Argh!!! Gross!!!!

Manage to finish the old assignment but here comes the new one :'-( haiz...don't know when can I manage to finish it since I had to use a different method to do. Was viewing someone's blog just now and out of curiousity, I click on one of the icons and it lead to me a most disgusting picture I have ever seen!!!! Okay lah..although it is just drawings, but the drawings are evil and bloody enough to make me say,"Argh! Gross!" Er Xing!!!!

I tried to skip that icon to go to see other's blogs, but when I click it, it show me a picture of a guy, his face is covered in blood and I think one of his eyes is missing cos he covered his right eye with a bandage. Ahhhh!!! I then quickly exit the program. How come he has such things in his blog? Or rather, how come he made such friends??? But anyway, it's his life and I have no right to interfere. Don't tell me he likes bloody stuff?(Wild imagination) Please! Tell me that he is not that kinda person I am thinking right now! Sorry that I cannot reveal this person's identity. But I can give you an only clue is that he is one of my church-mates.(Get the hint? Can guess who is it?)

I remembered once I told someone(You should know who you are)that I have considered joining the occult before and in one of their practises, they do use blood and there are blood sacrifices. She was shock and talk to me more about that religion and ask me to consider really carefully if that is what I really want? Can I be really happy there? This question of hers has been in my mind since. Cos there are times I feel very trap in my life. Felt very tired walking with Him and to obey his ways but she said that God's commantments are there to help to protect us and not to restrict us. I remember she said something like,"Our flesh belongs to the world but our spirit belongs to God. Sometimes our flesh and our spirit are "fighting" with each other"(She said something like this) Giving me examples of how our flesh and spirit are fighting. On the way home, I thought alot about what she had said. What if I wanted to give up? She is also one of the persons whom I share the Da Vinci Code thingy together with W117. Like I said in my previous blogs, I like her for her wisdom.

Hmm...I think I end here for now. Sorry for the long-winded blogging.

Stress

Can't do it anymore! Very stressful!!! The new cases make me very headache! Cos now my supervisor teach me another style of doing the assignments. No choice but to follow her style. Cos she is considered the senior supervisor in this department, although she is just an assistant supervisor. But because of the years that she work here, I had to listen to her. She couldn't be wrong. Could she? Headache! My head is very painful!!!! Just took a capsule of headache medicine(not panadol). It state that for Adult, can only take 1 dose. I feel like taking 8 doses at 1 go...cos the headache is really killing me!!! But I know that I can't. Anyone knows what are the way to de-stress in office? Or within one hour? Cos my lunch break is only one hour and that is the only time I could go out. Headache!!!!! Very stressful!!!!! Then there is this new cases coming in..that I don't know what to do. Don't dare to ask her. Cos she said that I never listened to her when she is talking. It's not that I never listen but I am just plain forgetful.

Feel like crying but I can't. I am a person that don't know how to handle stress well. My colleagues said,"No wonder you do so fast cos you do it the wrong way" KNS! How the hell I know that I do it the wrong way? Sorry lor...Looks like I have to re-do everything. *Sobz sobz*

Thanks to all my friends and church-mates concern and care, I think I am now on the road to recovery. Still have some emotions problem here and there but I think I'll recover soon. Really appreciate all my friends and church-mates care. Some times, I feel that friends understand me more than my family members...how sad is that? Although my Brother and I seldom talk to each other but luckily he is always there to comfort me(provide that if he spots something is not right with me). I used to hate him alot. Cos I felt that my parents dote on him more than me as he is the younger child mah.

Now I know why *Eileen always like to go for drinking when she feels stress. Don't know if drinking could really helps to de-stress as I never tried before. I only go there when I am troubled by something or someone. But Cheer told me that drinking is not going to help me. Haiz....help.....the headache still hurts....

Got to end here for now. Sorry about the Bo Liao blogging again. Head very pain :'-(

Ending

Everything seems to go wrong. Change all my friendster, email and some sites passwords to something else. Cos I am used to using his name as my password cos I think it is a very difficult spelling for his name. But until recently, I start to change all my passwords. Still not used to it that the passwords have been change. Cos I am so used to typing his name everytime something prompts for password in my computer. I must forget him! I must! Although he has brought me joy to my life, but at the end, he has also brought me hurt. I can't believe it! The person whom I thought that won't hurt me most, always tends to hurt me very deeply. Same goes to somebody whom I don't wish to mention the name. I guess being too trustful and being to native has it's bad sides after all. But...what can I do? Cos that is me and I can't seems to change....except that I could only change to not being too trustful anymore. So that is why if my friends notice that I have been more doubtful than before, erm.....now you all should know why.

Went drinking alone on Friday night. Too much things happening at home, too much stress and fustruation. I keep ordering drinks and keep on pouring in the drinks till I lost count on how many drinks I had in total. I think about 15 glasses? Or 18 glasses? I only remembered I drank 4 glasses of Pure Volka and the rest are all mix drinks. It's Ladies' nite that day. Plus there is B-boxing going on that day so there are much more crowds than last friday. Haiz...if I know there is so much crowds, I won't be going there. Cos I want to have some drinking peace please! After that I went home by myself...being close to dead drunk, I had slight difficulty in my movements and my sight. I had to ask 1 of the bouncers to get my bag for me and I walk to the bus stop myself to catch the NR bus home.(That short distance seems to take me forever to walk to it when I was in that state) When I reach home, early in the morning about 4+am, my Mum pick quarrel with me. Although I am half-drunk, still I can hear what she says. Okay lah! Since you want me to move out, I will move!!!! But if I ever move out, do take note that I won't be coming back to this hell ever again!!!! I rather be outside than here! Push every blame onto me! You have a mouth that don't want to ask me for something when I had and only ask me when I don't, then I do not know how to communicate with you any further! And I don't wish to communicate with you! I am tired!!!!! Emotinally, mentally, spiritually and especially physically!!!!!! Just give me a few more months and I'll move out okay?! And I'll get lost from your sight!!!! Happy?!

Woke up very late today due to the drinks that I had last night. HuiYi called me in the morning to ask why I was not at the meeting place? My head was in pain when I woke up. Had to force myself to get out of the house as soon as possible. When I reach cell group, Yu Zhi then ask me for the jacket. Oops! Sorry Bro, forgot to bring it with me. Maybe next week? At the cell group, my phone keep on ringing and flashing non-stop and Sandy keep on poking my arm each time it flashes to remind me there's a call coming in. When I see who it was, I throw the phone back to my bag and refuse to answer it. Sandy gave me a whierd look for that.

After cell group, I then rush to IMM with Sandy quickly to get Sun's Autograph. Very sad that I couldn't capture her on my camera phone. The image was very blur due to the lights. KNS! I think they know that camera phone has weakness for lights. Saw YueMing, Anita, Melissa and some of the members at the scene. I gave them a wave as a greeting. After getting Sun's autograph, I saw Sister Yan Ping but she don't seems to recongise me when I greet her. So sad, but never mind. Sun was very friendly with that smile. A few of the fans get to hug her. I was not one of them. Cos I dare not hug Sun. Saw Brother Eugune there too and manage to talk to him a little while. I then saw a sister with him but dare not ask if she was his girlfriend. Sorry that I couldn't mention her name as she is a popular sister. She is quite pretty and charming, I could say. I guess if I were a guy, she is one of the type of girls I would go for. I couldn't help but wonder if they are involve in those BGR thingy you know? But still I dare not have the courage to ask. I just leave it as that.

Quite a tiring day today. Manage to went home peacefully. Thank God! Looks like I got to turn in early today in order to avoid quarrelling.

Memories

Created this small little lyrics out of sadness and boredom..Sorry that if it's too short. Didn't make it a very nice song...don't know how to sing the last part of the song :P *apologises*


Memories

The day as you walk out that door

my heart splits in two

Memories of you and me

been running though my head

Years and years pass me by

I ain't got over you

I guess no one else could replace

The Love that you've gave

Chorus

I'm sorry Baby,

I can't forget you

I'm sorry Baby,

that I'm still lovin' you

I can't go on my life without you

I can't Love anyone but you...

I can't go on without your love...

The memories are killing me
I've been crying since the day you let go
of my hand...(x2)
Baby, I'm still missing you...

Depression

After seeing something on friendster, I am very upset and disappointed with myself. It's very difficult...really very difficult. My health is not in good condition these days. Don't know what to do and what to say. Sorry my friends, don't ask me to share about this. I really don't know how to share and I don't wish to share too. Alot of frightening scenes flashes though my mind these days...mostly all from my past. I had a feeling that I am going to have an emotional breakdown anytime.

Yesterday after work, while I was on my way to meet Esther, I cried for no reason. But I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I tried very hard to stop myself from crying. Luckily the tears stop just moments before I meet her. Problems at my workplace? No...there is no pressure in my working enviornment. Problems at home? Other than my parents are not talking to each other, there is nothing much happening at home. I do not know what is the cause that I am crying. But I feel very "xing ku" in my heart and emotionally. At home, the same old patterns keep on repeating and repeating. There are times, I wish that I could run away from home. Run away from everything and go to another place where I could be really alone. But my god-brother don't like me to run away from my problems. He wants me to face it. How can I face my problems when there is no way I can deal with it?

I don't like to go home...not until everything is settled at home. Cos when I reach home, I'll see the same thing happen. It has happened not once, not twice, but three times! At different stages of my life. Why? I am very tired of seeing this kinda patttern repeating at home. I think I had suffered enough from you! I don't wish to go though all this shit all over again in another way or whatever the crap! Wo shou gou le(I had enough)!!!!

Feel like smashing the mirror when I see myself in it. I hate everything! I hate myself! And PLEASE! Don't come and pity me or whatever the crap! I don't need that! I just don't like people to pity me! Just kindly leave me alone for a few months..maybe I'll be okay. I'm really very tired. Just tired..that's all. Don't wish to talk about it...Just find myself useless that's all. Can't do anything to my circumstances! Don't ask me to ignore it or what cos I CAN'T!!!

Brother Wen Kai's preaching and cell group - WooHoo! Woot!

HuiYi gave me a morning call at 8+am today. Cos the other day when we are talking, I suddenly told her that I would like to go to Brother Kai's cell group on Sunday. When she heard that, she was very happy. I do not know why, but I suddenly wanted to see how is Brother Kai's cell group like cos they are really very happy after transferring there.

I was late for about 10 minutes. I tried calling HuiYi but she did not pick up my call. Initally I thought that she had left without me, cos she told me not to be late. Luckily she did pick up my call in the end and meet up with me and we rush there quickly.

When I step into the house, I had no memories of Brother Kai and his cell group. But somehow I had a feeling that I have been here before. That is what happens, when you have a very bad memory. I then glance around the house and I saw alot of awards on his table. One of the awards, jolt my memory. It was then I realize that I came for make-up cell group before. I think twice? After that we then sat down and had a brief introduction of ourselves. Cos there are some other members from other cell groups that came for make-up cell group. I then try very hard and strike a conversation with a guy sitting beside me. Cos normally, if I am new in an enviornment, I won't make the first move to talk first. Normally I wait for people to come and talk to me(I guess W117 should know?)But HuiYi told me that I must try and mingle with people. So I took the first step to talk. Although I do not know what to say. Somehow, I find that it is not so difficult to talk to people after all. Maybe because the guy behaves like my style. Dare not talk much the first time seeing other people outside of your own cell group. We did not talk much but at least manage to say a few sentences.(Which I would normally get freak out talking to people whom I don't know for the first time)

The sermon for the day was very...touching and POWERFUL! Yes that is the word I am looking for! I felt that all the things he preach today, are what I am going through right now and alot of things that he said, touches my heart. The most amazing thing I find about Brother Kai is that, he seems to know that I am carrying grudges in my heart. He didn't say it to me directly, but he just speaks like that. He said that the Holy Spirit tells him that some of us are having grudges in our hearts(or something like that?)and he encourages us to let it go. Initally I was thinking,"Huh?! then what about that ^&$%^#?! I won't let him off just like that!"but I do not know why, no matter how revangful I am towards ZBR, I just leave it onto God's hands after Brother Kai's resurrance. But..Although I leave it at God's hands, when I let it go, I was thinking,"Okay! *%^& $%^ ZBR! I'll see how God deal with you!" But I know God won't let him die no matter how much I wanted him to. But I believe maybe God has other plans or ways to "punish" him. I think I just have to wait and see lor.

After the whole cell group meeting ends, HuiYi ask how I felt about the cell group and Brother Kai's peaching? I told her exactly how I felt. I now truly understands why they are so happy here. Brother Kai then came and talk to me and ask me how I feel about the cell group? I replied okay but told him that I had not been attending church and cell group for the past 3 weeks(How time flies). He then encourage me to come for another cell group meeting again next week but he said it's entirely up to me whether I wanted to come or not. Cos he don't want to sound like he's forcing me or whatever. He then chat with me for a little while to get to know about me. He then ask me have I recovered from my hurt? I replied that I had just recovered after hearing his peaching. He then sound very surprise when I told him that.

We then went for fellowship and I was very surprise how many people went for fellowship together after cell group. Sandy then try to talk to me more and keep hanging around me. A very nice and active sister in the cell group. After fellowship, we then bid the rest goodbye and I went out with HuiYi, WeiJing, Sandy and JingXian to chinatown. We went for window shopping and eat some desserts. I like the Almond dessert most! I regret not ordering that in the first place. After that one by one, they bid each other goodbye and I went to sit at a corner with HuiYi and copied one of her previous notes. After that we bid each other goodbye and I went to do some shopping before going home. Quite tired at the end of the day.

WooHoo DXO rox!

Yesterday night met HuiYi, Jing Xian, Wei Jing, Peng Yee and Ming Wei to go out for a walk. Went for late night shopping again. I didn't bought anything while some of them bought some jackets and clothes. HuiYi learnt about what happened to me and she talk to me about it. But no matter what, I cannot go back to church for now. Jonathan ignored me after he learnt what is my real reason for my absence from cell group and church. But I don't blame him.

After that I bid the rest of them goodbye while I send HuiYi to the MRT station a while later, cos we have a lot of things to talk. After that then I bid her goodbye and I meet up with *Eileen to go to DXO. While inside the DXO, Eileen complain that there are no crowds there. We then went to explore the rooms at DXO. Really not much people on Friday night. Hey! It's a Ladies' nite leh! Where are all the crowds gone to? Eileen then comment that maybe partly because of the World cup, so most of them could be either staying at home to watch soccer or at some places elsewhere. Haiz..stupid World Cup...but I cannot blame that there are not much crowds cos World Cup only shown once every 4 years. But I know where I can go and have my drinks to unwind on Fridays if I wanted to drink. Cos initally I thought that there is no clubs that operate ladies' nite on Fridays. Now I have found one! Haha! The music was good too! Just that there are not much crowds that's all. Haha! I know where to go drinking on Wednesday to Fridays! Yeh!

Sorry guys, now drinking is the only way for me to escape my problems. There are too much things happening around me which I could not say. There is nothing I could do to help too. After that I then bid Eileen goodbye and board NR home. But...coincidently, I saw Andrew in the bus with a girl beside him. Wah! Lied to me that he don't have any girlfriend. Or maybe the girl only appeared in his life only recently? Whatever it is, it's not my business. Haha! Cos we seldom contact nowadays. I then tease him that he never introduce his girlfriend to me? He then gave me a weak smile. After that I then bid them goodbye before I went home.

Spiritually dried...metally unstable...emontionally unwell

Finish my work quite fast again today. Cos I didn't realize that the paper is too thin and the cases are easy to do. Only two back-logs(Thank God!) Sitting infront to the monitor and staring at the screen.

I then browse through the internet to log on to CHC website. After browsing though the event's calandar, there is a event I would like to go but I need tickets to get in there. It falls on the 6th August 2006. It's a major event to me. I would like to participate but don't know if I could by then? Still have unresolve matter in my hands. Another hint: It'll take place at Kallang indoor stadium..and like I said, it's a major event to me and I guess especially CHC members?

Not feeling well again today. I thought I had recovered from fever but another sickness came to me. Compared with fever, I would rather suffer from fever than this! My colleague who sat next to my cabin ask if I am okay? She seem quite concern about me and she said that she notice that I am quite weak in my body nowadays. She suspect that it could be the diet fomula(that to this day, I am still taking it), cause the problem. Sad to say, because I have stop taking it for a while before taking it again a few days ago, alot of health problems came to me. My Mum insist me not to take anymore diet pills, fomulas etc. She said they are unless and will only do more harm to my body than good. When I am still working in Harbour Front, I remembered Ya Cin keep on complaining that I am not scared of cold and my body system that time is strong enough to keep me from getting sick(at least most of the time) but after taking it, my body system reverse. I keep falling ill to the extend that there was once I had to leave early cos I'm running very high fever which last for 2 days I think? Actually I keep ignoring their advises cos of the result that I can see that I am losing weight..but..sad to say, I gain back the weight that I have lost again :'( This is the bad side-effects of controlling your weight using medications. So far I had not tried slimming centres. Hmm..an old schoolmate from ITE of mine, tried a particular well-known slimming centre, she paid over $1000+ for the whole slimming program, but in the end it didn't work for her and she complained to my ex-consultant(Cos I didn't contact that consultant anymore)that she only manage to lose a tinnie winnie bit of weight with that slimming centre but in the end she gain back the weight she had took great efforts to lose and she's very angry with it.

Recently there's this erm..I duno how to say this in English. It's a kind of "lingerie" that claims that could slim the body down and slowly the curves of the body will show up if wear for long-term basis. The cost? $1600+++(For the most "cheapest") and up to $1800+++ to $3K+(For the most expensive). Initally I was thinking of saving up to buy that to try. But then again, I saw it in the news recently plus my Mum told me that one of her friend had bought that "lingerie" for $1000+(close to $2000..to be exact amount)to try on, not only that it didn't work for her, but because that clothing wrap the skin too tight and for prolong periods of time, her friend's body size didn't change but her skin condition worsen. Her friend then discard that "slimming lingerie" away. How true is it I do not know. But the news surely don't lie right? The reporters claim that some women, whose body could not accept to all these kinda changes, their skin became worst than before and because of the tight clothing that is wrap around their body for long term basis, certain parts of their body became swollen. I was shock when I see those pictures from the news! I then pray to God and feeling thankful that I don't have the money to buy that kinda stuff. I told my Mum while watching the news that I was thinking of buying if I save enough money one day. She said although she keep nagging me to save but I didn't, she is also thankful that I didn't have much money with me. She said if I do, I may be con by all these slimming stuffs. I then gave her this look (-_-")

Haiz..looks like it's going to take me a extremely long time for me to slim down. Cos..I have one weakness and temptation that I could never get rid of - The Love for Food! So..please? Don't tempt me with food :(

Very boring

Just recovered from high fever today. Yesterday when I came to work, an hour after I started work, I start to feel very cold. Initally I thought it was because of the air-condition that is on very cold. But usually it is switch it at the room tempreture.

After about another hour has pass, I began to feel very uncomfortable. I then felt my forehead a little "hot" and went over to ask a colleague to feel my forehead. She look at me with very big eyes after she felt my forehead and she said,"How come you are so hot?! Are you having a fever? You want to request to take MC?" I then ask for 2 tablets of panadols from her and luckily she has it. I then went to take a rest.

By the time I had knock off, I was feel extramely uncomfortable and find it difficult to breathe. Andrew called me yesterday night but hang up saying nothing cos I think maybe I sound sleepish to him. He called me at 2am in the morning. Actually I had already went to bed but I didn't want to sound like I just woke up..tried clearing my throat before speaking to him but he still can hear it though the phone that I have no energy to talk to him. So he hang up. Haiz...sianz...Next time I think I drink some water before answering the phone..maybe he won't be able to differenciate my "sleepish" voice then.

I then went to Orchard to meet Jia Xin to get the newspaper from her that I had requested. Bought Sun's both Albums cos I wanted the Diary. Very Bo liao right? I was thinking of selling one of the Albums cos I don't want to have two same Albums. Although it's just the cover difference. I just wanted the Diary. So if anyone wants to buy one of the CD you can buy it from me :P

After that I then went home and Sheryln lend me her jacket to wear. They instruct me not to eat rice and even porridge also cannot eat! Cos they said it contains "Rice" as long as the food contains "rice", I cannot comsume. Sianz...

I then prayed(after such a long long time)that I can get well by morning. Because I am still under one month probation, I am not allowed to take MCs. Luckily, The Lord has answered my prayer. I woke up slightly late today so I took a cab to work cos I don't want to be late. By the time I step out of the house it's already 8.00am in the morning! So you can guess if I were to take MRT or Bus to work, I'll definitely be late! He is indeed the Johovah Healer!(Or whatever the spelling). I had read it when I was working in a clinic before I found this job.

Saw in the news yesterday that a lorry had overturned at a road and the driver was injured. One look at the lorry and I know it's not his. I was thinking in my mind,"Why didn't that %^*#$%^ *$%^@#^ kena?!" How I wish that the lorry(That ZBR was driving) was badly crush and he was killed on the spot! But then again, he state on his friendster that he is working as Civil Servent right now. Huh?! A person who has police record can work in Civil Servent line meh? But he told me once before that he has a God-father who is working in the police force and could help him clear his blacklist. So even if the employer were to do background check on him, they would not find any police record on him. KNS! Nevermind, I'll wait! I'll make sure that you'll die before me ZBR! Be careful hor, one of these days when you cross the road, I hope a lorry knock you down! Don't ever let me see you alive!

Hmm..Guess I have to end here for now. Some times, I really wonder why, those people who done evil deeds could live such a long life while those kind souls(referring to some people to me when I was young) died early? Not fair!

Hmmmm.....

Recently my friends have been worried over my health. Jia Xin even said to me that she prefer the "Juliet" who eats alot but sleep lesser. Not the other way round. Cos recently my appetite has decrease and my intake of food is much lesser(I didn't even notice!). But I do sleep more now. More than 8 hours...I think now my current longest record for sleeping is 11 hours! But I do sleep more during my off days. Don't really have any appetite for food these days. Some times, I am really very hungry but after that I just take a few spoonfuls of food then I'll push the whole plate away. It's not that the food doesn't taste nice. It's just that I don't have the appetite to finish the whole food anymore. I remember the other day I scare my friends off when we meet together for dinner at Orchard Road. I just eat a few spoonfuls and I told my friends I am full and cannot eat anymore. Erm..don't worry lah..I guess I'll be back to "normal" as time passes by. Maybe it's just the disgustive system problem.

But looking on the bright side, It's also a very nice way to lose weight :-P Just finish my work at the office. Cos I rush through my work. That is why I said sometimes I regret finishing my assignments so soon. Cos I end up staring at the computer and doing nothing. Oh ya, talking about computer, I just went for eye check up with Jia Xin and Sheyln yesterday. The eye check up cost me about $30. The person said I have slight colur blindness and I am long-sighted. Strange..I always thought that I am short-sighted? But luckily she said I can have an option not to wear spects as my condition is still okay. Can choose not to wear spects. I don't like to wear spects. I remembered when I used to wear spects when I was in my primary school daze, I was nicknamed,"Pink Ranger"in school. -_-" Cos my spects fame was pink in colour and it was very big in size. The same as the power rangers "spects". I then took off my spects and never wear any spects again as I grow up. But sad to say, my vision has become more and more blur too.

I didn't sleep yesterday night. Cos I develope flu and it cause me very difficult to sleep. So I end up staying awake the whole night. So terrible! Then my stupid neighbour blasting music at 3am in the morning!!! KNS! I then blast Linkin Park CD songs back to my neighbour. Okay..I didn't on it too loud cos I scared to wake the neighbour upstairs. It's the neighbour downstairs that is "fighting" with me what for I let the upstairs neighbour suffer right? After 2 hours, I no longer hear his music. Liew! Last time I open techno and you quickly turn off your radio! Now I open Rock and you still on your music!? Nevermind, If I have money I go and buy Metal CD! Then I'll come back and "fight" with you again! Or I see which Rock band plays the loudest songs then I go and buy that and fight with you!(Cos He only plays pop music..English hits which I hate the most!)My God-brother used to teach me one thing. His idea was very interesting! He said, if I really wanna fight with my neighbour, go and get those charnting prayers that keep charnting the same tune non-stop and my neighbour will definitely off his music immediately. I find that very interesting. I used to have that in casette tape but I think I lost it when I shift house that time. But it's okay. That chant will only make me sleep. Cos it plays the same tune really non-stop.

After that I then get ready for work. Drank coffee to keep me awake for the rest of the day. I then found a watch on the table when I switch on the lights. Although the size is a little small but I still quite like it. I know who gave me but felt guilty that I never buy him anything.

I think I have to end here. Will blog again soon.

Who suggested this lame late-night shopping?

Yesterday's work was a tinnie winnie stressful cos when the new cases came out, some of it had problems. But luckily my supervisor ask me not to do those cases. Felt so stupid keep going to her to ask her this and that. Hmm..will try to be more independent as time goes by. I think I really need to wear glasses. Cos nowadays I cannot see the words clearly and alot of it are blur images to me. Don't have the time to go for eye check-up. I also wanna do color blind test altogether with eye check up. Anyone knows which clinic or which eye centre in Singapore do color blind test? If you came across it let me know? Thanks.

Went for shopping at Expo with Jia Xin and only manage to buy only one item. I wanted to look around more but she keep complaining that we are late in meeting Esther. So sad. Can't get to see other things.

Went for late night shopping with Jia Xin and Esther at Bugis. Walk past a crowd of soccer fans. But it's a country that I am not interested in. Germany with another country whom I forgot the name. I then saw on the board that two days later, will be England VS another country! Yeh! England go!!! Heard that Rooney will be playing in the World Cup. But I thought the news some time ago state that he won't be playing for 6 months? Cos of his injury. Well I guess maybe he has recovered and I do not know cos I have not been reading the news lately. Ronadino(duno is it the correct name?) is taken out from the world cup..at least I heard. Why?! I thought he's a strong player in the soccer team? How come that he's been taken out from world cup?! No..no..no..maybe they predict wrongly? I hope....Cos I always heard my God-brother sing praises about Ronadino whenever we talk about soccer. Ronadino is his favourite player. On New Year's Day he even showed me some slide shows on how Ronadino played in the soccer match. His skills are....wow! Superb! I can say. It's those skills that I can never ever get to learn. Cos I haven't master my basics yet :-(

Bought a spegettie strap shirt. Initally I wanted the brown colour but they don't have the size that I wanted. Jia Xin then pick out a purple colour spegettie strap shirt and it looks more nicer than the one I had my eyes on. Luckily it had the size that I wanted. Thanks JiaXin! Esther then ask,"Wow! Buy so sexy for what? Go chiong?" I then gave her a smile and she know what I meant. Long time didn't go le..miss the volkas there. But like I said, I don't like to go to the same clubbing place too long. I'll get bored easily. So far I like MOS and Zouk. Cos have alot of space to move around. Unlike Devil's Bar..I used to like Devil's Bar but when it's ladies nite, the room will be very crowded and there's no space for walking. I hate it! Especially space constrain..Haiz..The other time I happen to go to alamak chat, the chatters are talking about clubbing - my favourite topic. A guy then comment that MOS is for "Ginnas"("Kids" in hokkien) I was thinking," ** ***! Saying that I am Ginna lah!?" Felt a little insult, but he add a comment that he feels that MOS is the same as Sparks last time. Not much difference. Oh is it? I don't know. Only those regular chiongsters will know bah. Heard that there used to be a club called "Fire Disco" or something like that, that is more happening than that clubs now. Hmm..again I have no comments on that. Cos like I said, I don't know much about past clubs.

After we then went to window shop around and Jia Xin pass her things to me to carry as I suddenly felt strange not carrying any plastic bags. I thought I was carrying some plastic bags just now? Esther said it's my imagination. When I went home, I suddenly realize I forgot to return to her her plastic bag! -_-" So absent-minded. Help her to carry until I carried it home myself.

I think I'll end here for now. Sorry for the long blogging again...

Haha hee hee *Siao!*

I had finish the assignment given to me yesterday with a bit of OT. So I had nothing to do today. Some times, I really regret finishing my work too fast. Cos I will end up nothing to do for the rest of the hours. I pray that there will be a new case note for me the do later in the afternoon. If not I'll be bored for the rest of 3 hours at work! But some times, one of my supervisor will give me two stacks of paper at a time for me to do. Wah! Then I will take a very long time to finish it. Cos before typing we must write notes down on the paper before we can proceed typing.

Just got my pay today! Yeh! So happy! Cos I never expect that I can get paid so fast. I just work coming to two weeks only and my consultant told me I would only be paid after I served one full month of work. I didn't even work a month. Just a week plus! Okay lah..although the pay is not much but it can at least last me for another 3 weeks or so. Yeh! Dress-down day again today!(Friday). I love Fridays. Cos that is the only time I could wear Jeans to work. The problem is that, I have more Jeans than pants in my house so that is why I prefer Friday + weekends. But tomorrow have to work again for a few hours. I pray that I can at least do something...pray that there will be new cases coming in that can be done something about it. No back-log cases please!

Recently been feeling very down. Nowadays I am not used to not saying grace before eating. It's been a habit. Although I had left the house of God but...somehow I felt that a part of me still wants to be with Him. Just that there are some problems in my life that I cannot go back to Him. I don't for how long. I know that He doesn't like the current me but sorry Father, I won't forgive and I won't forget so easily. Let him off just like that after he done so much damage to me and my life? I must at least know and see that he gets he retributation! I hope to see him get life sentence in jail! Stupid ZBR! I'll make sure one day you'll pay for this!

Dreamt of her yesterday(my friends should know who). Don't know is it a nightmare or what? I dream that she has grown into a very pretty girl(chio bu!). I guess by then she should be 13 years old or slightly older than that. She was picking flowers in a very big garden. When I approach her, her back was facing me. She then turn around a look at me with the same eyes that she used to look at me as always. After that she walk towards me carrying a basket of flowers she has picked in her hands. She then ask me a question that made me cry. I don't know how to answer her question. After that she smiled and bid me goodbye, walking off with the basket of flowers that she carried. I wonder what that dream meant?

I think I'll end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

I want my revange! You'll pay for it Zamri Bin Rasheed!!!!

Yesterday work was very boring. Haiz..late for work too. But luckily my supervisor was kind enough to consider a half day leave for me although I am not entitled to. She give me a choice whether to come for work in the afternoon or to take 1 day leave instead. I choose to come to work although she told me that I won't be paid for that day..cos..late for work for duno how many hours. Haiz...

Receive a shocking SMS from Brother Eugune that YueMing's grandfather had passed away. When I receive the message, my first reaction was,"Huh?! How could it be?!"(I "huh" slightly loud in the office but luckily no one heard me) I then ask Brother Eugune for the address but little did I know that he SMS me the wrong address instead.

Met Nicholas, Jonathan and Jia Ling at night to go for the ceremony. On the way, Nicholas came over to ask me to share with him about my problem. I had shared almost everything about what has been going on with my life and I think he is shock that I am behaving in this manner and that is how I have been thinking. He didn't say anything but ask me to forgive the person. At that time, I was thinking,"You think I would?!" he then keep quiet for the rest of the day. Haiz..Nick..can don't be so scared of me or not? I know lah..I am sorry to scare you like that. It's my fault. Sorry Nick.

We then walk a very long way to get there cos of the wrong address. When we reach there, we then sat down with the cell group members. Not all of them turn up though. I then met a new girl named,"Faith". A very petite and friendly girl. I wanted to console YueMing but when I saw her, I do not know what to say. Haiz..don't know how come I am so dumb suddenly. We then ate and fellowship with one another. I just sit down and kept quiet throughout while the rest chat with each other. After that we went to pay respects to YueMing's grandfather and left the place.

Yue Ming then send me to the bus stop and while waiting for the bus, I then shared with her something and she told me exactly the same thing HuiYi told me the other day. She ask me to learnt to forgive(Ya wait long long). She said that she knows that it is very difficult but I must try and told me to put God above our problems and not among our problems. I did not put God among my problems but I put God beneathe my problems. Meaning my problems are on top of God. She told me that if I put God first and on top of my problems, God's grace will solve the problem automaticly. Oh yeah? But I don't think what I want and expect, God will help me. Especially it is something evil. I don't know but since she is in church longer than me and she is quite strong spiritually in God, maybe she'll know better. There are times, I felt ignored in the cell group. Sorry but I really don't know how to mingle with people. I am very scared that I will say things that offend people unknowingly. So that is why most of the time I tend to be very quiet.

I will see how things goes as time goes by...but I really wanna see him suffer! In Jail hopefully! Stupid ZBR! U KNS! #&*%@^ #&%^&@#! I hope you'll get your retributation soon! Not only from me..but from someone else!(Only I know who...)

I MUST GET MY REVANGE!!!! I WANNA SEE HIM DEAD!!!!!

Wow! This is the 2nd time I have been sleeping for almost the whole day. The first time I remembered I slept the longest is during a year on before and after National Day but I forgot which year was it. On National Day Eve night, I slept till the next morning after National Day..don't know how many hours I had slept. This morning when I came home, I sleep for 11 hours. Actually I woke up once at 10am after Andrew SMS me but went back to sleep again until 5.30pm my Mum woke me up and ask why I have been sleeping the whole day and she suspect that I've been going drinking last night. Haiyo! Even if I'm drunk I also won't sleep for so long lah! My friends complain that ever since I work in office I began to feel tired easily and that I have gained weight. So sad lor..Don't wish to see anybody now! Especially someone...

After that I then went to meet Jia Xin at 7+pm. She actually meet me at 6.30pm but I was late for an hour. When I reach there, SHE'S NOT THERE YET!!! KNS! What for asking me to meet at 6.30pm when you yourself also late for an hour plus huh?! Next time I know le! I won't come the time that you state!!!! I'll come 1 hour later!!!! %^&*$%^!!!!!

After that Esther and Lynn came later and we went to hang around. We then went to TCC to have a drink and sharing cakes to eat and we wish Jia Xing Happy Birthday. Jia Xin then ask is it that I won't be going to church permenently? I told her that I'll see about it. Cos alot of things have been happening and I have to stop going to church for a period of time. A few of the members are quite concern about me and asked what has been happening in my life? Sorry but I can't really say. One thing I could tell you guys is that, I am no longer fit to be in church anymore. I don't know when will I be back or I may not be coming back to church anymore. I don't know. I see how things goes. But...sorry to say, I'll definitely take my revange!!!! I WANT TO SEE HIM DEAD!!!! I had cursed him from the bottom of my heart that I wish him dead!!! with no place for burial!!!(Si wu zhang shen zi di!) I do not know how long it will take but I am willing to wait....for the day of his death! ZBR!!!! You think you are so great in ruining my life?! Fine! Since you do this kinda %^&$-up thingy! I'll make sure your life is living ^&$ for you!!!! I'll make you pay for this! I WANT YOU DEAD!!! Don't ever let me see you on the streets!!! I wish you die in a very horrible way!!! Even if he's not dead, I wish that he'll be sentence to life sentence if he is wanted by the police again! But, whenever I said this, Esther seems to be very scared..cos she knows my curses came true not only once, but twice. This is the third time. I wonder when will it come true?

For my church-mates, Sorry Guyz I think you all roughly had an idea why I suddenly seems to disappear? I had things to settle and there are alot of things going on in my life that I can't come back for now...I do not know when will I be back. Maybe temporary for a period of time or not at all. I'll see about it. In the meantime, don't worry about me. Please don't pray for me or anything that saying that I must forgive the person lah..or whatever! I won't forgive him..until the day he is Dead! I know that maybe you all don't understand what is going on and what has happened that I am so angry and murderous. I don't know how to explain to you guys and anyway, I don't wish to say. Maybe I'll come back after he's dead or jailed for life sentence!

For my friends who knows what has been going on, don't worry about me too. Esther, since you said that my curses came true twice before, I just take this time as a test to see if my curses really could came true as you had said it. If it really did, good! I wanna see that &^*$%^-#^%&*$ suffer!!! The best, DEAD! If not, then the previous two times could be a mere coincidence.

After that we then went home. Finally it's the first time of the night I could go home! Jia Xin took a taxi home while I took NR home.

Stupid life...

Today is another boring day for me. Don't know what the $%^ am I living for?! Finish my workload le. Actually there's a new case notes just came in. But very funny! Cannot be all the same type of stupid case mah!? WHOLE LIST OF UNNUMBERED CASE?! Must be error! Cos I have never do such cases before! WHOLE LIST unnumbered?! If a few items unnumbered I can understand but WHOLE LIST?! Siao bo?! Somemore I have never done that case before! WTH?!

Finally today is Friday! Yeh! Can dress down again! Yesterday went shopping with Jia Xin and Esther and they help me to choose clothes. But it's casual clothing. I have tried on some office clothing but it doesn't fit me. Bought over $50!? Wah! First time spending $50 plus on T-shirts!? But luckily it's not my own money. I use the voucher that is given to me from my friends. Thanks Guyz! Even though it's not my own money, but still I feel $50 plus for a few T-shirts is quite expensive. Or maybe it's because of the brand?

Yesterday Esther was very scared that I am so angry. I told her that if one day I were to murder someone(my friends should know who), don't be surprise. I want to see him DEAD!!! Or at least jail for life sentence!!!! Don't ever let me see you on the streets!!!! I'll definitely kill you if I had the chance!!! Mark my words!!!! My friends told me to ignore him. How could I?! When I told them the reason, Jia Xin then agreed with him on his words!!!!!!! Okay lor! Since you all see me as that way, then what for talking to me!? What for being my friends?! I don't need your Pity!!!!!!! Or empathy or whatsoever!!!! If it is really that way, then I rather be alone like I used to many years ago! I don't like and I don't want people to pity me!!!!!!!

Yesterday was the very first time Alphonsus Korkor don't have anything to say to me after so many years that we didn't met? Or was it something that I've said? Forget it Kor..just forget it. The Juliet meimei that you used to know is "dead". I can garentee you that the "me" that you are seeing now is not the same as before. I'm sorry for the changes Kor. But still I am sorry that I cannot and will not see you face-to-face anymore, even though that we haven't met for all these years. I don't want you to see the state I am in now and I really do not want to see your reaction. I am really very surprise that you've finally said what you have been hiding from me for so many years Kor. I am very disappointed. But it's all too late. Sorry...it's my fault. I have been too stupid to notice Kor. I should have known...Remember to invite me if you ever held your wedding with Da Sao okay? Even though I am like this, still I wanted to give the both of you my blessings personally. All the best in your future with Da Sao. Remember what you've promise me Kor. Sorry about the way I address you. It's been a habit and sorry that it's very hard for me to change the way I address you. Very difficult. Maybe...someday, I'll be able to change the way I address you, but not now.

Guess I have to end here now. Sorry for the BL blogging again. Bye Folks!