Depression

After seeing something on friendster, I am very upset and disappointed with myself. It's very difficult...really very difficult. My health is not in good condition these days. Don't know what to do and what to say. Sorry my friends, don't ask me to share about this. I really don't know how to share and I don't wish to share too. Alot of frightening scenes flashes though my mind these days...mostly all from my past. I had a feeling that I am going to have an emotional breakdown anytime.

Yesterday after work, while I was on my way to meet Esther, I cried for no reason. But I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I tried very hard to stop myself from crying. Luckily the tears stop just moments before I meet her. Problems at my workplace? No...there is no pressure in my working enviornment. Problems at home? Other than my parents are not talking to each other, there is nothing much happening at home. I do not know what is the cause that I am crying. But I feel very "xing ku" in my heart and emotionally. At home, the same old patterns keep on repeating and repeating. There are times, I wish that I could run away from home. Run away from everything and go to another place where I could be really alone. But my god-brother don't like me to run away from my problems. He wants me to face it. How can I face my problems when there is no way I can deal with it?

I don't like to go home...not until everything is settled at home. Cos when I reach home, I'll see the same thing happen. It has happened not once, not twice, but three times! At different stages of my life. Why? I am very tired of seeing this kinda patttern repeating at home. I think I had suffered enough from you! I don't wish to go though all this shit all over again in another way or whatever the crap! Wo shou gou le(I had enough)!!!!

Feel like smashing the mirror when I see myself in it. I hate everything! I hate myself! And PLEASE! Don't come and pity me or whatever the crap! I don't need that! I just don't like people to pity me! Just kindly leave me alone for a few months..maybe I'll be okay. I'm really very tired. Just tired..that's all. Don't wish to talk about it...Just find myself useless that's all. Can't do anything to my circumstances! Don't ask me to ignore it or what cos I CAN'T!!!