To all my friends, sorry that I have upset you guys. I know that you do care about me but there are certain things I do not know how to say. So that is why I always seems to go to those places. Part of it is actually to see how the place look like. But that is also the only place where I could feel happy tempoary. My god-brother seems to be irritate with me nowadays and I do not know why. I do not dare to ask him. I only know that he is worried that I have been to those kind of place often. When my friend told me something about my god-brother that day, I was very upset. As I am a person who do not know how to express myself well, this makes me very fustrated with myself.
Quite alot of things has been happening around me recently and some of these things I cannot accept it as it happened too fast! But again, I have no one to turn to. Feeling very confuse and upset. Things seems to start falling apart. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I could only endure the pain in my heart. When I saw a empty beer bottle lying around on the streets, I had this urge to use it to...do things in a crazy manner that no one could imagine. But something stop me. In the end I just walk away without taking the bottle. The hurt and disappointment is just too much! Things change too suddenly. People change suddenly(including me). I feel very lost with no one to guide me anymore. Again, I did not pray. Cos I know that it won't help. Things happened way too fast and there's no turning back. I told some of my friends before,"Don't be surprise if one day you see me break down infront of you suddenly".
I do not really know how long can I really endure all these. My heart is in pain and I am really bothered about the whole thing. Feeling that my life is in a mess. Haiz..back to the old days..where everything seems to be in a mess and that I've ruin my own life after certain incidents which again I could not state here. I'm starting to lose my grip onto "Him". I could not really feel His presence but somehow I have a feeling that He is weeping. Been losing appetite these two days. Didn't really eat much. Problems after problems came onto me. Father! Why is all these happening?!
I have applied for leave for a day on next week. I was thinking of going out and walk around myself the whole day. I have planned what I am going to do on the day that I applied for leave. Although it's a meanlingless day. But I will go out and maybe walk around certain places which I have not get a chance to walk by - Alone. Wendy complain to me some days ago,"Oei! How come you have so many leaves unclaimed?! Better clear all your leaves leh! Stack up till so much!"In my mind, I was shouting at her,"Ai le huan lo?!(Need you to care?! in hokkien)I don't have a chance to clear my leaves cannot ah!? Then now I take leave so what's your problem that you are not happy about?!"KNS! See me also angry now I applied for leave also angry! What exactly do you want?!"Feel like throwing a chair at her face! But I know it will definitely break the showcase display behind her if my aiming is poor. I just crunch my fist and stare at her for awhile before I continue with my work.
When Peter came to shop during the evening, his mood was not good. First time see him so angry. But still I told him about my leave that I have claimed. I had claimed another day after the next week for Angel's Birthday. He then said,"Ai ya! Don't know lah! You all go and settle yourselves!"Good mah! Don't need to see me for 2 days not good meh? If one day I stack my leaves till 2 weeks and claim one week off to go holiday with Nor then I see whether you'll cry or not! Nor told me some weeks before that she want me to accompany her to go Melbourne or England. She ask me to save money to go holiday for a week with her. I told her that I'll consider but I know most likely I will not go. I had never travel overseas without my parents before so I feel quite whierd travelling with a friend overseas. She said,"Eh! Don't like that leh! Company me to go lah. We save money together then we go okay?"I still feel quite uneasy going overseas with a friend.
I think I'll end here for now. Will blog again soon I guess?
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