Handphone lost + Head pain = Ouch! BaoBei...I am sorry

Went to work in the morning and everything was as usual, until lunch time...

I was about to go out to buy lunch but I went to the washroom first. I brought BaoBei's hp along with me. I think I left it somewhere on top of the "wall" and then left in a hurry without checking. The next thing I knew, the handphone was gone! Along with all BaoBei's contacts! I then run here and there and keep asking around if anyone seen a N73 handphone but no one saw it. As I keep rushing, I trip on something and fell. I land quite badly as I "skie" and my head hit against the glass door hard. I thought I heard a cleaner behind me screaming. Luckily the glass door didn't break. But my head hurts!

No mood to have lunch and I ate a little bit. I did call at first but no one answers the phone. After that, when I called the 2nd time, it diverts to my voice mail. I knew immediately that I couldn't get the phone back and I feel very sad cos that's not my phone! That's BaoBei's phone! I called BaoBei to apologise to him. He seems calm about it. I don't know how could he still be so calm especially I lost his beloved handphone?! When my Boss learnt that I had lost a phone, he got a replacement for me - His business phone!(Samsung latest model slide handphone!) I didn't accept it. Cos...what if I accidently scatch his phone? What if I drop it? what if I lost it - again?! So I kindly reject his kindness. He even offer to accompany me to ask around the HP company if they had seen a handphone? I thought that such things he wouldn't care cos....it's none of his business. Cos he's a busy person and always have a lot of things to do.

Spend the rest of the day crying over it. I am heartache not because of the SIM card that is inside but rather, it's the phone itself! Cos that is not my phone! How am I going to face BaoBei? Went to the ladies and saw the cleaner again(the girl who scream when my head hit the glass door) The first thing she ask when she sees me is,"Hey, are you okay? I saw you running and you hit your head on the glass door just now when you fell" I give her a sheepish smile and said I am fine. Luckily the glass door didn't break. Or else I won't suffer just a knock on the head alone. My face might have been pierce if the glass door were to broken in pieces. We then chat for a long time in the washroom.

Went to get a replacement SIM card at Vivocity but......I have no phone to use for now. Some of my contacts also gone together with BaoBei's phone. I can only remember certain people's number: BaoBei's hp number, HuiYi hp number, YuZhi's hp number, Esther Ho's Hp number, Derek's old hp number and my brother's hp number only. The rest, I couldn't remember.

I think I'll end here for now. Anything just email me. Don't SMS or call me anymore.

Hanging out with HuiYi + How can I change my mindset? = Help!

Went to work in the morning and reach work early. Haiz..work was quite slack for the day. I wonder when I could leave? I really hate staying on. HuiYi once said before that the more you prophesy, the more it will come to pass? But why isn't the words that I keep confessing come to pass? Maybe it will...soon. I hope.

Went to lunch alone as usual. After that I slack at office almost for the whole day cos Derek and Boss are out around 4pm. After work I went to Harbour front to purchase some snacks before meeting HuiYi for dinner. Went to BK where we chat about a lot of things and she ask me to do a comprehension about blog for me but I could think of anything and wrote a short comprehension for her. MY SHORTEST COMPREHENSION IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! Feel so upset with myself that I couldn't write anything useful for her! What happen to my English?! Argh!!! Pek Cek!!! Cos I expect myself to write a lengthy long comprehension about Blog for her but...haiz...Less than 200 words lor!

Went to the top level of Vivocity to chat with her. Share with her some of my relationship problems with her and she seems half-surprise and half-shock by what I said about BaoBei. I told her that ever since BaoBei become more good-looking, I found myself detest him more and more instead of treasuring him and loving him wholeheartedly where I should be. I told her that I feel "normal" when communicating or looking at BaoBei at a distance but when BaoBei tried to hug me or get close to me, I feel irritate and have a very strong urge to push BaoBei away! I cannot talk to BaoBei face-to-face at all. As in, really close contact face-to-face type. HuiYi ask if I know the reason for my behaviour? After thinking for some time, I think it could be due to BaoBei's looks. Cos the YenHao I know before, was not so good-looking. Ever since he has become more handsome, I found myself getting more and more insecure and more and more irritated with him. HuiYi continue asking questions and then I know the answer to my behaviour: I was being condemn and received sarcastic remarks from a ex-guy-friend of mine when I was in Sec.1 who happens to be good looking. From then on, I hated all the good looking guys to the CORE! Anyway, if my friends ever notice, that is the reason why my ex-boyfriends whom I have dated were never handsome! When I first met BaoBei, I notice his features first, then his entire looks. I had a feeling that if BaoBei were to slim down, he would be quite good looking base on his face alone. But then what I never discover was my own reaction towards BaoBei. I almost forgot....I hate handsome guys.

HuiYi said the reason why I behave and so-called "reject" BaoBei's intimacy(e.g: Hug) is because of my childhood mindset towards good looking guys. The more I realize on which part BaoBei look good at, I will have a subconscious rejection towards him. Oh no! She said the only way, is to change my views and mindset towards the good looking guys, maybe my reaction towards BaoBei will change once I do this? No wonder I tried to show love but end up arguing and fighting with BaoBei instead. I don't know what to do?

Went home after bidding HuiYi goodbye. I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time...BaoBei, Dui Bu Qi. Bu shi wo bu ai ni. Zi Shi wo heng nan biao da wo de ai. Sorry!

Stupid Boss! + Insecurities = Fears

Nothing much happen at work today. Derek came late for work. His face was super black when he came in! I tried to greet him but he just walk past me. Okay...never mind *shrugs* Derek finally said out what he tolerated for so long - He wish to resign. I think Boss was taken aback by what Derek said and then sort-of "Phycho" him, not to leave. In the end, Derek said he decided to continue to stay on *Fainted!* I wish him all the best since he decided to continue to stay.

Never had I ever met such an unreasonable(and I mean super duper unreasonable!!!) Boss in my whole life before! I was hoping that I could leave this "Prison" place! I had enough! My patience is not as good as Derek's! I do hope that my Boss learns his "lesson". Just because you employee is soft-spoken, patient or tolerating, doesn't mean that you can abuse them! Seriously, the way he treated us, if he were to meet another employee who couldn't stand him and knows how to fight back, the employee could sue him for abuse! Humph! Haiz....enough is enough.

Actually, ever since that incident, I don't wish to blog anymore. It's my own blog!!! Yes, Lorraine still say,"Mind your words you use in your blog cos you might hurt someone". I know. That is why I now decided to make my blog so-called "Private" cos I couldn't keep track and I don't know who exactly has been viewing my blog? Yesterday's Channel U talks about blogging. They describe blogger of 3 attitudes:

1)A blogger who blogs about anything and everything of his/her life(ME!)

2)A blogger who only blogs Generally("on the surface" type)

3)A blogger who blogs fake things to gain attention(-_-")

There is this stupid guy on TV, he said,"I think those people who blog everyday are either "Bo Liao" or nothing better to do so they keep blogging" I feel like throwing something on his face!

Talk with BaoBei and HuiYi after that. Somehow, my feelings towards BaoBei is no longer the same. I know he is disappointed in me. Sorry, maybe I just don't know how to love someone. Lately, he keep joking about looking for another girlfriend. But if it ever come to pass, I won't say anything, but will let him go. Seriously speaking, if a person who won't mind looks, BaoBei is really a very good catch! Somehow, the more good looking BaoBei become, the more insecure I feel. It's not that I don't like him to dress-up or style himself. But because of my split-personality thing, I don't know how to explain my own feelings.

I love it now that BaoBei has become more good-looking and when Esther Leong once comment,"Wah! YenHao! You've become handsome le leh!" Part of me feel very proud that someone gave BaoBei a positive affirmation, which is true, especially he wears contact lens and that he style his hair to Amani. But another part of me feel very insecure and depress. Cos good-looking guys usually attract girls attention! There was once when we board MRT, a few teenage girls(some whom are quite pretty) would steal glances at BaoBei. But when they notice that I started to glare at them, they look away. BaoBei didn't notice the girls. I don't know how would any other girls feel if some other girls were to look at their boyfriend? But to me, I feel insecure instead of feeling proud. I know Pastor taught in "Making marriage work" before that we should look good for our partners. But...now that it happens to me, I don't feel comfortable with it. I know BaoBei tried his very best to lose weight and to look good just for me, I am happy. But at the same time, I feel lousy about myself. A lot of What ifs...came to my mind.

Went to join CGMs for lantern thingy. Most of them were having fun. On the way, I talk to Jaslyn about work and Derek a lot. She was very agitated that Derek hides things from her. Oops! She didn't know?! I'm in big trouble now! I don't know what to do?

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time...

Finally said it out...BUT!

Nothing much to do at work today. A few weeks ago, I told Boss that I want to give but he don't allow me. This time, was different. He was lecturing Derek as usual. Then out of the blue, he ask,"Are you serious about work"? To which I did not reply. I just don't know how to say. Cos, if I were to say,"Yes", he will surely say,"But I don't see your effort!" If I say,"No" He will scream at me. What can I say?

After that he called me into his office and talk to me. He ask if I really had made up my mind or just saying it at the "spur of the moment"? I told him that I have made up my mind. Although I do not really know how to go on from here, but at the same time, I know that I couldn't stay on this job any longer. But...I do not know when I could finally leave?

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Pain....ouch! Sick!

I do not know what is wrong with my right knee? I don't remember injured myself or whatever but it has been pain for quite sometime. No, it's not the surface or the flesh inside...I think It's the bone. I only feel pain when I try to get up after sitting or kneeling. But have no problem bending my knees. I wonder what is wrong? When I told BaoBei, he said I might have "Gu Tou Shu Shong Zhen" I don't know what is that? Meaning my bones are weak and brittle. It happens when a person rapidly loses weight(which I don't) or have weight inconsistency all the time. It will affect the knee area. But if that was so, how come I only feel pain in my right knee and not both knees? He sound so serious and said it my bones are really brittler and I happen to injured the same pain spot like I have now, I might break my bones in the affected area and it's permanent damage. I might not be able to walk on that affected leg anymore. I don't know but then I think it's not serious.

Feeling very painful in my head and have slight fever. I don't know what is wrong. So I SMS HuiYi that I won't be going for service. BaoBei ask me to rest. Feeling pain here and there. I request BaoBei to buy porridge for me but he said he will buy KFC for me instead...what the....?! A person who is not feeling well, you still let the person eat fried stuff? But then ok lah.

Went for interview on Thursday evening in an Vietnamese restaurant located at Millenia walk. I had trouble locating the place. What they state in the newspaper advertisement, is VERY different of what they told me! The newspaper advertisement wrote like this: "IMMEDIATE VACANCY Looking for part/full time service crew. 5 days work week. Walk in interview at #01-26 Millenia walk(Opp Suntec City). Call 1234567 for interview." Note that the newspaper advertisement states like this. But when I go there for interview, they told me that it will either give me weekdays off or only Sundays off. It is not possible to give me weekends off. If it's really the case, what is the 5 day work week about?! I know that if I am given weekdays off, the it is really a 5 day work week but I don't want weekdays off! Plus the person who interviewed me, is interested in only giving me a full time position. I explain to her that I have difficulty leaving my current job and that I would like to take up a 2nd job. She gave me a strange look and told me to just resign or give my current company a month notice and I can leave. Humph! If only it was that easy! My stupid Boss won't let me go! Anyway, since it's a weekdays off only 5-day job, sorry, I am not interested. I don't need weekdays off. The interviewer suggest me to study Shatec if I am really interested in F&B line cos that cert will bring me somewhere and I will succeed in life in F&B career with that cert. I have yet to try a restaurant that is run by Shatec school and students. I forgot where exactly is it located but BaoBei remembers it. I heard that the food there is nice but then, it's not cheap.

Went for combine CGM yesterday. Before that, I had dinner with HuiYi and Stephanie. I was feeling sad for Stephanie. But I guess everyone has problem of his or her own. I was shock to hear about what one of an ex-CGL said to Stephanie! All along, my impression for this ex-CGL is not so bad, although I never interact with this person before. But now, I don't know. Went to toilet with Stephanie and after that we went to somewhere to talk for awhile. She share with me a bit about her past life and that she wasn't happy each time she did something. I know exactly how she feels. Not because that I am a woman too. But because what she gone through in her past, is what I have also gone through the exact same situation too. She said that she doesn't feel loved in the outside world and that she has no real friends outside. She is alone. She said that she may seems to be "popular" among male friends and that on the surface, it may seems that she has a lot of friends but then she feels lonely inside. Cos she feels that the friends are not real and that her guy friends only ask her out for a motive. I feel sad for her. She confess that she come to church is not for God. But because she has nowhere else to go. I feel that she's trying to gain acceptance. She wants people to accept for who she is. She used to be from my ex-CG too but somehow for some reason, she back slided. I never interact with her much then. All I see is a very happy-go-lucky girl. But after what she shared with me, I realize that she is not happy inside at all. I don't know what to say to encourage her. I just told her that if she feels that she don't feel accepted outside, Church is the place where she can find true acceptance. I then wrote her a letter to encourage her. I don't know if it will impact or touch her, but still I wrote. Even if she don't feel anything, at least I want to let her know that I truly care for her.

I guess I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Increase in expenses + Decrease in Salary = Depression x Stress

I guess my money problem never come to an end. The latest news on fare hike increase doesn't seem any good news to me. Lorraine told me before that if Boss doesn't let me go, there must be a reason. I don't know. With the increase in expenses, I do not know how am I going to cope? The only way is to work a second job. BaoBei says that if I ever work both jobs and feel that I couldn't cope with both anymore, I could quit one of the jobs. The problem is - How? Anyway, I really do not know what is the kind of job that is suitable for me.

I don't earn much but then I am going to have CPF deduction, which means my take home pay will be much more lesser. I don't really care, I know that it's hard to cope with such a low amount of money but at the same time, I am shock to know that one of an insurance that is under my name, DEDUCTS FROM MY CPF instead of my father's GIRO account! WTH! I don't know what is wrong with the transport system?! Although some people feel that it's okay that it's just 1 - 3 cents increase, but to low-income earners like me, even 1 cent of fare hike means alot! Not to mention about the transferring of buses cost 3 cents more! Yes, it's may cost less expensive than owning a car, but I do not know if you had notice, since 2005 until now, the fare of transportation keeps on adjusting higher and higher! Yet the pay remains the same! I do not know how am I going to cope from now on.

Not much things going on lately so that explains why I never update my blog. Anyway, there's nothing for me to share. Cried while imagining things. Things that may not happen. I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Sorry...

Until now, I do not know how many people has read my blog. Since everything happen because of what I blog, I decide to change my link. BaoBei was scaring me the whole day yesterday. Before we went out, he was sharpening(is that what you call?) the knives. I ask him,"What was that for? Why are you sharpening the knives for?!". He look at me and replied,"Humph!" and continue doing that. Okay, I know maybe the way I ask was wrong, but he is really scaring me!

We took a cab to church cos I was very late for my BS with Lorraine. Was suppose to meet her at 1pm but I woke up late and SMS her. She push it to 3pm instead. I reach there at 3+pm and she was not there. I know I was late. Sorry. When BaoBei reach there, he storm toward foyer 3 angrily as if to look for someone. His look was murderous! The kind of look as if you want to beat up someone. I touch his arm to ask him,"BaoBei, what happen?" He push off my hand and continue searching for I-don't-know-what-and-who? I saw Chee Yuan pass by and shout for him. He was shock and said,"Yes?" I ask his help to take care of BaoBei. He look confused. I called HuiYi to ask where was she and she said she was in bus with YuZhi. After I told her what happened, she ask a few of the Brothers in our CG for help. Most of them do not know what's going on?

Went to meet Lorraine and she talk to me about some things. I cried when she told me about HuiYi. I do not know that HuiYi has done so much things for me. The part that I cry, because Lorraine said that every time when she's angry, HuiYi will try her best to side me and help me whenever she can. She ask HuiYi and Jacqueline to come to talk too. Seriously, half the time, I do not know what is Jacqueline talking about? When I ask her a question, she replied me about BaoBei's tag instead. I do not know if ANYONE has notice, throughout the time, she was looking at Lorraine's face when she talk. I know I am in the wrong. If I am really in the wrong and you think that you are right, why then you do not look at me when you talk? Lorraine is not the one who do you wrong. I am the one. When I ask her a quote in her blog, she replied about BaoBei's tag. I was like,"Hello? I am asking you a question?" That is why when Lorraine said,"Juliet, now do you understand?" I shook my head. Because I am asking you a question and you are not answering me! Lorraine help her to say out what she meant. But still, I feel that the matter did not solve at all. But since she blog in her blog that it's over, I'll treat it as it's over.

We left after Pastor finish preaching. Cos initially he have to meet JJ. But they never get to meet in the end. He was scaring me the whole time! Where is the innocent and gentle BaoBei I have known?! His attitude was back to before and that scares me. He behave totally like a different man that I couldn't recognise! My BaoBei is calmer than me!!! When I was walking with him, I feel like crying. This is NOT the BaoBei that I've known! My BaoBei don't use violence!

I felt lost, is it my fault again? I do not know who to turn to. Okay, or maybe I am exaggerating. I don't know what to do? Where's my BaoBei? The Gentle, loving and kind BaoBei? Why has things become this way?

Argh!!!!! I'm going crazy soon!

Went to work today as usual. After lunch time, I had boldly request to talk to my Boss. He then sat at the conference room and he ask me what is it? I told him that I wish to resign and would work until end of next month. He was quite unhappy and ask me to continue to stay on. He told me not to give up just because I find it difficult to cope. He reject my resignation and ask me to continue to work. Sianz!

Went out with my parents to walk around at Toa Payoh. Nothing much to see there. My brother ask about BaoBei. He ask me questions which I never heard before and a few questions I just don't know how to answer him. Went home to play SL till I almost fainted. I think I stare at the computer for too long. Most of my SL friends starts fading away. There are some new members coming in. Some from Hong Kong, some from Taiwan. Started to "avoid" my SL friends too and live in my own world even in SL. I don't mingle with them much anymore.

Esther, if you see this, please don't ask me out anymore. Sorry that I really couldn't make it to Lynn's birthday. The money that I owe may take me a longer time to return you all. Gomenasai! May consider taking a 2nd job. Have discuss BaoBei about my second job and he is very angry over it. The only job that could earn $7 per hour - Night shift. But then many of you would disapprove. Anyway, I am really very stress over it. I had already state one of the reason why in my previous blog(go figure it out yourself).

I will end here for now. Have to get some rest. I am not tired but don't know why I feel like fainting? No worries. I am alright! Okay?

Lorraine's encouragment + Quarrel = I don't wish to talk so don't bother me!

Went for Service yesterday and was late. Actually I was suppose to have BS with Lorraine but I couldn't find my BS book anywhere at my house. I SMS Baobei to ask him to help me search for it to see if I have left it at his place? After search here and there, still couldn't find my BS book. Had no choice but to tell Lorraine that I won't be attending BS with her. Cos..how to attend when I don't have the book? The worst thing is that I do not know which lesson I am at now. Lesson 7? I forgot.

Went for lunch with Lorraine instead. She called me when we are on our way to Expo. I couldn't recognise her voice at all! I look at my phone before I pick up and the screen flash,"Lorraine 12345678 calling...(Lorraine's number. Sorry cannot reveal lah!)" I answered,"Hello?" But then, the person who spoke to me, doesn't sound like Lorraine at all! I stare blankly in space, then look at my hp again,"Call 1" I feel like asking the person,"Who are you?" When the fact is that it's Lorraine's number. Cos her voice sounds so sweet that I never heard such a voice before! I replied,"Er..yeah. We are on our way" she said she will be waiting for us at the food court. I then hang up. BaoBei ask me,"Who call?" I said,"Lorraine. But then, her voice doesn't sound like Lorraine. Her voice sound like half of Katherine's voice" BaoBei then give me a whierd look. If you know how does Katherine's voice sounds like, you will know why I give that look yesterday.

Went to food court to search for Lorraine. Took me quite a while to spot her. Cos I am not observant enough. She then talk to me about my work. She then introduce a cafe near Bona Vista and said that the job is not suitable for long term. It's run by our own church member so maybe I could request for 5 days work week. I wonder why.

Went for service and I was surprise that the hall was quite empty! Usually for service, the hall will be either full house or half pack by members. But yesterday when we step into the hall, I was surprise! BaoBei was surprise too and said,"How come the hall look like almost empty?" Jac brought her schoolmates to church. I did not mingle with them. Especially the "Ah lian". She has piercings everywhere and a tattoo on her back. I gave her a look as if she was an Alien. In my mind I wonder,"Jac mix with Ah lians?!" Anyway I don't wish to talk to them at all. Cos all Ah lians have an attitude problem and the way they look at you, they are actually looking down at you cos you are different from them. Been there, done that. So I know. I have piercings too but I limited to my ears only. The moment the Ah lians came, the sisters flock to them and talk as if they are long-lost friends like that. While the brothers keep to themselves one side. I stayed with the brothers cos I don't wish to talk to the %$^%$#@!

After service, Lorraine encourage us to get to know the new friends cos they are "shy". Ya right man! But BaoBei insist to go home early. As we have not much money to fellowship, we went home first. On the way home, someone called me and said we did not fellowship for a very long time. I was very angry and part of me feel like shouting at her. We did okay!? She then hang up my call just like that! KNS!!! BaoBei saw me getting angry and ask what happen? I don't wish to talk. After that I show him one particular SMS and he was very angry and said,"Oh! Just because Mum's birthday they don't go fellowship! Then that time my Dad's birthday! I also still stay with the members and didn't go celebrate!" I said,'Then why you never tell me?" He told me that he don't cos he knows that I will buy gifts for his Dad. Anyway, that was suppose to be a surprise and that is why he insist me to go home that day. But I didn't. Anyway, I had enough. When I fellowship with the members, WERE YOU THERE?! Anthea then called me last minute asking me to pass her the book. I then went to the station just to pass to her and ran off. I am very disappointed that she don't understand me! She has the same situation as me but yet she is telling me all these! Humph! After all these years, I thought that you understand me! But it seems that you don't. I thought you are the person who know me inside out and know what I am going through. But after what you SMS me yesterday, I realize that you don't. Whenever I go out on weekends, I have to pay for BOTH PARTIES(me and YenHao's) expenses! I am really sort of cash nowadays. Anyway, I have given up on the members. If they don't co-operate really because that I fellowship with them lesser, then forget it. I won't bother to chase them for prayer list if they don't give me from now on. They are tired that I keep bugging them for prayer list? I am also tired of them for not giving me their prayer request. Anyway, if you see this and know who you are, don't bother to call me to explain anything anymore. If you don't understand me, then I have nothing to say. No need to say sorry or whatever anymore. I am disappointed! Really disappointed! Because of fellowship you can don't care about my problem, then never mind. We have nothing to talk.

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Hamster!!!!!!!!!!!! Hamster!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yehhh!!!! Yeh!!!!! -_-"

I seriously hate work!!! I want to switch job!!! I heard that my Boss wants to retain me and that he doesn't want to hire anymore people. How?! Help!!! I am planning to tell him on the 3rd of next month. If he doesn't want to release me, I will just disappear from the company like that. Yes, I know I may sound irresponsible, but hey! There is no fix contract to say how long I will be working, PLUS there are NO benefits for me! Anyway, I don't see any reason why I should stay! Seriously! When I told HuiYi about this, she was very agitated and said,"What?! Cheap labour huh?! Don't be so soft-hearted can?! I think you really should leave!" I really feel like crying but I couldn't.

I then SMS BaoBei that I won't be going home so early and will go out for a walk. Whenever I SMS this, immediately he knows that I am unhappy about something or that I feel sad over certain things. He called me and after hearing what I told him, he said,"Ya, I agree with HuiYi with this. You are too soft-hearted. Don't give him face lah! Just leave! Where on earth have such a low amount of money?! Even part timers are paid higher than you!" Okay, but the fact is that I am not considered a full-timer yet. At least not officially. Derek also told me to leave if I can but not now. Maybe next month. I think F&B is suitable for me. Or maybe because I am so used to work in F&B line that I am not used to work in other lines.

Recently I have some "silly" thoughts. When I told BaoBei about it, he was quite worried and somewhat upset about it. Maybe it's because that I do not like both my workplace and my work. I wish to leave but I don't know how. I guess I will just leave everything in God's hands and hopefully He'll help me to find a way out.

When I reach home, I went to my brother's room and happen to saw a cage in his room. When I went closer, I saw my favourite pet!!! HAMSTER!!!!!! I do not know what breed is it neither do I know how to tell their gender. Cos I never study deep into Hamsters and don't really know much about them. My brother raise one of his eye browns and said,"You like it? Give you lor. I don't want it anyway" I was like,"Huh?!" I ask him then why does he buy it since he don't like it? He said,"My friend buy that hamsters a few weeks ago. He said that he gets tired of it and don't want the hamsters le. So gave it to me. But I don't like hamsters! Since you like it, you can take it. Here are their food and mats". I happily take the hamsters to my room and play with them. Luckily, they don't bite(although somehow I expected them to)" Very cute! My Mum said that since I have to travel to and fro from BaoBei's place, there's no way I can take care of the hamsters. She complain that they are smelly. Yes, they do have foul smells at times but that is part of their smell!

I think I will end here for now. Now thinking of how to bring them to my workplace and to Cell group meeting...Hmm..any ideas?

The 7 Deadly Sins that I have..Haha! I think I can go to Hell..

Greed:	High
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	Very High
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	Medium

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Should I go? Or should I not?

Went for work today and just as I expected, PAY DEDUCTION. But then it was not too bad lah. Still within my expected range. Boss ask me whether I can handle the invoice thing and I honestly tell him that I couldn't really handle. Cos one slight mistake and that's it man! You're in for trouble big time!

The Accountant came and we chat for a while. She encourage me to switch job. She said office may not be the best for me after all and told me to go for further education if I can since I am still young. Ya..but...Money problem. I learn from Aidah that NTUC member could get subsidise but then I must pay $9 every month. Then I'll have to pay $300 - $400 for the course instead of $2000. Sounds worth it but...I don't know.

Boss left in the evening and Derek then psst at me,"Psst! Pssssst! Oei!" I then turn my head to him and then back to the computer again,"Ya?" He then came over and ask,"Oei, heard that you kena deduction ah? Deduct how much?" I then look at him and said,"You know the FnB job before I got this job? That pay lor. With no CPF" He said,"Wah liew! Then you better find a new job. It's not that I wanna pour cold water on you or what, but seriously lah. That kinda pay! You might as well stay at your previous FnB job to work right!? Please lah! If you can leave, just leave. Don't stay. For what?! At this low rate?!" I replied,"I wish so too!" But then he hasn't got any replacement to replace me. Further more, he's going overseas soon and the timing to leave is just not right. Miss too many opportunities of 5 days FnB job!(Hey I really found some FnB job that's 5 days but haven't got the chance to interview yet). HuiYi suggest that I go and study diploma in teaching since I love kids so much. I am still thinking.

I know I hesitate here and there but because I am afraid. I have burdens and only my close friends will know what are my burdens. I will see how things goes. I have speak to BaoBei and Lorraine about taking 2nd job. Lorraine said as long as it doesn't affect my spiritual life, CG and my relationship with BaoBei, she's okay with it. BaoBei said that if I feel tired when working both job, might as well give up one of the jobs. So...those friends of mine, if you ever SMS me to go out and I couldn't make it, you would know why. Either I am busy with church stuff or I am just busy working. I will see how things goes.

I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Fireworks Festival 2007

Feeling very stress at work today. Took quite a long time to print out the export invoice and Boss was not very happy. Accidently spoil the Invoice machine and Derek spend almost the whole afternoon trying to get it fixed.(Sorry Derek! >.<) During the time that Boss and Derek were away, I am thinking hard whether to remain in the company or look for another job? But Boss don't want to release me! Help! Speak to one of my Second Life game friend through MSN and he told me that actually, since I have no bond contract with the company, I can leave anytime. Haiz...

Went to meet BaoBei at City Hall and I was late for an hour. Went to pay my phone bill before that. Haha! Just as I predicted! It really came in $100+! We then get takeaway food from Subway but he said he's not full enough. Went down to get Takoyaki for him. It was a very long queue. Almost fight with a stupid idiot Auntie there! KNS! *******!!! I WAS IN THE QUEUE OKAY!!! ****!!!! I place my order but the stall assistant told me to wait. There are a few others who was waiting for the same food with me. I then walk away wanted to get some drinks but there was also long queue(just opposite the Takoyaki stall) I then go back to the line to wait. The stupid Auntie said,"Eh hello excuse me!? Where you came from?!" I glared at her and shout,"I was in the queue just now!" She stared at me and I stared back at her. The stall assistant look at me and then turn to the auntie,"Ya, she was here just now. She had already placed her order first" Finally after about 15 minutes, the food was ready. I walk past the Auntie and stared at her again.

Watch the fireworks display in amazement. Ask BaoBei to capture the whole thing with his camera phone. I pray that no calls will be ringing from the phone during the fireworks display. Saw a lot of different fireworks on display. There is even one of the fireworks play, with a heart shape design! Saw HuiYi and Samuel after the fireworks. HuiYi gave me a big hug.

Went home after that. Thanks for all those taggies. I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Work II

Finally I could learn to handle my work a little. Thanks for all those who prayed for me. Wen Ting's prayer almost came to pass. One of the things that she prayed for me was for my Boss to scold me lesser. Indeed he does! At least...for now. But then, Derek get scolding almost everyday still. Haiz...I do pray for him too, for favour of God to be upon him. I have finally learn to differentiate the headsets. Although some still looks the same to me. I could only differentiate a few.

I am thankful for God that I've such a nice Boss. Yes, he's quite temperamental at times. But the accountant told me that if I get to know Boss long enough, I might find him quite a nice guy. He did try to sack me. But then, there's no replacement to replace me - yet. I don't know is it because of this, that I am still staying on or what? He knows that I've a very poor memory. But nowadays, in order to make things easier for me, he wants me to put a note and he allow me to use the stick-on pad to remind myself certain things.

Today, I got the procedure wrongly and instead of lecturing me like he normally would, and which I expected him to, he explain to me step-by-step on what to do and even point out to me what exactly I did it wrong(which he normally doesn't do that). I was quite surprise by his reaction towards me today. Still, I admit my mistake and said,"Sorry Boss, It's my fault. Erm...not Derek's. Derek told me what to do but I got it wrongly. Sorry". He look at me with a surprise look on his face. But still, Derek been lecture Boss. Haiz... -_-"

On Sunday, Lorraine ask BaoBei and me for a talk. She said something that I find it quite true. She said that if I still don't know how to handle the same situation, it'll happen again and again until I know how to handle it with a right attitude. Half of me expected that she'll blast at me for my reaction on CG(on Friday?) But she didn't. I can sense her unhappiness though. Now I know why I always quarrel(and sometimes fight) with BaoBei almost for the same things. Almost broke up with BaoBei that day. I took out the ring that he bought for me and our photos and throw at him. BaoBei look like he's going to cry any moment. Our dialog went like this:

Him:"Can we talk later after CG?"
Me:"No! I don't wish to talk! There's nothing for us to talk anymore!"

Him:"Please? Let me explain..."
Me:(Cut him off)"There's nothing to explain!"

HuiYi later hear both sides of the story and she help us to get back together again. Lorraine told me that I almost hit HuiYi that day(I don't remember I did?!)She said whatever I've given away, I must let it "died down" and forget it. Cos once it leaves my hands, it's no longer mine(Sounds familiar leh).

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Happy National Day!!!

Sulking with BaoBei the whole afternoon cos he don't wish to go out. Yesterday he told me that he don't wish to step out of the house at all. I felt upset. This morning when we woke up, BaoBei keep dragging time here and there and we only left the house about 4+pm!!! I then sulk again and did not talk to him.

Reach Marina Square and was surprise that the arcade was still there. Went in to play the games there and we went to the roof top to see the fireworks. The fireworks was beautiful. BaoBei then rush to the Gents and I was left alone. Watch the whole fire works alone in the end. I then cried a bit while watching cos my mind drift to the day 9th August 1999. Thinking about my ex. He promised me he will watch again with me next year 9th August 2000. But that day never came and it will never come to pass. When BaoBei told me that he will try to get tickets next year to watch with me, I cried. Cos somehow I had a feeling it won't come to pass...or so I am afraid. Here are the pictures of the fireworks that we took:

The pictures are the view from BaoBei's side. BaoBei and me got separated by the crowds. Saw some ex-colleagues there and My Boss and his wife?!(But he never saw me). Saw Elaine too but then, ever since she join the church, she has been ignoring me. Unlike the old days when we were in school. Church really does change people. Either good or bad. There are good and bad Christians out there. I say this from what I see in church. So don't assume that just because someone is from church, he or she will be goody-two-shoes or holy. It all depends on the person himself/herself. That explains why, non-Christians always had this mindset,"Huh?! I thought Christians should be _____(fill in yourself)?!" Or "Huh?! I thought Christians cannot ______(fill in yourself)?! I admit I am one of the "bad" Christians lah. I don't live completely by The Bible(Although I really take my hat off those who could do it)still, I try my best to live up to the 10 commandments but recently I just break one of them. If you had been "chasing" my blog all these years you would know what is the one commandment that I break.

To Lorraine, I am sorry that I answer wrongly the other time. I was absorbing what you said so I reply you too fast(without thinking) and wrongly. I really didn't mean what I answer. Please forgive me. Those who were there to listen that time, were all shock by my answer but REALLY, I DIDN'T MEAN IT! Although there was once upon a time I was curious to find out what does being a Satanist like? Oh ya, talking about this, Russell Lee Book number 16 is out in stores!!! Those Russell Lee fans, you can go grab it now! There's one section that a person wrote about his Satanist adopted Parents. Quite interesting but scary. Now then I realize Satan does bless his worshippers like God! But there's a price to pay. It's something that I DON'T WISH TO PAY FOR! I pity that writer and I pray for him that he will get out of his adopted Parents clutches and hopefully meet his real biological parents soon.

BaoBei finally admit that he feels stress whenever he's with me. I also feel that there's something change in our relationship. We don't know how to communicate anymore. Actually it's my fault. I keep comparing him with others and he feels pressure that he couldn't give me what other's bf could give to their gfs. I want quality time but now we are so busy with our own that we hardly spend any real quality time together. I want his attention but he's been paying attention to his PSP that he doesn't even know I ever exist. I wonder will cold-war will do us any good to help us to think through what we really want in our relationship? Sorry, I am a person who don't know how to express and speak. Maybe blogging and writing are my only way to express myself. It's been too long since we ever had any heart-to-heart talk. He says that whenever we had any heart-to-heart talk, he needs to smoke in order to talk. That's what I hate most! He also know that if he ever smoke, I will "challange" him by drinking(which I promise Bro.Khai that I won't)and BaoBei hates my drinking style. He also feels upset that now I am beginning to shut down and don't wish to share my thoughts and my day with him. Like e.g: When I had a bad day at work, I don't know how to release my stress. I just SMS him not to call me. Then when he SMS me back and ask me to share with him how's my work today? He said he wants to listen to me. But I just SMS him back,"Leave me alone"then he'll feel that I don't open to him enough. It was only though HuiYi, then he gets to know what really happened. Cos I share a lot of things with HuiYi. He said that he feels sad that he has to go through other people in order to know what I am thinking and how I feel. I really don't know how to talk anymore. I guess no one could ever help me...

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time. Happy National Day Singapore!

Prayer buddy + Financial woes + SL Game

Had an extremely bad day yesterday. But it's all my fault. Don't know why that I couldn't absorb what Boss says. Perhaps I am tired. The stocks went "missing" again. Boss says if this continues to goes on, he will have to start charging us. Help! Stay back over time to do stocks.

Went home with burden. Keep thinking of using my old way to release my stress...but every time I think of this method, HuiYi's sad and crying face will flash in my mind. Maybe it could be a sign that God is telling me to think of the people's feelings around me before I do anything stupid.

Call Wenting to pray. Share with her my problems and she pray for me that I will adapt well in my work and that Boss will scold me lesser. But I don't want to stay in my work!!! Feel better after praying. I share with her that I was thinking of holding two jobs cos BaoBei's and me spend a lot. She ask me to spend wisely cos Lorraine definitely won't let me hold two jobs. If I were to hold two jobs, most likely I won't be able to pray. HuiYi's effort will be back to square one. NO!!! Cannot!!!

By the way, for those of you who are confuse by my blog, I am sorry. SL DOESN'T mean Spiritual Life. It means SECOND LIFE. It's a computer game. BaoBei and me are engaged in that game. By the way, my God-mother in that game help me to organise a simple wedding. It's a last minute wedding so very few of my SL friends attend. BaoBei has finally change his Avatar into a handsome guy instead of the nerdy Avatar. But his new Avatar is very "Ah Beng" with big bling-bling necklace and a big tattoo on his Avatar's back. He also add fire wings to his Avatar. Makes it look like "Angel of fire".

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Scary Prayer + unhappy episode = running away from things?

To be honest, it has been a very long time since I've prayed. HuiYi encourage me to seek God all over again and to pray again. I was very reluctant. But still I prayed. 5 minutes at first, then 10 minutes. Now the most I could pray by myself without my prayer buddy is 15 minutes. I feel that the time I spend with God is not enough. But I don't know how to "talk" to Him.

This morning when I came for work, Boss was not in the office. Yesterday, he ignore me at work just because I didn't greet him,"Good morning, Boss". Derek said,"Oei! Later a girl will come for interview". I then sat at my table to do a silent prayer(Pray in my heart + speak in tongues in my heart) that Boss will NOT come in today, or he'll just come to interview the new girl and hopefully rush to somewhere else after the interview. 30 seconds after I prayed, Boss call in to say that he won't be coming to the office. (O.o)!!! After that, exactly 1 minute later, a new girl came for interview. She get her interview with Boss through the phone. Er...prayer is really scaring me now. My prayers come to pass in just 1 minute!? I then pray that this new girl will get accepted into the office. Don't know when will it come to pass?

Went to meet BaoBei at Vivocity. He was late and I wait for him. I ask HuiYi to book two seats before that and I promise her that I will be at the Indoor stadium. BaoBei then arrive and we walk aimlessly at Vivocity. I then said,"Oei! What time le?! We have to go to the stadium!" He said,"Huh? Can we don't go? If we go I will surely sleep there and it's not just 1 or 2 minutes this time! It's throughout the service!" Argue with BaoBei and urge him to go. He then seems unhappy and abandon me alone at the superdog fast food restaurant and walk away from me very fast! I couldn't catch up with him and lost him among the crowds. Sprain my ankle while chasing him so I just walk slowly for the rest of the journey while trying to search for him. I wanted to cry out but then so many people are around me so I just control my tears. I then SMS HuiYi again to say that BaoBei walk very fast and his face is very black. I was scared.

Later when I finally saw him, he was very angry. I tried to talk to him but he ignore me. He then SMS someone which I don't know who and seems very angry. I then SMS HuiYi,"Er..Actually, I think it's my fault lah. I ask u 2 book seats cos I thought of rushing down after my work but I duno he's so tired. I'm sorry". Lorraine then call BaoBei's hp and BaoBei refuse to answer. I then answer it for him and Lorraine sound very angry on the phone. She ask for BaoBei. I then slap BaoBei's arm and said,"Lorraine look for you! Answer!" He brush off my hand twice before finally answering the phone reluctantly. I don't know what do they talk about? After that BaoBei hang up and said,"Come! Let's go eat something!" I started to have slight Gastric pain but still angry with BaoBei,"What did Lorraine say?" He don't want to answer me. Didn't went for service in the end.

BaoBei then apologise to me while we were deciding on what to order. -_-" I wonder what did Lorraine said to him? Do we still need to go for service? All my questions were left unanswered. BaoBei ask me to find out myself. Haiz...

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Health

I am considered on the way to recovering. Fall sick on Tuesday but I still went to work anyway. My bad cough came back(sian~!) and I was down with fever for two days. But still I went to work. No, no. It's not that I had to, but because I am the only admin staff there. Why can't they get a replacement to replace me? I tried to hide the fact that I am sick, from my Boss. But I keep having runny nose and he ask me to see a doctor. He pay for my medical fees cos I said I don't have money to see a doctor.

I am envious of the people around me who don't have money problems. Maybe because they know how to save. Aidah said she'll mail me the brochure about F&B course. She said if I were to take the course outside, I would have to pay $2000+ just for the school fees alone. She ask me to register to become a NTUC member, so that I could get subsidise, and the school fees I would be paying will be a lot of difference! I don't know how to go through with this, maybe have to ask for help. She encourage me to further my studies and pursue the course that I really want.

When I was alone at the office yesterday, I was very depress thinking of money problems, BaoBei and studies. My thoughts somehow drift towards pen-knife(if you know what I am thinking?). No, don't worry for me. I won't do it. It takes a lot of courage for a person to do that. Pen-knife is my ex-drug. I said drug because, if you notice people with multiple cuts, it's because they are addicted in cutting themselves. Yes, it's extremely painful. They cut themselves not because of the pain. Is the feeling they get AFTER the pain. It's a relieve after pain kind. The feeling is like, part of your problems are flowing out together with your blood. So you "feel" less burden. But at the same time, I realize that this is not the option. I didn't manage to do it, cos I keep thinking of HuiYi's worried look when I told her before that I used to cut myself, and the promise that I told her that I won't do it. Anyway, I also thought of how would BaoBei reacted if he were to see cuts on my hand?

My SL-God-Mother plan a surprise for me! She bought me a wedding gown at L$2500?!(US$9.74). But she was very unhappy with the fact that BaoBei and me engaged in SL without her permission. Oops! I didn't formally introduce BaoBei to her, so I understand how she feels. More and more new faces began to join the club. I realize that I am uncomfortable with new people in both SL and RL case. Still, chatting to people in SL is a lot more easier than chatting with people in RL.

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Nail art + Letter + JaZkY's korkor's ex-gf blog = Is LOVE really mean TORLERENCE?

I find it difficult to type with my long "finger nails". The nails are fake though. Bought it at a flee market for $1.80!!!(Most shops sells 24 nails for $3++) But I don't know how to trim the fake nails. Cos the design is really nice, so if I were to trim it, part of the designs will be trim off. Maybe it's because I am not used to having long nails, I find a lot of difficulty doing most things, like wearing Jeans, cos the nails will somehow be chip off or broken off. Press numbers or type sms on my handphone, cos the nails are too long that I find it difficult to press the mini keypad. Went for fellowship yesterday and Eric keep commenting on my nails! He said at first on the way to Changi,"Leave so long for what? It'll still be broken!" I was not angry at his words THEN. After that when we manage to find a place to sit down and eat, he comment again,"See lah, the nails still have to get dirty in the end, why decorate the nails until so pretty for what?" I feel very angry that I feel like throwing my food at his face! Stephanie then comment about the way she look at my BaoBei cos before that, she keep giving BaoBei the "flirty" looks. I then replied,"ONE MORE WORD AND VOLCANO WILL ERUPT!!!" I then heard Stephanie says,"Help!!!" and run to HuiYi. I think I heard HuiYi mumbered,"Uh-oh" Accidentally smash the potato mash onto the floor and I felt very pai seh and at the same time, angry! Stupid Eric! I saw Lorraine and she gave me the -_-"' look. Later Lorraine came to talk to me about my reaction. Spend the remaining of my money to buy another mash potato to eat.

Went to the cosmetic and perfume shop to try the perfumes while waiting for HuiYi. The perfumes that I like, BaoBei doesn't seems to like it. There's a perfume that BaoBei took a sample from, smells heavenly! He says it's from CK. The sample he took, the perfume cost $106+++!!! Nowadays BaoBei has been using my perfume!!! Argh!!! I was unhappy that he uses half of my HUGO BOSS PERFUME(Men's edition)!!! But luckily that bottle, I bought it while it was on sale. So it's not expensive. When I accidently left my Morgan perfume(white hour glass version) in his bag, he took it to camp to use and he says he like the smell very much. That perfume I bought it two or three years ago with HuiYi at Takashimaya S.C. I think at $70+++ if I am not wrong. I have no money to buy perfumes anymore. The Gucci perfume that I set my eyes on, BaoBei says the smell is too strong and he doesn't like it. That perfume is $96+++.

In church, HuiYi pass me a letter. After reading it, I went over to hug her to say I am sorry. Somehow, I cried. But I don't know why. Jing xian was shock! HuiYi was speechless. But she says that she'll talk to me after service later.

Went to view my God-brother's ex-gf's blog. She has finally updated. She feels hurt ending the relationship too but she says she had no choice. She also states that there's no denial that there's a third party in the midst of their relationship. She says she has tolerated enough! I was thinking,"Tolerated? Enough?" I know that partners have to tolerate each other differences. But at times I do wonder,"Is loving someone really mean tolerating that person? Or is it learning to accept your partner's habits and differences?" I admit that I do feel guilty too on this part, like expecting BaoBei to change something that he can't. Like his forgetfulness. One thing that we are alike, is that at home, we tend to take something on one place and put it in the other. Then when we want to search for it, we don't remember where we had put it. I pray that I won't come to a stage where loving BaoBei becomes tolerating him for whatever he does. It would be painful for both parties. Loving, does not mean tolerating! It means acceptance, loving him/her unconditionally, be by your partner's side through good and bad times. Of course I understand love doesn't last longer than friendships. But the reason for breaking up shouldn't be that "I have tolerated enough". If she says that,"we have grown apart, our expectations aren't the same anymore or that we don't walk together with the same "goals" as before etc" I can accept. But I guess different people see this differently.

I think I''ll end here for now. Will blog again some other time

Break up season??? + Prayer List = Irritated! Watch your WORDS!

The day didn't went smoothly today. Well, I guess everyone has bad hair days someday or once in a while. Stress at work cos my Boss wants me to do the stock count for July. Time sure flies fast this month. Actually, time flies faster when you are in the working world than when you are in school. At least, that is what I feel.

Went to view my God-Brother's blog. I was surprise that...He and his girlfriend had broken up?! They had been very loving and had been together for 5 years plus!!! No wonder his recent entry sounds so down! But he doesn't have any tagboard so it's hard to leave message. I should have known the warning signs! I went to see his ex-girlfriend's blog and her latest entry only wrote one sentence,"8th July 2007 - Marks the end of our relationship" Immediately I mumbered,"Oh no!" But in his blog, he also shares that the friends around him console him through SMS, phone calls etc. after reading his blog or knowing his problems through word of mouth. Some times, it's only when you are down, you will see who are your true friends and who would really stand beside you or available for you 24/7. I pray for my God-brother and hope that someday he'll be healed emotionally.

Sometimes, I am very tired of doing prayer list. People don't reply my SMS lah, Being Criticise of my own prayer request lah etc. But then I remembered Bro used to say to Lorraine before she rise up to be a CGL,"I pray that your journey will not be smooth sailing!"(or something like that?) I understand what Bro means. In order to be STRONG, one will have to go through "hardships". It's through hardships that we learnt lessons and grow.

Words does kill sometimes, Friendship especially. No Lorraine, I am not saying that I give up doing prayer list(even though part of me wanted to). I will still try my best to do it for you. This time, it is not I HAVE TO or I MUST DO. It's I WANTED to do. You get what I am trying to say? Now I know the feeling of,"The flesh is tired but the spirit is willing" feeling. But let me tell you this, I don't get this feeling always. Even though the prayer list cause me to lose a friendship, I will still do. The only time I stop doing, is when I have been criticize often enough, and agitated that I don't wish to do anymore.

Yes, I do feel hurt that the friendship is broken somehow because of my words(and SOME PEOPLE'S KNS OVER-SENSITIVELY!) But I no longer feel pity. I had lost a friendship of 16 years(to be exact, is 15 plus lah)! To some idiotic 3rd party! That is what I called pity. Anyway, it's long story. Imagine losing your childhood friend because of some stupid people! And the friendship is not a year, is not 5 years, but more than 10 years! Try losing that kinda friendship and maybe you will know how I felt and why I have become this way. Anyway, I was the one who left my childhood friend. I really had no choice but to "abandon" the long-time friendship. Maybe someday, things will be back like it used to. Or it may not and we became Hi-bye friends instead.

Now you know why I need emotional healing? I don't hide most things from people. I am okay, means I am okay. I am not okay, means I am not! Simple! I don't pretend! Even if I do, people who really knows me inside out, will tell the difference. Even people who don't know me well in person, knows I'm NOT okay(in SL!) so why should I pretend in RL that I am okay?! I can, if I wanted to. But I will be back to the cold-hearted Juliet that I used to be.

I will end here for now. Will blog again some other time