Expression

This morning I had told Peter about my resignation and he had agreed to it. I have mix feelings towards it. I felt happy that I am free from that %^&$%! But at the same time, I felt scared and worried that I will have difficulty looking for another job. But one of my god-brother promise me that he will help me in my job-searching. Something happened some time ago that changes my friendship between me and one of my friends. Actually I feel quite upset that trust has been broken between the both of us. I don't expect it to happen. I had forgiven her for what has happened and had forget about the incident. But...trust is something that I take it very seriously. Too seriously. After I saw how my God-brother change, and I reflect on what he used to said to me before, I felt very very disappointed and extremely upset. But at least I had learnt something from this incident: NEVER TO TRUST ANYONE EVER AGAIN. NOT EVEN YOUR CLOSE FRIEND.

I think I will be back to my "original" self. Keep quiet about things from now on. I remembered someone used to ask me why am I so close-up to him and ask me to be open to him. But after I learnt to be open up to people, what do I get? H-U-R-T. That's what I get for being open up. Why do I have the learnt things the hard way? I am deeply sorry guys, don't expect me to trust anyone ever again. Trust is something that is difficult for me to put into the person. Once I trust the person and being open up to him or her, I expect them not to hurt me in any way. But I was wrong..Haha! Totally wrong! In the end, I get hurt more deeply than I had thought. So..guys, if you all see me keeping quiet nowadays or what and don't quite like to share, don't blame me. I am now very scared of all of you...especially since my friend of many years hurt me accidentally. I guess I had no choice but to retreat back into what I used to be - in my darkness world.

My friends and one of my god-brother don't quite like my current behavior. They don't understand the change in me. I am a person who do not know how to express myself in any way. That is why some times, if they are "lucky"(or in other words, unlucky)enough, they will see me keep pulling my hair or other forms of expression in fustruation when I can't get my message across and that they do not know what I am trying to say. Most people who know how to express themselves well or at least know how to express themselves in either words or actions, will never know how I feel when I can't really expess myself. Maybe because I behave the way my father does. I remembered when I was very young, when he can't get his message across to me or when he don't know how to express himself, he express it in a violent way in fustration if I can't get his message. I don't wish to express it this way..but..what to do, when you have difficulty expressing yourself and others can't get you or doesn't seems to understand you or worst, forsaken you? Sometimes, I really hate myself. Cos I feel that I am different from everyone..like..Abnormal..if you know what I mean. Nor also said to me the day before the settlement,"Sometimes ah..I really scared of you, you know?" When I ask why? she said,"Cos..you are weird. I don't know how to say..but..you act in a way, that is very strange and different from normal person". I do not know what she mean by this and since she can't explain, I cannot do anything. I know I am strange. My Mum used to tell me before from young. Nor ask me to act normal. Sorry..but I am lousy at acting. So what if I am abnormal? If you can't accept me, then tell me straight! Then I will get out of your life forever. I don't know in which way I am abnormal? Maybe my friends who are with me for all these years will tell you.

I think I shall end here for now. Sorry for the bo liao blogging again. Take care!