Pain in my heart

Went to meet his cousins to help them to do Manicure and Pedicure for them. I don't know if they like it? His 2nd cousin don't want to use the stickers that I had bought for them for their nails. She said she don't want me to waste money. Haiz...I don't mind doing it for them cos I don't really use the stickers anyway. Although it does cost me a lot when I bought it some time ago.

Went swimming with his cousins the day before. I have phobia of swimming pool and his eldest cousin encourage me to jump into the water. When I did, I gasp for air and cling onto the side of the pool. She ask me to let go and place both of my feet onto the "ground". I think I had slowly learn to overcome my fear of the swimming pool. Luckily the pool is not very deep.

Meet my friends around the evening. We then went to Ajisan for dinner and Ivan foot the bill. We then went for walk and bought his youngest cousin a gift. After that we then went to Starbucks for coffee. Ivan and my BaoBei sat outside to chat about God-only-knows-what while JiaXin, Esther and me went to order our drinks. While waiting for our drinks, JiaXin then comment on something which make me very sad. But I don't wish to let BaoBei know. I don't want him to worry or upset.

We then went home and BaoBei could sense something is not right. He then probe me to tell him. Still, I didn't say it out. Somehow, he could sense what is the problem and said he'll talk to me about it later. Cried on the way but I quickly blink the tears away. I promised him I won't cry in front of him...I must be brave!

My mind is thinking of a lot of things. Mostly negative. I don't wish to tell him. Anyway, he will only say the same old thing.Life starting to get tough for me...

I think I shall end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Staring into space...in my dreamland

I am very happy for these few days. Maybe due to the constant shower of love from BaoBei bah. Had seen both of his parents and all his young nieces. Hmm..all of them seems to like me very much. He said that if the eldest cousin like me very much, everything will be smooth sailing(I hope so too).

Saw both of his Parents yesterday. I am quite envious of his family. Especially his parents. Cos both of them are very loving to each other even though at their golden years. Unlike my parents....How I wish my parents could be like them but sad to say, that was not the case. Constant quarrelling has been happening at my place due to the same old reason 9 years ago. My Dad is still repeating his same old mistake...a mistake which I hate ALL the guys for it!

He told his parents,"Pa, Ma, my girlfriend says that both of you are very loving" they smiled. Sigh...His dining table have a very big mirror. I look at his parents through the mirror and deep down inside my heart, I feel like crying. But then again, he told me before not to cry in front of him.

I like his Mum's cooking. Quite nice..especially the fish. Hee..His dog still barks at me but luckily this time she never bite me. I was afraid that she might bite my leg. When I tried to touch her, she barks at me fiercely again. Haiz...Vivi ah...when can I ever touch you?

HuiYi ask me to treasure him. She says he's a very nice guy and a very faithful guy? Strangely, when I go out with him, he doesn't look at other girls unlike all my other exes. Hmm..it's the only part that so far, I felt secure with him. He says even if he does look at girls, it's because he only look at their dressing. Hmm?

Met his ex-Boss yesterday. He look way younger than his actual age! Not bad looking..but he look sort of like my 2nd cousin and 3rd Uncle. A very fun-loving guy. My poor BaoBei been "suan" by him almost all the time. He treat us thai food. Very spicy! There's one particular dish I ate, made me cry in tears! BaoBei then order lime juice for me to ease the heartiness. Wah! Very sour!!!

They then play pool and billiard while I watch them. I still don't really know how to play. Quite complicated game. Count me out! Thanks! Suppose to go for Prayer meeting yesterday but then Lorraine told me at the last minute. She says,"Every Tuesday is prayer meeting what!" I was like -_-" Can-I-don't-go-attitude. Cos I have been there once and I don't really like it. I don't know why.

I am starting to feel very tired cos it seems that Bro accept us, all my friends accept us, his younger three cousins accept us, now left only his Dad and my Mum. My family only my younger Bro accept him. My father doesn't really care what I do. My Mum doesn't accept him and object strongly to our relationship. I feel very sad and told HuiYi about it. She encourage me to be strong. She said if our hands are held closely together, there's nothing that we cannot go through. Hmm..maybe I do not really have faith bah. Cos I've been through the worst of my past relationships and there are certain things I am very scared that it would repeat again. I just pray and hope that he is my last and only guy in my life. If he ever leave, that's it for me. Like I said, I don't know what I will do to myself...

I think I will end here for now. Don't know what else to write. Will blog again some other time

Argh!!! Oh No!!!

Went for service alone yesterday and was late for BS. I then went to register my attendance before going in. Bro didn't saw me at first even after he scan my IC. Haha! Cos he's busy chatting with a brother beside him. He then ask,"What classes are you coming for?" and look up at me. I then smile at him. He was like,"Tsk..So late?! Go go go"and I quickly rush for BS.

I like the way the sister preach. At least she write out all the words on the white board so at least if we don't know how to spell certain words, we can just look up at the white board. The topic for that BS was about "Love". Haiz...I had miss the previous two topics. While she was sharing, some one's image then linger on my mind.

Went for service and listen to Rev.Dr.Phill Pringle's preach. I like his preaching although he end it quite late for all of us. Went for fellowship with the members. I then receive a call and quickly finish up my food and bid the members goodbye. Mingwei ask,"Oei! Who are you meeting with?" I then stammer and replied,"Erm..friend. Bye!" and quickly rush off.

Reach Bugis 30 minutes earlier than the stated time that he told me to meet. I then walk around here and there within the control station like siao zha bo. How come I am always early when I met him? Erm..cos I am scared of being late mah. He came with his friends and introduce me to them. One of his friend was quite.."Dao". Never talk to me the whole time. If I am not wrong, his name is Shuang Long. Then his female friend is quite pretty. Have curves too. I am quite envious rather than jealous of her figure. How I wish I had her figure. Wei Da is quite an interesting guy. Talk alot of things but which I do not understand. The other guy I met him once but forgot his name.

We then went to Queenstown to play pool. Actually, they play while I watch. He tried to teach me how to play but I felt quite scared and give up playing. The food and drinks there are quite expensive! They played their game while I walk here and there, playing the arcade games there and just watching them play. Haiz...quite restless lah.

After playing, they hail a cab while he walked home with me. Talk about a lot of things. Reach home at 2.30am in the morning and my Mum is still awake. She then stared at me. After that I went downstairs to accompany him. Didn't really sleep at all. I told you guys in my 100 things that I am a light sleeper mah. My neck and low back hurts. Ouch! Haiz...that is the only bad point of sleeping at public place.

When he woke up(which I think he too also never really sleep at all). He then send me back to my place. That was 5+am in the morning. My Mum is still very awake. She don't ever sleeps? After that I immediately sleep when I hit the pillow. Help! First time tired till I can't even open my eyes.

Woke up at 12.30pm and I wait for him at home. When I finally met him, which I was late for 5 minutes. He told me that he went down for the altar call. Yeh! Very happy! BaoBei finally got back to church to receive God back into his heart! He told me that Bro prayed for him and at the same time, erm..prayed for us too. How I wish that the things Bro prayed for us will finally come to pass. I told BaoBei before, if this relationship ever fails, I know how I will become. I will sank into depression(which I had before for a year)and after that....only God knows what I will do to myself. He said something which touches my heart very deeply..and I felt secure with him around.

Went to his place to visit his Mum. I was very nervous and afraid to meet his parents. His Dad is not back yet. Heard that he's flying back by this evening. When I step into his place, I greet his Mum with a smile but his Mum never said anything. After that I tried on a white dress which his 2nd elder cousin lend it to me for my friend's special day in December. Just nice! Fits me perfectly. Later, when I watch television at his living room, his Mum came and chat with me. She sound quite friendly. I showed her my IC as I don't know how to explain the writing of my surname,"Li". She then went back to do her cooking. His Dog was very fierce. Keep on barking at me since the moment I step into the house. He said the dog only barks at strangers. Okay...

I haven't told my parents about him yet. But I think my Mum is suspecting me. Only my younger brother knows of his existence. I told him I will take him to introduce my parents one day..maybe soon or maybe only after his NS.

Read his blog and Esther Leong said that she had told some of the members. I will like,"Oh no!" But overall is okay lah. Cos Bro said he will announce it to the members only two weeks later. Erm..as long not ALL of the CGMs knows about this can le. But...paper can't cover up fire. I think maybe within one week and before Bro could announce, maybe the whole CG will already know -_-" KNS! Yes, we are open but at the same time, we don't want to shock too many people about our relationship. Esther Leong, if you know what I mean? But it's okay lah. I don't blame you or whatever. Just that I prefer Bro to announce then they know..that kind.

I think I have to end here for now. Will be celebrating my BaoBei's Birthday eve later. Will blog again some other time. Bye!

Yeh! Thank you! I Love you BaoBei!

Was very worried for the past few days. I couldn't really eat well. He was quite worried about me when he knew about my eating problem. Went to work for the last day today to clear my stuff. Return my pass to the HR and exchange numbers with a few of the colleagues there. Leaving the company happily. Although there will be some people in the office whom I will miss very much.

Went to CG today with a very heavy heart. I told HuiYi and she ask me not to be so worried as Bro will not react the way that I have imagined. The way Bro preach was very fierce. It is the very first time that I heard him preach in such a fierce manner. Very scared of him the whole time.

After CGM, Bro then wanted to talk to us. He then get straight to the point. I was very terrifed the whole time when he talk to us. All my fears about Bro's reaction were unfound. Finally, Bro smiled! It was then I let out a sigh of relieve

Walk home with a few of the members. My mind was thinking on something. For the very first time, I am truly happy deep within my heart. Because of someone's love for me. This time, I'll treasure what I have and won't let it go. He's my everything now. I don't know what will I do if I were to lose him...

I think I end here for now. Have to go for BS tomorrow. Bye! *On cloud 9*

I'm in pain....

Went to work this morning and have nothing to do. Haiz...A agency called me to say that they have a position for me as "Patient Associate" at Bukit Batok. But will double confirm with me tomorrow. I have already applied for leave. So I pray that somehow or another, I will get that job.

Went to lunch with my colleagues. All of them eat their food while I just drink a fruit juice. Don't have the appetite to eat anything. I had taken a very heavy breakfast in the morning but I don't know why, I feel nausea during lunch time. Ms.W then said,"Aiyah! She don't need to eat lah. In love le..then the stomach will automatically be full". I then blush and said that I really do not have the appetite to eat.

He came and fetch me after work. My God-brother wish to see him(I had only ONE God-brother left now). I then take him to meet my God-brother. He carried my brief case for me although I don't wish him to. Met my God-brother at the control station. I couldn't really recognise him from afar. Plus....he gain too much weight since the last time I saw him. I then chat with my God-brother and then introduce "him" to my God-brother.

Had a really great time walking with the both of them although my God-brother keep on searching for hand phones here and there. Haiz...make me feel tired from all the walking. We then sat at MacDonald's and he went to order a drink while we chat. I suddenly felt quite itchy on my right thigh and then my left arm. I do not know what am I sensitive to? I then quickly ask them,"Can we make a move?" He thought that I felt cold cos I suddenly wear his jacket. Actually I wear it to cover the itch marks on my left arm.

Bid my God-brother goodbye at the station. He then offer to send me home although I said,"No". He's so sweet! *melts* During the MRT ride, I thought I felt him kissing my right cheek(Maybe it's my imagination). My God-brother approves of him and he said he's very happy for me. On the way, HuiYi suddenly called me actually wanted to go to a place but didn't go in the end.

Reach my place void deck and sat down. I called HuiYi to chat with her. She said some things that make me very hurt. I wanted to cry but I keep holding back my tears. I promised him I won't cry in front of him and I never will! After the conversation, my heart hurts alot. I wanted to cry it out but I couldn't(which is a very good thing then). After she hang up, my heart sank very heavily.

He called me and told me not to cry. He understands how I feel. Why?! I do not know whether do all of you believe in fate? I don't quite believe it at first but now I am not so sure. Actually, I should have met him a very long long time ago but I don't know why God likes to play tricks on me? I don't know is it really should be a coincidence? Here are the places that we would have been met:
1) Tiong Bahru Arcade(1998 - 2000) - I joined gangs then and my ex-gang members hang around there often. He was there then too but don't know why...we didn't met even though I've been there every week. He studies the same Sec Sch with Esther Ho, Sheryln Ho, Lynn, Angel, Jia Xing and Fiona. Maybe we could have been met through friends but that didn't happen.

2)Clarke Quay Ex-Arcade place(2003-2005?) - There used to be a Arcade near Clarke Quay and I go there with my friends every weekend. He was there too but again we didn't met

3)Takashimaya S.C(2004) - I was working at Takashimaya, introduce by Sheryln. I then met HuiYi but was not quite familiar with her. He said he was working there too but at basement, while I was working at Level 3. I post only to basement at rare times. He said he was with HuiYi often but strangely, he didn't get to know me or even see me before.

4)CHC (2004-current) - We were in the same CG but strangely we never talk to each other. I had seen him a few times but never ever get to talk to him. I did backslide here and there in between the years. When I first went in my ex-CG I heard abt him but didn't get to chat with him at all. I then back slided. When I came back to CHC on recent years, he back slided and soon I had forgotten all about him.

I look at the year and the places, I then trap myself in my own world. I feel like crying but I couldn't. Tell me...Is all these merely a coincidence? I am very confuse right now. My heart is very heavy. I really don't wish to let go. He's all I had ever dreamt of. But....if it's really not meant to be, I will let him go. Perhaps...he would be happier with another....I'm sorry if I am the one who have cause you hurt..BaoBei..I'm really sorry this time. It's my fault. Maybe..if I didn't ask you that questions, none of this would have happen.

My final fate will be decided by someone on Friday...Whether we will be together, will be decided by one person and what that one person said, will change everything. I look at my pen-knife blade for a very long time...I'm feeling very pain inside. Don't worry HuiYi. I promised you I won't cut myself. Means I won't...no matter how much I wish to. I can do nothing no more..All I could do...is to only PRAY and HOPE...BaoBei, no matter what happens, promise me you'll be happy? With or without me? Please? I just want you to be happy. That is my request....Promise me?

Feeling very confuse and uncertain..about myself..

Chat with him yesterday night till the wee hours of the morning. I keep on probing him something and finally he told me. When I heard it, half of me was very happy but somehow at the same time, I feel very confuse, very uncertain and I have no confidence in myself. I never told him the exact reason why. Only a few of my close friends knows. There are a lot of doubts in my mind and a lot of "what ifs" questions keep on lingering on the back of my head. Maybe it's because that I've been hurt too deeply by my past relationships. The kind of hurt that I don't think ANY of the girls should go through. That is also the reason why I tend to be over-protective of my female friends(I am deeply sorry by this part). If I happen to find out any signs of abuse, be it physically, mentally or emotionally in any of my friends from their future boyfriends, I will ask my friend to leave him immediately! I just don't want them to suffer the way I did. Maybe I will just wait...but maybe eventually I won't tell him anything. I am very scared to get hurt again...especially after some incidents happened...

Went to the basement with Sharon. She said that I look slim with the new blouse. Erm...that's my Mum's blouse. I had no other clothes to wear. She then "feel" my waist for the very first time! I was very shock cos she never ever touch me before. Although she's a girl but somehow her action makes me feel very uncomfortable. She's not even my close friend or close colleague! Jolene don't even touch me like that! The most she only hold my arm! If my close girlfriends were to touch me that way, I really don't mind. But not when you are someone that I am not so familiar with or not so close with! Sorry..maybe I am being over-sensitive but that's me! Unless you are my very long-time friend, close friend or close colleague, please don't "hold" me! Especially from behind! I felt somewhat scared but I didn't say or do anything more.

Yeh! Feel very happy! He came to my soon-to-be-ex-workplace to look for me! He cook Japanese set rice for me! Didn't manage to finish the remaining one fish that he cook. Cos feeling very full but still I keep forcing myself to eat(Cos the dish is cook by him). He said,"Haiyo! If you can't finish then never mind lor" Actually I went for lunch 15 minutes earlier. The rest of my colleagues also went for early lunch. Yao Si wor! I then heck care and went for early lunch too. I don't want him to wait too long. The fishes he cook was very nice! Before I open the lunch box, he said to me,"Sorry..don't look really nice". But okay leh. He observe the other day I bought a small fish to eat and he figure it out that it should be no problem for me to eat the fish that he cook. Erm...he observe me? No lah..I think too much.

After that he took me for a walk as I still have quite some time left. His cousin tease him when he left the house. Haha! Very cute. The other day his cousin chat with me using his msn and ask me some questions which I don't wish to answer. The way she ask is way too direct. I don't want to answer is because I am afraid that he will see it. I don't wish to let him know too soon. Maybe I will let him know "when the time is right". Along the way, I tried to sing his composed song but I couldn't get the tune right. He then strain to hear my singing and said,"Sing lah". Then he ask me something,"Why is your face so red?" Oops! Haiyo! Don't listen to my singing lah. I don't sing well. Bid him good bye after he sent me off back to my office.

Went back to office 10 minutes late. Oops! Nor then ask,"Oei..that one who buy for you?" pointing at the desserts. I blush and said,"Erm...no lah" She said,"oooh I know! Your sayang?" I quickly said,"No lah! Not my sayang! My friend only!" Liew..then kena tease for the rest of the afternoon not only by her. But also from another colleague from another department beside me. I then shared one of the desserts he bought for me to her. She smiled and said,"Thank you".

I think I will have to end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

P.S: Don't buy the essential oil for me..okay? Cos I know that small thing is quite expensive..Anyway I don't need it..I think? I don't know how to use.

Peace in mind?

Slacking in the office again. At times, I hate coming to work with nothing to do. Imagine coming to work, nothing to do, and that you have completed all your task at work(much faster than you've thought). So boring!

Receive his SMS saying that he have something to tell me tonight. Half of me had a very bad feeling but something assure me that it's nothing serious. I then take my handphone out with me of the office and called him. He sound very...I don't know how to say and ask me to go back to do my work as he don't want to interrupt my work. But I told him that I have nothing to do at work as I have completed all my task(I never lie. I really complete it. Just that I had complete it too fast) and ask him to tell me. But in the end he still didn't tell me. Just that he said he have to travelled for a short while. I had a feeling he was planning to go to Malaysia, to do something which only I know what he'll do. I didn't stop him from going cos it's something he like it best and it's also one of the reason why I...never mind. It's not that I don't like it..don't misunderstand. But just that I am concern for his safety. That's all. As long as he comes back in one piece, I have no objections. But I heard that usually the winner will get jackpot plus pretty girls..(the part which threaten me most). He then SMS me something that assure me and that I could put my mind at ease.

Jolene was very unhappy when she knew that my contract is ending soon. She said she'll miss me. I miss her too. Haiz..promise someone that I'll bring him to escape on his birthday. I really don't know where to bring him to celebrate his birthday for him. Any suggestions? I think I need help from the guys on this part. I wanted to bring him somewhere to celebrate his birthday but at the same time I am very budget. Cos he say he'll stay at home on his birthday?! No way man! I wanted to bring him to escape theme park to "race" with him on the race track. But I am not sure of the ticket price. Heard that it's $10+++ per person? Anyone knows the exact price of the ticket? And do I need to pay for the games there?

I think I have to end here for now. Nothing else to write. Take care!

P.S: To that "someone", sorry that if I sound very harsh to you. I am not angry...but..just that I really don't know how to express myself well. I didn't mean it. I really don't mind you going there but...just promise me that you'll be safe and sound. That's all I ask for. Just my simple request.

Advance Happy Birthday YenHao!

Went for CG yesterday. Very happy that Yen Hao joined us for CG for the very first time. WooHoo! When Bro ask us to welcome him, actually, the one who "Woo" the loudest, was me. Cos..feel very proud mah. Eh..I bring friend. Yen Hao was very shy the whole time. After that we then listen to sermons. Something happened that made me very unhappy before that, on the way to CG. Bro then talk to me about my temper. Haiz..stupid Ivan! But forget it! I don't wish to say what happen so please don't come and ask me. Ask Esther Ho! Ask Ivan! I know...maybe I am being stingy. But...some experiences happened to me some time ago, make me very doubtful of people especially when it comes to money. I was very angry because he was very impatient of getting money from me! Oei! Since you are the one who wanna borrow money from me, then you should WAIT right? I told you my bank has no money and I cannot transfer it to you! Ask you to come to Kallang to get cash from me instead you don't want! Fine! Forget it! Then you keep on SMSing me to ask me to transfer money to you! How many times you want me to tell you I HAVE NO MONEY IN MY BANK?! So I ask Esther Ho to lend him $20 then he use Esther's hp to call me to shout at me,"Oei! I said already don't let Esther they all know right?!" Then we quarrelled over the phone. KNS! I should have known! I shouldn't have pick up Esther's call! I should have thought,"Esther NEVER EVER CALL MY HANDPHONE BEFORE!" SO STUPID! KNS! I think sooner or later I will start to hate Ivan! Just don't make me hate him to the core!

Went for fellowship at night with some members. Went to Geylang Lorong 24? or 14? To have supper. Have a lot of fun chatting there. MingWei then ask me,"Oei..how are you going home later?" Good question! I don't know. Luckily in the end Ming Ze send us home. But strangely all of the members reject him. I really had no choice but to take his lift cos there's no transport for me home. This time, luckily he drives fast but smooth. At night, someone called me cos I didn't log in to my msn. My father is hogging the computer again. Chat about many things until 5+am in the morning. We then finally hang up and I slept for 2-3 hours and wake up to prepare myself.

Went to shop for YenHao's gift. The actual gift I was eyeing for, actually cost $206++ if I am not wrong. I only know it's $200+. When I showed him the inital gift I was eyeing for him, his expression was wierd. Then he just walk out of the shop. Haiz..don't be angry lah. Okay okay..Le gong mai jo mai okay?(Hokkien Language)

We then went to shop around and went to look around other shops that sells bracelet. I then found another at Suntec and I ask him to choose and I'll pay for it. He said,"No! You choose! If I choose it seems insincere!" Okay lor. The sales assistant then recommend me ladies bracelet -_-" I then told her that it's for a guy. She said,"Oh.." then still recommend me those slim type. She ask,"Do you know his waist size?" I then whisper to her,"The person I wanted to give this bracelet to is just right beside you"She took a look at YenHao and said,"Orh"then she recommend me another type. This time I took it. When YenHao saw it, he was stun and said,"Huh?! You really buy that?!" I said,"No no no..I buy with Monopoly money. Not real money". He was speechless for I-don't-know-how-long. But then again, the bracelet is a little too small for him. Feel so sad...I wanted to take it back from him to return to the shop to ask them to put an extra extension but he said he don't want. Haiz..sorry lah..I know I am a very bad gift-giver. I am really sincerely sorry.

Met YenHao's friend around the afternoon but didn't chat with his friend much. I don't know what to talk? After that we bid his friend goodbye and went for service. After service we were suppose to go for BS but was cancelled at the last minute. I was like,"Huh? No BS?!" and felt somewhat disappointed. Went for fellowship with the rest instead.

I then receive someone's message and what he said worries me. He doesn't want to let me know what is going on and...Don't know lah..just feel very sad that's all. Don't come and ask me why. I know..I know. I have no right to say anything of what he do in his life. I guess I could only keep it to myself...although...it somehow pains me but I don't think he knows. Some times ignorance is really a bliss.

Went home with Bro and the rest. They chat happily while I just listen to music. Receive Esther's SMS about that idiotic %$^&$%#! Why?! My business?! Just don't let me see him! Don't know who is the %^&#$% who say that he love Lynn very much! Now what happened?! Like shit lah! I think I will end here for now. Sorry for the rubbish entry.

Very happy!

Went out with Esther Ho, Ivan and Da Lao Po yesterday! Actually I was waiting for bus at the bus-stop to go home. Received Esther's call after I had knock off from work. I think if she were to SMS me, I would have board the bus home. We then scheduled to meet each other at Marina Square. Esther mistaken Da Lao Po and my identity. She is Da Lao Po! I am Xiao Lao Po! Hahaha! Who is our "Husband"? Well, it's for us to know and for you to find out. Muahahaha!

Ivan then join us for dinner. My friends then ask me who is Joseph? Hahaha! Only my close friends will know who is Joseph. Ivan then chat with us after dinner. Sat there to chat for a very long time. He sure have a lot of funny stories to tell. I thought I heard glass smash somewhere? There could be a fight? To me it sounds like some kind of window have been broken.

Ivan then show me two guys and said he wanted to introduce the two guys to me. Sorry, I am not interested in them. Cos they do not prossess the qualities I look for in a guy. Ivan keep saying,"Why? Eh..they are not bad leh!" Not bad? One is an Ah Beng and a very heavy smoker(more heavier than Someone) and the other is..I don't know how to say lah. Esther then said,"No! You know why she don't want? Cos she wants a guy who can cook very well, can do housework type" I then add,"Ya lor, I also want a boyfriend who can drive. Take me to his races, Love me wholeheartedly and be faithful to me. They cannot right? So don't introduce to me" Ivan then said,"You really don't want them? Serious? 1? 2? 3? If don't want then No more le hor!" I then said to him seriously,"No! I don't want! Confirm plus garentee plus chop!" Esther then replied,"Ai ya! She have le lah. The guy who cook curry for her de lor!" My face then turn very red! That one is only my friend -_-" she then add,"Her Ai Xin curry" >.<"' *Face turns ultra red* He only give me to try sample! Not cook for me! Liew! Kena suan! Ivan said he wanted to introduce it to Lynn. Esther replied,"Oh..must go through Juliet's approval first. If she say can means okay. If not she will not approve." I then laugh.

I think I have to end here. Will blog again some other time. Don't suan me le hor!

Bro's words...haiz...I'll get my revenge one day!

Bro was looking for me some time ago. Lorraine told me that Bro was looking for me but I do not know what is it. I then called him back and he talk about something to me with a serious tone again. Immediately I know who is the person who told Bro about this. Haiz...don't know is it a good thing or a bad thing? Bro stop me since he know that it was wrong and he said that I shouldn't do it! I think the only thing I could so now is to control my anger.

Talk to "him" until wee hours of the morning. He's somewhat quiet on the phone. I am not used to it but...sometimes he can be really quiet. He thought that I fell asleep on the phone. But nope. Hey! I am a light-sleeper okay? Even if I do fell asleep, I'll suddenly jerk myself up. But then again, it is really been a long time since I had talk to someone until the wee hours of the morning. He said he will introduce a guy to me, who is a year older than me but his birthday happened to fall on the same month as me. But then again, I hate handsome guys! Don't ask me why! Heard him singing for the first time! Very happy! He has a nice voice..especially on the song that he composed himself. To Him: Oei! Don't use my tune to sing hor! Or else I'll ignore you! Your original tune for that song was really very nice!

Work was very boring today. Nothing to do at work cos I finish the work too fast again. Wati ask me,"Who ask you to do so fast? Nobody chase you for it what!" Haiz..as if like I wanted to do it so fast like that. I am planning to work back to factory work FULL-TIME PERMENENTLY! Cos I feel that I am only good in factory work after all. Although working in office line has always been my dream, but now after working in one, I feel that it doesn't suit me after all. I regretted giving up a 5-day work factory job offer some time ago before I got this job. Shouldn't have give it up. Never mind. I'll try to find again. I don't believe there's no 5-day work week for a factory industry!(I really found it! But regret giving it up!)

I think I'll end here for now. Will blog again soon. Bye!

Poem for Street racers

Blog this poem out of the blue. Don't know if it is nice?


Excitment is your world
Street racing is your life
The day is your hope
The night is your world.

The look of yours is fierce but
the inner beauty of you is gentle.
The road is your Heaven
A Devilish life is what you lead.

On the streets you roam,
zooming in and out inbetween vihicles.
I could only watch you from afar
while you pursue the life of the night.

One day, you've gone without a word.
Leaving me behind with tears surround my eyes.
Deep within my heart, I miss you so.
In the darkness of my cold lonely world.

The promises you've made, stuck within my head.
Repeating to me like a broken record tape.
You've gone from my life.
Leaving me with my heart broken in pieces.

The memories you left I'll treasure,

The promises you've made I'll remember.

Carry on with my own life

A life without you by my side

Written by: Juli3t

New place + His cooking + Car show = WooHoo!!!

I hate my new sitting place in my company!!! Argh!!! Cos I will be sitting just 4 tables away from the Manager! Sian! No privacy. Cannot surf net anymore and cannot do blogging and msn at work anymore. Cos I am being watch in all areas of my place. Including those office Kpos!

He came and fetch me after my work. I didn't know he was there already. I had actually walk past him! Alamak! Why I didn't see him at first? He cook curry!!! Yum! Although it was quite oily but overall it is very delicious! Yum! Yum! But of course I didn't finish it infront of him lah. Regretted taking heavy lunch during lunch time just now. First time seeing him dressing up till so smart! Quite good looking lah..on certain angles :P

We then took the MRT to CityHall and he lead me the way to Suntec car show. Need to pay $10 entrance fee. The cars there are very...WooHoo!!! Superb! See a lot of car show models..all very pretty. Especially their body figure *jealous* There are also motorbikes there. Cool! He then sit on the bike and I took a picture for him. Wah! Shuai leh! :P

After that we then walk around and see other car models. He then tell me the modifications, the models, how fast it can go, which car is faster than which and which car could compare to which in terms of speed. Haiz...guys favourite topic lah. I don't know much about cars. Saw a lot of cars accessories like wheels, car polisher etc. There's even a small coffee sampling machine there -_-" He said that those should not be in the road show also appear. Haha!

Didn't take pictures although we are there. Cos my camera phone is very sensitive to lights. So even if I had taken, the image will not be very clear. No point taking. After that we then walk to the bus stop together and waited for my bus number to arrive before I go off. Bid him goodbye. Haiz...one thing I am really not used to it is that he don't quite like me saying certain things to him and will punish me for it. Sianz...but so far he haven't think of a punishment for me yet. I wonder what is it? Haha! I think he accidentally blurt out my present for next year! A pink colour mp3 player! Haha! Erm..but seriously speaking I don't expect him to buy me an expensive gift for my birthday. Anything will do just as long as it comes from his heart. It's the thought that counts right? At least...that's the way it is for me. I'll be very grateful enough if you could at least remember my birthday.

On the way home in the bus, my mind was thinking on a lot of things. My heart began to sank. Should I just let it go? I'm actually on the danger of going back to my old ways and being my old self once again. Quite dangerous for me. Those who had known me for more than 10 years should know how I used to behave? I really don't wish to go back to that part of myself. Feel like joining "something" again but I know it would ultimately destroy my whole life. I cannot go back! No matter how useless my life is, I cannot turn back! Cos I know once I ever turn back to my past, I can NEVER get out of it or having a difficult time getting out of it. I must NOT!

Reach home and switch on my handphone. Forgot to bring my handphone out today. Got a voice mail from Lorraine but couldn't reach her in the end. I forgot about something! Oh no! Haiz..*staring into space*

I think I have to end here. Will blog again some other time.

Shopping Spee!*Siao!* + Boredom = Help!

Just came back to office from lunch break. Bought 4 boxes of shower gel! HeeHee!! So happy! All different scents of shower flavours! HeeHee! Ms.W say I am crazy! Don't buy means don't buy but once I buy, I can buy different flavours all at once. Hahaha!

When I step into the office with the plastic bags, that %^$&% keep staring at me. Why leh? Not happy with me is it? Say lah! Don't need to stare at me and I hate people to stare at me!!! No matter what your reason is, just don't stare at me! I would appreciate it if you could tell me straight-forwardly of what you are unhappy with me rather than just stare at me. Unless you want a fight with me, please don't ever stare at me!!! I can torlerate if you just "stare" for less than a minute. If you keep staring at me throughout the whole day, I'll take it as a war! But then again, I cannot fight with her lah. Although she stared at me but I cannot do anything. I could only stared at her back using my most fiercest look to stare at her! Since one of my friend said that my eyes could talk, I let my eyes do the "talking". Strangely, when I stared at her fiercely, she quickly turn away from me. Muahahaha! Da Lao Po was right! My eyes indeed could "kill"! Muahahahaha!

Erm...Joseph said that my blog is very interesting? Huh? Why he and HuiYi said the same thing? For your infomation, there is nothing in my blog. If you notice, I always blog the same things almost everyday. So...there's nothing interesting in my blog okay? But I still don't know why are there some people who "chase" my blog everytime? Haha! My regular blog readers. So far only two people said my blog is interesting? -_-" or you mean "Interesting"? Interesting wor...

Use his mp3 to record 2 songs inside. Contract going to end soon. Have send my resume out but so far no replies from any company. Sian...I was very surprise he work part-time in F&B line! Erm...an occupation which I like most somemore! But I don't have the talents to work his job. Haha! Maybe....someday I can try his skill of cooking *Daydreaming* Ahem! *Slap myself on my face* Piak! Juliet! Wake up! Erm..erm..erm..okay okay wake up le..to reality Hahaha! I can never had the chance to try lah. Just don't ask me why. Anyway I am siao. So just heck care about me on this lah okay? Don't ask me who is the person cos I won't tell. Only me and maybe that person knows :P

Ahhhhhhh!!! My ex is driving me nuts and getting on my nerves!!!! Can anyone tell me what to do and what to say to an ex-boyfriend that gives him the reality that says,"It's over between us!"? Those friends of mine should know who is the irrating person is? He doesn't seems to get it and the worst part is he is still holding a thought of hope that things would get better and eventually I would go back to him! HELP!!! Going to have a break-down very soon! If this stupid thing continue going on, I think it's no surprise that I would end up in mental hospital one day!!! HELP!!! Can someone tell me what to do??? I think I'm going crazy soon if this continue to go on!

Slacking in the office now. Nothing to do. That's why I can do blogging. But never mind...one more hour and I can go back! Yeh! Can anyone accompany me to the Motor show at Suntec City? Those who have been there before, can you tell me in my tagboard what is it like and what do you see? What is it all about anyway? Thanks a million!

I think I have to end here for now. Sorry for the lame blogging(Anyway I am always lame in my blogging). Bye!

Entries for Saturday + Sunday

Woke up at 8.30am on Saturday morning. Don't know how come I wake up at that time despite setting the alarm clock to wake me up at 11am. Met someone at 12.30pm but I reach TBP early. Reach there at 11am. Haha! I called him and he said,"Huh? you are so early? I thought I said meet you at 12.30pm?" I told him that I am kiasu mah. Scared of being late. He then ask me to walk around. I then went to window shop and watching people playing ParaPara at the arcade. Wah! All pro than me! I then saw him walk past me and he search for me at the arcade. I then tap him and he pass me something.

After that I played the ParaPara and was quite frustrated while playing it cos my mind was not focusing on the game itself. I am thinking of other things. After that I saw Esther waving at me from the window. I smile at her. I then think,"Strange? He said his friend is meeting him but since the time he meet me until the time he goes off, I never saw his friend?" After I ask Esther,"Did you see that guy behind me? That's my friend". She said,"Oh! That girl ah?" I was thinking...since when "somebody"(cannot say the name) become a girl's name huh?

Went to book the tickets for movie and we went for lunch. I didn't eat anything...cos I eat the left-over food for breakfast. After the movie, That idiot is at the arcade! I then crunch my fist tightly and was ready to punch him anytime! Angel sense something is wrong cos she can tell from the way my eyes stare at people. She ask,"Oei..want to go to Precious tots with me?" I said,"Okay lor...good lah....even if I see the person I will sure wrack him without a word!!!" We're consider sworn enemies for now! I told Esther,"If I see him once, I'll beat him up once!" Until he give up on pursuing Lynn!!! I then walk with Angel. After that, Ivan and Esther came down and Ivan said his impression for that idiot is very poor. Esther was disappointed that the idiot only give the present to her WITHOUT wishing her Happy Birthday. Haha! What kind of attitude is that? What kind of a friend is that? Oei! Save your bloody rubbish present lah!!! Give without saying "Happy Birthday"! Might as well don't come lah!!! Ivan said,"He's very attitude lor..He saw us le yet he doesn't want to approach us and still changing coins like nobody's business!" I said,"Haiz.." and shake my head. Haha! Bloody idiot means bloody idiot! And to YOU, if you ever want to get Lynn, GO THROUGH ME FIRST! But I tell you, I won't bless you and her to be together!!! NO WAY MAN!!! DUMPSTER BOY!!! If you dare to touch her, I'll KILL YOU!!! and I mean it!!! If you don't believe me, you can try me!!! I am not scared of you!!!

Xin then meet us quite late. I then told her something that keeps bothering me. She told me not to think too much. After that we went to Bugis and play the arcade there. Marcus came around that time. Greet him and bring him to my friends and introduce him to the ones he never met before. But then...why is he so quiet for almost the whole day? -_-" After that we went to have our dinner at a Japanese restaurant. The cake was very small and I don't like the fruits. After finishing the cake we went to take some photos. Actually, I hate taking photos. I just don't like it. Don't ask me why. But I take it just to give Esther's face. After that, we then notice Marcus never took picture with us -_-" but then it was too late cos he and Lynn had already left.

We then went to meet Sylvia and she sent us something. Haha! I was half-happy but also half-sad for her lah. Those who know, please don't tag at my tag board for this part. Lynn then join us again! Together with another guy called,"Hogan". That guy is very reserved and doesn't like to take pictures too.

Lynn then chat with Hogan about something away from us. I then saw Hogan threw a picture card(Those you took it with your friends or especially bf/gf type)down to the sea. I was surprise and ask Lynn what happened? Hogan seems very angry when he threw the picture down. Lynn said she will explain to us some other time and bid us goodbye. Went to the ladies with Sylvia and I told her about that someone. While we were talking, my handphone ring(the SMS ringtone), Sylvia said,"Must be him lah!" I said,"No lah..he should be sleeping now". But when I open the inbox, I was stunned! It was indeed him! Sylvia then peek at my SMS saying,"wah! so late le he's still not sleeping ah?" I said,"Don't know? Maybe he's also a night owl like me". Bid Sylvia goodbye after her bf came and fetch her. Ivan than made us walk...we then went to Lau Pa Sat to sleep and Ivan keep on disturbing me by plucking out my hair!!! KNS! Si Ivan!!! Pain leh! I think he also use his knuckles to press on my head when I fell asleep for the 2nd time. Wah!!! Ivan!!!!

After that we walk all the way from Lau Ba Sat to Redhill. On the way, when I tried sleeping at the bus stop, Ivan disturb me again. KNS! Can let me rest or not? Very tired leh! Sheryln also pull me up to walk together.

Half way through, at 5+am, I receive someone's SMS. We then chat on SMS and I said if he want he can call me. Cos my handphone plan is all-day free incoming call. We then chat while I still continue walking from Clarke Quay to Redhill. We continue chatting until I reach home at 7.35am in the morning. Very tired and I slept for 2 hours before rushing to church. Saw QiuMong and her beau after service..but never get to see Bro and the others...hmm...Called Bro but he never pick up my call. Called Lorraine but she says she's not attending service that day...sucks! See lah...later Bro thought I never attend service I die le! Cos no one witness for me lor...unless Qiumong and her beau can witness for me to tell Bro that I was indeed there!

Rush back home and I SMS him to complain about the mp3 that he lend it to me(But he never say when he want me to return?). Cos the R&B songs are all cut-half way. Haiz..but is okay lah..better than nothing. Strangely, when I listen to his mp3 player, there's nothing wrong with my earpiece? I thought it's the earpiece problem but I'm using the same earpiece at his mp3 and so far it has never gave me any problems unlike the one at my mp3? Strange...

Sorry I think I have to go to sleep soon. I really cannot take it anymore. Very tired and my eyes are half-shut. Will blog again some other time. Bye!

Ps: Hey..I know you don't like me to say this and will punish me for it, but still.....erm..I really couldn't help but say,"Thank You" to you! :P (You should know who you are)

Mp3 song + memories = Missing you....

Chat with YenHao at msn yesterday night. He then ask me,"What song do you want?" I then thought about it before asking him to send me techno songs. He send me quite alot of it! Wow! Haha! Thanks man! Marcus was online too but I didn't see him at first cos I was busy downloading songs. When I saw him, I ask how is he cos he put a "Sick" as his extention nick. He's down with flu. Oh no! Haiz..he then told me he only could make it at night for Esther's birthday. The "Right Here Waiting For You" mp3 song Marcus send to me was cut halfway. Sianz....but at least overall I am very happy. Could get to hear my childhood song again. I am still looking for 2 songs but one of it, I don't think it could be found anymore. One is "Heaven Knows" but I don't know who is the singer. It is a male singer who sang that song. The other one is a japanese theme song from the Japanese Drama," 101 @..." a very long time ago. Like 10 years ago? I am still looking for that particular song. Although I don't understand what is the song about and what is the singer singing in that song?

Marcus then send me two songs from Wala Wala Pub. Quite nice! Very smoothing! But too bad I cannot go to that places anymore. Haiz....very sad. Sounds like a very nice place to chill out. Oei...don't look at me like that leh. I said already. I cannot go to that places anymore. Relax lah. But the music that Marcus send me is really very nice mah..Haiz.

Haiz...have to get myself a new wallet again. Cos the card slot at my wallet is completely torn apart le. Haha! Luckily I notice it...if not I will be quite surprise if one day I lost all my debit cards, phone cards, cashcards etc. Cos I have alot of cards in my wallet...which takes up more than 90% of the space in my wallet. Or maybe I should seperate the cards from my wallet? I saw a blue color wallet at a shop some time ago. Quite nice but also quite bulky.

Wrote a poem for God yesterday but dare not post it here. Don't know if anyone will give me strange looks? I think if God reads the poem, He will give me a (-_-") look on His face. Hee..very good leh! Wrote one for HS and now another one for God. Don't know what kinda inspirations will I get in future and don't know who will I write to? Friends I have also written, Foes I have also written, HS I have also written, now God's I also written. But then all my poems don't sound like one lah. I mean...compared to shakespears poems lah. My poems are those cannot-make-it type.

Heard that someone is attending Esther's Birthday. Haiz....KNS! Why must I see him?! But I will torlerate him ON THAT DAY and ONLY FOR THAT DAY! Just to give Esther's face! Cos I know Esther is already unhappy that there are so many friendship problems happening in our friendship circle. A and S not going on well with each other, I and that someone also not going on well and I WON'T GIVE HIM MY BLESSINGS! I think there are still some more friends not going along well that I don't know. I don't want to talk to him ever again! Unless he LEAVE LYNN ALONE! I mean it! If you are reading this, listen and listen it well: I DON'T WANT YOU TO TOUCH LYNN! STAY AWAY FROM HER DUMPSTER BOY!!!! I WON'T GIVE YOU MY BLESSINGS NO MATTER WHAT!!! You can go steady with any other random girls I DON'T CARE! AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!!! As long as that girl is NOT WITHIN my friendship circle! I won't let you use her and then discard her like you did to other girls as you like! Who do you think she is?! Who do you think the girls you went steady with are?! Your soccer ball?! and my NO IS A NO AND THAT'S FINAL!!! One day I'll make her see your true colours!!! You just wait and see!!! This time I won't let you have things your way!!! She is my friend and she is Esther's friend!!! and I won't allow you to hurt her like you hurt my other ex-Da Sao's!!! You touch her and I WANT YOU DEAD!!! Esther, Sheryln, both of you say when I am angry I look like I can kill people anytime right? I will show you one day! If he ever touch Lynn, if Lynn ever gets hurt by him, I will show the both of you what is your "Juliet" really like!!! And this time, it won't be just things flying around in the air that simple!!!

Esther, if you want me to cool down or whatever, just don't allow him near Lynn! I will get very angry! He should know the reason very well! Yes, although the ultimate choice is still on Lynn's hands, but still, I won't let him have it his way! I won't let him hurt her!!! One teardrop of hers rolls down and if he's the one who cause it, I will kill him!!! I won't show him any mercy!!! Haha! Kor, consider that you are sway!!! You should know how much hatred I have for guys like you!? If you don't know, let you tell you now! I have extreme deep hatred for guys who use girls and throw them aside like you!!! Hate them to the root!!! Hate them to the core of my veins!!!! And you are one of them if you ever touch Lynn or any of my friends in my circle and Esther's circle!!! I mean it!!! One day if I ever trained my kunkles to be harden, you are the first one to get punch by me!!! By the way, in case you are wondering, I am not your typical normal girls that you see on the streets! So don't think I will ever slap you like the normal girls did! I won't slap you! I will punch you!

Esther, sorry. I really regret introduce him to you all. Just don't let him touch Lynn. I won't give him my blessings no matter what! If you all don't know why, I will tell you one day. He's not a person to be trusted!! He is not worthy of Lynn!!! I had state my reason before and I don't wish to state it again. No matter what, forever I will say NO! There are things Lynn don't know about him and there are things that she can't see!!! I just don't want her to get hurt by such a jerk!!!

Listening to the songs in my mp3 that Marcus and YenHao send it to me. Although I do listen to English songs but my English still sucks. I mean my spoken English. As for written English, I don't know. It's for you to judge base on my blog. Marcus said to me that he will speak English to me so that I can improve. I was like,"Huh? But then I am slow in responding in English cos I have to think for a very long time how to reply you in standard English". Unless you don't mind me speaking in Singlish to you.

Will end here for now. Don't know what else to write.

Misunderstanding cleared...but will there be a second time?

Met Jia Xin, Ivan, Esther Ho, and Sheryln after my work today at Orchard. Sat down at a place to talk about our problems. Actually I do not have the mood to talk about it and I don't wish to talk about it. I told Jia Xin that I just want to say whatever I want to say and get out of here as soon as possible. Don't wish to see their face! Jia Xin then analyze the whole thing from what I have told her and what she have learnt. She then ask me to give them a chance to say their part. Quarrelled with Sheryln and I said,"If you are not happy then I'll go lor!" She then replied,"Go go lah!" and look straight ahead. I was thinking,"Fine!" then left quickly and angrily. Since we cannot talk in peace at all why bother to talk in the first place right?

From the corner of my eye, while I was standing at the escalator, I saw a figure running behind me. I knew then someone was chasing after me but I didn't turn to see who is it. I then tried to walk as fast as I can away from them. Don't wish to hear anymore! Someone then touch my arm and said,"Hey! Juliet! Wait!" It was Esther. I then stare at her and said,"What?! Anything you wanna say, say it NOW!" She then pants and said,"Wait! Wait! Can you hear them out first? They didn't even say their side of the story out and you are like that. Don't like that can? Just take it as you trust me for one last time can? Just one last time? For me? Please? Can? Please? Just go back and hear what they want to say only? Please?" I then walk back to the place and sat down back to the original seat angrily. Sheryln still look straight at the counter. Ivan then came over and say his side of the story. Followed by Sheryln. Esther then also say her part of her reaction. Jia Xin, after hearing so much, finally said,"Aiyah! All this is only a misunderstanding and miscommunication. The fault lies that you all don't know how to communicate with each other properly and cause this misunderstanding." Ivan then joke with us,"Ya lor, Juliet's antenna so short...beep beep...only can receive a bit of information. Eh..go and upgrade your antenna longer can or not?" All of us laugh. Liew! At this point of the time he still have the mood to joke?

After some time, there's finally peace around all of us. Ivan shake hands with me first and said,"Shake hand means nothing le hor! No problem le hor! See? See? You finally smile le! Just now face very black! Blacker than the kopi-o!" Shake hands with Esther and Sheryln and finally everything is settled. Sheryln and Esther then ask me something,"You know why we don't dare to talk to you? Do you notice that whenever you are angry, we always don't look at you directly in the eye?" I said no. Esther said,"You don't know meh? The way you look when you are angry, is very scary and very murderous. Your eyes has a kind of murderous look when you are angry. We are very scared of you whenever you are angry cos you look like you can kill people anytime!" I told them that initially I had the intention of murdering one of my ex! I think if HuiYi didn't pull me back to church that time, I would have killed him that time. I mean it although none of my friends know about this. At that time I didn't think things through like getting jail or whatever cos my sole intention is wanting him dead! In my mind, all I wanted to do is to stab him to death! But in the end I didn't manage to do it. Cos HuiYi pulled me to her new CG and that time, the sermon is something about letting it go and forgiving the person. Bro then shared that time even though if we feel like murdering the person, sometimes it's just best to let it go. After some struggles and after lessons of Bro's preaching, I finally could let it go.(ZBR! You are consider lucky!) Of course when I finally see ZBR on the streets, this time, my hatred for him is not as deep as I had before I entered into Bro's CG. I just give him one tight slap on the face instead of stabbing him on the stomach with a knife(which is my initial intention). But of course in the end, everything also settled quite peacefully. Much more peaceful than I have imagined. But I think the timing that Bro preach, was very..timely? If not, I would have broken one of the 10 commandments: Thou Shalt not murder(Exodus 20:13 NKJV)

Went to walk around the shopping mall. My mind was thinking about that tube top I saw in the afternoon with Ms.W. She was very surprise and said,"Wah! I didn't know you are so daring? You dare to wear this kinda outfit?" I told her,"If I have a really nice figure like yours, I would definitely wear it without second thoughts. But...you know lah" Strangely, most of my friends had really nice figures but they don't dare to wear revealing clothes. I always tell them,"If I had a figure like yours, I will definitely wear tube top/spaghetti strap tops and a mini skirt with high heel shoes during my off days". But I don't have the figure to wear lah. So...can forget about it! I can only wear T-shirt and Jeans.

I think I'll end here for now. Really glad that everything is okay now...will blog again some other time.

Thank you Bro

Very bored at work!!! Argh!!! Finish my assignments again. My contract will end this month but still I have not got any new job yet. Was thinking whether to work in a F&B line but the disadvantage is that I will not get weekends off and my off day will only falls on weekdays. Haiz..I enjoyed working in F&B line alot! Especially if I am stationed in the kitchen area. Cos can get to "cook" the food(This is the part I like most), although I will get scald most of the time by the oil or get my hands burn by the machines. Those of my friends had seen the scar on both of my arms will know. Although now it looks like bruises but actually it's not. The "bruises" that you see on both of my arms, is actually the scars from the grill machine that I use in MacDonald's when I tried to retrieve the burgers with my own hands(Gay kiang lah!)never use the standard procedure lor! Cos that time was rush hour mah and a lot of customers are queuing at the counters. When the burger get stuck onto the grill machine, I don't have the time to think to use the specular to retrieve. I then use my hands lor. So that's how I get the scars from. Got a warning letter plus scolding from my Managers after that. Esther Ho and Jia Xin have seen the warning letters that I kept in my cupboard at home. Jia Xin said,"Wah! You got so many warning letters? I didn't even get one!" Erm...all for different reasons lah. Most of it is because I didn't care for my personal safety at the kitchen area then one of the Managers got very worried about me(Cos she is my ex-bf's cousin!) she always tell me whenever I got hurt,"Oei! Later you get yourself burnt or scald again how? Later you get hurt, I will be the one who will have to explain to Adrian what happen to you leh! Then he will come looking for me and not for you!" I remembered I laugh at her comments. But then again, that was a very long time ago. Adrian and I have since broke off for some reasons that I cannot accept him for it!

The downside of working in a F&B line is that my pay is very less and I don't get weekends or Public holidays off. But the experience there and the "friends" that you've made there, is something that makes it all worthwhile. Especially in fast food chain line. That's why sometimes in F&B line, love do blossom there. But then whether it will last long, it depends on both parties itself. One tip for those "Lovers" who wanna work in the SAME STATION with your bf/gf: *Look left, look right* Erm..when you go steady, don't ever announce it to your friends crews there or don't ever let your workplace people know. Cos that will meant that you and your steady will definitely be post to different stations of your work and...so...you won't be in the same station as your lover. Then if you are lucky enough that you can get to work in the SAME STATION as your lover, then..haha..can wink wink here..send flying kisses there. :P Those who are working in MacDonald's or KFC will know what I meant by this lah huh?

Log into MSN and saw Bro there. Strange? Bro don't ever get offline? I then MSN him and tell him that I couldn't make it for Saturday service and he ask me for the reason. He don't believe me when I told him that the activity will last until Sunday morning. I then type the timing of the activities for him to see and hopefully he can understand why I cannot attend service. He said that he will reply me after he had think through. After some time, he then MSN me and said,"Okay, you can go BUT..you must promise me these 3 conditions". I then ask for the 3 conditions and when I saw the 2nd condition, I was like,"Huh.....Bro...don't like that leh". The 3rd condition is the worst! Haiz...but...I guess I have no choice but to abide by it. Cos he said,"If you agreed to ALL 3 conditions then I'll let you go. BUT if you break any ONE of these conditions, next time if you wanna go off on a Saturday, I won't allow!" I was like,"......" Haiz...Those who wanna know what are the three conditions, go and ask Bro. Actually his conditions are NOT unreasonable. Cos..I understand that he meant for my own good. The other time he had a serious talk with me about this. I had never seen Bro look so serious before! Wah! When Bro talks to you something with a serious look on his face, I tell you, he sure looks very scary. I wonder how did he get to learnt about this? *Suspect Lorraine and HuiYi* Haha! But overall, I don't mind lah. Like I said, I understand that Bro meant well for me. I told Lorraine before that whenever I am near Bro, I am always fear him like I fear God Himself. Maybe because the Anointing of God is very strong in him. Of all the CGLs I had seen, Bro is the best!(Seriously speaking)

Will end here for now. Don't know what else to write...

Stupid Me with a Stupid Scar Life

Read some one's blog about me and I was thinking,"Huh? I don't remember I chat with you much about my life leh". Cos there's a sentence where he said that he don't know how I overcome such things? Sorry Marcus, I didn't overcome. But God and the Marriage Course(part of it is you lah), taught me to trust love all over again. Although I am still very hurt by my past but I guess I have to learnt to move on and to trust love again. Marcus told me to change and be more gentle. Marcus, in case you do not know, let me tell me about my past, my childhood and my growing up years here. You will know why I choose to be in this state and why I keep saying that I can NEVER be gentle. This is my life from childhood BASE ON TRUE STORY(Those who don't like long long stories then you can stop here):

I grew up in a family that is very violent. When I was in my childhood, I used to have a very loving family, my father dotes on me alot and so do my Mum. Although I had cause her a lot of agony and worries since childhood. That was...until my younger brother came.

Because as a traditional Cantonese issue, my Dad always longed for a boy. A son to be in the house. After the birth of my younger brother, both of my parents spend all their time and attention on him and I felt neglected. My Mum told me to be understanding and ask me to take good care of my younger brother which I never did. Cos I was jealous of him. My father would dote on my brother alot that even if he gets the slightest hurt, I would get several beatings from my father very violently. My father is a very violent person when he's provoked or angered. So my family feared him alot. As I grow older, an incident happened that I would never ever forget, cause me to be in the state and behaviour I am now. Marcus, this is the reason why I CHOOSE NOT TO BE GENTLE:

As I grew up in a violent environment, there are a lot of things I do not understand. Like why am I always get beaten for nothing or for no explanation at all from my Dad? While when I get caned from my Mum, she will explain to me why I am being caned and for what purpose or what did I done wrong? Thus I hate my Dad alot. Until one day, my parents had a very huge quarrel, that was when I was six years old and my brother was three years old. I remembered I saw my Dad holding a chopper in his hand while quarrelling with my Mum. I saw the fear in my Mum's eyes as she beg for my Dad and keep repeating,"No! No! Please! No!"and cried really badly. I could only stood there rooted while watching my Mum plead my Dad helplessly. My then-3-year-old brother is the one who rush to my Mum's side and hug my Mum while saying to my Dad,"Papa, Bu yao da Mama. Papa..Bu yao da Mama"(Dad, don't hit Mum. Dad, Don't hit Mum) I could only watch and cry.(So useless right?)

Although this incident happened 15 years ago, but I still remembered it until today. Gentle person always gets bullied! My Mum is a Gentle person..and my Dad used to tell me,"Don't be like your Mum!" Of all my growing up years, most of my life are quite violent. I could only remember the negatives of my life. Of course I do remember times when my Dad would take my little brother and I out for ice-cream, shopping, swimming or just playing at the play ground. But all that things that he did, won't made me forget how my Mum almost got chop by him. There was also a time, where he tied me up in a rope and then beat me up with a wooden stick. All the beatings, are what my little brother didn't go through(other than caning from my Mum). I did! And if my Dad were to one who uses the cane, he won't use just one cane like my Mum did. He will use 5-6 canes, tied in a rubber band, to whip. He doesn't just whip at the buttocks. He will whip all over my body and he won't stop canning me until he sees blood oozes out from my skin.

I don't know whether all these beatings are considered minor to you, Marcus? That's why I keep telling you and most of my friends, I can never be gentle! Of course, when I grew up, I became quite rebellious..(that is the 2nd part of the story which I guess you already knew). So? Is there anything I have never been through before? Maybe...there are but I just don't know yet. Although maybe to some people, my childhood life is nothing compared to them.

I guess maybe because I am tom-boyish since young so it's also another reason why I can never be gentle. You are not the first person to tell me to learn to be more lady-like or more gentle. But I really have difficulty doing that. I still prefer my rough self. If there's no guys that will ever like me for who I am, so be it. Anyway, I had been through so many tough times of my youth, it's also a time I should slow things down a bit. Although thinking about my younger days are quite stupid, but at least I had learnt things the hard way.

Whenever someone goes through certain parts of their life that I had went though before, usually I will "psycho" them to either turn back or ask them to think through it carefully. I don't wish anyone to went through the life that I have been through. It's really very painful. There was one time HuiYi even said to me,"Juliet, you are brave. I think if I were you, I would have died long ago". I don't know. There are too many times when I question God,"Why am I living here for?" I seriously don't know my purpose in life? No talents, no looks, no brains, no nothing. Sorry..it's not that I am being negative but I have been asking myself this question since young and so far NO ONE has answer my question. Although my life now is more peaceful after I had really met God. That is the only thing I felt now. Compared to my "gangster" life when I was in my Teens.

The rest of my not-so-pretty life..I guess you've already knew? Maybe....if there's miracle happen, I might become gentle one day. But like I said, it's only a miracle....

100 stupid things about me

Found this from my church mate's blog. Do it just for fun:

100 things abt myself...

1. I am an impatient person
2. I keep things to myself if possible at times
3. I can be crazy when I am happy and way moody when I am down
4. I prefer to be alone whenever I am unhappy
5. My Christian name is given by my father - Juliet
6. My chinese name was name after a flower and season(My Mum said) - QiuFen
7. I can be a good listening ear if my friends wants to confide in me
8. I wish to go to England someday
9. I like guys with long hair(outer appearance)
10. I love guys who can cook well
11. I love guys who race in fast cars
12. I may seem like a flirt but when I truly love a guy, I will be extremely devoted to him
13. I hate cheaters(2-timers, 3-timers, guys who lied to their girlfriend)
14. I cannot take stress at all
15. I used to play street soccer from Pri 3 - Pri 5(now forgot how to play)
16. I used to play basket ball from Pri 3 - Pri 6(due to teasing that I am the shortest in class)
17. I used to fight alot(with both guys and girls)
18. My first taste of Alcoholic beverages was at 12 years old
19. My first puff of cigarette was at 13 years old
20. My true love and real first love was at 14 years old(I do love him still..)
21. I wanted to learn cooking(but was ban from it..by my Mum)
22. I am an emotional person
23. I write poems occasionally
24. I am a straight-forward person(Most of the time)
25. I like to go to clubs
26. I am quite a restless person
27. I am tomboylish
28. I don't know how to dress myself up(Not that I am lazy..I really don't know how to style)
29. I am curious on almost anything and everything
30. I always wanted to be a ge-tai singer(but too bad I don't know how to sing in dialects)
31. I Love kids alot
32. Love to eat beef a lot
33. I like pink roses
34. My favourite colour is Blue(of cos other colours like red, yellow and baby pink)
35. I have great probia of swimming pools and sea
36. I want someone to love me and to be loved by me
37. I have been on cruise before and love it
38. I hate being misunderstood by others(but it happens almost all the time)
39. I hate being ignored
40. I can be very violent when I am angry(which is the reason why my friends scared of me)
41. I don't like to be at home
42. I used to cut myself when I am unhappy(now I can't..cos I promise someone I won't)
43. I am struggling to quit drinking(promise someone for it since she's unhappy abt it)
44. I love to sing(although I am a lousy singer)
45. I would love to go sight-seeing someday
46. I love my Brother most in my family!
47. I am not a talkative person by nature
48. I am very simple-minded(Pathetic but I admit it)
49. I slam things around when I am angry
50. If I keep quiet the whole day, it only means either I have nothing to talk or I am tired
51. I punch things(especially glass or metal) when I am extremely angry or provoked
52. I like to paint my nails and decorate nail arts on it when I am really free
53. I leave my nails long for 2 reasons. (a)To open things (b)to use as weapon for attacking
54. Don't ever provoke me for no reason, try me and you shall see!
55. I challenge authorities(if I felt that they are being unreasonable/unfair)
56. I dream of riding a motorbike
57. I dream of riding a race car
58. I cannot live without music
59. I sing to myself most of the time
60. I am a light sleeper
61. I'm rough in talking(A habit that's hard to break..I am used to the "Ah Lian" way of talking)
62. I used to have 2 dogs when I was very young. I still miss them although it pass away
63. I used to have 4 turtles! Two small turtles and two baby turtles
64. I hate studying alot(Almost drop out at Sec.2)
65. I hate Army guys(Don't ask me why)
66. I hate Police(Cos they are very bo.Liao!)
67. I love movies(esp Comedy, action flick etc except horror(those bloody kind) films)
68. I'm very scared of the dark
69. I'm very scared of people calling my name from behind
70. I like toys(and I don't mean soft toys or teddy bears!)
71. I used to like Ice-skating alot
72. I love playing bowling
73. I like perfumes
74. I love food!
75. I like salmon alot
76. I love to eat fish
77. I love cats
78. I am afraid of Dogs
79. I dislike insects
80. I am scared of snakes
81. I am imaginative
82. I love Tea
83. I love Coffee
84. I used to have Pen-Pals
85. I like to play ParaPara2ndMix alot
86. I like Euro Techno(but not Trance!)
87. I like RnB
88. I like fast track songs
89. I like Sentimental songs(and Sentimental guys)
90. I don't like guys who hit girls(Strictly No-No)
91. I don't like my future bf to have tattoos(strictly No-No!)
92. I don't like my future bf to have too many piercings(ears is ok but not on tongues or eyes)
93. I don't like my future bf to smoke
94. I prefer people to confront me directly whatever things they are unhappy with me
95. I don't like fruits..
96. I seldom watch TV and the news(So don't tell me anything about TV shows)
97. I hate gangsters(Unless you dare to fight on ur own 1 to 1 without a group of ur gang members with you)
98. I write everything down in a organiser(cos I tend to be forgetful)
99. I Love to do blogging(even though no one reads my entry)
100. I Love Spicy Food! (Yum!)

These are the 100 things about me..Anything else you wanna know? Just tag at my tagboard to let me know :P

I will torlerate!!! I don't wish to be what I am in my past!!!

Gone for CG yesterday after work. Saw YuZhi at the Bus stop. He said,"Oei! Never see me ah?" Sorry cos I was in a daze so didn't see you. We then took a bus to meet the rest at the coffee shop. Ivan called me and was very angry. Actually I could finally break fast but I don't have appetite to eat. How to eat when there's friendship problem everywhere? I listen to him quietly while he complain a lot of things about someone. I wanted to scold that someone too! WHY HAVE YOU BECOME LIKE THAT?! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IVAN JUST SAY IT OUT!!! I DON'T WISH TO BE THE MIDDLE-PERSON ANYMORE!!! YOU HEAR ME!? I DON'T WANT! WHY IS IT EVERY TIME YOU AND IVAN MUST HAVE PROBLEM?! ARE YOU PICKING ON IVAN DELIBERATELY!? OF ALL THE YEARS I HAVE KNOWN YOU, YOU ARE NOT LIKE THAT! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM NOW!? IF YOU READ THIS, PLEASE COME AND TALK TO ME!!! I WANNA HEAR YOUR SIDE OF THE STORY! DON'T SAY THAT I AM BEING UNFAIR THAT I LISTEN TO IVAN ONLY! I WANNA LISTEN TO YOU TOO! I WANNA KNOW WHAT'S WRONG!?

I was very angry and my CGM ask me to go and get something to eat but I have no appetite. I get her workplace number from Esther and call her. I heard her voice at the background. Her colleague is the one who pick up the call. I heard her colleague say,"Oei! Your phone! Go pick it up leh!" and I heard,"Don't want! Who is it?" The sales person then ask me and I said,"Juliet! Ask her to pick up the call NOW!" She don't even want to pick up my call! FINE! Since that's the way you want it, DON'T BLAME ME! It's not that I am siding Ivan but seriously you are really too much! You went too far!!! I really do not know what is wrong with you and why do you keep on picking on Ivan! Do you know Ivan shouted at me because of you?! WHY MUST YOU MAKE EVERYONE UNHAPPY?! Esther Ho, I will surely come for your birthday but in the meantime, I do not know how to make peace between you-know-who and Ivan! I am very sick and tired of her being like that! I know that we have known each other for so many years! But why is she behaving like that?! Can you tell me!? I am not angry with you and I am not blaming you. Just that I don't know what is happening between her and Ivan!? Why must she cause so much trouble!? You know my temper well and you know how I behave in Primary School! You have seen with your own eyes. I have told you what happen to me in my secondary school daze and why I always being called to the principal office! All I want to say is, I don't wish to do what I done in my Primary School + Secondary School daze! I warn you first, I don't wish to lay my hands on her!!! Don't make me do it!!! If not, she will get seriously injured and our friendship will end! This is the 2nd time it has happened like that! Will there be a third time? Ivan says his patience is limited! It's not that he's being petty but when he explains to me something, I feel that he is right. It's not that I am siding him! You ask that person what did she do! I don't wish to say anymore! I am very sick and tired of all these shit! I know you are sick of all these things happening in our friendship too! If she don't like Ivan and she don't like me, JUST SAY IT OUT! I WILL DISAPPEAR FROM YOUR LIFE AFTER YOUR BIRTHDAY FOREVER! I AM SERIOUS! JUST DON'T MAKE ME DO THE THINGS I DON'T WISH TO DO! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS WRONG! I WANNA HEAR BOTH SIDES OF THE STORY!

After CGM, I called Esther Ho to tell her what had happened. Why is everything seems to went wrong in my life!? Eileen then call me and says she want to talk. It is the very first time I hear her saying in this kind of serious tone. When I finally met her, she broke down in front of me and cry for the very first time! I lend my shoulders for her and she lie her head on my right shoulder and cried very badly. She told me everything. NBCB!!! I then crunch my fist tightly and there's anger in my eyes! Feel like murdering some people!!! Eileen told me to calm down. How can I?! I don't know how to console her but to pat her back and sayang her head.

Met *Joseph and *Elaine for drinks. Eileen and Elaine were shock that I drink that Whiskey raw in half a cup without ice. After that I keep pouring alot of drinks and Eileen tried to stop me from drinking heavily. But...something bad happened after that. Don't wish to say what is it. Don't ask me too.

After that Joseph send me to the bus stop and talk to me on a lot of things. There's a rumour that he has a crush on me but I doubt so. He promise me that he'll take me to his races one day if he got his new car some time. WooHoo!!! Yeh!!! Finally can get to see race track and race cars le!!! WooHoo!!!! So happy!!! But still I dare not introduce him to my friends yet. Cos seriously speaking they will be shock on his appearance. Very Ah Beng, have tattoo on his body, a very heavy smoker and drinker too. Eileen always like to tease me and him together. I then told her joking,"Ok ok if he slims down then I will accept him okay"? But I don't know..He can't be liking me mah! Maybe just treat me as good friend? That's all..he still misses his ex though. She must be very pretty. Eileen told me that whenever she mentions my name to Joseph, he will be very nervous and stammer when he hears my name. I was like,"......your head lah!" Can lah..if Eileen wants me to accept him, can. Ask him to quit smoking and slims down a tinnie winnie bit then I'll accept him :P Hahaha! Very bad right?

I think I have to end here. Sorry for the vulgar words...but I am really angry at some people! Will blog again some other time.

Feeling trap...Huh?! How come I have submit myself unknowingly?!! No!!!! I don't want!!!! GOD!!! HELP ME!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!

My mind is quite disturb now after visiting a particular site. Sorry that I cannot state the site and I cannot give you the site address. All I can tell you is....the site itself that I happen to see is total anti-Christ. When I look at the site, a particular sentence of the site caught my attention,"Come into the world of your darkness and deepest desires". You all should know what site it is? No no..it's not what you are thinking..very difficult to explain to you here. I cannot state the site! If I tell you the truth, and if any Christians were to know that I viewed the site with a curious look, I will get a slap on my face! All I can say is, it is no pornography...but something "religious". Those who are easily offended by such things, please stop reading now. Don't continue. Just stop here.

I was surprise that there is really such a site exist!? I only know that when the judgement day comes, The Lord will come to the world. But....this particular site also state that the Satan will come to the world when the end-time comes. Huh?! Both of them will be coming at the same time?! Oh no!

Found out something else about Lucifer. Something that the Bible never state! How come it describes differently from the Bible?! As I read deeper and deeper into it, my mind become more and more distress! Alot of "WHY?!" in my mind. The real reason why Lucifer was being sent into Hell states differently at the site. The Bible says something like, Lucifer was a very great Angelic musician but wanted to take over God's place and God was very unhappy about it. So He sent Lucifer into Hell. But that site states a different reason to why Lucifer was REALLY being sent into Hell to be with Satan. It also said that Lucifer and Satan are joined into one but they have different powers and devotees of their religion, prays to either one of them for individual purposes. They also have a different kind of Bible that is way different from the one that the true Christians are holding. Huh? They also have Bible? Yes..they have. But one thing they do not have is the tongues that most Christians spoke. In that religion, they do not speak in tongues. No wonder the Devil don't know what we are saying to God when we say it in tongues! Here comes the surprise: The Devil, known as Satan, is actually NOT a spiritual being. So what are the devotees praying to I don't understand?

No wonder my mind and my body are "fighting" ALL THE TIME! When I happened to see the symptoms a Cult devotees have, I was shock!!! Totally shock!!! Cos...I BEHAVE ALMOST LIKE THEM!!! Just that I didn't know!!! God!! Help me!!! I don't want to be with Satan!!! Help!!! Although the Devil could provide me with things that I desires for but....the thing is..the Price I had to pay for is beyond what I could afford! But I guess it's too late to turn back. I do not know how to turn back! No no no!!! I don't want to go back to my past!!! I don't want to do things that will make HuiYi cry!!! I don't want!!! Help!!!

Why can he control the thing that God cannot control me over? - My Mind. A sister told me once when I shared that I am considering of joining..a long time ago. She told me to think twice. After browsing though several websites about cult, one thing I have learnt, once you really step into that "other religion", THERE IS NO TURNING BACK! And believe me, from then on, the one that is controlling your whole life and your soul, is not YOU yourself. Is the Devil. The sad thing is..when you're being controlled by the Devil, you yourself WON'T even know it! Just like me...I just learnt about it a moment ago. A few of the symptoms are there! No wonder there's no peace in my life these days! *Stress* The site said the Hell is actually not as scary as the Bible claims and Fire is part of them. If Hell is really a beautiful place whereby we could do the things we can't do(where the Bible states the 10 commandments clearly), why is God upset if he cast the sinner into the lake of fire? He should be rejoice cos he is casting the sinners to a place whereby they could finally sin what they want and enjoy their life there where they could finally fulfilled their deepest desires!

Being torn apart spiritually again. I don't wish to speak to Bro cos I know he will be extremely angry and most probably will ask,"Why you go and visit such sites?!" A part of me was glad that I did visit the site to know that I had such symptoms with me and maybe I could seek help and to draw near to God more closer than before. Devil is so scary! Lord, I am sorry. This time, I will never let go of your hand no matter what! Just don't let me be with Satan or Lucifer! I don't mind getting hurt as long as I don't hurt the ones around me! Although I had never seen HuiYi cry before but I don't want her to cry because of me! Another part of me was upset cos I had alot of "Why" in my head that no one can answers except maybe the Devil himself!

I had a feeling my tag board is going to be flooded with alot of scoldings later on..anyway, I will accept it. I am now struggling with some decisions(Body, spirit and mind are "fighting" at the same time now..it's torturing!)