Depression

This afternoon, I was late for work cos I went to Orchard HMV to look at the CDs there and bought a worship CD. I really don't feel like going to work and wanted to walk around alone but I know I couldn't. I then went straight for work after purchasing the CD.

While at work, I felt very depress and keep crying throughout while working but luckily no one notice. I thought about alot of things in my mind and just keep on crying at work. Customers dare not approach me. Then I felt something keep tagging at my heart that seems to said,"Talk to me later. I wanna hear your problems. I am always here for you."But I just prayed a silent prayer to "Him"to apologies that I do not know how to address my problems to him. It's just too much for me to say. I am very disappointed with someone and it really hurts me very much. But yet, even if my friends or anyone ask me to share with them what happen to me, seriously I don't know how to say it out. Finally I could cry again..after such a long time. I have been crying lately these nights. Don't ask me what happen. I don't know how to share. All I can say is I am totally disappointed and upset with myself. Everything I do seems to fail! There are times when I wish I could really see God and tell him,"I am sorry Father but I am really very tired to continue this walk. Can I not walk with you anymore?"I am very confuse. Cos I know that if I ever leave God's path and walk on my own, my life will be back to total chaos and I will be more depress and more lost than ever before. But at the same time, if I continue walking with Him, I know there are tests that he will continually set for me to test my patience, my mind, my reaction and my heart. But luckily, God the Father is kind. He sure knows what I can and cannot take so he set the tests as simple as possible for me..but still..sorry Lord, I have failed you again and again. Sometimes I seriously wish that I can really see and feel God in person. So that I could cry on his shoulders and maybe to let him look into my mind and heart to the things I wanted to tell Him but do not know how to say. FATHER! I AM REALLY IN PAIN! HELP ME! PLEASE! Show me your way! What have you set for me? What is my future? What is your plan for me? You used to tell me that you have set my path for me but I couldn't see! Father! Please! I beg you! Guide me! Lead me! Use me and walk beside me! I need your guidance!

I do not know why nowadays everything seems to collapse in my life? Is it because that I did not pray? If it is I am really sorry. But I no longer know how to pray anymore. You saw me crying while praying to you once. But sorry Lord, this time, I could only cry. I do not know how to pray to you anymore. The things I ask for in your name has started to crumble and crush. WHY?! I am on the rage of break down but still I am holding on to you for support. I do not know how much longer I can hold onto you.

After work, Kenneth called me to ask me how am I and whether I still contact Sheryln? I lied and said I did not contact her anymore. COS I DO NOT WANT HIM TO LAY A FINGER ON MY FRIENDS! STAY AWAY FROM MY FRIENDS! If you dare to lay a finger on any of them, I WILL NOT LET YOU OFF KENNETH! MARK MY WORDS!

I think I shall end here first. I am too upset to carrying on typing. Sorry..anyway, take good care always!