Happy Dayz

Yesterday night, I sms HuiYi to ask how is she and is everything okay with her? She called me and chat with me saying that she is okay and everything is fine. After that while we were chatting, she told me a bad news that made me feel very sad for that person. I couldn't help but asked why is W117 become such a state? She then tell me everything what has happen even before I had join the cell group. She said it's not my fault. Cos I keep blaming myself for what has happened. I used to join my schoolmate's cell group before(W99)and after I backslided, a few months later, the cell group is no longer there. Now I joined W117 and this kinda thing happens. Some times I couldn't help but wondering am I a jinx to the church? It's too coincidence for me!

After that I then went to *Eileen's place and we then proceed to Momo which her friend is waiting for us. We went in too early and there's not much crowd there. Before that, Eileen told me that she's feeling very low and said that she wanted to drink as much as she can. I then told her that I will look after her and I told myself this time, I cannot get drunk. Cos I do not know what I had done but according the Eileen, I was in a very ugly state when I got drunk. Haiz..

We then went to meet up with her friend, *Felicia. Eileen then ordered Volka 7up and I ordered the same drink with her. After the 1st drink, we ordered the 2nd drink and this time she challange me to drink at one go. I lost. Haha! She's quite a fast drinker! After that we then went to watch the "man hunk" competition. The guy I wanted to vote for, lost. Haiz..Eileen then challange me to drink again. But still, I lost. She then took my drink and drink it. She said,"How come your drink have more soft drinks while my drink has more alcohol?!"I shrug my shoulders and said,"Maybe the Bartender don't like me. So he gave me more soft drinks" We saw a few Bartender playing with bottle fire. Wah! If the bottle breaks on the ground and the club is on fire I don't know ah! *Touch wood*

They then said that they want to go to MOS(Ministry Of Sound). I warned them beforehand about the guys inside the club and what they will be expecting if they want to go. On the way there, Eileen was walking unsteadily and held onto me while Felicia was walking very fast. When we reach there, I showed them around the main room and R&B room. I then get to go into the trance room for the very first time! Haha! So happy! Alot of people are drinking in that room instead of dancing. Eileen then complain that the room was very boring and wanted to go to the R&B room. On the way there, a caucasian guy then hug Eileen and went off. I was very surprise by that and Eileen blush. Inside the R&B dance floor, it was very squeezy as the whole room was flooded with alot of people. We had difficulty dancing.

After that we then went back to the main room and dance. The music played was oldies and top 10 or 40 English hits songs. Felicia dance a little strangely to me. We then splash water to each other and a bouncer stop us. We then went to explore the whole room before going to Macdonald's. I then went to Eileen's place and sleep until morning before I went home.

I am starting to hate my current job and wish to get another new job fast. I then receive an SMS from HuiYi which make me cry instantly. How I wish I can take more than 10 minutes break so that I can cry my heart out to her SMS. It was like she could tell how I am feeling deep inside my heart even though I seems to be always smiling infront of her. I was quite surprise that she is the only person who knows how I am feeling deep inside my heart. Some times she had a ability to make me cry..something which I had difficulty to do at times when I wanted to and I am quite grateful for that - seriously. Thanks HuiYi..you made me feel better after I could cry out. She ask me about my problems and I only told her a few.

My God-brother(Samuel) then called me after I had knock off and promise to help me out as soon as possible. He just need my resume. He is really the best god-brother I ever had(after another god brother of mine got engage this year). Although he may done things that annoy me at times, but he is also the one who would lead a helping hand for me if things had gone wrong for me and he is there to be my listening ear if I had problems(although I do not share with him much like I shared with HuiYi). He likes to joke with me around and do lots of funny things to either make me annoyed or laugh at him. But overall, he is the best God-brother I had so far. Thanks Kor! You're the best!

I think I will end here for now. Just have to take a step at a time from now on.

Help me..

This morning, I went to meet YueMing for breakfast at Macdonald's. We then chat alot of things and she shared with me about the cell group, the bible verse, the bible stories and alot of things. She even encourage me for my job searching and prayed for me. I was very surprise to receive 2 calls. One was from Brother Tony's friend and tell me about the job scrope. He said he will notify me again when I get short-listed(I wonder what is short-listed by the way?)The other is from a job Agency which I had subcribe to, to help me to look-out for a job. The way she ask me the reason for quitting my current job, she said it quite sacarticly but because I was surprise by the call, I couldn't really answer her questions. But nevermind..I then pass YueMing my resume as she said she will help me to pass it to her friend who also work in a job Agency company. She then went off and I went to work. Really appreciate her for taking her time off to have breakfast with me and shared with me on alot of things. I find that she has wisdom..like..a person whom I can look up to when I had problems or when I needed help or just someone to talk to. She has something which I lack in myself. At least this is how I feel towards her. But she said that I must grow spiritually on my own. Haiz..I'll try. But I don't think I am that strong yet.

Started to be very depress. I am starting to feel regret for something that I have done. After work, Nor talk to me and shot me down with her words. I feel like crying but I couldn't. My heart is weighing very heavily. It's like there's a huge stone sitting ontop of my heart. Very heavy and very painful. I then took something that I think that could made me forget my problems but strangely enough, I couldn't feel the "Heavenly" feeling that I have felt yesterday when I took it. Haiz..

I then went home and one of my god-sister called me and conference with two other guys. One of them was her boyfriend while the other guy is the one she wanted to introduce to me. I wonder what was that for? She told me that the guy could be a very good boyfriend. So what? Haiz..I have something else to worry about now and have no time for BGR. The guy she wanted to introduce to me is only older than me by a year. When I talk about soccer, basketball and bowling, my god sister keep very quiet on the phone. When I talk about make-up, clothes and clubbing, the guy keep quiet. Haiz..very difficult to make the both of them to talk at the same time. I then told the guy that I don't like guys who are quiet. I prefer guys who are more talkative. He said that he don't know me well and so he don't know what to talk. He also afraid that he might said things that offend me since he don't know me. My god-sister then arrange us to meet(meaning she, her boyfriend, the guy and me to meet together one day). The guy is also a Man-Utd supporter! Yeh! Finally got someone who share the same club with me! We then talk about Man-Utd and I gave my own opinion to the soccer team and he slightly agree with me on certain aspects and disagree with me on most parts -_-". My god-sister kept very quiet as she said she don't know anything on soccer. The guy is still serving his NS. Hmm..luckily not in the same unit as Adrian(Thank God!).

She then talk about a misunderstanding between me and her and I had almost forgotten about it if she never mention it. Both of us never apologise then. She also told me a secret that happen around that time and I ask why didn't she told me about it? She said that she don't wanna break my relationship up and she is not that kinda person that I thought. One thing is that I never gave her a chance to do her explanation then. I told her that I don't know who to believe anymore as I lost trust in almost everyone. But anyway, it's past. I am no longer with the guy because of certain reasons. She said she is quite upset and disappointed that I treat her like a normal friend than a god-sister while she take me as if like her own elder sister. Sometimes, I really thank God that he made me in this state after an accident(I mean making me to be blur and forgetful)cos in this way, maybe I could forget some unhappy incidents easily as I am a forgetful person. But sad to say, I cannot recall happy moments too if the incident has pass too long. Maybe having a forgetful memory is a bliss in certain aspects for me. So that I could forget things easily and unknowingly forgives the person(maybe)Haha and hopefully to forget some people that I do not wish to remember.

Why can't I cry when I wanted to? I feel like using something else to relieve my pain in my heart but somebody has taken my penknife from my pencil case when we meet and throw it into a rubbish bin!(You should know who you are)He said that he don't want me to cut myself ever again. I could feel his concern then..but now..I don't think he cares anymore. He even said something that hurt me a few days ago and I will never ever forget what he said to me! I wish that he could just kill me right there and then after what he has said. But..it's only in my imagination. How I wish I could be like LiYi but I need alot of courage to do what she did. Forget it..just be what I used to be. I know I will hurt alot of people this way but I am very sorry. Like I said, I could no longer trust anyone anymore. But..I must state something here first..if you know who you are, I only want to tell you this: You are not the only one who hurt me now. There are others who are hurting me at the same time right now okay? In case you wanted to say something again that made me angry at your words!

I think I shall end here for now. Will blog again some other time.

Happy Birthday Angel

On Wednesday, I walk around alone for most of the time as my friends only meet me around the evening. My mind was thinking alot of things as I walk. Later I reach Jurong Point first and went to rent 4 VCDs to watch. Later I then meet them for movie.

During the movie, I was very annoyed and I ask Esther who chose the movie? She then point to Angel(The day birthday girl). I then glared at Angel. Cos the movie was very obscene to me!!! I feel like getting up and walk out of the cinema!!! I later learnt that the movie was actually rated M18. But too bad..I was sitting in the middle. How I wish I could swop places with my god-brother! So that I can get out easily. Don't feel like watching the movie after the continous flash of an actress doing those seductive actions. I admired her figure though. She had those to-die-for body figure but I don't quite like the way she pose herself. It's very seductive and very..wild. Since I can't move from the place where I seated, I feel like using something to smash the movie screen! Please! Angel! Guys! Don't ever ever bring me to watch these kinda *ahem* movie! I hate it! Maybe because I am not open-minded enough. One more time of this kinda movie and that's it!

We then went for dinner and had a great time. As JiaXing and I had no transport home, my god-brother offer to take us home by his father's van. Really very pai seh..haiz..

Expression

This morning I had told Peter about my resignation and he had agreed to it. I have mix feelings towards it. I felt happy that I am free from that %^&$%! But at the same time, I felt scared and worried that I will have difficulty looking for another job. But one of my god-brother promise me that he will help me in my job-searching. Something happened some time ago that changes my friendship between me and one of my friends. Actually I feel quite upset that trust has been broken between the both of us. I don't expect it to happen. I had forgiven her for what has happened and had forget about the incident. But...trust is something that I take it very seriously. Too seriously. After I saw how my God-brother change, and I reflect on what he used to said to me before, I felt very very disappointed and extremely upset. But at least I had learnt something from this incident: NEVER TO TRUST ANYONE EVER AGAIN. NOT EVEN YOUR CLOSE FRIEND.

I think I will be back to my "original" self. Keep quiet about things from now on. I remembered someone used to ask me why am I so close-up to him and ask me to be open to him. But after I learnt to be open up to people, what do I get? H-U-R-T. That's what I get for being open up. Why do I have the learnt things the hard way? I am deeply sorry guys, don't expect me to trust anyone ever again. Trust is something that is difficult for me to put into the person. Once I trust the person and being open up to him or her, I expect them not to hurt me in any way. But I was wrong..Haha! Totally wrong! In the end, I get hurt more deeply than I had thought. So..guys, if you all see me keeping quiet nowadays or what and don't quite like to share, don't blame me. I am now very scared of all of you...especially since my friend of many years hurt me accidentally. I guess I had no choice but to retreat back into what I used to be - in my darkness world.

My friends and one of my god-brother don't quite like my current behavior. They don't understand the change in me. I am a person who do not know how to express myself in any way. That is why some times, if they are "lucky"(or in other words, unlucky)enough, they will see me keep pulling my hair or other forms of expression in fustruation when I can't get my message across and that they do not know what I am trying to say. Most people who know how to express themselves well or at least know how to express themselves in either words or actions, will never know how I feel when I can't really expess myself. Maybe because I behave the way my father does. I remembered when I was very young, when he can't get his message across to me or when he don't know how to express himself, he express it in a violent way in fustration if I can't get his message. I don't wish to express it this way..but..what to do, when you have difficulty expressing yourself and others can't get you or doesn't seems to understand you or worst, forsaken you? Sometimes, I really hate myself. Cos I feel that I am different from everyone..like..Abnormal..if you know what I mean. Nor also said to me the day before the settlement,"Sometimes ah..I really scared of you, you know?" When I ask why? she said,"Cos..you are weird. I don't know how to say..but..you act in a way, that is very strange and different from normal person". I do not know what she mean by this and since she can't explain, I cannot do anything. I know I am strange. My Mum used to tell me before from young. Nor ask me to act normal. Sorry..but I am lousy at acting. So what if I am abnormal? If you can't accept me, then tell me straight! Then I will get out of your life forever. I don't know in which way I am abnormal? Maybe my friends who are with me for all these years will tell you.

I think I shall end here for now. Sorry for the bo liao blogging again. Take care!

Singing + Church

Yesterday morning, I went to Jurong East to collect the CD that I've pre-ordered. I then went to Seng Kang to see the shops there. On the way there, Jeffrey called me to ask me to meet him for lunch before going to church. He was planning to reach church at 2.00pm?! I then told him that I couldn't meet him for lunch as I was going out.

On the way to Seng Kang, I then SMS HuiYi and she SMS me back a message that made me cry. A few people look at me as I cried while reading the message. After shopping and looking around at Seng Kang, I then took a cab to Tampines Pasa Malam as my handphone casing spoilt after I drop it onto the escalator. I then bought a new casing and ask the person to fix the top part for me. I then went to Expo alone.

When I reach church, the moment I saw HuiYi, I cried and she ask me what happen but I refuse to say. After that we then went to look for seats and HuiYi and the rest was unhappy that YueMing shouted at them and they went to the other side of the hall to sit. I then look at HuiYi quietly. YueMing came and apologies to HuiYi before the service but HuiYi is still a little unhappy.

After service I went to buy food before meeting Brother Tony for Bible study. I almost cried during Bible study with him but I controlled my tears. He was surprise to learnt what kind of person I am and he ask me to be wise in choosing my friends since they will lead me spiritually astray, he ask me to socialize with them less frequently as they will only help me to sin against the Lord. The lesson coincidently collide with what is currently happening with the cell group and he shared his views with me and told me what I had done wrong in my part. After that, he ask me about my vision in church and I told him about my "dreams" in church and he was very happy about it and told me to qualities of what the position I am aiming in church requires me to have. It sounds very simple but I know it's not an easy job. He differenciate to me how a baby Christian and a matured Christian should be and why are they different? An image appeared on my mind when he shared about this and again I tried to control my tears. The hurt inside my heart is just too much but I didn't share with him about this. I just keep quiet.

After the Bible study, he ask me am I crying while he was preaching? I nod and told him that it's also because of other things. He said he saw redness in my eyes and a small amount of tears forming on my eyes as he shared. He wants to know why am I crying but I told him,"Nothing. It's okay Brother Tony". He then ask me to share with him if I feel comfortable sharing. YueMing and HuiJia came and chat with me while Brother Tony giving Bible study to another group of people. If I don't control my tears, I'll cry infront of him and I'm afraid that it'll scare him. So I tried to control if I can. It is also the very first time I cried during Bible study.

After that I sing "The Potter's Hand" to YueMing but she can't recall that song although she find it quite familiar. I told her that it's a very old song(actually I heard it in Evangle's Family Church when I was attending that church 7 years ago). She then comment that I've a nice voice in singing but I don't agree with her as I find that I am quite lousy in my singing especially for high notes. I can't sing high notes and that is my difficulty in singing. I told her that I was aiming for choir but I change to usher instead as I find that my singing is quite lousy. She then sing a small part of a christian song which I have never heard before and I find that she is great in her singing. She can sing almost the same tune as the vocal supervisor in church(as least that's what I feel). She then said that she is no match with the vocal supervisor as the supervisor could sing certain notes beautifully that she can't really sing that kind of tune.

I then took the train with them and listen to YuZhi's mp3's songs. He has alot of J-pop songs on his mp3 and there's a song that I am familiar with. It's "Amazing Kiss" sing by BoA. I like that song alot although I do not know what she is singing about and I don't understand the language. They then got off at City Hall and Yu Zhi took back his mp3 player. I then listen to Jeffery's talking for the rest of the journey as he shared about his work and the photographs he has taken. He tried to take my picture but I keep shooing away from his camera. I don't quite like to take pictures as I look very ugly in it and I am still trying very hard not to fear videocameras as it reminds me of something which I truly wanna forget.

After that I bid some of them goodbye as I get off at my station and walk home.

W117 cell group on 17th March 2006

This morning I was woken by my hp. Haiz...somebody message me early in the morning. But it's okay. Have to wake up an hour later anyway. I then went to get myself ready and went to Jurong East to pre-order Rainie's latest CD. The sales person told me that it was arrive 2 weeks later.

After that went to Raffles Place to try on some "clothings" that Edwin(Adrian's army friend)introduce to me. The effect is very...I don't know how to say. It wowed me! Adrian help me to take the before and after picture of my body shape with the "clothing" and without the "clothing". My body shape is so different on both pictures!!! I prefer the "Me" with the "clothes" on cos I look slimmer. But the price is very expensive for the full set $1600+ but cheaper than the last time I went to. As the other time I went to the other company, they sell me at $2000+ for the same set of "clothes" but by different company(with the same product). I told Adrian I will buy but I need a year's time to save up the money.

I then went to Tampines for a walk and shopping. Bought alot of earrings. I then played ParaPara 2nd mix there and alot of people are watching me. So pai seh..failed the last stage, which is "Ultra High Heels". That song was very difficult to dance and I forgot to use sudden mode. As I can complete the stage if I had use sudden mode. I then went to Century Square to see how is the company I work for look like in other place. Wah! In Century Square, the place I work for is very small!!! And 4 staffs there!!! I then buy a pair of earrings(mix)and walk in to see. Wah! Very squeezy! I then help them to pack counter secretly as all of them are all squeeze in the counter. Why all of them are at the counter and none of them come out to pack? Very messy leh! I then left quickly after buying earrings as the staffs there are quite unfriendly. I then went to Sambawang CD shop and bought Wang Lee Hom's latest album because I like 2 of the songs inside his CD. I also bought 7 Flowers's CD. Spend quite alot of money..haiz..

I then receive a call around 5.30pm from Jurong East that the CD is ready for collection. Huh?! I thought you say 1 week?! Wah! Father! Holy Spirit! Thanks alot! But too bad I could not go down to collect and told them I will collect it tomorrow morning as I have to rush for cell group.

Reach Ang Mo Kio MRT at 6.20pm. Then one by one told me that they will be late -_-" I then step out of the station and a staircase landing attract me. I then went up and it lead me to a park. I walk around before HuiYi message me that they have arrived. As I walk down, memories suddenly rush though my mind like lightning. A few of the memories came back to me! I suddenly remembered this park! I remembered! But...I state before in friendster, memories hurt me alot. That is why I don't like memories. I prefer to forget. It was the park where I and my first love used to date. We will be at this park early in the morning like 6am? Of course we done things like any couple will do at the park(bu yao xiang wai okay?! just normal things). I remembered he engraved my name and his name on a tree in this park but I forgot where is the tree that he has engraved. Haiz..I remembered how happy I was then..after he left, I immediately sink into major depression(at least that's what my Mum told me). She was very heartache that I've become almost insane after he left. But now, some told me that he has immigrate to Australia while some told me that he is sentence to Jail for 7 years. A few months before the break-up, I was very surprise to learnt that he was actually in gangs. Father..I really do not wish to remember. Just let me forget...

I then met the rest of the group and went to Dilion's place and Brother Tony and the rest clap for me as it was my first time joining W117 for cell group meeting. So pai seh! We then played Mathematics games and I was very lousy at Maths! It has been a long time since I remembered my time tables. Anyway I only study until 10 time tables and stop there. I never study until 11 and 12 time tables. After that Brother Tony shared the gospel with us.

After fellowship, Brother Tony talk to some of us for awhile and I stayed for dinner made by Dilion's Mum. The food was delicious but very spicy! Jeffery then give me the chilli(s) as I told him that if he cannot eat spicy food then pass the chilli to me. In the end I cried cos...it was too spicy! bleh! Jeffery then laugh at me and I keep drinking soft drinks to ease the heatness. We then bid the family goodbye and thank them for the meal before heading to the bus stop. After that we board the train home. Haha! So happy today!

fainting spells

Nothing much has been going on these days. While my Mum is away on holiday. My family learnt to be independent. Cos we are so used to depend on her on everything. Especially cooking. But luckily my father knows how to cook a little.

Esther comment some time ago that I seems to be getting fatter. Ahhh! What the...?! Maybe because I have stop taking my fomulas. I am still taking the pills though. I don't know since when I have stop. Recently, I started to feel slightly giddy at work. I do not know why. I have taken breakfast(cos we are force to..my father doesn't want me and my brother to go hungry). But at work, some times I feel like fainting. But..I am not that weak okay!?

One of my cousin then brought her daughter to visit my workplace. My niece was wailing. My cousin then came to chat with me for awhile before she left. Asking how is my family coping and did my Mum called home? I have seen my Mum sending mushy smses with my Father. My Dad showed me and my brother the messages. Very mushy! But I felt that it's very sweet of them to do that since they seldom talk at home. My father is more reserve type of guy while my Mum is more talkative type. My relatives say that I look more like my father(in terms of actions) while my Brother look more like my Mum. Erm..I have to agree with them. Cos when my father was in his younger daze(when my brother and I are still very young), he used to be a very violent person. I think I inherited my father's genes while my brother inherited my Mum's genes. As my Mum is a very nice person. My father and I have two things in common. We don't know how to express well and we are anti-social. But my father is slowly learning to open up to people. He has joined "Tai ji"and made friends there. But still, he is a person who don't know how to express himself(same with me..haha). My brother is more like my Mum. Sociable, friendly, out-going etc. Maybe only my close friends can see this other than my relatives.

I am very excited as Friday is approaching soon! Yeh! Can get to attend W117 cell group meeting for the first time! But I felt sad as I had join in too late and most of them have left. Those people whom I felt close to, like HuiYi and LiYi also left. Haiz..but what to do? The only thing I could do now is to pray. Left with no one in the cell group. Haiz..must grow on my own. But I am very scared that I could not make it and will backslide one day. But until that day comes, I will try on my own and see how things goes. If I feel really very tough, then I can only blame myself for not being spiritually strong.

Today Nor actually want me to go clubbing with her. I was waiting for her call but in the end she did not call me. Haiz..hate people like that! My brother is going away on chalet and don't know when he will be back. So left my Father alone at home. I don't know if he feels lonely? Cos we seldom talk so I do not know what he is thinking? Brother Tony encourage me to try to strike a conversation with my Father. Huh? You want me to talk to my Dad after we had not talk for 10 years?! Very tough lor! What do you want me to talk to him about? Our interest are very different lor! Seriously speaking, if looking at the bright side, my mother's absent is the best time for me to get to talk to my Dad. But I am always so busy with work. I was planning to take him out for lunch this coming Friday before I go somewhere else. But I do not know whether he has any programs on this Friday? I dare not ask him. It's just a simple lunch between me and him but I do not know whether he will appreciate it? Since he is a person who don't know how to express, I do not know whether he will take it normally or appreciate that I had at least spend half-a-day of my time with him? Haiz..duno lah..I better don't think too much on this.

I think I will end here for now. Sorry if my blog is very bo liao(as always). Take good care!

Having fun?

Yesterday morning I woke up at 9am..haiz..couldn't get back to sleep. I actually set my alarm clock at 9.30am. I then got up to get myself ready. My father then ask me to cut the vegetables. O.o?! Me?! You want me to cut?! I then reluctantly cut the vegetables. As I do not know how he wanted it to be, I cut it in big pieces. After he show me how he wanted it to be, I then cut it to the way he wants it. Haiz..spend 30 minutes cutting the vegetables. My brother then stood there and watch me cutting. -_-" Liew..I don't really know how to cut and still wanna put pressure on me by watching me?

After that my father grill chicken wings(yum yum!)and he cook the vegetables I handed it to him after I have finish cutting. My brother keep walking in and out of the kitchen and asked,"Is the food ready yet?"I have to rush to work as I work 12pm yesterday and this cause my Dad to cook it in a hurry. But overall it still taste nice. Actually I don't mind that I went late for work cos it has been quite a long time since I had taste my Dad's cooking. Although he is not a good cook compared to my Mum but as I grow, I slowly learnt to appreciate his cooking even though it doesn't taste nice on certain dishes that he made. But..still..I do not know how to express to him my thankfulness for the food that he has made. Like I said, I am a person who don't know how to express myself well and at times, it fustruates me.

I then went to work on time. Around evening, Yue Ming came and pass me the paper that I accidently swop with her during fellowship last week. When I saw how she dress for office work, I then thought to myself that I may need money for new clothes and shoes.

She then shop around and chat with me on alot of things. After chatting, I find that she is not as bad as I had imagine after all. She told me alot of things that surprise me. Haiz..now then I realize I am still a baby Christian -_-". I then told her about my struggles and she ask me to stay in W117 and see how things goes. Almost everyone keep saying that Brother Tony is a good Leader. She even told me some incidents of how Brother Tony handle things with his patience. Those who are with Brother Tony for quite a long time, may I ask you has he ever lecture you infront of make-up cell group members or new comers? This question I do not know. Only you can answer it for me. But I have been to make up cell groups and I met incidents where the cell group leader lecture their cell group members infront of us(or me for that matter). I do not know how the cell group members felt but as for me, I was thinking in my mind,"If you wanna raise your unhappiness on certain incidents, please wait for the make-up cell group members to leave before you lecture them. As to save their "face". Or even better, speak to them before even the make-up cell group members arrive."

YueMing then left after purchasing a bag. After she left, I keep thinking alot of things in my mind of what she had told me. I am struggling with my decision. Cos if I were to remain in W117, I will feel very lost as my close Sisters-in-Christ are not in W117 and I am left alone to grow. If I chose to leave, I will have to adapt to a new cell group and this makes me uncomfortable. I am an anti-social person remember? But Brother Tony said to me on Saturday,"If you are still with us, I promise you that I will help you to grow". His words are still echoing in my mind until now. When I pour out this problem to my god-brother, he told me to make the decision on my own. He ask me not to follow others just because majority of them are like that. I must make the decision on my own with my own feelings to what I feel that it is "right". Haiz..so confusing.

After work, I then message Nor that I won't be helping her in her shop for a week as I have to go home early to take care of my family, especially my Brother..although he is big enough to take care of himself, but still I am worried. But I do not know what. I dare not leave him in the house alone since young. It's not that I do not trust him but..I don't know how to explain the feeling that I felt. I am just not at ease leaving him alone at home. She then message me back saying,"Don't tell me!"Haiz..when I tried to explain to her in SMS since she don't want to hear me face-to-face,she message back,"I never say. Whatever!"Haiz..Nor, I am really very tired. You told me that you are a person who think logically. Now I tell you something logically you don't want to hear and you don't understand my situation! What is this man?! Don't force me to choose! You should know my decision and choice! Don't make me say Goodbye to you one day! I really don't wish to do that! I can give you up easily if I want to ever since Ryan's incident! You want me to refresh to you what happened?! I only can tell you, ELZY LIED! But if you still choose to believe her than me, I have nothing to say since I earse the edvidence! I am speaking the truth and my concious is clear! I have nothing to hide! If you dare, ask her out one day and we sit down and talk! This time, I wanna hear what she says! But still, I insist that she has lied! The story she told you and me are different! Some "friend" you have!

I think I shall end here for now. Will blog again soon.

Sunday blue

Work was very bored today as there are not much customers. I don't know how to tell Peter that I wanted to quit to look for a better job. Anyway, I have not started searching for a new job yet so I think I just keep it quiet.

Around the evening, a male customer came in and when I saw what he was wearing around his neck, deep down inside my heart, I felt very heart-broken and sad. Cos he was wearing the EXACT SAME CROSS that I had given to someone on his birthday. I still remembered the promises that the person made to me when he receives the cross. I do not know whether did he say it from the bottom of his heart or he is just saying for fun? But anyway, I guess it doesn't really matter now. He doesn't know the significant of the cross that I have bought for him anyway. Only I know...

I keep on staring at the cross until the customer went off. Ya Cin then ask,"Why are you standing there?"I said,"Nothing"and continue doing my own work. I then think alot of things in my mind of what I am going to do on Friday. Finally get an off day where I could "breathe". But I will be going out alone like I said in my previous blog. Maybe to do a little shopping and then walk around the places where I had not been before. Funny right? Singapore is so small, but if I were to tell you that I have not been to most of the places in Singapore, would you believe me? It's true. When I was schooling, it was always home -> school -> home. Or on Saturdays home -> CCA -> hang out with friends at the same huant every saturday(cos i mix with friends who are in gangs that time) -> home. And on sundays, I get locked at home cos my Mum refuse to let me attend church. She only let me attend after my aunti made me promise that I won't get baptise and only to go for services. That was when I was in Sec.2? She did let me attend church when I was younger, around Primary 5. But after that she stop me from going.

After work, I saw 5 messages unread display on my hp screen. Wah! Most of it was sent by Nor and only 2 was sent by my Father and Brother. Nor wants me to have a drink with her as she was feeling unhappy. But I told her I have to go home early as my brother is hungry for food. She was very unhappy when she heard that. When I tried to explain to her, she "chase" me away fiercely. Haiz..Nor, it's not that I don't want to drink with you. But my Mum is on holiday overseas and now the responsiblity of taking care of my Father and Brother lies on me. How come you cannot understand this? Haiz..so disappointed.

I then went to buy food but it turned almost cold by the time I reach home. My brother then eat the food without complaining. Wah! Never leave a bite for me! Haiz..nevermind. I guess he is too hungry while waiting for his food. Poor him.

I think I will end here for now. Those who are really bored on Friday 17th March, if you want you can follow me around Singapore and shopping okay? :P

Sad sad day

On Saturday, it is the day I dread the most. My worst fear had came true. Yue Ming had ask me to go for Cell Group meeting but I request her to let me go for another cell group as the previous one bore me. The Leader is okay but her cell group members are strange. I don't know. The way the behave is quite..unnatural. I then went for another cell group and it was okay. We played games that requires memory but it was fun than the last cell group and I find that it is easier for me to remember as we only need to remember the actions of the other party. Hahaha! My action was the simplest but yet no one sabo me and only a guy out of the rest do my action for once. So basically, I was just sitting there and watching them sabo each other except me. When they heard which cell group I am from and especially when they heard Brother Tony, one of them said,"Oh! He's a great Leader!"

I then told HuiYi I couldn't go for my Bible study as it end around 3.30pm. So sad that I can't even go for my last Bible study with her. We then went back to church in a Brother's car. It was very crump but luckily we were manage to squeeze in. When we reach Expo, we part ways and I went to meet HuiYi in church. At church, fear came over me and I told Li Yi about it but she ask me to relax. It is also the last time I get to sit with her. During the service, I cried alot as I am very hurt in my heart and to what Pastor Kong has preached. After the service, we "celebrate" Li Yi's birthday and Yue Ming gave her a Bible as her present as she lost hers some time back.

I then hang around for awhile until HuiYi and the group disappears and I went to look for them at the last minute. After I heard what they were praying, my heart sank and I wanted to break down but I control myself. Cos again my prayers are not answered. YueMing then called me to say she is on the way to meet us. I had this very strange feeling when I saw Brother Tony, Yue Ming and the rest of the group walking toward us. We then went to buy our food.

After that, HuiYi ask me to join them for the talk to Brother Tony. After hearing what each of them said, Brother Tony shared about his views and ask us alot of questions which I couldn't answer a single of them! Somehow I can feel the pain Brother Tony is feeling but I do not know how to console him. He even said things that made me think back of what he has done for me. I remembered when I first join W117, I was very fustruated as I felt that my presence was not anknowledge by him and I don't feel as part of the cell group! I had curve for his attention with no luck. But after what happened to my God-brother, he started to take notice of me bit by bit and slowly trying to get to know me better. He even had a small talk with me yesterday before the service starts and somehow I could feel the hurt within his words. It's just normal conversation but I do not know why, I somehow could sense that he was hurting.

They then sit together and I overheard WeiJing said,"Juliet hesisted!"Sorry guys, but after what I heard Brother Tony had said, I decided to give him one more chance and I will try to get to know him better too. Brother Tony then help me with my resume as I had my eyes for a job position. But I need a month advance to give notice to my current company. He said that I could not work for long in my current job. He was right. Cos I was planning to quit after next year when I get my bonus but now I don't think I could hold on that long. He then tick for me a few list of jobs that I could try to apply and this time I had my eyes on two jobs instead of one. Yue Ming then gave me encouragment and ask me to go for it. I told them my fears if I quit my job and they understands but ask me to keep on trying.

After that I went to meet JiaXing at the usual huant and she gave me some in-depth question that some employers will ask and teach me on how to respond to each of the "nonsense" questions if the employer were to suddenly ask me. After that I talk to my God-brother about what happen in the cell group while Esther and Jia Xing went to talk at the other side. After I heard what my God-brother had told me, I feel heartbroken. But I told him that if he were to come back to church one day, I will be the first one to wait for him at the door(other than the urshers)to welcome him back. He said he will see about it.

We then went to have supper and my friends complain that I finish the Banana-cum-Mango milk very slow. After that, we send Esther to take a cab while we send Jia Xing home. I then share with my god-brother half of the story to what happened while I was in club Momo. The rest, I apologise to him that I really could not share. This is only between me and *Eileen and only Eileen knows the whole story. I then told him what Eileen had told me when she called my god-brother using my handphone. He explain to me that I had disturb his piano practice. Okay lor, but next time I won't call and I will ask my friends not to call him anymore as I do not want to disturb him. Even if something happened to me *touch wood*

I was very surprise to learnt that Kenneth goes to the Sunday service and he has sign up to be an usher! He wants me to join his cell group but I decline. I pray to God and said,"If I and Kenneth are really meant to be together, let us meet this coming saturday". But I know very well in my heart that we could no longer be together and I don't wish to be with him due to certain reasons. KNS! Aim the ministry I wanted to do! Ok lor! Since you do urshering, I will do something else! I don't want to do the duty together with you!

I think I should stop here. Will blog again soon.

Tahan

Nowadays, I find it difficult to work with Wendy. She seems to be very angry with me but refuse to tell me the reason. KNS! I hate it lor! I hate it when people are upset with me and yet they refuse to tell me the reason! If you are unhappy about anything about me, please tell me! I am not God okay?! So I don't know what are you unhappy about.

To all my friends, sorry that I have upset you guys. I know that you do care about me but there are certain things I do not know how to say. So that is why I always seems to go to those places. Part of it is actually to see how the place look like. But that is also the only place where I could feel happy tempoary. My god-brother seems to be irritate with me nowadays and I do not know why. I do not dare to ask him. I only know that he is worried that I have been to those kind of place often. When my friend told me something about my god-brother that day, I was very upset. As I am a person who do not know how to express myself well, this makes me very fustrated with myself.

Quite alot of things has been happening around me recently and some of these things I cannot accept it as it happened too fast! But again, I have no one to turn to. Feeling very confuse and upset. Things seems to start falling apart. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I could only endure the pain in my heart. When I saw a empty beer bottle lying around on the streets, I had this urge to use it to...do things in a crazy manner that no one could imagine. But something stop me. In the end I just walk away without taking the bottle. The hurt and disappointment is just too much! Things change too suddenly. People change suddenly(including me). I feel very lost with no one to guide me anymore. Again, I did not pray. Cos I know that it won't help. Things happened way too fast and there's no turning back. I told some of my friends before,"Don't be surprise if one day you see me break down infront of you suddenly".

I do not really know how long can I really endure all these. My heart is in pain and I am really bothered about the whole thing. Feeling that my life is in a mess. Haiz..back to the old days..where everything seems to be in a mess and that I've ruin my own life after certain incidents which again I could not state here. I'm starting to lose my grip onto "Him". I could not really feel His presence but somehow I have a feeling that He is weeping. Been losing appetite these two days. Didn't really eat much. Problems after problems came onto me. Father! Why is all these happening?!

I have applied for leave for a day on next week. I was thinking of going out and walk around myself the whole day. I have planned what I am going to do on the day that I applied for leave. Although it's a meanlingless day. But I will go out and maybe walk around certain places which I have not get a chance to walk by - Alone. Wendy complain to me some days ago,"Oei! How come you have so many leaves unclaimed?! Better clear all your leaves leh! Stack up till so much!"In my mind, I was shouting at her,"Ai le huan lo?!(Need you to care?! in hokkien)I don't have a chance to clear my leaves cannot ah!? Then now I take leave so what's your problem that you are not happy about?!"KNS! See me also angry now I applied for leave also angry! What exactly do you want?!"Feel like throwing a chair at her face! But I know it will definitely break the showcase display behind her if my aiming is poor. I just crunch my fist and stare at her for awhile before I continue with my work.

When Peter came to shop during the evening, his mood was not good. First time see him so angry. But still I told him about my leave that I have claimed. I had claimed another day after the next week for Angel's Birthday. He then said,"Ai ya! Don't know lah! You all go and settle yourselves!"Good mah! Don't need to see me for 2 days not good meh? If one day I stack my leaves till 2 weeks and claim one week off to go holiday with Nor then I see whether you'll cry or not! Nor told me some weeks before that she want me to accompany her to go Melbourne or England. She ask me to save money to go holiday for a week with her. I told her that I'll consider but I know most likely I will not go. I had never travel overseas without my parents before so I feel quite whierd travelling with a friend overseas. She said,"Eh! Don't like that leh! Company me to go lah. We save money together then we go okay?"I still feel quite uneasy going overseas with a friend.

I think I'll end here for now. Will blog again soon I guess?

Haiz..

Yesterday night after work, I then went to meet *Eileen. Before that, when Ya Cin saw what I wear underneath my jacket, she said,"Wah! Go chiong?"I replied,"Ya..wanna join me"? She said she only go pubbing and not clubbing as she feels that clubbing is too noisy for her. We then bid goodbye and Nor ask me to go to her shop where she help me to make up and adjust my top. I then told her,"Wah! So low-cut?! Don't want lah!"She said,"Eh..where got people go clubbing wear till so high..you ah..come!"and she help me to adjust very low..until..it shows half of my chest. Liew! Not comfortable wearing like that lor! When I was on the way to meet Eileen, people keep staring at me especially the guys. Piangz! Nor! You very good sial! Adjust my top till like that!

After that, we then went to bus-stop and met her friend, Li Lian on the bus. Her friend is quite pretty and initially I couldn't guess her age and was surprise when Li Lian reveal that she is the same age as us! When in the club, meet her ex-boyfriend, John I think? and Paul? They opened a bottle of pure volka. The word "Devilish"is what I could use to describe club Momo. More Devilish than Devil's Bar. I then pour 1 full glass of absolute Volka and drink it and soon after that, I don't feel okay. A guy then caught my attention with his singing. When I look at him, I shout,"Ahh! So handsome!" LiLian and Eileen look at each other and laugh and comment that I have a very bad taste in guys. They said,"Liew! You call that handsome?! He's not even a Chinese I bet!" I really couldn't tell. But I told them I like this type of guy(I meant his dressing and his hairstyle). Li Lian then mistakenly took my glass and said,"Eh! You pour pure Volka huh? Did you mix anything?"I shake my head. She was shock and comment,"Wah! You want to die huh?! Where got people pour pure Volka till so full?!" She then help me to mix with coke but in the end it didn't help.

They then went to the dance floor to dance and I just stood there like statue. My head keep on spinning. They then led me out and on the way, and use my handphone to call my god-brother! Ahhh! Don't call him! Mati le..My god-brother then shout for me to wake up. I told him I am okay but he don't believe me. Haiz..I then pass the phone to Eileen and she talk to him on the phone. After what it seems like eternity, I was okay slightly and Eileen ask,"Do you know just now what you've said while you are drunk?"I said I don't know. She said something that makes my heart skip a beat,"You keep on repeating your god-brother's name and say alot of things"(which I cannot state here of what she told me what I've said). I then said,"Got meh? I don't remember". Li Lian then shake her head and Eileen said,"Got!" Wah! Mati! I really got say all those things meh? Haiz..mati...Lucky he is not there to hear it :P Don't ask me what I have said. But it is what she claims that I said those things. Really very malu!

I only remember when I am drunk an image keep on appearing on my mind. I never had that problem before. Or maybe I pour the wrong drink that it cause the problem? Now I finally know how a real drunked feels like. The feeling was terrible! Eileen then send me to her place to rest and when I woke up, it's already dawn. My head was very painful. I never had this feeling before. I then took a cab home to rest.

Kanasai lah!

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 9am to get myself ready to go to Raffles Place MRT station to meet Adrian and to give him back all his things to ask him not to call me again. It took me quite a long time to master enough courage to do this cos I am still terrified of him because of something. It still haunts me. When I reach there at 11am, I told him I have reach and he said,''Huh?! So fast?! I thought I told you 11.30am right?!''I felt very stupid to arrive too early to meet him. I told him that I will go shopping around and ask him to call me when he reach.

After that I went to Burger King to have breakfast as I never ate anything. The counter crew who served me said I was very lucky that I am her last customer for breakfast. The breakfast end only at 11.10am! Thank God! I get to eat the breakfast that I want(Give ''someone'' a kiss *muackz*Thank you HS! Thank you Father! Hee..)Haiz..think I am getting crazy le..but I treat ''Him'' as my bf, my close friend, my best friend, my counselor etc etc all in one. I know..I am siao. But I couldn't help it. Especially now that I felt He's back in my life again..I WILL NEVER LET HIM GO THIS TIME NO MATTER WHAT. I then went shopping and bought a new black spaghetti strap top for tonight's outing.

After meeting Adrian and pass him his things, he then sat down to talk to me. He said,''Hmm..it has been a long time since I last saw you. You have become more chio le.''I then frowned and said,''where got? I am still the same old-fashioned me''. He then said that I did not dress this way before and now I have become more prettier with this type of dressing. -_-'' I was wearing a light pink polo T-shirt and Dark Blue Denim Jeans with brown heeled slippers.(Try imagine me wearing it)pretty meh? I don't think so. Just casual wear only lor please! He then said that it's smart casual. *faints*After that he then force me to eat before I went for work but I refuse. He then complain that I am getting thinner and weaker and still refuse to eat? I said,''I am not thin! I am fat! I wanna lose weight cannot ah?''He then ask me how long have I taken the supplements and whether there are any side-effects on me? After I had told him the answer,which is ''Yes''and told him the kind of side-effects that I got while taking the supplements, he got very worried and said,''You see! You see! So serious the effect!? You better stop taking NOW!''I then said,''But at least can help me lose weight mah''He got very anxious and said,''Lose weight?! Until you become like that?! Sorry lor! Your health and life is much more important than slimming lor! Do you know how worried I am now that you are telling me this?!''I then told him that I am no longer his girlfriend and he can stop caring for me. He said I may no longer love him anymore but his love for me still remains and he does not want to see me losing my life just because of slimming. Liew! Say till so serious! But he knows how stubbon I am about this. But I have never thought that I could lose my life just to slim down. I never notice that my health has dithered until Ya Cin told me before that she is very scared to see me like that. I forgot whom I have told before that I will do anything to slim down to 30kg(initially)even if it cost me my life. Cos the reality is this - Guys only go after slim girls. This is what I have notice for quite a long time. But after my god-brother heard about my initial plan a long time ago, he said that I am crazy and knock some sense into me. After his words, I then decide to slim down to 40kg(which I think it will be more realistic). Adrian then send me to work and before I went in, he told me,''Don't let me know that you faint at work! Or else I will be very heartache''. I had almost faint before during work but so far I did not really faint. Haha! I am still strong okay! Kua sway me!

After work, I called *Eileen to confirm about the clubbing for Wednesday night. She ask who I will go with if she never go with me? I then told her that I will go with Nor to Tunnel if she never invite me. She then said,''Okay,okay,okay! Go with me!''I almost laugh. We then chat for awhile and hang up. Nor said,''So how? Going to Tunnel or Momo?''I then told her I will go Club Momo with Nancy. She said,''Haiz..go lah go lah..spoilt sport!''Cos she wanted me to go Tunnel with her but I told her,''Next time babe!''

I think I will end here for now. Will blog again next time. Woohoo! New club!

* = Names have been change to protect the person(s) identity

I think so

Nothing much happen at work today. After work, I saw Yvonne at Lobby A and she told me she is following Joanna. But half-way through when she was following Joanna, she lost her. She knows who Joanna is meeting with - her boyfriend. I was very curious and after she left, I ask Nor how come she continues to follow Joanna instead of breaking up with her boyfriend straight? She told me Ryan still owe Yvonne money and she wants to get the money back..plus some other reasons which I could not state here. I was very shock when I heard that. But..it's none of my business anyway. As Nor knows I used to like Ryan before, she said,"Heng ah! You never go stead with him! Or else the girl who kena all these will be you and not Yvonne!"I then stared at her and in my heart, I thank God that I am not so bold enough to ask him to be my friend. I do not know why, I dare to ask Guy's number on behalf of my friends but when I saw a guy that I like, I dare not approach him to ask for his number or to be my friend.

By the way, he is not a christian. But at that time, I was not attending a church cos I backslide from it. I only went to church after my god-brother invited me back last year..but now..haiz. I somehow regretted going back(HuiYi should know why). I told her I felt that it was my fault but she assure me that even before I had join the cell group, it is already that way. So it is not my fault. After that I then went home and receive an email from a christian guy from the United States. I do not remember that I had sign up for his email to be mailed to me. But I read it anyway and after I had read it, it solves half of my problems and I know what I should do next time - Play Pretendence like someone. I think I have no choice but to do that. After reading that email, I told myself something,"Since guys are so complicated and so troublesome, I give up. Thank you Lord but I won't want a boyfriend now or in future anymore after reading that email. I think I prefer to be with myself Hahaha!"

I think I shall end here. Will blog again some time

Kanasai!

I had not been sleeping enough these days and as a result I am tired easily at work today. Almost sleep at work cos my eyes are half-shut.

After work, I then went to look for Nor. She was then very unhappy and said,"Eh! Why you show me black face"? I was thinking in my mind,"Wah! Wanna quarrel with me?!"I then stare at her and said I never and we started arguing. After that we went to Lobby A and I saw Yvonne there. She then said she have comforted her boyfriend and he admitted that he was with Joanna(The Red2 girl). But said that it is not what I was thinking. Okay fine! Whatever! I heck care le! She then said Ryan warn me that if I spout nonsense again he will ask people to beat me up. I then said to her,"Tell him, I am not scared! Come lah! Want to ask people to beat me up? Beat lah! Do I look like I care?!"She was surprise by my reaction. She then followed that Red2 girl to see if she was with her boyfriend. She said she wanted to catch them red-handed this time.

Nor and I then never talk for the rest of the night and I never help her to do closing. Since she don't understand me and I don't understand her, then forget it lah! Quarrel with me because of that $%*^ Ryan?! When I reach home, she keep on calling me and sms me to ask me why I never answer her call? Wah! You think I still want to talk to you after what had happened?! Since we don't understand each other, what's the use of talking?! You can't see my point of view and I can't see yours, then what for?! After today, I just learnt that Nor is very similar with me in alot of ways. She is like a twin version of me. Except one thing difference is that she don't believe in using violence to solve problems while I am more to the violence side. So far only my close friends including my god-brother, saw this side of me before. If you want me to solve things in a peaceful manner, I can tell you it is extremely difficult. This is a strange personality or character or me that is difficult to change. Seriously if anyone could change me to be peace-loving person, I can really salute to that person. Cos so far, I have been like this since childhood and nothing could change that part. Maybe I do not know how to control my anger well bah..haha.

Sorry that I have to end early for today. Need to get alot of rest to work for tomorrow. Sianz..Good night folks! Take good care!

Misunderstanding cleared!!!

Yesterday afternoon, went for make-up cell group with JiaLi and Suk Wai. Liew! The cell group bored me to death! Although they played games to brighten the spirits of the members but SORRY! Like I said, I am quite ANTI-SOCIAL! So I don't quite like to play games that requires me to use my memory. Like remembering the names or where the members stay! Don't ask me why I am like that. This is how I behave towards new friends. I don't know why but I just don't feel comfortable talking to new friends unless they strike a conversation with me first and that our conversations click. If not, I will just stay away. I have been like that since young.

After that went for service after went to fellowship with the cell group members. HuiYi suddenly tell me there is NO BIBLE STUDY!? Whoa!!! Wanna cry already lah! NO BIBLE STUDY?! I really look forward to her Bible study very much! After that HuiYi and I stood aside to discuss something private. I was very shock by the things she told me. Extremely shock! But I can understand. I then pour out my problems to her about someone. She said that maybe is that I think too much le and ask me to sit down with the person to have a heart-to-heart talk. At that time, I was thinking,"How can we have a heart-to-heart talk when he ignores me?!"She then ask me to try to talk to him and see how he respond. If he still ignores me then he isn't worth my friendship. I then said I will try. But I do not know how to talk to him.

After service, I then left together with HuiYi and the group. We then went to Bugis to initially look for someone but he did not come and the rest of the group, including me, left unhappily. I then went to Clarke Quay to meet up with my friends. When I was on the way, Nor ask me to call her and claim that it was urgent. I then tried to return her calls in vain. I then curse and swear cos I hate this kinda thing happens! Guys, if you all expect me to return you call and especially it is urgent, PLEASE DON'T SWITCH OFF YOUR HANDPHONE OR WORST, DON'T PICK UP THE CALL! I WILL GET VERY ANNOYED! I then receive a call from private number, which I guess it's from a payphone. I pick up, Nor and Yvonne(A girl work at More Than Words)shout at me. They ask me about the incident which I claim that I saw her boyfriend holding another girl's waist(The girl work at Red2 at the same workplace). I REALLY SAW LOR! WAH YOU THINK I SO BO LIAO GO AND CREATE SOME STUPID STORIES FOR YOU TO QUARREL WITH YOU STUPID BOYFRIEND?! KNS! I AM NOT SO FREE LOR! AND I AM NOT SO BO LIAO TILL LIKE THAT LOR! BELIEVE IT OR NOT IT'S UP TO YOU! I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES! I regretted I never took a picture of them with my camera phone! Or else I could use it as edvidence that I am NOT CREATING STORIES! I thought they had broken off so that is why the hang ten guy behaving so intimately with the Red2 girl! So I didn't take pictures. But the other day when she drop by my working place and show Wendy the pictures of her and Ryan(The hang Ten guy)she address his as "My boyfriend" I was thinking,"Boyfriend? so that means u guys have not break up? And he is there holding another girl's waist? Funny leh"I then sms her to tell her what I saw but she ask me not to be so busybody as it's her own business. Okay fine! Nevermind. I have no right to interfere anyway. She ask me to go down IMMEDIATELY to settle the problem! *******(short-form valgular words)! NOR! I TOLD YOU BEFORE SATURDAYS DON'T CALL ME RIGHT? I AM BUSY! WHICH PART OF THIS SENTENCE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND?! I then told them I could not come down and we have a heated quarrel over the phone as they insist me to go down immediately. Nor then said,"Eh! Why u talk like gangster like that?"I replied,"I NOT HAPPY LAH! WHY?! GOT PROBLEM!? *******(Valgular words)! I TOLD YOU BEFORE NOT TO CALL ME OUT ON SATURDAYS ALREADY RIGHT!?"She then said,"K lah! We settle this tomorrow night lah! If you are telling the truth of what you see, and your conscious is clear, you don't need to scared what!"I then told her,"I AM NOT SCARED! I JUST DON'T HAVE TO SOLID PROOF TO SAY THAT HE IS TWO-TIMING YVONNE! I REALLY SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES! BUT SINCE I DON'T HAVE SOLID PROOF, HE CAN DENY AND SAY THAT I AM TELLING LIES! YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEAN OR NOT?!"We then end the phone saying that we will settle it tomorrow night. I then went to look for my friends.

On the way there, my god-brother shout for me. I then went to them and told them not to talk to me first. Let me cool down. But my god-brother pull me aside to ask me what happen and ask me to share with him. At that time, I was so angry that I will punch anyone who annoys me! But I try very hard to keep my cool cos anyway, IT IS NOT MY GOD-BROTHER'S FAULT! IT IS NOT MY FRIENDS FAULT! I do not want to cause them any unhappiness with my own problem. He then talk to me and I told him what happen at work. I don't think he get the whole picture but at least he agar-agar know what is going on and ask me to relax. We then went to Macdonald's.

I then quarrelled with Jia Xing there cos of something she said. Or maybe the tone that she use that I am not happy. My god-brother then try to pull me out to talk to me but I reject him. I then take my bag and leave the place angrily and said,"I am going off! I don't feel well!"and walk out of Macdonald's. I do not know that my god-brother was following me until he pull my arm and said,"Come come, let's talk there!"I then stare at him angrily. We then went to a nearby river and stood there. I then cried..infront of him..haiz..so malu..but too bad. I couldn't control my tears. He ask me what happened to me and talk to me on alot of things. I finally pour out what I have been burying inside my heart for so long. I told him what I notice about him and that I feel ignored by him and I even told him that ever since he has Jia Xing, he totally ignored me!(At least that is what I felt)I couldn't help but cried and told him how hurt I felt when he started to treat me differently and that he never told me his problems anymore like he used to. I don't mind if he didn't tell me but I really do mind that he has been ignoring me! I then told him a fact that surprise him,"Do you know? Actually yesterday when we went to Kbox? I told the girls that it will be my last day with them!"He ask why? I then told him my inital plan - to let him mix with my friends and I will leave my friends. He will replace me in the group and I will leave cos I remembered he used to said to me before that he like to hang out with my group of friends! He then seems very hurt by what I have said and told me something that surprise me. His answer really surprise me and I keep quiet. I then took some time to cool down before apologising to him and he comfort me. I felt better after talking to him and finally cleared the questions that I have inside my heart. We then went back to Macdonald's and I apologise to JiaXing for shouting at her just now. We took shake hands and everything seems fine after that.

After that we send Gary to the bus stop and we went to East Coast Park to chat for a long time to wait for the sun rise. When the sun rise came, it was very beautiful and we took pictures of it. My camera phone could not capture the exact image. We then went to Macdonald's before taking bus home. On the way, my god-brother was tired and he fell asleep. The way he sleep was very cute - at least to me. I look at him for quite a long time and looks away when he wakes up. After that we alight and bid each other goodbye before heading home.

Yeh! Thanks a trillion Holy Spirit! Father!

Haha! I am very happy today! Finally one of my prayers have been answered! Seriously, I never get that amount of salary before! Last month, I pray to God to just give me $100 more for my this month's pay. The money is not for my own. I wanted to give to my Mum. Cos she told me she have to go to China with my Uncles and may need a few hundred dollars. I then prayed to God to provide me just $100 more for my Mum.

When I reach work today, Wendy hand me my pay. When I open and look at the amount, I wanted to jump up and down and shout,"Hallelujah!!! Thank God! Praise the Lord!!! My prayers have been answered!!!"It was exactly the amount I had prayed for!!! But slightly more! I really thank God for answering my prayers. Oh! and another thing I wanted to share. I had work at my current workplace for a year. Thoughout this one year, I had never ever get that amount of money for my pay! Somemore, last month I had arrive late for work for 15 minutes and usually Peter will deduct a certain amount of money if I am late for work. But surprisingly, when I look at my payslip, the time that I was late, he only write 7 hours and the deduction part, HE LEAVE IT BLANK! Cos usually he will deduct my pay if I am late for work like e.g he will write -$0.20 or something like that but last month's payslip the day where I was late for 15 minutes, by right he should have deducted $2 or more for it but he never deduct it! He just leave it blank! Instead of duducting my pay, He gave me $100.20 more! Haha! Tou(1) siao(4)! But still I really wanted to thank God for blessing me the amount of money that I could give to my Mum for. I then pray a silent prayer to the Holy Spirit and God. I keep on smiling all the way. I then told the Holy Spirit,"Okay, since you have bless me in my times of need, I will quit my drinking for you! I promise!"I have wrote in my friendster that I will quit my drinking by the end of the year. Cos I know I have difficulty quitting my drinking habit. But this time, I will quit for "Him"! I will try no matter how hard it is!

I then cried at work silently cos I had neglect the Holy Spirit alot. I did not pray to Him anymore when I felt depress. In fact, I have never "spoken" to Him for the past month except to pray some of my problems to Him. Yet, He still bless me for my need. I felt very guilty but at the same time, touched by His love for me. Haiz..if He was a person, I would have held His hand and look into His eyes to tell him I am deeply sorry for neglecting Him all these time and thank him for his protection and unconditional love for me. Now then I realize He was there for me all along cos I thought that He has left me after I had done so much things to grieve Him. I thought I had lost Him.

I know..maybe to some of you, I am crazy. Ya, I am. But at times, I could really sense Him and His love. He is as real as a person to me. But after certain incidents, I could no longer sense Him and I thought that He has left me. I do not know that He is still waiting for me to seek for Him. I am sorry but I will devoted my life to Him from now on. Sorry Nor, forgive me for that. To my friends, thanks for your concern and care that you tag at my tagboard. I will still go to those places BUT only ONCE A YEAR. This time, I won't be going every week. Although I had lost almost everything now, but I am very happy to learnt that I had not lose Him. He'll be the reason for my changes(good changes I mean)from now on.

I will end here for now. Will blog again next time. Hee..He's back in my life! Amen! ;P

Ouch! It hurts!

Yesterday night, Nor ask me to accompany her to MOS. I said,"AGAIN?! Can go some other places or not? I don't like to go to the same place". She told me,"But the majority op to go there leh". I then follow her there half-heartedly. A few days ago, when we chat, she ask me whether am I free to play soccer with her one of these days? She is a soccer player from young till secondary 4! She even played for Gombak F.C before!!! Wah! I said to her that time,"Wah! Like that you surely kick better than me ah". Cos I told her I stop kicking at around Primary 5. She said she would like to play a friendly match with me one of these days. Haiz..must start practicing my soccer skills le. Although she said it's a friendly match, but I wanted to trash her! I don't care! But it requires tough training on my own.

When we reach there, Sue was very happy to see me and gave me a sisterly-hug. I hug her back and told her I am very glad to see her too. I then look at her friends around me and count mentally. Wah! Really 10 of us(Including me)! Cos she told me before this time if she ever go club, she will go with 10 people or more. We then sat along the staircase as Nor was chased out by one of the bouncers. I do not know why. Before that, Nor offer me a can of beer and insist me to share with her. I then said okay reluctently. I do not know what have I said or maybe I have said something wrong, Nor then elbow me at my left cheek hard(The kind of force you use when you are punching someone hard). Ouch! It hurts! But luckily I never bleed and that I felt that she never use full force to hit me. When Sue saw that, she quickly cover my face hugging me and shouted at Nor,"Oei! You siao ah?! She's your friend! And she my sister too!"I was thinking,"Huh? Excuse me? I only met you for the 2nd time only and since when I become your sister so fast?"I keep on rubbing on my left cheek and Sue ask if I am okay. I said,"Ya"and Nor stared at me,"Oei! You shut up can or not?! Noisy sial!"Sue then stared at Nor angily and I whisper to her,"Lec ah..don't fight. Forget it lah..it never bleed so it's okay". Then she look at me and ask if I still feel hurt and I nod my head. KNS! Hit me for the first time. Some more I do not know what have I said wrongly.

We then hid our bags in a "secret compartment" as the club has no place to put our bags. I said to Nor,"Wah you very smart? But I scared later kena stolen". She ask me to take my valubles with me and she said,"Don't worry. This place only I know". I ask how come she knows that we can keep our bags there? She said,"Actually ah, there are secret compartments in places like this. You must know how to look-out for it". We then went inside the club. While we were inside, 2 guys then approach us and chat with us. I do not know the guys. One of them said,"Sorry, what's your number"? In cantonese. They are from Hong kong and have been working in Singapore for 2 years. I then lied to the guy,"dui mm g, ngor yao nan pang yao"(Sorry, I have a boyfriend). He then replied,"So what?"I was taken aback by his words. I then told him that I do not want to be friends with him and he walks away. Jason(his friend) then offer me a glass of Beer and Nor took the beer and drink. After that she went dancing. After a while, Nor ask me to follow her to the ladies and she said something that shock me,"Eh, you know why just now I ask you not to drink the beer and let me drink? You know why I don't want you to drink?"I shook my head. She said,"The drink was spiked!"I then stare at her with my eyes wide and ask how did she know? She said,"The beer taste different. It taste funny. Like got medicine mix into it. Please lah. I have been drinking since young so I can tell easily whether the drink was spike in just a sip. Somemore ah, I didn't vomit so easily when I drink beer. You know right? But the beer just now made me very uncomfortable. That is why I don't want you to drink! Later, if the guy offer you drink, don't accept! Or you call me. I drink for you. But later if I faint or what, carry me out of the club". By the way, when we arrive at the club, the guys who approach us had the drinks ready at the table they were sitting and it was pass around to Nor's friends. But so far, nothing happen to them.

While Nor and Sue were dancing, there were four chinese girls kept on staring at them and whisper to each other. Sue was very unhappy and said,"*******(short-form vagular words)! See what see?!"I then ask her to relax and she said,"No! If they keep on staring at us like that, later I'll fight with them! *******! I don't care!"I then said to Sue,"Eh, we come here to relax. Not to pick fight!"Sue then stare at the girls and mumber some vagular words and continue dancing. I then shake my head and stand alone away from Nor and Sue. Nor was dancing and Sue pretend to dance with Nor(cos her eyes still staring at the four girls). Jason then came and chat with me. When a girl walk pass our table, she accidently knock one of the glass and it drop onto the ground - broken. As I was standing when the glass broke, some of the pieces hit my leg and I immediately rub my leg with my hand. Jason then stared at the girl and his face change. I then told him to relax."Mo xiong gon..ai ya..relax lah. Moi da gao"(It's alright..ai ya..relax lah. Don't fight). Jason then said,"Mo..mo..mo ye..Lei mo si mah?"(No..no..nothing..Are you alright?)I then nod and smile at him. Sue then suddenly pull my arm and said,"Eh..dance with me ah..don't talk to that guy. I don't like you to talk to him". I gave her a puzzled look but I understand her concerns. Jason then smile at me and disappears into the crowd. I never seen him later for the rest of the night.

After that Sue leave early as she said she was not feeling well. So fast? I then bid her goodbye and stay with Nor. Nor then said,"I told you already. Something is wrong with the drink. You see what happen to Sue?"I ask,"Sue got drink the beer you take just now?". "Got! Drink more than me somemore! I told her to becareful, the drink is spike. She don't believe me. Now you see what happen? That's why I keep asking you not to drink. Since it's a stand-by, you can never know what has happened to the drink and whether was it spike?"I then keep quiet for the rest of the night.

After that, at around 4am, I went to Lau Pa Sa with Nor to have our breakfast. After that we took a cab home. Haha! Get to sit on a Macedes cab for the first time! Very comfortable! The ride was smooth too and the driver was very friendly. Reach home around 7.30am to catch 4 hours of nap before going to work.

At work, Ya Cin, Wendy and I never talk at all. Wendy and Ya Cin were talking to each other but I do the work on my own. After work, I then went to meet my friends at Kbox to sing. I then told the girls something and they pass the message around. Alot of them were very surprise and probe me what happen? I seriously do not wish to say anymore. I told them to be more observent and they will get it sooner or later.

On the way home, my god-brother and I did not talk much. I then think alot of things in my mind. When I reach home, I bid him goodbye and went home. Again, to catch a few hours of sleep before I start work.

I guess I will end here for now. Will blog again some time.

Depression

This afternoon, I was late for work cos I went to Orchard HMV to look at the CDs there and bought a worship CD. I really don't feel like going to work and wanted to walk around alone but I know I couldn't. I then went straight for work after purchasing the CD.

While at work, I felt very depress and keep crying throughout while working but luckily no one notice. I thought about alot of things in my mind and just keep on crying at work. Customers dare not approach me. Then I felt something keep tagging at my heart that seems to said,"Talk to me later. I wanna hear your problems. I am always here for you."But I just prayed a silent prayer to "Him"to apologies that I do not know how to address my problems to him. It's just too much for me to say. I am very disappointed with someone and it really hurts me very much. But yet, even if my friends or anyone ask me to share with them what happen to me, seriously I don't know how to say it out. Finally I could cry again..after such a long time. I have been crying lately these nights. Don't ask me what happen. I don't know how to share. All I can say is I am totally disappointed and upset with myself. Everything I do seems to fail! There are times when I wish I could really see God and tell him,"I am sorry Father but I am really very tired to continue this walk. Can I not walk with you anymore?"I am very confuse. Cos I know that if I ever leave God's path and walk on my own, my life will be back to total chaos and I will be more depress and more lost than ever before. But at the same time, if I continue walking with Him, I know there are tests that he will continually set for me to test my patience, my mind, my reaction and my heart. But luckily, God the Father is kind. He sure knows what I can and cannot take so he set the tests as simple as possible for me..but still..sorry Lord, I have failed you again and again. Sometimes I seriously wish that I can really see and feel God in person. So that I could cry on his shoulders and maybe to let him look into my mind and heart to the things I wanted to tell Him but do not know how to say. FATHER! I AM REALLY IN PAIN! HELP ME! PLEASE! Show me your way! What have you set for me? What is my future? What is your plan for me? You used to tell me that you have set my path for me but I couldn't see! Father! Please! I beg you! Guide me! Lead me! Use me and walk beside me! I need your guidance!

I do not know why nowadays everything seems to collapse in my life? Is it because that I did not pray? If it is I am really sorry. But I no longer know how to pray anymore. You saw me crying while praying to you once. But sorry Lord, this time, I could only cry. I do not know how to pray to you anymore. The things I ask for in your name has started to crumble and crush. WHY?! I am on the rage of break down but still I am holding on to you for support. I do not know how much longer I can hold onto you.

After work, Kenneth called me to ask me how am I and whether I still contact Sheryln? I lied and said I did not contact her anymore. COS I DO NOT WANT HIM TO LAY A FINGER ON MY FRIENDS! STAY AWAY FROM MY FRIENDS! If you dare to lay a finger on any of them, I WILL NOT LET YOU OFF KENNETH! MARK MY WORDS!

I think I shall end here first. I am too upset to carrying on typing. Sorry..anyway, take good care always!