Argh!!!!! I'm going crazy soon!

Went to work today as usual. After lunch time, I had boldly request to talk to my Boss. He then sat at the conference room and he ask me what is it? I told him that I wish to resign and would work until end of next month. He was quite unhappy and ask me to continue to stay on. He told me not to give up just because I find it difficult to cope. He reject my resignation and ask me to continue to work. Sianz!

Went out with my parents to walk around at Toa Payoh. Nothing much to see there. My brother ask about BaoBei. He ask me questions which I never heard before and a few questions I just don't know how to answer him. Went home to play SL till I almost fainted. I think I stare at the computer for too long. Most of my SL friends starts fading away. There are some new members coming in. Some from Hong Kong, some from Taiwan. Started to "avoid" my SL friends too and live in my own world even in SL. I don't mingle with them much anymore.

Esther, if you see this, please don't ask me out anymore. Sorry that I really couldn't make it to Lynn's birthday. The money that I owe may take me a longer time to return you all. Gomenasai! May consider taking a 2nd job. Have discuss BaoBei about my second job and he is very angry over it. The only job that could earn $7 per hour - Night shift. But then many of you would disapprove. Anyway, I am really very stress over it. I had already state one of the reason why in my previous blog(go figure it out yourself).

I will end here for now. Have to get some rest. I am not tired but don't know why I feel like fainting? No worries. I am alright! Okay?

Lorraine's encouragment + Quarrel = I don't wish to talk so don't bother me!

Went for Service yesterday and was late. Actually I was suppose to have BS with Lorraine but I couldn't find my BS book anywhere at my house. I SMS Baobei to ask him to help me search for it to see if I have left it at his place? After search here and there, still couldn't find my BS book. Had no choice but to tell Lorraine that I won't be attending BS with her. Cos..how to attend when I don't have the book? The worst thing is that I do not know which lesson I am at now. Lesson 7? I forgot.

Went for lunch with Lorraine instead. She called me when we are on our way to Expo. I couldn't recognise her voice at all! I look at my phone before I pick up and the screen flash,"Lorraine 12345678 calling...(Lorraine's number. Sorry cannot reveal lah!)" I answered,"Hello?" But then, the person who spoke to me, doesn't sound like Lorraine at all! I stare blankly in space, then look at my hp again,"Call 1" I feel like asking the person,"Who are you?" When the fact is that it's Lorraine's number. Cos her voice sounds so sweet that I never heard such a voice before! I replied,"Er..yeah. We are on our way" she said she will be waiting for us at the food court. I then hang up. BaoBei ask me,"Who call?" I said,"Lorraine. But then, her voice doesn't sound like Lorraine. Her voice sound like half of Katherine's voice" BaoBei then give me a whierd look. If you know how does Katherine's voice sounds like, you will know why I give that look yesterday.

Went to food court to search for Lorraine. Took me quite a while to spot her. Cos I am not observant enough. She then talk to me about my work. She then introduce a cafe near Bona Vista and said that the job is not suitable for long term. It's run by our own church member so maybe I could request for 5 days work week. I wonder why.

Went for service and I was surprise that the hall was quite empty! Usually for service, the hall will be either full house or half pack by members. But yesterday when we step into the hall, I was surprise! BaoBei was surprise too and said,"How come the hall look like almost empty?" Jac brought her schoolmates to church. I did not mingle with them. Especially the "Ah lian". She has piercings everywhere and a tattoo on her back. I gave her a look as if she was an Alien. In my mind I wonder,"Jac mix with Ah lians?!" Anyway I don't wish to talk to them at all. Cos all Ah lians have an attitude problem and the way they look at you, they are actually looking down at you cos you are different from them. Been there, done that. So I know. I have piercings too but I limited to my ears only. The moment the Ah lians came, the sisters flock to them and talk as if they are long-lost friends like that. While the brothers keep to themselves one side. I stayed with the brothers cos I don't wish to talk to the %$^%$#@!

After service, Lorraine encourage us to get to know the new friends cos they are "shy". Ya right man! But BaoBei insist to go home early. As we have not much money to fellowship, we went home first. On the way home, someone called me and said we did not fellowship for a very long time. I was very angry and part of me feel like shouting at her. We did okay!? She then hang up my call just like that! KNS!!! BaoBei saw me getting angry and ask what happen? I don't wish to talk. After that I show him one particular SMS and he was very angry and said,"Oh! Just because Mum's birthday they don't go fellowship! Then that time my Dad's birthday! I also still stay with the members and didn't go celebrate!" I said,'Then why you never tell me?" He told me that he don't cos he knows that I will buy gifts for his Dad. Anyway, that was suppose to be a surprise and that is why he insist me to go home that day. But I didn't. Anyway, I had enough. When I fellowship with the members, WERE YOU THERE?! Anthea then called me last minute asking me to pass her the book. I then went to the station just to pass to her and ran off. I am very disappointed that she don't understand me! She has the same situation as me but yet she is telling me all these! Humph! After all these years, I thought that you understand me! But it seems that you don't. I thought you are the person who know me inside out and know what I am going through. But after what you SMS me yesterday, I realize that you don't. Whenever I go out on weekends, I have to pay for BOTH PARTIES(me and YenHao's) expenses! I am really sort of cash nowadays. Anyway, I have given up on the members. If they don't co-operate really because that I fellowship with them lesser, then forget it. I won't bother to chase them for prayer list if they don't give me from now on. They are tired that I keep bugging them for prayer list? I am also tired of them for not giving me their prayer request. Anyway, if you see this and know who you are, don't bother to call me to explain anything anymore. If you don't understand me, then I have nothing to say. No need to say sorry or whatever anymore. I am disappointed! Really disappointed! Because of fellowship you can don't care about my problem, then never mind. We have nothing to talk.

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Hamster!!!!!!!!!!!! Hamster!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yehhh!!!! Yeh!!!!! -_-"

I seriously hate work!!! I want to switch job!!! I heard that my Boss wants to retain me and that he doesn't want to hire anymore people. How?! Help!!! I am planning to tell him on the 3rd of next month. If he doesn't want to release me, I will just disappear from the company like that. Yes, I know I may sound irresponsible, but hey! There is no fix contract to say how long I will be working, PLUS there are NO benefits for me! Anyway, I don't see any reason why I should stay! Seriously! When I told HuiYi about this, she was very agitated and said,"What?! Cheap labour huh?! Don't be so soft-hearted can?! I think you really should leave!" I really feel like crying but I couldn't.

I then SMS BaoBei that I won't be going home so early and will go out for a walk. Whenever I SMS this, immediately he knows that I am unhappy about something or that I feel sad over certain things. He called me and after hearing what I told him, he said,"Ya, I agree with HuiYi with this. You are too soft-hearted. Don't give him face lah! Just leave! Where on earth have such a low amount of money?! Even part timers are paid higher than you!" Okay, but the fact is that I am not considered a full-timer yet. At least not officially. Derek also told me to leave if I can but not now. Maybe next month. I think F&B is suitable for me. Or maybe because I am so used to work in F&B line that I am not used to work in other lines.

Recently I have some "silly" thoughts. When I told BaoBei about it, he was quite worried and somewhat upset about it. Maybe it's because that I do not like both my workplace and my work. I wish to leave but I don't know how. I guess I will just leave everything in God's hands and hopefully He'll help me to find a way out.

When I reach home, I went to my brother's room and happen to saw a cage in his room. When I went closer, I saw my favourite pet!!! HAMSTER!!!!!! I do not know what breed is it neither do I know how to tell their gender. Cos I never study deep into Hamsters and don't really know much about them. My brother raise one of his eye browns and said,"You like it? Give you lor. I don't want it anyway" I was like,"Huh?!" I ask him then why does he buy it since he don't like it? He said,"My friend buy that hamsters a few weeks ago. He said that he gets tired of it and don't want the hamsters le. So gave it to me. But I don't like hamsters! Since you like it, you can take it. Here are their food and mats". I happily take the hamsters to my room and play with them. Luckily, they don't bite(although somehow I expected them to)" Very cute! My Mum said that since I have to travel to and fro from BaoBei's place, there's no way I can take care of the hamsters. She complain that they are smelly. Yes, they do have foul smells at times but that is part of their smell!

I think I will end here for now. Now thinking of how to bring them to my workplace and to Cell group meeting...Hmm..any ideas?

The 7 Deadly Sins that I have..Haha! I think I can go to Hell..

Greed:	High
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	Very High
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	Medium

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Should I go? Or should I not?

Went for work today and just as I expected, PAY DEDUCTION. But then it was not too bad lah. Still within my expected range. Boss ask me whether I can handle the invoice thing and I honestly tell him that I couldn't really handle. Cos one slight mistake and that's it man! You're in for trouble big time!

The Accountant came and we chat for a while. She encourage me to switch job. She said office may not be the best for me after all and told me to go for further education if I can since I am still young. Ya..but...Money problem. I learn from Aidah that NTUC member could get subsidise but then I must pay $9 every month. Then I'll have to pay $300 - $400 for the course instead of $2000. Sounds worth it but...I don't know.

Boss left in the evening and Derek then psst at me,"Psst! Pssssst! Oei!" I then turn my head to him and then back to the computer again,"Ya?" He then came over and ask,"Oei, heard that you kena deduction ah? Deduct how much?" I then look at him and said,"You know the FnB job before I got this job? That pay lor. With no CPF" He said,"Wah liew! Then you better find a new job. It's not that I wanna pour cold water on you or what, but seriously lah. That kinda pay! You might as well stay at your previous FnB job to work right!? Please lah! If you can leave, just leave. Don't stay. For what?! At this low rate?!" I replied,"I wish so too!" But then he hasn't got any replacement to replace me. Further more, he's going overseas soon and the timing to leave is just not right. Miss too many opportunities of 5 days FnB job!(Hey I really found some FnB job that's 5 days but haven't got the chance to interview yet). HuiYi suggest that I go and study diploma in teaching since I love kids so much. I am still thinking.

I know I hesitate here and there but because I am afraid. I have burdens and only my close friends will know what are my burdens. I will see how things goes. I have speak to BaoBei and Lorraine about taking 2nd job. Lorraine said as long as it doesn't affect my spiritual life, CG and my relationship with BaoBei, she's okay with it. BaoBei said that if I feel tired when working both job, might as well give up one of the jobs. So...those friends of mine, if you ever SMS me to go out and I couldn't make it, you would know why. Either I am busy with church stuff or I am just busy working. I will see how things goes.

I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Fireworks Festival 2007

Feeling very stress at work today. Took quite a long time to print out the export invoice and Boss was not very happy. Accidently spoil the Invoice machine and Derek spend almost the whole afternoon trying to get it fixed.(Sorry Derek! >.<) During the time that Boss and Derek were away, I am thinking hard whether to remain in the company or look for another job? But Boss don't want to release me! Help! Speak to one of my Second Life game friend through MSN and he told me that actually, since I have no bond contract with the company, I can leave anytime. Haiz...

Went to meet BaoBei at City Hall and I was late for an hour. Went to pay my phone bill before that. Haha! Just as I predicted! It really came in $100+! We then get takeaway food from Subway but he said he's not full enough. Went down to get Takoyaki for him. It was a very long queue. Almost fight with a stupid idiot Auntie there! KNS! *******!!! I WAS IN THE QUEUE OKAY!!! ****!!!! I place my order but the stall assistant told me to wait. There are a few others who was waiting for the same food with me. I then walk away wanted to get some drinks but there was also long queue(just opposite the Takoyaki stall) I then go back to the line to wait. The stupid Auntie said,"Eh hello excuse me!? Where you came from?!" I glared at her and shout,"I was in the queue just now!" She stared at me and I stared back at her. The stall assistant look at me and then turn to the auntie,"Ya, she was here just now. She had already placed her order first" Finally after about 15 minutes, the food was ready. I walk past the Auntie and stared at her again.

Watch the fireworks display in amazement. Ask BaoBei to capture the whole thing with his camera phone. I pray that no calls will be ringing from the phone during the fireworks display. Saw a lot of different fireworks on display. There is even one of the fireworks play, with a heart shape design! Saw HuiYi and Samuel after the fireworks. HuiYi gave me a big hug.

Went home after that. Thanks for all those taggies. I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Work II

Finally I could learn to handle my work a little. Thanks for all those who prayed for me. Wen Ting's prayer almost came to pass. One of the things that she prayed for me was for my Boss to scold me lesser. Indeed he does! At least...for now. But then, Derek get scolding almost everyday still. Haiz...I do pray for him too, for favour of God to be upon him. I have finally learn to differentiate the headsets. Although some still looks the same to me. I could only differentiate a few.

I am thankful for God that I've such a nice Boss. Yes, he's quite temperamental at times. But the accountant told me that if I get to know Boss long enough, I might find him quite a nice guy. He did try to sack me. But then, there's no replacement to replace me - yet. I don't know is it because of this, that I am still staying on or what? He knows that I've a very poor memory. But nowadays, in order to make things easier for me, he wants me to put a note and he allow me to use the stick-on pad to remind myself certain things.

Today, I got the procedure wrongly and instead of lecturing me like he normally would, and which I expected him to, he explain to me step-by-step on what to do and even point out to me what exactly I did it wrong(which he normally doesn't do that). I was quite surprise by his reaction towards me today. Still, I admit my mistake and said,"Sorry Boss, It's my fault. Erm...not Derek's. Derek told me what to do but I got it wrongly. Sorry". He look at me with a surprise look on his face. But still, Derek been lecture Boss. Haiz... -_-"

On Sunday, Lorraine ask BaoBei and me for a talk. She said something that I find it quite true. She said that if I still don't know how to handle the same situation, it'll happen again and again until I know how to handle it with a right attitude. Half of me expected that she'll blast at me for my reaction on CG(on Friday?) But she didn't. I can sense her unhappiness though. Now I know why I always quarrel(and sometimes fight) with BaoBei almost for the same things. Almost broke up with BaoBei that day. I took out the ring that he bought for me and our photos and throw at him. BaoBei look like he's going to cry any moment. Our dialog went like this:

Him:"Can we talk later after CG?"
Me:"No! I don't wish to talk! There's nothing for us to talk anymore!"

Him:"Please? Let me explain..."
Me:(Cut him off)"There's nothing to explain!"

HuiYi later hear both sides of the story and she help us to get back together again. Lorraine told me that I almost hit HuiYi that day(I don't remember I did?!)She said whatever I've given away, I must let it "died down" and forget it. Cos once it leaves my hands, it's no longer mine(Sounds familiar leh).

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Happy National Day!!!

Sulking with BaoBei the whole afternoon cos he don't wish to go out. Yesterday he told me that he don't wish to step out of the house at all. I felt upset. This morning when we woke up, BaoBei keep dragging time here and there and we only left the house about 4+pm!!! I then sulk again and did not talk to him.

Reach Marina Square and was surprise that the arcade was still there. Went in to play the games there and we went to the roof top to see the fireworks. The fireworks was beautiful. BaoBei then rush to the Gents and I was left alone. Watch the whole fire works alone in the end. I then cried a bit while watching cos my mind drift to the day 9th August 1999. Thinking about my ex. He promised me he will watch again with me next year 9th August 2000. But that day never came and it will never come to pass. When BaoBei told me that he will try to get tickets next year to watch with me, I cried. Cos somehow I had a feeling it won't come to pass...or so I am afraid. Here are the pictures of the fireworks that we took:

The pictures are the view from BaoBei's side. BaoBei and me got separated by the crowds. Saw some ex-colleagues there and My Boss and his wife?!(But he never saw me). Saw Elaine too but then, ever since she join the church, she has been ignoring me. Unlike the old days when we were in school. Church really does change people. Either good or bad. There are good and bad Christians out there. I say this from what I see in church. So don't assume that just because someone is from church, he or she will be goody-two-shoes or holy. It all depends on the person himself/herself. That explains why, non-Christians always had this mindset,"Huh?! I thought Christians should be _____(fill in yourself)?!" Or "Huh?! I thought Christians cannot ______(fill in yourself)?! I admit I am one of the "bad" Christians lah. I don't live completely by The Bible(Although I really take my hat off those who could do it)still, I try my best to live up to the 10 commandments but recently I just break one of them. If you had been "chasing" my blog all these years you would know what is the one commandment that I break.

To Lorraine, I am sorry that I answer wrongly the other time. I was absorbing what you said so I reply you too fast(without thinking) and wrongly. I really didn't mean what I answer. Please forgive me. Those who were there to listen that time, were all shock by my answer but REALLY, I DIDN'T MEAN IT! Although there was once upon a time I was curious to find out what does being a Satanist like? Oh ya, talking about this, Russell Lee Book number 16 is out in stores!!! Those Russell Lee fans, you can go grab it now! There's one section that a person wrote about his Satanist adopted Parents. Quite interesting but scary. Now then I realize Satan does bless his worshippers like God! But there's a price to pay. It's something that I DON'T WISH TO PAY FOR! I pity that writer and I pray for him that he will get out of his adopted Parents clutches and hopefully meet his real biological parents soon.

BaoBei finally admit that he feels stress whenever he's with me. I also feel that there's something change in our relationship. We don't know how to communicate anymore. Actually it's my fault. I keep comparing him with others and he feels pressure that he couldn't give me what other's bf could give to their gfs. I want quality time but now we are so busy with our own that we hardly spend any real quality time together. I want his attention but he's been paying attention to his PSP that he doesn't even know I ever exist. I wonder will cold-war will do us any good to help us to think through what we really want in our relationship? Sorry, I am a person who don't know how to express and speak. Maybe blogging and writing are my only way to express myself. It's been too long since we ever had any heart-to-heart talk. He says that whenever we had any heart-to-heart talk, he needs to smoke in order to talk. That's what I hate most! He also know that if he ever smoke, I will "challange" him by drinking(which I promise Bro.Khai that I won't)and BaoBei hates my drinking style. He also feels upset that now I am beginning to shut down and don't wish to share my thoughts and my day with him. Like e.g: When I had a bad day at work, I don't know how to release my stress. I just SMS him not to call me. Then when he SMS me back and ask me to share with him how's my work today? He said he wants to listen to me. But I just SMS him back,"Leave me alone"then he'll feel that I don't open to him enough. It was only though HuiYi, then he gets to know what really happened. Cos I share a lot of things with HuiYi. He said that he feels sad that he has to go through other people in order to know what I am thinking and how I feel. I really don't know how to talk anymore. I guess no one could ever help me...

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time. Happy National Day Singapore!

Prayer buddy + Financial woes + SL Game

Had an extremely bad day yesterday. But it's all my fault. Don't know why that I couldn't absorb what Boss says. Perhaps I am tired. The stocks went "missing" again. Boss says if this continues to goes on, he will have to start charging us. Help! Stay back over time to do stocks.

Went home with burden. Keep thinking of using my old way to release my stress...but every time I think of this method, HuiYi's sad and crying face will flash in my mind. Maybe it could be a sign that God is telling me to think of the people's feelings around me before I do anything stupid.

Call Wenting to pray. Share with her my problems and she pray for me that I will adapt well in my work and that Boss will scold me lesser. But I don't want to stay in my work!!! Feel better after praying. I share with her that I was thinking of holding two jobs cos BaoBei's and me spend a lot. She ask me to spend wisely cos Lorraine definitely won't let me hold two jobs. If I were to hold two jobs, most likely I won't be able to pray. HuiYi's effort will be back to square one. NO!!! Cannot!!!

By the way, for those of you who are confuse by my blog, I am sorry. SL DOESN'T mean Spiritual Life. It means SECOND LIFE. It's a computer game. BaoBei and me are engaged in that game. By the way, my God-mother in that game help me to organise a simple wedding. It's a last minute wedding so very few of my SL friends attend. BaoBei has finally change his Avatar into a handsome guy instead of the nerdy Avatar. But his new Avatar is very "Ah Beng" with big bling-bling necklace and a big tattoo on his Avatar's back. He also add fire wings to his Avatar. Makes it look like "Angel of fire".

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Scary Prayer + unhappy episode = running away from things?

To be honest, it has been a very long time since I've prayed. HuiYi encourage me to seek God all over again and to pray again. I was very reluctant. But still I prayed. 5 minutes at first, then 10 minutes. Now the most I could pray by myself without my prayer buddy is 15 minutes. I feel that the time I spend with God is not enough. But I don't know how to "talk" to Him.

This morning when I came for work, Boss was not in the office. Yesterday, he ignore me at work just because I didn't greet him,"Good morning, Boss". Derek said,"Oei! Later a girl will come for interview". I then sat at my table to do a silent prayer(Pray in my heart + speak in tongues in my heart) that Boss will NOT come in today, or he'll just come to interview the new girl and hopefully rush to somewhere else after the interview. 30 seconds after I prayed, Boss call in to say that he won't be coming to the office. (O.o)!!! After that, exactly 1 minute later, a new girl came for interview. She get her interview with Boss through the phone. Er...prayer is really scaring me now. My prayers come to pass in just 1 minute!? I then pray that this new girl will get accepted into the office. Don't know when will it come to pass?

Went to meet BaoBei at Vivocity. He was late and I wait for him. I ask HuiYi to book two seats before that and I promise her that I will be at the Indoor stadium. BaoBei then arrive and we walk aimlessly at Vivocity. I then said,"Oei! What time le?! We have to go to the stadium!" He said,"Huh? Can we don't go? If we go I will surely sleep there and it's not just 1 or 2 minutes this time! It's throughout the service!" Argue with BaoBei and urge him to go. He then seems unhappy and abandon me alone at the superdog fast food restaurant and walk away from me very fast! I couldn't catch up with him and lost him among the crowds. Sprain my ankle while chasing him so I just walk slowly for the rest of the journey while trying to search for him. I wanted to cry out but then so many people are around me so I just control my tears. I then SMS HuiYi again to say that BaoBei walk very fast and his face is very black. I was scared.

Later when I finally saw him, he was very angry. I tried to talk to him but he ignore me. He then SMS someone which I don't know who and seems very angry. I then SMS HuiYi,"Er..Actually, I think it's my fault lah. I ask u 2 book seats cos I thought of rushing down after my work but I duno he's so tired. I'm sorry". Lorraine then call BaoBei's hp and BaoBei refuse to answer. I then answer it for him and Lorraine sound very angry on the phone. She ask for BaoBei. I then slap BaoBei's arm and said,"Lorraine look for you! Answer!" He brush off my hand twice before finally answering the phone reluctantly. I don't know what do they talk about? After that BaoBei hang up and said,"Come! Let's go eat something!" I started to have slight Gastric pain but still angry with BaoBei,"What did Lorraine say?" He don't want to answer me. Didn't went for service in the end.

BaoBei then apologise to me while we were deciding on what to order. -_-" I wonder what did Lorraine said to him? Do we still need to go for service? All my questions were left unanswered. BaoBei ask me to find out myself. Haiz...

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Health

I am considered on the way to recovering. Fall sick on Tuesday but I still went to work anyway. My bad cough came back(sian~!) and I was down with fever for two days. But still I went to work. No, no. It's not that I had to, but because I am the only admin staff there. Why can't they get a replacement to replace me? I tried to hide the fact that I am sick, from my Boss. But I keep having runny nose and he ask me to see a doctor. He pay for my medical fees cos I said I don't have money to see a doctor.

I am envious of the people around me who don't have money problems. Maybe because they know how to save. Aidah said she'll mail me the brochure about F&B course. She said if I were to take the course outside, I would have to pay $2000+ just for the school fees alone. She ask me to register to become a NTUC member, so that I could get subsidise, and the school fees I would be paying will be a lot of difference! I don't know how to go through with this, maybe have to ask for help. She encourage me to further my studies and pursue the course that I really want.

When I was alone at the office yesterday, I was very depress thinking of money problems, BaoBei and studies. My thoughts somehow drift towards pen-knife(if you know what I am thinking?). No, don't worry for me. I won't do it. It takes a lot of courage for a person to do that. Pen-knife is my ex-drug. I said drug because, if you notice people with multiple cuts, it's because they are addicted in cutting themselves. Yes, it's extremely painful. They cut themselves not because of the pain. Is the feeling they get AFTER the pain. It's a relieve after pain kind. The feeling is like, part of your problems are flowing out together with your blood. So you "feel" less burden. But at the same time, I realize that this is not the option. I didn't manage to do it, cos I keep thinking of HuiYi's worried look when I told her before that I used to cut myself, and the promise that I told her that I won't do it. Anyway, I also thought of how would BaoBei reacted if he were to see cuts on my hand?

My SL-God-Mother plan a surprise for me! She bought me a wedding gown at L$2500?!(US$9.74). But she was very unhappy with the fact that BaoBei and me engaged in SL without her permission. Oops! I didn't formally introduce BaoBei to her, so I understand how she feels. More and more new faces began to join the club. I realize that I am uncomfortable with new people in both SL and RL case. Still, chatting to people in SL is a lot more easier than chatting with people in RL.

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Nail art + Letter + JaZkY's korkor's ex-gf blog = Is LOVE really mean TORLERENCE?

I find it difficult to type with my long "finger nails". The nails are fake though. Bought it at a flee market for $1.80!!!(Most shops sells 24 nails for $3++) But I don't know how to trim the fake nails. Cos the design is really nice, so if I were to trim it, part of the designs will be trim off. Maybe it's because I am not used to having long nails, I find a lot of difficulty doing most things, like wearing Jeans, cos the nails will somehow be chip off or broken off. Press numbers or type sms on my handphone, cos the nails are too long that I find it difficult to press the mini keypad. Went for fellowship yesterday and Eric keep commenting on my nails! He said at first on the way to Changi,"Leave so long for what? It'll still be broken!" I was not angry at his words THEN. After that when we manage to find a place to sit down and eat, he comment again,"See lah, the nails still have to get dirty in the end, why decorate the nails until so pretty for what?" I feel very angry that I feel like throwing my food at his face! Stephanie then comment about the way she look at my BaoBei cos before that, she keep giving BaoBei the "flirty" looks. I then replied,"ONE MORE WORD AND VOLCANO WILL ERUPT!!!" I then heard Stephanie says,"Help!!!" and run to HuiYi. I think I heard HuiYi mumbered,"Uh-oh" Accidentally smash the potato mash onto the floor and I felt very pai seh and at the same time, angry! Stupid Eric! I saw Lorraine and she gave me the -_-"' look. Later Lorraine came to talk to me about my reaction. Spend the remaining of my money to buy another mash potato to eat.

Went to the cosmetic and perfume shop to try the perfumes while waiting for HuiYi. The perfumes that I like, BaoBei doesn't seems to like it. There's a perfume that BaoBei took a sample from, smells heavenly! He says it's from CK. The sample he took, the perfume cost $106+++!!! Nowadays BaoBei has been using my perfume!!! Argh!!! I was unhappy that he uses half of my HUGO BOSS PERFUME(Men's edition)!!! But luckily that bottle, I bought it while it was on sale. So it's not expensive. When I accidently left my Morgan perfume(white hour glass version) in his bag, he took it to camp to use and he says he like the smell very much. That perfume I bought it two or three years ago with HuiYi at Takashimaya S.C. I think at $70+++ if I am not wrong. I have no money to buy perfumes anymore. The Gucci perfume that I set my eyes on, BaoBei says the smell is too strong and he doesn't like it. That perfume is $96+++.

In church, HuiYi pass me a letter. After reading it, I went over to hug her to say I am sorry. Somehow, I cried. But I don't know why. Jing xian was shock! HuiYi was speechless. But she says that she'll talk to me after service later.

Went to view my God-brother's ex-gf's blog. She has finally updated. She feels hurt ending the relationship too but she says she had no choice. She also states that there's no denial that there's a third party in the midst of their relationship. She says she has tolerated enough! I was thinking,"Tolerated? Enough?" I know that partners have to tolerate each other differences. But at times I do wonder,"Is loving someone really mean tolerating that person? Or is it learning to accept your partner's habits and differences?" I admit that I do feel guilty too on this part, like expecting BaoBei to change something that he can't. Like his forgetfulness. One thing that we are alike, is that at home, we tend to take something on one place and put it in the other. Then when we want to search for it, we don't remember where we had put it. I pray that I won't come to a stage where loving BaoBei becomes tolerating him for whatever he does. It would be painful for both parties. Loving, does not mean tolerating! It means acceptance, loving him/her unconditionally, be by your partner's side through good and bad times. Of course I understand love doesn't last longer than friendships. But the reason for breaking up shouldn't be that "I have tolerated enough". If she says that,"we have grown apart, our expectations aren't the same anymore or that we don't walk together with the same "goals" as before etc" I can accept. But I guess different people see this differently.

I think I''ll end here for now. Will blog again some other time

Break up season??? + Prayer List = Irritated! Watch your WORDS!

The day didn't went smoothly today. Well, I guess everyone has bad hair days someday or once in a while. Stress at work cos my Boss wants me to do the stock count for July. Time sure flies fast this month. Actually, time flies faster when you are in the working world than when you are in school. At least, that is what I feel.

Went to view my God-Brother's blog. I was surprise that...He and his girlfriend had broken up?! They had been very loving and had been together for 5 years plus!!! No wonder his recent entry sounds so down! But he doesn't have any tagboard so it's hard to leave message. I should have known the warning signs! I went to see his ex-girlfriend's blog and her latest entry only wrote one sentence,"8th July 2007 - Marks the end of our relationship" Immediately I mumbered,"Oh no!" But in his blog, he also shares that the friends around him console him through SMS, phone calls etc. after reading his blog or knowing his problems through word of mouth. Some times, it's only when you are down, you will see who are your true friends and who would really stand beside you or available for you 24/7. I pray for my God-brother and hope that someday he'll be healed emotionally.

Sometimes, I am very tired of doing prayer list. People don't reply my SMS lah, Being Criticise of my own prayer request lah etc. But then I remembered Bro used to say to Lorraine before she rise up to be a CGL,"I pray that your journey will not be smooth sailing!"(or something like that?) I understand what Bro means. In order to be STRONG, one will have to go through "hardships". It's through hardships that we learnt lessons and grow.

Words does kill sometimes, Friendship especially. No Lorraine, I am not saying that I give up doing prayer list(even though part of me wanted to). I will still try my best to do it for you. This time, it is not I HAVE TO or I MUST DO. It's I WANTED to do. You get what I am trying to say? Now I know the feeling of,"The flesh is tired but the spirit is willing" feeling. But let me tell you this, I don't get this feeling always. Even though the prayer list cause me to lose a friendship, I will still do. The only time I stop doing, is when I have been criticize often enough, and agitated that I don't wish to do anymore.

Yes, I do feel hurt that the friendship is broken somehow because of my words(and SOME PEOPLE'S KNS OVER-SENSITIVELY!) But I no longer feel pity. I had lost a friendship of 16 years(to be exact, is 15 plus lah)! To some idiotic 3rd party! That is what I called pity. Anyway, it's long story. Imagine losing your childhood friend because of some stupid people! And the friendship is not a year, is not 5 years, but more than 10 years! Try losing that kinda friendship and maybe you will know how I felt and why I have become this way. Anyway, I was the one who left my childhood friend. I really had no choice but to "abandon" the long-time friendship. Maybe someday, things will be back like it used to. Or it may not and we became Hi-bye friends instead.

Now you know why I need emotional healing? I don't hide most things from people. I am okay, means I am okay. I am not okay, means I am not! Simple! I don't pretend! Even if I do, people who really knows me inside out, will tell the difference. Even people who don't know me well in person, knows I'm NOT okay(in SL!) so why should I pretend in RL that I am okay?! I can, if I wanted to. But I will be back to the cold-hearted Juliet that I used to be.

I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time

Job Orantation

Attend the job course through CHEC. It was fun as we are playing games all the time. At the end of each game, the lecturer explain to us the purpose of the game and what does it represent in the working world. I keep looking at the male lecturer cos I find him familiar. I was thinking the whole time,"This guy looks familiar. Where have I seen him before?" The part I hate most is the introductory part. The lecturer said during these five days, he will try to get us to be more interactive and hopefully learn to have some self-confidence for those who don't like to speak up.

We then had lunch break and continued more games after that. Met Alan, a Chinese guy with excellent English language skills! He speaks exactly like an Amercian would speak! He said that he went overseas often to study so that explains his English slang. He's quite good looking too and wears the same colour contact lens as my BaoBei. As I am unable to attend most of the course, I had spoke to Kian Hock about it. He says that I could try to attend the one at September but they have not confirm the days yet.

We then play "Auction" where we only have $5000(fake $1000 money) to bid for the items that we like. The items are the environment of workplace, team work, promotion, stable job etc. I had bid $3000 on a category,"To be able to get along with colleagues", unknowingly to me, that category happens to fall on General Management! Which means that I am looking forward to supervisor position or to be a boss! Oh no! That is NOT what I want! I "fight" with Alan and Elson for that category and I regret it at the very end. The rest of my $2000 I bid on "Helping others", which falls under the "Service Dedication". Alan then outbid me on the "Meaningful job natural" which falls under the "Service Dedication" too. If I were really to have money to bid, I guess I would have bid these category: Lifestyle(slackers or people who enjoys life out of work), Entrepreneurial(people who like to start a business or run their own business, they do not like to constrain to usual 9 - 5 work hours. They prefer to work on their Own Time Own Target), Security/Stability and lastly, Service/Dedication to a cause(Like servers, F&B, retailing etc).

At the end of the day, I bid them goodbye and left. On the way home, I suddenly realize who Kian Hock was! His name used to be Kian Huat! My ex-MacDonald Manager! I had used to see him in his uniform, that's why I could not recognise him when he is in casual wear! But too bad, I couldn't attend the rest of the course because of my stupid work!

Had a conference with Lorraine and she asked us to do a CG blog?! She said since I blog almost everyday, she ask me to design a blog for the CG! But the problem is, I don't know how to use to new format of the new blog. The new blog format is very complicated and very inconvenient! I think I will need a blogger expert to help me along! Help....

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Giving up + Flea Market = Can I withdraw back into my OWN life?

Went out with BaoBei's Mum yesterday morning. Window shopping around and then we went to Macdonald's for lunch. Tried a bowl of Laksa at a cafe before that, but the Laksa is not spicy enough. Went to meet HuiYi at Orchard to go to the Flea market with her, but she went there on her own with her friend, LiLian first. Bump into Esther and Da Lao Po there! Bought a lot and things and did an express manicure that cost $8! But look very plain -_-". Went to visit my ITE friend who had a stall selling earrings there.

Esther then show me to a stall where we had our tarot card fortune telling. One question cost $3. Sheryln ask about her love life and Career. Which what the card shows and the teller says it's true! She ask Sheryln to be more confident. She also ask Sherlyn to beware as those who see her weakness will make use of her. I then ask about my career and marriage life. She says that it's better for me to work in a job where there's lesser pay but at least I am more happier, rather than I work in a job with a better pay but I am not very happy with the job I am doing. She also ask me to look out for opportunists for jobs that I know I could do well, and ask me to try for those jobs. As for marriage, she says that I will struggle during the early stage of marriage but I will do well. For my love life, I will quarrel with my partner alot but the relationship will still be there. If there's ever a break up occurs, then something is very wrong with the relationship. But basically, we will just argue but still stay strong. BaoBei ask for his career and certain group of friendship

Went for service after that and hear Bro's announcement before we were dismissed. During the night, I received Ming Wei's call to apologise. I was like,"..........." but in reality, I was quite surprise to received his phone call, that I practically didn't spoke to him on phone. Later when I manage to snap back to reality, I then SMS him that he's forgiven.

I guess from now on, I will either blog here or I just keep quiet. I don't know how to express myself in person. Maybe this is my only way that I know how to say things out. I am sorry if I hurt anyone in any way, BUT think about it first: IT'S MY OWN PRAYER LIST! Why the hell do you care what I put in it!? I am not well, means I am not well! So what if the whole cell group knows about it? Yes, Gossip all you want! Just don't let me know who you are! And if you are one of those who gossip about me, I have this to say to you: IF YOU DARE, SAY IT TO MY FACE IN PERSON! And to MingWei: I am sorry too. But I will try....if only I can express myself well in person like in my blog.

I will end here for now. Sister Lorraine, can I don't add my name anymore? Since people think that I am "Bold" in my Prayer list, then forget it. I am FINE! In the eyes of the Lord! and NO THANKS! I don't need encouragement cards!

Once again...

Hold my hand, tell me you love me
once again, tell me you need me by your side
Let our love be in twine, once again

Let our heart beats as one
Let our love be united as one
Let our hope be revived, once again

They said we will never last till the end
They said our love will die as quickly as a fire on a match stick
But since the day you came,
your presence gave me courage and hope
you showered me with love where I never once had

Perhaps along the way, we forgot
of the love we once shared
Perhaps we took each other for granted
forgotten about the tough journey that we both shared

Misunderstandings and fights came along
to drift us further and further apart
The trust has broken
The love has long gone
Trying so hard to regain the forgotten love,
perhaps, I've forgotten the love I once had for you

Don't give up, don't let go
was all they FINALLY said
Let's give Love another chance
to bring us back again

Hold my hand, once again
Walk with me till the end
Say you'll love me, once again

Contact Lens + Teach me?

Met Katherine at the very last minute near her place. Bought a pair of contact lens at $19!(or $19.90?) Bought a pair for BaoBei at $18 EACH! I was very angry at BaoBei cos he forgot to take our handphones out! Then that explain a waste trip cost at $20! Shen Qi!!! I regret buying my pair of contact lens cos it's a 3 colour tone and it doesn't look good on me. I guess maybe I'll change it next time(it's a monthly disposable contact lens) BaoBei's contact lens is much more expensive cos his is $18 EACH! Cos his vision has degree while mine has no degree(As if!). The sales person then teach us how to wear the contact lens as well as how to identify if the contact lens is in correct side for us to wear it. As we wear it for the very first time, the sales person said that we couldn't wore it for more than 10 hours. We must take it off after 4 hours.

We then went to queue for service. Saw Esther Leong walk by and greet her. Lost BaoBei during the midst of queuing up. I then saw people dismantling the rills and get in and was very angry! I thought to myself, if people could "cut queue" like that, why can't we?! There's even an usher walk past when they did that but she didn't do anything! Some kinda usher!

When we finally get to rush into the hall, the moment I step in, my vision was blurred and I couldn't see anything. After that my vision became a bit clearer but the sides are still blurred. I then scratch out my hand to touch the chairs as I moved. BaoBei then tap me from behind and ask,"What are you doing here? Where's Chee Yuan?" I replied that I think I lost him and I couldn't really see. He said that his eyes are also starting to get blurred. We finally manage to locate Chee Yuan and settle down. I told HuiYi about my eyes and she take a look at it and said,"Your contact lens is drying up le. That explains the blur vision. Take it out quickly!" She then lend me a small pocket mirror and I take the lens out to soak. Haiz..thought could wear until 5pm but seems like I can't.

The message that Pastor preach for the day was good. After that, we went for fellowship at Bedok Market. Ai Zhen bought chicken wings! While BaoBei and me bought food from other stores. Went back with HuiYi by cab with Jing Xian. Joke around in the cab and HuiYi was laughing out loud. Went to Esplanade and tried to take a scroll with BaoBei but the place I wanted to take BaoBei to walk, was sealed. Went back home disappointed...

Broken heart + cracked love = Break up season

I guess from the above title you would know how I am feeling now? No no no, I don't need encouragement cards. I am just venting whatever I am feeling here. Work was quite okay yesterday. Boss is not in today!!!(An Shuang!) That explains why I can blog openly. Finish all the work he ask me to do. So now doing my own stuff. Derek has left to do his sales outside. So basically, I am left alone in this cold office.

While I was at work yesterday, BaoBei SMS me. I didn't really bother to message him back cos I was busy counting stocks. After that, I then reply him and he SMS me things that made me very angry. I then ask HuiYi to call me. While I was talking to her, I felt like crying out. But I manage to hold back my tears cos it's not nice crying on the phone. The other party will not be able to hear clearly what you have said. Cos recently there's so-called,"Third party" in the midst of our relationship. It turns out to be a misunderstanding in the end. Maybe this is a test from God but whatever it is, I had failed the test. I then told HuiYi about it and she said,"Huh?! Impossible lah! Er...er...Yen Hao is not like that de lah. He's not the kind of person lah. I believe it's a mistake. Don't cry ok?"(I think she can differentiate my "normal" voice and my almost-want-to-cry-out voice) She then ask,"How come huh? Now is break up season is it?" She said the friends around her who are in relationships, broke up one after another just recently. An infamous blogger also broke up with her boyfriend just last week(after 2 years of courtship!)

To fall in love is easy, but to SUB STAIN the love is difficult. Part of me feel like giving up. But most of the people around me, tell me to give the relationship another chance. I feel that there's a crack in the relationship and it's very difficult to mend the crack.

Went for fellowship with Lorraine, HuiYi, Chee Yuan and Anthea yesterday. When Lorraine ask,"So how's you and YenHao?" I look at HuiYi for awhile and then replied,"Erm..okay" Chee Yuan then answer for Lorraine,"What do you mean by 'Okay'?" I then keep quiet. HuiYi then slap on my hand hard and signal me to tell Lorraine about the letter that I wrote for BaoBei. I didn't. She then speak up for me and Lorraine was slightly annoyed,"Ask him, need her telephone number? Need her birth date? Need her address? Some more what he need?" HuiYi then laugh. She really sound like Bro.Khai at times, while Chee Yuan sound like Lorraine. I mean their words lah. Lorraine said when the helpers grow, they begin to be like their leaders(or something like that?) I was surprise that even Anthea sound like Lorraine in SMS!(Heard from Katherine)

Went to Food Culture to have dinner. BaoBei then call my handphone, speak to him a little while and pass the phone to Lorraine. She also speak to me in the end and said this is not the first time it happened. She then talk to me the difference between guys and girls.

Went home and log into my game. I was surprise ALL of my SL friends are there. Went to my "Mummy's" newly renovated Pub. Drink till my Avatar got drunk and puke all over the place. She's a more "powerful" drinker than me(had 4 glasses of Tequila shots, 1 big bottle of Absolute Vodka, 7-8 big cans of Tiger beer and 4 glasses of Martini)before she finally collapse onto the floor. Unlike me, I just need 15-18 glasses of Vodka before I really collapse like her(IN THE PAST! and in RL) "Mummy" was worried and she IM me and ask,"Sugar, are you okay? How come drink so much?" There's an underage new friend who join us, only 17. My Avatar puke on his shirt!(Oh no!) The rest of my SL friends then partied way into the night. It was daytime when they partied but I change the Region Default to mid-night(This is the coolest thing in SL!) so that they could continue clubbing all they want.

I think I will end here for now. Starting to lose hope on some things. Will blog again some other time.

Heartache(Xing Shuan)

Surfing the net as I really have nothing to do at work. I had already ask my Boss is there anything that he wants me to do? But he just told me to get out?! I didn't blame him for his attitude cos I am in the wrong on my side...long story.

I then went to read someone's blog, and her latest entry made me very upset. Although her entry is not direct at me, but somehow I feel very depress and pain for her entry. I can really understand her feelings as I had been through her stage before. I just feel very useless that I don't know what to say to encourage her.

Towards the end of her sentence in her blog, I felt a mixture of guilt and sadness. I then ask myself,"Have I been spending too much time "busy" doing things on my own that I neglect everyone around me?" Answer is YES. I missed a friend's(actually 2 friends)wedding dinner, cos of church commitment. It has also been quite a long time since I last hang out with my own friends. When one of my friend's gave birth, I was the LAST to know. I had promised her that I would accompany her for her delivery of her son, but I miss it in the end. She didn't blame me but said that she understands that I am busy. I also missed my God-sister's wedding with her boyfriend(now husband) cos her wedding crush with Emerge. Why is it that I keep missing out things?

No wonder the sick and dying quote a sentence that we should stop once in a while to look around us. I think I had missed too many things to even notice. I am afraid if I carry on this way, one of my FRIENDS will ask,"Who are you?" one fine day...

Will blog again some other time...sorry, no mood to continue blogging...Crying for her...

Blog about Sunday...

Woke up extremely late on Sunday and slack around at BaoBei's place. Initially wanted to go window shopping with him but didn't manage to go in the end. Kinda fustrated! Anyway, BaoBei is not the kind of person you would want him to accompany you for window shopping. The reason is, he simply doesn't like it.

Went out to meet his friends at Cineleisure and went to Billy Bombers for dinner. Wah! Expensive leh! I ate a Sirloin Steak while BaoBei ate Fish 'n' chips. I order a coffee which cost $3+ while BaoBei ordered a shake..total bill was $36.60!!! I was like,"Wah!!!" But then the most expensive is on my side lah. I hate something that his friends comment which I don't agree with!!! They said,"Ai yah! GST package we get $200 already what!" I regret telling Wei Da how much I got so he never told me how much he got in the end. But base on his housing estate, I had a feeling he either got $250 or $300. Even though he didn't tell me. Cos the smaller housing you lived in, the more the amount of GST package you will get. BaoBei then saw me keep calculating here and there and he ask,"Is anything wrong?" I said,"Nothing...Ni Xi Huan Jiu Hao"(learn from Bro.Wen Khai)

After that they wanted to go to K-box to sing. I was like,"O.o!!!" BaoBei then look at me, as if to ask,"Can we go too?" I then wave my hand to him and he reluctantly tell his friends,"Erm..I think we should go home..it's getting late". His friends then Booed at him and said,"Wah liew! Shao Xing!"(meaning like spoiling the mood). I then think to myself,"Haiz...money problems again. How good would it be if I have two jobs instead of one!" Cos I can "support" BaoBei that way and with more money, we can do almost anything. But then it would mean I have to stop going to church and lesser time with BaoBei. I know of some jobs, which works at night for $40-$60 per day. Timing is 3pm - 11pm or 11pm - 7am. It pays weekly. But if Lorraine were to find out what job it is, I think she'll try to talk things out with me...Haiz...Abba! Help!

Went home while his friends plan to watch movie instead. They wanted to watch "Transformers", which I don't feel like watching. I then look through the movie list, none of the movies I like to watch. So, Katherine, if you are reading this, sorry. Ex is one thing, but seriously none of the movies is the kind I would sit and watch. If you know what I mean. I would probably slept through the whole movie. I appreciate your thought but still I have to say sorry to you. I hope you'll understand.

Went to BaoBei's place and help him with his packing and then head to my place. He finally get to eat the new Western food that's just opened for business not long ago near my place. Create an account in SL for BaoBei and I introduce him to my SL friends. They were very happy to see him, especially my "God-mother". "Engaged" with BaoBei in SL but haven't got a wedding yet. "Mummy" says she'll plan a wedding for us if all the procedures are done. But the wedding package is "expensive".

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.