Yeh! Thank you thank you

Went to work today in the morning. Haiz...some times I really hate to wake up early in the morning to go to work. I slept quite late last night...close to 3am..cos reading the Bible..Erm..start all over again from Genesis...still stuck at Genesis. Then prayed a very short prayer before going to sleep. Didn't know that I read for so long?

A colleague sitting opposite my desk ask me out for lunch for the very first time. A few weeks ago, she saw me at the Pan-treen and started to chat with me. I don't quite like to talk to people whom I do not really know but since I see her everyday before and after work, I just chat with her just for being friendly. I then notice a small golden cross around her neck and ask if she belonged to any church? She replied that she is from an Angelic Church?(don't know how to spell) and she started to share God's word with me since she know that I am from church as well. I was surprise when she told me that she haven't got baptize yet. I don't wanna get baptize..sorry but I have my own reasons for doing this. When the time is really right, I will surely go but that would be quite a long time from now.

After lunch, I then went to the ladies. When I look into the mirror, I notice that the Temp pass that is hanging around my neck, was missing. I got panic and tried re-tracing my steps but I couldn't find it. I then ask the cleaners if they found a pass on the floor but none of them saw it. I was getting very worried but the Holy Spirit told me to calm down and the pass will be back in my hands very soon. Somehow after that, I am not so uneasy anymore..but rather I felt at ease. Still a little worried cos Ms.W said if anyone were to pick up my pass, the person could access to any part of the building with that pass. I was thinking,"Oh no!" When I report the matter to my supervisor, she said,"You have to wait for the Manager to come back and you have to make a report of loss. But you have to pay a certain amount for replacement" I was then very worried cos I don't have any money until my payday. Ms.W then went out with me to re-check the whole area that I might have miss. I then report to the security guard for my lost employee pass. He said he will inform me again if anyone were to happen to find it. I thank him and went back to work.

I then search the whole of my department office and the pan-treen cos I went to make a drink before that but still couldn't find it. I went back to my seat feeling disappointed and thought,"Haiz..forget it. Tomorrow report to Manager and see what he says". Right after I thought of that, a Indian lady who sat beside my cubicle ask,"Sorry Miss, Is this your pass?" I look at her and on her hand, IT WAS MY TEMP PASS! Immediately in my head, I was thinking,"Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Thank you Father!" I ask where did she found it and she said it's just right under her table. Both of us keep on wondering how did my pass end up under her table cos I never walk into her cubicle at all. But I am glad that the pass is now back in my hands :) Thank you Holy Spirit! :D

All of my colleagues in my department said that I am very lucky to have found back my pass and ask me to be very careful in future. Ms.W said,"Haiyo! You hor, always very blur de leh! When do you lost your pass you also don't know. Lucky you lost it within the office..if you lose it outside I don't think you can find it back so easily" Ya she's right. From now on I must be extremely careful of my things. I then went back to report to the security guard that I have found back my pass and he nod his head and said,"Praise the Lord!" I was surprise that he was a Christian too..he is also an Indian by the way. I then replied to him,"Ya! Praise the Lord!"and went back to my work. I don't think I am lucky. Just that I think it's God who found it for me :)

Haiz..gonna do overtime again tonight. Alot of cases still have not done yet and both of my colleagues have finish their work! -_-" I know lah..tease me again. Say my work easy to do! In the end you guys did finish first. Not fair!

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time :D

P.S: *Muackz* Love you Holy Spirit! :D :P

Deliverance

This afternoon I went to church. A special Guest speaker is there to minister and to do preaching about Deliverance. I heard from Bro that those with Emotional baggage and those who need inner healing should go for this service. I was curious so I went.

Lorraine then talk to HuiYi and me for awhile. After I went in for Service. During the Service, I was amaze of how the Preacher preach his word. Although he is quite fast in his preaching, but luckily I still could catch most of what he said. I was quite surprise of his preaching about the different kinds of spirit that is in our lives and how Demons processed us. As I never went to this kind inner healing before, I missed this service when I backslided last year. I didn't know what was about to take place and little did I know that I was totally NOT prepared for what it will be like. We then help to celebrate a sister's birthday.

I went to the Ladies' during the half-an-hour break that is given to us and quickly rush back to the service. After singing praise and worship, the pastor then called those who have Idols at home, to go forward. In my house, there is this big Guan Yin statue(My friends who have been to my place on CNY should have seen it)and I went out initially to pray for my parents and because of the statue. But...I did not expect it to be more than what I wanted to pray and ask for. A sister(her voice was deep and sound like a guy's)then lay hands on my head first and began to speak in tongues and prayed for me. I did not feel anything at first but a short while later, I began to cry uncontrollably. The sister did not push me to the ground but I felt something powerful occur then. I really don't know how to explain how I was feeling. I felt a very strong presence around me when the sister shouted,"In the name of Jesus, I command you to GET OUT! NOW! OUT OF HER! NOW!"It was at this point of time something made me fell to the ground. I fell onto the ground backwards and my head fell onto the ground hard but strangely I did not feel any pain.(Note that the ground was hard and with NO ONE to catch me behind)I then cried uncontrollably and alot of negative flashes of memorises began to run though my mind. I wanted to shout,"Go away!"but I couldn't but just keep on crying and crying. I heard alot of sisters shoutings around me and I felt scared. When I had recovered a little, I sit up and cry. The sister then comforts me and ask me to share what happened. I shared about hatred, bad memories and the Idols at home. She then prayed for me and again I cried. After I went back to my seat. Jonathan then suddenly shout and cry out loud. I was scared by how he behave as I never seen him like this before. We then prayed for him..as I was far from him, I just stretch out my hand as far as I can to reach him and speak in tongues to pray for him. The 2nd Altar call was for sexual immoraties or sexual abuse. I go for it again and this time, one of my CG member accompanied me. This....sorry I can't really share what was going through in my mind. Very shameful de. It has been torment me for 14 years! Imagine 14 years of pain and guilt...

This time 2 sisters then prayed for me. I did not cry but I keep coughing out something and I felt terrible..like something keeps wanting to get out from my body. I felt very "Xing Ku" as I keep coughing non-stop while one of the sisters keep on speaking in a very strong tongues very loudly beside me. Again I heard shoutings around me and I saw one of the sisters crawling on the ground with a terrible look on her face and another one keep on hitting on the sisters who prayed for her and almost rush towards the Pastor but was held down by 5 other sisters around her. I was scared by what I have seen. How come healing service is so scary? The sisters ended with the message that made me cry,"Remember God Loves you forever and accepts you. He wants you to let go of the terrible incident and wants you to forgive that guy who hurt you".

After that I then went home with HuiYi and the rest...I wanted to talk to HuiYi but MingWei keep on "Ba Zhan" HuiYi. I then walk behind them quietly until we bid MingWei goodbye. In the MRT I finally could say my apologies to HuiYi..

I think I have to end here for now. Have to wake up early tomorrow to go for the healing service again. Heard that the Pastor only comes once a year so I am going to take the oppunitity to get him to heal everything in my heart and life :)

Should I ever let go?

Feeling very confuse right now..Yesterday night, MingWei lecture me through MSN after SOMEONE told him about my blog! I don't mind that she told him about my blog and what I wrote inside there or whatever. I really don't mind. But I was extremely hurt by the things he said to me! He said alot of things to me and later ask me to go and think about it. I did not bother it and just log off the internet. But I cried the whole night after that. I did not really pray but in my head I was "talking" alot of things to God and asking Him tons and tons of questions. I then "stone" for the rest of the night. I dare not go back to sleep after crying out so much cos I know what will happen to my eyes if I were to do that. First time cried so badly while "talking" to God...

At work, my mind is going to burst as I see alot of cases not done piling up on my table. Stress! My supervisor then came and said,"Errr...Juliet, you still have so many cases not done yet right? Nevermind lah..I give Mr.S to do the things for today so you and Ms.W don't need to do lah hor?" I smiled at her and in my mind I was wondering,"Huh? Very funny leh. Where got such things as no need to do the work for today? Then if we don't need to do? When are we gonna do?" Plus she told me maybe...just maybe, Monday there will be NO cases coming in. When I heard that I was like,"Duh...dot dot dot dot dot dot" but I guess it's a blessing in disguise as I already "burned" most of my brain cells doing the work. I then prayed a silent "thank you" prayer to God. Maybe He knows that I couldn't handle it anymore? Thought someone said that God won't answer my prayers lor?(I really didn't pray for this to happen)

Finally finish the KNS case list to submit to my supervisor. I called it KNS cos it really hor..wasted alot of my time to do those cases! My work is still not done yet leh! 5 cases piling up my table..then Ms.W only have 3 cases! She then tease me and ask me to complete it faster. She said,"Eh! You know? Your case are the most easiest leh! We need to do alot of checking you know? Yours just can straight-away do it!" Ya lor, ya lor...say as if so easy! Then why the other time I just straight-away do it and kena scolding from the Managers? Easy? Ya right! Wait long long! Still cracking my head to solve the cases. Dare not give too much numbers or else if the Managers were to check and spot a number from the system that I didn't notice(mostly is that I couldn't find lah..but don't know how they manage to find it), I am the one who is going to get scolded.

After work, I quickly rush out and say a quick goodbye to Ms.W. She said,"Eh? Left so early today? Go where and chiong?" I then give her this look -_-" and said,"Going for CG lah. Running late le" She then stare at me with her eyes wide and said,"Again?! Haiz..always CG CG..go lah go lah" I then bid her a quick good-bye and rush to the MRT station. Lorraine called me when I had left the office 10 minutes later? She then comment that she pick the right timing to called me. Ya..haha! Actually now anyone can call me anytime. Cos now that I work in the office(my contract going to expire in a few months time), I can pick up calls anytime or SMS. Not like when I was in a retail line. Can't pick up call, can't SMS! Sianz! I hate that! Worst still is when my phone vibrates and when it stop, if I check on my hp and it only states,"MISSED CALLS: PRIVATE NUMBER" I will go crazy! Cos I do not know whose call I have miss if the person called me using either a private number or from payphone. Then hor, the MOST FUNNIEST part is, people don't seems to know that there is VOICEMAIL service in my hp. So can leave voice messages if I am unable to pick up your call. I purposely subscribe this service especially for those who use private numbers or payphone to call me - Please leave your voice messages lah! By the way, my greeting messages changes monthly or as and when I like it. It is very simple...if you called me and didn't hang up, you will hear either Chinese, English or techno music played at the end(that is if you continue to hold on and didn't immediate hang up when I didn't pick up your call)at the end of the music, you will hear a "Toot" sound. That is WHEN you can LEAVE YOUR VOICE MESSAGES! -_-""" <-- faints. So far, Lorraine is the ONLY ONE who knows how to leave voice messages to my hp when I didn't pick up the call. Other times, when I play back my voicemail, I only can hear background sounds with the person's breathing -_-" How am I going to know who called me when you don't leave your voice message? Worst still you called from a number either I am not familiar with or from payphone/private phone and didn't leave any voice messages? Please please please..if you called me and for some reason I am unable to pick up your call, Please please please have the patience to hold on till the end of the music + "toot" sound and SAY YOUR MESSAGE after the music+"Toot" sound okay?(Haiz..still need me to teach you all these things?)
When I reach Kallang, I was 15 minutes earlier than the agreed time. (O.o) first time arriving so early..a bit not used to it cos I am always late for meetings. JingXian then saw me and said he was surprise to see me first, for the very first time arriving so early to wait for people. I then smiled at him. After that when Lorraine came, we head for Macdonald's and she ordered food and sit and chat with me. Strangely, her words are ALWAYS very encouraging. Not like some people..only know how to pull me down to the bottom(I don't wish to mention who are those people..can name quite a few)Very surprise to hear her saying that she used to be very negative. Hmm..maybe I must learn from her how can she take things so lightly and to see things as positive as possible?(I admired her for this!)or maybe that I am more towards the emotional/negative side?

After that we rush to Bro.Khai's place. On the way there, Lorraine suddenly comment something that surprise me! I then probe her and ask who told her and so far who knows about it? She said it's the Holy Spirit..(Ya right) She then said,"Only those who need to know, knows about it"Until now, her this sentence still sticks in my mind..only those who need to know, know about it? Who are those who need to know??? I then began to suspect people. And I roughly know who is it who tell(But it's just my guessing..don't know is it HER?) cos after I ask someone and she said it's not her, then I think I know who is the one who tell. I pray that this won't spread to Bro or worst...Him(Ahem!). I don't wish to know his reaction but now I have to tip-toe around cos I can't handle it and I don't know how will he react if he knows about this. Lorraine ask me to tell Bro about it. What?! Tell him? Er....er....but I am scared lah. Can I just keep quiet and pretend nothing has happened?

I find it very funny, everytime when Bro.Khai has something to preach, the sermons seems to be talking about me or pointing towards me? It is like...when there is something going on in my life, whether or not I prayed for it, whenever I go to CGM, Bro always preach the sermons that is reflecting about me and what I am going through. It's like...the timing is...eerie...VERY eerie! It happened when I FIRST step into Bro.Khai's CG for make-up CG when I was still with W117 that time. I remembered very clearly that his preaching made me cry very badly on the spot. But I don't remember whether he has lay hands on me that time to pray for me. I totally forgot. The 2nd time it touches me was when I request HuiYi to bring me to her CG to see. His sermon collide with what is going on in my feelings - hatred for ZBR! He ask to let go of that hatred. After that, when I went back for CGM each time, although a different message was preach but somehow or another, it always seems to end up touching me or pointing at me. So scary! First time I have seen a leader so powerful and so...anionted?(Is that the spelling?)

I had a very bad feeling for today's semon. It is - Yes, pointing at me again! About Valleys of life. There is one sentence that Bro said, made me look at him with narrowed eyes. He said,"Suicide is NOT a good solution to TEMPOARY situation!"In my mind, I was asking,"What if the hurt gets too deep and seems too great for me to handle? What if...this this this..that that that..(cannot state..sorry)"He then state about the 5 Facts about the Valleys we need to remember when we go through tough times and the 4 must-do things if we go though valleys in life. At certain point, I really feel that Bro is talking about me..and it is also at that time, somebody in the CG shout,"Amen!"soooo loudly! I mean obviously loudly. It is as if he was telling me,"Yo! Hear that? Bro is talking about you"(Okay okay..I think too much). At the end of the message, he answers ALL the questions in my mind in only ONE answer - That is, All problems, will NOT last(Amen and Thank God for that!). I have doubt about a thing that he mention - Whatever you forcus on, you'll be drawn to it. Oh really? I would like to try that someday. But now my forcus is on somebody whom I miss very much(HuiYi should know who..and only she knows. Other than a few of my close friends..not "Ahem")

After that I then argued with HuiYi over something and went to the balcony to cry. The stone I was stepping on was not stable and I didn't realise it. Almost fall off the balcony cos I didn't balance myself well, but luckily the ledge was high enough for me to support. Nice view of the night from the balcony. Lorraine then called me out twice and I quickly wipe the tears off before answering her.

We then left Bro's place and went home. Lorraine then walk me to the MRT station. On the way, I am thinking should I go for some drinks? But then after some consideration, I didn't go in the end but went straight home. Chat with my god-brother for awhile before going off to sleep.

Think I have to end here too. Will blog again next time

KNS

Work is very stressful! Then there is this new case that came in with all the old and new codes. Luckily my supervisor was kind enough to teach us what the new codes mean and what we can do about it. Wah! alot of checking and work to be done! Haiz...stress! Suddenly feel like my work is more like taking exams. They teach you first, you studied it or you try it on your own, then they will bomb you with the previous work plus new work load! Ahhhhh! Going crazy soon!!! The worst part is my colleagues ALL says that my workload is easier than theirs and they are quite jealous. Some smile at me while saying this while some show me black face with that kinda why-is-your-cases-so-easy kinda look! Easy meh?! On the surface it looks so easy lah! But when I do the cases, until now I haven't settle my old cases and now come two new ones! Extra workload leh! While those who claim that their cases needs to do alot of checking and that it is hard, funny leh! Finish FASTER than me! KNS! Shuo Pi Hua! Still say wanna swop cases with me.

Prayed yesterday night(or the night before???)alot of things but I was disappointed that I only spend 5 minutes despite that I talk alot things to God. Or maybe is it that I rush though my prayer? Haiz..so disappointed with that timing. Disappointed with myself too. Then for the rest of the night I "stone" at home. I am very good at stoning? Now then I realize? Miss some people in my life very much but I must face the reality that they are gone forever in my life and may never ever come back again. Haiz...No use thinking about it.

Yeh! It's the seventh month in the chinese lunar calandar! Been looking forward to this day very much! Okay okay! Don't give me those whierd looks can? I know there are the hand-down-traditional rules to abide but sorry to say, I am not going to abide by it! HuiYi, MingWei, JingXian, WeiJing and Samuel are quite disappointed that I carried something in my wallet with me. But sorry to say, I have been carrying it for quite a long time. Anyway I was kinda "forced" to carry it. Cos my Mum says it will protect me safe especially from the "evil" ones. Anyway I carry for another purpose...that is to keep my eyes "shut" from seeing things. I used to see some "things" when I was younger. Not once, not twice but more than 3 times. Each time I "saw" it I will scared to death! But that was a very long long time ago. I didn't see it as I grow up. But I promise them that I will not carry it -_-" Haiz...HuiYi said,"God the Father will protect you! I don't wanna see such things in your wallet!" MingWei carry more than me lor! She never say anything!(He showed it to me) :'-(

On the way home, I saw alot of people burning offerings. Didn't know it's the first day of the seventh month already! No wonder my mother sound very stern and urgent tonight. I knock off close to 8pm today cos I have alot of work to clear and my Mum called me to ask me to go back home earlier(her tone was somewhat urgent and worried) I was thinking of working till 9 - 10pm at night(by that time I would be alone in the office)cos I really have alot of work haven't clear up. I am worried that new cases might be flooding in. Haiz..

There's one action I would like to try. I heard that you could immediately "see" them that way. It was featured in ghost movies and a few people have tried it and claim that it works! But I don't dare to try...takes alot of guts. And I am afraid that the "third eye" will open and won't shut it off. Although I would like to see my late-grandparents but still I don't dare to try. Anyway even if I could see them, I wouldn't understand a word of what they are saying. My Grandfather is Hokkien(I only understand simple hokkien)and my Grandmother is Teochew. So if their language is very proficent, I won't understand a word of what they are saying(If I could ever hear or see them..that is)

Oh ya, there are really some things that I must warn all of you if you are walking alone at night(even in the evenings). If you hear someone calling you from your back, DON'T ever turn back! If you want, I heard that you must turn your WHOLE body around. If not, 1)You will get a mystrious slap on your face 2)One of your "fire" will burn out. If all three fires are burn out, you can say goodbye to your soul. I did turn back once at night on a year at the seventh month as I heard someone calling my name but when I answered and turn my head behind, no one is there. I then felt the hairs of my arms stands. That voice was very familiar and sounded like one of my friend's. That is why I turn back, but so far nothing happened. I was absolutely sure that I am not imagining things! I really heard it! Which is the MAIN REASON why from then on I jumped whenever people call me from behind or tap my shoulders from behind! So please..my friends, DON'T ever approach me from my back be it the seventh month or not!

This is the most common thing you will hear people spreading during the seventh month: Don't ever go swimming. The reason? Be it day or night, I am sure a few years ago you would have heard some swimmers being drown for no reason? It is especially strange when they are Gold medal swimmers or expert swimmers as I would like to call it, got drowned for no reason. That is because, the spirits that are lurking in the water, are looking for "subsitutes" for their departure. So those swimmers who went to swim at night or especially on this time of the month, if you feel something tag at your feet or any other parts of your body, retreat to the shore immediately or...erm..you know?

Haiz...I think after this I am going to get lecture from people already. But sorry to say I am a person that is "Ling Ke Xing Qi You..Bu Ke Xing Qi Wu" that kinda person. Meaning I rather believe it than to doubt it...especially it is "handed-down-advice" from the elders..and one more thing that I must tell my friends, if you all ever see me staring at something or suddenly turn to look at something that is not there with my eyes wide and keeping quiet, please don't ever ask me what did I see(there are a few times I could see "things" from the corners of my eyes)but I do hope that it IS my imagination!

I think I end here for now. Will blog again some time...

Thank you....

This afternoon I was late again in meeting HuiYi and the rest of the group. When they told me to meet at Foyer 3, I was like,"Huh? Where is Foyer 3?" It was then I realize Foyer 3 is Expo hall 8. -_-" Next time Expo hall 8 say Expo hall 8 lah..don't tell me what Foyer 3 lah Foyer what lah..I am very blur at these things you know? Initally I was queuing up but I called the rest and they said someone has queued for us and no need to queue le -_-" feel so stupid...who is the one who ask me to queue in the first place huh?

I then went to sit with MingWei and the rest. Someone look very handsome today...yesterday at CG look very cute. Oops! Okay okay..don't say le. I think people buay ta han me saying this. Sorry! MingWei then purposely indirectly tease me about him. I was thinking,"KNS lah! I know I can't go near him and I can't do what you can do to him! Don't suan me already lah!" Those who know about this, give me some signals which I don't know what do they mean.(Those who know who is he...erm..please..don't tag at the tagboard hor). WeiJing then keep calling me "Wu Jian Dao" cos I was wearing a long black jacket that the ends touch my lower thighs. I was wearing the tube top that I bought the other day with my friends so I use that jacket to cover. Sandy said that I look like business woman wearing that jacket.

The service was great but it talk mostly about marriages which I am not comfortable about. Anyway, marriage is not within my dictionary. There are some things that the Pastor preach, made me cry. I cry NOT because that the sermon was touching. I cried cos I regretted what I had done when I was younger(A few of my friends should know what is going on..but...Shhh..okay?).

After service, HuiYi ask,"So how? The sermon very powerful right? You feel great?" I shake my head at her and she ask why? I signal to her that I'll explain to her later cos I don't want others to ear-drop my words. After that when we manage to get out of the building, I then explain to HuiYi why I am not suitable to listen to the sermon and she ask me to put my past behind. But still...there are some things I can't let go off(HuiYi should know what is the "some things").

After that Lorraine came and talk to me and ask me how do I feel about the sermon today? I told her the same thing and she ask me to share with her. She thought that I meant that I couldn't let go of the friendship between me and Al. Actually I meant something else which only HuiYi knows. Dare not share with too many people. But I think she agar-agar guess correctly. She then spend some time comforting me and tell me alot of things which I don't know how to explain. Her words really touches me alot. When we reach to the coffeeshop, she is still talking non-stop trying to comfort me but she made me cry instead. I cry cos some words that she says, really reflects on my past. I think she doesn't know but I don't want her to know too. I rather that she misunderstood than to be known cos it's a very shameful past de...cannot reveal too much. She then told me that although I just told her part of it, she try to figure it out what "my jigjaw puzzle was". She don't want me to stay in the bitter water forever and die there. She told me that nice things are just 8km ahead from where I am stuck now. After she talks to me, I remembered something YueMing shared with me a very long time ago. She said if a person is very sharp in their spiritual, they will not say things like,"I don't know what you are upset about but I'll still pray for you". Instead, they will directly pierce through the problems that you have like a double-edges sword! Lorraine unknowingly pierce through the problems I am still stuck with! and it is not for months(she thought I am stuck with my problems for months)when in fact, I have stuck with the SAME problem for years!!!

After that I went to have dinner with a few of the CG members and rush to my 2nd Uncle's place. Initally wanted to take a taxi there but HuiYi ask where am I going and when I told her the address, she said,"It's just right behind my block!" So coincidence! Or maybe I am not being observant enough to the surroundings near her place..didn't know that my Uncle's place is just right around the corner opposite HuiYi's block. Walk with HuiYi and LiYi and went to my Uncle's place. When I reach there, I was surprise that all of my Uncles(except for my youngest Uncle)were all there. When they heard that I just came back from church, they nag at me alot of religious stuff! Argh! Should have keep my mouth shut! One of my cousins have just returned from Thailand and I was shock at his complexion and hairstyle!!!! Argh!!!!! So....!!!! Argh! Don't wish to say too direct! I was thinking,"Oh no!" I then told my Aunti that during the chinese new year, some of my friends who saw my cousin compliment that my cousin look very handsome. Which by the way, he is also the most handsome guy in our family(My Mum's side)and he is still single and available..Haha! Really feel like splashing whitening cream all over him!!! Cos I am really not used to seeing him so dark and definitely NOT with that kinda hairstyle!!! Ahhh! What happen to you?! Go one trip to thailand and become like that?! My Mum then nag me for being too straight-forward. I am like that! Whether you like it or not!

We chat alot of things and my Uncles keep asking me to eat but I don't want to. Talk to me alot of "Ren Shen Dao Li". We then went home in the wee hours of the morning but I am still not tired yet..but still gonna turn to bed soon as I have to wake up very early to go to church again for the 2nd sermon. Jia Xing started to misunderstand me on this part! Don't wish to explain to her further! She don't understand anyway! Forget it! Lan Duo explain! Don't understand then forget it! Don't come and splash cold water on me!!!

Got to end here now. Will blog again maybe some time....

.................

Haiz...So strange...or is it that my actions are too obvious? How come some of my "friends" whom I didn't tell them who is the guy I like, they seems to guess correctly? This evening went to meet HuiYi for CGM, JingXian also guess very correctly who the guy was. Alamak! Siao liao! I then ask,"Who told you?" He stare at me with big eyes and said,"Nobody. You admit it on your own now. I just anyhow guess de" -_-" Don't know where to hide my face le!

During CGM, I actually had something to share for the testimony but don't know why my mind become blank all of a sudden(it is NOT because of him okay?!). I couldn't seem to remember. I only suddenly remembered it when it was Lorraine's turn to share. But I didn't dare to raise my hand to tell Bro.Kai that I have testimonial to share. Siao mah! Out of nowhere suddenly *pop* one new testimonial come out. Pai seh lah..so I just keep quiet. I wanted to share about the healing thing that occur last Sunday but like I said, NO ONE will believe me de! Cos it is really amazingly, miraclely healed! Anyway I don't want all eyes to stare at me when I am sharing testimonials..makes me feel very pai seh...especially if *Ahem* were to stare at me too.(Those who know who the *Ahem* I am referring to hor? Erm..u know? Keep to yourselves. You know, I know except he don't know..YET).

After that we pray in tongues but I had difficulty praying. Maybe because that I never speak in tongues for quite a long period of time so when Bro.Kai ask to pray in tongues for a Looonnnnggg while, I get "tired" easily. But although that happens, I almost finally get the "heaven" feeling back. Those images. Very difficult to explain to anyone. I guess those who "encounter"God while praying before should know how I feel and what I mean by that.

After the whole thing, I went home with HuiYi and the rest. A guy called Sheng Wei??? Don't know his exact name, came and chat with me about work. Cool! Seldom have people like to talk to me about work. He wish me all the best in my job and ask me to look for a permanent job at the same time. I wish too...but..only can leave it to God to provide for me. He's our provider! Amen?(Siao! Amen to myself..-_-")

Was chatting with Al through msn just now. He ask,"You don't feel sad that I didn't end up with you?" It's too late to be sad. That's what happens when you don't treasure the things God provide for you. God will take it away from you..(I know He won't do that but that's how I feel) anyway I don't wish to think about him. Although I keep changing "targets" but if seriously speaking, most likely I will end up with myself. Cos there are some things I just can't break free from no matter how and what.

HuiYi told me before a very long time ago, not to be guilty about my past. It's not only the guilt that ties me down. It's my past mistakes and stupid senseless decisions that made me what I become now. Although I am not at fault entirely but still, part of it is my fault. I don't know how to explain. I just can't break free from my past..FULL STOP. Bro Kai preach something about the bitter water and wonderful things are just a few more kilometers ahead. If we just carry on walking and don't give up, we'll find much more wonderful things that God has in stored for us or that we almost miss it. I don't know what does me meant by that but sorry to say, no matter what he says, I'll still stuck and die in the bitter water cos....come on, this WORLD is CRUEL and too REALISIC!!! His preaching sure encourage me alot BUT still I told myself,"Come on lah! Wake up can or not? The world is pre-justice! No money, no talk. Together with some other things which I really cannot state it here. Because of those things that I cannot let go off and cannot forgive myself of, that is why I am still stuck in the bitter water. Unless of course miracle happens that people are really willingingly to accept my past. Then maybe it's a different story(I refer mostly to the guys)

I think I'll end here for now. Really tired now after a long day...Will update again..

Worried

Work started to be more and more stressful....why hire me in the first place if you are out there to BACKSTAB me and keep on picking on me!? Haiz..I guess that's work life..Alot of office politics going on recently and I am unknowingly dragged into it! Ms.W then said that I am lucky that my supervisor didn't report me to the Manager or else I'll be "dead"! Ya lor..thinking about it, she's right. There are some mistakes that I did, instead of reporting it to the Manager, she directly confront me and correct my mistakes. I must really thank her for it.

I am feeling okay before lunch time but after that, I have mix feelings. I am worried and angry at the same time! My supervisor warn me that she accidentally overheard one of the departments backstab me behind my back yesterday and ask me to be extra careful next time. I really really appreciate it that she come and tell me about it. She then complain to Ms.W and me that she is being "bullied" in the office by the Managers. I pity her but at the same time, I am very angry that my Managers are too much! Really feel like punching them on the face but in reality I know I can't do that. I must torlerate whatever that is being done or said to me. Jia Xin warn me before that if I were to choose to work in an office environment, be prepared for these things to happen. She is more experienced than me in office line. By the way, my supervisor is a Christian. Maybe that explains why she is so nice in the first place(Most Christians are nice people). Haiz...alot of things I must pray later before going to bed. I'll say a prayer for her too. She really helps me alot in my work but sad to say, she is poor in her health(She take leaves most of the time to go for operation or to the hospital). At work, I usually give her the I-don't-care-about-you look. But whenever I went back home, I always worried about her. Just that in front of her I don't wish to show it out and fake a smile in office everyday. Even if I wanted to ask about her health, I always get Ms.W to ask for me cos I don't want her to think that I am being nosy. But she is getting on in age(if u get what I mean..dun wish to say too direct), and her health weakens. She is the only person in the office that treats me very nice. The rest are just hypocrites!

I then went to her about a case and she need me to accompany her to retrieve the file to do my work. On the way there, she again warn me to becareful of the people in the office. She said she is getting very tired of people faking smiles to her(Am I include?). She then ask me what am I going to do once my contract expires? I told her that I didn't plan it yet. She ask me to plan my future now cos they may "chop" me off anytime since I am on contract basis. She said that in office, people may smile at you infront but behind your back, said alot of bad stuff about you. She hates these kinda people. I hate it too and I know who are those who backstab me now. Just that I don't wish to say or complain. Chat lesser to them then I think everything will be fine. Now then I know that the ugly girl who sat opposite me is actually one of the Managers! KNS! Haiz..never judge a book by it's cover! See her so innocent and act blur but she is also one of them who backstab me!(Just learnt about this today). Manager somemore! Pui! She then said for the previous notes, if I were to be questioned, she can stood up and defend for me cos I am following the guide to do. Since they too(The Managers) have no confident to do the job why blame it all on me? I smile at her but in my mind I was doubting her. Is she really going to stand up for me if that were to really happen? I think I will answer it for myself and I don't need her to answer for me. Since I am the one who do the job, then I will do the explaining myself. KNS! This work is getting more complicated than I have imagined.

I think I have to end here. Just have to take a step at a time from now to see how things goes. The new work is really getting more and more difficult to do and I will definitely be aimed for mistakes! Stupid *****!

Sunday?

I woke up late on Sunday after HuiYi called me. After I manage to meet her, she nag at me for being late and explain to me why I must be punctual to church. The things that she said, left me utterly confuse. How come she never explain this to me before when she had Bible study with me? Yes she did said something about my lateness but something that she said that day made me very confuse.

After we reach church, we manage to get a seat though the Ushers. The service was okay that day cos seriously speaking, I don't understand what is the Pastor talking about at all. But I like the ending part cos that's the part he called for physical healing. I had a terrible pain in my upper gums that pains me for close to a month! I never seek for healing or for people to pray for me cos I think that it was go off by itself someday. But I prayed for others who stood up to ask for people to pray for them to get healed. I didn't notice that the pain is no longer there and my gums is COMPLETELY HEALED AMAZINGLY until I walk out of the church. Cos I only feel pain whenever I accidentally lick my upper gums with my tongue. Strangely enough, I don't feel any pain and the blister(I think?)is no longer there when I touch it with the tip of my tongue. I only told this to HuiYi but dare not share with too many people in case they call me "Siao!" But it's true! And it's something that I don't know how to explain! It just healed like that! There are more than a dozen of people going forward to share their testimonials of how they are getting healed by the power of God(Or rather by the Holy Spirit?). There are a few people who got healed that made me cry. Cos I was touched by God's love and healing. Imagine one month of pain and it just healed and the pain is gone just the snap of the fingers! He's Amazing and awesome!

After service, I went for lunch with HuiYi and accompany her to Tampines before going home to watch VCD. Cos still have some time to pass and my friends don't know what time they'll be meeting me. I really really really really hate it hor, when people don't pick up my calls and don't reply my SMS! If you are sleeping, working or in the showers(or in Service/cell groups) and cannot answer the phone, I accept your reason but other than that, I'll be very impatient! Feel like taking their handphones and throw in the water! Cos I find it extremely ridiculous when it is MORE THAN ONE PERSON NOT PICKING UP MY CALL AND NOT REPLYING TO MY SMS!!! Don't ever ask me why didn't I pick up your call or reply your SMS next time!!!(You all should know who you are!!!)Cos you guys should know the reason WHY! And somebody still can ask me when I finally meet them,"Huh? You got SMS me meh? I never receive!" KNS!!! WTH man!!!! Sorry lor! I don't remember that I key in your number wrongly lor and it cannot be wrong as I send SMS to you by scolling down to your name in my phonebook(hp phonebook) and sent it to you de lor!!!! HuiYi saw me keying in a hp number and call just like that and she was surprise and ask,"Wah! You can remember your friend's number by heart?" Erm..so far I only remember only 1 person's number so even if I close my eyes I still can dial her number on my keypad. As for the rest, I don't remember at all. Next time, I know le! I won't do the calling and I won't SMS ever again! I will be like Jia Xin..Lan Duo SMS!(Lazy to SMS). Cos since I call you all don't answer and I SMS you all don't even bother to reply hor, then forget it! Next time I won't bother to even SMS you all...save my SMS money!!!!

After that we went to Far East Plaza to shop around and I bought a tube top. Very heartache..cost $28+. After that we then went to look for Sylvia and went out together till very late at night. Meet Eric together for late-night supper too. He then told me something that guys want girls to process and after I heard it, I was thinking,"I think I should give up on that guy le. Anyway I don't have the qualities that attracts a guy anyway. So I can just forget it". We then went to shop around and I bought some clothes from Samuel&Kelvin. Wah! Spend so much money today! KNS!

As it was getting very late at night, Eric then send my friends and me home. Feeling very tired and unhappy....

Friday + Saturday

On Friday, HuiYi called to ask me if I wanted to join her for fellowship? There was no cell group on that day but some of them organise to go out for a movie session that day. I then went to shop around at Tiong Bahru Plaza as they are meeting me at 6pm in the evening. Haiz..so much time to pass.

When I went up to the top level of the arcade, I saw some girls crowding around the ParaPara 2nd Mix machine. The funny thing is that they wear the SAME spegettie stap top but in different colours. There is a girl who dress in red spegettie stap top that caught my eyes with her tattoos. From the looks of her tattoos, it doesn't seem like they are fake. On her left back, it was a Goat's head with red eyes(Devilish looking). On the right was a scropion(is it spelt this way?). Wow! If the both tattoos are real, then she is very capable of enduring pain. All of them look quite young. Around 15 or 16years old. I think she is not happy that I keep looking at her as she keep staring at me through the window. When she keep touching her hair with her fingers, I saw some tattoo wordings on some of her fingers too. At that moment I thought to myself,"Wah liew! An ni lian!"(Wah liew! So lian!) After a while, she was not very happy and came out from the arcade to stare at me but my eyes are fix to the machine. Anyway I don't wish to look at her after she came out from the arcade in case she said to me,"Kuah si mi?!"(What are you looking at?). I really don't wish to look for trouble by fighting with her unnecessarily. One thing is that I am out-numbered the main reason is....She isn't related to me and she didn't offend me why should I pick a fight with her? Unless she offend me lah...then even if I am out-numbered I will still pick fight with her.

After they had finish playing, they left but the red girl keep staring at me as they leave. This time I stare at her too but they didn't do anything to me. KNS! Bo Liao ah?! After that I then went in to play the machine. When I played, there's two girls dress in Uniforms(I think it's ACS)watch me play.(liew! Siam leh!) At least not so bad...cos they look at me through the window where I stood just now. But....I don't know where did this another girl came from, she stood very near beside me. I tend to play v.rough in ParaPara games so please don't ever stand beside me if I am playing..if I hit you accidently it's none of my business! At around the 3rd stage, the "Ah Lians" came back again and watch me play together with the two school girls outside. The girl(who is in red)then came in the arcade and stood beside me with the girl...when the girl saw her, she quickly walk away. Hmmm? TB Da jie huh? K lor..but I can't look at her cos..I am still playing the games! But she only stood there are a while before she went off with her friends. Bo Liao! Come in to see my face then walk off! -_-" SBBL!!!!

After the game, I then went to meet HuiYi, MingWei, WeiJing, JingXian, Ming Zhe and one other guy(whom I forgot the name)for movie. At first I was reluctant to watch the movie as I don't like to watch those kinda "Ancient" English movies. But to my surprise the movie was quite comedy in alot of areas. Made me laugh till pengz! The audience that I watch with are quite cool too. We clap in unison at certain scenes, laugh out loud at the same scenes too. Laugh till tears...Very funny thinking about it!

After the movie, I then went to meet my friends for coffee and chat. Reach home at 7am and catch some sleep before going to Alexandra Hospital to visit one of my ex-schoolmate. After that I followed one of my schoolmates to buy a last minute gift for Ali. I bought a bracelet for him while she bought a necklace, at the same shop.

After that we then went to meet Seroy at a bus stop. Haiz..after 4 years, he's still the same. Except that he's smoking now. We then took a bus and walk a very long way to Ali's house. When we reach there, we chat for awhile. Ali has change alot..In facial and in height. If I were to saw him on the streets, I seriously don't recongise that it is him. He then mention that he used to see me at Harbour front coffee shop having supper with a guy very late at night and it's always that particular timing. Initally I couldn't remember who was it so I ask him to describe the guy to me(I brought two of my ex-bfs there for supper so that's why I couldn't remember which one of my ex-bf is he talking about?)He said that it was a Malay guy and I immediately know who it was. He told me that initally he wanted to go over and greet me but was scared that I don't recongise him and will ask,"Huh? Which Ali are you?" Seriously, I WILL ask him that question cos he really change alot! Look very different compared to 4 years ago! Haiz..people change very fast. A four year gap could make a very huge difference.

At about 7.30pm, Jahabar and Shakin came along with Varan. Woo! All grew very handsome! Jahabar is no longer that shy, goody-two-shoes boy that I have known in my secondary school daze. He grew long hair and rides a bike now. Still remain quite handsome but I am not used to seeing him with long hair. Cos he used to have very short hair in school and was even the class chairman! Can't imagine him to change so much! Shakin is now a gym instructor in one of the gym centres in Singapore. He's a busy man that always have to meet clients even till late at night. All of them ask me one question which I don't wish to answer,"So QiuFen, you got bf already? Show photo leh!" When I told them that I don't have any, they don't believe me. Haiz..just as I expected. Cos I used to change bfs alot when I was in my secondary school daze. I then showed them my fingers and said,"I don't have bf!" Some of them were puzzled why I showed my fingers to proof that I don't have a bf? I then told them if I were to have a bf, I will have a ring on my finger(The 1 closest to the last finger). It doesn't mean that I'm married but rather, it only meant that I am attach to someone cos that's the only time where I will wear a ring for a very long time till it form a ring-mark around that particular finger(If ever the relationship break-off one day and that's the day I will take out the ring). Belinda then ask am I having a crush on someone or anyone has crush on me? I smiled and thought for awhile before answering her that I like someone but he doesn't know that I like him. Cos I guess he don't even know of my existence. Sorry that I cannot reveal who this person was cos he held a certain position in an organisation. I had told some of my friends about him and just recently I heard that he is looking for a gf too. Haiz..but...too bad I am not the type of girl for him. But I believe in a saying,"What's yours, you can't escape from it but what isn't yours, it'll never belong to you". I just leave it for God to decide. Haha!(Those who knew who this guy is..PLEASE keep it to only yourselves okay?)Although he is not really the kinda guy I am looking for but he has the "IT" factor that attracts me to him. Which I guess guys nowadays are either don't have it or are faking it..like someone that I dislike now! But 1 of my friend(Sorry that I can't reveal the identity)told me to be friends with him 1st and get to know him on a deeper level before making my decision. Don't worry, I am thinking of that too..since..you know? Guys can't really be trusted. Scarly he is one of those who look cool/good on the surface but is actually a jerk on the inside, then..haiz...

After that it was time to cut the cake and buffet time. I keep wondering why, Ali didn't eat at all thoughout our stay at his house. His Poly friends are more than secondary school friends. Haiz..we are out-numbered in catogary. Strangely, he has more chinese friends than Indian friends.(Ali is an Indian by the way). We left his house about 10pm and met Habeeb on the streets. Wow! He's driving a car now! While the rest of them are riding motorbikes. He couldn't attend Ali's birthday as he has to rush to a Wedding dinner. He was thinking of dropping the gift at Ali's place and went off but since we met each other on the road, he pass it to Ali and chat for a short while before rushing off.

I then took a bus with Belinda and she alights at Harbour front while transfer to another bus home. Haiz..quite a fun but tiring day!

Quiz

7 Random Facts About Me:

1) Hot-tempered

2) Impatient

3) If u r nice to me, I'll be nice to you. But if you hurt me real bad to the extend to let me hate you, I will let you know how to write D-E-A-T-H!

4) I can be there for you if you need me..be it a listening ear or someone you need a shoulder to cry on(Be it Guys or Girls)

5) I am a woman-of-few-words(Believe it or not it's up to you)

6) Don't provoke me to be angry if you don't want things to get ugly....and I mean it! I mean realllllly ugly

7) I am a very straight-forward person in my words and sometimes actions and this usually turns people off. If you don't accept me for that then you aren't fit to be my friend!

7 Things That Scares Me:

1) The supernaturals

2) Darkness

3) Insects

4) Heights

5) People approaching me from the back(so pls don't ever call my name from behind or tap me)

6) Blood of others

7) Dogs

7 Random music at the moment:

1) Forever Love - Wang Lee Hom

2) Wu Neng Wei Li - Zhang Jing Xuan

3) Waiting For You - Hu Yen Bing

4) Wo Nan Guo - 5566

5) Mei You Ni - Sun Ho Yao Shan

6) Piao Yi - Jay Chou

7) Memories - JuLi3t

7 Things I like the most:

1) Playing Soccer, Basketball and bowling

2) Typing

3) Singing

4) Listening to music

5) Watching movies(Esp those car-racing, motorbike racing etc)

6) Money

7) Fast and Cool sports cars

7 things I say the most:
1) Wah Liew!
2) KaNaSai!
3) Diao~
4) Thank God!
5) WooHoo!
6) Oei!
7) *Zoot* Chio Bu!!!/*Whistle softly* Chio Bu!!!

Haha..changes?

Yesterday night, one of my God-brother came and talk to me. He was concern about how am I doing in my life? I then told him some things that really shock him and he ask me to think about the consequences before carrying out my actions. Hahaha! Very funny! Right now I still could do that, but I don't know whether could I really do that as time passes. I mean..Lying low for now. Somehow after talking to him, I realize that I am near the danger-zone..Of becoming "Siao Kia" and I don't mean just a nick-name. I mean that there could be one day that I really became phycho(Crazy,Insane,Mad)for REAL! So erm...I pray now that if one day if my friends were to see me laughing at something pathetic(especially if I know who the person who kena was), PLEASE don't be shock/scared to see me in that behaviour. Ok ok ok ok ok...I'll try to be happy from now okay?*Heez* My God-brother told me that life is beautiful if I go search for it myself. Maybe he's right. I see how it goes first.

Yeh!!! Tomorrow is Friday and a HALF-DAY for me! Really looking forward to this day! WooHoo! HuiYi should know why..but if she knows the real reason, I think I will kena pinch by her*Ouch!*and then I will hear her saying one thing,"Si Gina! Yao Si Orh!"hahaha..she made me laugh whenever she said this. Cos the way she say it I find it very cute! (^-^)

Wah!!!! Yeh!!!! Win le!!! Just log in to the net a few days ago and check out those clubbing websites and clubbing places in Singapore. It was then I realize that I have almost complete in exploring the clubs! Just a few more clubs to go and I can declare that I have been to ALL the clubbing places in Singapore le! WooHoo!!! Erm..except that there is still this ONE club that I still cannot go in yet...cos the age limit for girls is 23-years-old!!! KNS!!! If I had completed exploring the clubs, then one of my wishes for my life is complete. Yeh! *Bo Liao* (-_-")

Hmm..Think I have to end here for now. Nothing else to write. Will blog again some other time. Byez!

Signing off,

Jui3t aka SiaoKiA

Women's Soccer

Just reach home some time ago and happen to see a English Drama show about Soccer..except the difference is that, it is played by girls! Their soccer skills are brilliant! I like the Indian girl most, she kicks very well! Haiz...too bad my skills are from bad to worst. At first her family members are very against her to play soccer but after some time, her father encourage her to continue her soccer training after he watch how his daughter played in one of the matches. He feels that she has the protential to play very well. On one of the scene, one of her team-mate's Mum saw the Indian girl kissing her daughter(Her daughter was a caucasian) and she was shock. Cos she thought that her daughter had become Lesbian. Haha! Very funny for that part!

At her sister's wedding, she heard from a friend that her team is almost losing cos she has applied leave from soccer to attend her sister's wedding. I guess she is the star player. Her coach was desprate cos the score was 0-1. Her father allow her to sneak out from her sister's wedding to go for the match. But the problem is, she only could played for the remaining half-time. She manage to get to the court in time and her coach put her in and ask another girl to be out. When the match resumes, I was amazed by the way she kicks the ball and how she avoid from the rivial teams to snatch the ball. When she was about to score the goal, one of the girls aim her ankle and kick her ankle hard. I was thinking,"Wah Piang! Like that also can?!" Luckily the refree dim it to be free kick so she has a chance to kick the ball into the net. I thought it was suppose to be Penalty kick since she is so near the goal line?! But luckily she manage to kick it into the net and draws the score to 1-1. Her next shot prove to be very amazing and the score was 2-1 in Full-time. Her team-mates are very proud of her and her coach was very happy. Later on I heard that the rivial teams are actually a school's women top soccer players! They are very proud cos they manage to beat the top players by 1 score. WooHoo! I am proud of her too!

In the show, it state the most people do not accept women to play for soccer. They find it funny and the guys keep on teasing the girls and think that women won't play as well as guys. But, the girls proof the crowds wrong! Thanks to the regular training the coach taught. If I am not wrong, the country should be in England. I felt that the Indian girl's attitude is similiar to Rooney's and her coach doesn't like her to fight with either fellow players or the rivial players. Haiz...playing soccer is sure hard!(I mean professionally)

At the end of the show, she manage to get a scholarship to further her studies and to play soccer professionally in America! But the sad thing is that she has to be part from her boyfriend(whom is her coach). She promise to be back by December. That is all she said.

If there is a chance to see women's soccer in future, I hope that I could watch it too. I wanted to see how they are playing. Maybe I could pick up some tactics by watching them that way. Haha!

Letting it go?

Yesterday afternoon, I met Lorraine for service. I didn't know the venue has change so I continue to wait for her at the MRT station. While waiting for her, I sang some songs...mostly sad songs and edit the lyrics a little. A guy then came and sat beside me(I was sitting at the MRT staircase ledge). I felt very irrated as I want to be alone. As I keep singing, the guy keep looking at me(see what see!?). After I had finish singing a song, I then look at him and he turn his head away and look at his watch, don't know is he waiting for a friend or what? I then jump down from the ledge and went to sit at the staircase. Luckily the guy never followed.

Lorraine then called me and said she'll be late. I then went to meet her near the Expo hall and we went in for service together. On the way in, my mind was wondering whether one of my God-brother will be here? I then quickly look for HuiYi's cell group and sat together with them. Yu Zhi and Esther(if i never remember her name wrongly), then came and disturb Sandy. They sing a song looking into each other's eyes(Eeek! So mushy!)but the way they acted out, made me laugh a little..cos I find the way they act is very cute.

During the service, there was one part where I put my hand down. I think HuiYi knew what is going on in my mind and slap my hand hard. I knew what she is trying to say to me cos since Yen Ling is sitting inbetween HuiYi and me, there is no way that her slap is accidenial. I then raise my hand to sing the praise and worship..trying to concentrate on the service. Cos I had alot of things in my mind that I couldn't get rid of.

After the service, Brother Kai then talk to all of us. We were very bless by the message. I almost couldn't catch up cos the Preacher was preaching extreamely fast and there are alot of notes to jolt down. There are some spellings that we don't know how to spell but he didn't spell it out for us. Haiz...somehow I had a feeling that he was preaching the same message all over again as there are some parts of his preaching, I had heard it before. Brother Kai then plead with the members to be more open to him and don't keep problems

Brother Kai then pass me back the letter that I had wrote to him. Don't be misunderstood! Cos I wrote to him the other time cos I dare not say it out infront of the cell group members. He is just giving me the reply. I then open the letter and read it and was very touch and blessed by his reply. In the letter, somehow I can feel his care for his cell group members. He is very interested to my problems and wish to know how is the problem progressing? Am I feeling okay? Because I seek for his advice, he gave me a very blunt-but-reality advice. He ask me to make my decision wisely. He knew how hurt and terrible I am feeling(I felt consoled by this part)and his advice really calms me down alot. I felt that in my situation, it's like I am falling into a very deep pit-hole and keep shouting for help but no one is there to help me(In this case, I mean no one understands me)and there is an outstrech hand reaching out to me to pull me out from the pit-hole(Bro Kai is the outstrech hand), so that I could continue with my journey to seek God once again.

After that the rest of the cell group members went for fellowship to watch a movie. I wish to watch that movie with them too but too bad I am broke now. Maybe some other time? I then went for dinner with HuiYi, YenLing, JingXian, WeiJing and MingWei. HuiYi ask what did Brother Kai wrote to me and I showed her the letter(It's not secret anyway so it's okay). She then show it to the rest and all of them and they said they like the 1st few sentence of the letter, while I said I like the ending part of the letter. HuiYi then encourage me to confide in Brother Kai in future if I had any problems and ask me how I feel about the cell group? I told her my answers and give her assurence that I've decide to join the cell group. She was very happy to hear that. I now understand why they are so happy in this cell group. I also wanted to visit the other cell group leader to see how she is leading the cell group? Cos I heard that Bro Kai has two cell groups. I pray and hope that Brother Kai won't put me in the other cell group as I wish to be in his cell group. I really like the cell group members alot..especially Sandy and Lorraine. The rest I am still trying to mingle with them.

I am trying to forget what has happened and painfully have to forget someone in my life. Why does things have to end this way? But I know life must still go on with or without him. I could now only kept those memories of him in my mind. Of all the memories I had, his, along with only a few others, are the ones which I don't want to forget. Although it's very painful, but I had no choice but to make this decision. I never expect that he is such a guy! He really disappoint me greatly. But nevertheless, I'll always remember him in my mind.

KNS!

Stupid!!! After all this while, I am still the most stupidest person in the whole world!!!! WHY DO THE PEOPLE WHO ARE CLOSEST TO ME, WHO ARE DEAR TO ME, ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS HURT ME THE MOST?!!!!! I HATE THEM!!!!!!! I HATE IT!!!!!!!

Really shouldn't have told him the truth!!! Really shouldn't told him how I feel!!!! Now I really regret. WHY AM I SO STUPID?! I HATE ATYS!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE ^&$^!!!!! WHAT DO YOU TREAT ME AS!?!? WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM!? I KNOW! I MAKE MISTAKE!!!! A BIG ONE!! SO?! THAT DOESN'T BLOODY HELL GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO INSULT ME LIKE THAT!!!!!! THAT DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO HURT ME!!!!! ^%&&!!!!!! JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THAT YOU WON'T HURT ME, JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THAT YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON IN MY LIFE THAT WOULD PROTECT ME, TAKE CARE OF ME AND WON'T RIP MY ALREADY WOUNDED HEART, YOU HURT ME THE MOST WITH YOU SO-CALLED "SWEET" WORDS!!!!!!! SOUNDS SO NICE!!!! BUT IT'S ALL ^&%^#$% BULLSHIT!!!!!!!! HUMPH!!!!! I AM SORRY! I WASTED ALL THE 10 PLUS YEARS KNOWING A ^%&*#^$ PERSON LIKE YOU!!!!! I am really extremely disappointed to what you have said to me!!! WTH!!!!!!!! I NEVER KNEW THAT YOU ARE SUCH A &*$%^#$!!!!!!!!!!!!! STILL SAID ALL THE WORDS THAT YOU SAID TO ME ARE TRUE AND ACCUSE ME OF DOUBTING YOUR WORDS!!! OF COURSE I DOUBT!! COS YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND MIND YOU!!!!! ATYS!!! I REALLY REALLY %^&$%^& REGRET KNOWING YOU!!!!! NOW I SEE WHAT A ^%&*$% YOU ARE!!!!!!! I AM UTTERLY AND EXTREMELY DISAPPOINT WITH YOU!!!!!!!! I NEVER KNOW YOU ARE SUCH A PERSON!!!!! DON'T BOTHER TO MEET UP WITH ME IN FUTURE!!!! I DON'T WANT TO MEET SUCH A ^%&*$% LIKE YOU!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Huiyi doesn't understand how I feel and keep saying that I keep pulling a lost face. Hello?! I have lost a very good friend whom I had known for close to 11 years! What do you expect me to do? Put a smile? Sorry but I couldn't smile this time round. I couldn't pretend like nothing ever happen like someone can! I started to hate the number 11! Cos this is the 2nd time round that I had lost a 11-year-old friendship. The first time I had lost a 11-yr friendship is with Kit Yin. She was with me since childhood but we had to seperate due to our parents objection and her strange behaviour. I cried for a year plus every night for that particular reason. It's not easy to let go of a friendship that has been with me for so long. But I know I had to. I had no choice. I am now very wary of the people around me. Especially those friendships that are with me for now close to almost 10 years(You guys should know who you are). I am very scared that somehow or another, the friendship will end after it hit 11 years. I dread it!

After CGM, I wrote my problem to Bro.Kai cos I dare not say it out infront of so many people. I want his advice to teach me what to do. I am very confuse. Very sad, very hurt. Why?! Why must all these kinda things happen to me!? I hate guys!!! I hate ATYS!!!!! They can be very nice on the outside or treat you in a very nice way but hidden in those "sweet" message, lies something deadly! Words alone can really hurt me alot! Don't tell me that you meant every word you have said when you told me something else later on!!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!! Don't ever meet up with me ever again!!!!! Don't ever talk to me!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! DON'T TOUCH ME!!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!! DON'T ACT AS IF YOU ARE A GENTLEMEN INFRONT OF ME ANYMORE!!!!!! ^&*%^$!!!!!!!!! GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!!! GET LOST!!!!! I DON'T NEED A "BROTHER" LIKE YOU!!!!!!!!!

...........................

Feeling very confuse now. Maybe I shouldn't have told him everything from the start. Yesterday night he suddenly came and msg me after he saw my nick on msn and ask me if I feel the same way towards him? I dare not answer his question at first and quickly change the topic. He obviously doesn't like it and keep probing me for answers. I made him promise me two things before telling him the truth from my heart that I have kept for 10 years.

To my surprise, after I had answered his dreadful question, he told me the truth that he had kept in his heart too. After he said that, I felt very guilty and sad. In chinese, they have this saying,"Yuen Zhai Tian Bian Jing Zhai Yen Cian". Now I finally understand what those words means. I was shock to what he had said. Haiz..I told him that it's all my fault but he keep on blaming himself.

After that before I was going offline, he ask me another question which make me want to cry. I told him an answer indirectly and he just said,"It's not too late Juliet..it's never too late". After I had log off the chat, I couldn't sleep well. My mind was blank and I keep wondering "why" in many areas of my life. Guess I could only live in regrets. Haiz..I could only blame myself for not reading the signs. For not being more observing. For not paying more attention to the things around me and why does he hide it from me for so many years and only tell me now? Don't know whether to believe him or his words. Guys can be great liars at times. No wonder he's been acting so strangely and speaks so strangely after some time. I wonder how is he getting along with his girlfriend? I don't wish to be the third party and I never will! That is why I made him promise to me that he'll take good care of his girlfriend. I don't wish to hear that he broke up with her because of me or anything like that.

How come suddenly me and him are like the "Turn left turn right" movie of the actor and actress? Cos in that movie, I remembered the couple are so near to each other but yet they have never met each other after Primary School excursion and only met each other later in their lives. It has happened twice like this but don't know is it a mere coincidence? The Chingay last year was an example..followed by an Agency in Singapore. When I went there with Angel, I didn't know he was still inside the company cos I didn't look into the glass door to see the people inside. Coincidently the day when I go to the Agency with Angel was his last day of work there. But we have never met. He said he was inside...while I was outside. Haiz..it's so near but yet so far.

I guess it's all my fault...being too stupid...never notice the signs. Why didn't he tell me earlier?! Don't know what to do now. I am very upset....very confuse.....

Forgiveness?

Yesterday night when I log in my msn, MingWei came and chat with me after seeing the nick that I had display on. He was not very happy seeing that kinda negative nick and probe me to tell him what had happened. I do not know how to tell him so I just said nothing. The way that he ask is very...I duno how to say. But I know he meant well. I understand his intentions. After some time of chatting, I then told him a tinnie winnie bit of why the nick was created. He then type a number to me and that number was very unfamiliar to me. I ask him whose number is it but he wouldn't tell me. He just typed,"Call this number and tell him everything NOW! Go and tell him your problems! Call NOW!" I didn't call in the end cos I had a feeling that the number should be Bro.Kai's. I then message him back that I don't dare to call cos I am afraid that he will lecture me or tell me to forgive-and-forget-your-enemies kinda thingy. So I dare not call. He then left me alone and said that he lazy to talk to me further and ask me to think about it. Haiz..KNS!

I then chat with my Aust friend and his sister at the same time. So happy that I can manage to talk to them at the same time cos they used to have only 1 computer so I could only talk to either of them or the sister will have to sit beside the brother and he have to pass her message to me. Now that her brother bought a new laptop, I could chat with them both at the same time. Her brother was unhappy that I chat with his sister more than him. Haha! So far I had only seen the sister's photo. She was very pretty! But she's Australian Chinese. Her Brother never show me his picture before but his sister let me see it secretly once. Not bad looking. I still have his picture in my mind. Cos I didn't save the picture and lose it after my father reformat the computer.

After that when the both of them are offline, I went to play my computer games. After playing, one of my god-brother came and chat with me for a short while. I thought he has something to tell me so I hold for a short while and bid him good night as my Mum nag me to sleep. I hate people to nag at me!

At night before I sleep I think back of what MingWei said to me. Why does he say those kinda things to me? I know he meant well. But somehow I couldn't help but feeling useless. Can't do this, can't do that. The worst part of all, I can't forget what has happened and I especially can't forgive. Only have myself to be blamed. I regret that when I always put 100% of my feelings on a relationship, it always doesn't turn out well. Maybe it's a Karma(duno the spelling)like they said. But nowadays I don't dare to think about relationships alot. Maybe I can go for a non-committed relationship. Cos Marriage really scares me. The other day, HuiYi was very excited to go for the marriage course held by CHC pastor. She ask whether I wanted to go for it too? I was thinking,"Huh?! Please! I can go for anything except marriage! Don't ask me to go for it! Cos I am really scared of that!" Samuel then joke with me to accompany him to go for the marriage course. I then give him a look that says,"I don't want! Don't ask me to go!" I can imagine all my friends around me will get married before they turned 30 years old and I am still the only one who is left on the shelves. That is what happens, when one is scared of marriage. Sorry but I really have seen too much of negative things happening before and after marriage. My parents is one of the "good" examples. Or maybe that I prefer to be alone? Maybe I am more suitable for single life. Haha! Single rulz! KNS!

Okay lah. I think I had blog too much nonsense liao. Gotta Go! Ciao!

KNS lah!

Feeling ultra disappointed with the World Cup matches just now. Both of the countries I supported for, has lost. England and Brazil. I am very disappointed with the way Brazil played the match. Yes although they are good at guarding their post, but strangely enough, they didn't seems to attack the France Goal....so sad. While France are looking for chance to attack Brazil.

After watching the matches, I feel like crying but I hold on to my tears cos I dare not cry infront of so many guys. Especially for the Brazil VS France match. For the England match I don't feel so sad although I like England very much cos somehow I had a feeling that they'll not win. Maybe because I set my expectation for Brazil quite high. Cos I expect Brazil to win tremanously. But...haiz...what a disappointment that I have seen! My Mum who is watching the World Cup with me, only said this in Cantonese,"Mo Man Thai"(Those who are cantonese you should know what she meant by this). Sorry that I don't know how to explain in English.

About 30 minutes before the last match ends, I ask my Mum could I go home? As I don't have the heart and mood to watch the rest of the match anymore cos I have a strong feeling that they'll lose for sure. She said no and ask me to stay and watch till the end. I watch the rest of the match half-heartedly as I had predict what will be the outcome. Sadly, I am right in my prediction this time. Really feel like crying. My Mum then suspect that I have bet on the matches but I told her no. I didn't bet although I wish to..cos...I don't have money to bet(Thank God!) But I guess it's a blessing in disguise cos I guess if I were to bet, I'll lose big time!

I guess I should quickly take a short nap again soon. Didn't sleep for the whole day yesterday as I came home at 7am and just close my eyes for 1 hour(but didn't manage to sleep)then I went for CGM + Jun Yang's autograph session. Jun Yang was very friendly in person and he shakes everyone's hands after signing the album! Not a single one of our hands are not shaked! His Dad came personally to get his autograph too and the scene was very touching. Jun Yang cried after signing the Album that his Dad queue to get from him and we shout at him not to cry.

After that then went to a nearby coffeeshop to watch soccer with my Mum...erm..the rest of the story you can scroll above to read again if you want.