's the one for you then I'll just say goodbye and thank you for the times that you gave me..I'll always remember it...

Outing with Esther

Spend the last three days of the New Year with BaoBei and visiting his relatives. By right in Chinese custom, the third day of the Chinese New Year is strictly not meant for visiting. I do not really understand why but I heard that because the third day is meant to pray for the souls and it's very unlucky for anyone to go visiting on the third day as bad luck will befall for a year for the owner of the house. Break his Mum's favourite bowl on the third day too...haiz..so sway! I wonder where to get a replacement for it?

Rush home to unpack my things and went out to meet Esther after that. Late for 30 minutes. Haiz..had dinner with her at pizza hut. $40 in total..don't know if it's worth it? Chat about a lot of things. I was surprise that the pizza we ordered, there are some things that we have in common! E.g: Both of us don't like to eat pineapples and Both of us don't like to eat onions(except that I only don't eat it when it is too big and in rings).

I describe a kind of bag I am looking for to Esther and she roughly knows what I am looking for. She said I could get it at Bugis around $30 for the big bag. I saw another similar kind at a shop selling $35 but it's a very small version. Not worth it and anyway I am not suitable to carry small bags. I wanted to find pink "stockings" to match my pink shirt too. I know that I could get it easily at Bugis street. Not sure how much will it cost?

Took photos with Esther. I had fun playing with the different effects with the "pen". Maybe I can take some pictures with BaoBei in future. Delicate a song and a message to Esther out the fountain. I couldn't think of any song that represents our friendship but a song title came into my mind. So I delicate that to her...

See Esther off to the bus stop and I walk to another side of the bus stop after she left. Reach home and the moment I step into the house, my Mum just can't stop nagging at me. It just only made me wanted to leave home more than staying at home. Sometimes I am feeling trap between my family and BaoBei. I am feeling "tired". Maybe someday I should move out to live all by myself in a rented apartment? At least I have more freedom outside than being at home. While at home, I cannot even do my own things like locking my room door. IT'S MY ROOM OKAY?! WHY DON'T I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOCK IT?! IT'S JUST PLAIN RIDICULOUS!!!

I think I will end here for now. Feeling happy to go out with Esther but I am feeling very upset with my Mum. Anyway I don't wish to talk to her. She will never understand me and she'll never respect me!!!

Reunion Dinner 2007

Pack my things in a rush and went to BaoBei's place yesterday. Had reunion dinner with his family members. His 2nd elder Brother still didn't talk to me..sianz...The couple shirt that his eldest Brother and his girlfriend wear are very cute. The girlfriend had dyed her hair and I think she went for re bonding. The new hair colour suits her well. BaoBei Mum still sort-of "blaming" me that I never stop BaoBei from smoking. But he promised me that he will quit upon his POP(Passing Out Parade).

Ate quite a lot at BaoBei's place. My favourite Japanese mushroom!!! Got a call from someone and she cried really badly. I really do not know what had happened and I cannot do anything about it. Sometimes I feel so useless. I cannot even help a friend who is in need! I cannot really advise her to move out cos it is not a best solution after all. Anyway, the rental fees to rent a room in Singapore nowadays is quite expensive. Didn't help to solve her problem in the end but the only thing I could do is to listen to her sorrows.

Went to my first Uncle's house to have reunion dinner after that. I wanted to drink the red wine but BaoBei forbid me to drink too much. Went "home" quite early at 10 plus at night cos we are afraid that there'll be no transport home. I don't want to take taxi cos it will cost a lot.

Visit my 3rd Uncle's house today. I was thinking of going to Shop N Save to buy Mandarin Sow tow but I heard that it cannot be store for too long cos it was turn bad. Haiz...it's my favourite fruit during Chinese New Year cos I don't get to eat it at any time of the year except CNY. My favourite "Gum" as I would like to call it. Speaking of which, yesterday was my last day at work. Haha! Finally I am free! I like the colleagues there but not the customers!!!

After that we went to my 2nd Uncle's house. He actually wanted to treat us to two bottles of red wines!!! But BaoBei was unhappy about it and refuse to let me drink. So sad...After that we bid my relatives goodbye and we went to meet our friends. Got a lot of Ang Bao money! Yeh! For the 2nd time, it has hit 3 digit figures!!! I wonder will there be a 3rd time? Tomorrow I'll be going to BaoBei's cousin place for visiting. I wonder how will it be like?

I found myself getting more and more emotionally attach to BaoBei. I wonder is it a good or bad thing? Cos....I am afraid of getting hurt again after some time. Most of my friends tell me not to worry too much and don't let my environment affect me but I tend to think a lot of things in my mind. I just don't know how to communicate my feelings to BaoBei....Does he really know what are my fears and how I feel? My past relationship experience keeps haunting me back ever since I saw BaoBei's latest blog entry plus...that woman's SMS!!! I don't know how to tell him that I have sink too deep into this relationship and that I fear losing him to some other woman or other things/reasons. I guess I could only bottle it deep in my heart...

Have to end here for now. Will blog again maybe tomorrow.

I don't understand??? Maybe..

Met BaoBei yesterday. He came all the way to my workplace and wait for me. I don't even know that he has been watching me working. He says that he has walk past my counter two or three times but I didn't see him. I think I was busy serving customers. Almost fainted at work around the evening. I have giddy spells but I don't know why.

BaoBei then sent me home and he have some chat with my Mum before he went off. Miss Service today but anyway, I really don't see the point being there. Cos I was thinking, even if I reach there, the singing itself takes about 30 minutes to 45 minutes(I take note so I know) and I must leave after an hour. What's the point going there just to sing and then leave? Sorry but this is how I felt.

Went to work and negotiate with my Boss to let me work early on the 15th cos I saw my organiser taking down a note that there's service that day 5pm -7pm. He then reluctantly agreed to let me work in the morning.

Around the evening just before I went for lunch, a customer keep sort-of "begging" me to change money for her. I then close my counter half-way and she shouted at me,"NO! NO! NO!" I got a fright at that point cos she shouted behind me! PLEASE! DON'T EVER SHOUT OR CALL ME FROM BEHIND! I REPEAT THIS! I then replied quite rudely to her,"Madam! Can you please don't shout!? I am NOT closing!" She didn't even apologise! Right after that moment after she shouted, I felt my chest have a piercing pain and I have difficulty breathing a little. But I quickly scan the rest of the customer's things. After I had scan the last customer, I quickly put a CLOSE sign at my counter and squat down. My chest still hurts! My colleague from the opposite counter who saw me, ask if I am okay? But after drinking one big gulp of water and some deep but slow breathing to relax my mind(hopefully), I felt better...Stupid customer! Some people don't know how to WAIT! I DON'T WANT TO WORK IN THIS JOB!!! I WANNA CHANGE JOB!!! I think I am not suitable to work with customers, they either angered me, frighten me or provoke me in some way or another. I think I am more suitable to work with things. Esther Ho also said that I am not suitable to work with customers as I will tend to let my feelings known/show. Sorry, once I am angered or provoked, it is very hard for me to smile. A few regular customers were surprise(or shock?)when I glared at them(The eyes that Esther Ho and my Da Lao Po(elder "wife")said that my eyes look murderous when I am angry that type) There is one customer even look down on me. I wanted to say to her,"Eh!! Hello! Since you know I am not familiar with the products here, then why don't you go to other counters where the cashiers are more familiar with the things?! Don't come to my counter lah!"But I didn't say anything but to stare at her and replied annoying,"Ya I know!"(In my mind I was saying,"KNS! Can shuddup or not?!")

Read BaoBei's blog and he says that I don't know him well. He even started to hate himself but I don't know why. I feel very sad when I read his latest entry. The Valentine's Day present that I gave to him, he didn't even read the message inside. He just open and see what is it and then close it. I felt disappointed but I didn't tell him. I guess it doesn't matter to him. Cos I expect him to at least read the small message that I had wrote for him inside. But he didn't. I just keep quiet and pretend nothing wrong. The Valentine Day present is only 99 hearts. The one that I took one whole day to make. I guess guys just don't know how to appreciate these kinda things. The rest of the hearts is in my room in another container. There was one time I type in my MSN extension nick: Will distance draw us apart or will it brings us closer? I guess his actions speaks out loud the question of mine. Although Esther Leong said that it will definitely draws us closer.

I wanted to talk to someone but I don't know whom. I also don't know where to begin with. Am I being sensitive again? Or maybe BaoBei really don't know how to express himself. Receive a cross necklace from BaoBei and he claims that he made it for me by asking his army mate to teach him how to make that necklace. I think I lost it but I don't remember where and when. There are times I wish that I could go somewhere alone to think things through. Why did BaoBei say that? Maybe I really don't understand BaoBei enough. Or maybe I don't even understand BaoBei at all.

During the days when I cannot accompany BaoBei, he did look for his friends that I ask him to. But sadly none of them accompany him. Xiao Pang is sick with high fever. Wei Da is busy with his girlfriend(Now then I know he's got gf! but I got the news a little late). He then SMS someone whom I felt threaten by. Although the SMS is harmless and pure, but still, the idea of her SMSing him makes me feel uncomfortable. She ask BaoBei to bring me along to meet her. I don't want! Seeing an ex-girlfriend of your boyfriend is really weird! I don't even know what is their status! Ordinary friends? Best friends? Close friends? Or what?! It was her who initiated the break-up(That's what I heard) but I forgot who told me before that JayJay who saw her before, only describe her one thing: When JayJay saw her, he wanted to "bed" with her. If you guys know what I mean by this? I also heard that BaoBei's ex-gf is quite sexy and pretty. *JEALOUS* But BaoBei used to be a racer. So I am not surprise that he got to know this kinda girls. I just feel insecure that's all. Cos I am neither pretty nor sexy. But I fear that if one day that girl came back to him, asking him to patch things back, BaoBei will have mix feelings. But if that really were to happen, I will most probably chose to let him go. I am not saying that they cannot remain as friends. But...I have my own fears and insecurities. Cos one of my ex-bf told me that he used to think that he has forgotten his ex-gf after I and him are together. But after I broke up with him, when I met my ex sometime ago, he told me that he realize that he still has feelings for his ex after all, deep inside his heart. Long after I left him and that he happened to met her again at his company functions. That is when he realise the feeling is still there. I fear that same thing will happen on BaoBei. But still, I cannot say anything about it. I tend to imagine things and at times, imagine the worst.

I think I have to end here for now. Nothing for me to type anymore. *Staring blankly into space imagining things*

Poor maid

This entry is very boring...can don't read if you want...

Went to work in the afternoon. Actually I drag myself there cos I don't wish to go to work in the first place. After counting, I then went out to serve the customers. Around late afternoon, there's one lady who bought a lot of items. I then purposely scan the items slowly. She then scolded her maid in front of a lot of other customers. The maid just kept quiet throughout except she says occasional,"Sorry Mum(Madam)", "No Mum(Madam)". I was very angry with the employer and half of me wish to speak up for the poor maid. But I was working so I cannot say anything but to watch the poor maid helplessly. When the maid tried to carry the whole lot of groceries later on, the employer push her maid on the back very hard and said,"Go lah! Take all these to the car first! Cannot understand instructions is it!? Stupid girl!"by this time, I wish that I could give the employer one punch on her stupid face!!! But I cannot do that lah. If I'm in my civilian clothes and I am not working, I may do that! I will even stand up for the maid! Cos if I stood up for the maid now, the employer can complain to my Managers of being rude and maybe plus being nosy. I pity the maid. She came all the way from her country to work in Singapore and yet being treated like a slave(or maybe worst than a slave)! TO ALL EMPLOYERS IN SINGAPORE(Especially those who hire domestic workers/maids): Please don't ill-treat your maids! They are pity enough to leave their hometown just to come here to serve you and your household members! Please treat them with dignity! They are humans too and have feelings too!!! Not your dog/slave!!!

I really hate people like that! I was thinking,"What if the maid was first time here in Singapore and she don't understand a lot of things? Can't the employer teach/guide her nicely?!" From the way she speaks and from the money she spends(she spend a total of $170+++ just for groceries alone), I can easily tell that the employer is from the upper class rich tai-tai. So what if she is rich?! It doesn't mean she can bully the maid like that!!! I hate people who uses money to push people around! They think that their money is made of gold!!! In my eyes, no matter how rich you are, if you treat a maid or those less well-off than yourself like shit, you are NOTHING in my eyes! Just a low-class idiot!!!

After the maid and her stupid employer left, I curse the employer deep within my heart. I pray silently that one day the employer will reduce her status to a pathetic poor lady one day and hopefully one day she will be in her maid's shoes!!! Then she will know the taste of being treated like a slave!!!

But of course I don't mean all the employers in Singapore are like that. I have also seen some(but very rare cases) whereby the employers treat their maid very well and even treat them like one of their friends/family members. But like I said, these are very few and rare cases. I have even seen an employer pull her maid's hair in public before and slap her maid. I do not know what has the maid done wrong to deserve such a treatment?

Sorry for the boring entry again. Will blog again soon.

L-O-V-E is in the air

Some says love begins at first sight
Other says love develops with time
Some says that it's infatuation
but I believe my feelings for you
will last beyond that

Each time you smile, I melt
Each time you cry, my heart pains
Every time you turn to look at me
my heart skips a beat
Each time you got yourself hurt, I cried

I don't know what is it
but I just can't help loving you
Pretending of not loving you
it's just not my style
it's not something I can do

I'll always be by your side
protecting you with my arms
I'll willing to lay my life for you
just to see your smile,
just for your happiness

You may not notice me
You may not even know
someone who is willing to protect you
is someone that you won't take notice

I'm willing to wait
No matter how long it takes
I'm praying and hoping for the day
the day when you'll finally look my way
the day where you finally be mine...

Poem created by: Juliet
on: 7 February 2007

Time - Feelings(divided by)Love x distance = Are we still the same?

My work schedule is quite tiring. Yesterday I was working night shift and today I am working morning shift. For the next few days, I am going to work night shift again. The 1st day of my night shift, I was surprise that the time pass by extremely quickly! Before I knew it, it was time for me to go home. I was thinking,"Huh?! So fast?!" The feeling is like I just come to work for only a few hours then I can go back that kind. But actually I had work 7 hours. My Dad then came to disturb me while I was doing closing.

Work was quite fun today. There are even a few customers who smile at me and told me to relax myself. Cos I tend to rush through and key in very quickly and pack the things very quickly and hand it to the customers especially when I see that the queue is quite long. Whenever the queue is long, I will get very stress and will tend to do things very fast. Customers who don't understand, will misunderstand me of being rude.

After work today, I close the counter myself(By right, I am not suppose to do that). Cos I want to rush home to rest. My store Manager then help me to do official closing of the counter. I then went in to count the takings of the day. Surprisingly, I had access of $1.00! I suspect it could be a newspaper that I never keyed in. But not my fault! The customer just throw the money to me(and I really mean throw)and just use the newspaper to point at my face before he went off! KNS! Maybe that explains the excess. Cos from the beginning until now, I always have either shortage or just balance but never excess.

After finish counting the takings, I wanted to go off but my Manager hold me back. He's giving all of us a treat(I mean the whole employees of that particular store). He called for Mac Delivery and all of us get to eat. Initially I said no cos I wanted to go back home anyway. Then he said,"Eh..Don't like that leh. I'm giving all of you a treat and you don't want to give me face" I explain that I have to go anyway so just don't count me in. He then ask me to wait until I have eaten then I can go off. I was like," O.o?!" look. He knows that I live nearby so the more he don't allow me to leave.

After the delivery has arrived, we then take our own share of food. By the time the food arrived, it has actually turned half-cold. But we still eat it anyway. After I had finish, I then went to thank my store Manager and he just smiled at me. I finally found the Zip Lock bag that I am looking for but the size is not what I really want. The stock only have "M" size while I am looking for "L" size.

Went home and called BaoBei. Both of us were very quiet mostly on the phone. But at least I can get to hear his voice, I am contented. He then said he may be booking out on Saturday. But still I may not get to see him. He wants to meet me on the 17th but I am working on that day. Haiz..sian. I just hope that he will not be "out-of-sight-out-of-mind" thinking.

I think that is all for now. I shall end here. Will blog again some other time

HuiYi's Care

Slack at home for the whole day today cos it's my off day. Went to Jurong CPF building to submit my time sheet to my Agent. He then ask me if I would like to continue to work for the company I am working now after the 17 days period? I thought about it for a while before answering him,"No". Before that, actually I have expected him to ask me this question but I didn't know that he would ask me so soon. Anyway, after some discussion with Lorraine over the phone about it, I decided not to continue with the job. But one thing I know for sure - The pay is going to be very less.

Went home after that and along the way, I fold hearts again. It has been a very long time since I last fold the hearts. Haiz...cannot reach my target or 999. Let alone 9999. Sorry BaoBei...didn't reach your target that you have set for me too...it's less than 520. If you all want to know why 520, ask BaoBei. Only BaoBei and me knows the meaning of 520. Such a failure!!! *Angry at myself*

HuiYi called me around evening. Chat with her for a while and she ask why didn't I call her for chat? Erm..actually I don't have the habit to call people up without reason. Now you all know how I lose contacts with friends? She ask me how are things between me and my BaoBei? I dare not really answer her this question cos...recently, I do not know is it that I am affected by my friend's broken relationships and the environment around me or is it that I am thinking too much or whatever? I suddenly don't have confident on our relationship(I mean my BaoBei's and me relationship) and I found myself having serious thoughts over some things and my imagination. She also says that she haven't seen me for a long time. Erm..I didn't attend church for a week only mah. The most funny part is, my Agent thought that I had work for 4 weeks?! Hahaha! I guess time really flies fast.

She sound very sad over the phone but I don't know why cos I never ask. Someone also never go for church and CG because of work. Alamak! Why like that? No wonder Bro's reaction was so big over the msn when I told him that I won't be coming for service and CG. He ask me to try to make it for this coming Sunday Service. Again I don't know how to console her but I just listen to what she says. She has a lot of homework to do PLUS PROJECT?! KNS! Her homework is already so tough and now the teacher give her project?! I was like,"What kinda school is this?!" She is also one of the people who envied BaoBei and me. How come the people around me envy us? Hmm...It's just that we seldom quarrel that's all. Anyway, we have nothing to quarrel about. Maybe because it's only the beginning of our relationship or it could be that because BaoBei is always giving in to me. Oh and one thing I must say. Because I heard a saying that quarrels will strength the relationship. Let me tell you, it's argument that strengthens it. NOT quarrels! There's a thin line between these two extremes. Argument means you have your stand of certain things and you want your partner to see your point of view so you sort-of "debating" with your partner. Quarrel means the words exchange are harsh and sometimes, even hurtful to both parties. I learnt all these in marriage seminar. Cos I had friends who said,"Quarrels and Arguments are the same what". No! It's NOT!

Argument = You "fight" in a way that your words doesn't hurt or degrade your partner in any way. But you only want your partner to understand your point of things.

Quarrel = The words exchange between both parties are often hurtful and will tend to hurt the partner's ego or feelings. This usually happens if the words exchange are harsh and there's name-calling, degrading terms are used.

Usually I will try as best as I can to op for the 1st option. But sometimes, in a moment of my anger or hot-temperness, the 2nd option will come from me "accidentally". If I can, I will try not to hurt BaoBei cos I heard that BaoBei's heart is quite fagile. But I think I had hurt him either directly or indirectly at times. There a part of me keep saying to me that because of all the things and environment that keep happening around me, the more I should hold on to BaoBei's hand tightly to face any obstacles that comes our way. But there's another part of me still having doubts here and there because of what I had seen with my own eyes or hear from my friends. HuiYi then told me not to let my surroundings or others affect my relationship with BaoBei. Because of my work, I can't get to see BaoBei at all for the past week. I do miss him at times and wonder how is he doing in NS and whether did he fall sick again? BaoBei's health is not very good nowadays. His family had gone back to Malaysia for the New Year, which means that he's now left alone. Now, because of my work, I cannot be there for him.

I've been thinking whether to avoid him? Cos he get to learn my nose bleeding problem and he seems worried. I was thinking,"What if my nose bleed again when I see him?" He'll be worried sick! Nowadays, I had no choice but to put a packet of tissue underneath my counter cos I don't want to run to the toilet to wash my nose every time it bleeds. My supervisor suspect that there's something wrong with my health and ask me to go for check up cos she says it's very abnormal for a person to have nose bleed frequently. I suddenly thought of a medical condition but I don't know the symptoms. The Chinese term is called,"Bi Yan Ai" it the cancer of the nose that will cause a person to bleed from the nose frequently. I don't think I have that? Maybe it's the heatiness of my body that cause it. I also heard that people who burn mid-night oil often(which means sleep very late quite often)will also have it. HuiYi says if my nose bleeds one more week, she is pulling me to see a doctor.

Argh!!!!! I miss Ps.Ulf service!!! This week, I think Dr.Bernard is coming? Ahh!! Cannot get to see him! Hate it! I don't know why but I look forward seeing Dr.Bernard. His Book that I have bought, brightens my day alot and the words inside it are very encouraging. If I miss his service I guess I have to wait till he returns next time.

End of the world is coming real soon!!! Very excited!!! Okay...I know I am siao but you people will not understand how I feel. Only Esther Ho will understand. All the signs that is stated in the Bible came true! He will be coming anytime soon! Those who read the Bible more often than me should know what I am talking about.

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time. Sorry that my entries seems boring.

Stressful Day!!! What the hell?! LOVE SUCKS!!!!

First day operating my own counter. Very stressful as most of the customers are quite demanding! I almost had a mental break-down because there was a long queue and the first few front customers are giving me problems. I keep pressing for help every 10 minutes and the Management are very annoyed with me. Saw that Bitch-cum-Slut at my first day of operating the counter!!! PUI!!! PUI!!! PUI!!! SWAY!!! KAN DAO(4) NI WO JIU DAO(3) MEI!!!! BU YAO LIAN DE JIAN NU REN!!!! WO YONG YUEN HEN NI!!!!!!!!! MEI YOU KAN GUO XIANG NI NA ME JIAN DE NU REN!!!!!!! Because of her, my relationship with someone had soured.

A girl then came to my help to clear half of the customers. After the "war" had end, while I was serving the one last customer, I felt something drip from my nose...I know it's not those normal cold flu type of drip cos the feeling is different. I quickly look up to the ceiling as I key the product. Of course, the lady customer gave me strange looks when I do that. After I calculated her things, I quickly put a CLOSE sign at my desk and the male customer who was queuing behind her earlier got annoyed. I don't know how to explain to him that my nose is bleeding. So I didn't speak at all and I didn't even bother to explain. Can you imagine if a service crew were to serve you with his/her nose drip with blood?

I then squat down and my colleague from the next counter peer in to see what happened? I then ask for tissue urgently as I saw my right hand covered with drips of blood...This is the 4th time my nose is bleeding. I wonder what happen to me? I quickly rush to the staff toilet to wash up. After 1 minute, it was temporary okay. When I returned, my colleagues ask am I okay? After work, I went to sort out the money...Haiz....sort of $1.30. I was ask to report to work at 8am the following day. I then quickly rush home to shower and change my clothes.

I rush for service as I was late. While I was on the way there, my nose bleed again...5th time. I was thinking of not going anymore but I promised Lorraine I will be there and she wants to see me attending the service. I then SMS the 7-11 counter crew for tissue cos I had difficulty talking in that condition. I then quickly paid and left. Luckily this time it wasn't as bad as that afternoon itself.

1st time - At BaoBei's place...he was worried cos that time it bleed quite heavily
2nd time - At the OJT
3rd time - In the middle of the night at 2.45am(don't ask me how I know)
4th time - At work around the afternoon
5th time - On the way to service

I wonder will there be a sixth time? It reminds me of a show "Initial D", where Kuo Hai's(Act by Jay Chou but I forgot the Japanese exact name)buddy's nose also bleed for no reason. A girl then wipe it off for him and he joked,"Wah...if I bleed every time, I wonder will it bleed once every month?" I don't know if you get the joke? If you haven't watch that movie maybe you won't understand what I am talking about. But anyway, never mind.

Met my friends at night for chit-chat and dinner. My stomach hurts and I suspect I am starting to get gastric pain. Cos I only ate Breakfast and never eat for the whole day after that until dinner. BaoBei, it's not that I don't want to eat. I have no time to eat. If you understand my job scope, you will know why. I am half-happy and half-sad for one of my friend(You should know who you are) and I pity on another one of my friend's friend. A lot of things had been happening and I cannot do anything except to watch them getting hurt by guys(Some kinda friend I am huh?) I don't know how to console people. All I could only do is to listen and be there for them(So useless!)A few of them are envious of BaoBei and me. Cos they said we seem like a happy couple. Maybe from their view, they think so. But..to me, everything has it's good and bad side.

I then went home quite "early" as I have to work in the morning shift later on. Have to end here for now. Will blog again some other time. A few more weeks to go before I can leave that company. DON'T WISH TO SEE THAT SLUTTY BITCH!!!! In my mind I am always murdering her.

OJT

Took a taxi from Bugis to New World Centre cos I don't know the way there. I was the 2nd person to reach that place. The Store Manager then showed us where to put our bags. After that we were told to stay in a room. My nose then bleed again! 2nd time le! Yesterday evening it bleed then now, just after seeing the teacher, it bleed! I just hope that the teacher don't think otherwise. I then went to the ladies to wash up. The bleeding didn't stop but got worst instead. First time have blood cot too! Don't know is it good or bad? Please don't ask me to see a doctor! No money to see doctor! When I think I am okay a little, I then went back and saw a lot more candidates there other than the girl and me.

The Manager then brief us on our attires. Luckily the Agent already told me beforehand on what to wear. She then continue to teach us on how to serve and greet the customers. She also teach us what types of food should be pack with what types. After that she then bring us to do practical hands-on cashier work. Different stores operate using different cashier. Luckily the cashier I will be using will be easy to operate.

The difficult part is the code. KNS! I hate to memorize codes! She also explains that for those short-term memory or those who have poor memory, it is best that you know how you can remember things in what kinda way. She made me key in a particular item code repeatedly and she said that usually this method works for short-term memories employees. After that she teach us the different type of cards that we will come across and how to process them. There is one particular card I am very irritate about but I just pray and wish that I won't come across that particular card! Cos the processing is very troublesome..no is EXTREMELY troublesome! Only that particular card processing system irritates me! Other than that, the rest is okay.

We were then given a 20 minutes tea-break and I went for a drink with a Philippine girl. She sticks to me all the time throughout the training course and I don't know why. The rest ignore me. Anyway, since we are posting to different outlets, I don't see the need to interact with them much. The Philippine girl is a slow learner. Same as me but her memory is also poorer than me. Maybe because of her age...She is way older than me, in case all of you are wondering. So..I really don't understand why she likes to stick to me throughout the day?

After that we then do hands-on cashiering work again and this time, I forgot all the codes! The Manager then said 2 numbers at first and I key in accordingly but again I forgot the rest. She then said another number and I manage to figure out the rest. Haiz..need to practice more. The Manager has no problem teaching the rest but when it comes to the Philippine girl, she gets fed-up and very annoyed with her cos she keep on forgetting what to key in and keep referring to the board for the codes. The Manager then told one of the girls to erase off the codes and ask the Philippine girl to key on her own. She couldn't remember any of the codes even keying the SAME code repeatedly! One of the Malay girls then told the Manager to relax. I then told the Manager that I remember only 2 of the codes(out of 4)but I always get mix-up especially if the codes are identical.

After that she continue to show us other cards and how to go on processing them. Wah! Teach so many things in a day! After that we were given an hour lunch-break and she told us if we are free after lunch and still have time, we can go and observe how the cashier pack the items. I followed the rest to MacDonald's to eat cos that's the nearest place to have lunch. Again, the Philippine girl stick to me like glue. Argh!!! Help!!! I finish the food quite fast and I told the rest that I wanted to see how the cashier go about on their work and I left. The Philippine girl seems unhappy.

I then took a packet of sweets and queue behind a customer and watch how the cashier pack the items. I was very surprise that the way she pack was wrong! But then when I saw the word "Trainee" on her name tag, I didn't say anything. Maybe she didn't know or she could have forgotten the packing procedures. The Philippine girl stood behind me and suddenly ask,"Hey! You are here! I was looking for you!" I smiled at her and said,"Ya, I am watching how she pack" but in my mind, I was screaming,"HELP!!! Why you only follow me?!" I quickly paid for the sweets and left. The girl kept following me everywhere I go..and I really mean EVERYWHERE!(Including the ladies). For the remaining 45 minutes, she kept following me and I cannot do anything on my own. KNS!!!

After we came back from lunch, we continue with the cashiering training. We were then told that the training is a day and not 2 days as stated. o.O?! But is okay cos at least I can get a day rest and also I can use the remaining 1 day as rest and I could also go down to the workplace to copy the item codes and memorize them hopefully by hard before I start work.

We were dismiss at 5pm instead of 5.30pm. After that I quickly go off after having my time-sheet signed cos I don't want that girl to follow me! She caught up with me and ask,"How do you go home? By Bus or Taxi?" Cos there was no MRT station around. I told her that I don't know and she said that she could follow me to go home if I am using the same route with her. I then smile and said I may not be going the way she goes and quickly bids her goodbye when she is using her hand phone to call her husband.

Had a tiring day and a stressful day. Partly because of the codes and the processing of the cards. I think I have to end here for now. Will blog again some other time...

Cell group outing

Went out with the CG yesterday and I was very happy! We went to Vivocity ate at Food Culture. The food there is quite expensive! Shared a Korean meal with HuiYi cos I don't feel like eating anything. I had taken my dinner before meeting them. I love their Ikan Blis and especially their spicy vegetable~yum! Samuel went to order steak with spaghetti on it. Taste good too!

After that Bro bring us to a coffee house to drink. I was like,"Huh?! Can I don't order anything please?" Cos I don't have much money with me *Pai seh look* The place is good. Ideal for relaxing and do some catching up with friends kind of place. We then celebrate Ming Ze and Joanne's birthday. When we were singing, a group of Malay from the far end then copy our action. But they came over and wish Joanne Happy Birthday too.

Peter(HuiYi's friend..To Esther Ho: Not our ex-Boss Peter), then treat all of us drinks but I didn't order anything cos I was on the phone talking to BaoBei. Haiz...too bad I don't have a job. If not I will surely bring BaoBei to this coffee house to drink. Samuel order strawberry cheese cake and I tried a bit...IT TASTE AWSOME!!! But don't have the money to eat *Pai seh*

After that we then went home. I will be starting my temp job soon. Maybe instead of 2 weeks, I cannot see BaoBei for 2-and-a-half or maybe 3 weeks. Of course he was very unhappy when I told him this.

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Edmund's Poem Part 2(He actually have 3 works but only 2 of his works touches me)

You make the most of my day,
You showed me a new world, a better place
You make me smile when im feeling low
Most importantly, you taught me how to Love
For without you, i'll never know.

And i feel grateful every single day
because God gave me the most beautiful woman
none could ever replace.
And thank God i found her,
Because i'll never feel the same,
if I never met her on that fateful day.

She's the only girl i'll ever love
and this is my promise that will never be broken
Its so magical its just like a beautiful dream
but its so true and thank God i found you.

Our first kiss i will never forget
it was short but hauntingly sweet.
when our hands bond, i knew it is all destined
For me to meet you, that's all i need.

POEM CREATED BY: EDMUND
EXTRACTED FROM: wholivesnearyou.com

PS: All of his works are original and HAVE NOT BEEN EDITED

EDMUND'S POEM PART 1(Read it and maybe you'll know why it took my breathe away)

A golden sun set in the horizon,
the sandy beach bask in its glorious motion
the picture tells a thousand words
yet none could tell me the story of my missing maiden
How the lonely heart ache, i wonder
Is she happy , Is she sad?
Is she content with what she gets?

Tell me ,oh whispering wind
news of my missing heart-to-be
Is she safe , is she snug?
Is she fine with that warmly hut
that i set upon with my prayers
that i hope upon with my wishes.....

Wash away her troubles, oh mighty waves
yet keep her close to the sandy bay
let her know that im not far away
just some distance from the love gateway
Show her the way my mighty waves , and make her stay
make her stay....

Cover her with your love , oh fluffy clouds
shape the wonders, shape my love
Shape the heaven that i dream on earth
tell the stories of my love , cover the blushes when i do see her....

Now oh Glorious Sun, Would you bake my love-made cookie crumbs
So its golden , crunchy just like what she wants
Sweet and honeyed , oh so nicely done
Now send it to her, wrapped in your golden beams and warmth...
Now would you do me the favour ,Oh Glorious Sun ?
Set you may but please send her what i've done...

let not my efforts gone to none.....

Poem created by: Edmund
Extract from Wholivesnearyou.com forum

P.S: If you know who you are and if this poem is yours, sorry to have copied your work to paste it here but I just want you to know that I admire your poem work very much. Once again, my apologies...

Ahhh!!!! So Stupid!!!!

Watch a drama Series just now. Was very touch on the ending part where YaoYao said,"Some people sink deep into the darkness while others came out from it. You determine yourself which path you want to take". It made me cry partly because her words are touching. At the same time, I was thinking about my past and what BaoBei said to me during our initial stage of dating(2 weeks) After what he had said, I did ask him to think through it carefully before really accepting me as his girlfriend. The things he said later on made me cry. He said that it was from the bottom of his heart.

The factory job finally replied but I guess it was too late. My Mum said I am stupid to have reject the job offer for the sake of the temporary job. BaoBei called me yesterday and I don't have hands to hold the phone so answer the phone with my head slant sideways. I was making BaoBei's Valentine's Day gift. He ask what am I doing and I just replied,"Doing your gift lor. Need to finish up in a hurry to give you before Valentine's Day"(Cos he'll be booking in JUST before Valentine's Day). He then said,"Hmm..let me guess. You are folding stars right?" I then said that I do not know how to fold stars and I said I'll give him a surprise on that day itself. He said,"If not stars then is heart lor. How many?" I was speechless for some time. I only replied I will give him before the day itself but I have to hurry cos it was too many. Okay lah..it's because I myself set the impossible target. 9999 paper hearts. It has meaning of my own. Instead of 999(which is my initial plan, I change it to 9999). Cos in Chinese, it represents 4 words: Tian Chang Ti Jiu. Read it out and you'll notice it's 4 words right? My 9999 hearts means these 4 words. So far I only reach my initial semi target of 99 hearts. The rest are still in midst of folding. Haiz...hen xing ku!

Sorry..cos initially wanted to bring him to have a nice dinner but I don't have job and no money. I also don't know how to celebrate Valentine's Day as I never give any of my ex-bfs Valentine's day gifts before. Okay lah...only gave one of my ex whom the relationship last for 2-and-a-half years, a chocolate for the first year and a ring for the second year. The rest of my relationship never last beyond a year. Okay..I know I am un-romantic or no creativity but...that's me. I mention before I had difficulty expressing myself.

Log in to WLNY.com and I post one of my poems in Tampines area. 4 people who read my poem said my poem has meaning and touching. A girl then put 4 shock faces look. While a guy said my poem was "Power". Haha! First time I get this kinda reaction from people. It was just an ordinary poem but I am ashamed that the reaction I get is bigger than the operator who set the forum topic himself. He has also been criticised for his poem work which I felt sad for him. A few of them said his poem is copied from somewhere and it does not feel original. Probably because he uses the words "Thou" "Art" "Thee" etc. I was amazed cos it look like shake spears of Literature poem to me. There is a guy called, Edmund. He post two poems of his own and both of his poems took my breathe away! I never came across a person who can write a poem so well! I was like,"Wow!!! This guy is amazing! Could describe a scenery so well and so define!" I don't know how to describe his work. It's really beyond words for me! To me, it's the best poetry I ever seen! Now I know the chinese meaning of "Yi Shan hai you yi shan gao" When I told BaoBei about it, he was jealous. He said that he fear that I have an attraction for this forum guy(cos BaoBei don't know how to write poems). I then assure him that I am just admiring Edmund's poem and not the person himself. Anyway, I have BaoBei and that is good enough for me. I am contented.

BaoBei, xiang xing wo...wo de xin zhi you ni yi ge ren. Ni you ni de te bie, Ye Jiu Shi ying wei zhe ge te bie..wo chai hui xi huan ni. Bu yao he bie de nan ren zhuo bi jiao hao ma? Wo bu hui ying wei yi shou shi er xi huan ling yi ge nan ren...

Haiz...why BaoBei is so sensitive nowadays? I am slightly regret that I reject the factory job. Don't know if I had made the right decision? I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time

永恒的记忆

曾经我们是朋友
如今却变成了敌人
我们今日的结果,
我们彼此都有错

误会太深, 也太伤人
友情断了, 朋友散了
口中吐出埋在心低的真心话

谢谢你带给我
曾经的欢乐与悲伤
也感谢你, 在我生命中
留下了一个, 完美和
永恒的记忆

Created by: Juliet
Delicate to: Vincent, Gerrayne and Ivan

Cultural Mandate 3

Been thinking about what Pastor said on Saturday sermon. Maybe there are indeed some of us are not called to do church work. Pastor then ask us to use our talents to shine for the Glory of God. I was thinking,"What's my talent?" Cos I don't think I have any. I suddenly remember a verse about talents, where God gave each man different numbers of talent. One of them buried it into the ground and God was very angry. The problem is, I did not bury it! What if I really don't know what is my talent? Or maybe...worst, I had forgotten what is my talent? Don't ask me what is my strength cos I don't have any(or at least I think so). My weakness I have a lot.

Pastor wants us to use our talents to work and excel in the marketplace. From the beginning when Pastor spoke about this, until the end of it, I still could not answer my own question. BaoBei says my talent is...I have a great listening ear. Am I? That is not a talent! Maybe I'll never know what's my talent. Or maybe I really don't have any talents at all. Just a simple plain me. I was very surprise and astonish that the JAMS ministry can spell those difficult words that I myself couldn't have spell it out! I like the guy who plays the piano!!! He plays it very well!!! Anyone know how to play that song that he played? Can anyone teach me? Haha! That piano piece is nice!

Ended friendship with Ivan. He end it first but anyway, somehow I am happy that our friendship ended. Strange right? People cry over lost friendship but yet I am happy over it. Maybe it's because I treat him like how I treat Vincent. He really sucks sometimes! Now I am worried about Esther. I really don't wish to see her getting hurt. I think she has forgotten the encouraging words she used to tell me when I am down. Now when I tell her the exact same words back, I ask her,"Do you find it familiar? Who said these to me before"? She just keep quiet.

Initially wanted to go down to meet Ivan(perhaps to beat him up). Was shouting over the phone with him. While I was on my way down, Esther called me to plead me not to go down. I feel that she is going to cry any moment that kind. I understand her difficulty. She says,"One is my friend, the other is my lover. What do you want me to do? I don't want any of you to get hurt" She then said that Ivan also agree with her for me not to go down. I then called with him to have another "shouting match". I ask him a question and AGAIN, he likes to change topic! Why huh?! Cannot answer my question is it? Must talk other topic huh?! I then ask him,"Oei!! ** ***!!! I ask you one last time!!! Do you want me to come down!? Esther called to plead me! So I want an answer from you! YES OR NO?!" After again, saying some nonsense which I don't know what the hell is he talking about, he finally said,"No! I don't wish to see you ever again!" I then said,"Okay fine!" and hang up.

BaoBei then called me and ask where am I going? I said,"Home". He then said,"Oh ya? Then why did I receive an information that you are going to Queenstown? To do what? Meet who?"(why do I have the feeling that he started to sound more and more like Bro?) I then left speechless for a while. I thought it was Esther SMSing him to inform him that I went to meet Ivan. I then ask,"Who told you huh?". He seems a bit annoyed and said,"Ivan SMS me that you are going to Queenstown to meet him. For what huh? I told you before to let them settle it themselves right? Can you please don't make me worry?" At this point of time, I cried. Then the guy beside me in bus was kinda shock. He then continue to say things to made me cry further. Not scolding, not whatever. But...just normal talking using normal tone but I don't know why, somehow BaoBei is able to make me cry like that. The only person I know that can make me cry using only normal tone and even talking about things normally, is only Bro. Then nowadays BaoBei is also began to lift his hands to worship God. Something that I had not seen him done before when he first came back to church by HuiYi. It's a good sign lah. He has also since grow much more spiritually stronger than me.

Was thinking whether to work in F&B line? Cos it will meant that I definitely won't get to go to church cos I won't be able to get off on weekends. I will see how things goes. Maybe I do not fully understand what is Pastor trying to say? I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Drinking + Hurt = GUYS SUCKS

Was late for Bible study class so I didn't manage to go. Cos I went shopping with BaoBei's Mum and so...was late. Went for service directly. BaoBei brought a new friend along, Joseph. We then listen to Pastor's preaching. Service was okay but I was not in the mood to worship. Something keep bothering me.

After service, I told BaoBei to fellowship with the rest while I went to meet Esther. Went to have dinner at a food centre. Esther can't finish her fish soup and so I eat the remaining fishes. Okay lah...I know it sounds gross for most of you but that's what I do with my long time friends. While I was eating, something pierce into my throat. I had difficulty swallowing that thing and I keep pressing my neck. Esther got worried and ask,"Are you okay?" I signal to her that something is in my throat and she said,"Huh!? Got fish bone inside?!" I nod and quickly run to the backdoor of the food centre and force myself to vomit it out. Luckily I finally did, and....guess what I saw? A 1-and-a-half inch long and half a centimeter of fish bone!!! It hurts! No wonder I had difficulty swallowing it down. I tried to drink water to force it down but it got worst so I had no choice but to vomit it out. When I went back and told Esther about it, she was shock said,"Wah!!! So thick?! You are lucky that you can vomit it out"

Call BaoBei back as I have one miss call. He ask where am I and I told him that I won't be going home tonight and ask him to go back first. He ask,"Where are you?" when I told him I am at Bugis, he said,"I am at Bugis too! Where are you? I can't see you"He was at the Burger King side while I am at the other end of a 7-11 side. Haha! So coincidence!

After that Esther said she wanted to drink and we bring her to a Pub. BaoBei seems to know the people there very well. He told me that he used to be a regular at that Pub. I was thinking,"Wah! BaoBei de lai tou bu xiao!" He can even point out to me the people there and tell me their names. Even the Lady Boss there knows my BaoBei by name. She then touch me and Esther very affectionately and treat us as if we are her close friends. We order one jar and BaoBei paid for it. Esther drink quite alot and drink quite heavily. When I am drinking my 2nd glass, she already had her 4th or 5th glass. I was like -_-" No need to drink for suck a jerk right? I cannot drink too much or else someone will get angry. Actually I am not suppose to drink at all..but..just to accompany Esther to drink and to "entertain" her since she is down.

We then left and BaoBei told me that the two girls, JingJing and PeiPei, told my BaoBei that I am not bad looking. I was like,"*jealous* humph! Have girls talk to him!" Hmm..I feel that BaoBei can attract girl's attention quite easily. Although he doesn't have the looks that a girl wants but if they like his generosity and sincerity, they will sure find him a good catch! BaoBei said that the Pub is suitable for relaxing or to have a get-together with friends kind. Er....get-together with friends is true but for that relaxing part is all depends. Cos there's karaoke TV sets there, so...whether the atmosphere will be a relaxing one, all depends on the songs they choose and most importantly, how WELL they sing?

The drinks is quite okay. The Lady boss gave my BaoBei discount. 1 Jug for $40+++ and per bottle of Chivas Regal is $120 also discount price...I think? Haha! Now I know how to "por" customers into buying Liquor. Really must flirt with them. No wonder *Eileen ask me not to do that job. She says that job is not suitable for me and BaoBei will definitely be angry about the job scope.

After that we send Esther home. I think Ivan really forgotten what he has promise me. JERK!!! Should have listen to Marcus instead! I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Relationship Problems + Esther's blog = Reflection

Woke up quite late in the morning. Went to retrieve the Straits Times and flip through the jobs page again as usual. An Advertisement then caught my eye and I dial the number cos it states: Various locations available. The guy on the phone ask me to go to Jurong CPF building. I was thinking,"Huh?! Again?! Sian..The other time I go and didn't get any reply!" I was surprise after he said,"Look for Kelly Services". Esther Ho warn me before something about Kelly Services but then I just give it a try to see how it goes.

Went to fill up the application form that a girl handle it to me. After I had finish, the girl then collect it from me and pass it to a guy. He then came forward to me saying,"Erm...QiuFen? You are Juliet right? The one who called me this morning?" I just smile and nod. He then ushered me to a cabin and discuss with me about my temporary job. He said I would have to commit for 2 weeks, and work on weekends. He then made me sign something and he pass me some time sheet which he explains that I had to submit in person each week after completing one week of my service to that company. He will try to look out for Data Entry jobs for me. My job only starts next month. Saw Esther Leong's blog about parents and I do feel guilty cos I had been busy with my own life to even bother about what they do or how they are going on with their lives. Especially my poor Mum. My brother hugs her whenever he comes home. I don't even remember when is the last time I ever hug my Mum. Primary one? It's been too long since I last hug her.

Went home and talk to Bro about it. Of course, he wasn't very happy to hear the news lah. Cos I definitely had to miss Service and maybe CG for 2 weeks cos of my temporary job. I also cannot see BaoBei. Ivan then called me to chat about Esther. He then said some things that made me very upset. Has he forgotten his promises to me when I bless him and Esther to be together?! Now because of what his friends said, Esther seems nothing to him in his eyes!!! I was very angry because I was thinking,"If you really love Esther, why is it that when she is being condemn by your friends, you didn't stand up for her?! She's your girlfriend for Goddess sake!!!" First, he complain that Esther don't love him enough cos she have difficulty expressing herself and she is those "Bei Dong Pai"(While I am those "Zhu Dong Pai")I then ask Esther to hold his hand whenever she can or at least try to. Esther is a very shy person by the way. Imagine asking a very shy person to be expressive. How would they feel?! Esther already giving in to Ivan on this part. Okay..I also feel there's nothing wrong although...I do find Ivan fussy. Then..now he dare to said to me,"My feelings for Esther is not as strong as before". I was like,"Hello?!?! What do you think Esther is huh?! Who is the person who said to me that he WON'T let Esther feel hurt?! Who is the person who promise me that he won't hurt Esther in any way and would let her trust love all over again?! Who?! Tell me who?! Now you said all these crap to me!!!! REGRET ENTRUSTING ESTHER ONTO YOU!!!! I RUIN MY OWN FRIEND'S FUTURE!!!! I RUIN MY OWN FRIEND'S LIFE!!!! Now Esther said to me that she won't ever trust a guy again!!!! Now how!? Ivan ah Ivan...I AM SO BLIND TO ENTRUST MY FRIEND TO YOU!!!! I SHOULD HAVE LISTEN TO MARCUS WORDS!!!! YOU %^&^%$^ IDIOT!!!!" The more I think of it, the more angry I felt. Esther felt humiliated. Ivan told me not to tell Esther but....she is my friend leh! You want me to keep a friend in darkness about what her beau said to me?! Especially something that concerns her?! Despite all these things, Esther didn't shed a tear but I can feel deep down inside her heart, she is crying. A strong girl may not seen crying on the outside but no matter how tough and how strong they are, one thing is for sure: When a girl doesn't cry on the outside, IT DOESN'T MEAN SHE DOESN'T CRY IN HER HEART! The feeling of crying inside one's heart and not be able to cry it out, is more painful then to be able to cry out easily. I know how it feels cos I am one of the girls who has difficulty crying sometimes. That pain inside my heart when I am not able to cry, is more painful than when I am able to cry it out.

Yes I am crying now as I type this entry. I feel pain for my friend!!! Sorry for ruin your future and your love life Esther. But he sounds very sincere when he wants to woo you that time. Humph! How a guy's mind and heart change fast! Although you try to sound okay on the phone but I know deep down in your heart you are hurting. You said you don't want me to worry and don't want your friends to worry about your problems but hey! I am your friend! You always read my blog and want to know more about my problems when I blog it but now you are telling me that you don't want me to worry about your problems?! You are my friend!!! Why is it that you don't want to tell me your problems?! Am I really your friend or not?

Haiz...never mind. Maybe I will never understand what you have gone through or you simply don't want me to know of some things. Maybe I couldn't help anyway. Esther, you should learnt to stand up for yourself. Speak up for yourself when you know something is not right. Keeping quiet doesn't solve things all the time.

Went for CGM and fellowship for awhile. To Meimei and to the one who bought the tuna etc: Thanks! The sandwich and Tuna taste great! Not forgetting to the person who bought the oreos too. Sorry cos I do not know who bought those things so...I can only say Thanks here.

Really feel like murdering Ivan. Is Love really base on looks alone? Is looks really SO important in a relationship than the person's personality and Character himself/herself?! I am really disappointed. Luckily BaoBei is not like that.....at least for now. Or else I will be totally heart-broken. Wei Da and Xiao Pang also accepts me for who I am and never comment about anything on me. The rest of BaoBei's friends, I do not know cos I didn't get any feedback from them or from BaoBei.

I don't wish to type further...really very upset and heartbroken now. By the way, I am typing at 5+am in the morning but because this incident happens on Friday so I just set the time accordingly.

Sianz...itchy hands

Feeling very sad. Quarrelled with BaoBei for the very first time. About job problem and also because of his low self-esteem. HuiYi warn me before that my BaoBei will be very low self-esteem sometimes and I have to encourage him. But I end up quarrelling with him instead of encouraging him. He then said,"Humph! Okay lor..go lor..go and find yourself another guy lor! Baby don't want me already! I am so sad! Humph! Baby abandon me!!!" When I tried to call him back, the operator said,"The number you have dial, could not be reach. Please try again later" Haiz..okay okay. Don't look at me like that. I know is my fault. Now he don't want to listen to me. Haiz..*heartbroken* Why is it whatever I wanted to show him that I love him, but I end up hurting him instead? BaoBei, go and listen "Wu Xing Shang Hai" and you will know what I mean in the song.

Went for interview at Redhill. Luckily I know the route very well cos it was Esther Ho's old house(Near Delta Complex). But I am not confident that I would get the job cos a lot of mistakes. It is stationery shop. Those who are good in Mathematics can try that job. My Maths is not good.

When I reach home, my Mum ask me,"So how? Can?" I replied,"No..cannot. That job needs Maths. You should know how badly I have done in my Maths". She then ask me to look for another job.

Sianz...I think the tagboard thing is down. I went to Lynn's and Nicholas blog, both also the same thing. The place where should be allowed to tag, is white in colour. I think I have to wait till it recover then I can log into my account to re-do my tag again. Or to subscribe another one.

I end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Wu Xing Shang Hai:

Are you alright?
I miss you tonight..

Chun xin wu nai, wo xin dou wei le ai
wo zhuo zai zhe, sha sha de fa dai...
wo ran yi lai, ni chun chun de ai...
Oh~Woh~wo xin hai zai, ai ni de ren hai zai
ku ku den, xiang ku, ku bu chu lai...
wu xing shang hai..ni ying gai ming bai...

ai tai duo kong xu, shou shang rong yi
hu xing hu ai chai shi wei yi...
Oh Woh woh~dui ni de fu chu, dou fang zai xing li
wo shi dong zhe yang zhen xing, wo zhen me hui wang ji ne?

*CHORUS
Feel so sorry, Baby I so sorry...
I never meant, I never meant to hurt you...
wu xing shang hai..ni ying gai ming bai...Oh woh woh~
Feel so lonely, Baby I'm so lonely
Do you know? I need you to come back...
Are you alright? Qing Kuai Dian Hui Lai...

Zhen xing kan dai, yu ni yong bu fen kai...

Zhe yi shen, zi yuan he ni xiang ai...
Yu ni tong zai, zi wei ni deng dai...
Wooo~ai shi chun zhen, ai shi wu hen
bu zai hu zhen me hui tong ku wan fen?
Wo zhen de tai ben, bu dong xin teng~
Baby please come back~oh yeah yeah yeah yeah

Repeat *