Stupid Me with a Stupid Scar Life

Read some one's blog about me and I was thinking,"Huh? I don't remember I chat with you much about my life leh". Cos there's a sentence where he said that he don't know how I overcome such things? Sorry Marcus, I didn't overcome. But God and the Marriage Course(part of it is you lah), taught me to trust love all over again. Although I am still very hurt by my past but I guess I have to learnt to move on and to trust love again. Marcus told me to change and be more gentle. Marcus, in case you do not know, let me tell me about my past, my childhood and my growing up years here. You will know why I choose to be in this state and why I keep saying that I can NEVER be gentle. This is my life from childhood BASE ON TRUE STORY(Those who don't like long long stories then you can stop here):

I grew up in a family that is very violent. When I was in my childhood, I used to have a very loving family, my father dotes on me alot and so do my Mum. Although I had cause her a lot of agony and worries since childhood. That was...until my younger brother came.

Because as a traditional Cantonese issue, my Dad always longed for a boy. A son to be in the house. After the birth of my younger brother, both of my parents spend all their time and attention on him and I felt neglected. My Mum told me to be understanding and ask me to take good care of my younger brother which I never did. Cos I was jealous of him. My father would dote on my brother alot that even if he gets the slightest hurt, I would get several beatings from my father very violently. My father is a very violent person when he's provoked or angered. So my family feared him alot. As I grow older, an incident happened that I would never ever forget, cause me to be in the state and behaviour I am now. Marcus, this is the reason why I CHOOSE NOT TO BE GENTLE:

As I grew up in a violent environment, there are a lot of things I do not understand. Like why am I always get beaten for nothing or for no explanation at all from my Dad? While when I get caned from my Mum, she will explain to me why I am being caned and for what purpose or what did I done wrong? Thus I hate my Dad alot. Until one day, my parents had a very huge quarrel, that was when I was six years old and my brother was three years old. I remembered I saw my Dad holding a chopper in his hand while quarrelling with my Mum. I saw the fear in my Mum's eyes as she beg for my Dad and keep repeating,"No! No! Please! No!"and cried really badly. I could only stood there rooted while watching my Mum plead my Dad helplessly. My then-3-year-old brother is the one who rush to my Mum's side and hug my Mum while saying to my Dad,"Papa, Bu yao da Mama. Papa..Bu yao da Mama"(Dad, don't hit Mum. Dad, Don't hit Mum) I could only watch and cry.(So useless right?)

Although this incident happened 15 years ago, but I still remembered it until today. Gentle person always gets bullied! My Mum is a Gentle person..and my Dad used to tell me,"Don't be like your Mum!" Of all my growing up years, most of my life are quite violent. I could only remember the negatives of my life. Of course I do remember times when my Dad would take my little brother and I out for ice-cream, shopping, swimming or just playing at the play ground. But all that things that he did, won't made me forget how my Mum almost got chop by him. There was also a time, where he tied me up in a rope and then beat me up with a wooden stick. All the beatings, are what my little brother didn't go through(other than caning from my Mum). I did! And if my Dad were to one who uses the cane, he won't use just one cane like my Mum did. He will use 5-6 canes, tied in a rubber band, to whip. He doesn't just whip at the buttocks. He will whip all over my body and he won't stop canning me until he sees blood oozes out from my skin.

I don't know whether all these beatings are considered minor to you, Marcus? That's why I keep telling you and most of my friends, I can never be gentle! Of course, when I grew up, I became quite rebellious..(that is the 2nd part of the story which I guess you already knew). So? Is there anything I have never been through before? Maybe...there are but I just don't know yet. Although maybe to some people, my childhood life is nothing compared to them.

I guess maybe because I am tom-boyish since young so it's also another reason why I can never be gentle. You are not the first person to tell me to learn to be more lady-like or more gentle. But I really have difficulty doing that. I still prefer my rough self. If there's no guys that will ever like me for who I am, so be it. Anyway, I had been through so many tough times of my youth, it's also a time I should slow things down a bit. Although thinking about my younger days are quite stupid, but at least I had learnt things the hard way.

Whenever someone goes through certain parts of their life that I had went though before, usually I will "psycho" them to either turn back or ask them to think through it carefully. I don't wish anyone to went through the life that I have been through. It's really very painful. There was one time HuiYi even said to me,"Juliet, you are brave. I think if I were you, I would have died long ago". I don't know. There are too many times when I question God,"Why am I living here for?" I seriously don't know my purpose in life? No talents, no looks, no brains, no nothing. Sorry..it's not that I am being negative but I have been asking myself this question since young and so far NO ONE has answer my question. Although my life now is more peaceful after I had really met God. That is the only thing I felt now. Compared to my "gangster" life when I was in my Teens.

The rest of my not-so-pretty life..I guess you've already knew? Maybe....if there's miracle happen, I might become gentle one day. But like I said, it's only a miracle....